My Vagina Isn’t A Rubick’s Cube, Seriously.

Between work, life, children (if you have them), parents (if you’re caring for them), and trying to be the all-around fabulous femme fatale you thought you would be at this age, you’re probably pretty fucking exhausted. Hell, I’m tired just reading that opening line. You and your partner probably come home, someone either makes or orders out for dinner, and you plop down in front of the tv. Maybe someone else hits the computer for a bit, and then, after a while, you reach that agreed-upon time of the day: bedtime.

As you mount the stairs and yawn loudly into your hand, you glance sideways at your partner. Is he horny? Does she want a go? If it takes you 10 minutes to get ready for bed, and another 20 for sex, what time would you fall asleep, and how many hours would you get? It’s like a damn SAT question! “If his penis leaves the station at 10 o’clock…”

Maybe this has never happened to you, in which case, I hate you. But if it has, then welcome to my world. I love sex, I really do, but after a long day, sometimes we’re both really tired. It’s not that we’re not horny, but sometimes if I have to choose between 6 hours of sleep or sex, I choose the sleep!

And that’s where the problem can come in. There are times where he’s so tired, my husband will pretty much flop his hand down between my legs in a half-hearted effort to arouse me, and starts… something. I really have no idea what he’s trying to do to me some times, and the only thing I can think is that he believes I have secretly hidden something down there, and is shifting things around in a somewhat officious manner in order to discover my fiendish plot. It can be very practiced and boring, which can be the problem in a marriage; after a while, you’re less aroused by his hand between your legs than you are by your stock portfolio.

There have been times in bed, because I have no shame nor sense of appropriate timing, where I have turned to him and said, “What the hell are you trying to do to my vagina?” Now, I don’t want to paint a bad picture of my Hubs; he can be a very good lover, but let’s face it: nobody’s their best on a Tuesday night.

So, let me make a case for two things:

1. Throw out your Cosmo. I am sick and tired of seeing the “50 New Things We’ve Discovered!” each month. There is no way there are 50 new things to do with sex EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Out of maybe 150 positions (those “Position-A-Day for a Year” books are a total rip off. Raising your pinky while you’re going backwards cow-girl does not make it a whole new position!) they have about 3 months to get everything in. The rest of the nine months is fluff… so to speak. Throw out your Cosmo, because not every night of sex is going to be an eye-rolling, toe-curling, uterus-shaking event. There are some nights where it’s like scratching an itch, and you just snuggle up with that and go warmly to sleep.
2. Don’t postpone foreplay. You see how it has the word “fore” in it? As in, “before the play, you should do things to help make my bits happy!” At 10 o’clock at night, when you have the kids’ soccer game tomorrow, or maybe that 2-hour weekly conference call where your boss just rambles on about nothing, it’s really tempting to say, “Whatever. Have a go,” and just roll over when it’s done. Well, that’s not good enough. There are times where maybe you can’t give it your all, sure, but don’t sacrifice the pleasure of a night for a couple of minutes. If you’re both really tired, but still committed to this whole “sexy-time” business, then maybe you can grab a sex toy while your partner massages you. The point here is that YOUR ORGASM MATTERS, and once you and your partner get into the habit of taking sexual short cuts and skimping out on the pre-game, you’ll start to find that these are no longer short cuts… they’re now your main roads. That’s what’s called a sexual rut, and it sucks. Just an FYI for ya there.

Clear the cobwebs about what sex is “supposed” to be like (thank you Cosmo), and whether or not foreplay matters, and focus on putting time aside, where you can, to be more intimate with your partner. Don’t start making out in front of your kids, but if you can go to bed 10 minutes early, I’m sure you can find something to do with that extra time. If all you can get is one night a week, well then, make it a rip-roaring good night!

Focus on maintaining your foreplay, or even trying new things. ASK for what you want, or say, “I really like it when you…” but try not to end the sentence with, “take out the trash.” I’ve tried it. Surprisingly: not a turn-on.

Sex can fall by the wayside, or having it can sometimes be like checking off an item on your To-Do list. Make sure that no matter how tired you are, you take the time to get each other aroused. Not only will yield better results in the end, but it’s also a good way to increase intimacy and bond with your partner. Also, though you may be thinking it, don’t say, “What the hell are you trying to do to my vagina?” It’s a real mood killer.