This past weekend was the big annual Black Rose event in Washington, DC, where kinksters from around the country get together to share information, teach lessons-learned, and play! This was my third year, and you could reasonably ask, why keep going back? After all, most of my friends are local, and it’s not like I’m going to pay all those fees just to see people I can see at any regular class, right? But aside from the interesting classes, and the vendors who show up and bring some of the most ingenious wares you’ve ever seen, one of the main reasons I go is because the world of BDSM is probably one of the most forgiving environments out there.
My Religion Teaches That Sex Is A Good Thing
Traditional Judaism teaches that sex and sexuality are, generally, good things. There’s nothing wrong with sex. In fact, it should be enjoyed and explored to its fullest! But, like many women, I still struggle with my self-image, and I’ve let it impact my sex life in the past. You tell yourself that you’re beautiful, or that there are things that matter more than whether your breasts are the right size, or your thighs are appropriately smooth, but the fact of the matter is that, at least for me, it’s an on – going struggle to remember my worth when I see lithe young women posing in magazines. So you’d think that I would shy away from a world that revolves so entirely around sex and sexuality, which typically involves spending a copious amount of time naked… unless you’ve found a fantastic new means of fucking, in which case you should DEFINITELY let me know! That aside, if you walked into any “play space,” a large area set up for multiple people to act out scenes, then you’d very likely see a lot of nudity… it’s just not the nudity you’d expect.
Forget The Stereotypes Of BDSM
I’ve talked about how the media biases people into believing certain stereotypes about the world of BDSM, but I think one of the most damaging images is that of kinksters being all under 35, tight, toned, and exhibitionist nymphomaniacs. Well, that last part might be right, but, but all the rest is, typically, bullshit. In fact, the very first time I walked into the Paddles Club in New York, I was struck at how old everyone else was. Most people were easily in their 40′s or 50′s (ok, that’s not that old, but it was old for me at the time!), most of them were moms or dads, and most people there hadn’t done a sit-up since they sat up out of bed this morning. It was nothing like I had imagined! All the rest, the leather and the lube, was still there, but suddenly you’re walking into a place where, very clearly, your body does. Not. Matter. The only things that matter are what you’re into, and your safe words.
Don’t Judge Me
Of course, I still deal with my own issues; we’d be liars if we all didn’t own up to our own little demons. No matter that my religion teaches me to revel in G-D having made me a woman, there are days where I can’t help but compare myself to others. That’s one of the reasons why I find the stereotypes about BDSM to be so damaging… not to us kinksters, but to people out there who would really enjoy trying new things, but they’re intimidated by what they think they know. What you don’t know is that there are few other groups who are less likely to judge you than this one. I’ve seen men and women who are well over three hundred pounds having a grand ol’ time and running around a play space totally naked. And why shouldn’t they? Why shouldn’t you or I just run around like crazy people with our bits and pieces flapping and flopping as they do, without fear of judgment? When was the last time you tossed off all your clothes and just walked around your house in the buff? I totally should right now, but I’m visiting my mom for the weekend, and frankly, her seeing me walking around without a stitch might lead to a totally different article… or more therapy time.
Come As You Are
The point here is that, no matter your religion or your upbringing, we all struggle to fully accept ourselves. It’s up to you to find a support system that is going to help you get there, and let’s face it, a full, true, and honest support is not exactly a dime a dozen. And while I don’t want to push people into kink who are not really ready or interested, I want people to know that there are groups out there that can provide part of what you need. Whether that be a Stitch & Bitch group, a book club, redoing the plumbing in your house, or joining a kink-based organization, there are people out there who love you just as you are; warts and all.
So the next time you need a bit of an ego boost, head to a BDSM club; not because there are people there who will be heavier, shorter, or whatever-er, but because of all the groups I’ve ever joined, this is the only one that really couldn’t give less of a damn about how you looked… just what toys you bring to the table!
Where do you go to get your self-esteem on?
Possibly related goodness:
About the Author
The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
You have really opened my eyes to the world of BDSM. I am not saying that it is my cup of tea, but for those who are boarder line about living out a fantasy involving BDSM I think your article will help them make a more educated decision.
Thanks so much KJ for sharing your world, perhaps now, I and others will bite our tongues before passing judgement.
Thanks, KJ for opening my peepers and showing me that BDSM is probably something I need to explore to help me deal with some of my issues….though I’m not at all sure what my ‘role’ would be and I’m not good with contraptions of any sort, I trust someone would be kind enough to teach me…
We tend to keep “contraptions” to a minimum… believe me: I’m a total technotard. So if I can manage BDSM without making someone’s vagina explode (yeah, how do you like *that* graphic, huh?!) then I think you’ll be fine. And don’t worry about your “role.” Who cares? Find an education-based group, and see what’s out there. Why limit yourself to Chocolate Ice Cream, when you have over 100 flavors to choose from?!… DAMMIT! Now I want Ice Cream!!
Very interesting. I fully relate to the self-image problem, but I must admit it’s not the reason I have never gone to a BDSM club
But now I know, if I change my mind, I don’t have to worry about my stretch marks and cottage cheese thighs!
I have to admit, I’ve never actually gone to a club. I’ve always been fortunate to find partners of this variety other ways, and we’ve always kept play private. Now that I’m a bit more experienced and far more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, though, I’ve been considering asking my husband to attend a club or group like this with me… Not that we aren’t keeping things fun, frisky, and full of variety, but it can’t hurt to add a few new tricks to the arsenal, yeah? After reading this, I think I’ll make a point of looking up something local.
I’m really glad to hear that! MUAH HA HA HA!!!! My evil/kinky agenda continues!!! If, SD, you don’t want to jump right into a club, you can attend a “Munch” which is just a dinner/conversation, kind of like a Q&A session with kinky folks in your area. It’s a good way to get the skinny on who to talk to, who to avoid, and which clubs may meet your needs. Also, feel free to harass me for info… because I clearly have a lot of time on my hands today at work.
Your insight into things that some people consider unsightly is such a wonderful thing, and it is THIS that makes me come here and read. Love it! Thanks for expanding my mind.
Compliments will get you everywhere!
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Well girl I’m learning I guess. Not really my thing but at least I am broadening my ideas. You are wonderful any way you look! I mean really…you are a gorgeous girl! My self esteem is pretty good. Your posts are always wonderful no matter what you write about!
You are SUCH a real mom: “I love and support you, even if I have no idea what you’re talking about and/or it’s not my thing!” OMG. Can I keep you yet?
I’ve been with my hubster for over a decade (married for 4) and just last night for the first time EVAH I got him to at least have a conversation about role playing…not so much a conversation as a passing comment from him…while this may seem like nothing to a normal person, to me it was leaps and bounds coming from him. Unfortunately, he was referring to the smut stories I have been contemplating trying to sell for actual money. Now, if only I could get him to read one…
I am so sheltered I can’t even believe I get away with writing for this website.
I thought that shit only happened in the movies! Wow, dude. Good for you!
okay.. so here I am.. here.. on *this* page.. are you happy now? and while the whole idea of being accepted for who I am and not what I look like would *so* totally rock.. I think it would be an important to just have sex again *before* I start looking into other things.. don’t you agree?
You can have sex anytime you want, CT…I’ve always found partners to be optional anyway…
Would you kindly tell me where you have placed the camera’s in my bedroom? I can totally see where you are getting your inspiration from for your KJ column…and kudos for getting them placed all the way in WA. STATE when you’re way the hell over on the WRONG coast without prior knowledge or consent…NOW I see why I have been given Honorary Jew status…it’s aaaaaaalllllllll coming together now. But seriously, KJ…you ROCK. I can’t imagine this place without you. Please never ever ever stop writing here. For without you…I wouldn’t have any new moves to speak of.
JD – I can’t imagine that if you didn’t show your hubs you in, say, a sweet little schoolgirl outfit, or maybe the naughty-maid outfit, that his, erm, EARS wouldn’t perk right up. Really? No backwards cowgirl for you? Crissy – If it makes you feel any better, I think I was 10 when I learned that you didn’t get pregnant via kissing. That’s how sheltered I was. Thank goodness for that, cuz I would have been pregnant WAY too many times. Huzzah for the penis! @CT – That’s why you GO TO THE CLUB OR THE MUNCH!! You meet people. You like people. You fuck people. It’s all good. OMG, they would love your snark. They would bow to you as their queen. @Carm – No cameras yet. That’s what the January trip out to your coast is for. I mean… uh…. what?
What’s “The Munch”? Kinkers, you’ve got me all intrigued n stuff…
I love it!! Hey, I live in Washington state, too! I’d love to find places around here. I really would love to get into the world of BDSM because…stuff like being tied up wtih silk scarves and being spanked, etc, etc…sounds absolutely DELICIOUS to me. I would LOVE to try new things like a whole club of like minded people, who are as open about their sexuality as I am. Sometimes I forget how freaked out people can get if you talk about sex in any way, but I am learning when to keep my mouth shut. HAH…my friends come to me to ask for sex advice and what sex toy they should buy. HAH…
well, anyways, I will definitely look something up!
I found this link…it might help some people find stuff:
http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/main.cgi
Thanks for putting this info out there, KJ. What’s mainstream for some is outer limits for others. I just love the fact that we’re able to cover such a wide variety of topics in our columns here and inspire real dialogue and conversations with ToyWithMe.com readers! LOVE IT!
Dude. My already sky-high respect for you just went through the roof. Marry me?
Rose – I LOVE your enthusiasm. The link didn’t have any groups with which I was familiar, but that doesn’t mean anything. Another option is :http://www.br.org/blackrose/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=25&Itemid=34
JD – a “munch” is just a casual social gathering as a meet & greet. There’s no play, no scenes, it’s just a relaxed opportunity for someone to ask questions. You can get a definition here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munch_(BDSM)
For those who aren’t near anything at all, but want to see what’s out there and meet people in your area, you can join FetLife.com… but you have to promise to email me so we can be friends and I can feel all popular n’ stuff.
Otherwise, check out groups online, and see what does, and does not interest you. Not everything will appeal to you, which is fine. I hate needles. YEESH!! Can’t. Handle. Needles. Some people find them hot. BLARGH!!!
@ Aunt Becky – I don’t know who you were talking to. I’ve read your blog, and I’m assuming you were talking to me. So: bitch, it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!!! Please tell me you like to do laundry…
Great blog very insightful loved it!!