Robot Sex – The Future Is Here And It Has Herpes

Sure, your standard vibrators are great, but do you know what your vagina is really crying out for? How about a vibrator that can hold you, touch you, whisper sweet nothings in your ear, and then steal your underwear, run up a pizza tab on your AMEX card, and leave you with the Clap in the morning? Well, you lucky little kids, your day has come! (Pun possibly intended.)

Dr. Ian Yeoman of Victoria University has prophesied the future, and it includes self – cleaning hotel rooms, apocalyptic shortages of water and other supplies, but more importantly, robotic hookers.  Dr. Yeoman, or Ian as I like to call him (we’re cool like that), would like us to know that your human interaction – deprived love life can be as close as 2050! That’s only 41 years away! Of course, by that point sex with anything will probably break your hip and shatter your spine, unless they get started on those brain transplants they talked about in Time Enough For Love.

“You’re talking about extreme futures,” Ian warned, which I guess means we all shouldn’t hold our breath. But let’s take a moment to consider such a future:
You, being the sexy young thing you are (because all humans now live until one hundred and twenty years), are coming home from work one day in your flying car. I don’t actually know that we’ll have flying cars, but damn it, they promised me a flying car in “Back To The Future II,” and I really want it! So, you’re flying home after a long day at the office telecommuting to Mars, when you look down and see one sexy robotic bitch standing on the corner. “Dayum!” you think to yourself, “that’s one sexy, uh… hunk of silvery plastic thingy right there!” So you swoop down and the robot strolls on up to the car.

“You like what you see?” It says in that sexy voice that most answering machines have today. Maybe you negotiate for something bigger here, or smaller there, and it automatically adjusts to suit your preferences like those car seats that remember your settings. You haggle over price, and after a few minutes, the robotic pimp comes over with a giant feather in his over sized fedora, and a purple fake fur coat. Because that would be awesome.

“Everything ok over here?” He says, and you finish negotiating with what looks like a 9,000^th generation blender with bad taste in clothes. The robot hooker piles into your flying car and you head back to your floating apartment for some anonymous and yet somehow still dirty sex.

BEHOLD! FOR THIS IS YOUR FUTURE! As long as you can wait about 41 years. Of course, we’re seeing progress toward such things now, with the first ever on – screen kiss between two freaky looking androidy thingies. Yes, never has a first kiss been so awkward as when it was mathematically planned out on a computer. It’s pretty much like the kiss you got from that Chess club kid in the 9^th grade, where you still didn’t know where to put your nose. I’m not really sure if the video was meant to turn me on, creep me out, or remind me of when I was seven years old, playing with my Barbies and smashing their faces together. Ahh youth.

So, maybe we’ll skip over safe machine – based sex, and move right on to them doing it without us altogether. I have to admit though, that would kinda suck. Can you imagine being turned down by a machine? You see a hot dude at a bar. You buy him a drink. He turns to you and says, “Sorry, Ma’am. Your body shape isn’t in my programming.” DAMMIT! Shot down by a can opener with an over – inflated sense of self! How do you come back from that? What name do you call the jackass robot who just turned you down? Can’t really hurt his feelings, can you? Being me, I would probably go home and eat some ice cream until my husband got back and asked why I was soliciting male robots at a bar.

Then there’s a whole awkward conversation about whether or not it’s cheating to have sex with a machine, which of course it isn’t, as long as you don’t make a regular thing of it and let him take you home to meet his parents, who just happen to be stamp dispensers at the local post office. And I bet his mom would be one of those over protective types, where no one is good enough for her little boy, and she’s all like, “So what programming do you use? Linux?!” and everyone in the room laughs and you’re all, “What the fuck?!” and then the conversation deteriorates into a series of zeros and ones, and you just leave cuz, let’s face it, you don’t speak binary.

But I digress. The point of this article was not to depress you about robot moms and their prissy sons, it was to let you know that in the not too distant future, we may have a glorified vibrators walking the streets ready for a good time whenever you are… and they may or may not have herpes. And poorly dressed pimps. Which would be kind of awesome.

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About the Author

The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.