Remember the post I wrote about going to the store to buy condoms and being totally lost and confused in the condom aisle and as a result of the experience, I vowed to have my husband neutered?
Well, we’ve done it. My stud is now a gelding and in 10-14 ejaculations we will soon be able to do the Sexy Time without fear of any slip ups winding up with names and college savings plans.
Free at last! Free at last! We are all done having babies!
(Sniffle. My child bearing years are over. I’m having some mixed feelings about it actually, but then when both kids are screaming and I just wish the Goblin King would come and take them away, I want to make out with my husband’s urologist.)
We were going to have a big party for him–sort of a bon voyage type of dealy-o to give his lil’ swimmers a royal send off, but we thought of it too late and well? Eh. I’m kind of a shitty wife.
But how funny would it be if I wasn’t a shitty wife?
It would be awesome!
He Is A Hoarder
And he really would have appreciated a party because he’s a very sentimental guy. He saves ticket stubs from movies and concerts and train rides. He saves receipts from dinners he wants to remember, and he will never, ever, throw away a pair of old worn out boxers or socks. He has a pair of socks that have so many holes in them, and are so smelly that they’re virtually indistinguishable from a hunk of swiss cheese. When I try to throw them out, he’s all “What? I wore these to my senior prom! THEY’RE SPECIAL TO ME, OKAY?” And I’m all *eye roll.* Whenever we have this problem, I just wait until he goes to work and I throw the thing away. I have to put it at the very bottom of the trash can underneath the kitty litter AND the poopy diapers because he fishes through the trash just to make sure I’m not throwing out any “good stuff.”
Celebrate With A Public Ejaculation
If he’s like this with a pair of old socks or whatever, you can imagine how sad he is that his boys will never again see the light of day or the darkness of the vajeeen. Knowing him, and I know this because he actually described it in great detail at Thanksgiving (you should have seen his mother’s face. Fucking. Priceless.), there would have to be a ceremony that ends in some sort of grandiose fashion– a public ejaculation, perhaps, where he stands up on the table, our friends and neighbors gathered below, and tosses one last virile cum shot on the face of the world (or the people in our dining room). That would be just his style.
He’s into facials. Isn’t every man?
I just got a mental image of our neighbor, Earl, with my husband’s spunk on his face. I’ve just traumatized myself. Seriously, I have PTSD now.
Now you have PTSD because you just pictured Earl too and it freaked you out, didn’t it?
It’s okay, we’ll go for electroshock together. I’ll hold your hand. It’ll be a two for one.
Let’s see…what else?
Oh, the menu!
A Steak And A Blowjob
We’d have to serve frozen peas to eat, of course, and it would be cute because everyone knows frozen peas fit the contour of the scrotum (our friend’s son calls it “crotum,” how cute is that?). Did you know they actually make ice packs that have little plastic “peas” in them? That’s what I got him for a vasectomy present. Maybe I’m not that shitty of a wife after all. He’d probably disagree though. I think what he wanted for a present was a steak and a blow job–a swallowing one. I can tell just by the way he looked at me and said “I want a steak and a blow job for a vasectomy present.”
I may be a shitty wife, but I’m not a stupid one, Toy with Mes.
Let’s see…what else could we have to eat? We could have little licorice vas deferens (deferenses, deferensi, deferenseses?)…oh my god and bourbon balls! Yummy! I suppose it wouldn’t be a right and proper vasectomy party without Rocky Mountain Oysters! And I don’t care what the frosting haters of the world say, there must be a cake decorated with little frosting scrotums and sperms because it’s not a party if there’s no dick cake.
Do you think the bakery lady at the Stop & Shop would look at me funny if I asked her to put all that on a cake? Do you think she knows how to spell “congratulations” or “vasectomy?”
Not everyone is smart like we are.
What about some party games? We could play Operation and see if we can get the little piece of spaghetti (the doctor showed him his vas deferens after he removed it. He says it looks like spaghetti. HE ASKED IF HE COULD KEEP IT I TOLD YOU HE WAS WEIRD!) in the “bread basket” instead of the plastic toast that comes with the game. You know, for realism.
LIFE would be pretty awesome, we’d have to modify it a little bit to fit the occasion though,–”A surprise vasectomy! You are no longer procreating! Increase income by $250,000!” Or, “Too bad. Vasectomy didn’t take. You’re expecting twins! Go stab yourself in the balls.”
The winner wins a shot glass full of the boys. The loser has to drink it.
EW! I just traumatized myself again!
Alrighty then!
I think I’m finished here.
Do you guys have any other suggestions for a vasectomy party, just in case some non-shitty wife is planning one for her dear husband’s big day and she stumbles across this post?
We wanna hook a sista up, don’t we? We’re givers.
In honor of all men that have been snipped I think we should give away a sex toy for men! This week I am giving away A LELO BOB prostate massager courtesy of sex toy retailer Eden Fantasys! Remember boys, a little bum play doesn’t make you gay. Simply leave a comment below and we will choose a winner on Wednesday December 23rd!
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Related posts:
- “Sexy” Gifts My Husband Has Given Me And Why I Threw Them At Him
- Flush Your Husband Down The Toilet
- Surviving A Las Vegas Bachelorette Party
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
Given his predilection for saving everything, don’t you think there’s few special sperm filled tissues somewhere in the house?
Tyler D.-I’m sure I’ll be finding them, like little love notes, for years to cum!
tyler,
funny you mention that… i’ve been “topping off” my wife’s moisturizer bottle for years.
don’t tell her!
Mmmm…that cake looks so yummy, I just want to inhale it all like the hover vacuum I am.
CP – You should get a patent for that!
I think there is a market for a lot of “naturalists” out there that would probably love to have some moisturizer. BRILLIANT!
Im not a fan of the facial but i do have to say my ex sure was. She got mad if i forgot and my load went anywhere else but her face and mouth. That cant be normal.
Whatever you do, be sure to get that last yogurt sling on video!
Also, “Prostate Massage” would make an excellent band name.
That cake looks amazing! And I get super vivid mental images … so thanks for that image of Earl. No really, hubby never gets to give me a facial again … he thanks you.
Omg the bf would love that!
Never no way, no how. No vasectomy for me. You’re never the same afterwards.
Hubby was just saying the other day that he wished we had a toy for “him” too! Think the Lelo Bob would be perfect.
You know, that ice pack thats like a bag of peas woulda come in handy years ago when i accidentally left the bag of peas under my bed bc i was too tired to return them to the freezer at 2am, and then my dad found them, rotting and stinking, a few weeks later.
Also EW what is with doctors showing people what they took out?? Do I need to write a disclaimer to all doctors and tell them that i don’t like seeing my own blood much less my removed body parts??
That is hilarious. You could do cum shots (not really that’s gross.) And this was the nastiest post ever. So many cum jokes. He wanted to keep the spaghetti bits. Ewww.
OMG we’re signing your hubby up for the show Hoarders!
cum shots?! Why didn’t anyone think of that….Bailey’s Irish Cream, anyone?
Love the cake and would love to win BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yogurt Sling? Hoarders? Cum *shots*?
It’s gonna get a real crazy in here today
Yeah. I can’t believe I didn’t think of “cum” shots! DUH!!! Good one Rachel!
Your cumshots could be “cement mixers’.
Look it up if you havent ever had one.
Here’s an idea that I SHOULD have thought of when I got my vasectomy in 2002…
Think of it like quiting smoking…they tell you to save your cigarette money and buy something cool when you save enough up; why can’t that apply to condom money?
So, put condom money away every time you and the husband make the happy time and, pending you’re active enough, he will get a TV for his troubles
The Don
Newport, RI
Did CP save the receipt from our dinner? That’s all I could think when I read this post. I HOPE HE SAVED OUR RECEIPT!!!
iirc ML it is in the inside breast pocket of my black cashmere sportcoat.
OF COURSE i saved it!
Looks like Crissy celebrated the vasectomy by getting herself a little naughty present.
I’m most intrigued by the fact that even after the snippage, there are 10-14 virile ejaculations left. Man, if I were him, I’d totally be saving them up. “Hmmm, should we have sex tonight? I dunno, she doesn’t seem too in the mood, and I don’t want to waste one of the good ones…”
Although standing on the dining room table and celebrating with facials for the friends and neighbors is a GREAT idea for a vasectomy party, how about these:
All guests must arrive dressed as sperm like in Woody Allen’s “Everything You Always Wanted To Know about Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask)” http://is.gd/5qfyU
A ceremonial group singing of “Every Sperm is Sacred” http://songza.fm/~icnjhx
A balloon animal contest using condoms.
Party favors would be safety scissors tied with a gift tag. The tag would have an anatomical diagram of a vasectomy on one side, and the other would be the name Feodor Vassilyev with a red circle and strike through (his wife holds the record for birthing 69 children) http://is.gd/5qgUO
Add in the cake and the facials, and you’ve got one amazing party!
HILARIOUS. I am throwing Daver one too! Except he hasn’t had his babies snipped yet. He will, OH YES, he will.
Nobody likes to feel left out at parties. I suggest a circle jerk.
I am totally turned on by the image of your neighbor, Earl, with your pimp’s splooge on his face.
Anyways, I suggest a piñata shaped just like your Pimp’s balls. Or like a giant sperm.
Also, I suggest that all the dudes at the party do a public jerk-off. In fact, how about a sort of “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” game where the object is to shoot off on, oh, you?
once again the lovely and mysterious stoogepie has inspired me
He is quite lovely, isn’t he? And he always has the best ideas. EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE.
You are so completely funny Crissy! I really love this post and if I wasn’t such a terrible wife…I just might have given my husband a big V party when he had his operation 2 years ago.
When my son (second child) was about 4 or 5 weeks old…..I told him that if he didn’t go in and get neutered that I’d do it myself. He had the operation a week later.
Here are some alternate cake suggestions…
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009/03/celebrating-different-kind-of-v-day.html
Sign me up! Well, my husband that is… Is that a Cake Wreck btw, ’cause it’s awesomesauce.
Chrissy,
I must admit, I didn’t give this to George for his vasectomy, but rather to my mother for her birthday. It was a charming cock & balls made of homemade chopped liver, with a tasteful and large daikon radish standing erect over it. I freely give you and all your readers my permission to make one just like it, with or without the daikon, whichever strikes your fancy!
Doo-doo, twp
the pubes on that cake are DISGUSTING- BARF!
I know lots of adult stores have penis-shaped cake pans. You could get one of those and have a late party!
It’d be fun.
You are a wild one!!!!!!!!!That is why we like you so much!!!!!!!
I’d love to take BOB for a ride! We had no kind of celebration. Now *I* feel like a shitty wife.
For the record, cum makes an EXCELLENT conditioner.
I’d probably want to see my parts afterward (so i could be like “No wonder that fuckin’ hurt!” –But then I’d want them to throw it away.
Isn’t there a shot called a cum shot? I thought there was. There’s definitely a shot called a blow job….
This post made me UBER LOL!!
I may not be a man, but I sure have some fellas who could use that baby! Lelo is thee beest <3
If you’re worried about your baker’s spelling abilities, you could have penis cupcakes and spell the frosting message yourself. A thought.
OK – this all hits a little close to home since my wife has been on my ass to get a vasectomy since our second was born. Not to say I want more kids, I really don’t, but I just have this image in my head of a dog getting snipped against his will. Dragging his tail-end on the cold tile floor into the O-R.
I think you had some important clues in your piece with regard to your husband’s proclivity of saving things. He knows that he specifically has 10-15 good loads left. I warn you now, that little Tupperware container in the very back of your freezer, yea that one under the garlic bread, that isn’t leftover hollandaise sauce.
Finally – A party idea for the newly disconnected. Invite all of your loved ones to the local shooting range and give each of them a 9mm handgun loaded with blanks. Each person then gets a target with a picture of a human egg in the bulls-eye. Once everyone has unloaded their guns relief will be palpable seeing that the fragile eggs are unharmed by the barrage they’d just received. Very symbolic.
I think you’re missing a very important point here: now that it’s a little later, you could do it as a SURPRISE vasectomy party. It would be like, “WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE BOYS ARE GONE! SURPRISE!” I mean, obviously the vasectomy isn’t a surprise, could that would just suck.
Anyway, you could do a surprise vasectomy party, and you could have one of those large posters that everyone has to sign at like, sweet sixteens and shit, and it would be of him doing the “40 Year Old Virgin” face, and there would be images floating around his picture-head of his favorite jerk-off toys: a sock, a banana peel, a tissue, your panties… you know, whatever.
I just think there’s a lot you can do with a surprise vasectomy party, you know?
Blargh!! *could = cuz…. damn type-o fairy strikes again.
Dear mepsipax – You Are The Contest Winner!!
Congratulations!! “Cum Shots” We couldn’t resist
You bitches want your husbands to have this surgery, if anything, to settle the score.