7 Sex Positions I Won’t Be Trying Without A Helmet

My husband and I are about to celebrate our wedding anniversary on November 30th.  It’s been like…what? Seven years or something like that?  I can’t remember.  We’ve been together for 14 years and we shacked up together for six years before we got married for the health insurance so our kids wouldn’t be bastards and so you can understand how the years sort of blend together right?

STOP YELLING AT ME BECAUSE I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT YEAR I GOT MARRIED.

The Internet is so judgy sometimes, I swear it.

Anyterriblewife, my sister-in-law gave me this book:

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(yes.  I married into that kind of family) as a bridal shower gift seven(ish) years ago and since then it has been sitting in our bookcase getting dusty and weeping because it has yet to be used.  Yes, books weep.  I work in a library.  I know these things.  They can also lay a guilt trip on you worse than your mother can.  They’re very wily, those books. And I had even completely forgotten we owned the book until my daughter was looking through the bookcase and found it and she came to me with it and was all “what’s this book about, mama?” and I whipped it away from her and said “WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CANDY?” because I’m a very fast thinker like that.

Soooo, I guess it’s time to put away my “erotica” section.

But I’m sort of glad she brought it to my attention because it gave me an idea.  I decided that starting with our seven(ish) year wedding anniversary we will use the book.

Every day we will do the suggested position.

Good. Plan. Crissy.

But then I actually started flipping through the book and well, um.  I don’t know.  Maybe I shouldn’t tell my husband about my plan.

Check it.

While I’m no stranger to the um…back door pleasures (I can’t believe I just outed myself as a butt slutt in front of the Toy With Mes.  HI MOM! My mom reads everything I write.  She’s very proud. Perhaps not anymore. HE FORCES ME MOM!  I’M A GOOD GIRL! I THINK ABOUT JESUS THE WHOLE TIME I SWEAR!), I really cannot see myself successfully participating in The Flying Butt Pliers:

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To be honest, I just don’t have the arm strength.

The Problem With Yoga:

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The problem is that I’ve been doing yoga for three years now and I have never in all my days seen a position such as that and besides.  I tried to get my husband to do yoga with me because I thought it would be sorta sexy and well?  He looks like a drunk horse trying to twist itself into a pretzel.  Turns out it’s not that sexy. I cannot recommend it.

The Fosse:

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I object to this position on principle because Nobody is doing Jazz Hands! Anything labeled “Fosse” must have Jazz Hands. NEXT!

The Tadpole:

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Um…WHAT?  I’m fairly certain that one is beyond human capability and it probably also defies some sort of laws of physics or gravity or whatever. Actually, come to think of it, I think I’ve seen figure skaters do it, they’re just spinning very, very fast at the time.

Keeping up with the Joneses:

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Holy shit, Joneses!  YOU WIN!!!

Ohhhhhh, Canada!:

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Apparently you have to be Canadian to do this one.  Better get on that Mr. & Mrs. Toy With Me.

Bombs Bursting in Air:

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Very patriotic, but is it me or is this the same thing as The Tadpole?  I guess it doesn’t matter because I’m still not trying it–at least not without a helmet and some sort of mouth guard.  I’ve known my dentist since I was three.  I really don’t want to have to explain to him how I fell on my face and knocked all my front teeth out.

And then I read the introduction to the book and I guess they don’t really want us to actually try all of the positions and that comes as a great relief to me because I don’t think I’m woman enough for some of them. Honestly, it was starting to hurt my sexual self-esteem and you know what Toy With Mes?  I’m beginning to wonder if some of the other stuff I’ve heard of  is real.

Like, what about The Tony Danza where the gentleman is “balls deep” in the lady from behind and while fucking her vigorously and with gusto, he yells, “Who’s the boss?! Who’s the boss, bitch?!” at her.  And the lady replies, “You are!” and then the gentleman turns the lady to face him, slaps her in the face with his wenis and says, “No. Tony Danza’s the boss, bitch.

What if that’s not real because I thought it was real and we’ve been doing it and I’m wicked embarrassed now!?

And we’ve all heard about the famous Donkey Punch where, during butt sex, the gentleman punches the lady in the back of her head which supposedly causes the lady’s bum to tense up thereby increasing the gentleman’s pleasure because apparently, the lady’s bum is not tight enough as it is (greedy bastard).  And I’m not sure I explained it properly. Maybe Fox News can explain it better.

Do people really do that?

And what about The Dirty Sanchez or The Pearl Necklace?

I dare say that if my husband gave me a Dirty Sanchez, I would divorce him.

Probably.

So, my Toy With Me friends, I need some suggestions because if I’m gonna try out some Awesome New Maneuvers, I’m going to need some help.

Don’t be shy…

Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. so i guess i’m ineligible for winning the cutest little lipstick shaped vibrator?

    we WILL be trying out these positions, woman. if not i’m going to houdini your ass…

    (when doing a chick doggie style, yell loudly and spit on her back to simulate ejaculation. then, when she turns around to look back at you, blast her in the face with your man seed.)

  2. Hmmm, what if your husband is smaller than you are, would you have to strap a dildo on?

  3. You may win by default, dude. Everyone is Thanksgivinging today.

  4. I don’t think I could do any of those, except Ohhhhhh! Canada. Too bad I’m not Canadian. I think you should try the Tadpole and let us know how it went. If you try it next to the bed, you shouldn’t damage any teeth if you fall.

  5. Ohhh… I want that one :-) (I mean the vibrator, not the dirty sanchez, although I wouldn’t mind the pearl necklace).
    “Bombs Bursting in Air”… seriously???
    I mean, I wouldn’t say I’m an expert at different positions, but again, really?
    Anyhow… from the rest of the world that does not celebrate Thanksgiving, thanks for posting in the pre-thanksgiving days. You always make me laugh!

  6. Meg St. Clair says:

    Oh my gosh! I laughed until I had tears streaming down my face. I’m at work! Fortunately, no one picked that moment to walk into my office.

    I’m more adventurous than many but I still feel compelled to ask, “Why?” (And no, I’m not trying to judge anyone who likes complex, acrobatic positions). Does the pleasure really outweigh the awkward maneuvering and sheer physical strength required?

    I like variety well enough but the reasons certain positions are so popular is because they work. Personally, I think nothing beats face to face, trading off who gets to be on top. Call me old fashioned if you want.

  7. SkyddsDrake says:

    Hmmm… One that my husband and I like, not that we have a name for it… He like to put me on my back, kneel close so he can get in my vagina (no bum play for me, unfortunately. He says no unless I’m liquored up and hornier than a horny dragon because otherwise I’m too tight. Still haven’t decided whether or not to be offended by my husband calling me a tightass, but whatever… on we go…). Then, he hold my legs up in front of him, and I cross them nice and tight. Creates lots of friction and get him rubbing all the right places. *Purrs* (Doubtful I described it very well, but since I’m sure he and I aren’t the inventors of this particular move, you probably know what I mean…)

    Honestly, though? I really like a lot of the tried and true positions… doggie-style and girl-on-top will likely always be my favorites. Oh… and laying spoon-like and going from behind… and me kneeling on the couch with him behind… and at the kitchen counter… and… Hmm… When might he be getting home from work again? *Checks clock*

  8. mmm… Ohhhhh Canada! is one of my personal favorites. I agree that The Bombs Bursting in Air is scientifically proven to NOT work. At first glance, it looks as if a counter should be drawn (or maybe it was drawn but erased for shits & giggles) under the woman.

  9. you have to be a gymnast or contortionist for all those positions

    crazy!

  10. At least you didn’t opt for the Flying Congressman

  11. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    The only one I know who could pull those moves off is Gumby and the last time I checked he doesn’t even have a dick.

    Meg St. Clair – By the time I manovered myself into any of those postions (except Ohhhhhh Canada!, which by the way why do the Canadians get the most boring position of the bunch?) after two thrusts I would be exhausted.

    SkyddsDrake – Here’s hoping your hubby saw your comment and decided to fake an illness and is rushing home to you as we speak.

    Rb83 – Wow! That just takes it to a whole other level.

  12. O.o Oh my… If we tried “Keeping Up With The Joneses” my husband would crush me! 5″1′ of 97lbs could never hold up 6″5′ of 213lbs. Being squished to death would totally ruin the moment. >.<

    Although, since I'm so tiny, we might be able to do the "Tadpole". He should be able to hold up lil' ol' me.

    Otherwise, the positions in that book are insane!

  13. Cheryl in AL says:

    I could not enjoy any of those for fear of being dropped or falling. Not conducive to sexy times.

  14. The absolute height of my athleticism was being able to stand up in the middle of a room while holding my girlfriend up off the ground. Having to keep her upright while she’s at a right angle to my body seems like it might be more than my heart could take.

  15. OK, aside from being pissed I can’t win this contest, I’d just like to say…Canada is awesome. I go there as often as I can. :)

    Now go get stuffed for Thanksgiving, Crissy!

  16. I did succeed in getting the Dirty Sanchez out of my head but now it’s back in. EEk!
    For positions, I’d suggest anything with minimal injury potential – not Bombs bursting in the air. More like the Ohh Canada one. Now that one I tried and if prolonged, can produce a pleasurable G Spot sensation.
    Has anyone really tried the Joneses position? That’s like Cirque du Soleil sex.
    Now I’m wondering how Cirque du Soleil performers have sex…especially the double jointed performers.
    Fantastic post.

  17. Those positions would be a lot easier if you imagine some of then done in a different way – i.e. rotate them 90 degrees anticlockwise.
    e.g. Tadpole is now a woman on top variation
    as is bombs bursting in the air
    Keeping up with the Joneses is a weird angle doggy/booty shake hybrid
    Ooh canada could be reversed – he’s one on bottom, she’s parallel

  18. I am amused by The Helicopter. Right up there in ridiculous things that shouldn’t ever exist. http://helicopter.urbanup.com/3603094

  19. Not My Real Name says:

    What the hell happened to just a good old slap on the ass while doing it doggie style? Am I that behind the times?

  20. Ummmm, what the hell is on the head of the dude in the “Keeping up with the Joneses” position? Please don’t tell me it’s a dildo.

  21. You just absolutely made my day so much fun and made me laugh my ass off! (hold on while I chase that runaway ass of mine across the room—got it!). Found you by accident, but am definitely gonna be back often!

  22. Hahaha! It’s a Mohawk. My husband didn’t get it either. I’m a writer, not an artist, I guess.

  23. Since I am not Gumby (though am quite flexible for someone as unsvelte as I am) the shiz illustrated above is way out of my league. However, if you can find an old fashioned waterbed (the kind where you get waves) and “ride the wave” it makes things more exciting.

    For efficiencies sake, 45 seconds with a good vibrator, solo and you don’t have to worry about anyone getting hurt nor anyone getting stuck in the wet spot. (Could that attitude possibly be related to why I can’t sustain a marital relationship? Somewhere Dr. Ruth is weeping, wailing and gnashing her teeth)

  24. I agree, the “Bombs Bursting in Air” does look like the “Tadpole”. Those positions are scary. Very, very scary…

  25. By any chance, did the author list in the acknowledgments the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus? Cuz the only people who are going to be able to perform all these positions are the sixteen clowns who all climb out of the itty-bitty clown car. Though I suppose they’d have to take off the big red nose and giant shoes for it to work…

  26. Is there a reason for the armbands in so many of the pictures? I mean, in Keeping up with the Joneses, they both wear armbands and the dude is even wearing bands on his ankles. Or maybe those are those weights you wear because Keeping up with the Joneses is not challenging enough; real men need additional resistance to make it a workout.

    If you look very closely at The Tadpole/Bombs Bursing In Air, you can see the wires.

    Americans are probably more limber than Canadians because we have to dodge bullets all the time, but is the distinction between the two nations really as great as the difference between Ohhhhhh, Canada! and Bombs Bursting In Air suggests? You could do Ohhhhhh, Canada! while having a heart attack. Just because Canadians can’t tell ham from bacon is no reason to assume they also can’t have the kind of sex you might have in The Matrix.

  27. Canadians get all the fun! It’s decreed in school that you must practice the Ohhhhhh, Canada! before you can get your butt sex badge in Scouts. It’s very practical for doing it in frozen tundra when you’re wearing a crotchless snowsuit and snowmobile gloves. Nothin’ frigid about that!

  28. Are these pictures from the books? Because it looks like you colored and drew them yourself. Making sex books look like kids books ftw.

  29. I think the Fosse wouldn’t be so bad if you were laying down… which I guess makes it more like the scissors or crazy criss-cross. I’ve done The Pearl Necklace a couple of times when the lower region was off limits and I just couldn’t stand the grumpy sex-starved husband… I am not a big fan of it. I wouldn’t suggest it while nursing though!!!!!

  30. Missing from the “Ohhhhhh, Canada!”:

    12 pack of Molson

    hockey stick

    maple frosted Tim Hortons

  31. Wow! Good luck on trying those. They look damn near impossible. Like the commenter above me said did you draw those pictures? I really had no clue they made sex books for kids if you didn’t lol

  32. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    Mr. Toy With Me – Ohhh…… I think it is!! ;) A whole new meaning for giving head.

    Crissy – A Mohawk? Really? Fun sucker.

    Raven Quince – Where does one find this crotchless snowsuit you speak of? Not that I want one or anything, it just sounds, OK FINE – I do want one!

  33. SkyddsDrake says:

    Oh, yes… And now that I’ve looked it up on the ever lovely Urban Dictionary and know what a “Pearl Necklace” is, I’ve done that. It was actually kind of fun, gave my jaw a bit of a break and totally turned my husband on… I find it works easiest with him sitting on the couch and me on my knees in front of him…

    Dirty Sanchez? Not a chance this side of reality… I can deal with all kind of bodily watsits and gooieness, but that just isn’t my thing at all. >.<

  34. Ok, so really you have the funniest columns ever. Anywho…so you know all those are real and some jackass gave some poor girl a dirty sanchez and that’s where it all began. Divorce? Pft, no way…HA! I would do it back and make him go to work and everywhere else like that with an “I love poop” sign around his neck.

    The Kama Sutra books leave me in awe…umm…yeah, I don’t bend that way anymore. And oh sure…those positions don’t look painful at all right? I know we’re supposed to enjoy sex but I don’t think we are supposed to laugh through every single new position, are we? Maybe I missed something…

    Oh, and the Jones so DON’T win, because we are smart enough to give ourselves room to do the position, thus resulting in no chairs breaking and no concussions from landing on our forehead because we fell of the chair when it broke.

  35. You know why they call it the “Ohhhhhh, Canada!”, right? So they can both watch the hockey game. Old joke, still funny.

  36. I should learn never to drink any beverages when reading this site! I nearly ended up wearing my tea. Your writing is hilarious and I never cease to learn something new here. Okay, so sometimes I don’t really want to know all those new things.. The dirty sanchez? And knew I shouldn’t have clicked on that link.

  37. I feel your pain. My hub and I recently got married for the health insurance, we’ve been dating for *mumbles*teen years and I no longer recall which year we got engaged, that was so long ago. If I really want to recall that means sitting down and determining who was dead and who was alive and that’ll narrow it down right there. But not completely bc I can never remember if my grandparents died in 99/2000 respectively or 2000/2001. What can I say, I’m bad with dates. And time. And math.

    No, I’m sadly not joking on that.

    I daresay that the positions pictured above could only be pulled off by members of Cirque du Soleil. While wearing safety ropes and harnesses. OOOO or in a zero gravity room!!! CRISSY!!!! THATS IT!!! These are sex positions to try when you have a zero gravity experience and if you started a pay-by-the-hour zero-gravity hotel with these illustrations hung up like art, for inspiration, you’d make a fortune. In Japan.

    Call me. I know a guy who’ll back the project.

  38. For starters- a million brownie points for the artwork- can I have one to hang on my living room?
    Second- I’d be tossing that book and getting one on tantric sex instead. Less defyingofgravity and more “”O”s.
    Besides the obvious “Ohhhhhh Canada,” I think “The Flying Butt Pliers” looks feasible- not to mention I love the name. I’d just have to do 200 push-ups a day for the next year to build up the arm strength for it. LOL

  39. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    Lily – Sign me up!

  40. miss buttkiss says:

    WOW bake me shake me and make me scream in delight!!!!!!!!!!!!

  41. I like vibrators, and I *especially* like LELO. They are made entirely of win and good, and I wannnnt.

    That being said, by favourite ridiculous sex position that I’ve ever heard of is called the Jedi Mind Trick –while banging your partner, repeatedly yell out “I am not fucking you! I am not fucking you!”

    Yeah, I’m a dork.

  42. Oh for the love… I just read the description on the vibrator for the contest and… USB charging? For serious? Oh, how I would LOVE to explain THAT to my boss!! (Gotta be ready for when the clock hits 5, man!)

    Cripes, with a USB charged vibrator, I’d have a really nice lunchbreak for a change. Get in to work in the morning, plug in vibe, a quickie at lunchtime with my lil’ friend, back to the charging, slip off to an empty conference room for a lil’ afternoon delight (c’mon, hasn’t everyone walked into a conference room and thought “Man, smells like SEX in here”), back to the charging and a little 5PM masturbation celebration!

    I say issue them to the whole office and wham! bam! thankyoumaam! watch morale improve! Ahh, the hummmmm of productivity!

  43. Those positions look like you were sketching me in the process of falling on the floor. Every. single. one. I would try to get in the mood, but only if my health insurance is paid up. Your Dentist=My ER Dr.

    Can you imagine the occupational hazard the vibrator would be for me?!

  44. I can just see it – I go into work with a broken arm and whenever anybody asked me how I did it there would be a long awkward pause and then I would have say, Oh, You know…just trying Keeping up with the Joneses. Then I’d have to find a new job.

  45. I’m the most boring person to comment on this thread because I have never tried many of those positions and to even think about trying many of those positions makes muscles nothing related to sex hurt terribly and that makes me think that sex in those ways would be bad. Yes, I’m lazy…..just get it in there and ‘get ‘er done’ cause mom is tired.

  46. Okay, I could possibly do the plier one, but those other ones require a lot of thought and balance and focus, and how am I supposed to watch QVC at the same time? Ridiculous….

  47. Not My Real Name says:

    I don’t even want to win. All these comments are cracking me up. My vote is for MsDarkstar who wants to issue them to the whole office. Oh, what a belly laugh picturing that.

  48. Peppermint Patty says:

    I accidentally ended up here because I heard there was a contest and I’m trying to fill some time waiting for the bell on my ginger muffins to come out of the oven. I think I might be on the wrong contest site though. Is this the one where you can win a turkey baster? Mine’s about had it.

    A friend of mine gets such joy and inspiration from some some Mommy Bloggers out there, and I could swear I wrote down this contest from a Mommy Blogger’s site she told me about. But somewhere last summer I saw on my internet that Mommy Bloggers are asexual, and this sure seems sexual to me! Unless I’m reading something into it.

    Anyway, if this is by chance the contest where you can win a turkey baster, I’d like to enter. I’m not sure what the question is, but the pose
    I feel most warmly drawn to is the one on the cover. My husband has an office chair (I don’t, I drive a school bus, which I love, and help host in home jewelry parties). I think the office chair would be the most comfortable one and it’s also makes me tingle under my apron.

    Thank you.

  49. OMFG!!! I have that book!! It is REDICULOUS, right??!! I know, I tried some of them and I actually hurt myself. The others we just didn’t WANT to try…I mean, I want to be an acrobat some day, but it seems like you NEED to be one beforehand to get into one…maybe THAT is the way acrobats have sex…OMG…must try someday…I will report back to you…

    My boyfriend has a small loveseat couch which is perfect for humping because he sits in it and thrusts as hard as he effing can and it is HEAVEEENENN and I drool just thinking about it…anywhoo try that one, it makes my bits tingle if you catch my drift…

  50. did the book have drawings or photographs? We need proof that somebody can actually do those before trying them.

  51. MoM (but not the real One) says:

    Oh dear God I am laughing so hard right now I just have nothing to say! Thank you for the laughs…the positions are a bit much and one of us would be bound for the ER if we even tried them! LOL

  52. Pretty sure I just snorted beer out my nose…
    So anyway, aren’t we all missing one of the most fantastic things about that book? The drawings! Man I love that fish smile the guys have. Hilarious.

    Oh, and I’d love the tiny vibe too :) thanks :)

  53. @MsDarkstar only 45 seconds? really? That is a hell of a quickie… I like to settle in for an hour or so and REALLY get IT done.

    I’m pretty sure if you tried that pose on the cover, the chair would roll away from the desk and they guy would fall off. Let HIM explain the injury to HIS doctor.

    I think I’d pass on most of these since I almost broke an ankle having sex in the kitchen a couple months ago. And I just got the bruise from the sharp counter corners off my tummy… besides, the fact that none of those “models” have noses freaks me out. (I can’t decide of an MJ joke would be too early or not… )

    My husband likes when I lie on my stomach, legs together, just parted enough that he can slide into me. His legs go outside mine so it’s tight at can be… my only job is to squeeze… good for all parties…

  54. Okay so I had to revoke my mother’s commenting privileges because she was always embarrassing me in front of the Internet, but I had to share what she emailed me.

    Dear Queen of Everything,

    Nice article. Where did you get the artwork? It so reminded me of the Joy of Sex, and that was a talking book narrated by a woman of about 85 who stumbled her way reading and describing pictures. Of course, I listened to the entire book.

    You’re so creative. Mommy’s proud.

    Love,

    Mom

  55. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    Dear Peppermint Patty, I am sorry to inform you that we have run out of turkey basters. We do however have a new contest now! This one is for a little gadget that gets the juices of said turkey flowing. It’s all pink and pretty – plus – HOLD ONTO YOUR APRON – it has a USB charger! Yes, I know – amazing! Isn’t it? How cool is that? Now when you are browsing recipes you can also be charging your baster!! I just love technology ;)

  56. “I THINK ABOUT JESUS THE WHOLE TIME I SWEAR!”

    Made me LOL so hard!

  57. Dude. I don’t know how you don’t get into that position where you just get carried around hanging off your husband’s weenier. Because, DUDE, HELLO, how do you think I get around the house? DUH.

  58. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? KinkyJew says:

    1. What is the giant pink thing coming out of Mr. Jones’ head? Is that a requirement for attempting this position?
    2. Why are some of the people wearing arm-bands in your (I assume) faithful (crime-scene) sketches? Do I need one too? Do I get one if I manage to do the positions with my husband for more than 30 seconds without sustaining some sort of serious physical injury?
    3. Does the book have a position for post Turkey-gluttony sex? Like, something where you just kinda roll around on the bed together and hope at some point that Tab A happens to get inserted into Slot B? I wanna add that position to the repertoire!

  59. Well, I don’t have anyone to try these positions with- though I think if the one I’m thinking of was HERE, we’d have to try them…even the tadpole…no ESPECIALLY the tadpole…just because it would be funny as hell and we’d just have to see if it’s actually possible. Much laughter would be had…hey…that would be a really funny party game. I could see it now, after a few to many drinks.

    “Hey bob, I bet YOU can’t do THE TADPOLE!”

    “Oh yea? Wanna bet?”

    “You’re on!”

    (I would love to be a fly on the wall at the ER that night.)

    A guy told me one time about “riding a girl rodeo”…I kid you not…he told me “you do her doggy style, grab her hips, lean in and whisper in her ear “your sister does it better”- then see how long you can stay on for.” He then told me he got smacked in the face trying it. xD

  60. Ok you obviously need to get a new book on sexual positions cause those like you said only Gumby can do.

    Everyday I learned something new; “Pearl Necklace,”The Tony Danza” and “Donkey Punch” but nothing is worse than “The Chewbacka” oh wait the “Dirty Sanchez” is worst and I agree to man better try that shit on me no pun intended ;).

    “The Chewbacca” Guy tea bags a girl who is fast asleep, then punches her in the face, she wakes up and because of the “tea bag” her yells makes her sound like Chewie a Chewbacca. If I guy ever does this to me, I will become more famous than Lorena Bobbit cause after I am done with chewing is balls no surgeon in the world can reattach them.

  61. Really? The tadpole? I don’t understand HOW that is possible.

  62. The Trouble With Yoga seems to me like a recipe for “how to break your dick while trying to prove you can fuck like you did when you were a teenager” just sayin!
    That being said…I agree the Ohhhhhh Canada one is missing a tv with hockey night in Canada on a large double double and a maple dip doughnut.
    I have already scrapbooked (aren’t I awesome) wild sex coupons for hubby for Christmas as his gift. Seems that being broke brought us back to the basics…that and I want more sex…I figured the coupons would drop the hint!
    Anyhoooo…I digress! Give it a go Crissy! Do share and let us know how may trips to the ER you make!

  63. Dear Crissy, you make me laugh so hard I have to pee again even though I just went. Also you are an amazing artist. The End.

  64. I love you mom’s email. She is awesome.

  65. While reading the comments and trying to come up with something so-clever-it’s-worth-a-free-lipstick-vibe (my freakin’ favorite kind), my 5 year old gave me a sticker proclaiming, “Wow! You did it!”. However, in the context of this post, this sticker is most certainly wrong. For now.

    I’m totally gonna make hubby manipulate all 5’11″ of me into the tadpole tonight. I swear it. And I’ll only think about Jesus for half of the time.

  66. Oh dear Jeebus I need a Mia so bad. Really, I haven’t had a toy in so long you wouldn’t believe, and the live one I’d been playing with decided not to share his nookie with me anymore because I’ve been all hormonal and depressed about losing my parents or something like that.

    I freak men out, so really, me having a toy would be doing mankind a service, don’t you think?

  67. “I’m totally gonna make hubby manipulate all 5′11″ of me into the tadpole tonight. I swear it. And I’ll only think about Jesus for half of the time.”

    LOL see? It IS a challenge?

    I think it can be done….hmm. How about, he stands behind you, holds your arms. You wrap one leg back around him, jump, he supports your weight as you bring up the other leg then squeeze your legs together. Or just bring up both legs at once.

    Or he kneels on the ground, you get into position and he stands up, only if his legs are strong enough.

    OR, you get a third person involved to help you get into position. Yea that’s it…. “help you get into position”. *raises an eyebrow suggestively*

  68. What’s with the chairs? Who fucks on a hard wooden chair? I would agree to armchair sex. In fact, I like it in the chair. But on my knees on a wooden chair? No. And my sex life decreased dramatically when we got rid of the couch. I had a fantastic fucking couch.

  69. k8-

    “Keeping Up With the Joneses”- all I can think is that’s one HUGE ASS chair. Or two really tiny people.

    That one looks like an ER visit for sure!

  70. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? KinkyJew says:

    k8 – I love that the chair is you’re biggest issue in all of this.

  71. I know of no man who could possibly lift me in that perpendicular position, so that’ll be one that’s never gonna happen…lol. The others don’t look so probable either unless we become gymnasts or work for Cirque du Soleil!

  72. his_baby_doll says:

    OK, so I have to say my favorite…tied to the bed face down, while he takes me from behind, oh god, I can’t move and the weight of him against me is just HOT….but then I love when he possesses me like an object to be had

  73. Seriously – just got an email titled “How to Keep Up with the Joneses” while reading this thread. I spit Starbucks at my monitor. In the office. Nice.

  74. My first thought: Doesn’t anyone do it doggy-style anymore?
    My second thought: I need to do more pushups because the Flying Butt Pliers looks like fun.

    And I like the Ohhhhh, Canada because sometimes up here in the Great White North it can get a little COLD at night, and in that position, dear hubby keeps me nice and warm. :)

  75. My ex husband and I tried a bunch of new positions…one of them included being carried around like a child on his hip while attached to his weiner. Worked ok until we decided to do it in the shower and learned that the wall was not really strong enough. I had to explain to my doctor why I had scratches in the shape of bathroom tiles (my back was to the wall and was now burning something awful) all over and then listen to the guys who had to come fix it laugh and laugh. There was no covering up the fact that this was a sex induced disaster.

  76. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    Cortney – Perhaps that idea should have stayed filed under “fantasy” :)

  77. It totally should have. Fortunately, I learned a lesson and am pretty cautious about new positions. As long as I can’t get hurt, it’s all good :-) This also reminds me of the time I had to go to the doctor to have the massive rugburn (yeah, we couldn’t make it to the bed) checked out cause it was all gross. Different doc, so at least he didn’t already know about the first sex injury.

  78. Sex is already sweaty. Why make it complicated too? Positions that are perfectly “normal” already don’t work for every pair, why make a list and try crazy things?!

  79. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    Yay! We Have A Winner!! Even though the decision was unanimous, the list of awesome comments to pick from made it difficult.

    Congratulations to Peppermint Patty!! You are now the proud new owner of a LELO MIA compliments of Eden Fantasys. Enjoy ;)

    Please DM or send me an email with your shipping information.

  80. Technically Bruce Springsteen is the real boss.

  81. Actually that “Canadian” one is one of my faves *shifty eyes*… but yeah some of those are like… erm.. yeah hunny .. NOT!

  82. Yup, these are some pretty “interesting” sex positions! I’m not too sure there are many people strong enough to hold themselves up into those positions but I am sure there are plenty of people that will have fun trying! :)

  83. I like Cowgirl position the main thing you should do is to pay attention to where your legs and feet are. A very common place for them while in this position is on top of the male's shoulders or just coming off the male's mid-section. Try to support your own body in whatever way possible in order to take some of the stress off your partner.

  84. “7 Sex Positions I Won
    http://tinyurl.com/nexttibs00670 recently posted..http://tinyurl.com/nexttibs00670

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