I was feeling a little stumped for an idea for this week’s story, so I asked my dear blog readers for a little help and my goodness I’m glad I did because I got a suggestion that I never would have thought of on my own.
I actually have a Queefie (that’s what I call my blog readers, just so you know) whose husband will not allow her to own a dildo.
I know, right?
Around these parts, that’s like pooping on Jesus!
And when I read that, I was like “he won’t let you what now?”
I didn’t even understand what she was saying, because it’s so totally out of the realm of my daily reality it about knocked my universe all into a kerfuffle. I always thought a chick who liked a little t-o-y action was a good thing, and I thought all men thought so too! Isn’t a woman who enjoys her body and enjoys sex and has no hangups about getting herself worked up into a lather pretty much the hottest thing a guy could imagine? I’ve seen an assload of a little porn in my day, and about 80% of it starts off with a girl treating her body like an amusement park before the guy gets there!
And here’s the new thing you’ll learn today: people have been dildo-ing it since back in the upper paleolithic day, (I had to put my glasses on to write that part. They make me smarter. I don’t know why) so masturbatory tools are hardly a new thing us modern people invented to get our rocks off (HA!) and our knickers in a twist.
Not only does my husband (modern-day caveman that he is) promote and condone dildo usage, he goes so far as to purchase them for me now and then. A while back, he picked out a glass one that’s actually very nice: smooth, clean, and hard–what more do you need?
Lately we’ve been thinking of moving on to a stainless steel number because we’re all about being dishwasher safe around here (message to the Toy With Mes: please, please, please toss any stainless steel toy reviews my way! Even though the speculum my pimp gave me as a present may be stainless steel, I’m really looking for something a bit less gynecological).
The first time I went to an Athena party, my husband about peed his pants with delight and started jumping up and down, clapping his hands and squealing like a little girl. Then, he handed over a check with $1,000 written in the amount box.
Or maybe it was $100? I can’t remember the exact amount, but it was a very enthusiastic check. He also provided me with a list of suggestions.
So obviously, when my dear Queefie told me this problem she’s having with her husband, I was shocked and even a little bit angry. That’s probably because I had The PMS at the time, but I was pissed at him for telling her what she could stick in her hey-nanny-nanny because really? Husband or no, it’s none of his beeswax.
Amiright?
I mean, is she allowed to use tampons or do we have a problem with that too? How about a finger? Is it ok if it’s HIS finger, but not if it’s HER’S?
Don’t get me wrong, Toy With Mes– I’m not trying to slam her husband here. I’m sure he is a perfectly nice man. Everyone is entitled to a little jackassery from time to time. In the case of my dearest husband, the jackassery is pretty much a default position, but at least he never tells me what I can and cannot do.
To me, it sounds like this lady’s hubby might be suffering from jealousy and insecurity that he might be replaced by an object, but whatever. I fell asleep pretty often during Freshman Psych so I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Don’t judge. It was at 7:30 AM!!! Try doing that with a hangover!
Or maybe he’s got one of those Madonna-whore complexes and can’t stand to think of his wife as someone who would–GASP–masturbate!
Or maybe he’s scared she’s going to chase him around the house with it and try and use it on him? Even worse–maybe he’ll enjoy that! THE SHAME OF IT!
Don’t worry dude.
A little bum play doesn’t make you gay. You can scratch your balls and forget to brush your teeth from time to time and still enjoy a little assical action. It don’t mean a thang, brotha.
Hey, I stick things in my bum, and I’m not gay!
(HI MOM! Please remember that I’m your least disappointing child! )
Anyway, being a gal with a big ol’ bottle of wine and a mind of her own, she went online one night and bought herself a new friend despite her husband’s objections, plus she got a bunch of other stuff that they could share just to smooth his feathers a little bit. That was a very nice diplomatic move, so yay for her!
But! She says she’s nervous about the package arriving in the mail. How is she going to break it to him? Should she hide it under the bed? Should she fess up right away? Should she take her new best friend and hide her love away in a hotel room somewhere? Should she give him the Tony Danza and show him who’s the boss?
I don’t know, but these are the only suggestions I can come up with because I’m not a sex advice columnist. I’m…I don’t even know what I am and that’s why I need you Toy With Mes today. I need your input because we have got to help this poor girl have a come to Jesus meeting with her hubby. There’s still hope!
Please feel free to put your suggestions and/or totally non sequitur dildo stories in the space provided below.
Thanks so much for visiting us! We are working hard to bring you the best in sex, snark and hilarity along with sex toy reviews of the latest and greatest sex toys that are available. Never miss a thing by subscribing to my RSS feed, or by having it delivered right to your inbox. Want to get social with me? I would love it if you followed me on Twitter! Have a suggestion? Questions about our sex toy reviews? Just want to say hello? I would love to hear from you.
Related posts:
- One Dildo, Two Fists, and a Night at the Bar
- Breastfeed My Husband? Hell No!
- I think My Husband Is A Little Bit Gay
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Here, I’ll start the dildo stories.
The first time I got a dildo for a present, I was mortified, scared, and grossed out.
And then I tried it.
The end.
The first time I introduced my husband to toys, I knew he would be intimidated. He thought I would like toys better and not want him at all. So I got something small but I didn’t bring it out until AFTER I brought out the two things I’d gotten for him. Baby steps, people. Item number one: lickable massage oil. Item number two: tooth covers for oral… and then item number three: a very modest pink vibrator.
Lo and behold, he like it all so much I ended up pregnant in a month after all that sex. Still no bum play for us though…
I have actually never seen a dildo in real life, just on the movies and your blog! But I am a big fan of fessing up and if he has a problem tell him he can shove it because you don’t want to have to pay for shipping to return the thing. And, as you said, you never know- he might end up liking it… just like my husband liked the tattoo I got without telling him!
I just love your blog. It is inspiring and so funny.
hey, i have a question.
what if she got a REPLICA of HIS DICK?
would that be acceptable to use as a dildo???
i’ve heard they have kits you can use…
Ken, you are one brave mother fucker. That is all.
i want to meet the man/woman who took the time to make THIS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4713323.stm
Okay, so I, like The Queen of All Things, am guessing there is a Fear Factor here. Fear of replacement by the never flacid, ever ready, dildo/vibrator toy joy. Perhaps upon arrival it should be presented in a warm and safe environment as a tool to enhance the sexual relationship between her and her husband, along with the other goodies she purchased. These things are not only “For Her” or “For Him” but almost always best when used for “Us”. When presented as “Look what I bought for us” it spins everything in a different direction, no longer threatening. If that doesn’t work and he storms out of the room, well, hey, at least you have your entertainment backup for the evening.
How about the flip side of this? My wife won’t even consider owning a “toy” of any kind. I brought home a vibrator one time and it ended up in the trash the next day. I think they offend her in some way, but I encourage her to let us experience them and incorporate them into our “love making”.
I’ve even offered up the bum play aspect, but no dice there either. Is there a double-standard that I’m missing?
I really don’t understand this guy. My hubby loves our toys! When things aren’t “working” for him, he’ll help me out. We enjoy some butt play and have an open and honest sex life. I can’t imagine not being able to enjoy experimenting and learning about each other. Sounds like there might be some other problems for their marriage….
@C – I’ll let the dildo slide, but please tell me you’ve seen a vibrator in person! If not, this must be fixed.
@CP – That must be the world’s oldest dildo ever!
@Robert – Women can be very self conscious creatures and perhaps she thinks adding toys to the mix is your way of saying you need more than just her. Perhaps.
Sounds to me like someone has some control issues. I hope he likes Raymundo their new “pool boy”. Or maybe it’s just me who would go out and find “the real thing” if I was handed the edict that I could not get a toy. Yeah, probably just me. But, we will assume your friend loves her husband and doesn’t want a divorce… I guess if she has the option to open the box when he’s not there and stash “her” toy away until after she’s introduced the stuff he might be open to, that’d be my recommendation.
The fact that you incorporated the Tony Danza in this post makes me kind of love you, which is weird because we’ve only just met (I stumbled across this post from the Blogess).
One of my best friends got a little tiny dildo for a gift at one of her bridal shower’s, and her future mother-in-law STOLE it. How did my friend know that her MIL stole it? She caught her trying to put the slightly used dildo back, after the wedding. We still talk about it, and it’s her ex-MIL now.
wow.
not yet mother in law stole daughter in law’s bridal gift dildo to borrow for her own use?
sounds like a porno. but only if both of them are hot.
Srsly?! If some guy (beloved hubby or not) EVAR tried to tell me what I was and was not allowed to do with my OWN BODY? Yeeeeeeah. The conversation that ensued would not be pretty.
Yes. I WOULD get a divorce over a dildo. It’s the principle of the thing.
I learned on a British panel show called QI that the ancient Greeks used to make dildos out of bread. Not sure how long those would last…
Wow, just wow. I feel like I’m watching a Big Love episode and at the same time some sort of bible thumping “I’m the man” class. I wish I had just a little bit more information on her. How old? How was she brought up? Why hasn’t she slapped him and told him to get the fuck away from her and her vagina yet? You know those simple kind of questions.
Dear “Whoever You Are”
You own your vagina. You were born with it, you own it. You, and only you get to decide what and who goes in it. He doesn’t. Some marriage certificate does not dictate what goes into your vagina. I say open the box, enjoy every little pleasure that comes with it and then when he can’t accept that you enjoy those kinds of things. KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB.
Love, kisses and feel free to come to my next sex toy party,
Not My Real Name
A woman’s body belongs to no one but herself. What she chooses to do with it & what turns her on are hers. If she wants a dildo then the man should respect it. I can COMPLETELY understand the issue with a male (no offense to you guys..I’ve had a few beers & I’m feeling geeky tonight LOL) feeling uncomfortable or thinking that he will be replaced by a new rubber/plastic love machine that can go all night. Always remember…we may love our fake sex toys but nothing can compare to the real thing. (And you can always help us use them.)
thing is, guys (or girls, for that matter) who think that they can be displaced or outright replaced by some latex/pyrex/stainless/silicone/wood facsimile only end up proving how little they think of themselves.
this is rarely attractive. unless you get off on some pretty hardcore S+M stuff, in which case it’s terribly erotic.
dude does not know what is he missing. it must be a whore/mother thing. one loves sex, the other only has it to procreate, and a woman can’t be both.
in any case, i think she needs to be caught using it. he’ll def get a rise out of it and it will smooth sailing from there on out.
I’m probably going completely against the grain here by saying she should hide it and only use it when he’s not around to catch her. And also to possibly make sure he’s at least slightly drunk before showing him the things she got him unless she is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that he’ll like them, because to me this guy sounds like someone who would hit you with a Bible for being a ‘deviant’ and therefore cannot be trusted with anything outside missionary. But that’s just my opinion.
I think he maybe just had a gut reaction and said “EW! Those things are for porn stars and dirty people, not MY WIFE!” So yes. Madonna/Whore.
He can be brought around.
hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhaha!
I have nothing else to say- these comments are great and have made me laugh approx. 12 times already this morning
@Jenny Jerkface – Thanks for making the trip over – glad you enjoyed your visit.
@Lonnie – I’m thinking there needs to be a joke about yeast in there somewhere.
@CP – Self esteem issues there for sure.
@pattypunker – Agreed. What man in his right mind would walk out on that?
@Crissy – Thanks for clearing that up Crissy. I was afraid someone might want to burn him at the stake. Plus, I couldn’t picture you having friends who are toy-o-fobic. A little creeped out initially, but not closed minded.
Sorry, hope a little bitchin` is allowed here. Damned, what an asshole! How can he withhold pleasure from his wife? That is like telling someone not to eat!
I really hope he was just pissed off, and that he doesn’t mean it. Else, I really, really hope that he somehow manages to get a positive attitude towards dildo’s.
Really, I am like WTF?!?
Alright, so as a girl who didn’t masturbate until she bought her first vibrator at age 20 (gasp!) and didn’t have her first orgasm until about a year later, I understand that people are weird about toys sometimes. Not that they should be, but they are. The thing is maybe he has this idea of his wife being slutty and/or pornstarish if she uses the damn things. Maybe he was raised in a really soul sucking way. These things happen.
The only thing to do is show him that even the trickier corners of sex (meaning trickier than three positions maybe?) still mean love. It doesn’t have to be a certain way to meaningful. There are some “ahem” alterations .
wait.
there’s something wrong with a “slutty and/or pornstarish” wife?
Ok, so I understand where you are all coming from, now on the flip-side of things, what if I was your husband and brought home one of these, would you ladies be ok with this, http://cyborgasmatrix.com/Dolls.htm . Just wondering.
The dude! You are the dude! If you were married to me I’d be sliding down your pole a lot!!! Bringing home a toy is the biggest turn on! Okay back to the subject. There are many ways this could go, I say open and honest, I’m very open and honest, therefore lots and lots of experimenting *ugh* love them memories! If you hide it he’s gonna thing okay you replaced me and lied to me! I just think he may be really threatened