God Loves You. So Does BDSM

boundThis past weekend was the big annual Black Rose event in Washington, DC, where kinksters from around the country get together to share information, teach lessons-learned, and play! This was my third year, and you could reasonably ask, why keep going back? After all, most of my friends are local, and it’s not like I’m going to pay all those fees just to see people I can see at any regular class, right? But aside from the interesting classes, and the vendors who show up and bring some of the most ingenious wares you’ve ever seen, one of the main reasons I go is because the world of BDSM is probably one of the most forgiving environments out there.

My Religion Teaches That Sex Is A Good Thing

Traditional Judaism teaches that sex and sexuality are, generally, good things. There’s nothing wrong with sex. In fact, it should be enjoyed and explored to its fullest! But, like many women, I still struggle with my self-image, and I’ve let it impact my sex life in the past. You tell yourself that you’re beautiful, or that there are things that matter more than whether your breasts are the right size, or your thighs are appropriately smooth, but the fact of the matter is that, at least for me, it’s an on – going struggle to remember my worth when I see lithe young women posing in magazines. So you’d think that I would shy away from a world that revolves so entirely around sex and sexuality, which typically involves spending a copious amount of time naked… unless you’ve found a fantastic new means of fucking, in which case you should DEFINITELY let me know! That aside, if you walked into any “play space,” a large area set up for multiple people to act out scenes, then you’d very likely see a lot of nudity… it’s just not the nudity you’d expect.

Forget The Stereotypes Of BDSM

I’ve talked about how the media biases people into believing certain stereotypes about the world of BDSM, but I think one of the most damaging images is that of kinksters being all under 35, tight, toned, and exhibitionist nymphomaniacs. Well, that last part might be right, but, but all the rest is, typically, bullshit. In fact, the very first time I walked into the Paddles Club in New York, I was struck at how old everyone else was. Most people were easily in their 40’s or 50’s (ok, that’s not that old, but it was old for me at the time!), most of them were moms or dads, and most people there hadn’t done a sit-up since they sat up out of bed this morning. It was nothing like I had imagined! All the rest, the leather and the lube, was still there, but suddenly you’re walking into a place where, very clearly, your body does. Not. Matter. The only things that matter are what you’re into, and your safe words.

Don’t Judge Me

Of course, I still deal with my own issues; we’d be liars if we all didn’t own up to our own little demons. No matter that my religion teaches me to revel in G-D having made me a woman, there are days where I can’t help but compare myself to others. That’s one of the reasons why I find the stereotypes about BDSM to be so damaging… not to us kinksters, but to people out there who would really enjoy trying new things, but they’re intimidated by what they think they know. What you don’t know is that there are few other groups who are less likely to judge you than this one. I’ve seen men and women who are well over three hundred pounds having a grand ol’ time and running around a play space totally naked. And why shouldn’t they? Why shouldn’t you or I just run around like crazy people with our bits and pieces flapping and flopping as they do, without fear of judgment? When was the last time you tossed off all your clothes and just walked around your house in the buff? I totally should right now, but I’m visiting my mom for the weekend, and frankly, her seeing me walking around without a stitch might lead to a totally different article… or more therapy time.

Come As You Are

The point here is that, no matter your religion or your upbringing, we all struggle to fully accept ourselves. It’s up to you to find a support system that is going to help you get there, and let’s face it, a full, true, and honest support is not exactly a dime a dozen. And while I don’t want to push people into kink who are not really ready or interested, I want people to know that there are groups out there that can provide part of what you need. Whether that be a Stitch & Bitch group, a book club, redoing the plumbing in your house, or joining a kink-based organization, there are people out there who love you just as you are; warts and all.

So the next time you need a bit of an ego boost, head to a BDSM club; not because there are people there who will be heavier, shorter, or whatever-er, but because of all the groups I’ve ever joined, this is the only one that really couldn’t give less of a damn about how you looked… just what toys you bring to the table!

Where do you go to get your self-esteem on?

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25 comments

  1. Dear Redhead

    Thanks for putting this info out there, KJ. What’s mainstream for some is outer limits for others. I just love the fact that we’re able to cover such a wide variety of topics in our columns here and inspire real dialogue and conversations with ToyWithMe.com readers! LOVE IT!

  2. KinkyJew

    @ Aunt Becky – I don’t know who you were talking to. I’ve read your blog, and I’m assuming you were talking to me. So: bitch, it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!!! Please tell me you like to do laundry…

  3. KinkyJew

    Rose – I LOVE your enthusiasm. The link didn’t have any groups with which I was familiar, but that doesn’t mean anything. Another option is :http://www.br.org/blackrose/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=25&Itemid=34

    JD – a “munch” is just a casual social gathering as a meet & greet. There’s no play, no scenes, it’s just a relaxed opportunity for someone to ask questions. You can get a definition here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munch_(BDSM)

    For those who aren’t near anything at all, but want to see what’s out there and meet people in your area, you can join FetLife.com… but you have to promise to email me so we can be friends and I can feel all popular n’ stuff.

    Otherwise, check out groups online, and see what does, and does not interest you. Not everything will appeal to you, which is fine. I hate needles. YEESH!! Can’t. Handle. Needles. Some people find them hot. BLARGH!!!

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