Articles

I Wish I Was A High Class Hooker

January 11, 2010

Hookers have been on my mind lately, because I guess that’s just the sort of mind I have. Also, I always wanted to be a “high – class escort” and make a ton of money, wear sexy clothes, be like the fucking James Bond of sex (well, the female side of sex), go to interesting [...]

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New Years Resolution – The Year Of Me

December 29, 2009

I’ve never been much of a New Year’s Girl. I don’t go out to celebrate because, like Hef aptly noted, it’s kinda “Amateur Hour” and every asshole cretin has crawled out from under their rock and is getting sloshed and acting like a jerk. Besides, every time I’ve been out partying, it’s led to fighting, [...]

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Christmas Craft Making For Perverts

December 23, 2009

Oh my gawd! Can you Toy With Mes believe it’s almost Christmas? That shit just sneaked right up on me! Holy Crap! I’m sort of in a panic because after all the cookie making and sweater buying, I’ve totally forgotten to get presents for the people on my list who are um…well, they’re perverts. You [...]

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Purity Balls – Because Metaphorical Incest Is Totally Cool

December 18, 2009

From the archives. This article was originally posted on September 11th 2009

I have to hand it to my friend Phil for putting together one hell of an eye – opening article. Until fairly recently, I had never heard of a “Purity Ball,” which, in my defense, is not entirely surprising considering I really don’t keep [...]

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7 Sex Positions I Won’t Be Trying Without A Helmet

November 25, 2009

My husband and I are about to celebrate our wedding anniversary on November 30th.  It’s been like…what? Seven years or something like that?  I can’t remember.  We’ve been together for 14 years and we shacked up together for six years before we got married for the health insurance so our kids wouldn’t be bastards and [...]

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Ron Jeremy And Debbie Does Dallas Ruined Porn For Me

November 16, 2009

For shits and giggles when we were teenagers my friends and I would watch porn. For entertainment. As a parent, I know most of you are probably all OH NOES, THINK OF THE CHILDREN, AUNT BECKY, because I realize how bad this must sound to you now. Like we were sitting around in togas, drinking [...]

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My Panty Drawer Revealed!

November 11, 2009

Remember how during last week’s post I said I usually wear a nursing bra and maternity panties to bed and you thought I was kidding you but I really wasn’t?
Remember that?
Well, the truth is Toy With Mes—I’m not the super sexy sex kitten you all fantasize about (you do fantasize about me, don’t you? Of [...]

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