You know that horrible feeling you get when you realize that everyone else is clued in on something that you had absolutely no idea about? It’s that “oh fuck I totally got picked last in dodgeball go cry in the corner” type of feeling and I’m feeling it right now and it sucks and I hate it and I’m going to bitch about it for a little while. Ready? Okay, here goes.
Apparently, May was National Masturbation Month. And it’s not just that May was National Masturbation Month, it’s that May was National Masturbation Month and NO ONE TOLD ME. How in the hell is it possible that I’m only learning about this now that it’s June?! I think, really, that I probably deserve some sort of timeout for being a sex writer who managed to miss an entire 31 days dedicated entirely to masturbation. This is really very stressful news for me. I’m having a terrible day. Please hold me during such a trying and emotional time.
And, while you’re holding me and rocking me softly, let’s come up with a way to make me feel better. Let’s create a new month for me to get excited about. Let’s create National Oral Sex Month. Seriously, can you imagine if we got this added to the official calendar of commemorative months? But I mean, why not? What could possibly be better than a month of oral sex? Especially following a month of masturbation. It’s pretty much perfect actually, because we’d get to spend 31 days warming ourselves up for 30 more days of nonstop pleasure.
Why hasn’t anyone else thought of this before? And more importantly, now that I have thought of it, I think I need your help to make it happen. I need you to please attach your virtual signature to the following petition and tell me who the hell to send it to so that our sexy parts can get the nationally recognized tongue love they deserve.
The Petition
Dear Lovely Commemorative Month Selection People:
It has come to my attention that while setting aside time for things like National Sweet Potato Month, National Caffeine Awareness Month, National Foot Health Month, and National Stamp Collecting Month, you’ve somehow forgotten to include National Oral Sex Month on your official calendar of commemorative fun.
And so I (and the below listed Toy With Mes) would like to formally request that from now on, June be declared National Oral Sex Month. Mostly because June is already National Iced Tea Month and the month of my birthday and the addition of oral sex would just make it the perfect beginning of summer trifecta, but also because who doesn’t need more oral sex in their life?
No seriously, if you’re sitting over there thinking, “You know what? Nah, I’m against having more tongue in and around my genitalia,” then I think you should move somewhere where they have a National People With Very Weird Priorities Month. But, if instead you’d like to remain over here in the real world where tongue stuff = awesome stuff, please consider the following oral sex related bullet points as our argument:
- There’s a woman in Australia whose Twitter account is dedicated solely to teaching the art of the blowjob.
- There’s a man in Ottawa, Canada who believes that National Oral Sex Month already does exist and who is therefore advertising his mouth services on Craigslist for “soccer moms seeking special relief.”
- The above two people are a clear indication that this new celebration would be appreciated worldwide.
- A worldwide holiday could lead to world peace.
- World peace would be fantastic.
- Are you really in a position to turn down world peace?
- I’m sure you’d win the Noble Prize for something like this.
- After being awarded said Noble Prize, you’d then be able to spend the rest of your life looking lovingly at your Noble Prize while receiving prize winning oral sex.
- National Oral Sex Month wouldn’t just benefit the people of all nations, it would benefit the animals too – since macaques, cheetahs, hyenas, and goats have all been known to do the oral sex thing as well.
- Research sexologist Susan Crain Bakos claims that “some women can reach orgasm while performing fellatio because there really is a physiological connection between the throat and the vagina.”
- Orgasm! From! Giving! A! Blowjob!
- Did I mention world peace?
Sincerely,
Nicole & the below listed Toy With Mes
Please help spread the word about National Oral Sex Month by sharing with your friends!
About the Author
Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.
{ 86 comments… read them below or add one }
Hells yes!! Finally….a month I'd actually enjoy celebrating!
Sing me up in big bold letters
And I'm using a sharpie to do it!!
Yes! Sharpie petition signers count double! I think. I don't know the rules of official petitions. This is why I'm not Queen. Or, President. Or, fuck. ORAL SEX FOR EVERYONE!
I love you.
I love you back.
I orgasm while performing fellatio and occasionally when drinking really good iced tea. It is my post-oral drink of choice and thus the combination of these two things lead me to agree that June must be National Oral Sex Month.
Signed,
Crista Anne | Pink Sex Geek
P.S. Happy Early Birthday.
Wait. Wait. Wait!!
You orgasm from fellatio AND from drinking iced tea? Like, what? Is that for real? Are you my hero? I THINK SO. Damn it. Please come teach me everything you know.
@PinkSexGeek do you have a "secret" iced tea recipe? If so, please share
Now this is a month that WON'T SUCK! Or, will. Either way, I'm in.
GOOD SUCK MONTH, YES!
in the interests of symmetry and reciprocity, should we make it "national 69 month?"
i think that far too much attention surrounds blow jobs, vs. muff diving.
in fact, we shouldn't leave the rimmers out of this, either! it's an all-inclusive lick-fest.
National Oral Sex Month means all kinds of oral sex, yes. All inclusive lick fest, indeed. In fact, let's include that terminology in the fine print.
My birthday is June 9… No REALLY!!! I was born on 6/9
I. Am. All. For. It. Consider me signed up!
Woo!
Finally a month I would be happy to be stuck in the middle of!! I will be a rigid supporter of your movement!
High fives to you. Welcome aboard.
Rigid supporters are the best kind
Look, I'll sign, while begrudgingly realizing that this in no way guarantees that I will have the chance to either give or receive any more oral sex than I already do. Marriage will do that to you.
Maybe we could make it a law!!
Um this is ironic, for the oral has already been close to the the best ever this month, both ways, and it's only the 3rd of the month. Irony? Nope just good head.
Maybe you saw this coming (pun intended)
I think my husband would want me to sign, so I'm in!
Excellent! He should also be a player though
I think I've given more oral sex in the last two days than I did all of May, so, yes, it would be nice to have an excuse for that. Not like I need it. But also, I need a good excuse to get boys to go down on ME for a while. Not like THEY should need it. Whatever.
YAY ORAL SEX MONTH!
Wow, you're off to a great start!! Perhaps you should be the mascot?
OH please please yes!! I'll make t-shirts and stickers and custom blow pops? Actually the t-shirt will have a picture of me sucking a blow pop. And it will say June Sucks – National Oral Sex Month. And then on the back it will have instructions. Too much? I think not.
To much?!?! Absolutely NOT!! I want a t-shirt now!
You WOULD
Considering I received the best oral sex of my life for my birthday this weekend, I'm totally in!
My birthday is June 13. Finger crossies for similar results.
Um, yes please…..need I say more
No, this totally counts as a signature. Welcome aboard to Oral Sex Month train.
Yep. Sign me up too!
Yes!
sit on my face jk sign me up
We should totally get "sit on my face" buttons made.
Well, seems I missed the memo on "National Masturbation Month", but I wasn't active on that front anyway.
Oral Sex Month? Hell, YES!
While I didn't know it, I got started on that yesterday!
For once I can say (perfectly seriously), I've got this one licked!
It's going to be a fun month!
I'm in.
Keep that tongue wagging!
Hell to the YES.
I KNOW RIGHT?
'There’s a man in Ottawa, Canada who believes that National Oral Sex Month already does exist and who is therefore advertising his mouth services on Craigslist for “soccer moms seeking special relief."'
Oh god, I think he lives near me.
Wow, that's some kind of neighbor.
yay. Someone has brains
Time for us to celebrate joys in life
Cheers to the oral!
Of COURSE I'm in. Great cause, I totally support you and your genitalia-tongue action.
Great. Please tell everyone you know.
and while we're at it (cuz who won't be *down* with this observance) let's make june 31 days long.
Extra day of oral!
I'm conflicted. I am all about national masturbation month. since that's the most sex I get anyway. and I am a fan of the oral sex, but a whole month dedicated to it just reminds me that I'm not getting any of it and probably won't for a while. BUT, in the effort to not be a selfish bitter ass betty, I am in favor of a national oral sex month.
But who knows, maybe National Oral Sex Month *will* help you get more? The power of commemorative holidays!
Sign me up! Kat Libby would love more oral sex in her life. Throat-gasm? I wonder if I can do that… (my boyfriend thanks you in advance for that piece of edification.)
Please tell your boyfriend that he's very, very welcome.
Oh I'm so getting in on this one! Hell, I'm excellent at forging signatures; I'm sure I can come up with a few thousand signatures alone
I'm down with fraud if it means more oral.
And here I just got out of some tasty, tasty oral. I guess I'll just have to tell 'er we have to make room for it *~*EVERYDAY*~*. Blowjobs are all fine and dandy, but don't forget to tip the velvet, lovelies! Let's get those mouth-bound love muscles working! Hoorah!
Ahem. Another siganture from me~
Mouth-bound muscles. Maybe we should offer free tongue exercise classes toward the end of May?
I have all the national masturbation month. because it is getting more sex anyway. Since I got the best oral sex of my life for my birthday this weekend, I am completely!
From the looks of these comments, everyone is having amazing birthday related oral sex. My birthday is June 13. My turn.
Only one month?
Nooooooo!
Every month is oral sex month!
Agreed. But June is going to be *official* oral sex month. Other months you're free to celebrate as you wish, but June is for required tongue activity.
What about national steak and a blowjob day? how does that tie in?
Sign me up!
Anything Nicole wants she shall receive. Especially hours of oral sex in June!
I mean, yeah. Perfect answer.
Changing my name to Nicole – STAT!
Oh, it's happening. That's for damn sure.
P.s. Started celebrating last night promptly after reading.
I completely agree with this, especially since I was born on the 22nd of June.
Bonus for you!!
OMG I was just mentioning on 20sb that I almost came when I was giving my guy head…you mean it's not some fluke and I actually can?!
Sign me up…oh, and he's signing the petition too (and thanking you profusely)
Still not sure the mrs. would go for it even if it was a month :^(
I believe the conversation went something like this:
Nicole: I mean, I'm all about the blow jobs.
Andrea: Samesies!
Isn't that pretty much how ALL of our conversations go?
Best idea I've heard all year… add my name to the petition. Twice, please.
With pleasure
Wait, I think read somewhere that June actually IS national oral sex month… on sexis i think.
Whatever… I think we should make every month oral sex month.
yea, i said it.
Uh, HELLO? This is BAD ASS.
Signed!
Glad you thank so.
i am in! love oral sex but usually prefer it as foreplay
or 69 
and hey, my birthday is June 24 
what a better way to celebrate 
It's your lucky month then.
éric (from france)
amazing idea !!!
hope it will exist one day, here, in france.
Thanks for stopping by and we'll do our best to make sure it does.
I think this is a GREAT idea! In fact I'd like to suggest a National Oral Sex Month Motto… "June Sucks!".
Love the motto!
Since it will promote world peace I am certainly for it.
That's the spirit!!