So.
Tiger Woods, right?
Normally, I don’t really give two shits about four shits (I don’t know what that means either) when it comes to celebrity sex scandals ( I’ve got my own sex scandals to worry about, thanks for asking), but everyone is talking about how the Tiger is now a Cheetah or a Cheater or whatever that stupid joke is, and so I guess I will too. I’ll spare you the whole low-down on the show down with the ho down on the down low or whatever because holy crackers it’s a fucking circus! I’m just patiently waiting for the sex tape to come out.
You know there’s got to be a sex tape, right?
Everyone knows you cannot have a right and proper sex scandal without a tape. We can’t be having just a bunch of emails and “sexts.” I’ve read the excerpts and I’m not impressed. Tiger, please. I’ve sent dirtier messages to my mom. So far, you’re an amateur at being a low down dirty dog.
I’m getting sick of hearing about it, to be honest, and if Tiger winds up crying on Oprah, I’m gonna puke.
Or what if the wife does? I’m tired of everyone feeling super sorry for the wife. I was listening to the radio a few days ago and they were talking about her, and one of the disc jockeys, a guy, actually got all verklempt talking about how sad her situation is and I’m just like, OH CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER!
She’s tall.
She’s blond.
She’s beautiful.
She’s got Mr. Tiger Fucking Woods by the golf balls!
Who wouldn’t want to be her? There are three (certainly more) chicks out there just dying to be in her Jimmy Choos.
She’s being offered crazy-stupid money to stay with him. And if she leaves him, the divorce settlement will be unfuckingbelievable. So what if he broke her heart? Go cry in a bag of money. Blow your nose in a $50, and do a rail off the tight, tanned ass of your pool boy. You’ll feel better. Promise.
I think she owes Tiger a great big muffin basket for what he did to her because Girlfriend is gonna be just fine no matter what she chooses to do about her husband doing the bump and run with anything in a skirt. And by anything, I do mean anything. Isn’t one a proverbial cocktail waitress or something? Dude cheated on her with a cocktail waitress? Good fucking riddance, sister. (If you’re a cocktail waitress, I’m sorry but you need a new job. They have a bad reputation, those cocktail waitresses.)
Remember Hugh Grant? He cheated on ELIZABETH HURLEY with some old hooker. The hell was he thinking? Clearly, these indiscretions have nothing to do with the women they’re cheating on. It’s all about the guy being a jackass and thinking he can get away with it because he’s Mister Man.
Why did she even marry him in the first place? He’s always come off as an asexual jerk to me and he’s not even good looking! I guess millions and millions of dollars can turn a geek into a total stud muffin! Who knew?
You can’t tell me she didn’t know who she was marrying. Seriously, what did she expect? All these celebrity jocks have an entourage of sluts. It’s par for the course! (Oof. That was bad. Sorry)
What’s more is I don’t believe that fakakta story about her trying to smash out the window of the Escalade to save his life. That smells of shit to me.
Here’s what I think happened: one of his lady friends called in the middle of the night, wifey got pissed, and there was a fight. She chased his ass out of the house while swinging a golf club and Tiger tried to take off in his car. Hilarity ensues when he freaks the fuck out and hits something. Does anyone here really believe she used that club to try and smash out the window to save his life after he crashed into a fire hydrant or whatever? The dude was in a fucking Escalade! This was not an emergency situation, unless she was trying to beat his head in with a golf club. Then, I guess, it was an emergency.
What crossed Elin’s mind as she stood there with a golf club in her hand as she heard his lame excuses? “Just do it…”
Hahahahahahaha! I got that in an email.
But she wasn’t fast enough, and the po-po arrived. Too bad. It would have been a way better story if she’d have stuffed that club right up his hole in one.
So yeah. That’s what I think really happened. It’s just a hunch, but I can prove it because I just know things.
I kind of hope she doesn’t stay with him because if she does, what is she teaching the kids? I wouldn’t want my kids to know that mommy and daddy are together because daddy pays mommy a lot of money to put up with his philandering bullshit and that mommy and daddy only have Play Throughs once a month to keep up appearances. What is that teaching them about marriage, love, commitment and money? Nothing good, you guys. Nothing good. And I don’t believe all the crap about marriage counseling to try and fix it. There’s no working on your marriage after all this. It’s toast. You can’t take a Mulligan–it’s time to forfeit.
Anyway, I can’t wait for the sex tape to come out and I hope Tiger is secretly a very dirty birdie because then I would know there is a God and she’s just hooking my shit up.
So those are my random thoughts on the Tiger Woods circus. What are yours? Let’s talk some shit!
If I like your comment I may even send you a dildo. Yeah, you heard me me. A dildo. The fine sex toy retailer Eden Fantasys is generously offering a LELO ELLA to one of you lucky perverts. Based on what Toy With Me said when she took the LELO ELLA out for a test drive , you WANT this toy. Winner will be announced Wednesday December 16th.
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About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger.
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t want to sound really mean or anything but I have noticed a disturbing North American trend: wronged wives staying with men. At least that is the view that the media broadcasts as the ideal: woman tolerating narcissistic men.
I mean, look at Hillary Clinton. Back in his day, her husband was like Tiger Woods. A string of women came out and started about their affairs.
Hopefully Tiger Woods’ wife doesn’t follow the the Tammy Wynette song, but on the other hand the problem with these high profile women or women who have high profiles as a result of marriage (it was their choice) is that, unless they’re Hillary (and this is why her choice to say with her womaniser was annoying), with a college degree or profession, they don’t have anything else to fall back on. Can you imagine it? Rich ex-wives working in a call center? At the core of it, I think many women stay for the money. As bleak as that may seem, it’s the logical option. Money buys distance from the media and security. If his wife decided on an average life, she wouldn’t be able to survive the media crush.
I think there is a sex tape out there. If he is busy exchanging images via his cell phone, there’s got to be a sex tape. Question is, do we really want to see a Tiger sex tape?
Dee Stern: I wanna see the sex tape! I’m hoping the Gosselins are in it. Also, I hate that “stand by your man” bullshit all these women are pulling. It makes them look like fools.
it’s up to 9 now:
http://theproducers.weei.com/sports/boston/dennis-and-callahan/tigers-front-9/
frankly i’m impressed. the dude plays the shit out of golf, AND he has time to keep all these hotties on the side!
I think his punishment should be that she gets to play 18 holes of golf with his ACTUAL balls.
Hehe. You said CRACKERS in a post about a black man. That’s some funny shit right there. And stand by your man? No fucking way.
Oh, and my bullet vibrator broke and I’m way too ashamed to go in the SEX STORE and buy another one. Just saying.
I am equally impressed
He manages to juggle 6,7,8+ other women and yet he still kicked everyone else’s ass on the golf course
I still can’t believe he managed to keep his image so squeaky clean for so long
I just wonder how Elin let it get up to the 9 or 10 or whatever before she attacked with a golf club. Personally, my number that would break the camel’s back is waaaay lower than 9 or 10. And what about variety? I mean, most of these chicks look just like his wife. Isn’t cheating about getting some strange, not getting something that looks like your wife but isn’t your wife? For that, you could just ask the wife to put on a pair of glasses or something. Sheesh.
First off, please no more puns. Actually I loved them. How weird. I too blogged about the cat. Cheating is for douches. But who the fuck cares. This is bullshit. News is worthless.
Uh K8, you can buy one here, I won’t tell.
I feel no pitty for the wife. You marry a sports star forget the freak out and the shock syndrome lady, as Crissy said “it’s par for the course.”
I love money as much as the next MILF but seriously I have standards, so Tiger can keep his mulah because there is no way his club is coming anywhere near this hole.
I less than 3 that you used verklempt in your blog.
The best thing I’ve heard about this whole fiasco was one woman going on about what an amateur idiot Tiger was for not sleeping around with professional call girls. The pros don’t blab. The cocktail waitresses on the other hand, this is their pay day. If they don’t get to be Tigers arm candy then it’s time to make the bucks.
And I cannot believe for a second that anyone actually thinks she was trying to save him with that golf club. He may have been screaming “Save me Jesus” at the top of his lungs, but it wasn’t the fire hydrant he wanted to be saved from.
..I don’t know much about golf but I am curious.. what type of club did she use?
It’s easy to judge celebs. Obviously he pulled a dick move and obviously, she’ll be well off no matter but it still could be that she did love him and that does totally blow. It would totally suck to be her. I’m no Mrs Woods, but having gone through infidelity, it’s hard not to feel some sympathy for the woman even if she is scroogily counting away her financial gain from this incident.
I’m tired of celebrities ruining the sanctity of marriage. I think there should be some sort of federal law prohibiting famous people from getting married.
WHO’S WITH ME?!?!
He runs his car into a tree and now everything thinks he has like four mistresses? Obviously, the media is just begging for new news. However, some of it must be true because he posted an apology on his website.
Either way. It’s Tiger Woods. He plays GOLF. Can we worry about something more….important?
I’m with you *almost* all the way. I’m getting tired of hearing about this stupid, boring story too.
The only thing that I’m not with you on, though, is the general idea that it’s HILARIOUS that she may have smashed in the window of his car with a golf club because she was angry. If it had been TIGER with the club and HIS WIFE in the car, we’d all be singing a different tune. It wouldn’t be funny – it would be yet another case of a crazy, violent man freaking on his wife because she won’t stay in line, and we would all be screaming for his head on a stake. As far as I’m concerned, if the allegations are true, Tiger’s wife is right up there with Chris Brown on the list of candidates for Asshole of the Year. I don’t care how many times you cheat, you do not EVER deserve to be threatened with violence. Take his money, take his kids, ruin his reputation, but DO NOT beat him. Domestic voilence is not cool, no matter whether it’s from the man or the woman.
And this?: “It would have been a way better story if she’d have stuffed that club right up his hole in one” is **RAPE with a foreign object**. Not “hilarity”. I appreciate the attempt at humour (and the pun is quite well done), but I think it fell short of the mark. Rape isn’t funny… ever.
But otherwise, I’m with you. This story definitely needs a sex tape and/or a tanned and tight-assed pool boy to spice it up. *yawn*
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A WELL-REVIEWED DILDO! Except I don’t want the one they *used* for the review. Nor do I want to ask my mom, step-dad, grandmother or neighbor to send one over in a tin Christmas box.
So, it’d be easier to win one.
Although I could ask the Hubster… nah.
Here are my comments from Twitter this morning: This whole Tiger Woods thing is a big misunderstanding. He was just casting for a new reality show on VH1 called, “Caddy my balls” or “22 holes of love with Tiger.”
I only want a dildo if it’s Tiger sized.
Let’s start with the fact that the guy’s name is TIGER for fuck’s sake. And regardless of the fact that he looks like he’s running for Treasurer of his 9th grade class, he’s a professional athlete … which is sort of like being a depressed artist or having your own show on The Food Network. It makes panties fall off and women want to give you big sloppy hugs with their mouths.
Just sayin’ ….
I think its funny all the guys who keep saying how impressed they are that he could juggle like 20 chicks…uh apparently he couldn’t. Clearly he fucked it up. Also with a combination of vicodin and alcohol…how do you stop drooling to even have an argument? (that may be heresay…the vicodin part)
I’d sleep with him.
mel is wrong.
tiger woods getting anally raped with a driver or a brassie IS fucking funny.
i can tell because i lolled.
Thanks honey, I lolled too. And when I wrote it, daughter #1 asked “are you laughing at yourself again?”
Well lets face it Tiger knew what he was doing and if there is a sex tape, I will watch it too. Wonder if he can drive a boat like Tommy can? I heard that the new acronym for the PGA is Professional Groupies Association!! We have puck fucks in hockey, so why not ball washers in golf!!
Crissy…..wow. You are amazing. I love all the golf jokes you put into this piece of writing. You make me laugh in so many different ways. I think you are right with every word you posted.
DCUrbanDad – I’d watch that sex tape!
Rebecca – So true. Crissy is full of awesomeness.
One more vote for the cheesy puns! I liked them, more please!
Gosh you guys! I took some of the cheesy puns out for you–I thought it would be too much! Hahahahaha!
Completely right about the sex tape- COMPLETELY. I hadn’t even thought of that.
Did you hear that Tiger Woods has decided to change his name and lie low for a while? Yeah, he’s changing it to CHEETAH.
…sorry, you probably heard that one. couldn’t resist.
lol
Personally I don’t care … I think he had pussy thrown at him every single day and he managed to turn down at least a little of it. Elin should leave his ass because he is a little bitch … but I just am tired of hearing about it.
… but if they bring out that sex tape you have GOT to let me know!
I’m so sick of hearing about him. Really who gives a shit. I can’t se why this is important to anyone. Men and Women everyday cheat on their spouses. It’s nothing new at all.
Well played Elin! I suspect that she knew from day 1 that she was setting herself up for a healthy paycheck. She probably banked on him sticking his dick in every cup he could find so good on her! I think she’s a genius and I only wish I had thought of it first.
Blowing noses with $50 bills? Looks like I need to pick trash in a new neighborhood!
and Mel is right that rape isn’t funny…but really? Even I knew it was funny THAT time.
Any sadness I may have possibly thought of having for her went out the fucking window when the news reported she was taking the kids and leaving, to a house on a private fucking island… And tiger’s goofy ass doing hit and runs on anything that cane by and not having the hush money ready to keep them quiet long time ago (as in right after the deed, seriously if after a tryst he dropped like 25g on the bed and walked out each time, would these women be so forward in ratting him out and admitting to be paid for talent?) makes him a dumb cub.
This Tiger Woods thing is all OVER the radio around here…and probably everywhere. It’s starting to get on my nerves…I happened by one site that posted an article about how they’re sick of hearing about Tiger Woods…the kicker is that same site has an entire SECTION devoted exclusively to John and Kate Gosslin. Hypocrite much? *shudder*
Being PAID to stay with your husband is just…well I have no words for how f*cked up that is…well one…”escort” springs to mind….
I for one, wouldn’t want to be her. I don’t feel sorry for her in the least…but I wouldn’t want to be her.
I’m just wondering when its the wife’s turn. When can we do it and it be ok? You know Tiger is going to make out just fine with this in the end.
I don’t care what goes on in anyone else’s bedroom and hope no one cares what is (or isn’t) going on in mine. Not my business.
It’s been my experience (looking at the relationships of people I know) that there are very, very few long-term relationships where one or the other doesn’t eventually cheat. Not trying to say that it is GOOD or RIGHT, just seems to be the way things work out. I think adding “celebrity” to the mix and trying to imagine having attractive people wanting to hook up with you on a pretty constant basis makes fidelity that much more difficult. At the risk of being flamed to a crisp, it could be that Tiger very much loves his wife but had (as another blogger I read so eloquently put it) “extracurricular vagina”.
I know we want to believe that when we get married we’ll never cheat and there are plenty of people who don’t . I know one couple where the husband talks ALL THE TIME about how monogamy may be great for women but it sucks for a man. If it were me, I’d kick him to the curb because talking like you WANT to cheat and about how monogamy is out of alignment with the ideal life of a man isn’t exactly conducive to a happy marriage, in my opinion. BUT… that’s their bedroom, not mine.
MY bedroom, however, might be enhanced by one of those lovely LELO Ella’s!
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at three Ho’s!
buh duh bum (drums)…..I’ll take my dildo now!
and for the record…I think she *threw* the club at his car as he drove away.
My birthday is the 13th and winning a Lelo Elle would making turning 46 perfect.
As for Tiger he is male and apparently in the world of high profile athletes that is synonymous with being a stupid fuck, but honestly I think it’s really a self-esteem issue. Why else would every rich famous athlete, movie star and musician have to get a trophy wife and then still need to cheat except that he’s trying to prove something to himself. Too bad all it does is show the world how pitiful he really is. Money and fame do not make the man nor does being able to swing a golf club as many women including his wife have proven. Too bad his dad didn’t spend more time on building his son’s character instead of thinking that athletic ability and training would do the job. As for Elin, well she should have left a long time ago before the stress of it all turned her violently abusive.
Okay, I’ll stop.
I think it is very ironic that so many wealthy-beyond-comprehension celebrity athletes make their money by putting their balls in and around holes, and then end up paying that “hard earned” money to the holes they are putting their balls around. Just sayin’.
Hmmm….looks like ELLA has a fan club.
@TWM- Right? They’re all chompin’ for the Ella!
from one who has lived through it, seems as tho tiger has a sex addiction… where sex is not about love, emotion, or the beautiful romance that we all dream of, it’s a need, that can never be sated.
hopefully the kid will go into his psyche and deal with his problems. my empathy and best wishes are that he can conquer his demons.
on a lighter note:
a true optimist is a woman without a dildo
Cheating spouses is nothing new. it happens all the time.
Tiger cheating with multiple women and thinking he can get away with it just shows he is a moron, maybe he has a sex addiction. Must be a sex addiction because not all of those women were attractive. And for the “other women” claiming they were having trysts with Tiger, give me a freaking break – what are you after? Money? Fame? Modeling contract?
Seems like people who want to cheat have forgotten the 1st rule of OPP: Keep your mouth shut.
I have got to ask h-lynn; what is OPP?? I assume it’s Other People’s ____ fill int eh blank depending on gender, but it could easily be something else…
“puck fucks in hockey and ball washers in golf” in golf almost stopped my heart. Too fucking funny.
As for the rest, I think she should leave him. I think too many people get the “Stand by your man” image from media and make the decision by what is “popular” at the time. She’s setting a bad example for her children and for women all over.
And I probably would have thrown a golf club too. He broke VOWS.
There’s a great line form Grey’s Anatomy that sums up how I feel about women who sleep with married men:” (the man) may have broke his vows, but we’re women. You did this to another woman. ”
I think there should be punishment for any woman who knowingly sleeps with a married man.
I think the man got sloppy drunk and crashed his car, and his wife pissed as hell said “If I have to drag the moron out of the car, you better believe I’m gonna break a window while I’m at it.” Then of course the media circus had to dig up a ho or two and there you go!
And as a side note, doesn’t EVERY celebrity have a sex tape?
Can you believe that they BLOCKED Toy with me at my job?
WTF??
Shelly – Sounds like “sexual” discrimination to me
Can we move on?? He doesn’t deserve this much publicity!
kthanx
OPP: Other Peoples Property
Loved all the golf innuendos – too clever!
He’s lucky he’s not married to me. I would have tee’d off his face like the mobsters in a movie. You don’t sleep around on your wife and the mother of your children with skanks. And he’s so not attractive. She was out of his league to begin with!
I agree either way Elin can get over her heartache with all the money she will get whether she stays or leaves. Feeling blue then go buy yourself 9 pairs of Jimmy Choos, fly yourself to the best Spas in and get yourself a good massage. And that just the tip of what she can do to cure her blues , actually fuck the blues that is what she could do to cure her anger and feeling of revenge.
I myself would divorce his cheating lying ass. I would have been like “Honey you should have told me you wanted extra curricular vajayjay cause so I and we could have had ourself a grand old time. You could have seen me with another girl sucking on….. ” Lol . But seriously not 1 not to but 9 affairs. And I heard he even took one to their house, their home, where they spend family time with the children. And to top it all off he let the girl spend the night. That a lone deserve a hard swing to his balls. The man didn’t even respect their home. I heard she got herself a 2.2 million dollar home in her native country good for her. What she needs to do is get Tiger to buy her a condo in the states where she can come and have sexual rendezvous with as many men as she likes preferable 9.
Best news to come out of Tiger’s story?!?
One lucky commenter is winning a LELO ELLA – Right Now!
Congrats to Miss Spoken!! We loved how you described Tiger to a TEE – “He looks like he’s running for Treasurer of his 9th grade class.” Couldn’t agree more.
I just knew that some day being a smart ass would pay off! Gonna go call my mom now and show her just how wrong she was about me!!
Thanks Toy With Me!