My first best friend on the planet lived across the street from me. Our mothers were best friends. We were born in the same hospital, only weeks apart. We loved all of the same things, Big Wheels, Garbage Pail Kids, bubble gum, filching candy from the dish on top of the piano and picking cat tails in the marsh down the street. I considered us to be absolutely alike. Save for one minor detail that I only learned of one day while we were in the pool together. He had dangly bits between his legs where I had what appeared to be a second butt.
I Figure Out The Hardware
I moved away where I made another best friend, David, and another best friend, Ashley (oh, like you didn’t have multiple best friends when you were eight), and this tended to be the pattern I followed. For every female friend, I had an corresponding male friend. Luckily, thanks to Health Class, I learned what the dangly bits were called (cock-n-balls) and that my second butt was actually a vagina. This cleared up a lot of the confusion for me, although I didn’t pay it much mind. I would have, however, given all of my allowance for a month to be able to write my name in the snow with pee.
That First Crush
It wasn’t until puberty hit and I grew a set of itty-bitty-titties and fell in love with an absolutely dreamy guy in my first period science class that I realized that maybe, just maybe, there was something a bit, well, different about guys and girls, besides the obvious crotch issues. Sure, I’d read The Sweet Valley High books and I knew that I was supposed to have puppy crushes on boys that I thought were cute, agonizing over which Valentine to send him, and I’d had a few throughout the years, but never anyone I’d considered a friend.
But it’s never surprised me when I hear my gay friends say that “they just knew” because man, when I saw that cute boy in my science class, I just knew. It was like a light switch flipped and I was awash with hormones. Oozing out of my pores and seeping across the floor like a particularly heart shaped fungus. Oh, I had it, and I had it BAD. My days and nights were consumed by girlish thoughts about my new crush and it must have been absolute torture to be around me. Ah, puppy love.
A Vagina Tea Cozy?
This was the time in our lives where girls and boys aren’t supposed to be friends, we’re warned, because, of those pesky bits between our legs which, as I was walking, oozing proof, could get us into serious trouble. In high school, I fell in with a group of guys that called themselves The Metal Heads and was introduced first hand to one of the reasons that men and women have a hard time being friends: significant others.
While it was flattering to imagine that I was secretly traipsing around, having romantic trysts with the guys I considered to be brothers from other mothers, it simply wasn’t true. I’d sooner make Polish Sausages from my own intestines than consider letting any one of them use my own vagina as a tea cozy (side note: what IS a tea cozy?) but jealousy knows no bounds and many of these women, and many of my own boyfriend’s simply couldn’t understand that we were just friends. When I was around, it was all sneers and snotty looks, jealous glares and catty remarks and it always make me feel like a gigantic steaming pile of poo. Really, hand to God, we were just friends.
Friend Or Lover?
I’ve always been able to separate the people that I want to have The Dirty, Hot Sex with and the people who I am to be friends with, and to me, there’s a golden window of opportunity, a Critical Period, if you will (and you will because I am a dirty slut who can be very, VERY persuasive), in which someone could go either way—friend OR lover. But never both. Once that window slammed shut (now that I am an old married hag, of course, it’s not only shut, but nailed and caulked and boarded up), it stayed that way.
Being Mature Sucks Balls
The Metal Heads, the same guys that I met when I was a gawky fourteen year old with dyed red hair and an obsession with bangle bracelets well, three of them stood up for me when I got married and I’d imagine that I’ll probably participate in their weddings too. If in no other manner than getting shockingly drunk and making a spectacular ass of myself, because that’s what you do when you’re celebrating with people who’ve known you since way back when. Because fifteen years later we ARE still friends, probably because we never screwed around or dated. Having had no dating baggage, we’ve managed to stay together where we wouldn’t have otherwise, because, let’s face it, who really stays friends after a break-up? I sure as hell haven’t. I maintain civility with the one I share a kid with because I have to. Fucking being mature and shit SUCKS.
It’s a hotly debated subject–if men and women can really be friends–and there is obviously no one-size-fits-all answer. I suppose my own answer would be sometimes which is, I know, is about as clear as mud. I don’t have any problems with The Daver having female friends, supposing, of course, the female in question doesn’t want to suck his dick in the bathroom (or, really, any room), nor do I have problems with Dave having male friends providing THEY don’t want to suck his dick in the bathroom. I think that’s where the line is hazily drawn in the sand for me, providing there aren’t any really sexual or romantic notions involved, I don’t see why men and women can’t be friends.
Providing, of course, there’s no oral action. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
What do you think, o wise Toy-With-Me-ers? Is it possible for men and women to be friends?
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
My best friend on the planet (beside my husband, of course) is a guy. We’ve been best friends since … 1992. He’ stood by my side through all of my teen angst years and all of my relationship drama and family drama. He let me adopt his family when mine didn’t quite work for me. He hugged me until I quit crying when his douch bag step-brother revealed his true jerky nature even while he desperately wanted to say “told ya so”. We pranked our high school spandex clad history teacher together and even through that year when we stupidly thought it would rock to have EVERY. single. damn. class. together… we were friends. He’s my brother in every way that matters. If you can pick your family… he’d always be part of mine. Never been anything else to me. Though, you’d never convince my dad or my husband of that.
I held his hand through his grandpa’s funeral. I cried with him on the phone and tried to scramble enough funds to hold his hand again when his (our) dad died. I failed him miserably there though… I couldn’t get the funds together and I had to hope he knew my thoughts were with him during those final weeks.
In short, yes. Men and women can be friends, in my opinion. It just helps a lot if there’s never been any attraction between them.
It depends upon the men and women. They can be friends, but not every woman or man has the capacity to be friends with the opposite sex.
My group of friends in high school was a mix of boys and girls, and most of us dated group members of the opposite sex at one point or another. And we’re all still friends. None of that messy breakup crap for us. We were inbred, without sharing chromosomes. My mom had a similar situation to yours in high school – she had a group of guy friends, none of whom she dated, who totally had her back. And she had theirs.
Point being that if the penises and vaginas can get over themselves and not look at everyone as a potential sperm target/donor, men and women can totally be friends.
I’m so mixed on this topic. I have had both friends that I wanted to be more, and ones that wanted to be more with me and I wanted none of it. I suppose I’ve also had completely platonic ones as well.
My problem comes from the fact that I was best friends with a guy for seven years before we decided to give it a go as a couple. I suppose there were always some feelings hidden somewhere, but I never really thought about him that way until years down the line.
In the end we gave it a go, and it ultimately didn’t work out. We were so afraid of losing our friendship that we wanted to take it slow and not sleep together. Eventually, we decided that this whole mess was just too confusing and we went back to being friends.
Then we slept together. And really really liked it. Now we live in different cities and it is a huge ginaormous mess and I’m still in love with him. I know he has feelings for me too, but I really don’t know where to go from here,.
Wow i think i needed to get that out! Thanks!
Aunt Becky, I like your response to this phenomenon. I’m trying to think of atleast ONE guy friend that has been a”best friend” and I can’t think of one. That is sad. I don’t even remain friends with my ex’s even if the break up was drama-free.
On the other hand, my boyfriend has MANY friends who are females. How do I feel about thi? I’m quite jealous to be honest. He and I are what you call natural flirts, and we may or may not send the wrong messages with our type of personality. The good thing is that he tells me about his girl FRIENDS and they know about me. He is also friends with many of his ex’s, I could NEVER do that. But my boyfriend strongly believes in not holding grudges at all.
Now I feel like I am missing out on something wonderful by not having a male friend who is as close to me as my best girl friend.
Having no decent role model growing up, my relationships with straight men have always been a disaster. But I do love me my gay boys. Great article.
We can be friends so long as it’s made clear that the relationship is, and forever will be, platonic.
carissajaded – I think your situation is a perfect example of how confusing things can get when you decide to be more than friends. No matter the outcome, hopefully you still remain friends in the end. Good luck
Violet – Who cares the sex, as long as you have awesome friends I think that’s all that matters. Perhaps you should let your bf know how you feel about his flirting, maybe he will tone it down a bit in consideration for your feelings.
I agree with injaynesworld, gay is the way to go for a male platonic friend. They know style, fashion, give great advice and best of all you can flirt til your hearts content and nothing is going to come from it, your friendship will not be jeopardized by taking it one step further.
Gay men are the cheese to my macaroni. I miss being a fag hag. That’s something I don’t have out here in the suburbs: gay male friends.
And I should add, to clarify matters, once and only once, I had the same thing happen to me that happen to you, Carissa. Lost a good friend over the same situation and I haven’t spoken to him in years. I doubt I ever will.
The waters were muddied and cant be un-muddied and it was all my fault.
I also lost a very best guy friend when we tried to be more than friends and things sizzled but then sort of exploded in a huge emotional disaster that was totally not my fault. OK it was at least half my fault. We still don’t speak. And I still miss him–but as a friend, not a boyfriend. (Nevermind the ridiculously sexy sex dreams I sometimes still have about him.)
That said, I definitely think it’s possible to have friends of the opposite sex. But now that I’m married, I know I’ll never have another really close guy friend. I have best girl friends I can confide in about almost everything. I have dude friends I can have lunch or grab a beer with. But the stuff we talk about is totally different, and I think that’s a good thing. For me and for my marriage.
I’m about as insecure as they come. Therefore, if my husband picks any female friends to hang out with, I would be highly suspicious. Not because he’s acting questionable, but because I have the confidence of a (something with zero confidence).
Since I’m aware of my own issues, I hang low and accept the fact that my husband is trustworthy and amazing all while praying that any woman who makes a move on him will gain 200 pounds in the span of a month.
I’ve had a similar experience to Brooke’s.
However, for the most part, I have been able to stay friends with exes and have male friends in general without it getting weird.
I was a military brat. moving around a lot sucks. That said, I am still friends with my first boyfriend ever (he was a junior, I was a freshman) he’s married for the second time, I’m married for 15 years now. My hubby was actually ok with me talking to him still, but got a little jelous when ex admitted he still thought of what ifs and us. No worries, we’re in different states and we’re both happy (me, I’m totally still in love with the hubs..he rocks). Second guyfriend…never dated, but from same base. Known for 20 years, he’s convinced I need a good time BY HIM, I think he’s all talk. but Hubby has tons of friends that are female. Trust is something we have a lot of, so I know he wouldn’t stray either.
Being mature does suck balls…mmmmm…balls…
Men and women can be friends. I have always had a bunch of female friends. I won’t lie and say that there wasn’t an attraction to some, but certainly not to all.
I was never a girly-girl growing up, and mostly hung out with my older brother and his friends. They were ALL my older brothers. Even now I tend to feel more comfortable sitting with the guys than with the women.
One of my best friends is a male co-worker. We met about 7 years ago, have moved through the ranks together and joke about being “work spouses”. Even if I was single, I couldn’t imagine ever being more than friends. We go for coffee, lunch, out with our spouses. The four of us even went to Vegas recently.
Hubs’ best friend is female. They’ve been friends for close to 20 years. I’ve never felt threatened by her, and she was one of my bridesmaids. They go to hockey games together. Before hubs & I started dating she was there to listen to him talk about me.
Simply, yes, men & women can be friends, close friends, best friends.
Debbie – I was also considered somewhat of a tom boy growing up. I had a brother who was four years older and I loved playing road hockey with him and his friends. Some of them were “hot” – bonus for me. Being the goalie for slapshot practice – not so good.
Anyway, I like you, tend to feel more comfortable around guys. I am more likely to be found hanging with Mr_Puck and his friends on a Friday night, then the girls. There’s no bullshit, drama or gossip – just straight up – tell it like it is and be yourself.
So I am in the opinion that guys and girls can be friends.
One of my best friends in high school was a guy. Nothing ever happened, though several people asked about us. His girlfriend was absolutely horrible about it. We just hung out around her.
I spent the entire first semester of my college career sitting in my room chatting with him about how terrible his life was since they broke up. And even though we don’t talk much anymore, I know I can call him up anytime and have him be there.
As for my husband, he’s a male nurse. I have to trust him around women. As long as they don’t make any inappropriate remarks (one once told him I didn’t make him happy and she was good with her hands), I’m ok with it.
My soon-to-be ex husband thinks he can be friends with exes… is that why he is now currently dating one of his frickin’ exes? Blows my mind. Ass.
Sometimes. Vague, but true. Unless the guy is truly hideous, I always wonder what his dick looks like….then of course I’m wondering what it’s like to bone him……actually, I don’t think I can. No. Be friends with a guy that is.
Oh thanks for re-subscribing Aunt Becky!
Possible? Yes, but only on the female’s side.
It has been my experience that men and women can be friends, but the man will always want to cross the line at some point.
For example, I met my husband when I was 19. At 25 we married. During those dating years there were several of his friends (who were **my** friends as well) who had 1 too many drinks one night and tried (unsuccessfully) to try and hook up with me.
Some of those guys are still around, some are not. I chose not to bring this up to future husband extrordinaire, as I just blew it off as they were drunk.
But the more I think about it, perhaps the alcohol just gave them more courage. Willing to lose a friend in order to get a piece of ass from his girlfriend…guys are shameless!
It is ABSOLUTELY possible for men and women to be friends. I have quite a few male friends.
Most of my really close guy friends are dudes that I dated or at least went on a few dates with, probably made out with, and some I even slept with…before we realized that we were being silly and that we were better off buddies.
My best girlfriend and I have a theory that you can’t have a friendship with a straight guy until you’ve kissed him and gotten it out of the way. Otherwise one of you will ALWAYS wonder what it would be like to kiss the other one. Or maybe we’re just raging sluts. Either way it seems to work for us.
I see no one has answered the real question here; what is a tea cozy?
A tea cozy is like leg warmers for your tea pot. You put the tea cozy over your pot to keep the tea warm while you drink the first cup.
I say yes. My best friend from 3rd grade thru high school and many years after was a guy.
I have guy friends from high school that I am still friends with. However I have slept with EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.THEM – before we moved on of course.
And I still consider them my friends, because in all cases the sex was alcohol induced and we were just having a great time. And in all cases we woke up, looked at each other and laughed. I used to drink a LOT, and so did they. And now we have other things we can rip on each other for. Examples are kind of weird though. One was not so pleased when he was ripping on me for snoring by telling him that I couldnt tell if it was in. But he got over it lol.
I tend to be friends with ex-boyfriends though too, they never want me out of their lives
– However, THEY dont tend to last once they have new girlfriends. The friends that were really only friends first, I am assuming that they never tell their girlfriends that we did it. As I have never told any of my ex’s that I have done it with my guy friends.
Yes, it is possible, in my experience, as long as you never give them a reason to think they can get any action. Almost all of my friends were and still are guys, straight and gay, single and married, but that’s probably because I think more like a guy (dirty and immature).
Chicks are way too complicated 90 percent of the time, so I’ve always made it work with the dudes.
As for exes, I’m friends with all but one of mine.
I’ve been best friend with a man since we were about 5. I thought we’d never let our hormones get the better of us, until I was cleaning out my old dresser and found, under that scented paper stuff (and does that even work?), where I’d clearly hidden it some long ago time, a note between us.
There were the words ‘will you go out with me?’
And tick boxes.
Yes, tick boxes.
Memories excavated by this note, I vaguely recall that question never being answered because his mum took him home. We’re both 30 now, and, well, put it this way – he recently developed an interest in a woman who had the same nickname as I did, and it was immediately decided that her nickname would have to change. Conversation went something like Me: you yell my nickname in bed with her, and I’ll never speak to you again. Him: You kidding? I do that, and my boner will die. That’s too much like incest, man!
And in my experience, women who freak out over a female best friend are, well, they’re often the kind of women who’ve probably never been friends with a man themselves, and the only female friends are the ones they’ve decided could never be competition.
I think, in theory, yes. However, feelings have a funny way of appearing, out of nowhere.
I suppose I should mention, my best friend (male) from high school and I have been married for over 5 years. After 4 years of being strictly platonic, talking for hours about our relationships and spending all our free time together, something just appeared. I was with someone else but knew that it didn’t feel right. (Yada, yada, yada, we’ve been together for nearly a decade, and I think our relationship is still strong, because of the friendship it was based on.)
Quite frankly, I like most men better than I like most women. It took an awfully long time to figure it out – though.
I married my best friend. We were best of friends before either of us realized that we were meant to be (if that is even a real concept).
Hey, this made me think, and all that. I have had a variety of male friends through the years but I haven’t keep them for the long term. Why? Am I a sucky friend? Do I put up less with the ups and downs in a friendshsip like I will with a girlfriend? Why? Hey, this adult shit is wierd.
yes, it is possible.
however, statistically speaking it is an unstable condition that is likely to change.
it sounds really sappy and shit but my wife is my best friend… she is ALWAYS there and willing to put her stuff on hold to back me up no matter what.
loyalty is big with me.
Now that I’m married I have a whole different vision of male/female friendship than I did when I was younger and single and thought every guy friend really did just want my friendship and did not want to bump uglies. I had tons of male friends back then, until I realized that several of them, in fact, did want to get into my proverbial pants, and thus our friendships ended when they discovered they had no chance. Now all of my guy friends are half of a married couple. But I don’t miss the other guy friends and all of the inuendo. Getting old sometimes is all it’s cracked up to be.
mos def…i agree with ur guidelines totally!
I think it’s a lot harder to be ‘just friends’ when you’re a teenager, because…well. hormones. maybe it’s easier for grown ups?
oh, and being british, i can confirm that a tea cosy is something that you put on a teapot to keep the tea hot. my nan makes them, with those awesome bobbles on top
I have also always been a tomboy, having grown up with two older brothers. I had a male best friend as a kid, another very close male childhood friend and another one during my last years of high school. We are all still good friends. Over the years, I’ve slept with all three of them. I love them dearly and would do anything for them, especially for my two oldest friends. It never felt weird afterwards and sharing the “secret” (usually at least one of us was in a relationship at the time) made us grow closer together. I’ve been having an affair with one of them for more than 2 years now. I just hope that we will still be close friends when it is over. Actually, I think I prefer having sex with men I can totally trust, even if I’m not “in love” them.
Hmm… well I have never cheated on anyone i was with and always had female friends. In those times between relationships I was hormonally charged and resisted putting that wedge in any of the friendships. Now the But. But I would have friendship fucked a couple of them if they had approached me. strictly to help out and for no other reasons. Those few would be because the relationship could handle it at face value, helping out.