My husband and I are about to celebrate our wedding anniversary on November 30th. It’s been like…what? Seven years or something like that? I can’t remember. We’ve been together for 14 years and we shacked up together for six years before we got married for the health insurance so our kids wouldn’t be bastards and so you can understand how the years sort of blend together right?
STOP YELLING AT ME BECAUSE I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT YEAR I GOT MARRIED.
The Internet is so judgy sometimes, I swear it.
Anyterriblewife, my sister-in-law gave me this book:
(yes. I married into that kind of family) as a bridal shower gift seven(ish) years ago and since then it has been sitting in our bookcase getting dusty and weeping because it has yet to be used. Yes, books weep. I work in a library. I know these things. They can also lay a guilt trip on you worse than your mother can. They’re very wily, those books. And I had even completely forgotten we owned the book until my daughter was looking through the bookcase and found it and she came to me with it and was all “what’s this book about, mama?” and I whipped it away from her and said “WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CANDY?” because I’m a very fast thinker like that.
Soooo, I guess it’s time to put away my “erotica” section.
But I’m sort of glad she brought it to my attention because it gave me an idea. I decided that starting with our seven(ish) year wedding anniversary we will use the book.
Every day we will do the suggested position.
Good. Plan. Crissy.
But then I actually started flipping through the book and well, um. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t tell my husband about my plan.
While I’m no stranger to the um…back door pleasures (I can’t believe I just outed myself as a butt slutt in front of the Toy With Mes. HI MOM! My mom reads everything I write. She’s very proud. Perhaps not anymore. HE FORCES ME MOM! I’M A GOOD GIRL! I THINK ABOUT JESUS THE WHOLE TIME I SWEAR!), I really cannot see myself successfully participating in The Flying Butt Pliers:
To be honest, I just don’t have the arm strength.
The Problem With Yoga:
The problem is that I’ve been doing yoga for three years now and I have never in all my days seen a position such as that and besides. I tried to get my husband to do yoga with me because I thought it would be sorta sexy and well? He looks like a drunk horse trying to twist itself into a pretzel. Turns out it’s not that sexy. I cannot recommend it.
I object to this position on principle because Nobody is doing Jazz Hands! Anything labeled “Fosse” must have Jazz Hands. NEXT!
Um…WHAT? I’m fairly certain that one is beyond human capability and it probably also defies some sort of laws of physics or gravity or whatever. Actually, come to think of it, I think I’ve seen figure skaters do it, they’re just spinning very, very fast at the time.
Keeping up with the Joneses:
Holy shit, Joneses! YOU WIN!!!
Apparently you have to be Canadian to do this one. Better get on that Mr. & Mrs. Toy With Me.
Bombs Bursting in Air:
Very patriotic, but is it me or is this the same thing as The Tadpole? I guess it doesn’t matter because I’m still not trying it–at least not without a helmet and some sort of mouth guard. I’ve known my dentist since I was three. I really don’t want to have to explain to him how I fell on my face and knocked all my front teeth out.
And then I read the introduction to the book and I guess they don’t really want us to actually try all of the positions and that comes as a great relief to me because I don’t think I’m woman enough for some of them. Honestly, it was starting to hurt my sexual self-esteem and you know what Toy With Mes? I’m beginning to wonder if some of the other stuff I’ve heard of is real.
Like, what about The Tony Danza where the gentleman is “balls deep” in the lady from behind and while fucking her vigorously and with gusto, he yells, “Who’s the boss?! Who’s the boss, bitch?!” at her. And the lady replies, “You are!” and then the gentleman turns the lady to face him, slaps her in the face with his wenis and says, “No. Tony Danza’s the boss, bitch.”
What if that’s not real because I thought it was real and we’ve been doing it and I’m wicked embarrassed now!?
And we’ve all heard about the famous Donkey Punch where, during butt sex, the gentleman punches the lady in the back of her head which supposedly causes the lady’s bum to tense up thereby increasing the gentleman’s pleasure because apparently, the lady’s bum is not tight enough as it is (greedy bastard). And I’m not sure I explained it properly. Maybe Fox News can explain it better.
Do people really do that?
I dare say that if my husband gave me a Dirty Sanchez, I would divorce him.
So, my Toy With Me friends, I need some suggestions because if I’m gonna try out some Awesome New Maneuvers, I’m going to need some help.
Don’t be shy…
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