What I Would Do If I Had Penis For A Day

I wish I had a penisFrom the first time I saw what appeared to be a canned mushroom hanging down from between the legs of my best friend as a child, I was intrigued. My own crotchal region looked nothing like that, and when I asked my mother, she explained clinically that boys had penises and girls had vaginas. Hm, I thought to myself. So it’s not a second butt. Okay, then.

The Difference Between Boys And Girls

I’m pretty sure that she gave me a more detailed explanation about the differences between boys and girls and where babies came from, my mother never being someone to mince words, I’m sure I knew all of the right words and terms and everything as soon as I asked. Later, through schoolyard talk, I learned the slang terms my mom never taught me and then I learned how to combine them into even more hilarious terms for maximum hilarity.

As I grew older, this trick turned into a staple of mine and was highly appreciated especially by my dude friends who were impressed that a girl could talk like that. From them, I’d pick up more terms and file them away for future use, just like a friendly neighborhood garbage picker, carefully filching and cobbling. From them, too, I learned that they were highly jealous of we girls. Specifically, of our sweater kittens. You know, our boobs?

Stay Home And Play With Yourself?

According to most of them, if they were blessed with a pair of chesticles, they would never leave the house. Instead, they would lounge about all day, playing with their breasts and occasionally admiring them in the mirror. Inspired by their vehemence, I tried this one day, only to be bored by about minute two. It seemed that no matter how much effort I put into it, I just wasn’t going to be as entertained by my breasticles as my male friends were. Which, I suppose, made sense, considering I’d had them since they’d developed.

A Penis For A Day

A penis, on the other hand, I told my guys, now if I had one of those for a day, WOW, the things I would do with it! They seemed to think that I was joking, as though no one would actually want a penis, but no, I wasn’t kidding. I didn’t want to be a man, I just wanted to have a penis for twenty-four hours or so. A week tops. You know, a detachable penis, like that King Missile song.

Intrigued, they asked me what the hell I wanted to do with a dick.

The Mushroom Print

First, I told them that I wanted to smack someone in the face with it. Give them a real Mushroom Print. Not in like a hostile way, but, you know, pivot my hips and hit someone with my flaccid wang. Because that just seems like something that everyone with a penis should do at some point or another. They laughed and agreed.

Pee In The Snow

Then, I explained, I would need to drink a bunch of crappy beer so that I could write my name in pee in the snow. “Becky” would suffice, it wouldn’t have to be “Rebecca” and obviously cursive would work better so as not to interrupt the stream, which I knew would hurt. But I wanted to see my name steaming in the snow, in big, loopy, pee-made letters. Always been bitter that I couldn’t do it myself without involving a cup or a squirt gun or someone else’s member.

After I took photographic evidence, I would then find the nearest tall building and whip it out to pee on it. Not because I had to pee, really, just because I could. And really, after years of having to find a dark corner, or a toilet or somewhere discrete, being able to finally pull it out through a hole in my pants and let ‘er rip without peeing all over myself, well, that brings a tear to my eye. Then I would find a homeless guy taking a leak to have a sword fight with. Because obviously.

The Floating Penis

Then I would need to find a bath tub and take a bath with the dual purpose of watching my brand-new member float while washing away wino pee. Because there is nothing not hilarious about a floating penis. The guys seemed to think that I was being mean about this, but I assured them that I genuinely thought that a penis, bobbing merrily in the water was pretty much full of The Awesome. Because it is.

I Would Play Dress Up With My Penis

Clean from my bath, I would now find the most ridiculous attire to dress my dick in. Perhaps a whimsical rooster getup. Or maybe a turkey. Possibly even a dinosaur. Because nothing says “I want to have sex with you” like a penis dressed like a dinosaur. Perhaps I would put it in a box, just so I could sing in a falsetto, “I put my dick in a box, OOOOH!” After I pull my dick from the box, I think would be the perfect time to engage it in a shadow puppet show where I teach my penis how to dance. Preferably to Madonna’s “Like A Prayer.” Why that song? I dunno. I like it and really why not? It’s a dancing penis, after all. It has no dignity.

Time To Scratch My Balls

The novelty of this would wear off quickly, I’m sure, and the delicate skin would no doubt chafe from the many costume changes, so I’m imagining this would be the perfect time for me to sit back and have a good ball bag itch. Because while I don’t exactly know the sort of ecstasy that it brings, I’m imaging that it has to be somehow close to heaven. That, or there’s some magnetic pull there. I don’t know, but I intend to find out.

I’ll probably, you know, have to have The Sex with a cadre of hot girls and boys (I’d be equal opportunity with my penis, after all) just to see what ejaculating feels like and then, I told my friends, I’ll happily give back my tubular appendage back to wherever it came from because I like being a girl. They snickered, and asked me if I was SURE that I didn’t stay at home and play with my boobs all day long.

Crestfallen when I said no, they simply shook their head, disappointed. Now, I think I finally understood why.

What would you do if you had a day to switch sexes?

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. Ace article. I’ve often found myself wanting a penis for a day or so. And if i got my wish id make sure i found time to put it in a Tenga Flip Hole! http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17376

  2. Penis for a day? I would definitely get myself a blow job (actually, SEVERAL blow jobs to experience different techniques), just to see what the fuss is about!

  3. SkyddsDrake says:

    A penis for a day? I don’t think I would be able to stop touching it, out of sheer wonder. O.O

    I’ve often wondered what it would be like to have a penis. Then the straight friends I’ve had a thing for in the past wouldn’t be able to put me off with the, “I love you, but I love penis more” comment.

    I really have to imagine it would be quite the experience… All that nice, sensitive skin to enjoy friction with. Don’t get me wrong, I love, love, LOVE being a woman, but I’d get down with the opportunity to experiment with having a penis. Once I was done petting it and getting over the shock of experiencing such new, breezy sensations walking around the house naked, I’d go clubbing and find someone to help bring me into the new experience. They’d have to be a bit kinky and willing to do anything, though… I mean. If I’m only going to have a penis for a day, I have to be able to experience everything there is to experience in one shot, right? And, perhaps to make the most expedient use of such a short time, I’d have to bring a few folks home and do it orgy-style. =P

  4. Being a busy mom and all if I had a penis for a day I would put that shit to work. Who hasn’t yearned for a third arm? I would just get my dick hard and voila I could carry ALL my grocery’s in from the car. I would also pierce my cock because what girl doesn’t love a beautiful diamond ring.

  5. AvionicsMan says:

    writing you name in the snow was always fun as a kid. Or just standing behind a tree or tall shrub when you really have to go.

  6. I didn’t see anything about a blow job Becky! I would definitely make sure to throw a few in there. And smacking someone across the face with it would be so much fun. I’d also try and pee upwards, you know, like aim it up high at something? Then I’m make sure to be aroused just enough so I could walk around with a boner in my pants and watch all the reactions. Yeah…having a penis for a day would be friggin’ awesome.

  7. As always, you have cracked me up big time.

    I think that if I had a penis for a day, I’d do what my husband does, which is nearly nothing, and then ask for some praise for doing said nothing….LOOK, I put my socks in the hamper, where they go! I think I need a blow job now…

  8. Shit I can’t believe I forgot to say, if I had a penis for a day I would BONE AUNT BECKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. If I had a vagina for a day? I would go shopping for shoes, obviously.

    And do laundry.

  10. Interesting how much interest there is in exploring the other sex’s toys. I have to admit, this is something I’ve given some thought to.

    If I had a penis for the day, my man would not be going to work. After having fun with The Pegging, I’d probably go out and find another someone(s) to play with, and I’d want to whole slutty experience — blow job(s), some DP, perhaps some (non-anonymous) gloryholing. Also, if it’s not just the penis, but the whole package deal with the prostate, I’d want me some play time with that, as well.

    It’s probably for the best I’ve got the body that I do. I’m rather attached to my breasts, although it is fun to imagine the mischief I could get into with a penis.

    Also, Aunt Becky, if it doesn’t creep you out too much, you can always pee your name with one of these:
    http://www.go-girl.com/

    I haven’t used that particular brand, although some of the girls in my Girl Scout troop totally made a similar idea for primitive camping. We were more interested in spelling out obnoxious four letter words than our names, but you could get a good cursive word going. Highly recommend it.

  11. SkyddsDrake – doing your girlfriends – that’s crazy and hot!! You just gave me a woody ;)

    Lady of the House – Stronger than a regular penis, it’s “Super Dick” able to carry groceries in one trip. And that’s not all folks!! “Super Dick” comes bedazzled with jewels – get yours today!

  12. Oh! And I want to make sure and use it to hang some laundry from. Because, you know, I like to be efficient.

  13. I have a take-along-peener too Michelle! I was going to suggest it to Becky, but we were talking about other things…it’s awesome I’ll tell you. You can pee standing up and not have to worry about getting your pants/legs/shoes all wet! This is the one I have and take with me on camping trips, hiking and so on: http://www.freshette.com/

  14. Ooh, I’ve heard good things about the Freshette. That angle looks like you could spell something with it too.

    Now I want to go camping, so I can pee standing up. Damn it.

  15. I tried this with a strap on once. I couldn’t keep my hands off the thing, I had a constant urge to stick it in things, and it kept getting caught in doors as I closed them. I n other words, they’re a total pain in the ass (no pun intended).

  16. Quick!! Someone give Mr. Toy With Me a vagina – I hate freaking laundry.

    Michelle Bell – I think you may have stumbled onto something here. Maybe we should just become transvestites and have the best of both worlds – a penis and boobs!

  17. Crissy – as I recall though it made you feel like a super hero.

  18. Ah hell yeah… just for a day or two I would absolutely love to try it out. I would like to do that brain thing and scare people! I would probably hump on everything and stick it in things just to see what that is all about.. oh and to pee standing up!

    I posted a while back about something similar to the freshette… I may have to purchase one. I just can’t use public restrooms anymore…

  19. Aunt Becky, if you ever get a penis, let me know, because I want to marry you.

    If I had a penis, I would wish for balls just so I could scratch them. And not clean up after myself. Because apparently, a lack of self-awareness comes with said penis? At least that’s been my experience. :)

  20. I need a strap on now. No, I do. Someone, give me a strap-on. Crissy? Send me your old one. WAIT, no, that’s weird.

  21. Aunt Becky, you may want to know how it feels to ejaculate, but I honestly can tell you how it MAY feel to have sex with a penis.

    Try This: Stick your finger in your ear and jiggle it around some, and dig around a bit. Gentle now……….

    Okay, which feels better? Your ear or your finger???

    That’s what I thought………..I’ll stick to being a girl because there is nothing like having a penis inside my vagina.

  22. I have to say, Crissy, your video made me laugh so hard I peed a little. I also called up my mother, e-mailed the video to her, and sat cackling over the phone while she watched in horror. She’s since stopped asking me when I’m going to squeeze out a rugrat or two. I think she now fears for her future grandchildren and the scaring I would cause as their mother.

    I do not think that giving me a strap-on (or a penis) would be a good choice. There really are a lot of places you could stick that and I’m sure the random humping of objects would not be appreciated. It’s truly a wonder men make it through puberty at all.

  23. Aunt Becky – just how many marriage proposals have you had in your lifetime? You’re most likely up to at least 10 this week alone. You are so full of the awesomeness, will you marry me? Then we can start a harem? Kinky and fun.

    Kisha – You could also fart at will and revel at the smell. Wanna pull my finger anyone? My all time favorite (besides a good ole ball scratch in front of company) is peeing outside just because. Really, let’s say I’m out on my back patio, the door to the house (and a proper washroom) is 5 feet away, the woods in my yard is 10 feet. Where will I pee? Outside, of course – because I can!

  24. Crissy – to avoid favoritism I think everyone should be privy to your strap-on video. Freaking hilarious! What do you say?

  25. Rebecca,
    Speaking as a man who has both had his finger in his ear and his penis in a vagina, there is absolutely no similarity.

    If I had boobs for a day, I would play dress up. There is no end to the clothes that just look better if you have a nice pair of sweater kittens to fill them out with.

  26. I absolutely want a harem. And I have had COUNTLESS marriage proposals.

  27. Sam – perhaps this is why women love to flaunt our precious kittens. We have something you want, yet can’t have. But don’t worry, we are usually willing to share. Women are nice like that ;)

    Aunt Becky – So, since it was my suggestion do I get to be the first wife in the harem?

  28. not only is there a strap on video, there’s strap on pictures as well!

    Pictures: http://crissyspage.com/2008/04/29/fancy-on-the-outside/

    video: http://vimeo.com/6723804

    And Becky, you can totally use my strap on. It’s only been used for blog stunts (as far as I know)

  29. If I had boobs for a day, I’d strap ‘em into the the best push-up bra on the market and see how much free shit I could get by flashing my cleavage everywhere. Because I’ll be damned, that always works on me.

  30. Take a long road trip and drink as much as I wanted-no public bathroom would scare me!

  31. Honestly, I would want to go out in public for the sole reason of being able scratch myself, and as you said, pee in the snow, have sex, play with it.

    …and oddly enough just to find out what being kicked in the balls really feels like.

  32. Oooh! I totally want to get kicked in the nads. TOTALLY.

  33. If I had a penis for a day, I’d totally want to have sex. My boyfriend and I have played some with gender bending and having him give me a blow job while I was wearing a dildo was very hot. Actually being able to feel his mouth on my cock would be 10,000 times more extreme…

    Oh, and I don’t think I’d want to be kicked in the nads. My imagination gives me a pretty good idea of what that would feel like…

  34. If I had a penis, I’d spend the whole day trying to find my G-spot externally….because I want to see how it compares!

    I also want to finally know why men are so obsessed with their own farts. I think I need to be a guy to understand its appeal. Because I just don’t get it….

  35. Ok, I totally want a 3 way with Becky and Crissy!

  36. Cortney – Stand in line girl.

  37. Ok, y’all are hilarious…

    Also, I totally want a dick for a day. Or three. Because I’m all for The Girly Sex, and having a wang that has honest-to-god sensation in it would be kick ass. And I, too, want to know what all the fuss is about blowjobs. Seriously. Are they THAT good? Is it like g-spot-hitting sex? Because THAT is fucking awesome… so if it’s like that, I totally have new found respect for my man not demanding BJs every time we have The Sex.

  38. If I could have a penis for a day, I would bug the hell out of my husband about when he was going to let me in the back door or when he was gonna give me head! Pay back’s hell.

  39. It’s a good thing I was *just* in the bathroom, cuz you are all too funny. And I would totally Tea-bag EVERY ONE of my friends… especially my husband… what goes around comes around!

  40. OH MY GOD…I have had this conversation SO MANY TIMES with my friends!

    Okay, okay, -pees from excitement-

    I would jack off for eleventy million hours, to see what it would feel like. Then I would hire hookers and see what it feels like to do it with a girl. Then I would buy a fleshlight and see what THAT feels like. THEN I would try bum play and see what that feels like from a guys perspective.

    I would do all of the stuff you mentioned…

    And then I would have a sword fight with my penis with someone else’s, because if you could do that, how COOL would that be? Also, having some kind of whip on there would be cool, too, I guess…be like “YOU’RE MY SLAVE! *whip whip*”

    I would do jumping jacks, too, because I hear that hurts like a bitch, but I wanna see what it FEELS LIKE to have dangly bits instead of ones that are all sucked up inside…

    I would love to be able to aim my pee at things…it sounds like a day of hilarity.

    OH…what if you had a CRAZY DAY where you had boobs that we have now, AND a penis?! Oh my god…or is that a topic for another day? Then we could accomplish both amazing feats at once. Preferably, I already do walk around the house molesting myself and goggling at myself in the mirror, wondering how on earth god made such amazing ta-tas, and why people don’t touch them more, but if you could do that AND knock cups over with a penis?? Oh my god…that would be, dare I say it, crissylicious. HAAH…I just love that post where Crissy (www.crissyspage.com had a dildo strapped on for a few hours and kept grabbing herself and knocking stuff over HAHAHA…

    Man, I am rambling on…

    OH! I would see if I could play the piano with it. I have heard of stuff like that happening…lets see if we can get the head to play one note and the kids to play others, and then use the fingers to play MORE? Or would you hit like five at the same time and have it sound like a big blob of hell? Oh em gee…

    I think I would just run around naked if I had a penis for a day, shouting from the rooftops “I HAVE A PENIS YEAAH!”…

    Oh, man…what a good day that would be…

    But only for a day. I love my vagina.

  41. OH…my boyfriend just suggested this one and I think it is AMAZING…cutting a hole in a watermelon and fucking it.

    I asked, “Why?!” while laughing

    and he said, “Just to say you did.”

    EPIC.

  42. If I had a penis for a day I would, OBVIOUSLY:
    1. Hang my pictures that are just sitting sadly on the floor.
    2. Build shleves in my laundry room.
    3. Fix my computer and wireless internet.
    4. Bitch about money all day long.
    5. Bitch about laundry all day long.
    6. Boss the kids around like little soldiers.
    7. Re-tile my bathroom.
    And of course:
    8. Masturbate between each of things.

  43. I had a dream about a week ago that I had a penis (no shit). As soon as I realized I had it, I was like, “Oh, I’m totally gonna jerk off to see what the big deal is!!” I think I started but then woke up.

    So, apparently, that’s what I’d do.

  44. I would do everything you mentioned but dress up my penis. Id probably get 3 different girls of different sizes, fuck all of them and choose my favorite to violate her in all kinds of ways for the whole day. I would tickle my own balls to see whats so cool about it. “Facefuck”. Fuck a pillow. Attempt to give myself head(Just saying!) Masturbate in all kinds of ways.

    But the one thing you mentioned that I want to do regardless (meaning I will do it with a strap despite the fact I cant feel it…) is dicksmack a female. That, and scratch my balls. A floating penis would scare the shit out of me… just because its mine and its floating. I dont want my penis to float…

  45. I’m sure someone else has already said the same things, but I’m pretty sure I’d jerk it all day, find someone to give me a blow job, and then have sex with them.

  46. After I was done playing with it and boning everyone and everything in sight, I’d probably be in the ER having an Electrolux or an exhaust pipe or something equally nonsexual surgically removed from my penis. Then I’d go out for beers and brag about it. “Yeah but it was a ’68 Camaro exhaust pipe, man! I tagged a classic!” *high-five*

    Oh and I’d want mine with a foreskin please. They’re so much fun to play with when they’re soft. Like jello wearing a turtleneck sweater.

  47. I’d go buy a car, and see what it’s like not to be treated like I don’t know what I’m talking about.

    Then I’d get a blowjob.

  48. I know it is not creative. But I imagine masturbation would be amazing and sooooo easy. Just think. No candles, no toys, and it only takes a few minutes. Then it would be sexy times, imagine how that feels from their side.

  49. Well, I’d have to get all the simple and obvious things out of the way, first.

    Assuming I woke up in the opposite gender, the first thing I’d do is explore myself in every possible way. Probably do that whole hand mirror thing, minus the creepy female self-empowerment class it’s usually associated with. Explore every area and all the feelings associated with it. Never did understand the guys who went on and on about playing with their breasts. I love breasts, but you can do only so much with them. My newfound pussy would be my primary focus.

    I’d then, obviously, masturbate ’til I came so I could prove once and for all my theory that girls have MUCH better orgasms than guys. I’d then probably masturbate again, and again, until I was exhausted.

    I’d then go pee and see how that feels. Sounds simple, but since I’ve got a slight watersports fetish, that thought kind of turns me on.

    I’d then shower, shave, and I’m sure masturbate again while in the shower.

    I’d then get out my partner’s toys and see what it feels like to be penetrated once and for all, and get myself off as many times as possible that way.

    Depending on what I had to do that way, I can all but guarantee I’d shove SOMETHING in there before heading out for the day, just because I’ve always found the idea that there’s an in there to shove and leave something incredibly cool, and I’d so get off on knowing it’s there and nobody else does. If it’s something that vibrates and I can turn it on discretely, all the better.

    I’d stop at every public restroom I could, and masturbate each and every time I did, getting off both on my newfound body and the fact that I could go into the ladies room legitimately. I’d also shove my hand down my pants and rub myself off in the car along the way.

    Ginger (my partner, not Magnolia above) has a strap-on, although we have yet to find someone for her to try it out on. I’d definitely be up for her trying it out on me at that point.

    Oh, and I’d take a TON of pictures of it, posing and positioning and spreading it in all the ways I wish there was more porn of.

    Finally, I’d go out to a bar with Ginger and, assuming I had hopefully developed a bisexual streak with the changeover, pick up a guy to share with Ginger for the night and see what it’s like to get laid from a girl’s perspective.

    I’d probably fall asleep fingering myself defiantly as I fought off the sleep that would take it back away from me.

    Yes, I love my dick, and I wouldn’t want to lose it for good, but I have very, very much fantasized about switching genders for a day. Or preferably a week. It just sounds like way too much fun, and I’d get all the benefits of being completely new to it to prevent me from being jaded by the normalcy you all find in it.

    (besides Mr. Toy With Me, was I the only guy to respond?)

  50. If I had a penis, I’d have to pee outside. And not just woohoo, I’m peeing outside….oh no, I’m going to march up to the backyard fence (which is tall even for a privacy fence, wonder why neighbors?), and I’m going to whip it out. And I will aim for the top of that damn fence, and see if I can make it over!

  51. Great post! You forgot all about silly dick tricks. Stretching it over your wrist and showing off your “watch”. Stretching the sack out to make the “flying squirrel”.

    If I was a chick I would see how all the things I like to do would feel from that perspective. I would have to try a 3 way with two guys in me at the same time. I would also love to try messing with guys and pissing off other chicks by flaunting my good bits as much as possible.

  52. Wow! What a bunch of insanely active imaginations – you bunch of lube loving sex fiends.

    Rose – You sound like a kid in a candy store who has just been told they can have one of everything. A sword sounds like a blast, except I would put glow-in-the-dark paint on my penis and call it a light sabre! Wicked fun.

    cjupiter – Way to funny for my bladder to handle. Everyone should read your comment – brilliant!! Someone is setting the bar. You also brought up a great point – so here’s my Q to everyone…

    Would you like you penis to be cut or uncut?

  53. Okay, after spending 23 hours having sex in every imaginable way (with the occasional puppet show thrown in during recovery time), I’d have to spend the 24th hour in a stage combat class.

    Yes, stage combat. It’s a carefully studied art form (and one of my hobbies): the techniques of doing what looks (in a play or on film) like horribly violent things, while actually taking care to make sure every actor is really safe and having fun. Well, being a cute little blondish girl, I have often been called on to do (or pretend to do) nasty things to men’s crotchal areas: kicking, punching … I even held a knife to a guy’s favorite thing once. The technique is to kick, punch, knife, whatever very close to the actual penis, without actually hitting it. These moves always make me terribly nervous because I can’t possibly understand what’s at stake if I should happen to miss. So, yeah, I’d like to be kicked in the balls, just to know what it feels like. And to be kicked NEAR the balls, to know exactly where they’re hanging.

    When I got back to being a girl, I’d be greatly relieved, I’m sure. I’d also be a much better, kinder, safer actor to pretend fight with.

  54. Oooooo, delightful! I would so so so JUMP at the chance to be a boy for a day. Even better yet, one of my boyfriends is bisexual, and would JUMP at the chance to either play with me as a boy or try being a girl –we’ve talked several times about how incredible it would be to switch bodies, for me to feel what it’s like to thrust deep inside a pretty girl, for him to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a wave of orgasms.

    If I was the only one who switched over, I’d start by going to the bathroom and peeing standing up, because I COULD! I’d spend the morning having as much fun by myself as possible, including several attempts at autofellatio (I’m sure I’m *almost* flexible enough, and man, I so want to be able to give myself a blow-job). After I’d done a proper amount of self discovery, I’d go out to eat for lunch, taking careful note of all the subtle social differences that come from being male, rather than female.

    My afternoon would be spent in couples sexing, doing every dirty thing I could think of to whichever of my boyfriends would be the least freaked out by my sudden acquisition of a Y chromosome. I’d be sure to take lots of pictures, too, so that I could have lovely boy-boy photos to, ahem, browse when I was female again.

    The evening would be spent dancing, being joyous in the fact that I’m likely to actually be taller than the girls I lead. After that, even more sex, until I collapsed into bed, with whoever was nearest, utterly utterly satisfied.

    …now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go take care of some things…>.>

  55. No one said shadow puppets? Because, clearly, what you need is a white wall, a dick, and a flashlight to make your very own action-packed drama featuring your penis puppet!

    Also, unicorn underwear are a must. Paint that bad boy silver if you have too. (It’s a penis, it already looks ridiculous). Besides, it’s only mine for the day–it’s not like I have to feed it whiskey and tell it “No baby, it’s huge.”

  56. Well assuming I’d borrowed it from a certain male friend, and knowing how over the moon and happy I am with my wonderful cunt I don’t think I’d play around with it too much but I would absolutely 100% take it to a tattoo parlour and get it all snake tattooed! Then when I gave it back my buddy would have an awesome stripy trouser snake!! :D

  57. Personally, I’d just kinda wanna see what it feels like to masturbate and have an orgasm without feeling like I’m trying to defuse a bomb and shit. Marcy on Californication had it right: giving a woman an orgasm is like trying to defuse a bomb – all sort of wires and shit!

  58. Wow…the bad part about commenting this late in the day is that some of the best ideas have already been announced. But whatever. Peeing in the snow would be good, except I’m not that fond of cold, so I’d have to consider that carefully. But definitely peeing outside, on something. Maybe on some shrubbery with lots of leaves, to listen to the splashing noise.

    Does the penis come with a willing partner for experimental purposes? Because I would so totally have to have a blow job, just so I could understand why my boyfriend gets that expression when I hit that particular spot (always followed by “Don’t move – right there – yeah, do that again” – he’ll agree to almost anything I ask for at that point).

    And since I’m fairly sex-obsessed even without a penis, I’m pretty sure there would be a lot of experimenting. Basically, I think I want to try everything that assorted boyfriends have wanted to try over the years, just to try it from their point of view LOL. Especially the quickie sex in basically public places. It would be nice to do that without being the person who has to completely lose the pants and be bare-butt if you get caught. It’s gotta be totally cool to be able to get laid without your butt hanging out.

  59. Eat cheetos and jack off while watching girls gone wild. Then sleep

  60. Winner Time!!!

    Thanks to everyone for some hilarious comments.

    Congratulations goes to……… ROSE!!!

    Your excitement at having a penis for a day won us all over :)
    Please DM or email me with your shipping info.
    Thanks, Sandy

  61. I’m a day late, it’s true, but I want to comment anyway.

    On the day I wake up with a penis, I will star in some kind of porn, even if it’s amateur. No one even has to see my face!
    Also, I’d like to get a blow job in a moving vehicle. I had a girl-end experience giving one once, and we had to stop because my partner couldn’t breathe.

    I spend a lot of time wondering: Would it be better to be a girl or a boy? On the one hand, women have lots of sexual power and boobs and the ability for multiple orgasms, but we also have menstruation issues for the entirety of our lives. We can have children, but they have to come out somehow. Guys, on the other hand, can pee in the snow, have (what appears to be) better ability to get off, greater social status, etc, but they have to go through the awkward visible erection phases.

  62. Awesome!! Thank you tons!!

    Well, my twitter account seems to hate me right now and won’t let me send anyone a DM…so I will try sending an e-mail your way. If that doesn’t work…I dunno! HAH!

    THANKS AGAIN! -squee-

  63. Omg…what is WRONG with me?? I think I’d be a flasher or possibly a perv who rubs up on women on the subway. Damn you Aunt Becky for bringing all these latent deviant sexual proclivities to the surface!

  64. Well, since Rose already one, I’m taking my sad, flacid penis and going home…

  65. Congrats Rose!
    You’re all riots. Virtual schlongsmacks for everyone!

  66. if i had a pussy? oh god. there’d be a lot of insertions going on, that’s for sure. the fact that you ladies have such a smorgasbord of options waiting for exploitation sitting in the PRODUCE DEPARTMENT of the local supermarket is one of the greatest benefits i can think of.

    i’d also think ahead and ensure that i had some videotape rolling of my “explorations” for when the spell wore off and things went back to normal.

    besides that, going out and turning men into idiots with nothing more than my body is probably the other thing i’d do.

  67. Not so quick Lola. DearRedhead has a contest going on today to win a Massage Oil Candle. Check it out!

    dubiousma – girl you can flash me anytime ;)

    cjupiter – Ohhh……schlongsmacks now you’re talking!!

  68. “There is nothing not hilarious about a floating penis” LOLOL! So very true…..

  69. I’ve always thought that would be so cool. Dicks are so much more utlitarian and user friends than a snatch. I mean, it’s just out there. Easier to operate than a stickshift.

    I’d smack it until it fell off. I have to say that I do like the idea of the mushroom print. That would be cool.

    And, I’d see it just whipping it out really does work to get ass like a lot of the guys I know think it does.

  70. Man If I had a vaginae I would find someone to bang the hell out of it. Then I would go around with no panties and flash it at everyone(shaved of course) Hell I might even go to the zoo and flash the animals just to see what they would do. (ok that a really a bar, same thing flashing animals) Then I would lube it up real good and press it on random store windows like fingerprints. Probably about lunchtime I would go to the grocery store and buy lots of fruits and veggies just to see what works. Then I would flash some more. might even swing by the senior center and spread it around. they probably need the flashes more. Then I would go to the sex shop and shoplift a really nice dildo because I could hide it. probably finish off the evening with a case of condoms and a big gang bang just to try all shapes and sizes before it disappeared and my cock was back. The whole thing sounds like lots of fun.

  71. SmackItToMe says:

    I think it's interesting that you and so many other women here said that they'd definitely want to smack someone with their penis if they had one. I DO have one and I've always wanted to too! I guess I never thought it would be "appreciated". Maybe I'm dating the wrong kind of women…

  72. Thank you for a very enjoyable read. As I am soon to be 60 (Jan,) I may have had a bit more time to engage in the less-frequently employed love/sex pastimes. That and the fact that I have been a male slut since puberty raised my other ugly head. I recently gave my new love her first cockslap. She looked shocked at first then laughed at the absurdity of the act, then the real fun began. I recommend it as a real icebreaker at parties. Be certain to at least have been introduced to the hostess first.

  73. cosmopolite says:

    Ladies, want to pee standing up? Wear a billowy skirt, loose panties, drink 2 liters, walk into the wilderness. When the urge comes, pull the skirt up and the panties aside. Put our feet about 2 feet apart. Open up your labia minorae with your fingers. Let her rip.

    Want to experience sex from the male perspective? Find a lesbian with a strap-on, then convince her to let you use the strap-on. I doubt you will enjoy this as much as peeing in the wilderness.

    Blowjobs? Here too, it is probably better to give than to receive.

    Because of the reality of erection, a man cannot pretend to be turned on when he isn't, and when he is turned on, cannot deny in. So men are not very good at using sexual access to manipulate others. A good reason to chuck penis envy out the window.

    Because you ladies are North American, you don't mention the sexiest parts of having a penis: the moving foreskin, the ridged band rubbing against the vaginal wall, the frenular delta, and the exquisite sensitivity of the frenulum. But if you can unhood the glans of your clitoris, you may already have a fair idea of these delights. At any rate, the best parts of the penis are much more than a mushroom shaft. There's delicate structures that are a lot life woman parts.

  74. If I woke up with a vagina I would go to the store, buy some hot panties,put them on and then sell them on craigslist…

  75. i would dress up like i normal do
    (a woman) get fake boob and a wig and do a lot of stuped stuff. i would walk into the girl bathroom with my penis and be sexy. latter i will get necked and run into a public place.than make a girlfriend and have sex at 12:00 to only change back into a girl and freak-out that girl. and the next day when the cops come looking foor me i peed on a kid they wont know it is me

  76. What an interesting article. I like the idea of having a bath and watching it float there. I think it would just be great to go into the men’s toilets and stand there doing my business at the urinal (o: I’d have to try and not look at the other men while I was standing there though!

  77. Penis for a day!Lol.It’s a good topic I was masturbating, cuz you are all too funny.

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