My Panty Drawer Revealed!

pinkpantiesRemember how during last week’s post I said I usually wear a nursing bra and maternity panties to bed and you thought I was kidding you but I really wasn’t?

Remember that?

Well, the truth is Toy With Mes—I’m not the super sexy sex kitten you all fantasize about (you do fantasize about me, don’t you? Of course you do). I know I talk a good game about fucking the police and the vampires and watching the porn and stuff, but honestly, I’ve been in mommy mode for so long that I no longer have any sexy panties and shit to wear for my husband.

I know. I’m shattering fantasies here. I’m sorry. Don’t get mad. I’m just keepin’ it real!

My panty drawer consists mostly of cotton underpanties from Target and some maternity ones from Old Navy like I told you about last week.

I’m sorry.

In my defense, at least they’re not briefs. They’re little cute hipster bikini ones (am I the only person on the planet who hates boy shorts? They ride right up my ass!) in fun prints, but still.

They’re not slutpanties.

(Please, stop crying.)

I used to have some pretty hot underpants, but I dunno. I just got all momish.

And the bras?

Oy.

They’re not much better.

All my cute and sexy ones are a size too small and they’re packed away until the baby is done with the nursies and nursing bras are notoriously hideous. I found some very cute lacy ones at Target, but they’re still nursing bras. I guess they could be considered sexy because the cups open up to reveal the boobages, but if my husband did that I’d puke. I totally associate that snap sound with the baby and well, you know what I’m saying.

Ew.

So here I am, desperate to reclaim my sex life after having a baby and thanks to Turbo Jam, Weight Watchers, and breastfeeding, I’m back to my pre-baby body and  I’m all ready to feel sexy and pretty again.

And I need to go shopping.

Wicked. Bad.

But I need a style or, an attitude to go with because (I’m going to shatter another fantasy in a second.  You’ve been warned.) I feel really silly getting dressed up in frilly “I’m only wearing this because I’m gonna fuck you in a minute” stuff.

I mean, how do you do that with finesse? I have a four-year-old who could emerge from her room at any moment and I’d hate to run into her in the hallway after changing into this in the bathroom:

c1

What would I even say to her?  “You’re having a nightmare, honey.  Go back to bed and never mention this to anyone, ever.”

And let’s say I change into the thing in my room to avoid all the potential awkwardness in the hallway, do I throw my husband out or do I make him face the wall or do I hide in the closet…what?  I’ve sort of got it in my head that there should be an element of mystery, anticipation, and surprise to it and then a big “TA-DA” moment when all is revealed.

Right?

But let’s put my performance anxiety to the side because first, I need something to actually wear.

So I went online, determined to find something awesome.  I started with the old standby, Victoria’s Secret. I shopped around a little bit and nothing really spoke to me and then I started having issues because the whole time I was shopping, the mouse kept going “ooooo…look! Flannel!” and it was trying to make me click on their new winter pajamas collection and I had to keep beating the naughty mouse with my other hand.

Then I went to Agent Provacateur and I was all, “this shit is nyce!” and then I was all “THREE HUNDRED AND WHAT?”  When you have a mortgage payment to make and some kids to feed, spending $350 on a slip that you only wear for thirty seconds doesn’t seem very responsible.

So I gave up on that shit realfuckingquick and went to Frederick’s of Hollywood and decided that skank is not my favorite lingerie flavor. Sorry if it’s your favorite, but I don’t like it. My husband loves it though.  But this isn’t about him.  Well, not totally about him.

And at La Perla they want $300 for a bra! Just one bra.  Shut your mouth.

They can suck it anyway because I didn’t like any of their stuff.

NEXT!

And there was no next because I got tired of looking, and I think part of my problem is that I have a hard time picturing myself in any of the stuff.  And if I actually can imagine myself in it, it might not look quite as hot as I hoped it would.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bought something only to try it on and feel absolutely ridiculous.

Clearly, I have no idea what looks good on me.

I’m not really a bustier or merry widow with garter arrangement type girl. I can’t figure out the whole stockings thing and I inevitably wind up fumbling with it,  snapping my leg with the garter things, yelling “OW! FUCK!”  and end up with oh-so-sexy welts on my thighs.

I’m not big into animal prints either.

c2

Meeoowwww or… not.

And babydolls make me look pregnant. Totally not what I’m going for.

I don’t do the whole dress up naughty nurse/french maid/schoolgirl thing either.  That’s why God made Halloween.

So, I’m feeling kind of frustrated.  Maybe I’m just not a lingerie person or a “nightwear” person like the fancy sites call it.  Maybe I’m better off going in au naturale?

I don’t know.

What do you people usually wear (or get turned on by) on Very Special Evenings?  And if you know what will look good on me, I believe I have already shared my underwear sizes with you.

SEND!

HELP!

The Queen Of Everything About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. Yeah, I went through the mykidsarefourandthreeandIneedsomebetterunderwearnow phase, too. Went to Vicky’s with the husband, picked out some “stuff”. You know what I reach for in the morning when I get dressed? The Old Navy maternity underwear. Not the Vicky’s thongs. {Sigh} A mom’s sex life is so lame. Good luck in your quest.

  2. Only you would find leopard print granny panties to share online. and I’m sorry, mommy or not, my sexy is push up cotton bras and hipster bikinis from target. And if they’re not white, that’s risque.

  3. I just wear the flannel. My husband is always humping my leg like a dog, I don’t bother with the pretty stuff, because it would probably make him worse

  4. Aggie- You’re an Old Navy maternity panty girl too? High five, sista!

    Everyone, Old Navy maternity panties are the best! You don’t have to be pregnant.

    k8- I hear ya. If it’s colored or printed? I’m feelin’ sassy!

    Kelly-Hahahaha!!!

  5. LittleTeapot says:

    When I want to feel sexy, I wear sheer undies. However, generally, I don’t have much in the way of the sexy bras and undies. I tend towards something comfortable that keeps my big boobies from swinging around and knocking out small children (as my husband likes to say). I did, however, just go out shopping recently with my husband and asked him to pick out his favorite bra & panty set, and thankfully I thought it was rather hot as well. I haven’t worn them for sexy time yet, but soon…which means my husband will probably tell me they look very nice and then fall asleep. I have such a rockin’ sex life.

  6. OK, lady: I’ve got you covered. Here are three links for you to shop to your heart’s content. Sexy sans slutty (and yes, one of them is to Frederick’s – but none of that crotchless tramp crap):

    Frederick’s Lana Collection

    Sol Lingerie – local to Denver and a bit pricier, but gorgeous

    Macy’s FTW! I love their lingerie department!

  7. macy’s: not just for thanksgiving day parades.

  8. Just get what makes you feel hot. Any (straight) dood will respond to anything more than a potato sack as long as you work it right.

    I feel like I should now write some “you go girl” kind of schpiel to hammer home the point, but I can’t think of anything other than, “You are woman, hear you roar”, which doesn’t work, and “burn your bras!”, which also doesn’t work when you are shopping from.

    Anyway, my point is, attitude is 95% and the rest is just a bit of window dressing.

  9. SkyddsDrake says:

    My husband told me early on that he did not want me to bother buying lingerie because he has a firm belief that he will somehow rip it or destroy it, and it will just be money down the tubes. That being said, when I get the itch and am feeling frisky, I’ll wear a pair of boy shorts (which you said you don’t dig, but I think bikini panties would work just as well), and a zipper front hoodie with the zipper down far enough to show just a bit of inside cleavage. The first time my husband saw it on me he asked, “Are you wearing a hoodie? With nothing under it?” His eyes got very big and wide… Good times. I guess what I’m saying, is that I don’t get all into that whole lingerie thing, but there are other ways of feeling sexy…

    Good luck!

  10. I am shocked Crissy!! Completely and utterly shocked. Never did I imagine my new sweet and freaking hilarious friend to be a CRIMINAL – but that is what you are! Stuffing your hot (worked your ass off to get here) pre-pregnancy body into something the “people of walmart” http://bit.ly/2EH8uE wouldn’t even consider dressing in.

    This calls for drastic measures. Girl get your ass up off that couch NOW and away from the computer screen. It is time to get your come hither and f*ck me body into some sexy – so hot you wanna do yourself – lingerie.

    Go to your local boutique. Where they know all about transforming mommies back into real women. Get those bodacious ta-tas of yours properly measured and fitted into the finest of silks and most extravagant laces. Forget about Ken (sorry dude) but realistically lingerie is for YOU! If you feel sexy in it you will look sexy. Confidence is key.

    Do it now! I do not want to have to start referring to you as Prissy Crissy, but I will if need be. Don’t call my bluff girl – seriously – because I will be in touch with Ken to collect a progress report on this dire situation.

  11. funny thing is, the sexiest underwear for me is no underwear at all.

    for example, there are very few things hotter than getting an upskirt of pantyhose w/no panties.

    i’m salivating just thinking about it.

    most of the time the lingerie just gets in the fucking way of fucking anyway…

  12. Don’t worry Crissy, I often rock the sexy white nursing bra to bed and a pair of my husbands boxer briefs. It is hard to feel sexy when you have to wear those damn boob maxie pads or wake up in a puddle of milk, which I often do.

  13. I have a confession too: I can’t wear lace and all that sexy stuff. I have incredibly sensitive skin and when I wear lace, it feels like I have needles scratching my skin. Sometimes, I even have to wear my cotton underpanties inside out because the printed “tagless” tag is cracking and all itchy (do you know what I mean?). It’s lame and I’m all about cotton. On the plus side, I don’t get yeast infections because my you-know-what can breathe. And that’s a good thing. Much sexier than lace, if you ask me.

  14. Perhaps what you need to start with is a chemise….

    http://undercoverwear.com/mainstore.php?category=A02&title=Chemises

    So if you run into Girlfriend in the hallway she won’t be all traumatized but Mister will still have something sexay to look at AND these are generally pretty comfortable, too.

  15. Back before the internet (gasp!) gave me porn, there was the Sears catalog. Maternity bras were the best! Why? Because the cups UNHOOK! Easy Access!

  16. miss buttkiss says:

    Another Wenesday and you once again did not let me down!!!!!!!!!!

  17. Trust me, hubby would be even happier if you just showed up naked. Why even bother with stuff he’s dying to take off anyhow?

  18. I feel so much better hearing that some of you guys are just as hot and sassy in the panty department as I am!

    Also, thanks for the links, you guys!
    I’m gonna go shopping! Keep it coming y’all. My husband’s credit card needs a workout (don’t tell him I said that).

  19. I feel sexy, when I have sexy undies on. On the plus side my husband cannot wait to see what I put on for the day (heck, you can even play a game where he texts you a daily guess, and you send ‘proof’ if he gets it right or wrong, etc.)

    But, since they are so freakin expensive at certain places, I am in love, LOVE I tell you, with Kohl’s. Mostly because I can actual afford to feed my family after purchasing things there.

    Check out Maidenform’s ‘Be Cheeky’ line, they are thong-like, but with a comfy lace that forms to fit your body perfectly (read: no panty lines). Also, I just bought some of Vera Wang’s lace sheer thongs, (cuz I’m classy like that) and since I can’t pass up a sale, I also had to purchase a few hot g-strings from Maidenform’s ‘Fun, Flirty, Fabulous’ Line (look for a pink butterfly tag)…I guess I should confess, I tend to purchase underware that has no ass-coverage…

    Although, I lose panties all the time, since one of our dogs is obsessed with eating them…which reminds me, anyone want a dog?

  20. Let me know what you find…I wear my bra to bed everynight and sweatpants. I to like comfort and tend to feel like a total jackass romping around in frilly stuff (is he laughing at me, why does he not have a boner yet, I look fat etc….)

  21. kakakakaitlyn says:

    Crissy, have you tried Lover’s Lane? It looks like a slutty webpage, but they have some pretty sexay stuff. And they don’t cost like $300 bajillion dollars. I honestly think the price is right for what they have to offer.

    http://www.loverslane.com/shop.axd/Default

  22. All I’m sayin is that your ass has to be smaller….LOADS smaller than mine……I’m sure you look great in any panties you wear. I mean seriously….I am as wide as I am tall! Before children, I did wear a size 2…..but now….It’s a…….a size……EIGHT!!!!! Yep, I’m a fattie!

  23. CP -Really? So confused now. I always thought that flaunting a hint of the real prize was teasingly a turn on. Kinda like wrapping a prezzy with a big silk pink ribbon. You know something good is hiding inside.

    Sam – No porn? Sears catalog? Let us all bow our heads in prayer for the marvels of technology. Amen.

    Mel – Ohhh – games are so much fun – add in lingerie and you can count me among the players ;)

  24. Baby, I’m still wearing a nursing bra and maternity undies. Also, I am not pregnant. Just unsexy.

    My babies, they need to go the fuck to sleep.

  25. Yeah I have a two year old and four old and my fat ass hasn’t seen pretty panties in about five years. There is just something about being a mom that makes you feel like a walking boob and burp cloth. Wonder what that could be? Kids maybe? My hubby’s turn on is when he get’s home and I am not wearing snot.

  26. I happen to be a fan of figleaves.com. They have a huge selection so it’s good when you’re picky about lingerie, which I am…and it sounds like you are too.

  27. So, first of all, how to present yourself: Your’e totally right, walking by your four year old in pasties is not an option. And revealing yourself to your husband by allowing him to leave the corner is a little too taboo. What you need is a robe. Not a terry cloth number, but something sexy. It should cover you enough to be appropriate in front of your daughter, but be sexy enough not to ruin the mood.

    Secondly, where to buy your underwear: I prefer Express and, actually, Macy’s. When you have the whole sexy robe reveal all you really need are a cute bra and panties, you don’t have to be so risque, especially if that doesn’t make you feel sexy. The key is being yourself, only naughtier.

  28. I have no sexy things :-( I’m 5 months pregnant…anything sexy ends up sliding off or getting sucked in. Or just looks like a frilly tent.

  29. Victorias Secret clearance bin sister! In all honesty if you went to be naked covered in BBQ sauce it would work way better than any fancy undies ;) I would totally do you though
    Love Tawnia

  30. bed not be… bed

  31. Wow you guys! I’ve got some shopping to do! I just saw on the news this morning that those wacky Japanese have come up with a bra that converts into….are you ready?

    A putting green.

    Yes.

    It rolls out and you can putt into the cups. Sadly, my husband isn’t a golfer, so I’m just going to try out some of your suggestions instead.

  32. so i checked out the loverslane linke kakakakaitlyn provided… i think i’ve found something you could use:

    http://www.loverslane.com/OPEN+CUP+BRA/cid=16/page_no=1/edp_no=20667/shop.axd/ProductDetails

    it’s a sexy nursing bra!

    twm: re: naked vs. lingerie–this is a tough decision.

    i DO appreciate the visual appeal of a good piece of lingerie. executed properly, it accentuates the positive and draws attention away from the negative. if i were taking PICTURES, then yes by all means let’s put on something to fancy it up a bit. i’ve found that lingerie shots tend to be hotter than all nude shots, which tend to be easier to make more “artistic.”

    the thing is, invariably the lingerie gets in the way when things get hotter and heavier. at some point i’m going to be thinking about how much article “X” is getting in the way, and how to get it off without coitus interruptus. plus it’s harder to clean than skin!

    i’d rather introduce some other prop, like some straps or a blindfold or a wedge or a speculum. or all of the above.

    IF the lingerie makes the wearer FEEL more sexy, then by all means game on. IME getting women mentally in the mood is the biggest challenge. if she would put on the sexy clothes and go out in public and do her business while thinking secretly about what she was wearing, that would be ideal. make it an all day long mental foreplay.

    OTOH, speaking for myself, i would be a LOT more turned on if my wife chose to wear a solid stainless butt plug and no panties all day long! that’s just fucking hot as hell.

    all that said, a nice short sexy robe would probably be a very good investment, since it could help prevent awkward situations of “childhood discovery.”

  33. A butt plug?

  34. better than lingerie.

  35. I usually find that wearing a vagina helps turn men on.

  36. desperately seeking libido says:

    A few weeks ago my husband and I went away sans children, and while I was going to buy some sexy little thing to tease him with, I realized that I could spend the money but in the end, he just prefers naked. So I went with that. I already own that. It’s not in the same perfect shape when we met, but it still fits and he seems to like me in it.

  37. CP – Oh lala, now that’s a bra! Does it come with the boobs?

  38. I kind of have a lingerie collection. But my favorite stuff is from Target. Lacy, classy (well, as classy as lingerie can be), and comfortable. Plus it doesn't make you look pregnant, or like an underage hooker.

    They change out their inventory, but keep your eye out next time you shop there.

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