As a fan of the underdog, I’m going to come right out and say…

I’ve decided to convert to Catholicism.

Sticky, flat wafers, be damned! I’m going to confession and getting some rosary beads. The Redhead has found her calling, as she likes getting into boys’ pants as much as this organized bastion for sin. I mean, seriously – this dude, The Pope, is a guy I want to work for. He’s a talented dude! Not only can he turn a blind eye towards indiscretions while managing the largest real estate holding organization in the world, but he’s not intimidated by “petty gossip” that alludes to his employees. Damn straight, Pope Baby – you shut ‘em up and I get ‘em to sign-up. The Redhead and The Pope? An unbeatable combination of management and rationalization. Let’s review the top five reasons to convert to Catholicsm today:

Conversion Argument 1: Old Enough to Set the Table…

Apparently, if the boys are of pubescent age, it ain’t pedophilia – it’s homosexuality. Check out ardent defender of the Catholic Church, Bill Donahue, explain that it’s not the Church’s fault that priests can’t stop touching little boys…it’s the fault of the gay community:

I simply cannot believe that the last time I had a job where I had to clock in, I totally missed the opportunity to use the “blame the gays” excuse for being late! Apparently, I was gay and not really late at all. If The Pope had been my boss, this would have totally not been an issue.

Conversion Argument 2: I’m Never Going to Get Fired

Job security, folks. It’s a rough world economy out there. As a small business owner, I’m always in the situation where I could gain one client, lose two – it’s a month-to-month roller coaster ride! For all that’s holy, I wanna go work for Pope Daddy, ‘cause if I do, I’m never going to get fired.

• The AT&T Approach to Religion: Go ahead – reach out and touch someone. It’s cool by The Pope. He won’t even fire you if you molest kids. Hot damn – just imagine the lunches you could get away with stealing from the rectory fridge!
• Relocation is Always an Option: No longer do I have to join the Navy to see the world…I can join the Catholic Church! If I’m not so great a fit for some ridiculous reason or another for a certain diocese, I can just get shipped off to another one where I might have an impact on God’s children.

Conversion Argument 3: The Pope Won’t Be My Friend on Facebook

You know the edict that you should never connect with your boss on your personal Facebook page? Well, Pope Daddy is never going to be my friend on Facebook! He’s a dude I can trust to stay out of my personal life completely.  A man dedicated to doctrine instead of discipline, he’s going to go after those lippy gossipers over by the water cooler and going to leave the fact that I had a three-way with my best friend and her boyfriend the hell alone. Finally – a boss who stays out of my business and takes care of those uppity honor students and their “progressive” ways.

Conversion Argument 4: Benefits, Benefits, Benefits

No matter what ails me, I’m going to have health care when I go to work for Pope Daddy. They take care of therapy for pedophiles, approve the use of condoms to prevent sexually transmitted disease, and they’re all about charity to promote health through the consortium of hospitals in their vast medical system. Honestly, Kaiser Permanente can kiss my lily white ass after reading what I can get by switching over to the REAL God Squad. So much for $50 to see a specialist and a $1500 deductible. I’ll stop by the Sunday Schools, pick up a few kiddos and line up at the door for some real therapeutic care.

Conversion Argument 5: You Can’t HANDLE The Pope!

Having worked in the Marketing and Public Relations space for quite some time, I know spin when I see it. I have to tip my hat when I see a job well-done. During one of the holiest weeks of the year, the Church is spinning the most elaborate set of yarns EVAH. Maureen Dowd offered-up a stellar op-ed piece about the Holy Week spin doctoring, but instead of bashing, I’m going to say – hey! Every company out there WISHES they had a PR team like the Catholic Church. Just check out some of the slugs they could pump into the mediasphere:

Catholicism: We Separate the Men from the Boys…and find ways to bring them together after hours

Semantics: a Study in Accordance With Vatican II

You Blame Canada – We’ll Blame the Gays: Catholicism – Your Partners for Equal Treatment Under God

Criticize Us. We Can Take It. Now Shut Up.

If you can spin it, you can win it. A solid PR and Marketing team just makes my decision to convert a lock.

Conversion Argument – The Final Chapter

Back in 2007, the Catholic Church took a beating to the tune of $660 million because their boys couldn’t keep their hands off of little boy’s toys. With 580 victims set to receive damages from that case, each plaintiff made out to the tune of $1.13M each.

Honestly, this could be a cult that worships a giant purple people eater. If I stand to file a lawsuit for a little boob grazing and win a princely sum of $1.13M, I’ll line-up as victim 581. Hell, I’ll even have t-shirts made! It’s clear that becoming a Catholic aligns perfectly with my penchant for indecent behavior, a solid set of health care benefits and appreciation for a sound marketing and public relations plan. Honestly, there’s no reason for me to fight the faith anymore.

But I’m wondering – how does the entire priesthood feel about that whole “do unto others” thing? Ponder…

Post from: Toy With Me

Why I’m Converting to Catholicism

No related posts.

(and do I have to move to Canada to scream it?)

I read the news sparingly. Reason? There’s enough doom and gloom in this world without my days being thrown out of whack by some plasticized TV journalist’s skewed view on all the happenings fit to broadcast. I don’t need to see a young luger’s tragic crash. I don’t need to see a killer whale indulge in a Sea World Staff Snack. My Google Readers suits me fine and I can click or skip as I please on a per-headline basis.

Hot out of the frying pan and into the brimstone and damnation fire this week is the current Presidential administration’s recent meeting with nonreligious advocacy groups on Washington’s sacred soil. White House Aides welcomed the Secular Coalition for America, a group comprised of “atheists, agnostics, humanists, freethinkers and other nontheistic Americans,” to discuss the specific issues of child medical neglect, military proselytizing and faith-based initiatives. This is a Presidential administration’s first-ever meeting with a group of “nonbelievers.” Not surprising since such groups were mentioned in his inaugural address.

I started some click-digging across the interwebz, intrigued to learn more about the matter. I stumbled across a well-written article from my hometown publishing behemoth (The Houston Chronicle). Brief and concise, I found myself at the end of the article and face-first into the comments section.

Holy shit. And even shit that isn’t holy.

Texas is a Red State. I grew up there and the majority of my family still lives there. It’s three notches in the Bible Belt whereas every other state can only claim one. Here’s some of the intellectual input from readers on the above article:

Go figure this fake and useless president would meet with a bunch of fake and useless sinners on their way to Hell.

oslama the muslum (sic) lover meets with other atheists

It is my understanding that next week Obama meets with Lassie.

Why not meet with everyone? I mean he’s met with Republicans and they’ve proven themselves to be idiotic. He may as well meet with the rest.

What a waste of a Presidency this is turning into.

I can’t deny that there were some well thought-out retorts to the epic fucktardery above. What amazes me most, however, is that one’s religious preferences dictate patriotism.

It’s a not-so-slippery slope if you look at the matter from other behavioral practices:

• If I am a man and have sex with other men, I am engaging in homosexual behavior.

• If I am a woman and have sex with other women, I am engaging in lesbian behavior.

• If I live in America and I don’t believe in the Christian ideal of God, then I am a bad American.

Sing with me, kids – “One of these things is not like the other…”

What is it with the evangelical Christian sect that feels the need to decimate, denigrate and otherwise demean those who don’t subscribe to their thought process?

Defining Religion

Not trusting myself to offer you a definition myself, the interwebz saved me again via Dictionary.com:

re·li·gion [ri-lij-uhn]

–noun

1. a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

2. a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects: the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion.

3. the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices: a world council of religions.

4. the life or state of a monk, nun, etc.: to enter religion.

5. the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith.

6. something one believes in and follows devotedly; a point or matter of ethics or conscience: to make a religion of fighting prejudice.

Let’s pay particular attention to numbers 2 and 6…If we consider that atheists and nontheists are dedicated to following a life that needs no deity as a guide and that there are a number of persona who agree upon living their lives in the same manner, would that not mean that we could assert that both atheists and nontheists are practicing a religion?

A recent hullabaloo in Illinois got me thinking. This Republican dude (William J. Kelly – candidate for Comptroller) in Chicago got himself a personal escort off the grounds of the Illinois state capital building back in December for removing a sign posted on its lawn by an atheist group.  Incidentally, the group had gone through the proper petition procedures to have its sign placed on the capitol lawn adjacent to a nativity scene and this is the second year the sign has been lawfully displayed.

The exact verbiage on the sign reads: “At the time of the winter solstice, let reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is just myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”

Kelly states that the sign is “”hate speech,” saying it’s not right for a sign that “mocks” religion to be placed next to a Christmas tree and nativity scene.

Funny. He didn’t say anything about the aluminum Festivus pole also on display nearby on the Illinois State Capitol lawn.

I guess Mr. Kelly is against multiple ideologies being on display in one place. I’m betting he’d have a shit time at The Smithsonian.

All Sides Have Their Evangelists and I Don’t Like Penetration Toys

The hate (and ignorance) spewed in the quoted comments from the Houston Chronicle along with Mr. Kelly’s actions reinforce something I always knew: all sides have their evangelists. We’ve met the man-hating lesbian. The queen who can’t stand straight dudes. The Christian with the un-Christian lack of tolerance for other faiths. The Democrat who would skewer a Republican and vice-versa. We can’t even agree that sex is good on a universal scale because of the not-so-thin veil of shame afforded the issue by religion. I will say one thing, however:

You don’t see atheists and nontheists bombing abortion clinics and driving wars that last decades…centuries. And I’m not asserting that religion is bad. I’m stating that evangelism is one thing – the promotion and support of an idea set. However, zealotry is something else entirely. It’s driven by hate and fear. And it’s the zealots who speak the loudest (or at least get the most airtime due to their fanatical behaviors). I think it’s quite intriguing as well that here’s even news that’s linking atheism with IQ. Perhaps science has its place in the moral/sexual landscape more than the fundies would be comfortable believing.

What the current administration has done by meeting with nontheist and atheist groups is offer a different, more inclusive view of patriotism.

As we’re a nation filled with people with unlimited potential and the framework for people from many ways of life to ultimately succeed, the Obama administration has opened the doors of the nation’s capitol and offered a refuge for those who live well but don’t subscribe to the Christian ideal. Across all faiths (and lacks thereof) there are people who are infinitely comfortable in their own skin. It’s the lack of security in one’s own beliefs that drives people to lash-out at others for holding contradictory thought. I mean, hell – I’m not a fan of penetration toys but do I damn those who are to hell? (Straight to hell, no batteries included.)

Americans are Americans

Free speech – it’s protected. Whether you like the speech or not has no bearing on how protected it might be. As with the sign on the Illinois lawn, it’s bitch-slapping time: not everyone believes what you do. Thank. Fucking. God. And it has no bearing on how “American” we are. I asked my Twitter community: how do you feel patriotism and religion are intertwined?

“Personally, my beliefs or lack thereof have no bearing on my patriotism. I am a former United States Marine, proudly and honorably serving for 6 years during the Gulf War. (1989-2005) I served because I am a proud American, and I defended our rights as Americans to worship as we choose (or not) and to speak our minds freely.” – Tammy Colson @TLColson

“Well, we are a country founded on people who were fleeing religious persecution. Yet, we’ve become a nation of religious persecutors. Our laws are very similar to the Ten Commandments (don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t be a fucktard…). However, there is the whole separation of Church and State. Yet, the Pledge of Allegiance and all of our currency has “God” all over it. I think we are the best country to be a religious nut in, because you basically have the entire government backing you up. To be a religious nut, you are basically allowed to say, “God is responsible for man.” We send a guy to the electric chair with the idea that God will give him the real punishment. To be an atheist and say that “Man is responsible for man” would give the believers a fucking conniption.”  – Dave Pennington

“The only way my atheism affects my patriotism is how the vocal minority tells me I’m un-American for not being Christian. This has less to do with atheism and much more to do with Christian evangelists shunning not only non-believers, but different believers as well.”  – Grant Beery/@voteforgrant

I don’t feel that patriotism is aligned with Christianity or religious beliefs at all. There’s a beauty to the diverse beliefs that make this world a wonderful place and there’s a respect that comes along with both the right to believe and the right to not.

But it has me asking…

If There is No God, What Should I Yell Out During Sex?

Let’s recap what we’ve got so far:

1. America is, currently (and on currency) “One Nation, Under God” as that’s the dude in which we trust.

2. Those who don’t believe apparently have no place next to those who do according to some folks.

3. Some equate a lack of faith in the Christian ideal with the labels “fake” and “useless” and have something against Lassie.

4. Spelling is not protected under the U.S. Constitution, especially for those who feel that hate is an appropriate weapon to use against their fellow Americans who don’t believe as they do.

I’m not big into blasphemy and frequently use phrases like “goddammit” and “Jesus Fucking Christ” (strung together as one word in heated rage or moments of utter frustration). It’s simply because I don’t believe in the myth of Christianity and place little value on names. But since the zealots think that not following Christian faith is immediate cause for revocation of my American Card, I wonder where I can hold my beliefs and work towards living a good life without the ever-present influence of “you’re going to hell” looming over my red head. Canada, perhaps?

And since yelling, “Oh, dear GOD!” is apparently right out, what would we yell out into the pillow when our head is pressed down into it and we’re this close to (oh, you know)?

I offer some suggestions:

“Ohhhhh, James Madison!” (via Martin Burns)

“Ohhhh, Flying Spaghetti Monster!” (via Dave Pennington)

“<bark> Oh, Dog!”

“Did you register to vote, lovah?!”

“Holy shit, if you’re Republican, I’m switching parties!”

But they just don’t have the impact of, “Oh, dear GOD!” do they?

If I can be tolerant enough to recognize that beauty comes in many forms and that every religion and mindset brings something of value to the table, why can’t others? We’re surrounded by intelligence and enlightenment from those who believe and chose not to and it has no affect on how they perceive their dedication to the place they call home. My other half was raised Catholic and still wears a St. Christopher medal around his neck with a scapular from his grandmother. Does it change the fact I love him? Not in the slightest. But he gets to see me at the rare moments I find religion.

End Note (and brilliantly stated)

“I’m not anti-religion, personally, but I do get leery when people go on and on about how they believe in a giant man who grants wishes – to me, it’s the equivalent of people who think the Easter Bunny really does drop those Easter Baskets off.

I think of it as a lack of faith in each other – we refuse to believe that people can do great good on their own, and ignore history. Thing’s aren’t perfect, but I’d much rather be alive today than say the Dark Ages.” Martin Burns/@WriterMoe

Special thanks to @darkheath who contributed his thoughts to this week’s column as well.

Post from: Toy With Me

If There is No God, What Do I Scream During Sex?

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1. God Loves You. So Does BDSM

The $6,000 Sex Doll

Dave wrote me an email this week to let me know he was now an “I-Doll-atrist,” I had no idea what to say. Being in the world of BDSM, you try to go non – judgmental, but let’s face it; that’s a “what the fuck?” situation. It turns out that Dave had recently purchased his first “Real Doll.” This is the next step in the old blow – up date. These things are anatomically correct, start at aboout $6,000.00 and look almost perfectly real… you know, except for the giant boobs and perfect makeup. To be fair to Dave, he has always considered himself to be a – sexual until fairly recently when he felt that he was just not good at being social. And as much as I have no problem with this from the sexual perspective (because, hey, who am I to judge what is “weird” anymore?), I do have a problem with it from the social perspective.

Just Buy A Partner!

Is this what we’re coming to now? You can order you videos and groceries online. Get your books in a digital form. Even my water filter has a small computer in it to tell me when I should switch it out. And now, if you’re not good at being social, you don’t have to practice; just buy a partner! Tell the company what color hair you want, what size breast, and ignore the fact that the chief part of the concept of companionship is that you have a companion.

Now, I know a few women who have chosen not to have partners, not to have kids, and to live their lives the way they want, and I totally applaud that. But, I think that if you’re going to decide to have a partner, then woman/ man – up and improve yourself to the point where you feel comfortable with an “organic” human being.

A Fucked Up Trend In The Sex Culture

Technically, this fetish is called “Pygmalianism,” which is the sexualization of an inanimate object (don’t you feel all smart now?), like a Love Doll, or that guy in England who has sex with cars (seriously, and no, I don’t know how. The tailpipe? I feel gross knowing I just considered that option). What concerns me is that there is a big enough market for this sort of thing, that there is more than just one company. There are a few. And now there are films about it. My deep love of Ryan Gosling aside, this is a pretty fucked up trend in the sex culture. What really bothers me, aside from the fact that a person who buys a Love Doll is essentially giving up, even for a short time, on significant human relationships, is that most of these dolls are women. Yes, there are a few men, but I’ll bet you good money that 90% of the dolls sold are female. What the hell does that say about our culture?! That a plastic, non – threatening woman is becoming the woman of choice?

Sex With A Giant Barbie

From a Jewish perspective, Dave’s decision would be entirely unacceptable as idol worship. Not because the man is bowing down to the doll, though if he’s willing to do oral on a doll who will never feel it, then points to him for effort, but because he’s choosing to hold his fantasy world as more important than the real world. Of course, then you could get into a philosophical debate about what’s real… but I don’t think I can swing that right now. And does this count as masturbation? I mean, technically you’re alone, except for those custom made, never – blinking glass eye balls that just stare at you all the time. Creepy. And while most people believe that masturbation is frowned on by Judaism (it’s not, most sects believe the “Onanism” issue to be one of disobedience, not of choking the chicken), it’s still gotta be weird to have sex with a giant Barbie, and then have to clean her up when you’re done. No? Am I wrong here?

Future Shock

People eschew human interaction to play video games, knit, work on cars, all sorts of things. I hate to make a judgment call here, but I think when you start to replace people with dolls in a long – term situation, you start really having problems. I love Dave, I think he’s great, but I can see why he has troubles being social. Maybe he has Asperger’s, or maybe he just never learned to make friends with girls. Either way, are dolls the wave of the future?

Are we seriously going to stop socializing and talking to each other in favor of machines that will do everything for us? Will sex with real humans go the way of the hoop skirt and hand – written letters? More importantly to those of us in the Kink community; how exactly do you flog a doll?

I don’t think I’m ready for the sex of the future. I can barely get behind the electronic “books” I see people reading on the metro! If this is “future shock” I think I need a paper bag to breathe into. I mean, would you encourage a friend to buy a sex doll? Is one enough, or is variety the spice of life? Is it pathetic, brave, or something in the middle? I want to hear your thoughts.

Post from: Toy With Me

This Isn’t Your Fathers Sex Doll

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1. The Artist Who Makes Sex Dolls
2. We All Know You Are Having Sex With Him

I began listening to another story: during this year’s Super Bowl, CBS will air an anti-abortion commercial sponsored by Focus on the Family. Dubbed as “family-friendly,” the gem will star Tim Tebow, Heisman Trophy winner and evangelical Christian, along with his mom. The angle? Had she followed doctor advice and had an abortion, her precious Tim wouldn’t grace the football fields of today. (Note: if you don’t know the story, Tebow’s mother contracted amoebic dysentery living in the Philippines and the medication threatened the well being of the fetus. Hence, the advice to terminate the pregnancy.)

Family-friendly…

Rip the needle off the record and insert a hearty WHAT THE DEUCE?!

Question number one: is there any man reading this blog who will be watching the Super Bowl for its “family-friendly” content AND wants to talk about abortion on the holiest day of the year in sports?

Answer: Well, it sure as shit isn’t Gregg Doyel of CBSsports.com. “If you’re a sports fan, and I am, that’s the holiest day of the year. It’s not a day to discuss abortion. For it, or against it, I don’t care what you are. On Super Bowl Sunday, I don’t care what I am. Feb. 7 is simply not the day to have that discussion.”

Question number 2: if we’re going to see an anti-abortion ad, where’s the pro-choice ad?

Answer: We’ll never see it. Especially since CBS squelched a Super Bowl ad by the United Church of Christ in 2004 that extended a welcome to gays and others shunned by popular Christian faith.

The entire #tcot thread and conservative media realm is using word-spin and alchemy to say that those who advocate choice and are against this ad are “offended that Tim Tebow is alive.”

Seriously?

That’s like saying that lessons taught to kids over the decades by a big yellow bird and talking frog are invalid regardless of content because the characters are puppets (ok, Muppets).

But hey – Focus on the Family is an extremist and conservative collective dedicated to a strict interpretation of the Bible. Do I expect rational, free-thinking thought? No. So your expectation that I’ll go off on Focus on the Family this week won’t be met, as I feel they’ve got a right to believe what they will and promote such.

I am not anti-Christian. I am not anti-conservative thought. I am not anti-penguins in purple tutus dancing around with AK-47s singing In a Godda Da Vida…until they point one of those guns at me or those I love.

I am firmly against, however, the telling of only one side of a story. That’s a penguin aiming an AK-47 at me.

On a complete side note, I don’t post without having done my research. It’s no secret that I’m of the spiritual-not-religious bent and find faith and support in my friends, family and a great daily feeling that I’m in sync with the universe. But I did pop over to the Focus on the Family website to do some reading. Nice site design, easy to navigate (what do you expect from me? I’m a web geek!)…and I located their resources on Marriage and Sex. I’ll go ahead and concede the fact I’m (apparently) going to hell:

We May Never Use Another Person as an Object, Sexual or Otherwise

The members of the Trinity never relate to each other as objects, to be used for their own good. They relate to each other in love, seeking to serve the goodness and glory of the other. Love is a self-donation. It never uses others as things or an end.

When we use others, we diminish their dignity as well as our own. Animals do this. People shouldn’t, because it’s not what we were created for. It’s not what sex was created for. This is why pornography, masturbation, and rape fall outside of God’s intentions for us.

The only intention I have to answer to is the one I have built for my own life and the one that serves my friends, family and loved ones. I masturbate (regularly). I look at porn with complete fascination and personally adore the little porn flick that runs through my head every now and again. But I do agree – rape is The Suck. And it prompts me to ask: If rape is outside of God’s intention, is it God’s intention for women who become pregnant through rape to have no recourse? Another question for another time.

(By the way: I also fail to grasp Tebow’s whole “saving himself for marriage” angle. If you look at marriage as a nice meal, I’m not going to save myself for a nice meal at a restaurant where the most the head chef has ever cooked is Kraft Mac & Cheese. He practices for football. For the love of all that’s holy, man – practice for your future wife!)

But I digress…

Understanding that Focus on the Family runs a conservative, non-progressive Christian agenda means you have to accept their platform for exactly that. No more, no less. Do I like it? Heavens to Betsy, I do not. Brian Sabean, General Manager of the New York Giants, had his own quip about Tebow’s antics. But the bigger issue this upcoming Super Bowl Sunday is this:

Should CBS be airing a politically charged, divisive ad on the holiest of sports days?

And to continue, I’ll ask the following.

Would CBS run:

• A pro-choice ad (because having the right to choose is immoral)

• A pro-gay marriage ad (because homosexuals are immoral)

• An anti-persons with disabilities ad? (because those goddamn ramps and automatic doors really piss people off and raise development expenses)

It’s difficult to say in the current economy. If an advocacy group for one of the above ponied-up the $2.5 million going rate for a Super Bowl ad spot this year, who’s to say that CBS wouldn’t take the dough? ABC News offers a particularly interesting take:

“CBS is doing this for the money,” said Alex Jones, director of the Joan Shorenstein School of Press, Politics and Public Policy at Harvard University. “It will indicate that a policy has changed. The networks have traditionally not put these kinds of ads on during the Super Bowl. This has been an area that has been kept relatively squeaky-clean of highly polarizing politics. There is no way to be putting in an anti-abortion ad without prompting the pro-abortion side of the debate to get their message across. This may be a new profit center.”

Money talks, discretion walks – that’s nothing new when it comes to advertising dollars in high-profile arenas like the Super Bowl. Erin Kotecki Vest (@QueenofSpain), former broadcast journalist, Huffington Post contributor and Director of Special Project for BlogHer weighs in:

“Screw Focus on the Family. Despite what CBS should or shouldn’t do, money talks. I say we talk with OUR money when that ad airs during the Super Bowl. Donate to Planned Parenthood when you see Tebow’s crybaby face on your TV come February 7th.”

We’ll circle back to Erin’s damn-skippy idea in a moment. But for now, the issue of broadcast integrity:

During Presidential races, networks air ads representing all walks of political thought. News broadcasts report the goings-on in particular campaigns. Commentary programs delve deeper into the issues, hosting guests who can speak intelligently (or not so intelligently) and offer their viewpoints and investigate beyond the facts. What I find to be so curious is how CBS has voluntarily put their network’s ass in a sling by opting to take $2.5 million in hush money to let this anti-abortion ad run during what is possibly the highest annual viewership instance with a projected 100 million viewers. Focus on the Family is simply befuddled about all the hubbub surrounding their ad:

“There is nothing political or controversial about the spot. It’s a personal story about the love between a mother and son.” ~ Gary Schneeberger, spokesperson for FOF

Hey Gary and CBS advertising execs – here are some thoughts to chew on:

1. On Super Bowl Sunday, I want to watch funny commercials and a fucking football game.

2. Correction: my boyfriend wants to watch funny commercials and a fucking football game while I cook up something delightful in the kitchen and run in when a funny commercial airs.

3. Some dudes spend the entire year planning their Super Bowl party – do you really think they want to hear about abortion between downs and dips in the chili con queso?

4. There is NO ONE who tunes into the Super Bowl to hear “a story about love between a mother and a son.” They tune in to watch football, for the ritual, hang with friends, drink a shitload of beer and fart in a room so full of people that no one notices.

I’m disappointed simply in the poor marketing decision made by FOTF and the equally polarizing decision made by CBS. At $2.5 million a pop for Super Bowl ad time, wouldn’t their ad met with less resistance, more acceptance and reach a more tractable audience had they chosen a prime time network show with an agreeable viewing demographic? If you’re looking to drive brand or message affinity, why do it in a way that you’re going to piss off the most people possible during an event meant to unite, not divide? And CBS – you’ve finally come out of your discretionary shell, pimping one side of the God ride on this one. If I were another advertiser on this year’s Super Bowl Sunday, I’d be pissed. No one’s even going to watch my ad. They’re going to be waiting for the God Bomb. If I were Anheuser Busch, I’d be digging through my advertising agreement and telling CBS to get fucked in a very out-of-wedlock way.

I sought-out the thoughts of a marketing and public relations pro to see if I happened to be behind the door they handed out the “good glue” in marketing school. Shelly Kramer of V3 Integrated Marketing out of Kansas City offered both personal and professional thoughts on the matter:

“The Superbowl is an All-American pastime. As such, can’t we manage to leave things like politics, religion AND things like abortion out of it altogether? I am confident when I say that if it were a pro-abortion ad, it wouldn’t even be considered. But it shouldn’t be about what you believe or about what I believe, any more than it should be about whether I believe in gay-rights and you don’t. What it should be about is the appropriateness of the forum. And for a major network to align themselves with this kind of message and air it in this kind of forum, is, to me, a dangerous strategic move. The backlash could be significant. If I were on their marketing or PR teams, I would be advising strongly against it. In fact, if I were a member of their legal team, I would be equally vehement about its inappropriateness.

It’s the Superbowl, for pete’s sake. Let’s leave it about sports – as it should be – and let the other issues remain out of it. Where they belong.”

As a marketing professional, writer and free-thinking woman, I want to hump Shelly’s leg. But let’s get to the bottom line already, shall we?

Do I care if Tim Tebow’s mom had an abortion or not? NO.

Do I care if he’s a kickass football player? NO.

Am I “offended” by the ad (seen or unseen)? A preemptive NO.

Does Tim Tebow’s presence in this world make my life better? NO.

Am I disappointed by the choice of a network to interrupt my upcoming Sunday filled with more junk food and camaraderie than you can shake a stick at by dropping the abortion elephant in the middle of my fucking living room? YES.

The elephant is going to eat all of my cocktail peanuts and that pisses me off.

It’s a Focus on Fuckery. I’m not surprised that money talks or that CBS has conveniently broadened their horizons with regards to “inoffensive” advertising content. Who knows how long the talks have been in the works on this particular ad – as the others they’ve recently aired on health care may have simply been laying the groundwork for the current high-profile debacle. I’m downright pissed that this huge, uninvited elephant is going to sit amongst MY family and friends on February 7^th. Focus on the Family? How about focus on your own damned family, CBS: your viewers, advertisers and those who are tuning in to celebrate the holy trinity of football, beer and funny commercials.

Amen, pass the queso. And let’s take Erin’s advice to heart: on Super Bowl Sunday, make a donation to Planned Parenthood.

And tell that uninvited elephant to stay the fuck away from the cocktail peanuts.

End Note: As a tie-in with last week’s discussion on “family,” Cara Ellison Halbirt (mother of 2, blogger, jewelry designer) has this to say about the stink: “Focus on the “Family?” I hate that we can only focus on one model of family as ‘right’. Families don’t fit so neatly into boxes. Why can’t we view love/families/people through a kaleidoscope? Lots of colors, angles and choices. Not one single model can be forced to accommodate everyone. ‘Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life’ is a wonderful concept practiced by all kinds of families in all kinds of ways. It’s a shame to saddle it with a single, rigid view of family.”

Post from: Toy With Me

Focus on the Fuckery: CBS Aborts Good Judgment

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Here’s why that would totally work out for me (but not the sixteen year old part, because that’s gross, and I don’t roll like that):

1. I am lazy as hell, but I don’t mind sweeping, so I would totally be the sweeping wife, and let those other chicks do the dishes and laundry. I am way down with that.
2. These men tend to be fairly unattractive (we won’t bring up inbreeding here, but I want y’all to keep it in the back of your minds, ToyWithMe kids), so the more other women there are to take their mind off of me, the better.
3. What is up with that wicked ass hairstyle? Now I will never have to wonder what to do with my hair that morning. Or ever.

I mean, yes, there are the weird and entirely unflattering dresses, and the manly shoes, but think about how simple life would be! You would know what you’re going to be doing every day for the rest of your life. You don’t even really have to find a mate, because the Church will assign one! That’s so thoughtful. They’re like eHarmony but with fifty year old men and pre – pubescent girls. Awww…

One of the many things I don’t understand about the FLDS is their need to marry girls off so young. Can I ask, what is the obsession with virgins? Why does every woman in the Christian faith have to be a virgin? What is wrong with a chick who knows how to fly that joy – stick on your first run out? For my money, I would think men would want a really hot woman who knows what she’s doing. Maybe even one who could teach you a trick or two! If so, after my husband reads this article, I may be single, so call me… I’ll bring the rope!

Do the FLDS get kinky, you think? I mean, if you only get one night out of a week with your man, wouldn’t you really wanna make it count? If they don’t have nipple clamps, I may not be able to live with them.

Anyway, back to pervs and virgins.

I guess this whole polygamous marriage thing comes from (SUPRISE!!) the Bible, because some old dead guys in ancient times had multiple wives, so these guys in Utah have to have them, too. But you know what? The Bible says a lot of things, and I think it’s got to be up to people to consider whether or not something is realistic nowadays (marrying sixteen year old girls should NOT be a realistic objective). I mean, the law says that you should stop at a “Stop” sign, but, ideally, you also realize that at some point you need to start rolling again, and not live the rest of your life in front of that “Stop” sign. I think my point here is that it’s all well and good to understand the laws, but to follow them blindly leads to inbred blonds living on a compound in Utah. That’s all I’m saying here folks. And fuck, man; Utah is COLD. I would have to sweep those damn floors with my twenty – seven children strapped to my body for warmth. Little Obediah might have to take one for the team and keep mommy’s bottom toasty.

I think my train of thought has derailed and hit a small town, but I hope you’re following me: I could totally be Mormon except that I’m Jewish, I like to have sex (just not with inbred folks), and I would probably end up being the bitchy wife who made all the other wives do the crappy jobs so I could nap during the day. Like, if we could get a wife whose job it was to just bring me snacks in bed, that would be awesome! But then I think it becomes slavery, and that doesn’t work either.

So, maybe I’ll have to stay Jewish, wear my pearls to work, and not wake up at 5 a.m. every morning to get my nineteen children ready to praise Jesus, because frankly, I like to sleep in, and the thought of shooting ONE human out of my vagina freaks me out, let alone twenty or so. Maybe I can just stay the lazy wife of this house, sans the extra personnel. I wouldn’t have to share my husband, but on the other hand, I’m the only one around that he can tell all his bad jokes to.

What would your ideal polygamous household look like? Do you think the FLDS group has the right idea? Would you do my laundry if I sweep your house?

Post from: Toy With Me

Mormons, Polygamy And Virginal Obsession

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Mr. Pugno ~

Erika Napoletano here – no relation to Janet or the other plethora of political Napoletanos running around out there. See, I got the name in the divorce. (Yes, the D-Word.) It was fancy, had a ring to it. While I didn’t want the relationship that went with the ring, I kept the snazzy name. I can already tell I’m your worst nightmare. I build broken homes.

I’ve been following your shenanigans for a while now and I have to say that I’m disappointed you played the “for the children” card. While I’m legally twenty years past being included with the children, I can remember what it was like growing up in a home with heterosexual parents.

They were divorced. Damn them and their selfishness, refusing to stay together for the children. My mother worked and went to school, my dad held a civil engineering job. My brother, sister and I were latchkey kids, microwaving after school snacks and learning to cook on nights mom got home late. We spent every other weekend at Dad’s, playing with model trains and running around his tiny little apartment until he told us to simmer down since people lived below him. Christ – kids really can’t run quietly. It was a bit of a buzzkill, but hey – those were the rules.

I’m not going to give you a story about wanting love, needing love or yearning for an intact household that my parents, who couldn’t find a way to live together, so unjustly deprived us. My brother, sister and I all graduated Summa Cum Laude from Nimitz High School in Houston, Texas (with little sis eeking out a class rank of 7^th ahead of my brother’s and my kindred score of 9^th in our class years…the pipsqueak) and equal honors from college. I went off to college on a full scholarship. My brother is currently pursing his Masters in Psychology and my sister a Masters in Library Science (in addition to being an ordained Lutheran Children’s Minister). They’re awesome kids – people I’m proud to call my brother and sister.

And my parents – my divorced parents – are pretty damn awesome as well.

See, children don’t need an intact, heterosexual household to succeed. They need love. Fellow blogger Sinclair Sexsmith (@MrSexsmith) took the words right out of my mouth when she so eloquently said:

“Children are best raised by folks who love them, care for them, provide their basic needs, nurture their creativity and strength, support them and believe in them. Though there is one dominant narrative for how families “should” look – the nuclear two-parent heterosexual household – there have been plenty of studies supporting family units that look different from that are just as valuable for the child. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, step-parents, foster parents – the structure doesn’t matter so much as the content.”

Content, my dear Mr. Pugno. Not context.

If I had been raised in the context of heterosexual parents who so obviously despised one another, who would I be today? Would I be an outspoken social media consultant and blogger-for-hire…write a weekly column for a website about sex toys and exploring sexuality…climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro…discovered a love for cycling…be wrapped in the daily embrace of friendships I’m proud to have earned and am learning to nurture more and more each day.

Would I?

My parents, heterosexual in their own right, gave me love and support as they knew how. The context of a single parent home gave me the opportunity to become self-sufficient and embrace the fact I had two parents who loved me – they just lived in different places. The content? Love. Love, love, love.

Mr. Pugno, Fuck You

But Mr. Pugno – fuck you and every one of your Protect Marriage supporters for saying that my childhood is worth less because I didn’t come from an intact heterosexual home. And double fuck you for condemning those who choose to live a life that doesn’t fit your “ideal” of a “marriage.”

I’m twice-divorced. Why? Well, it’s not because I’m a lesbian or that I don’t believe in marriage. I’m a die-hard romantic, believing strongly that, as the person I’ve come to be, I have a better set of tools today to build a successful marriage than I did when I was young, ignorant and stupid and decided to walk down the aisle with two men I truly loved and initiate unions that would ultimately not last.

Marriage didn’t fail me: it was the failure of the human relationship.

What you’re telling me is that a heterosexual relationship has more value than a same-sex relationship. That one version of love is more important than another. Actually, I’m willing to entertain that notion, but here’s the rub:

A Challenge

If you can tell me that heterosexual couples are able to feel and live with love more deeply than two people of the same sex (and substantiate your case) – I’ll suck your dick on national television. Now, before you get all hot about the blowjob, I get to counter you arguments. I will introduce you to Amy and Cindiman, Cheryl and Kate, Elisa and Megan. These are six women I’m very lucky to have in my life – and they’re lesbians.

And they all visibly experience a love for their partners – their wives, if you will – that makes my heart skip a beat each time I see them. And once you meet these beautiful women, then we’ll go on a field trip to Walmart. There, I’ll show you some really awesome heterosexual couples with children. If we’re lucky, we’ll get some, Shut the fuck ups and I’m gonna beat yer asses while we’re there.

It’s the Content, Not the Context

Then I’ll take you to an egg donor agency (Gifted Journeys in Studio City, CA), one run by my best friend, who actively and openly works with same-sex couples. See, they’re in the Building a Family business. On a daily basis, they see people who want children more than many people who end up with them the old fashioned way. Many of their recipient parents are gay, lesbian or transgendered. They understand that it is the content of the family, not the context, which creates supportive and loving households. For the children.

The Facts

I was fortunate enough to be provided a link by a social media acquaintance and (gasp) lesbian Mari Kurisato. It’s a pretty kickass study performed by the Australian Psychological Society (2007). Not only does it indicate that same-sex parenting relationships typically share the child-rearing burden more evenly, but that even gay male couples exhibit more active parenting roles than their heterosexual counterparts. (Wanna dig, Pugno? It’s on pages 17 and 18 of the study. Though since the study is all “gay,” I’m sure you wouldn’t dare bring it up in a browser window for fear of your computer catching the Gay Virus.)

Heather Cornwell was also gracious enough to share with me her thoughts on the beauty of an intact heterosexual home: she’s the product of one.

“Regarding the argument that children are best served by an intact male/female marriage, I would just point out that environment is only a partial determiner in the outcome of a childhood.  If we extrapolate that theory, then I should be a perfectly balanced, straight, Christian female.  Instead, I am a balanced, gay, agnostic female. My parents are still married, and demonstrated a great deal of affection towards each other, and to my siblings and myself.  I am a happy lesbian, my sister is a single, divorced mother and my brother is a single, divorced father.  Whether or not my parents were in an intact heterosexual relationship had little to no bearing on how my siblings and I have developed into adults.”

Your organization purports the following:

“Traditional marriage is the foundation of society and has served our state well for centuries. California’s constitutional marriage amendment exists to strengthen society, encourage monogamous and loving marriages and to provide the optimal environment to ensure the well being of children.”

Ensure the well-being of children. How noble. I’ll start heading towards a close with some interesting examples, all of which blow your reasoning more effectively than a $20 hooker:

• Edward Albee (gay) – Adopted by a heterosexual couple. Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright (and one of my professors in college)

• Patricia Cornwell (bisexual) – Product of a broken home, adopted. Best-selling author and former Medical Examiner for the State of Virginia.

• Truman Capote (gay) – Abandoned by his parents (along with the rest of his siblings). Literary icon.

• Dalai Lamas (celibate) – Once recognized, boys are removed from the home of their birth parents to be trained for their future station. While they do not lose contact with their birth family, they are not raised by them.

• President Barack Obama (married, heterosexual) – Parents divorced when he was two. Last I checked, he holds the highest political office in the United States (much to your chagrin, I’m sure).

• Menendez Brother (killed their parents) – heterosexual married parents.

• John Wayne Gacy (serial killer) – heterosexual married parents.

Your rules fail you, Mr. Pugno. If heterosexuality is the stepping stone to familial and developmental perfection, you need to get to work on doctoring the history books ASAP.

Legislating Morality Makes Me Queasy

Mr. Pugno, the thought that your group of a mere 100-some-odd thousand folks who feel that they can drive to legislate morality makes me queasy. Considering the pro-Proposition 8 campaign raised $39.9 million in 2008 and continues to spend taxpayer dollars by tying up the court system tells me that there are a lot of people, while entitled to their beliefs, aren’t secure in them enough to nose the everloving fuck out of everyone else’s business and tend to their own families. And Heather, whom we met earlier, backs that up:

“In my opinion, this country was founded on NOT allowing the government to make our choices for us. Granted, the pilgrims were fleeing religious oppression, but I think that any oppression goes against the founding principles of our nation. If I choose to marry my partner, have children or not have children, the government should not be given a say in that decision. More to the point, the government should not DEMAND a say in that decision.”

The way I see it is this: you’re telling me there was almost $40 million available (in addition to the $43 million raised by anti-Prop 8 forces in 2008) in our economy to support the persecution people for being who they are instead of helping people become who they want to be? I’m speechless. And I’m sure the State of California, in its dismal financial state, is appalled as well. We’re a country that sings the hymn of human potential yet you fail to realize that this song is comprised of varying voices.

Stay the Fuck Out Of My Bedroom

In closing, I don’t think everything you and Protect Marriage are doing is bad. You’ve done one amazing thing that few others have been able to achieve: showing the world what is possible when an overzealous herd gets a little cash and begins substituting the word “government” for “religion.” I’m not on board with that. I’ll kindly have the government stay out of my bedroom, out of my vagina and out of the affairs of people with whom you wouldn’t deign to share a dinner table. “The children,” as you say, need protecting from people and organizations like you and yours, not from same-sex couples. Close-mindedness is a blight on the development of mankind. And the children – the future of this nation, the reminder that anything is possible and the glimmer of hope that winks over the horizon with each sunrise and sunset we’re blessed with witnessing.

Sincerely,

Erika Napoletano aka @DearRedhead/@RedheadWriting
Writer, Disruptive Presence, Devil’s Advocate…

PS: the offer for the blowjob still stands. Line up your case studies and I’ll line-up mine. If it’s a tie, we’ll have a kiss-off to determine the winner.

End note: The Executive Board of The American Anthropological Association, the world’s largest organization of anthropologists, released the following statement on February 26, 2004 in response to President Bush’s call for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage as a threat to civilization:

“The results of more than a century of anthropological research on households, kinship relationships, and families, across cultures and through time, provide no support whatsoever for the view that either civilization or viable social orders depend upon marriage as an exclusively heterosexual institution. Rather, anthropological research supports the conclusion that a vast array of family types, including families built upon same-sex partnerships, can contribute to stable and humane societies.

The Executive Board of the American Anthropological Association strongly opposes a constitutional amendment limiting marriage to heterosexual couples.”

Yeah. Suck it.

Special thanks to the following people who shared their insights with me:

Sinclair Sexsmith (Sugarbutch Chronicles and Radical Masculinity)

Natalie Hjelsvold

Heather Cornwell

Mari Kurisato

Post from: Toy With Me

Proposition H8: An Open Letter to Andy Pugno

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But I digress.

From Ashley Dupré to Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl, I think we’ve been seeing a lot more of the “oldest profession in the world,” and frankly, I’m not too upset about it. Don’t get me wrong, I think there are better ways of living your life than trading exclusively on your body, but that goes for being a model as well as a several – hundred – dollar – an – hour – hooker… and aside from penetration, I personally don’t see too much of a difference between the two. Now, I don’t want this to turn into a model – bashing column, though that could be fun too; the point of today’s article is to say, “ya know, since prostitution has been around for like, ever, maybe we should stop pretending it doesn’t exist, hmm?”

Prostitutes With A Dental Plan

A few years ago, the hubs and I went on a trip to the Netherlands, and since I can’t go anywhere without preplanning like a maniac, I did a ton of research; the art, the history… and the “Red Light District.” Did you know there is a union for prostitutes over there? Ok, maybe we’re not talking the Teamsters Union with a fantastic dental plan and some big chick named “Vinnie” who comes to collect your “protection funds,” but hey, there are medical options, and that profession is a recognized part of the culture. Maybe some women are forced into that line of work based on life circumstances, maybe some choose it, but either way at least they’re not entirely shoved to the side of the culture to spread disease and possibly die. At least there’s something!

Now, maybe you’re reading this article and thinking, “KinkyJew, I know all this, and I totally agree that all people should have access to health care, regardless of profession. After all, I’m an intelligent person, and I did my own research when planning to become a high – class call girl too, because you and I are that much in synch. What I really want to know is what GOD says about my future career plans!” You make a fantastic point my friend. We should totally go out for a Starbucks or something.

God Isn’t Amused. Shocking.

You’ll be glad to hear that while the All – Mighty is none too pleased with your average street walker, He does make a bit of a distinction between a hooker, and other forms of carnal entertainment. For example, if a man can’t please his wife sexually, she can divorce him and see what the other shlubbs in the village have to offer. For us, I guess that means that if your man can’t get the job done (and you can’t find a toy on the ToyWithMe site to make your G – Spot sing a concerto), then you’re in the all – clear with GOD to get your groove on elsewhere… MAZAL TOV! Of course, you would have to be married for all of that to happen, and the whole point of this is to jet – set around the world on the arms of wealthy men. Then again, they didn’t really have “jet – setting” in the Old Testament. It was mostly dirty and smelly from what I understand… and a lot of sacrificing of goats. Seriously though, it’s amazing we didn’t send those poor animals into extinction with the number of sacrificial offerings we made back then. Frankly, the Jewish people could do worse than to offer the goat world an apology.

Uhh…. Moving on…

Sex Sells, In More Ways Than One

But before anyone says, “DAMMIT, KINKY JEW! You’re glamorizing prostitution, and that’s just down right wrong!” Yes, I do understand that the majority of women who go into prostitution are not running around living the high life, and partying like rock stars; I get that. I also get that ignoring a situation like prostitution, or, let’s just say, gonorrhea, doesn’t make it go away. I’m not saying that I’ve had gonorrhea… run with the analogy kids. It doesn’t go away, and nobody wins, especially not that lead guitarist from the Swedish rock band that you had sex with in the pay – by – the – hour – hotel. Nope, everyone loses there! You have to face your issues, whether it be as a society owning up to the fact that not only does sex sell in advertising, it just sells in general, or whether it be heading over to that free clinic to ask why your genital warts are speaking Swiss German. It’s about responsibility, people.

I don’t approve of glamorizing this profession, nor do I think it’s something I would want my child to grow up to do, but it’s folly to stand around and pretend that the people who work the sex industry are not there, and don’t need just as much, if not more, medical and long term benefits as the rest of us. I am glad to see more discussion of it in the media, but whether or not that will turn from your Friday night entertainment into a legitimate discussion of our social mores as a culture is a very different issue indeed.

What are your thoughts on prostitution? Do your views differ from those around you? From your culture? If I started a brothel, would you join me? I can pay in Ben & Jerry’s…

Post from: Toy With Me

I Wish I Was A High Class Hooker

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Anyway, I finally made my way out of that parking lot (I WIN!!) to find my husband desperately packing at home. You see, this year we’re going against the normal Christmas traditions of our people (Chinese food and a movie) to schlep up to New York and see my cousin from Boca Raton (the OTHER great homeland of the Jews). When everything else was packed, he looked up at me, then at my underwear drawer, then back at me. It was that question:

Do we, or do we not… bring the vibrator?

Ok, we all know that sex while staying with family members can be awkward. You’re trying to be quiet, someone’s kids are just old enough to turn the door knobs, but not old enough yet to learn how to knock… then they see you tied down to the bed, one leg up in the air, the other strapped to the wall, and maybe one of you is wearing a mask… normal stuff. Oooooh, but now parents are yelling something about “emotional scarring” and paying for therapy. Blah blah blah. Ok, but sometimes you need a stress reliever at the end of a long day, and your partner isn’t handy. Do you, or do you not pack a couple of *ahem* devices? And how many is too many for a weekend trip?

When you’re a couple like us, you may have a variety of toys to choose from. Cuffs? Yeah, ok, you can’t really explain those away to your family, but neither can you just laugh off the constantly buzzing, giant pink hard-on the six year old has just brought into the room, playing with it like the latest light-saber (“don’t throw that at Sarah!” “Jacob! Don’t put that in your mouth!”). It’s quite the conundrum! I mean, sometimes the hand just won’t do the whole job!

He tossed me the vibrator and, like the experienced traveler I am, I pulled two batteries from the base and packed those separately, and then stuffed my friend in the bottom of the suitcase. We would take our chances.

Bags packed, we started our six hour trek to upstate New York on Christmas morning. It was beautiful! NOBODY was on the road. It was like, us, one Muslim family, a couple of Hindus, and a few Jews who were looking for a place to grab a nosh (that’s your Yiddish Word of the Day, and it means “something to eat”). We sailed right through, and landed on my cousin’s door step a SHOCKING five hours later.

“Put your stuff upstairs.” My cousin said, so the husband and I dragged our crap up the stairs while I left my purse on the kitchen table. With everything put neatly away (the most important thing kept in the suitcase, which was then LOCKED), we walked back downstairs to enjoy an evening with the insane – people – to – whom – I – happen – to – be – related. The night was lovely; nobody was set on fire, nobody had to go to the hospital, and no one had a melt down which ended up with a person locked in the bathroom for half the night. It was a TOTAL win! The husband even stayed downstairs with the family to finish up a challenging game of Scrabble. “What a perfect time for me to sneak away and enjoy the fruits of my well – packed efforts!” I thought.  I stealthily grabbed my purse, and walked upstairs. I closed AND LOCKED the door, pulled the bag out, opened it up, and then reached into my purse for the extra two batteries…

Yeah. I think we all know where this story is heading. The batteries were GONE. It was a DAMN CHRISTMAS NIGHTMARE! They must have fallen out in the car on the way up! ARGH! I bet it was in New Jersey!! DAMN YOU NEW JERSEY!!! There is nothing more frustrating than setting yourself up for a lovely time, to find out that your batteries are dying, or suddenly non – existent! It was like baby Jesus hated my vagina! I waited (with much frustration) for my husband to make his way upstairs, whereupon I physically assaulted him… but that’s not really the point, is it? The point is, why does Jesus hate my vagina? You know, technically we’re both Jewish, soooo…… wtf, man? Isn’t this a time of miracles? What about that film, “It’s a Wonderful Life”?! I bet that dude had batteries when he needed them!

So, from my home to yours, enjoy the holidays, tell your family you love them, and make sure you know where your batteries are. Because nothing ruins the birth of someone else’s deity like not being able to orgasm for over an hour. That’s just an FYI.

Happy Christmahannuqwanzikka!

Post from: Toy With Me

Baby Jesus Hates My Vagina. Obviously.

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I have to hand it to my friend Phil for putting together one hell of an eye – opening article. Until fairly recently, I had never heard of a “Purity Ball,” which, in my defense, is not entirely surprising considering I really don’t keep up with Christian trends. I don’t say that to be mean, but honestly, how many of you Christians out there were aware of the “Great Sheitel Scare” of aught – four? Ok then.

Lets Party

So, it recently came to my attention that parties are being held wherein daughters pledge their “purity,” (for those of us playing at home, that means they’re promising that they’re gonna stay virgins) to their fathers. These can also be known as “Purity Weddings.” So, we’re getting a bunch of underage girls together and having them promise to keep their “purity” only for their fathers, until or unless they marry… and this time the groom has to not be their dad. And also, there may or may not be cake… which is the only reason I would go, frankly.

What About The Boys?

You know what though? I can totally get behind a culture that’s about preserving youthful innocence and not inundating children with sexual images and thoughts the way a lot of our modern culture does. Seriously, if I see one more ten-year old girl with a sparkle–studded cropped t – shirt that says something like, “My boyfriend’s out of town, what’s your name?” I may be sick. So, I get it; you want to make sure your child stays a child as long as possible. That’s cool. But here’s one of the places where I come into problems with this whole situation: where the hell are the boys? Really. Where are the boys in all this?

From an outsider’s perspective, you’re telling me two things:

1) either your daughter has not been educated enough to be able to make conscious choices regarding her life and sexuality without you constantly watching her, or she’s just too stupid, and

2) your son is either superior in this regard because he doesn’t require supervision, or you just don’t care about his immortal soul. Congratulations; your daughter is a penis-o-phobe, and your son is a pimp. Is that taking it a bit far? Sure it is, but I think these people believe that their intentions are easily recognizable and understood by all. They’re not. And we’re not even going to go into the fact that talking about “marrying” your own daughter has all sorts of disturbing sexual overtones.

No, You Can’t Have A Cookie

Not to mention the fact that by spending all your time focusing on the fact that you won’t focus on sex, you’re pretty much spending that time focusing on sex. You know what the worst day of the year for me is? Yom Kippur: the Jewish day of fasting and atonement. Why? Because on any other day I could possibly go the whole day forgetting to eat something, but when all I can think about is how I can’t think about food, it’s all I think about.

Maybe part of the reason I have never understood Christianity’s view on sex and virginity is because Judaism is so radically different in its concepts of what is “good” or “bad” about sex. Until I was about nine or ten years old, I was raised in an Orthodox Jewish community, and in fact I so rarely met anyone who wasn’t Jewish, that when we kept driving by a big house with a lower – case letter “T” on it, I had to ask my mom why the local people were so obsessed with the alphabet. Yes, for those of us playing, it was a church; the “T” was a cross. In my home, sex wasn’t commonly discussed because I was so young, but as I got older there were no hesitations in discussing sex with me when it came up. In fact, the entirety of my mom’s conversation with me about masturbation came down to three words:

“Wash your hands.”

Multiple Mitvah’s

Sex wasn’t bad, it wasn’t wrong or dirty, but there is a time and a place for everything. Some things are appropriate at certain ages, and others aren’t. Judaism, at its core, isn’t really hung up about sex, although there are certain quirks. For example, ensuring that your wife has an orgasm is what is called a “mitzvah” or a good deed. Ensuring she has one on Shabbat is a DOUBLE mitzvah. So, if you really wanna rack up those bonus points for G-D, start screwing. What I don’t understand is that if they believe that G-D created everything, then He must have made that happy–dance, too. Did you know there is such a think as “post sex guilt”? I hadn’t heard of it until college when a roommate explained it to me. Why bother? Why feel guilty about something that was given to you? I really don’t feel guilty about using that blender we got for our wedding… other than the fact that I didn’t send in the registration card, but who really does that? Anyway, with all this sex around me, you’d think I would have lost my virginity very early, but in fact I was one of the last people I know to have sex. It just wasn’t the right time, until suddenly it was, and then I did.

The point is: I really don’t think anyone needs a virginity ring, or a ball, or even a virginity pot–luck. I think what people need is an on-going dialogue that evolves organically from the world around you. Sex is on tv and in ads is everywhere, so why wait to talk to your child until some previously appointed day. When situations arise, talk to your kids, if you have them, about what you think and how you feel. It made a huge difference in my life, and I didn’t even have to sign some contract discussing the state of affairs between my legs with my dad. Believe me, we’re both thankful for that.

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Bathe In The Blood Of Virgins

Now, technically the Torah is pretty clear on the whole thing; no sex during your period, also known as being in “Niddah,” NOR the week after, the so – called “Seven White Days.” So, that’s two weeks out of the month that the Torah says we can’t have sex… that’s a lot of not – fucking. Now, you can debate whether or not this is sexist, but when you think about back in the day, when people thought that spirits made you sick and the best way to get better was to do some kind of a dance and bathe in the blood of virgins or some crazy shit like that, you sorta can’t blame folks for freaking out over people bleeding for over a week with no greater side effects than fatigue and cramps. They didn’t understand it and it scared them, so they did the best they knew how to do; “no – touchy.” And sex on the rag? SUPER DUPER “no – touchy.”

I’m sorry, but I can’t not have sex for two weeks out of the month, and I think that if I tried to institute that now, my husband would divorce me… so I guess that tells you where we fall on the idea of “riding the crimson wave.” I think most people today are pretty cool with vaginal intercourse during a woman’s period, and most people I know wouldn’t be shocked to hear that some couples abstain because they find it “gross,” or “icky.”

It’s Taboo

“I mean, I wouldn’t go down on a girl when she’s bleeding. That would be like drinking her blood right?!” My male interviewee’s response. I told him that I had once dated a man who was totally find going down on me during my period, so long as I had a tampon in. Logically, it made sense, but I was never able to let him do it, because it was so ingrained in me that this was, to a large degree, taboo. Sex during my period was kind of exciting, because it was so prohibited, but I could never get behind someone putting their face down there. Not during THAT! My interviewee agreed: “No, man, I… no. I couldn’t. I could have sex with her, and I would totally make up for it with oral before and after she stopped bleeding, but not during!”

I’m Horny As Hell During My Period

Still, to be fair, I can see why some woman would have taken my ex up on his offer. I’m usually more aroused during my cycle. Maybe it’s because of the constant stimulation of things happening down there, or maybe it’s because of my hormones, but I can be horny as hell during my period. Throw down a towel, give me a naked guy, and I’ll have a pretty enjoyable evening planned out! Plus, to the best of my knowledge, your period slows down when you’re having sex… so you could really go at it for hours without concern of looking down (because hells yes, I would be on top) to find a crime – scene underneath you.

Some Of My Best Orgasms

And there are other benefits. Those of us who sometimes have trouble getting wet know that that isn’t an issue during your period! Ok, maybe it’s not the type of moisture your partner was looking for, but hey! Everyone can enjoy sex now for almost as long as you like without worry of drying up, or too much friction! Mother nature has pretty much paved the way and said, “Happy Trails!” Frankly, I enjoy having sex during my period for all of the above reasons, and have had some of my best orgasms during that time. Though, I can see why my husband prefers not to use his fingers at all during that time…

Afraid Of Blood

I can’t really say whether sex during your period is “wrong,” but I don’t hate on folks who get freaked out by the “ick” factor. I do it, but I also pick boogers out of my kitty’s nose… so that tells you a bit about me, I guess. To be fair though, it’s only when they’re really bothering him.

Anywho, back to the point! Some woman are “afraid of blood,” but manage to have their periods, and some men are find with blood, so long as it doesn’t come out of their girlfriend’s vagina. It’s a weird sort of line we draw: blood is ok, but only a certain type, and only from a certain place. CSI will show more bloody crime scenes than the Civil War, but I doubt they’ve ever once shown a used tampon or pad. Why is that? Why are we so squeamish when it comes to menstrual fluids?

And what do you think? Is it some sort of beaten – in sexism that tells us that sex with Aunt Flow is “dirty” and “wrong?” Do you do it? What limits do you draw: is vaginal ok, but no oral? Straight to anal? Or do you wait the two weeks until your woman is ritually clean?

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Riding The Crimson Wave – Having Sex On Your Period

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