The Vagina Gentrification Project

From now on Toy with Mes, I would prefer to be known as Crissy, Sparkly Crotch, Queen of Everything because, yes.  Yes indeed.

1) Because I look excellent in glitter.

B) I feel so plain and ugly after all the stuff I’ve been reading about vaginal improvement lately.  I’d like to gentrify my vagina, please!

Seriously, there’s a ton of stuff you can do to turn your plain old everyday crotchals into a glory to behold!  And I’m not talking about the usual stuff like shaving, dying your pubes, waxing, etc.  I’m not even talking about Vajazzling.

Which I tried, by the way.

It’s okay, I guess. I did mine at home with a sheet of stick on earrings I bought for $1 because I’m thrifty like that.  (Side note: you wouldn’t believe the number of hits I get on that picture!)

But now I see that Vajazzling is for amateurs and college co-eds looking to seduce innocent young men into their beds (seriously, follow that link. It’s fucked up) because now there’s CLITTER! That’s right peoples, it’s glitter for your clit.

Say it: Clitter! It’s fun to say, right?

I have many, many concerns about this (itching, scratchyness, glitter sticking to the boy’s face during, ahem, you-know-what, etc.) but first, I have a joke to tell you. Skim through it if you’ve heard this one:

A busy mom is rushing through her morning when she remembers that she has a gynecologist appointment that day. Caught at the last minute and un-cleansed, she runs to the bathroom and grabs a facecloth that was sitting on the vanity. She mops off, pulls her pants back up, runs to the gyney, and assumes the position. The doctor comes in, takes one look at her crotch and says “my, we’ve certainly put our best foot forward this morning, haven’t we?” The woman thought this was a little weird, but she takes the complement because it’s not every day an expert is all like “hey, nice cunt!”, and she moves on with her day.

Later that evening, her daughter shouts to her from the bathroom “where’s the facecloth that was here?” She replies, “it’s in the hamper! Why?” to which the daughter answers “because it has all my sparkles and glitter in it.”

UGH!

Sparklycrotch.

I need this in my life! But if I try it, I’m totally not taking a picture and showing it to you because I have rules about showing my goodies on the Internets. No matter how much you beg, I’m not gonna do it.  Believe me, my husband’s photography hobby insures I get a lot of requests but I ain’t budgin’.

All kidding aside though, there’s some really sad stuff people are doing to their lady business and I think we need to become activists to stop it. Vagina Activists. Vagactivists.

While many of us ladies get to be nasty whores with disco crotches, there are some poor girls out there who still live in the dark ages where a woman’s virginity is pretty much her greatest asset when it comes to attracting a husband.  Sure, the boys will have sex with them, but they won’t marry them because they’re not virgins!

These poor ladies are so worried about the status of their hymens, even if they don’t have one due to using tampons or riding a tricycle when they’re three, that they undergo a hymenoplasty , also called revirgination.   They actually either reconstruct the existing hymen, or they sew some fake shit on there.  They call it “biomaterial” but I bet it’s dead guy skin.  EW!  EW! EW!  Also, OW.  I’ve had my lady business sewed up twice now after having babies, and I’m here to tell you, it fucking hurts.

Poor girls.

And then of course there’s the equally horrifying Vaginal Rejuvenation, which we’ve all heard about.  I’ve never actually spent time studying the aesthetics of my twidget because I don’t really care. Also, the mirror angle is awkward and I’m just too lazy.  Besides,  I have never met a guy who would turn down a girl because her labia were floppy or whatever. They’d possibly go and snicker about it to their friends later: “dude, you should have seen the wizard cuffs on that chick! I think her real name is Gandolf! Hahahahaha!” but most guys I know are so happy to be granted access in the first place they don’t care! So it’s just one more thing for us gals to be all in a kerfuffle about.

I’ll admit it–after reading about how surgery like this is on the rise, I went insane for about thirty seconds and I took a look at my parts in the mirror and wondered if maybe they were substandard in some way.  I blame porn, mostly because I like to blame confused sluts for all kinds of things, but also because they makeup, airbrush, photoshop, etc. all the pussy pictures just like they do for the pictures in any magazine, and so everyone thinks that’s what a hot twat is supposed to look like.  Realism isn’t high on the list of priorities.

I’d also like to blame the surgeons who perform the surgery for going along with it. I mean, I guess I can see doing it if there’s a medical reason for it, like if you’re having back problems or if you’re tripping over your labia or accidentally sucking in small animals and children or something, but that’s it.

For most of us, this surgery is silly and unnecessary and VAIN AS THE DAY IS LONG.

So I guess my Vagina Gentrification Project will be limited to stuff I can find in my daughter’s craft basket; it’s cheaper and a whole lot less painful than a full-on pussylift.

Now where did she put that tube of glitter…?

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Related posts:

1. What Google Taught Me About Vagina
2. The Vagina Monologues – Getting Comfortable With My Lady Bits
3. I Am Afraid Of My Vagina

About the Author

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.