I Took My Husband Vibrator Shopping

This is embarrasingIn hindsight, I never should have said, “Don’t worry, we’ll just pop in and out. It’s not like anyone will want to talk to us or anything.”

Foolishly, having learned absolutely nothing in our 6 years together, my husband, The Daver, believed me. For richer or poorer, in sickness or health, with leather studded cock ring or without, we were bound together. Forever. I grabbed his hand and dragged him inside the sex toy shop.

For my birthday, I needed a new vibrator to replace Big Pink, my trustworthy sidekick since Lesbian Valentine’s Day of 2003, and since we were out without the kids for the first time in months, tonight seemed like The Night (with ALL apologies to Rod Stewart).

My husband, The Daver, is the yin to my yang, fiercely private where I am willing to tell complete strangers about my choice of sex toys, and reserved where I am likely to streak naked through the streets singing Spice Girls songs at the top of my lungs. Not that I *ahem* would know anything about that *ahem.*

I think he may have even blushed the last time he bought condoms, while I discussed the merits of different types of lube with a friend. So getting him into a sex toy shop–a sex toy shop IN THE SUBURBS, I should add, where there were no transsexual midgets beating each other about the head with gigantic black fists–was a Big Deal, Indeed.

We walked into a sea of naughty nurses costumes, snickering like teenagers–because we are very mature–at the crotchless undies and pink faux fur-lined handcuffs. The last time we’d been in a sex toy shop was 5 years prior, and it was in a very gay section of the city, so most of the toys were geared towards men.

Heading back to the (very limited) selection of sex toys, we were accosted by a smoking hot blond chick, easily ten years our junior, who asked us very cheerfully if we needed any help.

I think this was the first time that Dave blushed heavily, as I replied that I knew what we were looking for and steered him along with me, lest he get tangled in a sea of realistically shaped penis lollipops, never to emerge again. Thankfully, I knew precisely what I wanted (years of sex toy Tupperware-esqe parties had taught me well) and grabbed it.

Clinging to me for dear life, Dave followed behind me, like a particularly adorable mole. Knowing that we did have to get back home, I turned from the wall of dildos, ready to make my (our) way back to the front so that I could purchase my simple, plain, boring toy. As I turned around, I noticed that the hot blond cashier had followed us over to the wall-o-toys and was now standing next to The Daver. Spying the simple, boring toy in my hand, she quickly launched into her spiel.

“Is that what you’re buying?!” She thundered in a voice that was probably heard 2 or 3 counties away.

“Yep,” I replied. “I finally broke my last vibrator.”

“Oh yeah?” She asked. “How long did you have it?”

Dave, still standing behind me began to radiate palpable waves of discomfort as he realized that oh yes, his worst nightmare had come true.

I screwed up my face and thought for a second, “Hm. What…7 years now?”

She took a step backwards, obviously in shock. “No WAY! Those things are supposed to last like A YEAR maximum!”

“Heh,” I responded, less lecherously than it sounds. “And trust me. IT GOT WELL USED.”

I took this moment to look at my poor husband, who had turned the exact same of burgundy as the carpet below our feet. He stayed rooted into place there, probably more out of shock than anything else, dying a little bit inside.

“Well,” she kept on, oblivious to The Daver’s plight. “You should try THESE toys” as she gestured to a line of specialty items whose price tags ran into the triple digits. “They’re GREEN because they’re rechargeable.” A consummate cheap-ass, I wasn’t about to exchange my $10 no-frills-attached toy for something ten times that. I would have told her as much had she stopped yammering for a second.

“First, you have this one for clitoral stimulation, and this one is designed for your g-spot,” she continued as The Daver considered ways to kill himself from where he was standing. Maybe asphyxiation by a rogue thong?

“THEN,” she turned to my husband, who had been largely ignored by her ruthless hotness and up-selling, “you have THIS as a rechargeable cock ring.” She grabbed the device and began manipulating it, stretching around in a circle, as she flicked the on button.

Dave quickly buried his head in the rack of soft core pornography to his left, pretending to be entranced by a copy of Hollywood Sex Fantasies. Leaving it to me to break the news to my sexy friend that no, no cock ring, not this time, sorry.

I can’t be sure if she was merely oblivious or deeply thrilled to be causing someone such overwhelming distress, because it didn’t seem to hold any malice whatsoever. But it seems unfathomable that she had no idea the discomfort she was causing my husband.

As we checked out, she simply kept blathering away, telling us happily about a HUGE SALE the following weekend. She even handed The Daver, who had removed himself from the movies and was standing unhappily next to me, shifting from one foot to the next, a pamphlet advertising “HALF OFF LINGERIE!!!”

He shoved it into his pocket furtively as I signed my name to the charge slip, and I bid my new friend farewell, promising to return to purchase some warming oil–or maybe some whimsical penis ice cubes!–some other year.

On our way out, my hand crushed by Daver’s white-knuckled grasp, I apologized to him. He whispered to me, more forcibly than the time that I tried to invest our life savings into Twinkies, “You SO owe me.” He paused briefly.

“For my birthday? I want a Porsche.”

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. damn i wish i had been with you. can you imagine the madness that would’ve ensued…

  2. It was as if is I was in the sex shop with you. You have a great way with words. Your poor husband :) He’s such a trooper!

    Have fun with your new toy ;)

  3. Poor Daver!! I suspect they see a lot of… reluctant spouses there! Still TFF!

  4. I fear the day my wife makes me enter a sex shop with her. She lives to make me feel awkward and out of place.

  5. Next time, take me with! I’m way more fun to go vibe-shopping with! I have little to no embarrassment. Except when I’m surfing the pornos at the local video store and there’s some old lecherous man scoping out the teenage anime rape-fantasy porn a few walls away.

    And even then, I’m only embarrassed because I don’t want lecherous old men knowing what kind of porn I like and jerking off to the idea of the big-breasted brunette they saw at the video store behind the nondescript blue velvet curtain watching said porn.

    Yay for run-on sentences!

  6. Great as always! At least it was a chick talking to him, some creepy guy salesman started talking to my hubby which quickly prompted a, “Let’s get the hell outa here” from him. I’m sure the hot young blonde chick would have gone over much better…

  7. My Dear Aunt Becky… I took my MOTHER into a sex toy shop with her HUSBAND (who is only 3 years older than me) and had to explain to them both what a butt plug was.

  8. Sounds like she’s into S&M and domination.

  9. That is an awesome story!!! Oh, how I wish my husband was as easily embarrassed as the Daver! How I would torture him making him walk up and down Bourbon street visiting every sex store we passed!! Hey? If the Daver ever acts up, you could threaten him with visiting New Orleans!

  10. Can you come with me, because I need one, and my husband would definitely not come with me. Pretty please? I give you happy ending!

  11. baaaaaaaahahahahaahahaha….. nuubs!!! bwahahahahahahaa….

    I took my MOM to buy her first toy… into a store where the “bubbly sales clerk” was a balding angry asshole I went to highschool with…

    Personally, I do my “shopping” online… I know what I want- I order it, and it comes in a discreet little brown box in the mail… can’t beat that- and no one ever SEES you entering a sex shop… not that I’m shy- OBVIOUSLY- I just told teh interwebs that I buy sex toys online…but it might be something to keep in mind for the Daver… you could get him a “fleshlight”!!!

  12. Suzy, you KNOW I’d go with you, happy ending or no!

  13. And Betts, she is TOTALLY into S and M. Sweet girl, though. Gorgeous. And that? AWKWARD.

  14. That’s too funny. I don’t think I could convince my man to do that with me. Definitely a girlfriend/sister kind of pursuit. I’m impressed he went with you! He’s probably earned his Porsche.

  15. He is a brave brave soul. And he totally deserves a Porsche!

  16. Bwahahahahahahaha, my husband refuses to even acknowledge my “Big Boy Blue” in the drawer next to my side of the bed. So The Daver is one up on him!

  17. Awesome. My dear hubs is not embarassed by much it is usually the other way around. But in the late evening of our anniversay most years we take a field trip to a new “store” that is both toys and hard-core. I usually peruse the titles and yell across the store to whatever he is looking at and wave some kind of monstrosity (i.e. Little dicks in big holes)in the air “How ’bout this one sexy” Everyone looks and he tries not to acknowledge my presence.

  18. I’m fairly sure that the only thing that could have made the situation ANY WORSE for him is if I’d been hugely pregnant. Because, dude. I know there’s a niche of porn in there, but yeah.

    Daver DOES deserve a Porsche and since he read that I will be hearing about it for the next 8 or so days. His birthday is on the 8th.

  19. oh.. oh.. you are so ruthless!

  20. That is very unAmerican.

  21. This is HIGHLY unAmerican.

  22. I seriously want penis shaped ice cubes now.

  23. I could easily replace “dave” with “jimmy” (my partner). Every times we go to a toy shop this is what happens. I run into someone I know, I get accousted by a sales person, I teach an impromteu class on self exams and/or finding your g-spot… And he stands there hoping he dies quickly or finds a way to be invisible.

  24. Hey, coulda been a lot worse. Hot blonde could have yelled, “DAVE!!” as you all walked in.
    I share his discomfort, which is why I get all my vibrating cock rings from Apple and Eve. God bless the plain brown wrapper.

  25. Oh Aunt Becky, just one more reason you are truly my hero. I was just thinking that I needed a toy, and here you are to inspire me. I’m with Potty Mouth, though, think I’ll go the nice impersonal internet route. Poor Daver. He and I apparently share a birthday. Wish him a sparkling one for me. :)

  26. I read this “story” once of a woman trying the wax your “area” at home………………….

    http://myshobha.com/myshobha/myshobha_pages/shobha-giggle.html

    “i run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. then I make the next BIG mistake…. remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? i know i need to do something. so I put my foot down.

    sealed shut! my butt is sealed shut. sealed shut!

    i penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself ‘please don’t let me get the urge to poop. my head may pop off!’ what can I do to melt the wax?”

    (hope not TOO graphic ;)

    yours is in the annals now too!

  27. LOVE IT!!!

  28. See, there would be a distinct role reversal in my relationship: I’m a painfully embarrassed prude (who buys all this kind of stuff online — what? that’s what the internet was MADE for!) whose boyfriend would take great joy in making me as uncomfortable as possible. Gah! I’m getting all blushy just thinking about it.

  29. I love a little weenie in my cock-tail…

    one day I will tell you my sex shop story…everyone needs a sex shop story!

  30. Ha! I LOVE that you’re a vibrator cheapskate!

  31. Your comments are seriously GOLD. I love it.

  32. Are we married to the same man? I vote for online shopping. No annoying salespeople and you know the creepy perverts that are lurking around watching you shop. I went to a “fun party” (That’s what they call them ’round here.) with a group of church gals. They were worse off than the Daver.

  33. Chibi… take your hubby to a topless bar… no, really….

  34. OMG Aunt Becky, I totally lurve you. I was rolling when I read this…and its nice to have a place where I can admit that I too broke my B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend, of course).

  35. Kelly, that’s a fantastic idea!

    And I love the electric boyfriend.

  36. >>>>take your hubby to a topless bar… no, really….

    That sounds like a great idea for an article. ;)

  37. there are two big sex shops here in my city. one is in a sketchy part of town and is therefore, itself, sketchy. supposedly it’s where the freaks go. like flashers, tranny-hookers and people who are into midget-kiddie-horse porn. it’s also pretty dark and sticky from what i hear. the other store is right here in my part of the suburbs. so, once, after all of my friends and i had turned 18 and we were bored one night, we decided to go to the sex shop. we weren’t cute/girls-gone-wild-18, we were “we turned 18 and now we want to try all the things 18-year-olds can do” 18. in other words, awkward. sex shop workers must have this sixth sense for awkward because the moment we walked in, this bearded dude (who in hindsight, looks like jerry garcia in his heyday. if he was like a homeless flasher who worked in a sex shop) accosted us and asked if we needed help with anything. while he was asking us, he was playing with a vibrator THAT LOOKED LIKE A TONGUE! A TONGUE, BECKY! it flicked back and forth as it vibrated and was obscene. and i mean, i like porn. i have seen obscene. i’ve seen gross things before, but as an 18-year-old innocent being essentially cornered by a jerry garcia look-alike-cum-flasher, it was just beyond uncomfortable. the worst part was we were the only people in the store. a store that was as big as about a master bedroom. so jerry garcia could watch us the entire time. and he did. while he played with the tongue-vibrator. i’ve totally been back to that store (but jerry wasn’t there… just the normal, creepy, balding sex-shop worker).
    poor daver.

  38. OHMYGOSH!

    I am sweating over here out of awkwardness for The Daver. My husband would have MURDERED me.

    Wow.

  39. HILARIOUS. I would so do that same thing to Kent, hahaha. He (Kent) has a hard time even saying the word vibrator to me, in private – forget getting him into a place like that. And I totally want some penis-shaped ice cubes! I can just imagine what my in-laws’ faces would look like if they saw those floating in their iced tea, hahaha.

  40. You’re awesome. Thanks for sharing.

  41. And people always think it’s the guys who want all the sex toys and porn…….but oh no, that does not seem to be the case ;)

    Katy that was freaking hil-ar-i-ous! Kudos to you for going back.

  42. Aww that’s another AWESOME read! Cute too :)
    Seriously, that text is very cinematic — pure sex shop blast.

    You don’t want vodka: you want the Pulitzer! :D

  43. Katy, you’re seriously my hero.

  44. yeah… when i did go back to that store, it was with my best friend and her boyfriend. i’m pretty sure he was about to lay down and die with embarrassment that he was there with us. with ME. he kind of had to. he and my friend were doing long-distance then so he pretty much had to go where she went. and WE went to a sex shop. so he had to come with us. i think it was part of our tour of the town. my friend and i played with penis swizzle-sticks, penis whistles, apple scented/flavored massage oil/lube, scary barbed cock-rings, and weird fetish-porn and then showed him. we would laugh and he would smile nervously and turn several shades of a mauve-raspberry color. obviously, the three of us didn’t go to a sex shop together again.

  45. hahahaha! Here in the good old Bible Belt there is an ENORMOUS cross that some crackpot constructed to overlook an adult toy store. Because apparently God does not like sex, although if that’s the case, perhaps he should have figured something else out for the continuation of the species.

    Here it is in all it’s glory: http://www.ohiobarns.com/othersites/miscellaneous/tn/42-53cross.html

  46. didn’t *anyone* else snicker at “we’ll just POP IN AND OUT?” am i the only twelve-teen year old here?

    i took my husband to a S&M sex shop/piercing place a hundred years ago (when we were still fun before children sucked the life out of us) and we gave all of the big leather dildos on the wall names. I don’t remember all of them, except the biggest one, which we called The Punisher. it was like a baseball bat. only leather. good stitching, though.

  47. Too funny:) Having only ever been in one shop in my entire sex life of however many sad years, I thouroughly enjoyed reading this. I’m not sure you can find anything around here nearly as fun as that. Maybe in Ontario?….hmmm I’ll ask around, maybe I’m missing out on something here??

  48. The Other Katy, in town here, we have one really REALLY religious store. They sell all sorts of…religious stuff in the basement of this old house. The top floor has historically been a hair salon, but for awhile it was vacant and a (I shit you not) psychic boutique was going to go in.

    SO didn’t happen.

  49. funny, The Daver didn’t act so weird when came sex toy shopping with me….Hhhmmm.

    (totally kidding and trying to be funny –

    he did act so weird :)

  50. Oh. Dear. Gawd.

    I am embarassed for The Daver.

    I wonder what my DH would do in that situation.

    We will NEVER know.

  51. I like your crotch talk! I have a vibrator that cost almost $200.00. I was single when I bought it. I have enjoyed my 6 settings, twirling beads, moveable head, and vibrating light up clit massager… but… I think I would rather have the money now to buy my kids school clothes. Motherhood will do that to ya lol lol

  52. I love the new Blog! Thanks for posting the link to it on the “clean” one. ;P

    This one is right up my *ahem* alley as well.

    I’d link it up with Facebook but I don’t see the option for that…is that intentional?

    Good Luck! Happy Blogging!

  53. The Other Katy, I actually live near that cross! I do have to correct the myth, though, there is no adult store near the cross. A very rural interstate exit, the only businesses within a mile of it are a dentist’s office, a winery, and the church that has the cross on their property. As a friend of mine once said when we were driving by it, “that musta been a big-ass Jesus!” :O

    Aunt Becky, you have a new fan for life!

  54. Roaring over here. Roaring I tell ya. The perfect story for my coffe and danish :)

  55. Hmm…toy shopping or shoe shopping? Seriously a touch call on which one is more fun.

  56. Im the odd man out. I love to go toy shopping. Toys and sex are valued the same as air,water, and food. Something required. my ex has a 1K toy box and I have already got.my first 12 toys in 4 months time and have shopping lists going for another dozen. I usually teach the people in our local stores about things.

    Guys that don't play with/are scared of, toys are always the ones who always whine about not being able to get dates.

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