I’ve decided that self deprecation does more to hurt the male ego than I ever could.
I once dated a man who talked constantly about his “small” penis. Having seen it up close and personal I found it interesting that he would choose to obsess over a perfectly normal sized organ. And when I say “constantly” I don’t mean every sentence. But still, it was mentioned often.
One day I decided to count. Over the course of a few hours he made a small member joke three times. Now three may not seem like that many but think about it. Have you had any conversations about male anatomy today? How about three? How many times a day do you reference the size or shape of your vagina?
I never thought about his penis unless it was presented to me. That is, until he started bringing it up in conversation. And, much like that annoying friend who talks incessantly about how fat her size 2 ass is, I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to say. Clearly he thought his penis was small. Clearly he thought it was a problem.
It wasn’t that small.
Was it the largest penis I’d ever seen? No. But it fit within the realm of normal. I mean it wasn’t a baby carrot for the love of crap, so what the hell was he so worried about?
He refused to talk about it. He’d make a small penis joke and I would respond with something I liked about him or his penis. Once I tried to ask him what made him think it was small. Had some idiot female told him “how cute it was” or some other awful variation? But when I tried to talk about his “small” penis, he’d shut down. He could mention it in every conversation, but if I did, he wouldn’t speak to me for hours.
My mind went wild. I decided someone had baby talked to his penis. Another day I imagined that someone had remarked crassly, “I thought it’d be bigger.” I tried to understand what it must feel like to be in a locker room, casually glancing at the other penises trying to compare and see how the others measured up. I tried to remember if I’d seen penises that were smaller than his. I tried to remember how much larger the bigger ones were. But I couldn’t. It was like I had the penis-memory-blinders on. His was the only penis I could recognize in the genitals line-up of my mind. I loved him, so therefore I loved his penis.
I started thinking about self deprecation. While making fun of ourselves is certainly a human characteristic and makes for some of the funniest standup comedy, often self deprecation is just a shroud to hide our insecurities behind. Make the joke first so no one else has the opportunity to beat you to the punch. Because, surely, you’re just saying what they’re all thinking anyway…right?
Well, they’re certainly all thinking it now that it’s been pointed it out.
I have my own small penis complex.
Mine is a Madonna/whore complex. Not the material-girl kind, but the more virginal sort. I make jokes about being promiscuous, slutty, tawdry. Bawdy and loud, I may be; a whore, I’m not. But in a workplace where slang and swearing is customary, I have to do my best to fit in with the boys club. And that means establishing an identity that is as much John Wayne as it is Mae West.
When I tell stories of my adventures, instead of classifying them as the normal moments in the life of a twenty-something on the dating scene, I sometimes feel the need to qualify it.
“Well, everyone has to have a slutty friend, and I’m yours,” I’ll joke at the end of talking about making out or a bad date or a one-night stand.
But the plan backfires when I talk about my small penis. By making the joke first I fool myself into believing that I have the power. But by doing this people think it’s perfectly fine to make jokes about what a tramp I am. And when someone quips, “She’ll make out with anyone,” I laugh along with the group, pretending that I’m not hurt. After all, I started it.
So as it turns out guy, the reason I never really minded your small penis is simple. It turns out I have one of my own.
This is guest a post by Leah M. Charney. Would you like to see your story grace the pages of Toy With Me? Click here to find out how you can submit your story.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve had my share of large, medium and very small penises….there are some very small that there is just no point in getting down and dirty if you’re not going to feel anything at all. But I will say this, I am with someone who does not have the biggest penis I have seen and not the smallest either. But I do remember thinking the first time he pulled it out, “oh, you poor thing, it’s small.” And almost a year later, guess what? I have had the most orgasms with him than with anyone else. I am sure love has A LOT to do with it and he has been the only man to outlast me! That is a total plus. So any men out there with a less than large penis, it’s not always about the size.
WOW. I love this post!!! This is amazing. I am the same way, I am the Closet Slut and I consider myself so. But it makes my boyfriend feel like I will make out with anyone, when I really won’t, I am just poking fun at myself…and he thinks his penis is small and I am like, no, it’s not. It’s PERFECT. I love it.
My ex’s penis was a lot larger than his was, so I thought, oh noes, what am I gonna say to him? But I learned that, his penis is quite the normal size, and definitely not small, and it certainly does its job well! So what is there to worry about? He may sometimes gloat that it is so huge, but I just laugh and don’t say anything. What would I say, “No, actually, it’s smaller than such and such”…hell no! That would ruin his pride completely. I just giggle and go along with it. All that matters is that I love him, and that his penis is perfect for us. And I wouldn’t change a thing.
Great post!
I do not understand the ranking men do with this. I often wonder if women do it as often with our own image issues. Another post idea, perhaps?
But, I will say this, of the handful of male members I’ve met, the men who had the biggest, were the worst in bed. Coincidence? Possibly, but I think I read somewhere in another post here that it is more about (pardon the air quotes) “worshipping” their “gift” than anything else.
Violet, if he knows how to work it, it matters very little what it is you’re working with. I think you are correct in the love and the outlast that makes your man so sexy, but I’d guess his confidence has a lot to do with it too.
Rose, you make me blush with your kind words. Closet sluts of the world, unite! I might make out with almost anyone but that’s my business. Besides, even if you might make out with anyone, I’ll bet you’d rather make out with your man candy.
Mel, see above about knowing how to work with what you got. Some of the more well-endowed men seem to think that because they were blessed with a large cock they don’t have to do much else.
I agree- great post! Until now, I hadn’t given it much thought, but I am always making fun of myself. I’m quite certain someone else will do it for me if I don’t jump on it, and it sets the tone for everyone. My friend used to call herself the Kissing Slut. She had gotten drunk and kissed a whopping three or four boys one year- paltry in comparison to even my sober make out sessions.
I never find myself with an overwhelming desire to point out, or even come up, flaws in those around me. Or flaws in the penises around me (just one these days, but you get the point). We all, man and women, seem so caught up in trying to be the perfect (insert noun- bikini body, penis, ex-Catholic school girl), yet do we ever hold anyone else to those ridiculous standards?
I’ll go back to making fun of my own huge (but not really) ass now.
I really liked this post. I have a real problem with self-deprecating humor, as far as seeing others use it, and using it myself. You really hit the nail on the head when you said it’s a way for people to make themselves the punchline first, before anyone else gets a chance. The problem is, of course, 9 times out of 10, no one was thinking about it anyway.
I do the same thing. It’s not my penis, because, well, Leah, mine is fucking huge (sorry to brag, but I thought I should be honest because we’re friends), but it’s my weight. Baby weight. I mock myself for it. I need to shut the fuck up because it’s coming off and yet I make fun of it before you can.
What’s funny is that you probably wouldn’t think about it if you met me. Maybe you would, but after I started in on it, you really would.
I need to stop. Really, I do.
Loved this post.
Dear Queens of Self Deprication, All of you. I love how honest and supportive this community is. I write about sex, so the implication is that I must have a lot of it. Which is only sometimes true. And do I sometimes do things just for the benefit of my column or my blog? You betcha! Just like the Jew is Kinky for the sake of the product, and Bex earned every ounce of that baby flab (that no one, even Daver) can see. Meow. xoxo, Kitten.
I am so guilty of self-deprecation, I pretty much live by it. I mock myself about everything. Before I lost a lot of weight I kind of wrote it off as being a big girl comedian kind of thing that I had to do. But I still do it now. I have small penis syndrome in the worst way. And as much as I want a laugh, sometimes it hurts when you get one. I also use the “guys club” act as well… Play off my whore-ness as a joke. Not that I am one, but I bet I come across as more of one than most people who are a thousand more times whorey than I actually am… Loved this post!
Now reading your blog from here on out. You are funny and self deprecating. And I’m trying to convince myself that we can be both. I mean seriously, there are a lot of small penises out there. In the immortal words of Tim Gunn, “Make it work!”
Comparison is a terrible thing and can haunt a person for a lifetime.
I remember when I was in head start (no, not there, mind out of the gutter please!
) and I was in the boys bathroom at the urinal and had my first look at a circumcised penis. Well, it turns out that the other boy had his first look at an uncircumcised one — and he started laughing!
Damn. That was a not so subtle hint that I was different. In this case, I felt it was different in a bad way, as if I was totally inferior. For crying out loud, I was only about 5 or 6 years old! Who was *I* going to talk with about that? My mom? No. There was no internet then, eh?
For years after that, I always had to use a stall to go to the bathroom because I was so self conscious. Let alone the size issue.
Fortunately, today, I am no longer plagued by that kind of self doubt and insecurity. I just have normal man parts (and people parts, like fingers, tongue, etc.) and think that I know how to use them to maximum advantage. Still, the memories of how it messed with me as a boy and young man are indelible.
Oh, and yes, they all do look funny. In the BBC series Red Dwarf, one of the characters (Kryten, a mechanoid) asks another (Lister, a man) "are you telling me that of all the available designs, this is the best one they could find? The last chicken in the shop look?".
oh my i have that small 6 inch 1 3/4 inch across member. Hell yeah its small compared to many. Well I have a voice that most ladies tell me activates their cots in just a couple words, and a tongue that can make most of them cum faster than any lesbian could ever think about. still the label average does nothing as a self esteem builder. So when my slut asked a just said it looks small but be careful couse it could choke ya if you were not paying attention. My saving grace is that it grows when there is the tactile sensation of a damp vagina around it and hits the 7- 7 1/2 mark depending on how tight the vagina is.
Well fuck me. I just opened a can of worms with that last sentence. Its true sluts. If its loose like a screen door from banging, you end up with 6 inches. If its nice and tight I will be tickling your womb.
So if your average or small pull it out and hit it with a tape measure when you find that nice tight girl and most will be pleasantly surprised. Sometimes the truth hurts folks and the loose ones do get a small member. don't beat me up.