For shits and giggles when we were teenagers my friends and I would watch porn. For entertainment. As a parent, I know most of you are probably all OH NOES, THINK OF THE CHILDREN, AUNT BECKY, because I realize how bad this must sound to you now. Like we were sitting around in togas, drinking red wine and smoking stolen (from our parents) Cuban cigars while watching porno after porno, which actually, we were. But it was that and no more.
Harry Pooter?
There were no circle jerks, no orgies, no three-somes or four-somes. At most, we’d get bored and go naked hot-tubbing and then cool down by running around naked in the snow. While it was tasteless, it wasn’t exactly nefarious. Porn was just something that seemed funny to watch to all of us, you know, it was like background noise, and made us laugh because it was so absurd and cheesy. With titles like Anal Clinic, Buffy The Vampire Layer, and Harry Pooter, I’m really not sure how we were supposed to take it seriously.
I’m sure there were plenty of adults, our parents even, who would have been horrified to know what we were doing, but really, it seemed harmless to us. It was all the stuff you found Behind The Curtain at your local video store, not like snuff films or bestiality. After I graduated high school and went to college, I was knocked back home, knocked, well, up and the last thing on my mind was getting myself off in new and kinky ways. I had my electric boyfriend, Big Pink, and that was good enough for me. Besides, how the hell could I sneak in a sex swing with my kid or my parents barging in all the time?
Porn Makes Me Laugh
By the time I moved out of my parents house, my kid was old enough to be aware of stuff and things, and pretty soon after I married The Daver, I was with child. When I’m cooking a crotch parasite, the absolute last thing on my mind is having The Sex then WHOOPS we were knocked up (happily!) again and so the idea of porn as a sex toy has always kind of been a foreign concept to me. I’m fully aware that my cable provider has a full LITANY of channels devoted to the Gentle Art of Pornography, and while I have NOTHING wrong with it whatsoever, I simply cannot imagine a day when an extreme close up of a gigantic beefy crotch filled with a penis will be anything less than hilarious and slightly nauseating. I get that some people might get a stiffy watching a threesome with ladies who look like they may have at one time been men, but to me, their moans of “FUCK MY ASS AND SUCK MY TITS” make me laugh, not cum in my pants. I just can’t take it seriously.
Maybe it all stems back to Debbie Does Dallas.
That’s probably the Godfather (Godmother?) of all porno films out there, and it showcases all that I think makes porn absolutely absurd. The handlebar mustaches, forever etched in my minds as “porn-staches,” which are now something that my husband, The Daver, often threatens to grow if I actually wipe my ass with his pillow or drain our savings to buy a Fry Baby and as many Twinkies as I can possibly afford. It has the paper-thin plot lines–which have sometimes devolved into no plot lines whatsoever—where random people just happen to start having The Sex, thereby spawning a billion teenage pizza driver’s fantasies. The thumpy, cornball synthesizer driven music that always cued up whenever our horny heroine, Debbie, encountered yet another man she had to hump. The girl was insatiable, I tell you!
The Obligatory Facial
It also introduced me to my personal favorite part of a porn, The Facial Cum Shot. Nothing cracks me up like a good old shot of spooge to the face and a moaning girl to intercept it. Because while I can understand the groaning and writhing around that accompanies an orgasm, there is nothing I can think of that is hot about a facial cum shot. It’s messy, it can be downright painful if shot into the eye or up the nose, and hell, if I’m in the middle of getting my rocks off, don’t take it it out and shoot me in the face. Anyway, my girl Debbie, she was partial to them.
My roommate bought a copy of this highly esteemed film on one of our treks down to Boys Town and I probably watched it no less than three hundred times. Every time someone came over, we popped the tape into the VCR and I am swearing to you, it never stopped being funny or entertaining, and everyone who came over loved it. It was campy porno goodness. We had toga parties where we drank cheap red wine and watched Debbie Does Dallas, smoked cigars, all of us crammed into our concrete shoebox of a dorm room. I have no doubt that she still has the movie somewhere, stashed away.
So maybe that’s it.
Maybe that’s why I can’t imagine turning on a porn and unbuttoning the pants to get all hot and bothered with my bad self while watching a pornstachioed Ron Jeremy have The Sex with random big boobied blond girls in Homo Errectus. Maybe I can’t do anything but laugh at Cyber Sluts Do Manhattan, because I know that my Debbie did it better, before those sluts were even getting their beavers wet. Debbie was getting her gang bang on WELL before Chitty Chitty Gang Bang ever did. So Debbie, wherever you are, you and your cheerleading buddies and your facial cum shots spoiled me from porn. Forever.
So what do you think, my Toy With Me-ers? Is porn finger-lickin’ hot? Am I missing something integral to my porno education?
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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
You forgot about “Deep throat” and “Behind the Green door” and of course “Kinky Buisness”. Ya they were all funny and so lame.
Ron Jeremy’s pornstachio mug and Sasquatchesque bawdy are enough to turn any girl off porn – permanently.
Ron Jeremy is such a goofy guy now. It is almost hard to believe that he was once a big deal.
I agree Jack. Last year I sat beside him in the airport and it was easy to tell gone are his days of glory. I have seen sexier, cleaner and definitely better smelling homeless people.
My sister-in-law met Ron Jeremy signing videos at a porn store once. He offered to show her his cock,and she was all “naw, dude. I’ve seen it plenty of times.” She got an autographed poster instead. I think she made a good choice.
Porn is iffy. Sometimes it’s hilarious, sometimes it’s hot. I do know this, though, once I’m done using it for… well… you know… I get so bored with it.
Crissy, please tell me she did not wait in line for that.
Badass – Sometimes I get porn overload too. It can become quite repetitious.
You know, I’ve seen Ron Jeremy’s weenis, but I think I blocked it all out. It’s there, somewhere in my mind. Repressed.
I think porn has its place, but as a foreplay tool, the written word does more for me. Am I alone?
I agree with Mel that the written word can be hot. And imaginative dirty talk. The brain is truly the biggest sex organ.
Mel & Jane – What books are you girls reading? I’ve never really read anything that got my juices flowing. I hate to miss out on a good thing
dirty talk is even more giggle-producing than porn. how can anyone possibly say, with a straight face, “oh yeah, oo, oo, shove your man meat in my gapper?”
i’m laughing as i type this.
You know, I used to value porn mostly for it’s comedic purposes.
Since I got pregnant, though, I watch the stuff every day. I find it fascinating.
I do love written word. Although there as well, you have the comedy aspect….some of the different terms writers employ are just ridiculous. Literotica.com has a nice blend of good, bad, and silly writing.
I can’t believe some of you have seen Ron Jeremy’s dong! I’ve only ever seen his gut, now I assume there’s a dick under it, but I’ve never seen it.
I have always found porno to be hilarious. There are so many things to laugh at, the cheesy music, the ugly women, the tits that dont budge, and the faces made by all the “actors” I think the faces are the best, they are supposed to be conveying pure, orgasmic bliss, but instead, they resemble the face of a constipated child.
Oh, yeah, fuck me baby…..bang my beaver….classic.
In the 1980’s my (ex) husband was a shiny new porn addict – when you had to rent the VCR and the movies . . . After watching 2 or 3 of them – he couldn’t get it up! What is the POINT! if there is no pointing.
Usually I would stay in another room and read a book, you are right, especially in the 1980’s, if you had seen one of those bad porns you had seen them all.
Ron Jeremy, can’t say EW loud enough. Doesn’t matter what the penis is like, attached to such a slug, who cares.
“FUCK MY ASS AND LICK MY TITS.” There’s just no part of that sentence that makes me want to start humping things.
I guess I haven’t watched a whole lot of porn. I have a girlfriend who watches guy porn all the time… don’t get it. but I’m like you- I think it is pretty frickin hilarious. I think I’m going to have to watch Debbie does dallas now. Where does one rent that? Blockbuster?
Shit, I think you’re going to have to go to one of those specialty video stores. It’s real cum shot to the face porn.
It’s sad when amateur porn found for free on The Internetz is more arousing than the pro stuff. And don’t even get me started on lesbian porn. It’s totally pointless. This coming from a woman who would happily have girly sex just about any day of the week. Truly, truly sad.
Porn with the sound on IS hilarious. My first taste of porn was when I was 15 and HAD to watch a former neighbor who turned porn star! She lived right across the street from me in our $1,000,000 home complex (no more worth that, my parents royally fucked themselved in the ass and got a cum shot to boot since they didnt sell in time)
Her porn name was Barbara Dare. I think she won quite a few pornies. Her real name is Stacy Mitnick. Her mother used to say they used a body double lol. When my friend and I watched one of her videos we realized she recruited ANOTHER neighbor, who did the double thing.
The thing that makes me laugh about the experience of watching that particular video is that my friends older brother walked in on us while we were watching it and was like WTF!! And then was like, is that Stacy? And sat down and watched. He had a totally different reaction then we did. We were still realing from the other neighbor (who shall remain nameless, because she is a NJ Housewife who doesnt need her name named, Barbara Dare is fairly well known, as is her real name)
As for watching porn now. I dont watch much, but for turn on purposes, as a woman, turn the sound OFF.
I have never found one (not that I have seen a huge amount of them) that really does it for me. After a while they all seem the same. And that facial cum shot? Seriously do people do that? There is nothing entertaining about that at all…nothing. OR the scenes where two women are together and one has a big plastic dildo strapped on and the other is sucking on it…what is THAT all about? That can’t be exciting for either of them!
I don’t know….porn has many different functions for me. Most of it is ridiculous but the zoo porn is kinda cool.
“When I’m cooking a crotch parasite” — see, this is why you are awesome.
(I follow Toy With Me through RSS so don’t comment very often, but… hi!)
I grew up in a town out west where nothing happened. Ever. So, when a friend of mine (dude whom I had a pretty squishy crush for) invited me over, we decided to watch a movie. What the hell else was there to do? He handed me his collection of action and sci-fi movies. Hidden amongst cult classics and chick flicks was a porn DVD. Born of embarrassment and the threat of having more of nothing to do, we watched it.
Ever since then, watching porn has become an academic experience. It wasn’t “ooh, baby, I want to make those sounds”, it was “Gee, I wonder if he had a mint before they started”. I analyze angles and sizes, positions and sounds… and in the end, I’m thinking so much about how weird it is that I turn up my nose at any sexual innuendo. How can you think about titties when you’re wondering how much silicone leaked into her chest cavity during that shot?
I usually find it difficult to take porn seriously – most of it is incredibly cheesy. Which is what also makes it fun to watch sometimes. Kind of like watching really bad horror movies. I’ve never forgotten one that a friend shared one night. It was one of those guy-in-uniform cop themes, so of course, we have the ‘cops’ bursting into the house for the raid (What were they raiding? Who knows?) There’s the obligatory roomful of half-dressed women who react to being threatened with arrest by promptly fondling and groping each other while the cops watch, before they begin the obligatory FFM take-down-his-pants-quick-I’m-dying-to-give-him-some-mouth-love routine. Yawn. Up until the moment, at least, that the blonde with the huge fake tits stops mid-BJ to fish around in her mouth and flick away the pubic hair. (Yes, back in the day when people in dirty movies HAD pubic hair.) I just about laughed myself sick.
I don’t mind the porns, could take it or leave it. Am I the only one who finds sexual tension in movies to be much hotter than the actual sex? And why aren’t there any female produced porns that are a little less tacky and intriguing to women?
I myself love watching porn. I watch it all the time. I find it delicious and erotic. And, literotica.com is definitely good for the people who love to read out there…which I think is all of us considering that this site is nothing but reading….
but anyways, I love watching amature porn…it is hilarious! Half of the time I can’t get my rocks off cause I am laughing…but there is some pretty hot stuff in it! I watch it mostly so that I can learn some things to do in it, because some of them are pretty informational. It’s better than just lying there when with a partner going “ah, mm.” every ten minutes. HAH.
the internet is for porn.
lovin’ CP’s Avenue Q comment.
dubiousma – zoo porn – you animal – rawr
tiny_little_dot – Hi to you too. Thanks for following my reader
Don’t be shy about posting comments.
Michelle – “Gee, I wonder if he had a mint before they started”. Lol
Heather – Good point. We have discussed making porn more female friendly here before. http://toywithme.com/sexuality/i-want-porn-for-chicks/ It makes me wonder if guys prefer watching porn alone as a masturbation stimulant and/or would they like to share their passion for porn with their lady friend?
Now, I find porn hilarious or just plain disturbing, depending on the content. The classic old porn, with the giant jungle bushes and the hairy, ugly guys have a special place in my heart, however.
Of course they didn’t turn me on. How could they? We used to get a whole gang of us together in a van and hit the XXX drive-in, do all kinds of drugs and laugh our asses off at the pathetic porn and the old freaks that were getting it on in their cars.
Dude. The gigantic beaves. Man that image just brought tears of joy to my eyes, Lola. I think I need to grow mine back to pay homage.
I had a similar experience watching porn as a group activity. But it wasn’t in high school…it was last summer in L.A. Let me tell you, there’s nothing funnier than a group of 20-something hipsters taking down a case of PBR watching a zombie (YES!) porn. The words “Eat my zombie pussy” are forever etched into my mind.
The Private European movies are generally better than the American output. However the earlier stuff is apparently better than the later where they've gone for a more "artsy" feel. Slow motion cum shots? What were they thinking?
Of course the facial cum shots always seem wasted… in the mouth I can understand, and obviously injected into various orifices is the "natural" outcome, but I don't really understand why they feel the need to cover the girl's face.