Last week we talked about the inappropriateness of semen as a recipe ingredient, and we choked and we gagged and we barfed on our keyboards. My poor husband was terribly depressed by this as he was under the impression that most women love the taste of semen (porn being his only point of reference here) and he was disheartened to learn that I am not the only woman on the planet who gags at the thought of it rolling down her throat. We all think it’s gross, dear. Porn actresses are, well, ACTING like they like it. But they don’t. I promise. Even the girls who smile while they perform gokkun with a full 1000cc beaker.
Some commenters even said they’d rather cook with breast milk than semen, and I couldn’t agree more. At least it’s meant to be consumed. Semen on the other hand, is NOT. That’s why it doesn’t taste good. Semen — not food — tastes bad. Breast milk tastes good, because it’s food.
Just ask the kids in this video:
I couldn’t watch that whole thing, could you? Once they started drawing pictures of mommy’s boobs, and giving them names, I was out. I feel really, very sorry for those poor little girls once the kids at school catch wind of this insanity. Those kids are way too old to be nursing.
You know who else is too old?
The other night, our baby fell asleep before being nursed for the night, and I was getting a little uncomfortable with all the boob juice on deck and I didn’t feel like pumping, so being the good and selfless husband he is, my beloved offered to help me out.
By drinking it… from the tap.
And he was really serious.
He would have done it if I had let him, but I didn’t because the very idea of nursing my husband makes me die a little bit inside.
No, scratch that–Actually, it makes me die a lot inside and it gives me the heebie-jeebies and I want to jump all around the room shouting Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! When I mentioned this to a friend over dinner, she told me her husband has offered to do the same thing and we were both just like what the fucking fuck is up with that?
Not everyone feels this way. For some people, it ain’t no big thang. In fact, they think of an adult nursing relationship as an act of love and intimacy.
I find this a little creepy.
I guess I’m not enough of an earth mother as to embrace the notion of feeding all creatures big and small from my bosom. Shit, I don’t even get all the way naked when we do Sexy Time because my top half belongs to the baby, and it’s totally off limits as far as anything sexual is concerned. I don’t even want my husband to touch them, and it’s not because they hurt or anything, it’s just because they’re strictly for utilitarian purposes; right now, they’re for FEEDING THE BABY, and that’s it.
Don’t get me wrong, when I’m finished nursing in a couple of months, it. is. on. honey. But until then, it’s ix-nay on the boob-play.
And so for me, the whole idea of people nursing other grown people is just…confusing. It’s not because I have hang-ups about breast milk. It’s not gross. I’ve tasted it. It’s baby food, and if I can feed it to my baby, I can feed it to my husband, right?
Nay, nay. I don’t get how people can have milk to nourish an infant, and then turn around and involve that same milk in Sexy Time. I’m never one to be bringing The Almighty into things, but it is not what God intended.
I mean, I can understand that adults are attracted to the “packaging” because it’s rather nice, and gets even nicer when engorged, but actually drinking milk from the boobages opens the door for the sucky-fucky to rise to a new level of kinky. If we’re breastfeeding our boyfriend/husband/neighbor/fuckbuddy/uncle, are we also putting diapers on him and cleaning up when there’s a stinky in his pants? Where does one draw the line?
Sometimes I feel like my husband’s mother as it is: I remind him to take a bath and to brush his teeth. I buy him clothes. I schedule his doctor’s appointments. I send him to go and “play outside” (aka yard work). I make sure he eats his vegetables. I scold him when he eats too much candy and stays up till 2 in the morning playing on the Wii. I don’t really think I need to nurture him any more than I already do.
Also, he calls me “mommy.”
Now that I think about it, we’ve already crossed some lines…
Anymyrelationshipwithmyhusbandmightbetotallysick, I want to leave some room in this conversation for your comments (that’s a fancy way of saying I ran out of shit to say). Sooooooo, do any of you Toy With Mes engage in this nursing behavior? Have you ever tasted the boobie juice? Have you made it a part of Sexy Time? Are you horrified right now? OR are you totally turned on??