Have you ever been in the middle of having the best sex of your life and suddenly your leg cramps up? Or he pulls out and you abruptly become a whoopee cushion of epic proportions? Remember the time you had that toe curling orgasm, only to discover you had “peed” the bed?
You probably wondered if any of this was normal? Were you the “one off” girl that these things only happen to? You couldn’t tell your girlfriends because who wants to be the topic of next Saturday nights gossip fest as they sit and sip their cheap Boone’s wine and bitch about the chicks at work.
When I asked my girlfriends to anonymously answer some questions via survey, the answers that came back were fucking hilarious! Seriously, here I was thinking I was the only woman who many of these things happened to! Au contraire Mon frère! Ladies, we are not alone in our uniqueness!
If you stick out your pinky finger and put on a British accent, you can totally call this “Queefing” and hot damn, we are NOT alone! In fact, up to 95% of women will experience vaginal “flatulence” in their lifetime! Queefing comes from air building up in the vaginal canal and then when we bear down, as we often do when we are having fucking fantastic sex, the air is pushed back out. Usually, the air builds up between the head of the penis and the top of vaginal canal. The penis comes out, the air follows. Terrific! Wouldn’t you like to see a small toot, ya know, like from Popeye’s (pun intended) corn cob pipe coming from that little one eyed snake? How about just like a slide whistle? I vote for peefing! Yes, air escaping from the head of his penis, adding to the symphony of air escaping our naughty bits!
Excessive Discharge From Your Vagina
Okay, this can go one of two ways. A) Thank your lucky stars if you are a woman with a juicy lady garden! Many women struggle with having a dry vagina and if you are fortunate enough to not need a vat of lube to bump uglies, you should be happy! Lots of vaginal discharge shouldn’t be a BIG concern unless….. B) Vaginal discharge is dark yellow, or greenish in color. Is lumpy like cottage cheese, has a foul smell and/or taste to it. It hurts to urinate or have sex and you experience pain. These symptoms…BAD…NO BUENO! These are signs of infection and possibly a very serious one at that! If in doubt….get your vajayjay checked out! It might be a simple yeast infection; it might be a sign of a much larger issue! Ask the cute Gyno to go down on you and make sure your bits are healthy!
Extemely Wet Orgasms
Picture this…you are having the best sex of your life! You’re firing on all pistons, the engine is humming and you are suddenly having an orgasm that is shooting ET like beams out of your fingers, toes and you literally feel like your brain is going to pop out of the top of your skull! Immediately following those sensations, you feel the liquid beginning to pool on the sheets….SHIIIIIIIT!!!! Instantly your brain goes in to “what the fuck have I done?!?!?” mode. Your mini me is telling you that you have literally pissed the bed. Not to fret, this is perfectly normal and definitely encouraged. Trust your Inner Goddess as she jumps up and down over experiencing your very first “squirting” or “gushing” orgasm!!! Your manly man will be mentally high fiving himself for hitting that elusive “G Spot” thus securing his place in the orgasm hall of fame with his buddies! (*on a side note…if your man boy is suddenly screaming like a girl and asking you why you peed the bed…time to get a NEW BOY TOY!!!) Any man worth his pubes will be able to recognize what has happened and should be doing the end zone dance!!!
Mind Numbing Headaches After an Orgasm
Funny enough…this type of headache is called a “head banger headache” (Seriously???) Sex can be loosely viewed as “exercise” (It’s certainly MY KIND of exercise!!) If your partner is any good, you are breaking a sweat and making a hell of a lot of noise doing it! Many people hold their breath during orgasm, and this in and of itself can cause a headache…ask any toddler having a temper tantrum if their head hurts as they begin to turn 50 shades of purple! If the headache lasts several hours with no relief from pain killers, be sure to get it checked out. It can be a sign of something much more serious.
Making a List and Checking it Twice
Admit it, you’ve mentally compiled a grocery list at least a few hundred times while getting your sexy on. You’ve also compared lovers, designed the perfect bedroom décor and probably planned your grandmother’s 95th birthday party too. Let’s just strip naked and cop to doing a fuck ton of shit in our heads while we are mid thrust…ADMIT IT!!!! The god’s honest truth is we are wickedly over worked and over stressed. Sometimes, we physically want to have sex, but mentally, we are filing taxes. It’s okay if it happens once in a while, after all, mercy sex can be to our advantage, even if we aren’t there mentally. Sometimes, we just want to be a good partner and say yes, when everything in us wants to say “HELL NO!” Trouble may be brewing if you are RARELY mentally available during sex. If all you do is plan the community bottle drive and alphabetize the classroom volunteer list while your partner moans and groans above you, I highly recommend you get your ass into some therapy, couples or other. Nobody wants to have sex with a person who would rather be doing ANYTHING but! Do your best to be present for the sex and I promise that those gushing orgasms will come more often than not!
Do tell, toy with me’ers…what have you experienced that made you run to the google and self-diagnose?