Sex toys are pretty full of the awesome. You take the word “sex” and you add “toy” to it and you’re guaranteed an instant win there…unlike the lottery, which we all know is a joke. Unless you’re winning it, in which case you should probably give me some of your winnings or at least a fancy car because obviously.
While I still haven’t managed to find an appropriate place to store my sex toys, I do boast a stash that, thanks to my editors at Toy With Me, is growing. I meant to tell you that have learned my lesson, thanks to you Toy With Me-ers: higher end sex toys are, well, better. Plus they go on your naughty bits, and we all know you should treat your naughty bits like gold. OR A GOLDEN VIBRATOR.
Every now and again (read: daily), I’m sent bizarre things from around the internet that might possibly go into my sex column. Normally, they’re merely horrifying. Sometimes, they’re full of the awesome. Occasionally, they’re baffling. These are a mix of those.
Toy With Me, I’d like to present you with a gallery of the bizarrely full of the awesome sex toys I’ve found.
Hide-A-Vibe Teddy Bear: When I saw this all I could think was this scenario playing out: Oh Little Johnny, not feeling well today? Want to lay down in Mommy’s bed? Wait, whatever you do…NO, JUST DON’T TOUCH THE FUCKING TEDDY BEAR! No, DON’T OPEN IT, SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Oh Johnny, I’m sorry. I just scarred you for life. A whimsical teddy bear does not a good vibrator storage facility make. Just…no. (and I’d thought a heart-shaped pillow was bad…this is far, far worse).
(Related… Check out what to do if children find your sex toys.)
Fake Feet: Now you can have your foot…and beat off into it too! For all of those times when a live foot won’t do, you can now shove your junk into a foot molded after many (different) foot fetish porn models. Who knew there were so many different foot fetish models? On the upside, I am pretty sure I know what to get everyone on my Christmas list this year! (no, really, I am going to get a couple of these for ahem a few hard to buy for people on my list.) Trust me, this is actually one of the more delightful things I have ever found on The Internet.
Fake Hymens: For all of those times you’ve drunkenly sung “Like A Virgin” to that special guy…and he believed you, now you can insert something up your vagina so that you can bleed…just like a virgin! Now, I know that in many countries, virginity is very important, and bleeding like a virgin is highly important while having The Sex for the first time, as proof of purity. For the rest of us, though, just…wow.
Eco Friendly Vibrators: Now we ALL want to do our part to save the planet. Creating a “green” sex toy is a full of the awesome idea. The practice, however, is not so awesome. I found two options, both of which were cumbersome and clunky.
- The Hand Crank Vibe: I grew up in a house with a (no shit) butter churn. We churned our own motherfucking butter. I can assure you, Toy With Me-ers, that the very last thing I want to do (besides churn more fucking butter) when I want to have a party in my pants is to have to crank that shit up first. While I was reading about it, all I could think about was how I could imagine the hand-cranked vibe running out of steam at JUST the wrong moment. And who the hell wants to stop and be all, “excuse me orgasm, I have to crank my vibrator?” (answer: not me)
- The Solar Powered Vibe: The execution here is flawless and the reasoning is impeccable. Leave the smallest carbon footprint while optimizing pleasure. That sounds like a win to me…except that I can totally picture myself forgetting to charge the damn thing. So two hours (per the website) of blissful vibe pleasure would turn into me smashing things into the wall, deliberately NOT recycling my Diet Coke cans and cursing every hippie I ever knew because I was unable to actually take care of my business. Not very eco-friendly.
The Erectile Quality Monitor: Just. Um. Wow. So, this is something I cannot even wrap my mind around, but I suppose that because I don’t have a penis, I can’t fathom why one would want to measure the quality of one’s boner. To me, a boner is a boner (and every boner should be loved and cherished…no seriously. Boners = full of the win) and while I’m aware that some may have a slightly higher pressure which might mean better slightly better boning sessions, I’m not sure that I’ve ever really met too many men who would be interested in doing this…at least not often enough to buy one. Because frankly, if Mr. Boner turns into Mr. Softie, I think my partner and I will both be acutely aware of it. No LED flashing monitor will help either of us feel anything but humiliated.
(seems the FDA had a hard time getting a boner over this item. I bet it will never stand up in court, unless they get a hung jury of course.)
Cup Nude: I someday look forward to going to Japan and finding all of the bizarre things that they have to offer me, then paying exorbitant amounts to buy them and ship them back home so that I can perhaps install a separate “these are weird things I bought in Japan” room in my house. THIS would be one of those things. Now, who hasn’t eaten a Cup of Noodles and called it fucking tasty and delicious? (if you have said, “me, Aunt Becky, I haven’t eaten a delicious Cup of Noodles, EVER,” I may not want to know you)(THAT’S A LIE, I love you just the way you are). THIS? Something ENTIRELY different. I’m not EXACTLY positive what it is, but I think it’s a cup…you heat up…and put your dick in. Which? TOTALLY GOING IN MY ROOM OF WEIRD THINGS I BOUGHT IN JAPAN.
Hizamakura’s Lap Pillow: Another wacky (yet slightly awesome) Japanese invention, although perhaps not a sex toy. It is precisely what it says it is: a pillow that looks like a woman’s lap where you, when you are wearily shaking off the road, or, maybe, all out of Cup of Nude, you can simply pull out your Lap Pillow and take a nappy-poo! It’s nappy-licious! This delightful invention is available in a red OR black skirt, depending on which color you like best, and promises to feel both comfortable AND real. Sometimes, I have lots of very useless words. In this case, I have none.
Maybe I just need to try it. Just like all of these. Except the foot one. Because despite what The Twitter believes, I actually have no penis.
So, Toy With Me-ers, tell me all about the weirdly awesome sex toys you’ve seen? Or just tell me something full of the awesome. Because, well, obviously.