Because I am a neurotic freak and I am also in the middle of starting a freelancing career (stop laughing), I have been going back to the very first posts in my archives and rewriting them. Not like rewriting the past or anything ultra-glamorous, but just fixing up things where the grammar was crappier and where my keyboard imported these odd symbols where quotation marks had been. This, on the heels of realizing people went back and READ MY ARCHIVES. FOR SHAME. I know this because I got a VERY snotty comment mocking the end of one of my really early posts, and while they had a point, I was like, DID YOU SEE HOW OLD THAT POST WAS?
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Anyway. This has a point. I swear. One of my first posts over here at Toy With Me, I confessed that I was afraid of my vagina, and I was all, “I don’t know why.” While I hadn’t exactly been let-me-get-a-pocket-mirror-and-straddle-it with my lady bits before this happened, I found the reason I’d been looking for in my archives. I’m assuming that I’ve been suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and have repressed all memories of the experience and that is why I couldn’t tell you about it. I’m planning to sue now that I’ve remembered the whole experience. You’re all going to be my witnesses, so get ready. When I win, we’ll all mob the courtroom in a big riot like on Jerry Springer.
One night, after I’d had The Sex with my boyfriend The Daver, we were laying there talking about vaginas, and he dropped a bomb: he’d seen UGLY vaginas. Now, I’d seen some pretty unattractive vaginas, but they were either pregnant and swollen or old and I hadn’t really thought about entering them into a beauty pageant. It just never had occurred to me that some vaginas were ugly.
I’d Seen My Share Of Weird Looking Penises
It should have, though, because I’d seen my share of weird looking penises. I’d once touched a penis that was so small that I literally couldn’t touch it again because it barely fit in the palm of my hand. For your information, Internet, I don’t have big hands. They’re really small, actually. DAINTY, even. There were the short and stubbly chodes and dangly ball sacks that dipped down past the knee and the ones the tilted up or down or to the left or right. The long and slender ones that looked like pencils. Penises, penises, penises. All different kinds.
A Neuroses Was Born
But vaginas? I thought they were all kind of the same. I don’t know why I’d thought that, looking back on it. I’d seen enough porn to know better than that, but I guess I’d never really stopped to think, “Hey, I wonder what her vagina looks like.” And I’d REALLY never given credence to the idea that a vagina could be ugly. So I laid there in the dark, blood pressure climbing and wondering if my vagina was ugly. The more I thought about it, the more I became convinced that yes, in fact, my vagina must be hideous. Long after Dave fell asleep, I laid awake, thinking about what goes into making a vagina truly ugly.
And just like that, a neuroses was born.
I need to break myself of this neuroses, because I can’t spend the rest of my life cowering from mirrors and blindly shaving my lady bits because one of these days, I’m bound to cut myself badly enough that I’ll cut something worthwhile off and I’ll end up peeing through my belly button. That, I’m afraid, is the opposite of sexy.
So, like everyone else, I’m taking my cues from Hollywood.
Young starlets in Hollywood seem to have no trouble bearing their cootchies for the waiting paparazzi. It seems like every day I’m inundated with new pictures of the crotch of someone I’ve never heard of, and if that’s what it takes to make me more comfortable with my vagina, well, Internet, SO BE IT. Sure, I only pretend that the press is stalking me because I’m an F-List blogger, not a Hollywood Star and the only interviews that I give are in my head or to the friends in the computer that I’ve conned into it, but who cares? Fame, real or imaginary is fame, right? Just as Paris Hilton. She’s my idol.
It’s Time For Me To Flash My Cooter
So I’m banishing the granny panties and the too-big-for-me yoga pants in favor of the micro mini’s. Certainly I’ll only wear them to the grocery store and the other wicked interesting places I run errands—like the library!–but I’m positive that someone will be right there to catch a shot of me exiting the car one leg waaaaaaay after the other. Or maybe as I do cartwheels in front of the store, completely freeballing it. I wouldn’t, of course, want anyone to miss a shot of my vagina. I’m sure it’ll be up on someone’s Twitter and YouTube account in no time. I just need to add a @mommywantsvodka tattoo somewhere down there so it all gets linked back to me. All press is good press, right? Besides, I assume that if I see my cooter from enough angles, maybe I’ll stop freaking out about accidentally catching a glimpse of it when I get in the shower. It’s like flooding therapy that they do for people who are phobic about airplanes, except without the airplanes.
While I’m certain that it will shock and dismay a good portion of people who know and love me, maybe even people who may live with me and call themselves my husband, perhaps he shouldn’t have mentioned that some vaginas have the consistency of pita bread. Because that, my friends, is a mental picture you can’t undo. So, if you see me doing naked split wet beaver gymnastics (gymnasties? heh) in front of your grocery store, please don’t call the police and report me for lewd conduct. Just take some pictures of the freak show like everyone else. Oh, and make sure to send me a copy. It’s for my own good, you know.
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{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
ROFLMAO!!! You continue to crack me up!! I needed a good guffaw this morning!
I can understand where you’re coming from. I’ve had a problem accepting my own lady bits for some time. Mostly because the inner lips dangle like two meat curtains. It’s like they’re trying to drip out of me. Still, I’ve found sites that say that it just means I’m well-endowed. That gave me a much needed ego boost. And after seeing sites on female genital mutilation, I’m glad to still have all my lady bits. It’s still annoying that they get pinched in tight pants and get stuck sometimes during romps, but I guess now I’m grateful that I have what I have. Why is it so hard sometimes just to accept our bodies and be happy with them?
I LOVE the meat curtains! Lots of extra fun licking to do and its fun to visualize when my manhood is sliding in between them. I guess everyone has their own preferences but i like something to look at.
BKMHOXX You know, I never really asked my hubby what he thinks. I guess I’ve been too afraid. The only thing I’ve heard from him is I can get surgery when we have the money if they really bug me that much. Not sure if I’d go for the surgery, though. 6 weeks without sex? O.o No way.
Oh my. I lauged so hard. I have seen some pretty and some pretty ugly Vagoos. Some looked like a roast beef sandwhich. There how do you like it when people put images in your head. Now, let’s see you try to eat Arbys (I don’t suggest it anyway). Great post as always.
Laughed laughed. Ah gawd damnit.
I love Arbys and i love a roast beef sandwich va-j-j as well.
You guys are killing me over here. Thank you.
Am now convinced that my shit looks like an Arby’s roast beef sandwich. Fuck. Now what?
Let me be the judge of that. Send me a photo.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA….
I don’t think I could survive if you said that in fact, yes, yes it does, just throw some horsey sauce on that bad boy and let’s roll!
I’m dying laughing at my desk reading this, just so you know.
I think I may still be suffering from that neurosis. And I’ve done the whole pocket mirror thing to the point where I was going to rename is vagina mirror, but then I realized “My pocket mirror” really worked as was.
hahaha
well maybe not horsey sauce
Thank G-D I wolfed down my lunch before reading the comments. Not so sure it’s going to stay there now though.
Fabulous post Aunt Becky
I have to say this: My friend felt she had an ugly vagina, so she practiced until it could do tricks. First, of course, the ben-wa balls, then ping pong balls, and finally, until she could pop a baseball out at a respectable speed.
Her logic was, even if it’s not VISUALLY appealing, you can’t deny the talent. So, if you could manage to do a cartwheel in front of my supermarket while shooting baseballs out of your vagina… I will proclaim yours the awesomest of awesome vaginas. So… get on that!
Unless your vag has hands and can wield weapons, I don’t think there’s anything to be afraid of.
Wow. This rendered me speechless and sent me in to consult with the spouse. I asked him “What do you think about vaginas?” and he said “I like them.” I asked him if he thought they “were pretty, or ugly, or what?” His response was that he has seen “some very ugly ones.” But could not follow-up in more detail.
I haven’t pondered whether vaginas or penises were attractive or ugly. I have always just figured the perception was based on the person they were attached to. I have yet to discover a single one that I have found desirable enough to take a picture of and hang on a wall.
Now that would make for some lovely Christmas dinner banter wouldn’t it?
Funny stuff!
However, now I have the need to go home after work, get a mirror and check out my lady bits.
I wonder if there is some kind of plastic surgeon who could make a “pretty” vagina ???
There ARE vagina plastic surgeons! I just don’t know what a pretty vag looks like. And I dunno if I want to.
Guh-Ross
My vag and I are both very uncomfortable. Somehow I don’t see us sitting down to a plate of roast beef and hugging it out, either. Seriously. Roast Beef. Never going to get that image out of my mind. The pita bread is a close second.
I wish I had a vagina. I’ll even settle for an ugly one.
I’d be happy to trade with you for awhile, Mr. Toy With Me. I believe I’ve been quite clear about the fun I’d have with a wang.
@mepsipax OMG. Roast beef. Stop. *choking* GAAAAAAAAAAAW!
and the rest of you with pita bread?
Let’s just open a Gyros shop and call it a day, eh?
Seriously – coming to terms with who you are and what you’ve got…the battle of a lifetime, eh? Partly because everyone’s is different. No one looks like you. No one feels like you. Hell, no one tastes like you. Have you hugged your cooter today?
#cooterlove
Funny……I have some of the same fears……I fear that my girly bits aren’t all pretty and photogenic.
As if we don’t have enough ridiculous standards to hold ourselves to. NOW, this. I give up. (Thank god my husband doesn’t seem to think it’s ugly.)
Do guys think/care about the specific details of their man bits (other than penis size) and how it measures up with the rest of the world?
LMAO!! I can’t quit laughing. Thanks Becky I needed it after the day I’ve had.
Pita bread????
Oh God Becky. This was so damn funny. Pita bread??? Roast beef??? I love you people.
Dear Redhead,
I am hugging my cooter today. And yours.
*waggles eyebrows*
I still haven’t gotten over the fear, instilled in me relatively recently, that I have fat arms. Or armpits. You know when you wear a sleevless shirt and you can feel like your armpits are being squeezed out the sides?
I thought that was about as neurotic as I was going to get with my “ugly fears.” But we have a new topper!
i think you all would have a really good time over on guess her muff:
http://guesshermuff.blogspot.com/
hours and hours of fun and entertainment!
Awesome, there goes my afternoon.
I’m loving you all more and more.
So, I just had to ask my hubby if he’d seen an ugly vagina. His response was “Is it a website?” Lol. After explaining it to him, he said not in real life.
Oh, sweet baby jebus. Like I didn’t have enough to worry about already. I already had a complex about the lady bits after the nice doctor explained that not only did the parts probably never work (not an issue because I didn’t WANT them to, except that now I can’t help but do the math on how many years did I pay for pills?), but then topped it off with an explanation of how they were arranged funny and impossible to get to in order to examine properly. Which is not something you especially want to hear while on the exam table with your feet in stirrups, but at least the casual observer of said lady bits would have had no idea that apparently they were not beautiful on the inside. But now I’m going to be worried about the possibilities of roast beef and/or pita bread. Great…..
I am never eating roast beef or pita bread again. Thanks for helping with my diet.
Thank you so much for writing this! Not only can I not stop laughing( omg roast beef does mine look like that?????!!!!!) but I’ve definitely dealt with more than my fair share of feeling ugly and ashamed or just unsure and being able to see a humorous side of it always makes fears easier to deal with.
While I still don’t think I’ll ever consider myself “pretty” and I still require a huge level of trust to get that intimate with someone, I’ve also realized that as long as it’s fully functional I should be happy with it.
It’s not what people look at anyways, unless of course you’re Britney or Becky doing cartwheels. And potential mates will initially like me for many many other things. If they’re lucky enough to get to know that part of me too, they damn well better LOVE IT!
Pita bread, I’m not getting that. Sorry Daddy
I had a friend once tell me that she became slightly obsessed with the female vagina, not realizing it came in so many shapes, sizes, and whatever else makes THOSE lips, kissable or not.
Maybe someone can make a Hot or Not of the Labia.
I wouldn’t obsess over it, or you may very well become a victim of those formerly mentioned Vaginal / Labial plastic surgeons (remember, there is no board for plastic surgery, anyone with a knife and an MD can take a slice at it)
I’m sure your cooch is lovely, but again ladies, don’t go asking your man. If he’s hittin’ it, don’t give him a reason not to, and if he’s not, put a little lipstick on it, and see if he notices.
And if you still have any doubts, I have two words – TWIT PIC.
(I did type twIt, right?)
;-D
.
CP – I definitely had #1209 pegged!!
Val – That is just plain adorable
Right then. I’m off to make myself a nice juicy roast beef pita wrap topped with oodles and oodles of cheese curds – YUM!