Just when I think that we cannot possibly find one more thing to bitch and worry about on our bodies, I am slapped upside the head with something so entirely absurd, that I have to stop and wonder, “Seriously? People are really worried about this?” It’s called “labia-plasty,” which originally to me sounded like turning your pussy into plastic. But it’s becoming all the craze now, in case you’re wondering. Labia-plasty is a surgery in which plastic surgeons can make your labia more “visually attractive.” THANK GOODNESS, because let me tell you how much my current labia have been holding me back from all the sex I had planned on having! Yes, now that I can, I don’t know, have my labia cut in the shape of Mickey Mouse, or possibly (and probably far more likely with some people) in the shape of the Louis Vuitton logo, I am going on a screw-spree!
Lift And Separate The Labia
Really? Is this what we’ve come to now, ladies? Bad enough some of us have to obsess over our weight, our hair color, our bone structure… but now I have to worry about what my labia look like while receiving oral? Frankly, in my opinion, straight men are just so happy to see an actual vagina that they don’t really fuss about the fact that yours looks different from the Night Elf they’ve been jerking off to on World of Warcraft for the past year. I’m pretty sure the majority of men don’t expect most women to look like porn stars, either in the boobs, or in the vagina. So, why is this an issue? Do I have to look for underwear now that will lift and separate my labia? Will that be in next month’s Victoria’s Secret catalog?
“Labia-lift” not your thing? Maybe you want to recreate the magic of that “first-time” with someone else? Well, you now can also have your pussy tightened to mimic virginity. Huzzah! Who doesn’t want to relive a pain that, perhaps, you were lucky enough to avoid the first time around? Well, me for one.
Tighten Me Up Please
I first heard about this nearly eight years ago when I was in college, where I read an article about women in certain cultures living in America who had had sex, but their culture demanded that they be virgins on their wedding night. So, what do they do? Go in for surgery and get your business tightened up so that you can get that tell – tale spot of blood on your wedding night. On the one hand, I want to tell these ladies to woman – up and say that they are more valuable than one small piece of tissue and a spot on a bed; that they’re whole human beings, and should be valued in their own right. On the other hand though, I can sympathize with the pressures of living between two worlds, the old and the new, and trying to maneuver a path between the two. Sometimes, you have to choose your battles, and maybe this is their way of saying, “if it makes everyone happy, why not?”
So, while I personally don’t approve of slicing pieces off of your labia to make it more visually attractive to men who, let’s be fair, probably could not care less, I do also understand that this, and the vaginal-tightening, might have developed out of a specific need. I cannot fathom what “need” would make you cut off bits of the most wonderful thing G-D could have given a woman, but maybe I’m missing something (not my labia… that’s still there).
This is all, relatively, old news; labia-plasty, and virginity rejuvenation have been around for, as I mentioned, over eight years. What is new, at least to me, is…. Ready?….
Anal Bleaching.
I really hope that at this point in the article, your jaw is firmly sitting directly on your keyboard. I learned about anal bleaching by watching an episode of the Margaret Cho show, where she went in to get her bottom brightened.
WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE?! Anal bleaching?! You know, for my entire life, I never once gave a thought to the shade of my anus and thought, “I should pour some bleach on one of the most sensitive parts of my body.” Cutting stuff off, bleaching stuff lighter… what’s going on? Now you listen here:
At what point did we lose the sexual power? At what point did I have to start worrying about what men thought of my pussy? You are lucky to see my lady business! And anal? That’s like a birthday or anniversary gift! If you have waited all year for anal sex, you don’t get the right to think, “this would be so much hotter if her anus matched her crowns.” Ladies! The madness must end!
Now, I’m not calling for a return to hairy armpits, unshaven legs, or unbathed bodies, though you do what makes you happy, I’m just saying that at some point, some of us have to stand up and say, “Drop the bleach, and step away from the labia!”
If you have done any of this, or if you think that this all sounds like a damn fantastic idea, I would love to hear from you, because as it stands: I am packing my shit up and moving to Hawaii to raise wombats. You can find my husband and me there… I’ll be the one with the dark booty.
So tell me, are you comfortable with your vagina? Would you ever consider having it sculpted?
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About the Author
The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I am… shocked. Astounded. I can’t even put the right word to it, because nothing is drastic enough. I can’t even imagine wanting to bleach my anal region. Really? Or actually SHAPE my labia? I can understand the desire to tighten things up, perhaps after vaginal child birth and the like, but not to virgin tightness! Good gods… I like enjoying sex… I like not being in pain while having sex… Really? Gods save us from the insanity, please? Even more so, save our young ladies. Daughters, granddaughters, and so on from the insanity that’s yet to come!
this is insane. BEYOND insane. who thinks up this shit? i LIKE the shape of my labia and the color of my anus. until this moment, i didn’t realize that anuses came in different colors. on second thought, if i bleach my anus, can i get it dyed a different color? like blue? or can i get a rainbow?
as for the vag tightening? quit being so fucking lazy and start doing your kegels. (and no, i’m not talking to the ladies with the cystoceles and the rectoceles – those surgeries are actually legit) you’re never going to be able to completely erase the fact that you had a few one night stands or got drunk and had group sex a few times in college; getting your vagina tightened or your hymen recreated doesn’t make you a virgin.
this is the part where i shake my head and say, “kids these days..”
I’m going to say that the majority of men (ie. Not the beautiful people and not the dregs) would be happier to have a woman with a flaw or two. It helps keep the performance anxiety to a minimum.
Stone Fox – If you get your anus bleached and recolored to match Skittles, YOU will be my personal hero. Maybe that’s what I’ll do for halloween next year. And DarkTouch – did you ever see that episode of Twilight Zone where everyone looked exactly the same, except for one teenage girl who didn’t want to go through the cosmetic surgery to look like everyone else? Sometimes, that’s how my anus feels; like a young 16 year old girl in a black and white film… I’ll leave you with that thought.
My questions are… what is it about the lift and separate that makes the labia more esthetically pleasing and who decided that it does?
I honestly didn’t know that there was that big of a difference from one labia to the next let alone that men have a preference as to how their lover’s labia should look. WHAT?!?!?
Oh, wait… maybe if a guy can basically see your uterus, he’ll know you’re woman enough to f$*k!
I really was thinking of getting Labia-plasty because my labia is huge and long, and it catches on my jeans when I walk and gets all twisted and in the way and it *rubs* my jeans and undies which hurts like a bitch, not to mention it loves to pop out randomly of my swimsuit, which can be kind of embarassing, but…I don’t sweat it…
That is the only reason I would get it, because it is such a pain to wear jeans or a skirt (it rubs against my legs) and gets all irritated…but other than that, if a guy says my Labia is ugly and that I should have it re-done, he’s not worth showing my lady-bits to…he is an arsehole if I do say so myself.
Rose, between your comments here and your delicious blog, I am finding out more about you than I about most people I see regularly. I guess I never thought that some people had these problems… why not wear skirts? Less expensive than surgery!
It’s bad enough that I’ve spent my life being self-conscious about the size of the exterior portion of my posterior, now I’m supposed to worry about the color of the interior?!? Gimme a BREAK!
How often do you have people in your ass anyway for anal bleaching to even be needed? And even if your ass has alot of visitors did someone tell you “Hey girl your ass hole is looking dark these days!” I find soap and water tend to remove dark areas on my ass
Really ladies get a grip! Keep it the way God made it and your life changed it!
Love Tawnia
Tawnia – good point, but, just playing Devil’s Advocate here, what’s the big difference between anal bleaching, and changing your hair color? If you can have a face-lift, why not a pussy-lift?
I can’t help but think that anal bleaching would leave it tasting funny?
Take a look at Playboy these days. The pudenda all have this polite symmetric look courtesy of photoshop.
Infuriating CRAP.
Thanks for a great post.
I love my labia! It is not made of playdoh to be whimsically molded and sculpted into the latest porn stars replica. It is a beautiful flap of skin encompassing all my precious bits. If you don’t like entrance to my kingdom then you are not worthy of entrance.
…I’ll be the one with the dark booty…
And the puffy/meaty lips? Just kidding!
Dude, whatever. My puffy lips are sexy!
I think that, for the winter, I’d like something in a pink plaid with a low pile. For the summer, however, I’m going to have to go with minimalist. After all, nude goes with everything. And keep your fucking Bedazzlers away from my Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo.
Hahahahahaha. Redhead.
I don’t have to worry about any of this because my crotch is cuter than a basket of puppies. I guess not everyone’s is?
Weird.
Wow. Graphic, Crissy. Thanks for the visual!
You’re all freaking nuts!! Bedazzlers and baskets of puppies? I think I’ll stick to my heart shaped hot pink pubes with the diamond encrusted boarder.
Hello KinkyJew
If you can’t tell the difference between anal bleaching and hair color that may be a bit of a personal problem 
.If you have as many people looking at your head as you do looking at your ass, well… that sounds like another personal problem:) lol In all seriousness though all women have the right to do what makes them feel beautiful. If a nice white ass hole makes you feel pretty then bleach on sister 
All I wanna do now is pull out a mirror and look at myself. I don’t think I could ever change my downstairs. My ex always said I looked like an Oreo cookie (you know dark on the sides and light in the middle). I say don’t fix what ain’t broken, Oreo is America’s favorite cookie after all
Well Tawnia, you make a compelling point. Of course, if that many people are visiting my ass, then maybe I should consider charging admission to at least subsidize the bleaching, no? Emily – I love me some oreos! Rock on with your tasty self!
Emily, and we all know when it comes to Oreo’s the middle is the best part
so i guess you’re all against penile implants?
I would personally not mind having them trimmed down a little, or at least one of them….as they are quite uneven. One side is small and perfectly fine while the other hangs down like an elephant ear. (you’re welcome for that visual) Now I wouldn’t want to have this done for the sake of a significant other–I don’t have one and have no plans in the near future to ever acquire one–but for myself. I know it’s there, it’s not the most fantastic thing to encounter while wiping up after my business…..it would be great if I was at least a little more symmetrical.