My Friends Husband Is A Dildo Nazi

NO DILDO FOR YOU!!!!I was feeling a little stumped for an idea for this week’s story, so I asked my dear blog readers for a little help and my goodness I’m glad I did because I got  a suggestion that I never would have thought of  on my own.

I actually have a Queefie (that’s what I call my blog readers, just so you know) whose husband will not allow her to own a dildo.

I know, right?

Around these parts, that’s like pooping on Jesus!

And when I read that, I was like “he won’t let you what now?”

I didn’t even understand what she was saying, because it’s so totally out of the realm of my daily reality it about knocked my universe all into a kerfuffle. I always thought a chick who liked a little t-o-y action was a good thing, and I thought all men thought so too!  Isn’t a woman who enjoys her body and enjoys sex and has no hangups about getting herself worked up into a lather pretty much the hottest thing a guy could imagine?  I’ve seen an assload of a little porn in my day, and about 80% of it starts off with a girl treating her body like an amusement park before the guy gets there!

And here’s the new thing you’ll learn today: people have been dildo-ing it since back in the upper paleolithic day, (I had to put my glasses on to write that part.  They make me smarter.  I don’t know why) so masturbatory tools are hardly a new thing us modern people invented to get our rocks off (HA!) and our knickers in a twist.

Not only does my husband (modern-day caveman that he is) promote and condone dildo usage, he goes so far as to purchase them for me now and then.  A while back, he picked out a glass one that’s actually very nice: smooth, clean, and hard–what more do you need?

Lately we’ve been thinking of moving on to a stainless steel number because we’re all about being dishwasher safe around here (message to the Toy With Mes: please, please, please toss any stainless steel toy reviews my way! Even though the speculum my pimp gave me as a present may be stainless steel, I’m really looking for something a bit less gynecological).

The first time I went to an Athena party, my husband about peed his pants with delight and started jumping up and down, clapping his hands and squealing like a little girl. Then, he handed over a check with $1,000 written in the amount box.

Or maybe it was $100?  I can’t remember the exact amount, but it was a very enthusiastic check.  He also provided me with a list of suggestions.

So obviously, when my dear Queefie told me this problem she’s having with her husband, I was shocked and even a little bit angry. That’s probably because I had The PMS at the time, but I was pissed at him for telling her what she could stick in her hey-nanny-nanny because really?  Husband or no, it’s none of his beeswax.

Amiright?

I mean, is she allowed to use tampons or do we have a problem with that too?  How about a finger?  Is it ok if it’s HIS finger, but not if it’s HER’S?

Don’t get me wrong, Toy With Mes– I’m not trying to slam her husband here.  I’m sure he is a perfectly nice man.  Everyone is entitled to a little jackassery from time to time.  In the case of my dearest husband, the jackassery is pretty much a default position, but at least he never tells me what I can and cannot do.

To me, it sounds like this lady’s hubby might be suffering from jealousy and insecurity that he might be replaced by an object, but whatever.  I fell asleep pretty often during Freshman Psych so I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.  Don’t judge.  It was at 7:30 AM!!! Try doing that with a hangover!

Or maybe he’s got one of those Madonna-whore complexes and can’t stand to think of his wife as someone who would–GASP–masturbate!

Or maybe he’s scared she’s going to chase him around the house with it and try and use it on him?  Even worse–maybe he’ll enjoy that! THE SHAME OF IT!

Don’t worry dude.

A little bum play doesn’t make you gay.  You can scratch your balls and forget to brush your teeth from time to time and still enjoy a little assical action.  It don’t mean a thang, brotha.

Hey, I stick things in my bum, and I’m not gay!

(HI MOM! Please remember that I’m your least disappointing child! )

Anyway, being a gal with a big ol’ bottle of wine and a mind of her own, she went online one night and bought herself a new friend despite her husband’s objections, plus she got a bunch of other stuff that they could share just to smooth his feathers a little bit.  That was a very nice diplomatic move, so yay for her!

But!  She says she’s nervous about the package arriving in the mail.  How is she going to break it to him?  Should she hide it under the bed?  Should she fess up right away?  Should she take her new best friend and hide her love away in a hotel room somewhere? Should she give him the Tony Danza and show him who’s the boss?

I don’t know, but these are the only suggestions I can come up with because I’m not a sex advice columnist. I’m…I don’t even know what I am and that’s why I need you Toy With Mes today. I need your input because we have got to help this poor girl have a come to Jesus meeting with her hubby. There’s still hope!

Please feel free to put your suggestions and/or totally non sequitur dildo stories in the space provided below.

Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. Here, I’ll start the dildo stories.

    The first time I got a dildo for a present, I was mortified, scared, and grossed out.

    And then I tried it.

    The end.

  2. The first time I introduced my husband to toys, I knew he would be intimidated. He thought I would like toys better and not want him at all. So I got something small but I didn’t bring it out until AFTER I brought out the two things I’d gotten for him. Baby steps, people. Item number one: lickable massage oil. Item number two: tooth covers for oral… and then item number three: a very modest pink vibrator.

    Lo and behold, he like it all so much I ended up pregnant in a month after all that sex. Still no bum play for us though… ;-)

  3. I have actually never seen a dildo in real life, just on the movies and your blog! But I am a big fan of fessing up and if he has a problem tell him he can shove it because you don’t want to have to pay for shipping to return the thing. And, as you said, you never know- he might end up liking it… just like my husband liked the tattoo I got without telling him!

  4. I just love your blog. It is inspiring and so funny.

  5. hey, i have a question.

    what if she got a REPLICA of HIS DICK?

    would that be acceptable to use as a dildo???

    i’ve heard they have kits you can use…

  6. i want to meet the man/woman who took the time to make THIS:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4713323.stm

  7. Okay, so I, like The Queen of All Things, am guessing there is a Fear Factor here. Fear of replacement by the never flacid, ever ready, dildo/vibrator toy joy. Perhaps upon arrival it should be presented in a warm and safe environment as a tool to enhance the sexual relationship between her and her husband, along with the other goodies she purchased. These things are not only “For Her” or “For Him” but almost always best when used for “Us”. When presented as “Look what I bought for us” it spins everything in a different direction, no longer threatening. If that doesn’t work and he storms out of the room, well, hey, at least you have your entertainment backup for the evening. ;-)

  8. How about the flip side of this? My wife won’t even consider owning a “toy” of any kind. I brought home a vibrator one time and it ended up in the trash the next day. I think they offend her in some way, but I encourage her to let us experience them and incorporate them into our “love making”.

    I’ve even offered up the bum play aspect, but no dice there either. Is there a double-standard that I’m missing?

  9. I really don’t understand this guy. My hubby loves our toys! When things aren’t “working” for him, he’ll help me out. We enjoy some butt play and have an open and honest sex life. I can’t imagine not being able to enjoy experimenting and learning about each other. Sounds like there might be some other problems for their marriage….

  10. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    @C – I’ll let the dildo slide, but please tell me you’ve seen a vibrator in person! If not, this must be fixed.
    @CP – That must be the world’s oldest dildo ever!
    @Robert – Women can be very self conscious creatures and perhaps she thinks adding toys to the mix is your way of saying you need more than just her. Perhaps.

  11. Sounds to me like someone has some control issues. I hope he likes Raymundo their new “pool boy”. Or maybe it’s just me who would go out and find “the real thing” if I was handed the edict that I could not get a toy. Yeah, probably just me. But, we will assume your friend loves her husband and doesn’t want a divorce… I guess if she has the option to open the box when he’s not there and stash “her” toy away until after she’s introduced the stuff he might be open to, that’d be my recommendation.

  12. The fact that you incorporated the Tony Danza in this post makes me kind of love you, which is weird because we’ve only just met (I stumbled across this post from the Blogess).

  13. One of my best friends got a little tiny dildo for a gift at one of her bridal shower’s, and her future mother-in-law STOLE it. How did my friend know that her MIL stole it? She caught her trying to put the slightly used dildo back, after the wedding. We still talk about it, and it’s her ex-MIL now.

  14. wow.

    not yet mother in law stole daughter in law’s bridal gift dildo to borrow for her own use?

    sounds like a porno. but only if both of them are hot.

  15. Srsly?! If some guy (beloved hubby or not) EVAR tried to tell me what I was and was not allowed to do with my OWN BODY? Yeeeeeeah. The conversation that ensued would not be pretty.

    Yes. I WOULD get a divorce over a dildo. It’s the principle of the thing.

  16. I learned on a British panel show called QI that the ancient Greeks used to make dildos out of bread. Not sure how long those would last…

  17. Not My Real Name says:

    Wow, just wow. I feel like I’m watching a Big Love episode and at the same time some sort of bible thumping “I’m the man” class. I wish I had just a little bit more information on her. How old? How was she brought up? Why hasn’t she slapped him and told him to get the fuck away from her and her vagina yet? You know those simple kind of questions.

    Dear “Whoever You Are”

    You own your vagina. You were born with it, you own it. You, and only you get to decide what and who goes in it. He doesn’t. Some marriage certificate does not dictate what goes into your vagina. I say open the box, enjoy every little pleasure that comes with it and then when he can’t accept that you enjoy those kinds of things. KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB.

    Love, kisses and feel free to come to my next sex toy party,
    Not My Real Name

  18. A woman’s body belongs to no one but herself. What she chooses to do with it & what turns her on are hers. If she wants a dildo then the man should respect it. I can COMPLETELY understand the issue with a male (no offense to you guys..I’ve had a few beers & I’m feeling geeky tonight LOL) feeling uncomfortable or thinking that he will be replaced by a new rubber/plastic love machine that can go all night. Always remember…we may love our fake sex toys but nothing can compare to the real thing. (And you can always help us use them.)

  19. thing is, guys (or girls, for that matter) who think that they can be displaced or outright replaced by some latex/pyrex/stainless/silicone/wood facsimile only end up proving how little they think of themselves.

    this is rarely attractive. unless you get off on some pretty hardcore S+M stuff, in which case it’s terribly erotic.

  20. dude does not know what is he missing. it must be a whore/mother thing. one loves sex, the other only has it to procreate, and a woman can’t be both.

    in any case, i think she needs to be caught using it. he’ll def get a rise out of it and it will smooth sailing from there on out.

  21. I’m probably going completely against the grain here by saying she should hide it and only use it when he’s not around to catch her. And also to possibly make sure he’s at least slightly drunk before showing him the things she got him unless she is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that he’ll like them, because to me this guy sounds like someone who would hit you with a Bible for being a ‘deviant’ and therefore cannot be trusted with anything outside missionary. But that’s just my opinion.

  22. I think he maybe just had a gut reaction and said “EW! Those things are for porn stars and dirty people, not MY WIFE!” So yes. Madonna/Whore.

    He can be brought around.

  23. hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhaha!
    I have nothing else to say- these comments are great and have made me laugh approx. 12 times already this morning

    :)

  24. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    @Jenny Jerkface – Thanks for making the trip over – glad you enjoyed your visit.
    @Lonnie – I’m thinking there needs to be a joke about yeast in there somewhere.
    @CP – Self esteem issues there for sure.
    @pattypunker – Agreed. What man in his right mind would walk out on that?
    @Crissy – Thanks for clearing that up Crissy. I was afraid someone might want to burn him at the stake. Plus, I couldn’t picture you having friends who are toy-o-fobic. A little creeped out initially, but not closed minded.

  25. Sorry, hope a little bitchin` is allowed here. Damned, what an asshole! How can he withhold pleasure from his wife? That is like telling someone not to eat!

    I really hope he was just pissed off, and that he doesn’t mean it. Else, I really, really hope that he somehow manages to get a positive attitude towards dildo’s.

    Really, I am like WTF?!?

  26. Alright, so as a girl who didn’t masturbate until she bought her first vibrator at age 20 (gasp!) and didn’t have her first orgasm until about a year later, I understand that people are weird about toys sometimes. Not that they should be, but they are. The thing is maybe he has this idea of his wife being slutty and/or pornstarish if she uses the damn things. Maybe he was raised in a really soul sucking way. These things happen.

    The only thing to do is show him that even the trickier corners of sex (meaning trickier than three positions maybe?) still mean love. It doesn’t have to be a certain way to meaningful. There are some “ahem” alterations .

  27. wait.

    there’s something wrong with a “slutty and/or pornstarish” wife?

  28. the dude says:

    Ok, so I understand where you are all coming from, now on the flip-side of things, what if I was your husband and brought home one of these, would you ladies be ok with this, http://cyborgasmatrix.com/Dolls.htm . Just wondering.

  29. in it all the time! :) says:

    The dude! You are the dude! If you were married to me I’d be sliding down your pole a lot!!! Bringing home a toy is the biggest turn on! Okay back to the subject. There are many ways this could go, I say open and honest, I’m very open and honest, therefore lots and lots of experimenting *ugh* love them memories! If you hide it he’s gonna thing okay you replaced me and lied to me! I just think he may be really threatened

  30. @The dude: Of course, if he wanted to bring home one of those dolls I would be cool with it. I can’t see him bringing one of those home though! He does have a few of his own toys, it’s only fair since I have dozens to choose from that he can have some too!

    If the dildo nazi is reading – let your wife have a damn toy already! Even if it’s twice the size of your junk, it will not replace you and telling your wife what she can and can’t do for something so silly is just going to push her away and in the end you will lose her anyway. Do you tell her what she can eat? What to wear? How to decorate the house?

    Obviously every marriage has to have a level of both partners agreeing, but sometimes you need to agree to something that you don’ like!

    And for any women out there who refuse to use a toy – get over it. Sometime over your life you have been led to believe that sex toys are bad in some way but whoever told you that – was wrong! You can’t tell me or anyone else that you don’t like pleasure and without toys you are missing out!

  31. My wife wouldn't even THINK of using one. She's old school prissy missionary position only, for procreation. I have ED and suggested it. She has this idea its kind of perverted to have one. What do YOU suggest here to try and steer her into possibly accepting one.

    • that's a tough one, gto.

      ask her to consider a scenario in which you lost a hand in an accident. would it be "perverted" to use a prosthetic?

      your situation is not one where the dildo is being introduced for kink, per se, or as a replacement to be used when she's alone–it's there as a tool to facilitate intimacy between you both.

  32. I think this guys need to learn how to handle and work with his jealousy. While it's ok to be a bit insecure, I think it's not ok to react the way he did. It doesn't solve anything and will only make her carry out her fantasies in stealth, like she just purchased that dildo anyway without him knowing.

    So my advice would be for him to starting work with his insecurity. I admit that I too was a bit insecure the first time my girlfriend wanted to buy a dildo, mainly because of size. With a size of 6 inches and 5 inches around I'll be the first one to admit that I was a bit jealous when she bought one that was 8 inches long and almost six inches around. However, she shared her experience with me, and as time went on, I was accustomed to it and I learned to know that it was never about being replaced, but just something to spice up our sex life, and I actually enjoy trying them on her. It's all about challenging yourself and dare to step out of your comfort zone, I'd say that's the best way to remove any insecurity and to build self-confidence in bed. And that has worked for us. Now she just bought a new dildo, even slightly larger then before. It's almost nine inches long and more than six inches around and more textured as it's a copy of some pornstar's penis. I'm not jealous any more, I know that it's just a spice-up and fantasies. Sometimes she tells me she just likes to let herself sink down on it, letting herself getting stretched completely while closing her eyes and pretending it's my penis. As guys we just have to realize that women do have fantasies about a big penis from time to another, but it doesn't means she's looking for a replacement.

  33. I think that, considering his feeling on the subject and the fact that he was being honest with her should be enough reason for her to forget about the whole thing. Why would she blatantly do something that would obviously upset her husband? She is not the only one in the marriage and she is not the only one who has a say in “who
    And what goes inside her” as someone up there said. “It’s her body and she can do what she wants with it”????? What the hell does that mean?? Can she post nude pics of herself online? No. Can she have affairs simply because she wants to? No. Can she
    Become a stripper? No. Here’s why……..they’re MARRIED! And being married means to be courteous and consider your spouses feelings. When you’re married you can’t just simply “do as you wish”. Nothing in the world gives you the right to hurt your partner in any way. Perhaps this man views this as cheating on him. Maybe all you up there should consider it that way. If she’s using this thing while he’s not around, she’s having some type of sex in his absence. He has a right to feel that way. I would too. Especially if it was bigger or better than I am. However, if it was a clone and she only used it in his presence, he might view it differently, as would I.
    Thank you

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