Not too long ago, an acquaintance expressed her sadness that summertime seems to bring out all the catcalling assholes of the world. Catcalling is almost never welcomed and I felt her pain, but also maybe thought she was overreacting a little bit because if you can believe it or not, I have never had this happen to me.
I know, I know.
“But Crissy! A goddess like yourself has never been catcalled? PREPOSTEROUS!”
Perhaps. But it’s completely true!
I mean sure, dudes driving by will honk at me when I’m out getting the mail or sometimes when I’m driving, a guy will pull up next to me and say something, but I largely ignore it because it’s just assholes being assholes and what the fuck are you gonna do? You can’t stop them and if you try, it will probably make things worse.
And besides, at least somebody thinks you’re sexy, right?
Well? Not so much because apparently, catcalling can be pretty serious and very scary and it’s not something I’ve ever experienced to the extent that some other women I know have.
A friend of mine told me that she’s been circled by men saying sexually aggressive and threatening things to her and–even more surprisingly–that it’s very common where she’s originally from. I’m sort of shocked to learn that society has not evolved to the extent that I think it has. This makes me sad. It also makes me wonder if I’ve really been wandering around with my head that far up my ass all this time or what.
So first I talked about it with my husband. He admitted that even for him, evolved(ish) male as he is, it’s hard not to shout out at an attractive lady when he sees one. He TOTALLY gets the urge, but he controls himself because he knows that shit’s not cool, man. But if he could, he’d be hollering all the time because he means it as a compliment and he doesn’t see much difference between doing that and when he drives by someone working on their lawn or painting their fence and shouts “lookin’ good!” at them. Something he actually does do.
But there is a difference because when you’re a woman and you’re walking down the street all by your lonesome and someone (likely a man) decides to verbally harass you, you suddenly feel naked and you’re acutely aware of how defenseless you are if they decide to take it a step further.
The person working on their lawn or fence just gets an ego stroke.
The only thing like that that’s ever happened to me is when I was a senior in college. I had just gotten out of my car for an 11:30am class on a cold day in February/March-ish. I was wearing my favorite pair of clicky-heeled Mary Jane flats with tights, a mid-thigh plaid wool skirt, and a Barbie pink parka. I was eating an apple and hauling my 30 lb messenger bag across my chest and sort of behind me so the bag was just over my bum. There were some other students in the parking lot ahead of me, and I could feel someone walking very closely behind me. Just as the students rounded a corner and were out of sight, the person behind me began to walk more quickly and before I knew it, there was a tug at my messenger bag and then HOLY HELL THERE WAS A HAND ON MY BUM! I was being assaulted!
The entire time he was behind me, I felt uncomfortable, so I had been fidgeting with the pepper spray I had in my pocket that my mother had insisted I needed (THANKS MOM!). Even though I felt like something wasn’t right and had been almost tackled to the ground, it still took a while to realize that I actually needed to use that pepper spray.
There was some verbal exchange, which is kind of fuzzy to me now about 14 years later, but the gist of it was that he was planning to rape me (he had already felt my bum and chesticals, albeit through my Barbie pink parka). Then he tried! I finally realized that I was in trouble and broke out the mace, attempted to spray him in the face (but instead got mostly blocked by his arm), turned and ran to the security office (which was mercifully just around the corner).
Still holding the apple I was eating on my way to class, I busted into the security office and sputtered something about being attacked. They phoned the police and the stupid fuck was found peeking behind the curtains of a house he had just broken into.
I spent the rest of the day making statements and hanging out with the po-po and listening to a little girl who had been abandoned on the street by her mother cry for the very cunt that had been so cruel to her.
It was traumatic, to say the least, but at least I wasn’t seriously hurt. (BTW, the kid who grab-assed ended up being under 18, and not surprisingly already had a pretty long rap sheet.)
In my situation I was physically assaulted. Luckily for me my assailant was dumb and decided to do it in broad daylight on a fairly busy college campus just around the corner from a security office. I’ve never been verbally assaulted, at least not beyond the “usual stuff”–transient comments of a crude and (generally) flatteringly objectifying nature. Don’t get me wrong: those are unacceptable too, but IMO not in the same league as what I’ve learned some people experience, which is far more intimidating, degrading, and threatening.
So talk to me Toy with Mes. Without dredging up too many horribly painful memories, what’s your take on catcalling? Has it happened to you? How do you deal with it?
And for the boy Toy with Mes, do you get the urge to catcall? Have you ever (shame on you naughty boy) done it? Conversely, have you ever been, I don’t know what you’d even call it if you’re a boy, cockcalled? How did that make you feel?
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
I don't get catcalling at all. I think that you have to be a total knuckle dragging fucktard to yell out a woman on the street and can totally see how it would make you feel uncomfortable.
Once when I was 18, I was catcalled by a throng of teenage girls at a mall.I'm pretty sure that they were wasted. My reaction? I believe I sported a chubby.
Sorry to hear you were attacked.
Do most guys take it too far with the catcalls? Absolutely.
However, it would be nice to live in a world where someone could say "Wow, you look stunning!" and not worry that you were committing a crime.
yes, that's exactly my issue too.
i like to compliment people.
when someone obviously puts energy/effort into something, ANYTHING, and it shows, i want to pass on the good vibes.
your body and your appearance, though genetically predisposed, still can be drastically altered by attire, diet, fitness/exercise, even attitude. some folks put a LOT of work into it… and it shows! why can't we feel free to express ourselves in appreciation??
fucking rapists, that's why. messing shit up for everyone else.
It would also be nice to live in a world where I could say "Hey, great tits!". But that might be taking it a little too far…
Ken, it all depends on the way you express your appreciation for somebody's appearance. And, don't take this the wrong way but usually they're not doing it for some random stranger's approval. So somebody's physically fit and confident, and felt like wearing a minidress that day…don't assume it's your responsibility to say something to them.
nova,
playing devil's advocate for a moment…
is it my responsibility to be sure to say NOTHING to them? is that a society?
i also wonder if you're not wearing clothes to impress others, why are you wearing them? (other than protection and warmth, which something like a minidress does not provide much of.)
on the contrary, fashion, by my definition, is about making a statement through your attire. i am not allowed to respond?
keep in mind i am arguing on theoretical grounds: i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, and so refrain from giving anyone i don't know personally any compliments on their appearance.
I mean, sure, some people might be desperate for attention. But uh…yeah sometimes people just want to be able to walk home after a long day of work in peace, without any sexual harassment. Also, just my point of view. Don't mean to call every cat-caller a pervert or assume you have malicious intent.
Ken,
I think there is a difference between telling someone they look nice and catcalling. I would feel differently about a man coming up to me and telling me "You are very attractive" and one (or a group of them) yelling at me from whatever vantage point they have "Come over here baby, you have a great ass. I'd like to get me some of that!" One boost your ego, the other feels invasive and fairly threatening. It's all about the presentation.
It's definitely a threat. I hope that a bazillion men out there read this and realize how completely terrifying it can be. It's not a complement. Then again I had a kind of similar experience as you in that I was 'kind of' attacked on the street once and escaped any real danger by fighting back.
The only okay catcall I ever recieved was recently. I was just wearing jeans and a tshirt or something normal, and a truckload of teenage boys drove past. One of them shouted "I think you are very hot!" and I guess it was okay for me because a) they were so young and b) it sounded kind of formal in a weird way.
Usually catcalls are just confusing. Like…okay are you gonna rape me? Are you expecting me to be flattered? Why are you, a stranger, talking to me at all?
So, in conclusion, um…don't do it.
Awww. I wouldn't have minded that either. It was sweet in a horny teenage boy kind of way.
is the threat all because of sexual dimorphism?
ie, males can (generally) physically overpower females?
why CAN'T a stranger say, "my lord, you're gorgeous?"
I get worried that a girl will catch me looking at her cleavage, never mind actually SAYING something.
yes, it IS all because of sexual dimorphism at the end of the day. that, and the fact that lots of dudes report that IF they could get away with it, they would force women to have sex with them (and these were college kids being surveyed.) men rape, so there is always that threat lurking behind the catcall. also, it's almost impossible to make a real distinction between a catcall and a compliment when you feel vulnerable and you don't know the asshole who's yelling something at you. maybe it's just the fact that it's yelling, i don't know, but generally it seems more an assertion of male dominance than a genuine demonstration of respect for a woman's attractiveness.
i think men CAN say, politely and respectfully, "my lord, you're gorgeous." I've had that happen and it just felt kind of nice. so, there is a real difference sometimes, but so much of being able to discern that difference depends on the way the message is delivered and general context. being hollered at from a car is never going to feel respectful, at least not to me.
but thanks, crissy, for bringing up the topic. being harassed by roving dudes has actually caused me a lot of stress and fear and anger over the years. it's good to talk about it.
I tend to agree here. Anything yelled at me from a car seems rather pointless.
Thanks for your comments Shel.
Agreed, Shel. All of it. Well said, lady.
Your story is super scary! I have never been attacked, but I have felt very threatened due to cat-calling, and might-be-stalkers. It almost ALWAYS happens when I'm out running, Like, I'm not out here with sweat in my eyes and quads turning to rubber for your pleasure, assholes. Once, two teenage boys hollered at me, "Yo, bitch- you want my dick in your mouth?" WTF!!!!!!!!!! Who is raising these potential rapists?
Totally disrespectful and the type of situation that makes women resent cat-calling of any kind. Sounds like kids testing the boundaries of society.
That's so horrible! It would make me stay home, so good for you for going out anyway. I hope you have your pepper spray.
I used to work nights and so I'd get the 'pleasure' of walking home at five in the morning. I would get propositioned for going to do drugs more than I'd get catcalled, though some assholes in a truck decided to follow me up the wrong side of the street until a cab came over the hill and nearly hit them.
During the day I HAVE been honked at by cars driving by and when I've been with my friends we as a whole have been catcalled, but I've never had that happen to me when I've been alone. I have never found it flattering however. Rather I find it insulting and disgusting. If someone came up to me (if I was by myself, that is) and tried to compliment me, I'd have the pepper spray out so fast they wouldn't know what hit them. The only place I find such behavior partially acceptable is if I am with a group of other people and/or in a club or bar. On the street it's just threatening, especially if you're alone.
I don't usually mind the, 'hey you're hot!' comments, as you say Crissy, I ignore them. On the other hand, I have been said some really sexually offensive stuff, well at least to me, it was. Lets just say I never wore those jeans ever ever ever again! The thing that bothers me about the catcalling, at least in the area where I live, men have this need to catcall you and if you ignore them they keep getting even more awful, and crude just to get your attention. And to be honest, when I'm alone it scares me, but I must say, that someone saying your 'gorgeous, hot, nice eyes etc etc its not threatening to me, it all depends on the guy and that he's not giving you this evil grin or something like that . So I say, verbalize your compliments, just don't cross that line. It all depends on the intention of they guy, if its meant to be a compliment, or if he means to get your attention in any way he cans.
It's definitely not something that I do because it just seems crude, but it would be nice if I could walk by and say something like "Wow, nice legs!" and not be considered an asshole just because I was trying to be nice. I know enough women to know that most women are ok with compliments, but I can see how "Hey, baby!" yelled out of a passing car would be responded to with the middle finger.
"Wow, nice legs" is an extremely sexually charged thing to say in our society, and in my opinion would always be at least mildly threatening or an assertion of dominance, because it suggests (even though maybe you don't intend it to) that you would like to have sex with her, and aren't afraid to say it out loud. Which is one step too far over the appropriateness line, in my opinion. "Nice eyes" or "cool bracelet" or "you have pretty hair" (haha) or something like that is much nicer and less scary to hear.
I'm okay with catcalling, but I don't really get off on it because I think it's not worth catshit in a bag. Then again, it's been awhile since I've strutted around looking like hot shit, so maybe that's it.
Also, SCARY SHIT, MAN. SCARY SHIT!
EVERYTHING in society nowadays is sexually charged, and yes, I would likely be willing to have sex with someone if I was willing to say that. It does not make me a rapist or a threat. The problem is that people, men and women, often literally work their asses off to be sexy, buy clothing and perfume/cologne and jewelry to be sexy, go to sexy/chic places to be sexy, and style their hair to be sexy, but when there's any kind of unwanted advance, suddenly the man (or woman, although I doubt any men would complain) is a potential predator. "Please check me out; no, it's not ok to say anything or hit on me."
See, that's the problem. I'm even a nice guy, and I can't win.
Ok, time out here. I had to re-read this when after checking out some comments and having my motives called into question or miscontrued, I realized this had started out as a question about (primarily) men catcalling women, which is an innocent and essentially harmless thing to do (regardless of whether or not it's annoying), and turned into an "I was attacked/almost got raped" thing.
We are definitely talking about two different issues here.
certainly crossing the line from verbal to physical is a big step
Although I can see how differences might be drawn between these two things, to many (primarily women) there is very little difference. The reason being? Both things involve the masculine tendency to objectify women. I by no means want to indicate that all men objectify women, because that is simply untrue. In a society, however, where a woman simply cannot know the difference between the men who do and do not do this, there is no difference. There are no signs or guides to let potential victims know, and so EVERY situation in which someone makes an unsought advance must be viewed as potentially dangerous as a matter of protecting oneself. It can be a very terrifying way to live, always wondering who might be a danger… If that makes any sense?
On the other hand, a straight up compliment offered while displaying appropriate body language (allowing personal space, not yelling, not leering, etc.) can be an amazing ego boost. A sincere compliment is quite different from catcalling.
I've been catcalled SO many times! But the worst of it was when I lived in France. I've been treated to a display of masturbation on the metro, my ass grabbed on the metro, shouted at, followed by a gang of frenchmen, and even had things thrown at me when I turned them down. It's crazy.
It's such a presumtion, catcalling. Who the hell are you to treat me like chattle? Huh?
I go on walks a lot and feel weird if I DON'T get honked at or catcalled at least once along the way. Like, "Have I lost my mojo?!" This happens in sweats just as often as shorts and a tank top.
I came close to getting physically accosted during a cat calling situation in a bar once, but I turned around, yelled and straight-arm smacked the guy in the head before he could quite touch me.
uh, yeah – that is too far. Nice tits is objectifying. You might think that it is a complement – after all, you think her tits are nice. Think about it, though, why are they nice? Because it turns you on. What message are you sending? That all she is to you is a pair of tits. A sexual object. In a world where women are told, from the time they are little until they are post-menopausal, told in word and deed, that their self-worth is totally dependent on their looks and their physical attributes, and nothing of their personality – a catcall is yet another reminder of this.
I don't catcall, but I do enjoy being obnoxious and yelling stuff at people, usually out of cars and off of balconies. I don't discriminate on the basis of gender. I find that the more outlandish I am, the less of a threat is perceived. Since I want to be a highlight of someone's drunken night rather than a reason a woman decides to start carrying pepper spray, I go pretty far in that direction. People take you as a lot less of a threat when you're yelling out of a bullhorn about how their dad has a small penis than when you're generically hooting at a girl in a short skirt.
The closest I've ever come to actually catcalling was pulling up next to two girls heading out for the evening and (imitating Borat) saying, "Very nice. How much?" I ended up giving them a ride. Good times!
Seriously though, I've been along with way too many women who were freaked out when guys yelled shit them to ever actually do it.
I was at a bar once (waaaay before kids) and some guy thought it was time to dance with me, and he put himself up against me and he …….yes, he had a ……an erection………Yikes.
That's happened to me more times than I'd like to remember. EWWWWW!!!!
Last spring, I was visiting an old friend in Guanajuato, Mexico, a beautiful college town. Some young guys in a car pulled up alongside me as I was walking, and started saying stupid shit, but mainly, "fuck…..fuck…..fuck….fuck", probably one of few English words with which they were acquainted. Now, I was already 50 years old, and one might imagine that it would be flattering that they would choose me to harass, but it was really just infuriating and annoying, I did a poor job of suggesting they cease and desist, and just looked sort of foolish. I think they stopped when a Mexican woman came along and gave them what fer. She said to me, "Por favor, disculpale", forgive them.
Jackasses.
at the risk of providing yet another sidebar, i've got to comment on "objectification" in general.
it never fails to amaze me how much people RAIL AGAINST and are INFURIATED BY the idea that they're objects!
last time i looked the human body IS an object. sometimes sexual, even! hell, this is a sex toy website: you take THIS object and you stick it in or rub it on THAT object, and it makes you feel good.
whether we like it or not, death will provide the ultimate objectification the moment we shuffle off this mortal coil. i will be conquered by my body. (you too.)
so we humans exist in a unique schism, a duality, finding ourselves posited squarely between the perfect and divine, and the flawed and base. we have the minds of gods and the bodies of beasts.
to be sure, this is a difficult place to be, but what choice do we have? can you REALLY shrug off your object-ness? and if you could, would you?
for me this object-ness IS half of humanity, and those who have lost it are dallying with psychosis.
in the meantime, while othesr ponder these weighty subjects, give me my butt plug, my we vibe, my silicone lube, my porn, and my lovely wife with great tits so we can all be objects for a while before we sleep. it won't be long now…
Jesus, dude. Have you written a few English papers in your lifetime? Just a couple?
don't forget, we met in milton class.
No I don't catcall nor do I ever feel the need to. I guess I feel it's offensive. Before you told your story (which in no way is equal to mine) I did remember being in high school and some girl grabbed my ass walking through the hall and I did sort of feel violated. Same feeling on doing the cat call.
Although I don't mind women driving back and forth in front of my place when I'm mowing the lawn without my shirt on.
Where do you live? I'll add you to my route.
chrissy, so sorry about your attack. i'm sure you'll never forget it and assault or even the threat of assault is just fucked up. i have no tolerance for that whatsoever.
however, some innocent catcalling is flattering. i do work hard at trying to look good (though i'll never be goddess like you) and if i walk by and someone is compelled to say "hey gorgeous" or yell "yeah baby" from a vehicle i'm certainly not insulted. i'm not turned on either. i prefer subtle. but on more than one occasion a catcall has made me smile and/or lifted my spirits just ever so slightly. it's no different than saying "awesome shoes." it's recognition of my good taste and appearance.
of course, no touching, following, threatening, ridiculously foul language, obscene gestures or ganging up on someone allowed. that's not catcalling. as long as it's said, yelled, whistled, etc. and remains an innocent attempt at a compliment, i say thank you. you made my day.
I guess I'd be sad if NOBODY ever catcalled me. I'd wonder if there was something wrong with me.
Catcalling can be a compliment OR some idiots take it to far. I was in college, walking to my car from the grocery store and a guy catcalled. I ignored him…he did it again…I continued to ignore him. Then he called me a "bitch." OK…THAT'S when I looked up and noticed he was in his work truck with the phone number on the side of it. REALLY???? You moron…if you are going to call someone a bitch cuz they don't acknowledge your catcall….for christsake DON'T do it with your phone number on the truck!!! YES…I called the company and got him in a whole lot of deep trouble. DUMBASS!!!!
The problem with catcalling (and other agressions towards women) is the victim blaming. Yes, you may not want to intentionally make a woman feel uncomfortable by saying something to her, but the fact of the matter is that if she is a stranger, you don’t know if
commenting on her appearance will be recieved as a compliment or offensive. And just because she looks a certain way or is dressed a certain way does not mean she is doing so to get attention from men; just like how a woman wearing a short skirt late at night is looking to be raped.
Oh, and thanks for writing about this, great piece!
I'm late to the party, but I have something to say damnit! Catcalling is merely "Hey baby, you look good" or "Hey hot stuff" or any other number of cheesy, dumbed down half assed lines of equal non-importance that are completely harmless. If these frighten you, I hate to sound rude or offensive, but there is an underlying issue. Anything that goes beyond those harmless types of mindless flattering phrases or the famous whistles, is not a catcall, it's a verbal assault. Obviously, Ken, nor from what I have read, any of the other guys who have posted in response to this, have any such act in mind when they suggest that catcalls shouldn't be looked at in such a dark light.
Also, as for the body being an object, please, a show of hands for the ones in the house who don't view the male body as a hot work of art. It is NOT okay to expect anything different from men looking at us. It's a preposterous notion.
Also, damn girl! So glad you were close to help! Pervy little prick.
right? People should study the campus map before planning an assault.
hi-five!!!!
Thanks Hayley! I was just saying the same thing to Ken this morning, not even ten minutes ago!
First, I never feel naked & vulnerable because I'm level 3 certified in krav maga. Every woman should know how to poke out eyes, rip out throats and shove a nose into a brain cavity.
Anywho, there are levels of catcalling. In Miami guys will yell FLACA! out their car window as they drive by and THANK YOU for thinking I'm skinny! Come back, I love you. Mostly in Miami the catcalling type stuff was fairly respectful because those Latino princes will get a beating from their Latino mothers if they aren't respectful.
In NYC the catcalling is vulgar and usually accompanied by stroking type hand motions. This sort of catcalling warrants a grab and twist of the nether regions.
My father's office is in Inwood, one block outside of the Bronx. I will never forget the time he said to a young woman "That is a very nice blouse! It compliments your skin tone and you look lovely." and the bitch hauled off and slapped my Daddy! WTF? I think that was a very nice and respectful compliment.
So really you have to take the catcall in context to determine whether or not it's disrespect or threatening. At this point it's been so long since anybody's looked at me that I'll take whatever I can get!
your dad should have pressed charges for battery.
I think it's a matter of class.
Any thug with a skin-full of alcohol can drool out something about a woman's tits. Girlfriend already knows the men appreciate her rack, she doesn't need to hear about it. It's like picking your nose – everybody does it, but that doesn't mean we like it when the person opposite us on the train is mining the green gold.
But a classy compliment? Oh, be still my heart. It doesn't have to be stylish or practiced. I love the shy 'you have really nice eyes,' or the slightly awkward 'I like how you've done your hair' (especially when it's from a guy who clearly gets his cut by the barber he's been going to since he was 12).
The guy could be wearing a wife-beater, thongs and stubbies, but if his compliment is sincere, and shows that he's noticed me, not that he's just automatically responded to some female wandering into his line of sight, he's as classy as George Clooney, David Craig and Cary Grant at their tuxedo-wearing best.
GAH! DANIEL Craig. Not David!
Super creepy! The chances of pulling off a cute, flirty catcall are slim to none. And chances are catcalling guys are NOT looking for cute or flirty. I haven’t had many experiences with catcallers being a non-city gal, but one experience makes me cross the street if I ever hear one. I was wandering in Providence after a night of dancing with a group of my then 20 yr. old friends, looking for our parked car. A dude in a big pickup passed, whistling. He circled around, calling out to a friend who, in a drunken stupor, smiled and answered back, looking up at the truck. He then threw a handful of junk into her face. All of us were scarred for life. Lesson learned.
i see a bit of confusion stemming from a definition of terms.
we have to agree on what constitutes catcalling… is it the wolf whistle, the "hey baby" as you walk by the construction site? is it yelling "suck my dick bitch" as you drive by?
if we don't have consistent nomenclature then we are going to have circuitous arguments.
All three are catcalls, in my book.
My definition is – if you're yelling it from a distance, and/or it could apply to anything vaguely female, it's a cat call.
If you're saying it directly to the woman, and it's specific to her, it's a compliment.
would you say that the catcall is designed to be overheard by people OTHER THAN the caller and the callee? ie, the catcall has an audience?
When I was 12 or 13, I had a car full of I'm guessing Mexicans ( I was in northern part of southern California) yell at me: "Hey, baby, want a ride?" Now, at 12/13 I was already 5'8" and wearing a C-cup bra. Most people thought I was old enough to vote. Not the most comfortable experience for a junior high kid!
I've actually never catcalled a girl (or anyone for that matter). And I've never been cockcalled either, haha. I have always thought that it was a douchey thing to do, and only jackasses would do it. I could only imagine how it would feel to be catcalled/harassed all alone on a street…if I were a girl that is. IF I were a girl, and if some random car pulled up harassing me, I would probably lead him on (only if he was alone) and when he got out of the car, give him a faceload of pepper spray and kick him in the balls. Then laugh and run like hell. Just my opinion…