I’m the last person who thinks that there’s a substitute for common sense. You can’t get it in a book on tape and you sure as hell can’t teach it in school.

Common sense comes from fucking up.

If you sit down and actually look at our legal system, our legislation is driven purely from past fuck-ups.

We can’t own slaves. (Fuck Up: Colonial America)

We can’t/can sell alcohol. (Fuck Up: Prohibition Era – that shit didn’t work)

We can’t discriminate based on gender, disability, sexual orientation, marital status, creed or race. (Fuck Up: America, pre-2009)

We can say pretty much anything we damn well please (Fuck Up: Oppressive British law)

We’re all seen as equals under the law (Fuck Up: anyone who pissed off/on the Founding Fathers)

When one of my Twitter followers contacted me last week about the tragic suicide of a young Rutgers student, I fell face-first into a series of emotions. Emotion pie. There were so many colossal fuck-ups that I didn’t know where to begin. Today’s post is a journey through fucked-up thoughts.

What’s “Different”

Back when I was still in school, I didn’t pay attention to “different.” I was different. I was a goth nerd (yes, that’s a picture of ME). Some of my friends were obviously gay. And it was cool. They were…well, they just WERE. They sat at our lunch table, hung out with us before and after the bell and crammed into someone’s car when we all decided to stay out past curfew.

They were the same. I’m sure other kids treated them like shit, but they were “with us.” They were safe. They were our friends.

But here’s one thing I’ve come to realize as I’ve gotten older: kids are mean.

Kids can be evil little assholes. And they don’t have a lick of common sense.

When I think of these two kids (because that’s what they are – KIDS) from Rutgers who thought it would be balls-out funny to webcam broadcast a young, gay student’s private moments across the social mediasphere, I’m wondering where we went so wrong in the development of today’s youth that this would even be considered as acceptable.

These are kids who have the smarts to get into a university that turns down over half its applicants but seem to have jack shit in the line of common sense.

And they turned out to be mean.

Before I go any further, I’ll say that assholes happen. No university can prevent the assholes. But maybe this is one fuck up that can help universities (and parents) deal with the assholes before they stop thinking and start acting on their assholian nature.

The Onus

Having left corporate America back in 2006 (for good), I can still remember Diversity Training. Seriously – the videos are laughable and the quizzes following even moreso. But the sessions did one thing quite well: they made you think twice about what you said and did, because the dude holding your paycheck wasn’t essentially saying he had no desire to deal with a lawsuit brought on by the next asshole who wanted to tell the receptionist she had a great rack.

So if universities are charged with shaping today’s undergraduate population for roles following graduation, isn’t it common sense to think that there should be some diversity training in that process?

Freshman orientation is a load of crap, no matter what university you attend. But I’ve learned something pretty interesting from having two criminal defense attorneys as copywriting clients this year:

Most college students are completely unaware of the Code of Conduct that rules their school.

Here in Denver, both major universities can expel students for merely being accused of a crime. A DUI can be deadly to a student’s career – and that’s alcohol.

How about Invasion of Privacy, kids? Just because you share a room or a wall with someone – that doesn’t give you the right to act like a fucktard.

So If We Can’t TEACH Common Sense…

I say that the universities in this country – and perhaps worldwide – need to sit up and take notice. I’ll bet that the entire Board of Regents at Rutgers has assumed the fetal position complete with thumb sucking after Tyler Clementi’s tragic suicide. And it appears that the University might even be more culpable as it was revealed today that Clementi sought a room change after the initial incident.

Hello, Rutgers, institution of higher learning with lowered standards.

We’re a nation that recently passed the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act on October 22, 2009. That was less than a year ago. And I’ll bet if you sat down with Darun Ravi and Molly Wei (the alleged co-conspirators who broadcast Clementi’s sexual encounter via webcam), they wouldn’t be able to tell you who Matthew Shepard is…was…or what his death meant to the non-heterosexual community. And that’s a fucking shame. Because apparently, we’re still a nation who cares more about what goes on in bedrooms that aren’t ours than about the basic human rights that a long history of fuck-ups has set into legislation.

I’m thinking that since the average cost of a college education runs between $20-$30+k per year here in the U.S., that it’s time for universities to start the education process by understanding that the following (by and large) comprises their freshman classes:

• Kids who have never lived away from mom and dad
• Kids who have never done their own grocery shopping
• Kids who have no fucking clue what they want to be when/if they grow-up
• Kids who will, invariably, make some epically stupid decisions over the next four years
• Kids who don’t understand what it means to be responsible for their own success and failures because they’re coming from a sheltered environment.
• Kids who come from diverse cultural backgrounds who don’t necessarily understand or relate to those who are “different.”

If universities can understand these six things, then the logical addition to the freshman orientation process would be what corporate American already understands: diversity training is necessary.

Corporate America gets that there are assholes in every bunch. When will universities understand the same and actually sit down and explain a Code of Conduct to the student body? $20k+ is a shitload to pay for daycare, and I’ll venture to say that the rules are better explained (and better enforced) at daycare than in college.

Not a Panacea

Last week, MTVNews was covering the suicide and chimed in with me on Twitter for my thoughts on their article, which posed the question whether laws could have prevented Clementi’s suicide. I say no law can prevent anyone from doing anything (given the inmate overcrowding epidemic nationwide, I’ll refrain from further substantiation). New Jersey lawmakers have even introduced a bill to up the penalty for Invasion of Privacy. But if the death penalty won’t deter murderers, how will this law deter stupid kids?

We can do our best as a society to raise awareness and get our noses out of other people’s business. Who I fuck is MY business, so long as they’re of age and consenting. Maybe that should be a slide in the diversity training process, showing that the water cooler isn’t stationed next to anyone’s bed. Who we love, relate to, embrace or shun – it’s our business and ours alone. Frankly, you can be intolerant of anyone you choose. I’m intolerant of the dipshit in front of me in line at the grocery who holds me hostage in the cell phone scream-off with her boyfriend.

But when your intolerance brings harm…when you cross the line from your beliefs into someone else’s life – and one that most likely does not affect you in any way, shape or form…you’re going down. Laws are there to act as a deterrent for those with a sense of common sense and to penalize those who didn’t have any.

Graduate to a New Level of Responsibility

Universities – step to the plate and stop waiting for the lawmakers to do something that isn’t going to help your cause. Who’s going to come out and say that they’re not going to take any shit from the next incoming freshman class? These kids are on your turf. Start acting like you own the place, because one day, my kid’s $20-30k+ a year is going to be worth just as much as the intolerant little asshole of a roommate you assign him or her. You can’t help it that the kid’s an asshole.

But you can at least do you part to say what will and will not be tolerated on your campus.

In Closing

I love my friends and I don’t care who they’re fucking, in love with or dislike. They’re my friends. I’ve only got 37 years of common sense in me and respect the fact that these kids in this whole unfortunate mess only had 18. But now, one of them doesn’t have a chance to get to 37, and that sucks. Laws won’t stop this from happening again, but we’re a nation with a history rich in fuck-ups. We need to remember our fuck-ups. I’d be curious to run a quiz and see how many high school seniors know who Matthew Shepard is and why he’s important. He died after being mercilessly beaten, tortured and tied to a fencepost – left to die. Because he was gay.

Maybe kids need to see the crime scene photos to understand what death plus two kids serving two consecutive life sentences looks like.

That’s one helluva picture, ain’t it?

Post from: Toy With Me

Are Universities Giving Hall Passes for Hate?

Today marks the signing-off of Dear Redhead on ToyWithMe. So, I’m inviting you to check out my ass since you’ve already checked out my boobs – how does it look heading out the door?

You haven’t disappointed me…ever. My columns have been, far and wide, some of the best reading I’ve ever done – and I ain’t talkin’ about re-reading what I’ve written. It’s your twisted, tongue-in-cheek and timely thoughts that brighten my days and make my brain work, so a huge thank you for all those who stopped by and shared.

When you’re brought on board to write a column for a site, there’s always the pesky question: what’s going to work? We started Dear Redhead as a Q&A column and fielded entertaining questions from the masses (including a jilted ex-date of mine who thought I wouldn’t notice he emailed from his WORK address and a gal who couldn’t get enough back door action). I brought out your inner lesbian when I told you I’d hit for the same team if I could do Joan Holloway (the comments are masturbation material in and of themselves!) then made the shift to full-on op-ed. You asked, we answered and the op-ed format is where you really latched on.

I’ve taken on Andy Pugno and the epic fucktards who back Proposition 8. The personal stories you shared on your individual journeys and the difference in “context vs. content” when it comes to the true essence of a family just blew me away (and in a non-oral sex kind of way). You made me happy that I was a writer that day who felt (and still feels) that “family” isn’t about sexuality – it’s about a bond.

You then let me take on the incendiary issue of abortion (which riled all of you right up) in pre and post-Super Bowl posts. The bonus? I got to take a swing at Erick Erickson (who’s been subsequently named a new on-air commentator at CNN – fuck my life and everyone else’s. Holy shit – what would happen if he and Palin had an affair and produced a love child? splashing acid in my eyes). You backed me up and Erickson declined an interview because we were “pushy.” Fuck him, right and proper. With someone else’s equipment, of course. God knows, it’s not going to be his wife (whom he hopes is in the kitchen, where she belongs, making him a sammich).

As a long-time supporter of the GLBT community, we talked about the potential repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Actually, what’s to support about the GLBT community? That’s like saying I support breathing. It’s essential. I don’t care if you’re polka dotted and wear a purple tutu – if you add to my life and the community around us, you’re essential. Sexual orientation is a component of identification, not the sole means. When we live in a world that sees people as…people…instead of targets, we’ll be well on the road to working on the things that truly make our lives better. In the meantime, a special thanks to those in the GLBT community who embraced my thought process and means of messaging. I encourage you to drop by this particular post and read the well-spoken arguments by Dayna, a servicewoman discharged on account of DADT who is finishing up her legal education. It was really a privilege to have her share her thoughts.

Some of you got peeved when I took on the Catholic Church and their management of the pedophilia scandal. That’s fine. I stand by my thoughts and feelings. I’m not a personal fan of organized religion but do appreciate the ritual and the fact that some people use it as a tool to live rich and fulfilled lives. I don’t, however, think it’s an excuse for bad behavior and causing harm. Bad priest – no communion biscuit!

Over seven months of posts brings us to an end last week with a recap of why I love M-A-N (which pissed off a few commentators as they think I’m anti-feminist and encouraging bad behavior). Sad, really – men and women like came to my defense (which I didn’t need, but gracias mi amigos) while there were the few who targeted me and the ToyWithMe site as offensive. Hey – here’s the bottom line: you’re not always going to agree with what I have to say or how I say it. Either love me or hate me, as anything in between is death for a writer.

The folks here at ToyWithMe have supported writers who put out opinions that may not be popular but resonate with a certain audience. Hats off to them for creating a forum where no subject is taboo. The web needs more forums for open discourse and that’s why I’ve always loved my column here on ToyWithMe: there’s nothing you can’t say if it’s well thought-out and adds to the quality of the conversation. Asshats? Find another venue.

Dissent creates conversation. Head nodding reinforces a current line of thought. Combine the two? Oh hell – you’re on the road to hosting conversations that matter.

Since You Like My Ass…Where Do You Find The Redhead?

Well, I’m not going anywhere – you can still find me over at my main gig on Redhead Writing. Less sex, more f-bombs and a whole lot of fun. You can also drop by my Facebook Fan Page and follow my personal account on Twitter.

The folks here at Toy With Me (@ToyWithMe and @Mr_Puck) are kickass folks, so be sure to follow them on Twitter and check out the columns by the other sassy and sexy ladies here each week. I’ll be poking my head in periodically to lodge a comment or foot in someone’s ass – never fear.

As I say farewell this week, I’ll ask YOU: what’s been YOUR favorite Redhead Rant here on ToyWithMe.com? Share in the comments below. It’s been a delight to share my thoughts, tits and well…other stuff…with you here at Dear Redhead. I hope you won’t go far, as I’ll just be riiiiiight around the corner working things Redhead style.

Hat tip/boob flash. *MUAH*

Post from: Toy With Me

Check Out My Ass: A Farewell from The Redhead

I’m an iPhone whore. I lust my piece-of-shit, can’t-complete-a-call, don’t-get-voicemail, $140-a-month personal computing device that has a phone but you wouldn’t know it. I love my ridiculous Paul Frank monkey case and the fact that I have to use a headset to comfortably complete any one of my many soon-to-be-dropped calls.

It’s possible I’m in love with a sexy, expensive rectangle for which I gladly overpay.

If you haven’t been following the iPhone/sexy app debate as of late, you can quickly get up to speed with a great primer by none other than @violetblue. If you’re not interested in clicking over, I’ll run-down the highlights for you:

• Apple launches iPhone and Steve Jobs makes it clear that the App Store will not make “porn” available.
• Smart adult marketers, capitalizing on the iPhone’s popularity, develop wallpaper and HTML5 (mobile) sites for their iPhone fans, staying miles away from the App Store and it’s strict “no porn” guidelines.
• Meanwhile, the App Store approves and offers for sale and free download thousands of racy apps. These range from the infamous Wobble to CutestGirls featuring lingerie-clad nubiles.
• In February of this year, Apple pulls the plug on over 5,000 “adult” apps with no notice to developers other than a letter.
• Oddly enough, major erotic brands like Playboy and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition stay put.
• Developers are enraged and Apple is left looking like the bad guy.

If you’re an iTunes aficionado, you’re fully aware that adult and age-restricted content has forever been available through that platform. You know, the platform through which you have to sync your iPhone…download software updates…backup your apps.

There’s a little game of Big Brother going on here. Today, Dear Redhead looks at the issue through a business lens.

We’re iFucked
You can only get an iPhone with a calling plan through AT&T. You can only install App Store-approved apps on your iPhone. Without even getting into jailbroken phones and other rigs to work around the AT&T/Apple serial monogamy, the bottom line is we’re fucked. We bought a personal communication device (I won’t even deign to call it a phone) and understood the restrictions. I don’t understand why Apple is under the magnifying glass for dictating what can and can’t be sold in their stores. Amazon.com does it. Best Buy does it. Why not Apple? At this juncture, if you want a wide array of adult-oriented content, you need to switch to Android. They have a complete, age-restricted adult app store.

It’s Good to Be the King
Remember when Mel Brooks announced, “King humps Queen!” in History of the World, Part I? It’s good to be the king. Especially when you’re Apple. You have a highly sought-after technology that commands retail price and is only available through limited distribution outlets. (I say it’s a monopoly, you say it’s maintaining brand integrity…whatever.) Not only can you say what’s available in your App Store and dictate the terms of availability, you can be all sortsa hypocritical and say who can break the rules. Apparently Playboy and Sports Illustrated are such widely accepted brands that neither is considered “objectionable content” by the powers that be at Apple. From MacLife:

On the App Store’s seeming double standard around retention of the Sports Illustrated app, he said “the difference is this is a well-known company with previously published material available broadly in a well-accepted format.

Being king also lets you build walls using funds from the commoners (your customers, sycophants and those looking to offer products that run on your platform). The purpose of these walls? Keep the enemy out. The enemies, of course, being rival brands like Google. Again, you say its protecting brand integrity while I say monopoly – but what the hell do I know? I’m sheep who pays $140/month for a “phone” that can’t complete a call in the City of Denver on the 3G network.

So the king and The Pope can grant indulgences and the common folk (developers) have to abide by your content restrictions in order to sell on your platform. Acceptable. But you may want to recall the state of upheaval back in Tudor England when the governed grew weary of Henry VIII’s predilection for rule bending.

You Sell Sex but You Won’t Sell Sex?
Face it: the iPhone is sexy. Apparently, though I haven’t gotten to run my grubby little hands on one yet, the iPad is even sexier. The sleek case, shiny screen, glimmering silver trim. Holy hell – there are days where I take it out of my cute little Paul Frank monkey sleeve and just pet the damn thing. Honestly? 57% of iPhone users are male. That means 43% can still download the “not-adult” MyPleasure.com MyVibe app and 57% who are going to use Apple-installed Safari to catch adult content on-the-go. It’s OK for folks to masturbate with their iPhone but not OK to watch boobs jiggle. It’s OK for dudes to iStroke while checking out the Playboy app but not OK to check out lingerie-clad women brought to you by app developer PinkVisual because they don’t have brand recognition on the shelves of 7-11s nationwide.

Apple designs sexy devices. Apple telling its customers how they should and shouldn’t be using their products is much akin to Lelo telling me that I should be using this as a paperweight.

Toshiba doesn’t tell me what I can and can’t watch on my television. Content is by request.

Telcom Companies Need to Think Like Cable TV Providers
Let’s look at my local cable TV service. While I don’t have cable and only have a home phone and cable modem, here’s what a bundle of services would run me each month:

• Free HD – no service or equipment charges
• HD/DVR box and service
• 200+ digital cable channels
• Starz, Showtime, Cinemax and HBO
• Sports Entertainment Package
• Faster Internet speeds
• Unlimited local and long-distance calling
• 12 popular calling features including Caller ID, Call Waiting and more
• Visual voice mail
• Price? $179/month for 12 months
• 12-month contract

I currently pay $140/month for the following:

• $200 for the phone (I have a 3G)
• No HD
• 1350 anytime minutes to use on calls that will inevitably drop
• YouTube (wow)
• No movies except through iTunes, can’t even stream Netflix Watch Instantly
• Unlimited iPhone data plan
• Unlimited text messaging
• Visual Voice Mail
• No flash content
• Call waiting, three-way calling, call hold
• 24-month contract

If Apple started thinking like a cable service provider instead of The King, it would realize a whole lot more revenue potential than by blocking potentially “competitive” developers from its interfaces and OS. My cable company understands that not everyone wants adult content. Therefore, they enable parental controls and make that content available for an additional fee and with the requisite restrictions. iTunes has had the technology to implement content restrictions for ages and just NOW cries foul with adult app developers? I smell poop.

I can stream adult content on my MacBook. I can stream content through Safari or via YouTube on my iPhone. As a consumer, I can choose my local cable provider or another network like DishTV or DirectTV. The cable companies understand that content is my decision, though I admittedly only have access to channels they make available. There’s a lot more available than Apple provides customers access to, and for my $140/month, I think I deserve the option to have cartoon chicks drop their dresses when I flip my phone upside down.

The Skinny on the Fat Apple
It comes down to this: if I want to see tits, I can stand on my head anytime and get a dose of two 34 D’s. I don’t need Apple to facilitate. What I feel is missing from the entire Apple/Consumer equation, however, it that consumers are telling them what they want and they’re stalling the process. Google Voice, alternative streaming content NOT purchased through iTunes (i.e. Netflix), adult content, a cell service provider other than AT&T – the cries are out there and as consumers, we’re left wondering how Apple can move forward with OS upgrades and the iPad lunch while we sit over here, fans of their products and straight-up iHosed. Developers are left high and dry, apps yanked because they’re too racy and none of which were actually “porn” in the first place. There is no place for “unsigned apps” in the Garden of Apple. Steve Jobs has spoken and in the beginning, it was the word of Steve.

While we all get that for which we sign a two-year contract, I can’t state it any more eloquently than Jason Kincaid of TechCrunch:

“The answer — that the iPhone will not allow for unsigned apps — does not come as a surprise. But Jobs’s reasoning behind it was certainly interesting to hear, because it’s a clear example of Apple’s hypocrisy.

“For years, iTunes has sold songs with explicit lyrics and movies with graphic nudity. Further, as we’ve pointed out numerous times, the iPhone comes with Safari. The web has quite a bit of porn on it. Hell, many porn sites have even launched HTML5 versions that are optimized for the iPhone. Yes, parents can disable access to Safari with parental controls, but Apple could easily add a similar parental control setting to restrict running unsigned applications, too.”

It’s a matter of moral upstanding being a cloak to veil the monopoly Apple’s placed on their technology, its use and blatant attempts to shut-out competing developers from using the Garden of Apple to begin their own Eden. Hey – I’m no Microsoft fan, either, but at least they don’t tell me how I can use my phone.

Post from: Toy With Me

Where Does Apple Get Off?

Women who decide to get involved with married men are stupid, opportunistic, gold-digging whores. I would, however, like to think it takes some sort of calculated smarts to wind up in an $11 million mansion with two small dogs (bill footed by Charles E. Phillips, co-president of Oracle).

Maybe it takes being smart to wind up on Oprah after your affair with a Presidential candidate goes sour.

Maybe it takes absolutely no sense at all because who in their right mind would fuck this guy? He always seemed to have two chicks going at once.

Serial adultery? Ladies, it’s time to wise-up and once again put on your big girl britches instead of leaving them on some married guy’s floor. I’m straight-up exhausted with all of the media talk about who’s boning who and whether it’s in or out of wedlock. Guys have screwed around as long as they’ve had the twig-n-berries setup and women…well, they’ve been screwing around just about as long. It’s always “news” to air out the dirty laundry of others and, quite frankly, I can’t blame the leader for latching on to Tiger like a bucking bronco.

I’m blaming the women.

What the hell are you doing?

Hello…I don’t know if you noticed, but that’s a married man. That means, at home, he has a wife, children, obligations. He may be a horny fucktard and cry about how his wife never listens, but if he wants license to go get some strange, he needs to cowboy the fuck up and get unhitched. And you, missy – you need to put your legs together and stop thinking about fun long enough to realize he’s not yours to touch. If you need a zipless fuck, go hit on the obviously single guy at the end of the bar who’s been ogling you all night. Take him home, bone his brains out and give him a wrong number the next morning instead of trolling sites like The Ashley Madison Agency. Remember when you took your classmate’s favorite marble and the teacher found it in your desk? Same concept. These are not the marbles you’re looking for. Move along.

It’s NOT glamorous to be a mistress

If you truly think it’s exciting to be involved in a covert affair with a man who will never go out in public with you and never leave his wife for you, you’re stupid. Completely stupid. I understand that mistresses throughout the ages have reaped financial benefits untold, but you’re still a home wrecker. Eleanor Herman, author of Sex With Kings (HarperCollins, 2004), reports that some royal mistresses received financial compensation up to $200 million. It’s generally not so glamorous in this day and age. Let’s take a little slice-of-life glimpse at the life of a mistress:

Watch your boyfriend/married man/fuck buddy who’s never going to marry you roll out of bed at 4:30am so he can rush to the gym to shower before heading to work where he’ll call his wife on the way and blame everything on the Johnson case. You get dresses and head to the office. While on the subway, Cute Guy With Bike glances at you but you glance away since Mr. I’m Not Leaving My Wife/Boyfriend wouldn’t take kindly to you seeing another man even though he’s seeing another woman. His wife. Go through your workday. Girlfriend calls to ask you if you want to double with your Mr. Mystery Man and her new BF. You decline, claiming late hours at the office when it’s really that, well, you can’t have a double date. Ever. Text comes late in the day. Mr. I’m Not Leaving My Wife/Boyfriend can’t make it to your place tomorrow night – he’s sorry but he has to spend some time at home. Flowers arrive at your office thirty-five minutes later from HIM. You smile. He really does love you. Colleague walks by your desk and knocks flowers off the corner, vase shatters on the floor. You call the janitor to come clean up the mess and busily scramble to save every blossom from the man who loves you so much. You head home. After staring at a pile of haphazardly arranged flowers and downing about 1/3 bottle of vodka, you decide to sleep. Alone. He’ll call tomorrow.

I acknowledge completely that the home may already be wrecked, but if a man tells you he wants to be with you and won’t leave his wife, he’s an asshole. Move along.

Stop acting all self-righteous

I don’t know nor do I care to know what went down to end the 8 year-long affair between YaVaughnie Wilkins and Cisco co-president Charles Phillips. Except…he wasn’t going to leave his wife for her. For fuck sake, girl – you got to live in an $11M lily pad and probably paid for nothing for 8 years. Take that cash you stashed and what’s left of your pride and move on. Not only have you wrecked your career and credibility, you look like a jilted psycho hose beast for putting up billboards and setting up a website to expose photos of you and your ex-lover. You fell with your legs open into a married man’s bed. You sleep in the bed you made…and now it’s empty. You can be pissed all you want, but the only one who looks like an ass…is you.

If faced with the decision to tumble with a ring-wearin’ dude (and even if he’s “progressive” and doesn’t wear a ring), here’s a few things to take into consideration:

• He’s married.
• He’s NOT going to leave his wife for you. They rarely do.
• Nobody owes you anything for the stupid decision you made in the first place to climb into bed with him.
• Why would you ruin your life for a man?

YaVaughnie Wilkins was far from working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when she met Charles Phillips. She was interning for fame financial analyst Mary Meeker at Morgan Stanley, a gig that business school kids would give their left nut to score.

Here’s what you did: you met a powerful man who thought you were a hawt young thang. You are – I’ve seen the pictures all over the internet. You slept with him for 8 ½ years and now you’re pissed it’s over. Guess what, girly: he owes you nothing. Relationships end all the time (don’t I know it) and if you’re too stupid to get a cohabitation agreement…which you probably wouldn’t get because your relationship was on the down-low…then Mr. Phillips owes you zippitydoodah, getoutofthehouse. You put yourself in the position, now you’re out of it. Way to waste what’s estimated at $250,000 for the high-profile billboards and website.

You’re not famous. You’re notorious. And pretty much a psycho hose beast.

This isn’t going to fix anything

Serial adulterers like Tiger Woods, New Gingrich (ew), Charles Phillips, and more politicians than I can count will always be around. One may even be living next door to you – they’re not necessarily high-profile, big swingin’ dicks. If you’ve ever been on Match.com and seen the relationship status “currently separated” on a profile…

that means STILL MARRIED. Right? Am I right here?

Some people have affairs as a catalyst to end things. Others do it for the excitement. I know those who have done it because there’s nothing so sexy as to have someone actually listen. And then there are the very few people out there who have the capacity to have successful open relationships. I’m not wired that way, but hey…I see that it can work. I can’t dis it. But I can say that if you’re a stupid woman who gets involved with a married man in the hopes that he’ll leave his wife for you…oh, honey. I’ll hold you down and Miss Manners can bitch slap some sense into you.

Do you really believe, in all honesty, that any person in an unresolved relationship (ummm…like MARRIAGE) has the emotional capacity to sustain an additional emotional relationship? They already straight-up suck at the one they’ve got going on and you think you’re going to be the panacea to make everything right with the world? It’s like being in the path of a snowball rolling downhill: sure, you’ll get caught up in it for a while, but it’s going to leave you dumped at the bottom of the hill or crashed into a tree. You’re simply in the path. You’re not THE path.

Wise-up, ladies. Go get your own man.

Post from: Toy With Me

Serial Adultery = Serial Stupidity
A Woman Takes On Stupid Women

As a fan of the underdog, I’m going to come right out and say…

I’ve decided to convert to Catholicism.

Sticky, flat wafers, be damned! I’m going to confession and getting some rosary beads. The Redhead has found her calling, as she likes getting into boys’ pants as much as this organized bastion for sin. I mean, seriously – this dude, The Pope, is a guy I want to work for. He’s a talented dude! Not only can he turn a blind eye towards indiscretions while managing the largest real estate holding organization in the world, but he’s not intimidated by “petty gossip” that alludes to his employees. Damn straight, Pope Baby – you shut ‘em up and I get ‘em to sign-up. The Redhead and The Pope? An unbeatable combination of management and rationalization. Let’s review the top five reasons to convert to Catholicsm today:

Conversion Argument 1: Old Enough to Set the Table…

Apparently, if the boys are of pubescent age, it ain’t pedophilia – it’s homosexuality. Check out ardent defender of the Catholic Church, Bill Donahue, explain that it’s not the Church’s fault that priests can’t stop touching little boys…it’s the fault of the gay community:

I simply cannot believe that the last time I had a job where I had to clock in, I totally missed the opportunity to use the “blame the gays” excuse for being late! Apparently, I was gay and not really late at all. If The Pope had been my boss, this would have totally not been an issue.

Conversion Argument 2: I’m Never Going to Get Fired

Job security, folks. It’s a rough world economy out there. As a small business owner, I’m always in the situation where I could gain one client, lose two – it’s a month-to-month roller coaster ride! For all that’s holy, I wanna go work for Pope Daddy, ‘cause if I do, I’m never going to get fired.

• The AT&T Approach to Religion: Go ahead – reach out and touch someone. It’s cool by The Pope. He won’t even fire you if you molest kids. Hot damn – just imagine the lunches you could get away with stealing from the rectory fridge!
• Relocation is Always an Option: No longer do I have to join the Navy to see the world…I can join the Catholic Church! If I’m not so great a fit for some ridiculous reason or another for a certain diocese, I can just get shipped off to another one where I might have an impact on God’s children.

Conversion Argument 3: The Pope Won’t Be My Friend on Facebook

You know the edict that you should never connect with your boss on your personal Facebook page? Well, Pope Daddy is never going to be my friend on Facebook! He’s a dude I can trust to stay out of my personal life completely.  A man dedicated to doctrine instead of discipline, he’s going to go after those lippy gossipers over by the water cooler and going to leave the fact that I had a three-way with my best friend and her boyfriend the hell alone. Finally – a boss who stays out of my business and takes care of those uppity honor students and their “progressive” ways.

Conversion Argument 4: Benefits, Benefits, Benefits

No matter what ails me, I’m going to have health care when I go to work for Pope Daddy. They take care of therapy for pedophiles, approve the use of condoms to prevent sexually transmitted disease, and they’re all about charity to promote health through the consortium of hospitals in their vast medical system. Honestly, Kaiser Permanente can kiss my lily white ass after reading what I can get by switching over to the REAL God Squad. So much for $50 to see a specialist and a $1500 deductible. I’ll stop by the Sunday Schools, pick up a few kiddos and line up at the door for some real therapeutic care.

Conversion Argument 5: You Can’t HANDLE The Pope!

Having worked in the Marketing and Public Relations space for quite some time, I know spin when I see it. I have to tip my hat when I see a job well-done. During one of the holiest weeks of the year, the Church is spinning the most elaborate set of yarns EVAH. Maureen Dowd offered-up a stellar op-ed piece about the Holy Week spin doctoring, but instead of bashing, I’m going to say – hey! Every company out there WISHES they had a PR team like the Catholic Church. Just check out some of the slugs they could pump into the mediasphere:

Catholicism: We Separate the Men from the Boys…and find ways to bring them together after hours

Semantics: a Study in Accordance With Vatican II

You Blame Canada – We’ll Blame the Gays: Catholicism – Your Partners for Equal Treatment Under God

Criticize Us. We Can Take It. Now Shut Up.

If you can spin it, you can win it. A solid PR and Marketing team just makes my decision to convert a lock.

Conversion Argument – The Final Chapter

Back in 2007, the Catholic Church took a beating to the tune of $660 million because their boys couldn’t keep their hands off of little boy’s toys. With 580 victims set to receive damages from that case, each plaintiff made out to the tune of $1.13M each.

Honestly, this could be a cult that worships a giant purple people eater. If I stand to file a lawsuit for a little boob grazing and win a princely sum of $1.13M, I’ll line-up as victim 581. Hell, I’ll even have t-shirts made! It’s clear that becoming a Catholic aligns perfectly with my penchant for indecent behavior, a solid set of health care benefits and appreciation for a sound marketing and public relations plan. Honestly, there’s no reason for me to fight the faith anymore.

But I’m wondering – how does the entire priesthood feel about that whole “do unto others” thing? Ponder…

Post from: Toy With Me

Why I’m Converting to Catholicism

My issue this week is that sexual orientation now apparently has age restrictions and I think it’s bullshit. You’re reading this week’s column and I thank you for coming back – by the end of this week’s rant, you’re going to see why, once again, I have a fundamental problem with fundamentalists and why I think public school administrators need to start acting like voices of reason instead of backwoods homophobic fundamentalist pricks afraid that someone’s “gay” is going to rub-off on a student body.

Gay Happens…

Gay happens. So does straight. So does bisexuality.

So, why the hell is “gay” such a shocker and when did the edict come down that people can’t tell what they like until a certain age? Sure I understand that a minor can’t enter into a legally binding contract and you need parental consent for lots of things before you hit the golden age of 18. I know that you can’t legally get liquored-up until you’re 21 and that the zipless fuck with that boy you lurv in the backseat of an ’84 Lincoln where neither of you brought condoms but you really don’t care because he promises to pull out before he ‘splodes…well, that’s a bad idea at any age.

If you can raise a child to believe in God at age 4, why can’t we understand that sexual orientation happens and there is no age restriction on our personal preferences for men or women…or both?

I Like Dick (not Ike)

I’ve done “college gay.” Hell, I’ve done “college gay” as late as 2006 (and I graduated in 1996) and I can tell you – girls are great kissers. But when it comes right down to it, I can’t deny that I get the same tingly sensation when my boyfriend puts his hand on my tits as I did in fifth grade when a guy whose name I can no longer remember groped me on the school bus. I like dick. I knew it when I was 12. And I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who knew they liked dick at age 12, too.

As a culture, we raise children and fuel their growth based on preference. You like Thomas the Train? Bratz? Dora the Explorer? SURE! Mass Commerce ensures that we have an endless supply of accessories and whatnot so that we can cater to a child’s expressed preferences. We’re AOK with kids expressing that they like Star Wars, the color orange and playing basketball but there’s suddenly this underlying stigma attached to an expression of sexual preference.

Especially if it’s not heterosexual in nature.

Let Me Get This Straight…

If what the recent news has brought to light is correct, then it’s perfectly acceptable to be straight when you’re under 18 and gay is completely out of the question. For all that’s fucking holy, if I was expected to pick a major at age 17 for my college applications, wouldn’t I also be pretty damn entitled to make a choice about my sexuality?

I went on Twitter on Tuesday and lobbed a poll from both my @DearRedhead and @RedheadWriting accounts. For all my trying to almost 7000 followers, I couldn’t find a single person who would speak out against the gay prom date scenario. Not one person stood up. Apparently closet homophobes only shut their mouths when people ask them to speak. Granted, I have a fairly liberal following across the board but am fully aware that there are those of a more conservative ilk in my herd. If it’s true and not one of the 7000 folks following me had a single negative thing to say about a gay student being allowed to bring a gay date to his or her prom, then I consider myself to be in the company of open-minded folk who are more concerned about healthcare and why human sacrifice could turn bricks red. Yes, you may lodge a collective whatthefuck now.

What Are We Teaching?

It simply astounds me that we continue to be a nation where we’re worried that a student’s “gay” is going to rub-off on the rest of the student body. Late last year, my alma mater (Nimitz High School – Houston, Texas) sent home a transgender student (male) who decided to wear women’s clothing to school one day. Appalled…that was me (and delighted to no longer be a Texas resident). I stand firm when I say that school administrators who are calling attention to students who choose to dress differently and express their sexual preferences in a healthy manner are doing more to impede intellectual growth than foster it. Should boys be allowed to wear skirts to school? Fuck yeah – if he’s passing his classes. Girls can wear pants and cheerleaders can wear skirts that don’t meet the “fingertip test” so why the hell can’t a dude throw on a kilt or a little Donna Karan for good measure?

By calling these students out, school administrators are making them targets for hate. And don’t stand there and tell me “the students had it coming.” They know it. They’re already facing an uphill battle by the simple fact they feel comfortable in a different mode than their heterosexual peers and have a lifetime ahead of stares and ugly glances from folks who judge those who don’t meet their own parameters for “acceptable.” How many students in classes past have gone stag to prom out of fear that they couldn’t bring a date of the same sex? How many didn’t go to their proms at all? (Redhead raises her hand, but that’s only because I was dumped 3 weeks beforehand by my boyfriend in favor of two girls. Yes – TWO girls.) If we stop drawing attention to what’s considered “acceptable” social behavior and focus on…oh, I dunno…important shit like making sure students actually learn enough to not end up at the bottom of the academic pile?

The Round-Up

If you couldn’t stand to read my entire diatribe, here are the broad strokes for the Dear Redhead folks:

• If a kid knows they like
  • playing baseball
  • In-n-Out hamburgers
  • Blue t-shirts
  • And they know they don’t like
    • Peas
    • Tom Cruise
    • Mowing the lawn
    • And we encourage them to
      • Choose what they’re going to spend the next 4 years studying when they’re 17
      • Respect others
      • Not act like a jackass

Then, we can

• Understand that they’re perfectly capable of understanding whether they like the good ‘ol Texas Hangdown or eating at the Y
• Be comfortable in the fact that we each made our own choice with regards to sexuality and let our children experience the same process (regardless of how it turns out).

And our school administrators need to focus on

• Education.
• Encouraging acceptance among students.
• Driving diversity not homogeneity.

And when that’s all done, we can finally see the upside to a fabulously gay prom:

• Less risk for teen pregnancy
• Brilliant fashion choices
• Women who look good in a tux
• Guys who look great in dresses
• And the sure-fire inclusion of dance faves like YMCA and We Will Rock You.
• Design By Reese

Post from: Toy With Me

CDC No Longer Considers “Gay” a Disease

If I applied for new health coverage today, I’d be uninsurable. This, I know – because I tried.

Back in July of 2009, a simple accident resulted in a shattered tibia/fibula in my left ankle, netting me eight screws, one plate and six excruciating weeks on a pair of crutches. Apparently, this is a “major surgery” and the Percocet they prescribed me for pain management following surgery is “serious medication.” I slipped, fell and now…I’m uninsurable as a result of these two things as well “asthma.” Mind you, the asthma was disclosed on my initial health care application and they still insured me (with an approximate 20% upcharge for associated risk).

Denial based on breast implants, major surgery, serious medication and asthma.

As we’re approaching an era where a national health care option for the United States is possible, I’m stepping back this week to say I’m sick and tired of the bickering. I bust my ass to grow my business and the reward I get for making a go of it on my own is a health care and self-employment tax penalty.

And I think it’s horse shit.

Before I share my list of requests from the government in this country I’m proud to call home, here’s a preemptive strike: I understand there are those who do not have health insurance. I get it that “I should be thankful for what I have” and all that jazz. For all that’s holy, I’m not asking for sexual favors as part of my health care plan. What I’m asking for is for my government to start acting like a business and less like a collective bunch of Yes Men and listen to the American public.

If you’re a regular reader of Dear Redhead (and I thank you), you may find some of my views surprising considering I’m a supporter of same-sex marriage, the abolition of DADT and the right to choose. I think it’s pathetic that we can raise millions of dollars for earthquake relief in third world countries yet if asked to donate the same amount of money to lessen the federal deficit we’d roll our eyes and offer a staunch “hell no.” These are odd times in which we live and I feel our priorities as a nation have skewed so that we can’t see the forest for the trees.

Enough of the New Coke Healthcare Campaign

Remember back in the mid-80s when Coca-Cola decided that it wasn’t good enough? It released New Coke. They slammed the campaign through, kinda like Pepsi Clear. That’s what my government is doing with healthcare reform. You’re slamming a campaign through to fix something that people say needs fixing. I’m not arguing with the need for a “fix.” But what I don’t need is a syrupy-sweet placebo that’s going to be rushed and ill conceived because you have people screaming for answers. Sit down. Map a course. Think like a corporation. Understand the costs, ramifications and disclose your plan to your shareholders: the American public. I an still unclear as to what’s going to come down the pipe funded by my tax dollars if this reform bill should pass. I’m terrified that what’s coming is another AdWeek headline about a failed advertising campaign instead of an actual operable and sound solution set for the health care issues that my friends and I face. Lord knows, it took years upon years for the health care industry to become as corrupt and exclusive as it is today – how do you dare tell the American public that it’s something to be remedied in the first 18 months of a new Presidential administration?

Put the Human Back in Health Care

I go to see doctors for care, not an automated underwriting system. I am a healthy, childless female with great cholesterol results, CBC testing that gives no pause and athletic ability that allows me to aggressively pursue whatever I determine is my adventure-du-jour. I do not have asthma attacks and my boobs – saline-filled though they may be – are not a health risk. When I apply for a life insurance policy, I have to undertake a physical exam to qualify. If a doctor were to examine ME and not a computer-generated application, I’d be the ideal health insurance candidate. Active, low-risk, healthy diet, low to no risk factors.

But what a computer looks at is “triggers.”

Stop looking at me as an excuse to deny coverage and put the “human” back in health care. The message you’re sending me (and many other Americans) is that by forging our own way in our nation’s economy, we’re less worthy of care than those protected by a corporate umbrella where risk can be shared. You’re telling me that the life I’ve chosen for myself, one that’s active and healthy, is less insurable than the morbidly obese corporate lackey by nature of association. I don’t buy it. I understand that insurance companies are not charities and pre-existing conditions all have an associated risk. I want options for health care that allow for me to be considered as a person, not an application to be flagged by computer for probable denial.

Treat My Business Like Big Business

My entire life has been a collection of work, trials, successes and tribulations, culminating in the incredible place I exist in today as a small business owner. Where others are struggling, I’m breaking down walls and seeking alliances in order to expand my business. Yet I am a company of ONE. If I walked into an ad agency today and accepted a position as a W2 employee, my health care concerns would be silenced as I’d have the entire company to absorb whatever risk I pose with my saltwater boobs and asthma that lets me train to race bicycles and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro without the use of an inhaler.

I want my government to begin rewarding small business owners with the greatest gift possible: equal opportunity. Stop hitting me with a self-employment tax and telling me my “group of one” poses too much risk for me to get better healthcare. Especially if I’m willing to pay for it. I find it astonishing that my current insurance provider, Kaiser Perm, will continue to insure me (and raise my rates) on my current plan but will not allow me to pay $50-$75/month for a better plan because I had crap luck and took a fall down a few stairs. And no – my breast implants did not cause me to be “top heavy” and cause the fall and I was breathing fine at the time, I’m confident.

Offer Me Options, Not Ultimatums

As it currently stands, the healthcare reform bill is a pass/fail measure. Back to my point of running healthcare reforms like a slick (headed for failure) ad campaign, stop trying to shove the entire Thanksgiving turkey down your throat in one bite. Or rather, down MY throat.

If you offered the American public and their Congressional affiliates bite-sized options instead of a “take all you want but eat all you take” approach, we might offer you a bit more buy in. The current dictatorial healthcare buffet does one thing and one thing only: divides this nation – the nation that elected you. Take steps. Healthcare was broken before Obama landed in office. It’s likely to be broken for a fair time to come. Those in Canada, the UK and Cuba (nations with socialized or subsidized medicine) still have those who attest their health care is broken in places. We’ll never have a plan that pleases everyone, so stop acting like Yes Men and put on your strategic marketing hats. Think in healthcare morsels.

Who is the target beneficiary? What will it provide them? Who will it NOT serve? What are the pros and cons?

Tell us. We’re listening. We’re not idiots. We want explanations. We’re smart enough to determine if those explanations are answers for our particular situations.

So, there you have it: four simple demands from a demanding redhead in Denver, Colorado. My health insurance premiums are paid-up and I just had a voluntary follow-up with my orthopedic surgeon who was astounded at my strength, activity level and range of motion in my left ankle. And I’ll also add that he was appalled when I told him Kaiser denied my insurance application for a better plan citing “major surgery” and “serious medication.” I believe his exact quote was, “It was an accident!”

Yes. Yes, it was. And if we’re not careful, we’re headed for an even bigger accident with healthcare in this country. But it won’t be an accident. It will be very deliberate.

Post from: Toy With Me

The Redhead Healthcare Manifesto

If you’re new to Dear Redhead, I’ll sum-up my fiber in a few phrases:

• I support our military with fervor and believe all should have the right to serve, regardless of sexual orientation. Americans are Americans.

• I have no tolerance for evangelical Christian fundamentalism that cries foul when national policy doesn’t support their preaching of hate. If there is a God, I think he’s a kind a loving one, accepting of all walks of life – not just those that walk in step with your path. Americans are Americans.

• I would appreciate it if the government would keep their laws out of my va-jay-jay (and everyone else’s for that matter).

• I am a fiscal conservative and a social moderate.

• Oh, and I write an op-ed column for a website specializing in sexy commentary and reviews of adult toys. The horror. Some folks have called it porn. PORN!

I’m also a businesswoman. I own my own online strategies consulting firm and am endlessly delighted that I am well compensated to do what I love for a living. When I consider business relationships and potential clients, I have to ask: how will we work together? Will we “click?” (whoops – almost wrote “cock” there – thank peanut butter for spell check!). I look at potential Presidential candidates with the same criteria: how will you represent this nation I love to the world beyond our borders?

In other words: could my leader kick someone’s ass in a cage fight? McCain was a total loss for me. Flipper arms. No way could he defend an attack to the head. Obama? Arms that work, an “outside voice…” A bit of a rough side. A smoker. While a deplorable habit, I could see him snuffing-out a butt on Bin Laden’s bomb-wielding noggin given the proper motivation.

Dear Redhead reader, I present to you the Republican Party’s portrait of the ideal candidate (to-date). Holy fucking shit – the Presidential front-runner wears hot pants? Slap me and call me Sally – I should have stayed on the pole. I could have been a contenda. I could totally take her in a cage fight.

Palin’s Got Great Tits, but Marketing is Key

But it doesn’t mean I see her running the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. Rather, I see her doing keg stands at a frat party. I’ve got great tits, too, but they only come out in social situations via a tad of cleaving, not on the cover of national magazines. Hell, if I were looking at the sweater kittens popping into a national rag, I’d sell ‘em to Penthouse or Playboy. Redheads have real estate value…Palin? Hell. I’m climbing up the cage walls and pouncing on her Cross My Heart. If you’re going to use sex as a weapon, load the guns and take some motherfuckers out in the process. Don’t cry foul…more on that later.

Celebrity Versus Cogency

I have to agree with Ron Hart: Palin’s more suited to win a swimsuit competition than she is a political debate. I need a leader with cogency, not celebrity. Someone well liked, not an icon. I need the person who is willing to be the asshole, not the emerging ingénue only looking for her next blockbuster.

What I don’t need is a national figurehead who resigned the political office to which she was elected (some say “selflessly”) to pursue a gig with a broadcast cable news outlet to further her ambitions for a higher political office. From her God-knows-why bestselling book to speaking engagements to station on FOX News, I’d prefer my Presidential candidate to be honing his or her skills for the 4 years between races doing…oh, I dunno…serving our nation? She had a gig doing just that and she gave it up for pancake makeup, studio lighting and a teleprompter. Fuck knows, it sure beats writing on your hand, right?

When I sit down and think of a leader to represent my nation, I think of a person smart enough to not pose for a ridiculous cover shot for a national magazine like Newsweek. And here’s another beef: Palin claims she thought it was destined for Runner’s World…seriously. It simply makes no sense. Runner’s World has a monthly circulation of 640,000. Newsweek, a circulation of 1.5 million per month. She’s showing more leg than is allowable in most public schools in the United States – the distribution channel doesn’t matter. Jesusgodinheaven, I thought mixing Everclear with two cups of Hawaiian Punch was better than mixing it with just one (when I was 15). I was wrong – it fucked me up right and proper BOTH ways. Much like Palin.

I also think about someone smart enough to not bash domestic health care reform and then claim her family sought medical care in Canada. Convenience is the mother of choosing sides: when courting an audience, it’s key to show you relate. However, read the entirety of that article. In 2007, she told people her family traveled by ferry to Juneau, Alaska for treatment. Now, I’m a product of the public school system, but methinks Juneau is still part of America (fuck, yeah). Bueller? Bueller?

While she’s parading around like a ring girl, I’m sneaking up behind her and pulling her hair in a not-so-nice way and pinning her to the mat. And I’m going to look hot when I do it.

Three (Seven) Faces of Eve

I’m a governor. I’m a Vice Presidential candidate. I’m a sex symbol. I’m a TV journalist (for FOX, term used loosely). I’m a potential reality show subject. I wanna be the President!

If I told my clients that I have as many diversions as Sarah Palin, I’d be hard-up for work. If you’re in HR, would you hire the candidate who explains how they have to be office at 5pm sharp to go walk their dogs and ride their bike so they can be home in time for House or the candidate who demonstrates that yes – they have a healthy work-life balance but they’re intrigued with future possibilities with the company?

She’s looking in way too many directions at once. I’m seeing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the kidneys accompanied by the UFC-sanctioned bitch slap.

Doesn’t Matter Who They Like – They Don’t Like YOU

It’s not just me. A “majority” of Americans polled in a recent Washington Post/ABC survey indicated that they feel Sarah Palin is unfit to serve as President (read the compilation from the Huffington Post here). While I don’t feel 1,004 random Americans constitutes a majority in all fairness, public sentiment is down, folks. It doesn’t matter who you hate in Washington – no one likes anyone else any more.

If you’re going to climb into the ring, you want folks to either love you or hate you. It’s the same with any effort you put forth in life: indifference is deadly. Whatever Palin’s doing, apparently the current administration is doing the same thing. When an audience dislikes both folks in ring the equally, they’re going to choose sides and fast. It may not go in your favor, so watch what you do before you get into the ring.

While Palin’s busy deciding what to bash next, I’m thinking it’s time to flash my boobs and gains some audience favor. She’s waaaay to worried about public perception of HER instead of the public’s perception of how she’s an advocate for THEM. I’m going for a titty-twister and…if I know Palin, that should take her down for the count. (Lord only knows it would me!)

Wrapping-Up

Cage fights are necessarily what kind of brawn you bring into the ring – they’re about focus. Distractions. If you give-up training to go get your hair done, all you’re going to do is look good when you go down and that’s really of no use to anyone other than a porn star. I’m not anti-Palin because she’s not Hillary or because she’s a woman. I’m against her from a tactical and brand image standpoint. She has horrific brand management and apparently feels she should be America’s darling regardless. I think it’s pretty telling when your own party’s pundits come out against you.

I’ll leave you with the words of Paul Mulshine, conservative newspaper columnist, who dubs Palin “Just Another Whiny Liberal Claiming Victimization.”

“Palin is motivated not by a coherent political philosophy so much as by a set of inchoate urges. She has never given any indication that she has an identifiable political philosophy, conservative or liberal. She is not so much a political figure as a sort of national fertility symbol.”

I’ll take on Palin, but I’m staying out of the ring with Mulshine.

Now, tell me readers: what cage fighting moves have I missed? Give me your issue with Palin and the appropriate cage fight tactic. I’m honing my skillz, yo.

Post from: Toy With Me

I Could Totally Take Sarah Palin in a Cage Fight

My entire 16 years as a resident of Texas were shattered in an instant. Apparently, not everything is bigger in Texas.

Condomania, makers of the TheyFit line of condoms, compiled data based on measurements associated with their “Fit Kit” which matches users with 76 different sized condoms based on erect length and girth. Based on the results from 27,000 men, they know whom to salute and published lists of the top 20 most sizeable cities and all 50 states ranked by their crank.

Another Reason to “Head” to Mardi Gras

New Orleans ranks as head honcho in the prickography rankings by city. After all these years, I thought Mardi Gras was about the boobs-for-beads exchange. I’m wrong. If you’re in search of something more fulfilling than beads, The Big Easy is waiting. I was pretty impressed by the Super Bowl upset but given this info, I’m really not all that surprised: Indianapolis was only 13^th on the city-specific list of schlong.

Objects in the Mirror are Larger than They Appear

While New Hampshire may only be 9,351 square miles, it’s the biggest swinging dick of them all in prick. Unless you’re from there, it’s unlikely you’ve thought twice about this blink-and-you’ll-miss-it New England gem. Well, here’s some other awesome shit about New Hampshire you never wanted to know:

• Four-Legged Chicken. You can see one at the Woodman Institute in Dover (get in the motherfucking car. NOW).

• Stevie Ray Vaughan – eat your heart out. The author of the famous rhyme (Sarah Josepha Hale), “Mary Had a Little Lamb” was from Newport, NH. That’s hot.

Perhaps they should change their state motto from “Live Free or Die” to “Go Big or Go Home.” Just a thought.

We All Knew Politicians Tend to Exaggerate

The truth is in: politicians are liars. I know – say it’s not so. But Condomania’s study indicates that Washington, D.C. is only SECOND in prickonomics. New Orleans, a city duly fucked by FEMA during Katrina, has the last hurrah – our dicks are bigger than yours. New Orleans makes better blues music and here’s an awesome tidbit: blue states have bigger dicks than red ones. Gonna have to assume that red states rank higher in cases of blue balls as a result.

Yeee-ha…ha-ha-ha

The joke’s on you, Texas. Dallas/Ft. Worth ranks dead last in dick size. As a Texan (raised in Houston, born in Alabama…shut it), my world is shattered. What you’re telling me is that not only is the phrase “It’s bigger in Texas” a lie, but since Texas ranks a measly 35^th out of 50 states in penis size, that George W. Bush may indeed have a small, red state schlong? I don’t know what I can do with all of this new information in one day.

A Lesson in Dickenomics

New Hampshire isn’t small. Texas isn’t big. Politicians lie. Hurricane Katrina wasn’t the biggest thing to hit Louisiana. But let’s go beyond the numbers and look at this study as fodder for a different kind of stimulus plan. Let’s look at some schiz, using a handy dandy spreadsheet:

It’s simple numbers, folks: spending more doesn’t make you a big swinging dick. The State of New Hampshire boasts the highest income per capita according to the U.S. Census Bureau, has a very modest GDP and rather spectacular size rankings. Texas, in all it’s glory, is only ranked 38^th in per capita income, has a huge GDP and (apparently) a bunch of residents wishing all of the urban legends were true. Louisiana sits smack in the middle, partially obliterated by a hurricane and while a paltry per capita income ranking of 49^th out of 50, they’re a pleasing 7^th in penile.

I knew that New Orleans would triumph again. A Super Bowl title (explained above), a city returning from true desolation to a lively Mardi Gras celebration and now, the model for Dickenomics. They may not be first in GDP… their residents may make a modest living.

But they sure do know how to swing.

If Washington started paying more attention to statistics like penis size we may see an interesting paradigm shift. A decrease in braggadocio accompanied by an increase in personal productivity. There’s something that New Hampshire’s doing right, and it ain’t just good genes. A prick is still a prick (and Washington has those in spades) but perhaps what Washington needs to light a fire under this economic weirdness at present is a sit-down, rock hard lesson in Dickenomics. Not the kind that Cheney would deliver, either. God knows, he chose Palin as a running mate and that’s proof alone that thinking with your dick is a bad idea. But Dickenomics breaks down to this:

It’s not about size. It’s not about money. It’s about strength and a collective willingness to get the job done. Kinda like a good romp in the sack. A $400 per night whore will lie to you and say Captain Fantastic is fantastic but a guy who makes less money than you may be the lay of you life. It’s about using what you’ve got – brains, chemistry, resources, a kitchen table. It’s Dickenomics. And we’re lacking it in Washington these days.

The reality of Dickenomics is simply this: size isn’t everything, but it does matter. We knew all along that the voices of Washington were filled with some fish stories and that Texans were prone to brag. Perhaps that’s why Washington, D.C. and Texas are so far down in the rankings. Fish stories and filibustering aren’t going to get you anywhere in a Super Bowl or the Senate. You can sit there and brag to your date about how big your dick is, but when the pants finally come off, you’re the one who stands on trial. Who knew that a study on penis size would lay it all out on the kitchen table that so many of you like to be bent over?

Now I ask you, dear readers: is there a relocation in your future? Are there famous folks from states of note with whom you’d like to have your very own Dickenomics roundtable?

(Note: I’m filing a grievance regarding Colorado’s ranking. My better half should have blown the bell curve on it’s ranking as 40^th out of 50 states and Denver’s most average 16^th place among cities. I’m willing to submit evidence – but I ain’t sharin’.)

Post from: Toy With Me

Dickenomics – Penis Sizes Ranked By State

What I do remember, however, is not having any desire to have sex for the next two years. Not because I was scarred, traumatized or anything of the sort. It was a combination of two things:

I wasn’t interested and there weren’t any candidates.

Why? I was a nerd.

Yes, those are huge glasses with a violet tint to the lenses. And that’s a motherfucking TROPHY. I was a competitive geek, more interested in grades than dick. This held true until the summer before my senior year of high school when I met Shawn.

Shawn was 19 – an older boy! We started dating and everything was pretty sweet. We listened to music, talked about music, kissed and held hands. And you betcha – we also had sex. We turned up the music in his room and with his mom and dipshit little wiener dog James (who always pissed on me when I came over) in the next room, we’d do it.

And then one day, Shawn looks up at me with a look on his face like I just kicked his pee-factory dog.

“The condom broke.”

Four weeks later, I had an abortion at age 17.

Moving On

To friends and family who might read this week’s column – yeah. That’s what I was doing when I was running out of Mr. Stanford’s history class the beginning of senior year. Puking. I have no regrets, no shame about how things turned out. At age 37, I love my life, my friends, family and all who grace me each day – I would have none of what I love so much had the sliding door slid another way. Wish it never happened? No.

What I wish is that someone had sat my punk ass down and talked to me about The Pill.

Y’see, kids do stupid shit. From the day our mothers kick us out of the womb to the day we die, we’re going to do stupid shit. Repeatedly. And a large proportion of the stupid shit we do occurs during adolescence. That’s why I’ve got an issue with abstinence-only sex education.

In my eyes, it’s like fucking for virginity and bombing for peace. Largely a product of the conservative Christian community, sex is often a vilified act riddled with shame. My word – what if we fuck-up and…fuck? Well, it’s hellfire and eternal damnation, as who’s going to want someone who’s not a virgin?

<raises hand – ME! ME! But I digress…>

This past week, I caught wind of this gem of a “study” that purports that “abstinence works.” Well, tickle my ass and call me Susan. Of COURSE abstinence works.

If I lock myself in the house all day long, it’s (pretty much) impossible to be hit by a car.

Honestly, I’m not impressed. We’ll get back to the “study” of 662 “young girls” in a moment. Grab a chai – we’re going to dish for a bit.

Let’s start with the surprising knowledge that abstinence-only programs only came of age in 1999-2000 in the U.S. 1996’s Welfare Reform Act earmarked $50 million in funds to be used for the purpose of teaching “abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school-age children.”

Kabam. There you have it.

Then, Gee-dubyah came along and said to hell with separation of church and state and initiated CBAE grants (Community Based Abstinence Education). Now, not only could states tap that awesome pool of WRA funds, but community organizations (including religious ones) could access CBAE money. Praise Jesus – pass the chastity belt. Newsweek offers this interesting tidbit:

“During the Bush administration, funding for abstinence education more than doubled, from $80 million in 2001 to $200 million in 2007, according to figures from the Congressional Budget Office.”

Newsweek also offers the following information:

“In 2007, a federally funded study of four abstinence programs found its students no more likely to abstain than those in a comprehensive program. At the same time, comprehensive programs that discuss contraceptives and their use received better, although by no means perfect, marks. Researcher Doug Kirby’s 2008 review of 48 studies of comprehensive curriculums found that two-thirds either reduced frequency of sex or number of sexual partners. By time Obama cut Title V abstinence-education funds from his budget, 25 states had already begun rejecting the money, 16 because they didn’t agree ideologically or weren’t seeing results, the others for administrative reasons.”

Now, if you want to read more than Newsweek, you can do so here on a comprehensive article that recounts the results of multiple abstinence-only programs.

So if it doesn’t work, what’s all the bitching about the demise of abstinence-only programs about?

Where I Stand, With My Mouth Open

I’m of the school of thought that abstinence should be taught in conjunction with safe sex education. Condom use, birth control options, STD prevention…let’s go back to the premise that kids fuck up. People fuck up. A 40-year-old can catch Chlamydia just as easy as a 15-year-old. The difference? The 15-year-old needs parental consent to get thee to a clinic.

Once again, I polled the Twitterverse and my followers on Facebook: give me your views on abstinence-only education. I wanted parental perspectives, thoughts from across the nation, male, female…I got ‘em. And the most surprising thing about the reactions?

No one’s against teaching abstinence, but they all agree: it should be a part of a comprehensive sex education program. Let’s review the personal stories and the angles from which people approach this testy (giggle – I said testy…and I damn well know the entendre is “teste!”) issue:

Raised Mormon

“I grew up in a Mormon household and started dating my son’s father when I was nearly 16. We waited almost a year before we had sex. I was in love with him and emotionally/physically ready at that age. However, the guilt I felt after having sex was horrid.  I remember sitting in church at 15 and them telling us we would go to…well, basically Mormon Hell if we had sex before marriage and not to masturbate.  I wanted to melt into my seat at that service. My mom and dad told me the basics about sex, but of course never mentioned masturbation.  I got on birth control right away but had to hide it and live in terror that my mom and dad would find it. Growing up in a household where abstinence was preached didn’t keep me from having sex. What it DID do is keep me from really enjoying sex and becoming comfortable with my sexual self for a long time. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I really understood and was comfortable with many aspects of my sexuality.”

Lisa – Colorado

Hi – I’m a Mom and the Joke’s on My Kid

My daughter is a freshman at a high school in Jeffco, forced to take a semester of phys ed. (Turns out she likes it! Joke’s on her!).

She told me all about the two-day “WAIT Training,” partly because I bombarded her with questions – I had to sign permission slips for her to look at line drawings of penises in 5th and 7th grade, so why wasn’t I told that the Abstinence Police were coming?

The more I heard, the better I felt about it. The messages seemed to be to think about what you’re doing, understand that there are some primal communication differences between girls and guys, and also understand that the culture has ways of making you believe that everybody’s doing it but you, everybody’s smoother or prettier or more popular than you and sex = instant grownup status.

Nothing about Jesus wanting you to wait, or your virginity being a beautiful gift, or any of that.

For the second day, they had to find a magazine ad with a sexual undertone. My daughter ripped out the first perfume ad she found, then came out of the bathroom waving the perfect ad, from a food magazine — the one where a guy and a girl are gazing at each other across a crowded elevator. She’s obviously smitten with the giant … tumescent … loaf of Tillamook cheese he’s holding. Vertically.

So yeah, my daughter gets it.”

Lisa the Mom – Denver area

The Dude (with kids) Speaks

Trying to prevent teenagers from having sex is like trying to stop water from flowing downhill. You can create the illusion that you have succeeded but ultimately the dam will break and the water will continue on its predetermined way. And teenagers will continue to have sex.

We got that lesson with my youngest – he was 15 he had sex with his GF (she was 14).

They planned it thoroughly, stopping by Rite Aid to buy lube and condoms then doing the deed when no one was around. When we came home we thought it was really, really weird that he was sitting quietly doing his homework, the dishes were in the sink, his bed was made and room picked up. That had never happened. A few hours later we got a call from his GF’s mother, freaking, that they had had SEX and WHAT THE HELL WERE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!?!?!

We had THE TALK with them and from that day on, our son was the model kid. Good grades, homework on time without hounding, clean room and laundry in the basket, etc. The surprise here was that from that day on, everything was on the table. We have very adult conversations about marriage, family, kids, how many, when, etc. And these are conversations we rarely have with our adult friends and never have with our older son. Wild.

Teenage sex was the best thing that ever happened to him.”

An anonymously awesome dude

I’m 27 and Think We Should Teach the Little Fuckers the Consequences

“I feel that if we did explore these topics (abstinence, STDs, birth control, etc.) in sex ed, the awareness of both the cons and pros would allow kids today to be held responsible for their choices. It’s time to take control and accept what we decide to not face. But in educating teenagers in other methods besides abstinence and not skirt around the topic of avoiding sex all together, I’m sure you will find a bigger improvement in them making a smart, responsible decision about their sexual health and we’ll begin to see the positive elements, opposed to the shocking stupidity that is common in that age.

In conclusion, sex education classes should not promote just abstinence as their sole platform in sex ed. Europeans have been, mainly the Dutch, have included safe sex methods (like putting on a condom properly, etc.) in their sex ed curriculum for years and with success. It allows options and the more options they have, the more they will begin to think about the consequences that accompany each option. Why keep promoting Utopia when there is a war going on daily around us? Offer a solution – don’t be apart of the problem. Teach the little fuckers how to put on a condom already.”

Andy-a-la-Twitter

A Perspective from a (real) 40-year-old Virgin

My problem with abstinence education is that it’s based upon fear. Fear of being rejected by god, church, or society. Fear of catching an STD. Fear of getting pregnant and altering your potential in life. A man should never be taught to be abstinent until they are married.  The amount of self-confidence that is lost destroys your future worth substantially. As for women, they should be choosey and there are benefits to your health and livelihood that accompany not having sex.  But everyone should be taught all the options, given the pluses and minuses and allowed to make their own decision. Taught that having sex can be enjoyable and given the information of the health benefits that go along with having an active sex life. People shouldn’t be taught that sex is bad and have fear motivate their abstinence.”

Another awesome anonymous dude

Acknowledging that the readership on ToyWithMe is of open mind, heart and oftentimes, legs and mouth, I don’t feel ashamed about my stances on the puritanical, Utopian (thank you, Andy) viewpoint of the abstinence-only crowd. What I’ve got a problem with is the religiously-fueled hype that keeps screaming that abstinence works.

Of course it works, you idiots. You can take your 662 “young girls” and rap their knuckles with a ruler for all I care. Your touting of abstinence as a panacea for the sexual woes of America’s youth is tragically misguided and blasted by the evidence I’ve cited above that clearly shows that abstinence-only programs are ineffective.

What I’ll say is this (and it’s the bottom line of this argument): we all agree that abstinence works and it’s a great component of a healthy sexual education. What we don’t agree on is what accompanies it in the curriculum. Those who say that it’s abstinence or the highway to hell are missing out on the beauty of human sexuality (and if you haven’t read Mary Roach’s BONK, you should – an astounding non-fiction read). There is more to sex than marriage. There’s more to marriage than sex. There are components of adolescent development that are glaringly absent from abstinence-only education, like the realities of the world we drive to work in each day. STDs exist. Pregnancies happen (thank heavens). Condoms break. Boys hit girls. Girls hit boys. People stalk people. How about teaching kids that it’s about loving who you are and equipping them with the tools they need to make the best decisions possible when life throws them a curveball?

Stop Blaming the System

I love kids, I want kids, I’m delighted to be with a man who has kids. Your kids are yours and they’re welcome to play with my hypothetical kids anytime on the playground. But why don’t you start being a parent and stop relying on the public school system to do your duty? Sheltering your children from sex only creates an environment of taboo and you’re going to flip your shit twice as fast as you flip the pancakes for breakfast when you find out little Amy and little Johnny got it on in your bed while you were out of town. Whatever your beliefs dictate, talk about it at home. At church. Where those conversations belong. Sex education in schools is meant to be scientific and factual – just like the day you dissect a frog in Biology class. You let the family dog run around showing its tits and dingaling for all the world to see. We are intelligent beings (well, for the most part). We get smarter as we get older (hopefully). Give your kids some credit – if they don’t hear it from you, they’ll hear it elsewhere. Wouldn’t you rather control the content?

If you want your kids to be educated along a religiously-based party line, enroll them in a private school and keep them the hell out of the classroom with the kids that are going to go on to be the scientists of tomorrow. And enjoy those religious schools while you’re at it. There was a lot of boning going on in my public high school, but I’m sure anyone who went to a religious school can tell you – there was more boning going on at theirs.

Start acting like parents and start treating teachers and administrators like the professionals they are – people trained to deliver subject-specific content to your children – instead of babysitters burdened with the deliverance of your message of the moral rights and mights of the world.

I’ll offer bonus points in this week’s comments section for dirty parochial school stories and other kickass comments about why the burden should be relieved from the teachers of America and placed on the parents.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shop for a naughty schoolgirl outfit.

Post from: Toy With Me

A Naughty Schoolgirl Mouths-Off About Abstinence