MILF: Noun. Acronym for “Mother I’d Like to Fuck,” made popular by the 1999 movie, American Pie.
Cougar: Noun. An attractive, middle-aged woman who seeks out much younger men for romance or physical intimacy.
She’s a Man Eater
Recently, Candace Bushnell of Sex and The City fame was uber-offended at being labeled a “cougar” because she is an attractive, older woman married to a man 10 years her junior. In September, The G4 Cable Channel was sued by a group of women who participated in a reality show called The Great Cougar Hunt, claiming that they did not know they were being filmed and that they took offense to being referred to as cougars. And all over the country, moms have been up in arms about the term MILF, claiming that it is crude, rude and degrading.
I cry foul.
How come moms complain when we are considered to be sexual castoffs, and then turn around and get all femi-Nazi when a couple of terms are coined in honor of us being hot, sexy bombshells who know what we want and know how to get it? We can’t have it both ways, and I, personally would like to embrace these terms and urge women in this country to view them as empowering, instead of insulting. Also, ladies, let’s have a sense of humor.
Mrs. Robinson, Are You Trying to Seduce Me?
Originally, the term “cougar” was brought into usage with a slightly offensive connotation. Where Hollywood originally called them “Mrs.” Robinson’s,” referring to the gorgeous, mom-vixen in The Freshman who seduces a young Dustin Hoffman, the term cougar suddenly implied that these Mrs. Robinsons were man-eating predators. But as time goes on and more high-powered, beautiful women are being called cougars, the stigma behind it seems to be waning, and more and more women are calling themselves cougars or aspiring to the title. And why not? Why not stop taking ourselves so seriously and admit that this is society’s way of saying “Hey Mrs. Robinson, you’ve still got it, so use it!”
Also, it’s OK to have a sense of humor and not take everything so goddamn seriously.
Cougar In Training
Being a mere 30 years old myself, and married to a man two years older than I am, I do not fit into the category of cougar, nor will I most likely ever (barring some catastrophic destruction of my marriage, an unfortunate divorce and The Jonas Brothers taking off those Goddamn purity rings). However, that being said, if I were to be single in 10-20 years or so, and was interested in snagging a young stud a la Joe Jonas, I would be proud to be considered a cougar. I have even joked that I am a “Cougar in Training,” because to me, a cougar isn’t an older woman who preys on young, unsuspecting males, but she is a woman who projects sexiness and exudes confidence, even in her later years, when society has deemed her “past her peak.” That sounds pretty good to me.
The Silver Fox
But there are plenty of women who believe that the term cougar represents something pathetic and derogatory. Jodi, a married mom of two with another on the way said “I find the term cougar to be incredibly sexist and offensive. The term “Cougar” is meant to be derogatory. It was coined specifically to deride women who dated and/or had relationships and/or pursued younger men. There is no equally descriptive term for men who pursue younger women.”
Ah, but Jodi, there is and he is called the “silver fox.” But we don’t hear that term used as often as we do cougar, and that may be because for years, it was much more acceptable to be an older man pursuing younger women. But Patty, a single woman in her 20’s, had a good point when she said “One could argue that any pursuit of sexual partners is a predator/prey situation and that the concept of a woman being capable of being in the role of predator is a new-ish and potentially empowering one.”
Yes, empowering. Let’s go with that. Let’s accept that the term cougar is not always looked upon as an insult, it is looked upon as a compliment to those older women who are still doing their thing and proving to society that men aren’t the only ones who can get better with age and date whomever they damn well choose.
Now before you can be a cougar, you have to be a MILF–and some moms don’t want to claim this title either. But I’m not so sure it’s a bad thing.
Step Away From the Apple Pie (And That Boy’s Mother), Young Man
If you saw the movie American Pie, then you probably remember the scene consisting of two young men ogling a portrait of a busty, 40-something mom in their friend’s house chanting “MILF, MILF, MILF!”
Immature, yes. But offensive? I don’t think so.
Lets Face It, A Lot Of Moms Are Hot
Boys have been coveting their friends’ hot moms ever since it was still taboo for them to wear pants, never mind hipster jeans and cute little capris. It’s nothing new, and personally, I will take being called a MILF over an old maid any day. The fact that young men took the time to make up a term for a hot, smokin’ mom who can still turn guys’ heads, I think, is something to be celebrated, not rejected. A lot of moms are sexy. When a mom is considered a MILF, an angel gets its wings and it de-bunks the myth that moms become sexless, saggy milk dispensers once they give birth. It reverses some of the damage that Hollywood and the mainstream media have done to create the image that it’s just not sexy to be a mom.
We can’t have our cake and eat it too. We can’t complain that we are tossed aside like an old pair of shoes once we become mothers, and then get all up in arms when people label us in sexual terms like cougar and MILF. I am sure we would all prefer not being labeled at all or put in a box with all the other people society thinks are like us, but that is just not going to happen. We all get labeled – Soccer Mom, Suit, Liberal, Conservative. If the shoe fits, wear it. And if it belongs to a pair of sexy stilettos that make your legs look fierce, then wear it with pride, no matter your age, whether you have given birth, or the age of your dinner date.
So tell me, would you be offended if you were referred to as a MILF or a Cougar?
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About the Author
Petra Wise is a young, married freelance writer and mother of two. In addition to writing here at Toy With Me, you can find her writing about sex and motherhood at her blog "Sex and The Suburbs" , as well as writing about her life as a work from home mom, wife and sex toy aficionado on her blog, The Wise (Young) Mommy . She is also writing a book on motherhood and sex called Sex and The Suburbs: What Mom’s Don’t Talk About at PTA Meetings and Playdates—But SHOULD.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
More often than not, when I’ve heard the terms “MILF” and “Cougar” in use, it has been with a kind of awe. I’ve never heard them used with a sneer, or even amusement. It’s meant as a compliment, and personally I would take it as such (although I am neither a mother, or of an age to be considered a Cougar as of yet). I think this anti-labelling of the MILF and Cougar population movement is just one more ridiculous militaristic attempt to “tame” boys and men in our society by the ultra-feminist group. I mean, seriously… Whips can be fun, but do we really need to use them against compliments? (Unless they like that sort of thing, of course…)
SkyddsDrake – excellent! I think you are so right. I also think that we take ourselves WAAAAYYYYY too seriously nowadays, which only further complicated our lives.
Aren’t our lives complicated enough? I know mine sure is…
Ah, Petra…I hear you. I railed into the Denver Post with this rant: On the Prowl: A ‘Cougar’ Scratches Back at the Denver Post. Not because of their labeling of a 35-year-old woman a “cougar” but with regards to how they portrayed them. Sheer caricatures.
I think it’s hard enough in this life to find someone to love – bringing age into the equation as a qualifying criteria is kinda f’d. Women and men any age should embrace their sexuality. Chemistry extends way beyond physical attraction and age demographics. Just like good sex, good “relating” involved the BRAIN, too.
I relish the day someone calls me a MILF. Woo-freakin’-hoo!
I thought it would be great to get a MILF vanity license plate for my mini van, but my husband didn’t think the state would let me.
Let’s start using the term “manther.” That seems like an appropriate male companion to cougar. (Can you be married and be a cougar?)
Despite the crudeness of it, I find that I’m more likely to consider ‘MILF’ to be the term with the more positive implication. There is the qualification that she is a mom that _I_ would like to fuck, therefor she is definitely attractive to me. More and more I am seeing the ‘attractive’ portion of the cougar definition you posted being left off in favor of a Peg Bundy Style caricature. (As gorgeous as I think Katey Segal is).
Also, no reference to Stacy’s Mom?
My younger (only by three years) bit called me a milf when
I had my birthday, and also when he saw a pic of me looking all mumly but still hot. It made me feel great. Having children makes me feel all I secure and damaged goods, but he thinks i’m hot regardless.
Ah yes, Stacy’s mom…how could I have forgotten her? HOTT!!!
And I love Manther! We have to start using that ASAP. For example:
“George Clooney is such a smokin’ hot MANTHER!”
And of course you can be married and be a cougar or a manther, you are just married to a much younger person. Or your “Safe” List (aka the list of celebrities you are allowed to sleep with should you ever get the chance) includes The Jonas Brothers, Zac Efron and Jesse McCartney. Not that mine does…that’s just an example
My nickname is Kitten. Clearly because at 15 (when I was dubbed that) everyone knew (even then) that Kittens are merely Cougars in training. Petra, you’re already a MILF in my eyes.
I was a cougar back in high school: a senior who pursued and caught the hottest freshman on campus. Ok, he didn’t exactly run, so it wasn’t difficult. LOL I’ve always been attracted to younger guys. In my early 20s, I has a license plate frame that read: “Want some candy, little boy?” It was a joke gift from one of my girlfriends. So, I don’t have a problem with the cougar term. I own it. But I’m smart enough not to end up on the 11 o’ clock news in an orange jumpsuit.
As for MILF, I don’t mind that either. When my son was in high school, he told me he heard some of his friends call me that and it freaked him out. I thought it was sweet and flattering–and good fodder for an old cougar’s fantasy. LOL
LeahKitten – haha, adorable! Kitten to cougar, I love it!
Annette – You go you sexy MILF you! Once a cougar, always a cougar, eh?
Annette – with a license plate frame like that I’m very surprised you managed to stay out of the big house.
Personally I would much rather be called a MILF then Ma’am. What is up with teenage boys at the grocery store etc. calling women ma’am? It makes me feel like I’m 80 years old.
OMG, the ma’am thing KILLS me. I still feel like I am not much older than them and they are calling me MA’AM? ACK!
Damn, Petra. I must be getting old. My cougar fantasies (beyond one of my son’s 20-year-old friends) are much older than ZE and the J Bros. I’m rockin’ the fan girl badges of Charlie Hunnam, Channing Tatum, Sean Faris, and Cam Gigandet.
hahahahahaha, hey, I like those ones too!
Ditto on the ma’am thing. It annihilates that good feeling you had from someone calling you a MILF! LOL
i actually wrote something about milfs a little over a year ago:
http://ken-gilbert.com/2008/07/09/what-is-it-about-milfs-anyway
Holy smokes, what a great article. Powerful, passionate and very well written.
Silver fox? interesting i never knew that.
I love both terms. I can’t wait to be a cougar. I always hoped to be a MILF, but I feel like I need to wear more dresses to make that happen, or at least wear fewer elastic-waisted pants.
“When a mom is considered a MILF, an angel gets its wings “–Bwaaa haaa haaaa!
Manther is fabulous. I plan on using it every chance I get, which should be quite often since I live in Southern California. Yep. One just walked by. There’s another.
MILF. When a teenage boy does a double take (espcially when you feel old because you have one of your own) it gives you an extra skip in your step. I’ll take it. But, I may not be the right person to ask as I have been known to cruise construction sites in an effort to boost my self esteem.
I have a MILF sticker on my refrigerator.
I enjoy being a sexually attractive “older” woman, though I have trouble sometimes realizing that I am, in fact, only three years shy of 50. I have young mail acquaintances who use the term “cougar” with a snigger. They imply a certain amount of desperation on the part of women they so label. Both of the men I’m currently involved with (yes, there are two) are considerably younger than I, one 13 years younger and one 24 years younger. The term cougar, a predator, implies that there must be prey, that the younger men are almost victims. The younger of the two pursued me aggressively for months. He may be younger than I but, in some areas, my equal. I feel that the term “cougar” does us both a disservice, stereotyping and diminishing us both.
You can call me sexy, you can call me hot, you can call me someone you’d like to fuck. But, all in all, I’d prefer you not call me cougar.
And, as I have no children, I can’t really comment on MILF though it doesn’t bother me as I’d be happy to be called a WILF.
Keep writing the wonderful columns!
CP – Thanks for the link. Well written article. And those way sexy MILF legs (thanks Crissy) captivated my attention.
MILF: Noun. Acronym for “Mother I’d Like to Fuck,” made popular by the 1999 movie,
FWIW, that term was popular long before the movie. I am 40 and the boys and I had that as part of parlance in high school.
Meg, you rock.
And I totally understand your feelings on people using cougar in a derogatory manner, but I really feel that if we embrace it and use it more in a humorous, complimentary manner, those connotations will go away, and those that use them will be considered passe. Nobody’s going to stop using the word, so why not be part of the movement to change the negativity surrounding it? That’s just my opinion…
Keep rockin’ it hot mama!
Ok, I don’t have a vagina (I’m a married dude), hopefully my opinion will still matter.
If I have the opportunity for my wife to be a MILF (she’s well on her way without the “M” part) or just another over stressed, over worked, out of shape mom, I highly prefer the former! Why not take pride in your sexuality and your body? I know that I will do the same for her…In fact, I’m going to be a DILF (Dad I would like to Fuck) for those young 20 something females out there & and hopefully my wife will appreciate my efforts for her.
Peace,
Chais Meyer
I would be so proud if someone called me a Cougar. I mean, when I think about that kind of an animal, I think sleek, sexy, aggressive but still graceful. How is that NOT a compliment? And hell yes! You should hide your boys when I come to town!!…. except I’m married. Damn. I’ve been de-fanged!!
I’m at the gym 5 days a week just so I can be a MILF.
When I grow up I wanna be a MILF
Petra, I agree with your last comment about embracing the title Cougar. Right now I see the media using it to promote older women as pass their sell by date, with money, fake tans, to many face lifts and manufactured boobs. I think this image covers a very small percentage of the women who fit the true profile. Older, single, successful, independent and self confident. If more women embrace the term for what it truly stands for then public opinion will change right along with it.
I, too think cougars are unbelievably beautiful. Perhaps that’s part of the problem for me. Do we all have to be unbelievably beautiful to attract younger men? Or just men?
I am not unbelievably beautiful. On a good day, I manage quite attractive. I definitely don’t have a fake tan, my jaw line is a little soft and my boobs, though nice, no longer pass the “pencil test”. But, damn, my ankles look great in a pair of 4 inch heels!
I’ll give some thought to embracing the term, though, as I am schtupping the pretty boys.
Meg, I am certainly not saying in order to be a cougar you have to fit into some definition of beautiful that includes a fake tan and perky boobs. Beauty is, indeed, in the eye of the beholder, and is exuded in the confidence of an older woman who knows what she wants and has respect for herself. That is real, true beauty.
So yes, you are beautiful. And a cougar, and there is nothing wrong with that.