I don’t do pregnancy well. Wait, let me rephrase that. I do pregnancy well in that just over half of the times that I’ve seen two pink lines winking up at me, I have brought home a baby. In that way, I WIN at pregnancy, same way that I WIN at life. But when it comes to the nine months between sperm-meeting-ova and shooting another human being from my girly-bits, I’m a miserable wretch of a person. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself here (somewhere I can hear Dave nodding loudly), it’s not that I’m an AWFUL person, I’m just not myself.
Emotionally, I’m all over the map, where normally I’m a flat line, only occasionally blipping upwards or downwards on a particularly interesting day. I’ll sob into my chicken wings smothered in high-fat blue cheese dressing about how “f-f-f-fat I’m getting” after asking if we can run through the Krispy Kreme drive-through on the way home. Dave would often come upon his wife, never before interested in TLC programming, glued to A Baby Story, screaming at the woman on the television for shrieking while pushing.
“Why doesn’t she save her breath?” I would hiss at him, angrily. “I mean, SERIOUSLY.” I was more emotionally invested in a strangers birth than I had any right to be and Dave knew to just back away slowly, walking out of the room, offering me a nice brutal slasher novel to read.
Not Exactly Glowing
Compounding matters is that as the pee is drying on the pregnancy test, my stomach—while, let’s be honest with each other here, never exactly FLAT—pooches out and makes me appear immediately 5 or so months pregnant. I’m stuck pulling out the maternity clothes around week ten after my regular clothes begin to stretch and pull and strain against me like a sausage casing, and I just feel ugly. The only glow I’ve ever experienced has come from a) exertion from praying to the porcelain Gods or b) exertion from eating too many Spiderman Froot Snacks.
Pregnant Sex Is Hot?
Sex while pregnant is something I’ve heard discussed in hushed, excited whispers by friends and acquaintances, and I sort of understand why. Multiple orgasms are pretty freaking sweet. New positions are also kind of fun to try. Some people (The Internet tells me) are even really aroused by curves the pregnant body. Others enjoy how naughty it makes them feel.
I pretty much equate sex while pregnant as a mercy mission for both of us.
I Don’t Look Humpable
At the beginning, when the nausea is so omnipotent that I can barely walk near a box of Macaroni and Cheese without heaving at the very thought of the squishy sound that it makes when you mix it up and my nose is sprouting blood like a fountain in a horror movie (don’t ask. Seriously.), I cannot imagine that even in my slightly-larger-puffy-looking-self-state I look hump-able. And while I normally have the libido of a teenager, there’s something about shoving progesterone suppositories up the old vagina that makes one kind of say, apologies, Rod Stewart, but, maybe tonight is not the night.
I Am An Ugly Cow Of A Woman
While I have been told by numerous sources (read: my friends in the computer) that one is supposed to begin to feel better during the second trimester of pregnancy, I myself never experienced anything like that. No, the miserable first trimester yawned into the equally miserable second trimester, and with the possible exception of the joy of feeling my young offspring use my bladder as a kick board, nothing improved. Including my self image. As the number on the scale loomed larger, my self-esteem plummeted and no amount of positive self-talk could get me to see myself in anything other than the harshest: I was a fat, ugly cow of a pregnant lady.
That doesn’t exactly scream, “Do me now, baby,” now does it?”
The third trimester always found Your Aunt Becky, she of the notoriously small torso (picture a daddy longlegs spider) winded and cranky, tired of sharing a small space with another person. Before you accuse me of being intentionally self-deprecating, let me inform you that any time that I walked into a room where another adult was sitting, they would laugh. It wasn’t as though they were being mean; they weren’t, they just couldn’t help it. I looked that ridiculous.
Cheeseburger Crotch
Sex, of course, was not plentiful by the stage in the game where even a trip to the bathroom required elaborate game plans and strategies involving hoisting and trapezes. I personally hadn’t seen my vagina in months, and shuddered to imagine the State of Things down there (especially knowing that I was now sporting a cheeseburger crotch myself). While Dave had selflessly offered to help me take care of business, that seemed like an open invitation for self-consciousness. I had approximately the same dimensions of a hippo and the sex drive of a box of rocks and, to be honest, the same level interest in the grooming of my lady bits.
Bumping Uglies
But operating under the old wives tale that sex often brought on babies, towards the end, The Daver and I often would bump uglies more often than one might think, considering I could have used a crane to get me to assume the dimpled position. I can’t say that it urged the babies out or that it was the most mind-blowing, toe-curling sex either of us has ever had, but once we got going (lights strictly off at my insistence. Did I make mention of how self-conscious I was? I really should have trolled the pregnancy fetish boards more, now that I think of it.) it was absolutely more pleasurable than one might have thought.
I’ll admit that I do feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear about how “awesome” and “incredible” other people find pregnancy sex until I remember that “other people” also routinely have sex dressed as stuffed animals and “other people” also listen to Michael Bolton. Different strokes do, I suppose, rule the world.
Puns, as always, are intended.
Possibly related goodness:
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
Being 10 weeks pregnant myself (with my second and third), this post is perfectly timed. I’m glad to hear I’m not a complete freak for already being in my maternity clothes. It’s like my uterus was just waiting for those two lines to have an excuse to be completely effing lazy. And at this point, of course, it JIGGLES. Because the baby is the size of a freaking pea or something, even though my stomach would suggest they are about half-way through gestation. Gross.
bwaaaaaaaahahahaahahah- I gotcha beat!!
I’m not pregnant at all- just trying (with all the fun drugs!!) and wearing maternity pants… because the bloat alone makes me look 5 months pregnant!!!
I can say though- pregnancy sex is MINDBLOWING- as long as you don’t stop to think about it… I feel like a beluga whale’s got nothin on me when preggers… and the last time, I puked the entire pregnancy… nothin says gimme dat good luvin’ like “gag face”!!!
Holy balls. Where where you two when I was pregnant?
I think I can count without resorting to toes the number of times I had sex while pregnant. Being a host organism was just a profoundly un-sexy experience for me. Also, while this was not a problem I had before often sex during pregnancy felt awkward and uncomfortable and by the time that we found a nice position the joy of it was kind of gone.
When you add to that equation a raging case of SPD from the fifth month, that got progressively worse until my pelvis felt like it was made of broken glass… yeah. Not a lot of action.
On the other hand very rapidly postpartum my body felt like my own and after all those months of sensual starvation, sexual relations were joyously resumed after 5 weeks or so and it really was mindblowing.
I am terrified – TERRIFIED! – to click on the link for cheeseburger crotch. I mean, I have a general idea. I think. But I’m going to willfully stick my head in the sand on this one! ::Shudder::
N, I feel you, and it always has made me feel really bad, like I was Doing It Wrong somehow (have I mentioned my inflated guilt complex?). Thankfully, I’m done with hosting babies in my own body cavity, so I can resume not having to use levers and pullys to assume the position.
And no worries, Bluey. The link is to the article I wrote last week
. Nothing too terrifying.
I gained 10 lbs with my second before I even found out that I was pregnant. Oh, and I never got that 2nd trimester energy burst, either. Maybe ’cause the last time I got an energy burst I was doing something illegal.
This whole fabulous sex during pregnancy thing? I think it is another one of those BS myths that the Mommy Mafia has started. It’s right up there with newborns that sleep through the night and having an orgasm during childbirth.
There was most definately a lack of sex for me while preggo. Of course I had the sickness almost the whole time with both. I could just see m self ralphing all over the place during the (not so) sexy time.
A friend of mine discovered the rocking recliner method. She just sat back and relaxed while he “rocked” them to oblivion. We tried it but I think we couldn’t get it right. I think because I am like half a foot taller than her.
I am currently somewhere in the third trimester. I mean, I’m pretty sure I know how far along I am, just I no longer have the skill to add and subtract weeks. Or remember what week it is. Or have any faith in the doc to know when this thing is gonna get evicted.
If it weren’t for the pain that I’m in, due to the ginormous amount of weight I’m carrying around, sex could be fun. Unfortunately, the mere act of rolling from one side to the other takes at least two breaks and some very unsexy grunts as my lil parasite steals all my breathing room. He’s very very selfish, is what I think. Taking up all the space for my lungs, etc etc.
Of course, once I actually manage to get started, sex is totally fun again. My poor hubby has to work a bit harder, but as this is HIS FAULT, that’s ok with me. lol!
I’d say I’m totally ready to be done with this, but when I AM done, I’ll have a newborn. So.. really what I’d like is for a way to have this baby gestate somewhere else for a month or two. Just these last couple… and the 6? 7? before….
Kyslp -WTF orgasm during childbirth? That would have freaked me the fuck out.
WTF, indeed!? Some people says it’s possible. Here’s a link: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=6120045&page=1
Wow! I have to guess that these folks are in the extreme minority.
I’m sorry to tell these people that being relaxed and skipping the drugs does NOT give you a “blissful” birthing experience. I was laughing and joking and at a flippin’ New Year’s Eve party all but the last 45 minutes of my labor! And I can assure you I felt pain and tearing and a multitude of other things. No orgasm here!
I remember a week MAYBE two when the wind would blow and I’d start climbing walls, rubbing the arm of the couch, and/or stalking my husband. Other then that, pregnancy was full of “pelvic rest”, bed rest, preterm labor, and feeling like a damn cow! I never got “The Glow”, nor was I a cute pregnant woman. My husband said I was beautiful, but I’m pretty sure he just said that becuase 1) he had too and 2) he wanted to have sex again. When I was NOT pregnant.
Although, we did find a good position that we still use to this day. It’s a fun one!
*HUGS*
Yeah, Kyslp, seriously? Orgasm during childbirth? Huh?
I guess I didn’t do it right because that never happened to me. Do you remeber when that was all the talk sometime in ’08?
And Karyn, once in the position, you’re right, it was…okay. Not as awesome as before, but most of that was me being self-conscious. Because I looked like a water buffalo. I knew I did.
It’s hard to find a position that works…I’m almost 15 weeks pregnant and am VERY aware of this softball sized lump in my stomach when we move around a bunch. It’s a pain when he wants to do it cause all it feels like to me is a bunch of poking around. I swear I almost asked him if he was done yet last night…Every time he touches me I want to gag a little cause I know how everything is going to jiggle. Even more so that he’s the “middle of the day” kinda man and there’s no turnin’ off the sunlight! Ack! I also noticed (and glad to know I’m not the only one!!) that at 9 weeks along, I could not fit my big ass into my regular clothes. It looks as if I’m almost 7 months now! Ugh…
Beautiful Mess, I never found that position. Mainly because I was sobbing about my hideousness. Like I said, I felt like a beast. Issues much? Me? NEVER.
I applaud anyone who DOESN’T have these weird hang-ups, by the way.
I see you’ve kept the most offensive stuff for the end. Michael Bolton. *shudders*
I’ve never been pregnant, but thanks to you, when the time comes, I’ll be going into it with my eyes open (probably staring at my crotch the whole time looking for any cheeseburger-like characteristics). Thanks Aunt Becky!
i could have written this entire thing myself. TLC? i mean, come ON, who watches that crap? PREGNANT WOMEN, that’s who. because it’s not enough to be pregnant and dangerously emotionally unstable, let’s all jealously watch other women as they give birth and put an end to their pregnancy. did i say pregnancy? i meant misery. also, have you noticed that TLC has all sorts of shows that are designed to make the rest of us feel like terrible mothers and lousy human beings? (except for the “i have a horrible disfigurement and now i’m on tv so for one hour you can feel good about yourself” shows.) 18 kids and counting? have you seen this lady? i am having trouble with THREE kids, and she’s like, “hello birthing center? i *think* i’m in labor,” like it’s possibly the most boring thing, ever. she could be calling her mechanic, “hello midas? i *think* my brakes need adjusting.”
pregnancy sex was not happening for me, either. between the exhaustion and the “broken glass pelvis” thing (which is THE BEST DESCRIPTION, ever), sex was so not happening. i had a lot of heartburn with all my kids, so being horizontal in any direction wasn’t fun to begin with, and there was no way in hell i was going to do ANY of the work.
Luckily, Emilie, you won’t be able to see your crotch.
kyslp, I don’t do anything right.
Stone Fox, *applauds* Exactly. I don’t watch TLC. Except while pregnant.
I actually felt BETTER about myself (the way my body looked, I mean) when I was pregnant. Mostly because I was thinking, “Yes! I’m growing a person – there’s a REASON I’m gigantic.” In fact, I have a much better body image post-kids (plus-30lbs) in general than I did when I was wearing a size 4 and weighed 95 pounds (though I wish I had realized what I looked like at the time and had enjoyed it more then!). Anyway, I’m pretty much always in the mood for sex (except when I was on Lexapro) so maybe my opinion shouldn’t count.
Also, the only time I ever watched A Baby Story was when I was pregnant. What is up with that?!
I think that A Baby Story is only interesting to pregnant women. Otherwise, it’s like being poked in the ear repeatedly with a red hot iron.
yep, only watched Baby Story while pregnant…any other time, it’s just plain annoying!
All those hormonal pregnant ladies and their coordinated nurseries and huge nipples scare me a lot.
I actually let my hubby help with the landscaping once and ended up with the worst razor burn I have ever had in my life.
Somehow for the last 4 months I managed to turn myself into a contortionist with a leg up on the bathroom vanity in front of a mirror so I wouldn’t cut myself. So much for not ever having to see my cheeseburger crotch!
You’re a brave woman to let your husband help with the lady bits. Dave would have gladly helped, to Take One For The Team, but he would have been so gentle it would have taken him 6 years. OR, he would have cut my clit off.
Because I adore my clit I would have been happy to accept a gift certificate for a bikini wax.
Never really did ever get the fuss over pregnancy sex. My husband informed me early on in my gestation that “it” was supposed to be more intense and pleasurable.
Nope…did not get that at all. It must be in the men’s handbook to tell the wives that so they will be more open to sex at a time when our bodies are abnormally round and there is another person in the throws of passion making positions awkward and cumbersome.
I am suddenly soooo relieved I’m not pregnant!!! Thanks Bex!
I’m right there with you on so many of those issues. I also gained 15 pounds almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant and was in maternity clothes before you could say “baby bump.”
Also, I did not feel sexy, the sex pretty much sucked and there were times when all I could think about was whether we were hurting the baby or the baby would move and it would totally make me feel dirty. I know there is nothing wrong with sex during pregnancy, but honestly, I only did it to please my husband.
And he got a LOT of blow jobs
Pretty much any time I think about pregnancy, Ames, I’m like, “Thank GOD I’m not pregnant.” Not because I don’t love my children and the end result, but because of all of this.
And Petra, I’m with you. I wanted to rise above it all and NOT be creeped out by having sex while having a baby so….close, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
This was a good one. Sex while pregnant was uncomfortable at best, but it was fun trying new positions. And for us, anyway, more sex in the end did not convince baby to arrive. We had sex about once a day once my due date came and went…..for 12 long days. She finally came 12 days late! At that point, it wasn’t fun. It was just work and nobody likes to work, especially when pregnant.
I was SO excited when I got pregnant – mostly for the baby part, but also because I had heard that pregnancy sex was AMAZING. If I could remember who told me that BLATENT LIE, I would hunt them down and kick their ass. There is nothing sexy about having to stop mid-romp to go puke or about telling your husband to, “GET IN, GET OFF, AND GET OUT” (said on more than one occasion when I was looking to encourage the baby to GET THE HELL OUT. There was no glow, no comments from him telling me how beautiful I was carrying his offspring, and there was certainly no way I was going to let my husband see my blue twinkies (or cheeseburger crotch, as you so lovingly call it.)
At 4.5 months post-partum I still feel like a fat cow and the farm is off limits to the farmer. It is, however, all good thanks to that one little bonus the breastfeeding books only metion in teeny, tiny little print: the nursing orgasm.
blue twinkies! hahahahahahahahahaha, that’s awesome!
No sex for me during pregnancy. Well, none with a PARTNER, that is. I had this crazy drive, but felt so ugly that I didn’t want to be seen. So, I took matters in my own hands.
There you go again, with the cheeseburger crotch jokes.
Suzy, I’m with you. The electric boyfriend and I had a special bond for those long months.
Nicole? Will you make babies with me? “Blue twinkies?” I am officially in love with you.
I just had a baby three months ago, so this is all very fresh in my memory. Sex during pregnancy is a whole ‘nuther bag isn’t it? I wanted it so much–I was chomping for it, but then either my husband would turn me down (Oh! the hormonal tears!) or we’d start and it would be so awkward and weird we’d just get frustrated and give up.
It totally sucked ass.
And the first sex after an episiotomy is just dandy.
well, i only turned you down because every once in a while i felt like i was stepping on someone’s toes.
so to speak.
I’m with Suzy. I can’t even begin to tell you how much porn I have downloaded in the last 20 weeks…but I don’t want to have sex. The problem isn’t body image, though. Although my baby daddy and I are hanging out and trying to remain friendly (we broke up cause he has no self control, see blog for details)…well, the thought of boinking him makes me angry. Like, punch-him-in-the-face-and-bite-out-his-eyeballs angry. Cornered badger angry. Really effing pissed.
And although I’m single, and although there are guys out there who might be willing to romp around with someone who is slowly turning into a basketball…well, the idea of having sex while with child with someone besides said child’s father seems really gross and wrong.
I got lucky so far in the getting fat department. At 21 weeks I’ve gained 5 pounds, I’m wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans unbuttoned with a belly band and a cute shirt…and I basically look damn good. Don’t hate me yet though…I’m under 5 feet and swelling rapidly. This won’t last long.
See, I’m afraid to download porn. Because, you know, viruses and stuff and I’m totally living in 1998, aren’t I?
Well, of course you can get a virus from a porn site.
But then again, you can get one from Facebook. Or any lyrics search engine. Or a news website with all those crappy pop ups. I got one from Google once.
So I take my chances.
Just download the porn already girl!
Oh how I heart you Aunt Becky. I gained 5oish lbs while pregnant with my daughter and inhaling tastycakes, taco salads doritos, ice cream, you name it. So I was de-freaking-termined that it wasn’t happening again. I inhaled rice cakes, uh-salad salads, fruit and the like, and gained, well, 50ish lbs. BLAST. My son is, well, will be 4 months old in exactly 24 hours as of this typing (10:44 pm!) and we’ve had sex like maybe 3 times in teh past year.
Oh well, no birth control worries, right?
I just figured why my kids are aliens. It’s because *I* am an alien… I didn’t like being prenant, but I was RABID. RABID the whole time. And birth was awesome, and it wasn’t because of the great drugs. It was just awesome… not what you’d call orgasmic by any stretch, but awesome.
Of course.. my husband.. God, or someone, bless him, is never rabid. And *least of all* while looked like a dimpled and corpse-ish beached whale. The man is no hippy. Crissy, I feel you. Hormonal tears were just the beginning. Hormonal throwing of blunt objects at his head promptly ensued. So I developed a very special relationship with myself, like you do. Just as well.. he’s never home anyway. Good thing I’m not scared of my genitals!
And I did send him down there to clean things up, because… bleeding? for WEEKS?! WHILE YOU’RE ALL HAIRY AND NASTY?? EWWWWW. But I hate razor burn too, so I sent him down there with a little comb and scissors. Seems scarier maybe, but a nice trim did the trick while simultaneously avoiding the Small Child look.
Part of the awesomeness was avoiding a g*#^^@# episiotomy both times, and since the bleeding came to a happily screeching halt earlier, 6 weeks (& doctor’s advice) be damned, I was on that man 3 wks postpartum. I didn’t care if slapped dead every cow in TX, I wasn’t freaking waiting another damn day.
Your husband is a love.
OMG, It’s like we are twins seperated at birth or something. And here I thought it was only me who thought that….
Well I still think that at times..but the mix of “happy” pills and lack of sleep will kill anyones libido. I’m saving it for when the kids move out and then, we’ll rock the house down and scare the neighbours;)
Being that I am freakishly short and my husband is 6′ tall, we could never find a decent position to bump uglies while I was pregnant. Not that I really felt like it anyway. I let him play with the hooters and he was happy. Most likely because if I was in a good enough mood to let him play with my hooters, he wasn’t likely to be screamed at any time soon for some minor stupidity. Ah, hormones.
Bwahahahaha! Men can be so easily appeased sometimes. God love them for that.
OMG Aunt Becky! I love reading your blog and now you have added a new addiction to my long list of internet addictions.
You crack me up! And you don’t live that far from my little place on the river. I will be back often to hear what else you have to say, it always brightens up my day!
Just like that, I am now at status blushy.
Hmm….pregnancy sex. 4 words….Come near me and I will cut you. I can’t even fucking count when I’m pregnant, let alone participate in anything more strenuous than blinking.
Hey, dubiousMa, you owe me a new keyboard. I spit water all over mine. reading that comment!
I was single during most of my first pregnancy. I was dealing with a pretty effed-up situation, and I don’t think sex crossed my mine even one time. Sometimes I wonder if I’d have been horny if not for mitigating circumstances.
Second pregnancy? Aunt Becky, GET OUT OF MY BRAIN. It’s creepy with you in there. I could’ve written that whole thing, myself, along with most of the comments.
But besides the puking, the dead skin and hair, the rapid fat-expansion of every normally sexy body part and the.. what was it.. oh yeah, the puking, there was something else no one has mentioned yet. The Great Cosmic Joke. The cruelest thing God/ess has ever, ever done to the Menfolk.
Pregnancy boobs.
During pregnancy, the hooters become full and round and perky and delicious looking. The hooters call to the male mate. Draw them like moths to flame. But for those like me who decide it’s a good idea to take that “maybe I’m pregnant” breast tenderness THROUGH THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY, there is NO TOUCHING ALLOWED.
I can’t tell you how desperately my husband wanted to- and tried t0- cop a feel. Multitudinous times a day. And night. I think he’d have been happy to spend hours at a time just standing there holding them.
But, alas, NO TOUCHING ALLOWED. My preggo boobies were the stuff of male porno fantasies and he couldn’t touch them, ever. For nine months.