An Open Letter To Blackberry – Quit Being Such Stuck Up Prudes


Dear Blackberry App Store People,

We here at Toy With Me have developed an app for the Blackberry that would allow users to use their phone as a masturbation device. They submitted it for your approval on June 17, 2009 and have been relentlessly following up with your company ever since! We understand the plight of the under-sexed Blackberry business user, but you continue to stall. Imagine all of the people who are suffering, alone and horny, all because you haven’t approved this app!

Your last response to us stated:

Due to the content of your application, it is currently in an extended review process that goes over the content and theme of your application, and determines its potential to be included in App World.

I apologize for the delays,

Ryan
BlackBerry App World Team

The iPhone Hippies Can Get Their Groove On

Those bloody iPhone hippies have developed an app for their phones that turns the phone itself into a vibrator with one hundred delicious vibrating speeds and patterns, all for the cost of…nothing. That’s right: iPhone users can enhance their sex life, release pleasure-inducing endorphins and relax all for free. And available for download in the Apple App Store.

Just because Blackberries are the choice of often-stodgy business people doesn’t mean that they should suffer. Just because they didn’t pursue a degree in Bong Studies or Underwater Basket Weaving and opted for something more practical doesn’t mean that they should be punished! Even people whose salaries rival those of some struggling nations need to get off now and again. Think of the Blackberry Users, people unable to turn their phone into a vibrator so that they can take care of some business while taking care of business.

Your Stock Is On “The Rise”

It’s been three months since your company has had the new app to take for a test drive (if you know what I mean, *wink, wink*) and I cannot help but think that this is why your stock is now on the rise!

The Stock Is On The Rise

Your employees are happier now, likely taking full advantage of the “Toy With Me” App on lunch breaks and during especially boring meetings. Perhaps that is it: you are all too busy playing with the “Toy With Me” App to approve it.

Look But Don’t Touch

Sure, Blackberry has always been known as the Business Person’s choice in hand held devices, and maybe you do like to maintain the image of a more professional company. But a simple trek to your App Store shows that any Blackberry user can download–and play–a game cleverly called “Beach Party.” So that one may try on swimsuits, vote for ‘hotties,’ and build sandcastles while pretending to read Very Important Email.

Certainly if that un-dignified App is not only approved, but on the front page of the store, you can approve the “Toy With Me” App as well.

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. If this doesn’t convince them, nothing will.

  2. Oh man, can I get something like that for my NV3? I am pretty sick of setting the alarm to vibrate every two minutes or so, it takes forever to get off…

    LMAO. You slay me.

  3. Crissy, I am totally with you. Without The Daver, I would have absolutely no idea what kind of fancy phone to get.

    And good for you Akilah! I hope that you have some fun *wink, wink*

  4. I freaking kid you not … I’m buying an iPhone today. And it’s nothing to do with this vibrator app thingy.

    Nothing at all … *whistling*

  5. I…
    I’m not sophisticated enough for this.
    I’m still mystified by my five year old flip phone.

  6. Suzy Voices says:

    SO glad I have an iPhone! Gotta go check that one out now!

  7. This was an eye-opening experience for us all. Come on Blackberry! You can doooo it!

  8. I think you have completely overwhelmed the folks at Blackberry and have halted any kind of productivity they may have had when not talking into their wallets.

    I can just see it, ear to crotch, back up to ear. I would have to keep mine tucked into my bra all day. It might look kind of funny and the extra weight might actually break my back but it would be worth it, Right!

  9. IS THERE REALLY A VIBRATOR APP FOR THE IPHONE??? MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE!!!!!!!!