Remember how during last week’s post I said I usually wear a nursing bra and maternity panties to bed and you thought I was kidding you but I really wasn’t?
Well, the truth is Toy With Mes—I’m not the super sexy sex kitten you all fantasize about (you do fantasize about me, don’t you? Of course you do). I know I talk a good game about fucking the police and the vampires and watching the porn and stuff, but honestly, I’ve been in mommy mode for so long that I no longer have any sexy panties and shit to wear for my husband.
I know. I’m shattering fantasies here. I’m sorry. Don’t get mad. I’m just keepin’ it real!
My panty drawer consists mostly of cotton underpanties from Target and some maternity ones from Old Navy like I told you about last week.
In my defense, at least they’re not briefs. They’re little cute hipster bikini ones (am I the only person on the planet who hates boy shorts? They ride right up my ass!) in fun prints, but still.
They’re not slutpanties.
(Please, stop crying.)
I used to have some pretty hot underpants, but I dunno. I just got all momish.
And the bras?
They’re not much better.
All my cute and sexy ones are a size too small and they’re packed away until the baby is done with the nursies and nursing bras are notoriously hideous. I found some very cute lacy ones at Target, but they’re still nursing bras. I guess they could be considered sexy because the cups open up to reveal the boobages, but if my husband did that I’d puke. I totally associate that snap sound with the baby and well, you know what I’m saying.
So here I am, desperate to reclaim my sex life after having a baby and thanks to Turbo Jam, Weight Watchers, and breastfeeding, I’m back to my pre-baby body and I’m all ready to feel sexy and pretty again.
And I need to go shopping.
But I need a style or, an attitude to go with because (I’m going to shatter another fantasy in a second. You’ve been warned.) I feel really silly getting dressed up in frilly “I’m only wearing this because I’m gonna fuck you in a minute” stuff.
I mean, how do you do that with finesse? I have a four-year-old who could emerge from her room at any moment and I’d hate to run into her in the hallway after changing into this in the bathroom:
What would I even say to her? “You’re having a nightmare, honey. Go back to bed and never mention this to anyone, ever.”
And let’s say I change into the thing in my room to avoid all the potential awkwardness in the hallway, do I throw my husband out or do I make him face the wall or do I hide in the closet…what? I’ve sort of got it in my head that there should be an element of mystery, anticipation, and surprise to it and then a big “TA-DA” moment when all is revealed.
But let’s put my performance anxiety to the side because first, I need something to actually wear.
So I went online, determined to find something awesome. I started with the old standby, Victoria’s Secret. I shopped around a little bit and nothing really spoke to me and then I started having issues because the whole time I was shopping, the mouse kept going “ooooo…look! Flannel!” and it was trying to make me click on their new winter pajamas collection and I had to keep beating the naughty mouse with my other hand.
Then I went to Agent Provacateur and I was all, “this shit is nyce!” and then I was all “THREE HUNDRED AND WHAT?” When you have a mortgage payment to make and some kids to feed, spending $350 on a slip that you only wear for thirty seconds doesn’t seem very responsible.
So I gave up on that shit realfuckingquick and went to Frederick’s of Hollywood and decided that skank is not my favorite lingerie flavor. Sorry if it’s your favorite, but I don’t like it. My husband loves it though. But this isn’t about him. Well, not totally about him.
And at La Perla they want $300 for a bra! Just one bra. Shut your mouth.
They can suck it anyway because I didn’t like any of their stuff.
And there was no next because I got tired of looking, and I think part of my problem is that I have a hard time picturing myself in any of the stuff. And if I actually can imagine myself in it, it might not look quite as hot as I hoped it would. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bought something only to try it on and feel absolutely ridiculous.
Clearly, I have no idea what looks good on me.
I’m not really a bustier or merry widow with garter arrangement type girl. I can’t figure out the whole stockings thing and I inevitably wind up fumbling with it, snapping my leg with the garter things, yelling “OW! FUCK!” and end up with oh-so-sexy welts on my thighs.
I’m not big into animal prints either.
Meeoowwww or… not.
And babydolls make me look pregnant. Totally not what I’m going for.
I don’t do the whole dress up naughty nurse/french maid/schoolgirl thing either. That’s why God made Halloween.
So, I’m feeling kind of frustrated. Maybe I’m just not a lingerie person or a “nightwear” person like the fancy sites call it. Maybe I’m better off going in au naturale?
I don’t know.
What do you people usually wear (or get turned on by) on Very Special Evenings? And if you know what will look good on me, I believe I have already shared my underwear sizes with you.