Exactly Like That Scene In Pretty Woman. Only Totally Different.

Yeah, I'm hot.Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when Edward and Vivian are in the giant bathtub in Edward’s hotel room and there’s candles lit and it’s all like, romantic and stuff?

Of course you do. It’s a tale as old as time, really, where a hooker meets a rich dude and she is so virtuous and beautiful with excellent dental habits and so totally brilliant at blow jobs that he falls in love with her after they take a bath together and she laughs at his jokes and it’s exactly what I thought of when I walked into the room of a romantic inn in Vermont where my husband and I were celebrating our wedding anniversary.

The bathtub in the room was enormous, and the huge picture window behind it
overlooked a snowy field bordered by a snow covered forest.

Of course, this romanticness was all pre-children and pre-mortgage because
the chances of actually doing that sort of thing now? are like, forget it.

I think the trip cost us about eight million dollars.

Anyways, we had quite the evening planned for ourselves and did I mention I
was about four months pregnant with our first daughter at the time?

Well, I was and I was workin’ the glow and the little tummy and I was
feeling like the prettiest princess in all the land, or at least in Vermont
anyway.

I got myself dressed in a hot little black cocktail dress with all sorts of
beads and crap on it and I wore my fuck me shoes and put on a ton
of mascara and piled my hair high in a big mound of carefully constructed
party curls which I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed relentlessly because my
hair is a stupidbitchasshole and doesn’t hold a shape longer than a
millisecond and that really pisses me off.

Ahem.

Sorry.

I get all kerfuffled about my hair.

So, I’m all pretty for my husband and our romantic night and I’m feeling
awesome because my morning sickness had finally started going away. We had
the most wonderful gourmet dinner and just about everything was dripping in
butter and cheese and there’s pretty much nothing better than that,
especially to someone who has spent the past four months throwing up at the
thought of eating.

During dinner, I may or may not have ignored the whole pregnancy thing and
had my first glass of wine in months, so I had a little wine buzz (don’t
judge!The baby is fine now after the fourth round of surgery) and I was really looking forward to that bathtub and my plan to make pretend I was Vivian and my husband was Edward.

I was workin’ it, baby.

I was owning it.

As we left the restaurant it started to snow, and I totally suck at walking
sexy in the fuck me shoes never mind walking sexy in fuck me shoes in the
snow.

I sort of looked like a newborn giraffe trying to get to its feet, only the
giraffe is way more graceful and so my husband had to carry me back to our
room.

In the snow.

With twinkly white Christmas lights all around us.

Sigh.

You’re ready to barf right now, aren’t you?

Yeah.  Me too.  I hate the mushy shit.

JUST GET TO THE FUCKING PART, CRISSY!

So we get back to our room, and I got all nakey and put on the satiny little
bathrobe thing I brought with me. I started the bath, put some candles
around the tub, and lit them with the matches I found by the fireplace.

We got into the tub and I about flooded it my own self if you know what I
mean in anticipation of the Water Aerobics that were about to take
place. We were just starting with our hot and our heavy when I noticed that
the lights got a little brighter.

Then a lot brighter.  I chalked it up to a power surge and kept on
touching him on his naughty parts, when suddenly my husband, out of nowhere, began swearing, hitting me in the head and pushing it under the water!

I fought him and I struggled and had someone been looking through that
picture window at us, it probably looked like a scene from Jaws or something
more than Pretty Woman with all the splashing and struggling going on, and I
thought “Holy shit! This is it!  He doesn’t want the baby and now he’s going
to kill me! I’m too pretty to die! Help!”

OR

“He wants a blow job and he wants it rough.  Rrrrraaaawwwwrrrr!”

I clearly didn’t know what to make of this sudden turn of events
and when he finally stopped punching and pushing my head in the water, I was
all “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

And he was all “Your HEAD was on fire!  I had to PUT IT OUT!”

Oh.

So that’s why the room got so bright only seconds before he tried to kill me!

I must have gotten a little too close to a candle and the shit went up like, well, heavily sprayed hair in a candle.

And the smell of burning hair was just, like, oh my god you guys. It totally overpowered the scented candles and the sweet, peachy Victoria’s Secret bath stuff.

When we got out, my face was covered in running mascara and there were bits of my burned hair floating around in the tub.

Sexy.

Needless to say that my head catching on fire pretty much derailed the Sexy Time.

For the rest of the trip.

And when we got home, I had to call Shannon the Hairdresser immediately
because after the fire, I looked a little bit like Helena Bonham Carter
and not in a fun, Bohemian crazy lady way, but in a Bride of Frankenstein on
crystal meth kind of way.

And she inspected the ends of my hair and looked up at me in the mirror and
said “I hate to ask this but, were you on fire at some point?’

So then I told her this story.

And now she tells it to everyone.

And so will you because it happened to someone else and that makes it fucking funny.

The Queen Of Everything About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. Whoowee….you sure know how to make a gal spit out her coffee…..in a fit of laughter that is.

  2. SexEnthusiast says:

    Bahahahahahahahaha!!! That’s hilarious!!! Sorry to hear about your hair mishap, but thank you for sharing your story!

  3. Harrison Li says:

    lmfao this is halirious, and it's great how you write with move titles and stuff like that haha you're a great writer!

  4. Omg this was sooo funny! Love it!

  5. Oh god, I'm cracking up. Thank you for linking me to this post. It's great.

  6. That is so funny I am here at work and laughing so hard my co-worker thought something was wrong with me.

  7. This is my first foray into your blog… and this post…. well, I think I've fallen in love with you. Fucking hilarious.

  8. That was too frickin funny!!! Glad your ok!! I am definately a follower of this blog….

  9. Oh gosh, I needed a laugh today and I most certainly just got it.

  10. Hahaha… I’ve also had my share of burnt of hair, but that was from other people’s candles during Easter… ugh!

  11. Fucking lost it on that one. I read this shit at work damnit! The guys here are looking at me like I’m mental.

    Thanks for sharing. Adds a whole new dimension to being in the “Heat of Passion”

    There is a stereotypical redhead joke in here somewhere, but that would be too easy…. and childish… and easy…. nevermind

  12. Oh god! I’m in tears! I was trying to read this out loud to my husband and just kept breaking down in fits of laughter. The part about being too pretty to die…that took it over the edge. Love it.

  13. Love it!!

  14. C’mon baby light my fire!

  15. I’ve never ignited my hair, but a guy’s pants caught on fire while he was fucking me. Does that count?

    Stupid fireplace.

  16. Wait. So… the fire *didn’t* turn him on? I think I may have been doing this whole “sex” thing all wrong…..

  17. Awesomeness.

  18. You guys are awesome! It was well worth the trauma just to have a good story to tell to the Internets!

    Oh, and Rachel?

    Hahahahaha!

  19. I literally LOL’d on this one! Only Pimp would just push your head underwater without first telling you why! But thank goodness for his quick thinking!

  20. OMFG! I had tears running down my face laughing! My hubby likes it rough too….rarrrwwwrrr…lol…but he knows that I’d bite if off if he tried to drown me first!
    Thanks for a laugh out loud moment! Loved it!

  21. Totally awesome story, dude. Loves it!

  22. Might have been nice for your hubster to have said “Hon, you’re on fire” before he shoved you under the water. And knowing what I know about him the “he wants a bj and wants it rough” wouldn’t have been a bad guess but, ya know, give a girl a chance to get a deep breath first.

    I think maybe that glass of wine may explain why older daughter has her firemonster tendencies…!

  23. Rachel, ROFLMAO

  24. So romantic! I also have stupidbitchasshole hair and can relate to using shitloads of hairspray to hold it in place. Luckily, it has never gone up in flames. Yet.

  25. memories….like the corner of my mind….distant flaming memories….of the whore you were…
    ;-)

  26. I fucking love it. The QOFE never fails to dissapoint!

  27. Hilarious. Just hilarious. I am at work and actually laughed out loud, which made my co-workers come over and try to see what I was laughing about. And of course I had to make something up because everyone knows when you’re at work you’re not supposed to be reading other people’s blogs, you’re supposed to be doing work. However, even if I was to get scolded, which I didn’t, that story was well worth it.

  28. Monica Hamburg says:

    That was a very erotic story!

    Oh… wait, was that just me… ;)

  29. Eliot Bodem says:

    That was hilariously awesome. Thanks for sharing the story.

  30. What, no video? I’d pay to see the video. That could only happen to you, my friend.

  31. Lovely! I think you’ve referred to this moment before, but I’m so glad to finally get the whole story. Sadly, it almost sounds like something my dumb butt would do!! I vacuumed up my sister’s hair once (while still attached to her head of course) and that burning hair smell just lingered for days. I can see how it ruined Sexy Time. I’m just sorry you lost out on the whole trip :(

  32. RHz – Read more of Crissy’s erotic and hilarious tales as she posts here every Wednesday.

  33. f’ing hilarious….

  34. I love this story.

  35. i’m getting a massive chubby just listening to you reminisce about that glorious night… it brings to mind why i’ve ALWAYS carried a flame for you!

    ;)

  36. Too bad that was not the conception story for Girlfriend. That would be a tale to tell at her wedding. Then the therapy bill would force you to shop at Salvation Army and Savers would seem like Macy’s.

  37. No, that’s some hot stuff!! Good thing he noticed! I can see why you’re the Hottest mommy blogger!