You know what I’ve never been good at, Toy with Mes?
I…I don’t get it. I know this may come as a surprise to you, because most people think I am flirty and assertive and sexually powerful, but in actuality flirting eludes me. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to do all that crap Cosmo would have me believe is the way to get a man’s attention–bat my eyelashes, show a little leg, flip my hair, tell people I’m not wearing any underwear? WHAT?
I’m completely clueless and I’ve always been so jealous of people who are good at flirting.
In my college years, when I’d go out with my friend Suzi, she always had tons of guys buying her drinks and asking her to dance. They seemed to gravitate toward her, and nobody ever seemed to notice me. The wallflower. I always got stuck talking to the “wing man” while Suzi was guzzling down tons of free booze and collecting phone numbers on napkins she’d eventually use to blot her lipstick and throw in the ladies room trash can. “Thanks for the beer, sucka!” she’s say as she tossed it.
**I** wanted to do that! I wanted to eat men like air!
I always tried not to put out the “fuck off and die” vibe I must have been broadcasting, but there’s still something missing and it’s taken me years to figure out that the reason why dudes didn’t talk to me at bars was because I didn’t flirt with them. In fact, I didn’t talk much at all because what the fuck do you say? “Gee it’s really crowded in here tonight” sounds like a totally lame thing to say, but that’s all I got.
My friend Stacy is brilliant at flirting. She can’t help herself and it’s just a part of her being. She flirts with everyone–men and women alike. She’s even had me a little moist in my down belows on several occasions, just by looking at me. She has this way about her and she makes such great eye contact when she’s talking to you, she just seems to say “I’m gonna fuck ya and it’s gonna be good” even when she’s doing something as simple as giving driving directions.
I’d kill for just a little bit of what’s she’s got going on.
All my flirting disappointments happened back in the day before anyone had email, let alone anything like a dating site membership. Let me tell you: this isn’t a bad thing! I think I’d be even worse at flirting online! I mean, my big “gee it sure is crowded in here” line is totally useless on the Interwebz! Thank goodness I found a sucker I’m married because I’d be so screwed, you guys. Can you picture me on like, some dating site, and being all “um…so… you wanna buy my panties?”
And no matter how hard I try to be cute and flirty, I just lack the flirting gene.
Looking back, my grandmother was a marvelous flirt. She had the giggle and the eyelash thing down, baby! I wish I had known to take notes because my mother is not a flirt at all. In fact, she is the anti-flirt. My cluelessness is my mother’s fault, obviously. Isn’t she supposed to set the example or pass along the genes here? And now, because I don’t know how to flirt, I won’t be able to teach my daughters how to flirt, and now my grandchildren won’t be any good at it either and look what you’ve done mother! You’ve doomed generations of your granddaughters to forever sit at bars, entertaining the “wing man,” buying her own drinks, and counting down the minutes till last call.
As much as I like to blame my mother for everything, upon investigation, maybe it’s not really her fault after all. It could just be a cultural thing. According to a global study of online flirting conducted by Badoo.com, a social networking site that has over 80 million users in 240 countries, speaking 18 different languages, I’m not alone. As it turns out, we American ladies are pretty craptacular flirters!
We need to take some lessons from our Spanish friends who are more than two times as likely than Americans to initiate flirting with men. This comes from Badoo’s analysis of 90 million contacts made on their site and 90 million contacts can’t be wrong, Toy with Mes!! Those Spanish chicks really know what they’re doing as they top Badoo’s “World Flirtation League” chart. Next are the Polish ladies (which I never would have guessed), then Dominican Republic, followed by Italy and Argentina.
It’s not too surprising that the women in Latin countries take up eight of the top ten places. I mean, they don’t say “hot blooded Latina” for nothing! They earned that reputation!
Only very slightly less flirtatious than Americans are the Ecuadorians. The average American lady making the first move with 0.63 guys a month, compared to 0.62 by an Ecuadorian.
Why do we suck so hardcore, Americans? What the hell is wrong with us? I’m really into blaming people for stuff today, so I totally blame Disney for this one. I think we all grew up watching princess movies and sort of waiting for our prince to come instead of going out and grabbing the bull by his horn!
And those sassy Canadian ladies come in at ninth place! At least they made the top 10! Well done, Canada! It must be the cold weather and maple syrup, eh?
Below is a chart of Badoo’s findings that I ganked from sacbee.com. Just so you know what the hell you’re looking at, the “score” refers to the number of “woman initiated contacts” per month accomplished by the average female in that country. So if Canada has a score of 0.96, it means that the average Canadian chick makes 0.96 first moves with men per month. I’m still confused as to what all that means, but you know. My tiny girl brain does not comprehend numbers and math so maybe that’s just me.
At least I made it sound like I knew what I was talking about, right? That’s all the matters.
WORLD FLIRTATION LEAGUE CHART
So yes. I am an American and I have the Anti-flirt gene and like any good American, I’m going to blame Disney and my mother for this. And the terrorists, of course.
How many of you lady Toy with Mes are flirtatious types, and how many are challenged like myself? What about you boys? Are you a first move maker or do you like to sit back and let the ladies come to you? And, perhaps most importantly, is what you’re doing working, or is it failing miserably?