I mean, isn’t it?

Anyway, so, I knew that they’d been spayed and neutered, so the concept of using a condom led me down foul and horrible paths in my mind I never, ever wanted to think about. Finding a stash of porn is one thing. Realizing your parents make the beast with two backs is an entirely different story.

Now that I’m a parent, I know that there will come a point when my own children will realize that I have sex and be equally disgusted. I, of course, know my children will come to realize that I exist and be disgusted by that as well, so I know I can’t win, but at the very least, I’ll have to start my own covert hiding of certain things.

Like, uh, well, SEX TOYS.

Thank Sweet Baby Jesus, I never found any of those, because I think I probably WOULD have died right then and there, but you know, the condom was bad enough. Just. Ew.

So, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what I am supposed to do with my pathetically small (and rapidly dwindling) collection of naughty things. My bedside table isn’t going to be cutting it any longer. In fact, I should probably start leaving things like books called “A Mother’s Love” (is that a book? If it’s not, Hallmark should get their asses on top of that immediately, if not sooner) and perhaps books of pictures of cute fluffy kittens, just to throw my kids off my trail. If they think I’m the most boring person on the planet, they won’t go looking for my collection of delicious narcotics (drugs are bad, kids), cough syrups that require identification (drugs are REALLY bad, kids), oils, lubes, and other assorted naughtiness that I might have stashed around my room.

My biggest problem with trying to find something to stash these things in is that I’m kind of (okay, that’s going to go up for Understatement of the Year) stupid. The medicine I take for my migraines makes me really forgetful and I am always misplacing things. Like my pants. And keys. And wallet. And really, most anything else that you CAN misplace. But if I lost my one lone remaining vibrating boyfriend, I’d probably cry real tears, which might actually make my rarely-used tear ducts burn in agony. No one wants THAT, least of all me.

So I turned to Google, my trusty sidekick, who I like to imagine with red hair, because I firmly believe that all sidekicks should have red hair, to see what HE had to say about it (yes, Google is a boy).

First, Google informed me that Tupperware was an excellent choice. I disagreed, because, HI, it’s see-through, and even if I bought the colored stuff, my kids always assume that anything in Tupperware is for them. I don’t know where they got so damn egocentric. Maybe they read my blog or something. Tupperware to store my sex stuffs is a definite NO.

Then, Google told me that I could hollow out a space behind a painting and put a safe in there and then put my painting back. This would presume I HAD a painting on my wall OR a safe, neither of which I have or want on or INSIDE my bedroom walls. Plus, my sex toys are cheap pieces of crap which is why they’re all broken and I’d feel TOTALLY absurd putting them inside a wall safe BEHIND a painting. But this gets an A+ for cloak-and-daggers, which is always good in my world.

Also scoring points for cloak-and-daggers stuff is the notion that I could take the time (or buy) books and hollow them out and then put each of my sex toys in them. Which would work well until I forgot which book had what toy in them. Or when my kid decided to read War and Peace or something and WHOOPS! out pops Mr. Pink! That would probably scar him more than finding it in my drawer, where he shouldn’t be snooping ANYWAY. But it’s a good idea and highly creative, so the idea gets marks for that, even if it isn’t practical for me.

Some ingenious company made a pillow that hides a sex toy and a bottle of lube. Which means, effectively, that you can hide that bad boy in plain sight until such time as Little Susie gets a cold and wants to snuggle up in Mom’s Bed and lays her head on the WRONG PILLOW. Next thing you know, she’s screaming that the pillow is biting her and you’re trying to explain that “it’s okay, that’s Mommy’s SPECIAL Pillow” and trust me when I tell you that your kid will tell the ENTIRE world that you have a Special Pillow. That vibrates. Uh, count me out.

Probably the best idea I found was a shoebox. I’ll probably use an ancient running shoebox or something gross that my kids would never want to borrow because the shoes are so butt ugly and stash my meager collection in there. Then I’ll hope like hell that they don’t have to make a diorama recreating the Battle of the Bulge or whatever for Social Studies and decide to go snooping. Or maybe they can use what they find inside in their dioramas (do kids still have to make those things?). Who the hell knows.

Either way, the shoe box seems like the best alternative for now. Well, the shoe box and some new sex toys. Because this is just getting pathetic.

So tell me, Toy With Me-ers, where do you stash the goods?

Photo source

Post from: Toy With Me

I Need A Place To Hide My Sex Toys

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1. When Children Find Your Sex Toys
2. Get Off and Take Off: How to Sneak Sex Toys Past the TSA
3. Traveling With Sex Toys

Hell, I thought–I might even enjoy it.

Since we’re being totally honest here, I must confess I’d much rather take it in the pooper than give a blow job.

I considered the possibility that perhaps my dislike is because I’m doing it wrong. It always takes so damn long and my jaw locks up and I gag and drool and I start getting annoyed because you-know-who hasn’t landed the plane already, and clearly he’s doing it just to torture me…

or maybe I just suck at blowing.

The video arrived in the mail from Babeland in its very discreet package and it sat on my dresser for a while because I had a question, Toy with Mes.

Do I watch the video by myself first and sort of take notes and/or practice on a squash or something, or do I watch it whilst practicing on the real deal and learn in situ?

There’s something to be said for option number one because it preserves the mystique a little bit.  I could conceivably go from Hum-Drum Hummer-er to Blow Job Maven all of a sudden and my husband would never have to know I had boned up (hahahahahaha! No pun intended! Yes it was.) on my skills.

Sadly though, since I have the two little kiddos who most certainly do not need to see a lady kissing a man’s penis, I had to opt for the in situ instruction, and it had to be done after the little ones went to sleep.  I put the DVD in the player, did a few jaw loosening exercises (you don’t want to cramp up), pressed play, and put on my sexyblowjobface.

I was ready to learn.

And my husband sat on the bed squealing and clapping his hands like a little girl.

The video begins with an introduction to Tristan Taormino herself.   Throughout the video, Tristan addresses a group of women in a sort of question and answer format.

The first order of business is an anatomy lesson which at first made me roll my eyes because HI!  I know what a penis is, but I actually did learn that the most sensitive parts on a guy are the head of the penis (duh!) the frenulum (that little triangular notch between the head and the shaft on the bottom side of the penis), and the perineum (aka the assneck / taint / gooch).  So the majority of the penis–the shaft itself–isn’t very sensitive at all.

After the anatomy lesson, they bring in the porn stars to demonstrate the four basic phases of a blow job:

1) The warm-up where you tease the penis.  Let’s just say I will never again lick an ice cream cone without remembering this video.

2) The experiment phase is where you sort of try to figure out what works for him.  Try new stuff.  Mix it up.

3) The rhythm phase is the actual blow job where you find a rhythm and stay with it and guess what?  Using your hands is not cheating! Yay! Because my jaw gets tired.

4) The orgasm phase is, well, you know… but what I liked about this part of the video is that Tristan actually says right out that it’s okay if you don’t like to swallow and that you should work out where the cum is going to go before it goes. The porn actress actually admitted that she doesn’t like to swallow either.  She does take it in the mouth but then spits.  The fact that even porn stars aren’t that into it made me feel better.

The Extras section of the video addresses special concerns like deep throating, prostate stimulation, how to deal with an uncircumcised penis, and safer sex.  The part about deep throating did a great job of explaining tips and tricks without making me feel lame because I have trouble doing it. That part gave me some good ideas I still want to test out.

There are also three more instructional/example sections meant to demonstrate different blow job styles, like slow and sultry or hot and heavy or rough and sloppy.  You can watch those with or without Tristan’s narrative instruction so it turns right into porn if you want.  If you get tired of hearing her in the background you could turn it off and just copy what’s happening on the screen if that’s your thing.

If you’re the type of couple that historically DOESN’T include porn in the bedroom, this video could be a great way to introduce it under the guise of “education.”  Unlike nearly all the “mainstream” porno, this one includes the GUY as a point of focus and interest, instead of just being a stunt cock positioned mostly off-frame. I liked that, and I’m sure other women feel the same way. You could really tell the guys were enjoying themselves.

In all, this was a really good video.  The language was not clinical at all, and while explicit, still managed to avoid sounding trashy.  Tristan’s instruction was clear, concise and confidence building.   Her interaction with her “class,” as well as her conversations with the porn stars, seemed genuine and unforced.

We give it two thumbs up.

Especially my husband who has been walking around with a big ol’ smile on his face lately.  I guess I did learn something… Thanks Tristan!

Treat yourself to your very own copy of Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex at Babeland

Post from: Toy With Me

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Fellatio

No related posts.

I’m only mentioning it because somehow everything in life can be related back to Seinfeld.  Or maybe it’s just my life. I don’t know, but I’m not good at dirty talk, either.

For example, my Mister and I were doing the Sexy Time a few weeks ago, and I don’t mind telling you that we’ve had a bit of a dry spell lately, and so it was a particularly desperate Sexy Time and it was very hot and heavy and extended and drunken and to make a long and inappropriately detailed story short, my poor husband was having a hard time landing his plane, if you know what I mean (blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol), so he flipped me over and breathed “talk to me” in my ear and I panicked.

I totally froze.

I had no idea what to say at that moment because I’m not much of a talker during sex.  In fact, I’m totally silent most of the time.  I don’t scream, there’s no moaning or crying out about the holy trinity or anything like that. Sometimes there might be breathing of some kind, but that’s it, so when my husband asked me to talk dirty to him, I had nothin’.

After a long pause as I went through all the possible things I could say, I finally came out with: “um…fuck me with your huge cock?”

I know. Shut up!

What was I supposed to say?

I don’t know!

Had I known I would be expected to perform in such a manner with the dirty talk, I would have had something prepared!  Like maybe I could have written a couple of lines down on a pillowcase so I’d have them if the need arose, but I had nothing, and my poor husband just laughed and rolled away.  He was just like, “that’s it?  That’s the best you’ve got?  Dirty talk should never be phrased in the form of a question, just fyi.”

And I felt terrible, you guys.  All he needed was a few choice porn phrases and maybe, just maybe, he would have been able to land his plane.

What makes me feel worse is that he’s really good at the dirty talk!  Like, super good at it.

I’m not going to tell you what he says exactly because it’ll have you leaving a wet spot on your office chair and also because HI MOM! But trust me it’s hot. Perhaps it’s even too hot for the Toy with Mes, if that’s even possible.

Clearly, I need some help.  I just feel so stoopid saying dirty stuff.  It always sounds weird coming out of my mouth.  I could never have phone sex or even cyber sex because I have no swagger.

One time, I said something like “I’m such a dirty slut. Do you like to fuck dirty sluts because I’m soooo dirty and slutty and I fuck everybody.”

(you can blame that on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, too)

For some reason, he didn’t like the idea that everyone had been on this ride.

I need to be in the Remedial class, so I Googled “Dirty Talk” and I stumbled across some person’s blog. Somehow, “I’m going to suck you like a lollipop” or “Fuck me like a porn star!” don’t seem very creative. “Do me like Daddy used to do me!” is pretty creative, but it’s also fucking creepy! Or Seinfeldian, come to think of it.

And then I wound up on About.com of all places, and I got a few nice tips that make a lot of sense to me, so I’m sharing them with all you guys who might be having the same trouble.

1. Be authentic in your dirty talk.
Okay, so I’m not the only one who feels ridiculous shouting porn stuff. Yay! Apparently, to be good at dirty talk, you have to be yourself and put yourself in the role of dirty talker. So, like, if I’m a tired mom who just wants her husband to land the plane already, I should just say, “land the plane already!” or is that not the kind of “authentic” they’re talking about? I’m still a little confused.

2. Find your dirty talk voice.
Grunts and whispers are also considered dirty talk! Who knew? What about breathing? I can totally breathe dirty.
Listen…

RIGHT? I think I’m getting the hang of this!

3. Expand your dirty talk vocabulary.
I do not need to do this. I have an excellent filth vocabulary. I’d like to think of myself as rather advanced in this department. NEXT!

4. Practice dirty talk when you’re alone.
Can you picture me standing there washing dishes, pushing the baby bottle brush in and out and shouting “deeper! deeper! cleaner! cleaner! I mean, dirtier! dirtier!”
Me neither. You can also do it while you masturbate, just in case you weren’t feeling a little weird about masturbating in the first place, now you’re shouting “FUCK ME DADDY!” at yourself.

5. Establish ground rules with your partner.
Make your partner promise not to laugh at you. I can try, but really? It’s kind of his favorite thing to do.

6. Start slow the first time.
Don’t worry about elaborate sexy talk right away. Stating the obvious like “we’re totally having sex right now!” is a great way to start.

7. Experiment with your voice.
I’m not really good at voices except for the one I use when I’m pretending I’m our dog and I’m talking to people. Maybe I could start with that? Sometimes I even answer myself. That would take the pressure off him to respond…

8. Make dirty talking a two way conversation.
This is intimidating because my husband is so good at it. It’s like trying to speak French to a French person working only from your English/French dictionary. Je ne suis pas sexy…

Anyway, I’m going to give it a try, but I’m still kind of at a loss for something to say. I guess it’ll come to me in the moment? I hope.

Do you Toy with Mes have any experience with dirty talk? Any choice phrases I can maybe start out with or are you just as verbally ridiculous in the bedroom as I am?

Post from: Toy With Me

How Not To Talk Dirty In Bed

Related posts:

1. Top 5 List Of Things To Do (in bed) For 2010
2. Lets Talk About This One Time I Queefed

“I like simple pleasures, like butter in my ass, lollipops in my mouth. That’s just me. That’s just something that I enjoy.” ~Floyd (Boogie Nights)

Whatever Santa brought you for Kwanzaweenkuhmas, it’s time to bring those gifts along into a new year. My resolution for 2010? I’m keeping my kinks. Gone are dairy and gluten, fast food and Fuddrucker’s. Also out the window are those delightful little jalapeno poppers filled with cheesy goodness.

But my kinks? Fuck you, fuck me – they’re here to stay.

Have you ever been in bed with someone and they seem totally appalled by something you like? It’s a huge turn off. And not only that, it kinda makes you feel like an ass for asking in the first place, right? Whether it’s oral sex, a “toy night,” spanking or dressing up like a schoolgirl and being taught a lesson for being a very, very naughty girl some back door action, why do there have to be kinks that a lover calls out of bounds? Or…have you done it to someone?

Of course, we all have our limits. Not everyone is into midgets in lederhosen or peeing on one another. But isn’t that what communication is for?

I have a new year’s resolution that perhaps you can help me with:

Can we make 2010 the year where we talk to our lovers instead of bitch about them to our buddies and girlfriends?

Novel fucking concept. Literally.

Me? For all that’s holy, honey – pull my hair, spank my ass and talk dirty to me. In exchange, I’ll do all those little (and not so little) things you like. Those things that make you make those noises. When it comes to our lovers, it’s those noises were all after, aren’t we? Maybe I’m talking out of my ass here (and guys, please feel free to chime in), but what gets you off more: going down on someone or going down on someone and hearing them respond? Moan with delight…arch her back a little…watch his knees quiver. That’s what communication is all about.

From The Redhead, here’s your Top 5 List of Things to Do (in bed) for 2010:

1. Try something new. Something you’re not sure if you’ll like. But try it. You know you want to…
2. Get some tools. You know, sex toys. It can be something as simple as a vibrator or some lube, but if you don’t already have a treasure chest…start shopping. Intercourse is one thing. SEX is something completely different. And in my opinion, when you bring love into the equation, it can be mind-boggling to combine the two into something completely and utterly exquisite.
3. Go ahead – ask. Take a minute out of your predictable sex play and ask your lover: what can I do for you? And don’t take “You’re doing it” or “I’m fine” for an answer. You’re intimate with this person. Trade secrets. My philosophy on fantasies is that you need to make them realities every once and awhile…it makes room for new ones. 
4. Listen a little more. As I alluded to before, we’re all in search of those noises. Do you really know what makes them? Take the time to listen to your partner’s body instead of your libido. What makes his balls jump a little bit? What makes her clit wink at you? Does she tense up when you touch her there but moan when you touch her here? Does he like nibbling? How do you know? Take an audible inventory and couple it with your tactile approach. I guarantee – your lover will thank you.
5. Define your fucking vocabulary. Does your lover prefer it if you say “dick” or “cock?” Is it her “hoo hoo” or her “pussy?” When you talk to your lover about their body with terms they appreciate, you’re telling them: I listen and I want to please you. You’re also opening the door for your lover to get their fucking vocabulary in order as well. Need some help? Just say, “I love it when you tell me how much you like my dick,” or, “I love the way you eat my pussy.” There. Explained. ‘Nuf said.

Got a question for The Redhead? You can get in on the column action by using my anonymous submission form or find me daily on Ask Dear Redhead on Formspring. I’d love to chat with you…and I’ll answer anything. Well, most anything. A girl’s gotta have her secrets!

This week’s question is all about resolve and becoming the master of one’s own domain (a brilliant way to start the new year, I say!).

Dear Redhead~

I’m thinking about taking “Choking the Chicken” to a whole new level. I don’t want to be found asphyxiated because the chair slid out from under me doing that whole auto-erotic asphyxiation thing. My roommate already gives me enough shit. I was thinking more along the lines of cock rings. Any advice on where to start?

Choked Up

Dear Choked Up~

Well, it sounds like Rosie Palm and her five sisters already have a fine working relationship with Captain Fantastic. Cock rings are more designed to make you last longer during intercourse, so if you’re looking for ways to make “alone time” a bit more fun, how about something like a Fleshlight? Innocuous enough, it’s the number one-selling sex toy for men. Easy to use (I’m told – see, I don’t have a dick), moderately priced and available in many models, you can avoid the whole choking side of things and just get jolly by jerking off in a new way. And if you get one, do tell us what you think – after all, I’m The Redhead and you’re the dude. I’ll take your word on a Fleshlight over mine any day! Happy new year to you, Rosie, the sisters and the Captain.

And now…this week’s contest will help you with Step 2 above: win a shiny, sexy OhMiBod Freestyle music driven vibe! Check out Crissy’s Hilarious review here.

Riddle me this: what’s YOUR sexual New Year’s Resolution? Make it good and we’ll rise to the occasion and reward you appropriately. Winner will be announced on Thursday January 15th!

Post from: Toy With Me

Top 5 List Of Things To Do (in bed) For 2010

Related posts:

1. How Not To Talk Dirty In Bed
2. The Top Six Types Of Lousy Lovers
3. The Redhead Is Coming

And this week, in all honesty: I’m completely unsexy.

Aside from having a “fat” day, my head seems to have meandered and found its way back up my ass. I just feel…meh.

There’s nothing different when I look in the mirror. Well, aside from what appears to be the inkling of a pimple on my chin. Having turned three-seven last week, you’d think that the acne would have left for teener pastures. Wrong. Hello, zit zapper cream – my name is Cougar.

There’s nothing different about the way my jeans fit. Matter of fact, they’re one pair away from my skinny jeans. Any other day, that would be fucking awesome. Today – it’s meh.

Having (recently? Not really) ended something that should have ended much sooner, I’m fairly sure my mood begs the question: am I soup? Soup is runny and fills the space it’s given. No matter what kinda chunks you put in it, soup remains soup. It’s never really divine. Not really interesting. More of something to warm you up or tide you over until whatever’s next arrives. And damn. That’s unsexy.

When something ends, the questions begin.

Was it my fault?
Is it me?
Am I fat?
Was I clingy?
Did I talk too much?
Am I fat?
Was it the sex? Was it not good enough? Am I not open enough? Am I too open?
Did I leave the iron on?
How do I believe anything he said?
Was it a lie?
Was I lying to myself?
What the fuck is the matter with me?!?!

That whole laundry list of questions – well, it’s pretty unsexy, too. Filled with self-doubt and lacking the sass and self-confidence that I carry around like a purse dog. The fact of the matter is I’m up to my nostrils in Tit Soup and I can’t seem to drink my way out.

I know I’m a sex, dating and relationship advice columnist – but how do I serve my readers when I’m sitting here in soup with Green Day lyrics running through my head:

When masturbation’s lost its fun
You’re fucking breaking

Where my head is at – I’m not even thinking about the hey, diddle diddle. And what’s worse: I’m not a “moper!” For fuck sake, I’m a doer and a shove-it-up-yer-arse if ya hates it, Preeeeeeecious kinda gal.

I can’t even shove something up my own ass since my head is currently up there. Awesome.

So there it is, my readers: Dear Redhead is in the soup. I don’t wanna diddle my way out, I don’t even want to go on a date. Today, at least. Someday would be nice, I’m sure. But that’s the thing when you live your life in words in the public eye: it has to be honest. If someone would please grab the Cat and the Fiddle (along with an OhMiBod Freestyle) and jump (or GET jumped) over the moon for me, it’d be appreciated. I’ll be out of the soup soon, but today…well, it’s tomato basil bisque (and that shit is going to stain).

Here’s where I shift focus from my soup to someone else’s stew…you’ll see what I mean:

Dear Redhead~

HELP HELP HELP – I need an expert opinion and quick!

It started innocently. A night out that ended with three-way nakedness. The suspects: me, my husband (together 10 years) and a mutual male friend.

Since the first incident happened, it’s happened again, to the point where it is almost IMPLIED if we see each other, we’ll sleep together.

On top of that, our mutual friend has started escalating our communications. He sends texts, videos, pics, emails, calls, etc. He knows my hubby’s schedule and tends to get in touch with me when I am bound to be alone. At first I played along, thinking it was just us bull-shitting and joking around. Now, he even asks to see me alone.

What do I say to my friend to stop it without harming the relationship? I’m fine with the threesome part, since my DH is a consensual partner. But with the texts, emails, pics – I feel guilty about it happening. He is also in a committed relationship and she probably doesn’t know about this.

I’m not ready to stop being friends. Are we destined to be stuck here? Can we ever go back to ‘just friends’?

Signed,

Threesome Conundrum

Dear Threesome Conundrum~

Well, m’dear Threesome…that’s some stew you and DH have cooked up! Waaaay beyond my soup du jour, I’ll say. Let’s get down to the broth, shall we?

First – this is done. And there’s a very simple reason it’s done: your male friend is cheating on his partner. Using only the info you’ve given, there’s a fourth party that needs to consent to your three-way frolicking: his girlfriend. Many couple swing, and many not even regularly. More often, even, it happens with friends as they’re perceived as “safe.” While there’s nothing inherently wrong with your three-way fun, what bothers me the most is the absent “fourth.”

And YOU are the one to define the parameters of this relationship, not your “friend.” If he was truly your friend, all sex aside, he’d respect the fact that you’re in a committed relationship as well – with your husband – and not try to cross the lines from threesome into a twosome without DH’s input. Swinging dynamics are very personal and require consent among all parties. Otherwise, someone is going to cross the line, which appears to be what’s happening now.

And you’re doing nothing to ruin your friendship – it sounds like your friend is doing all that himself. Sit down and have the talk – about the none-the-wiser girlfriend and about YOUR lines for propriety. And then…you need to decide what you will and won’t share with your husband about the situation.

This week, you’re cordially invited to sit on the rim of my soup bowl and tell me: what’s the longest you have gone without the Hey Diddle Diddle and why? Log your comments below and your abstinence could win you a sexy OhMiBod Freestyle (see the Hilarious review here)! We will decide the winner and results will be posted on…Monday December 21st at 5pm.

Post from: Toy With Me

When Masturbation’s Lost Its Fun, You’re Fucking Breaking

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1. Breaking Up Can Get Downright Ugly
2. Sexomnia – Kind Of Like Sleep Walking But With Fucking

I remember three seasons ago when I first laid eyes on Joan Holloway. Yes, my inner lesbian screamed. YES! Porcelain skin, auburn tresses and hips that would bring an aircraft carrier coming into port to a halt a clear mile away from the pier. Now THAT was a woman, I thought. I wanted to kiss her.

Moreso, I wanted to run my fingertips across her cheekbones. Down her neck. Feel her breasts stashed inside a Playtex bra underneath her feminine frock-du-jour. Run my hands over her hips and celebrate the fact that she had hips and was shaped more like an hourglass than Pete Campbell

There have been moments throughout the past three seasons that I have wanted nothing more than to have Joan Holloway (now Harris since she’s gone and married some dipshit wannabe surgeon. I applauded when she smashed that vase over his head in season three. If you haven’t seen the episode, sorry I fucked that up for you…). I am a girly girl who is a flag-waving fan of the good ‘ol Texas Hangdown (read: dick), but I’d totally hit for the same team if I could have Joan.

Call me crazy, but I think there is something completely luscious in dressing for dinner and putting on your good pearls for the evening. Dabbing on a shade of lipstick in a gold, ridged tube that stains your lips even after a man’s kissed it off completely. I wonder what it felt like the first time a man’s hand slid up past your hemline, feeling the tops of your stockings. Hormones ranging and society shouting whore! as you pushed his hand away and your heart settled from your throat back into your chest beneath a bra shaped more like a straitjacket than a piece of lingerie.

Joan’s got it: the sex appeal, the moxie. The body that would turn a priest to male prostitute. She has what porn is lacking: a package. Pictures are pretty, but when Joan’s red hair tumbles down from her pent-up ‘do, I have no shame saying that, with every ounce of my heterosexuality, I want it to fall on my face. Strands, in my mouth. I want to bite them. Bite her, the ample apple she is. You can’t tell me there’s not something…wickedly sweet…about the prospect of messing up something so pretty as one of these ladies. And knowing you were the one who did the deed. It’s possession, pure and simple. To have something so feminine and seemingly delicate and remove her from her shell by its back zipper and garter belt. It’s private – that’s what attracts me. I can imagine a bedroom or boardroom, the door slammed closed as the frantic undressing begins.

But this, I know: Joan would probably bite me harder than I’d ever dare bite her, the naughty, naughty little bitch. In the morning, I’d send her a hand-written Crane thank you card.

My lust for Joanie Dear is the perfect occasion for announcing: Dear Redhead has a new column sponsor AND a new contest this week to win an awesome prize! If you tell me about your number one never-to-be-had TV or movie crush (and the scene that “had you at hello”), you’ll win the sexy OhMiBod iPod-compatible vibrator! Just plug this baby into your iPod or iPhone and you, too can have the music in you. Oh My. Leave your comment below and I’ll announce the winner on Thursday December 10th!

This week’s question for The Redhead:

Dear Redhead~

My boyfriend grew up in a very sheltered home. I understand this and try and explain stuff to him as best as I can when he asks me about things relating to sex. The other day though…he struck me speechless with the question: “So what actually happens when a guy masturbates?” Now, I’ve answered his queries about periods, tampons and wet dreams to name a few but this one totally threw me…a guy who doesn’t understand masturbation? Do you know of a website, book, or something I could show to him to help him out?

Sex Ed

Dear Sex Ed~

Sounds like you’ve got a real project on your hands, sister! First, you must really care about this guy to spend the time being his sexual guide. It’s no simple undertaking. There are a few thoughts I’ll put out there as you work with your guy on putting out. I hope they help:

1. Does he have many male friends? It sounds like he might be flying pretty light in the dude department. Encouraging your guy to pursue more male friendships could do wonders for having some “guy input” on his sexuality AND lighten the load on you to explain every little detail.
2. Don’t know a gentle way of saying this, but have you ever jerked him off? I think that simple act alone would answer his question. If he’s new to masturbation, you’re probably going to be waiting in line behind Left Hand and Right Hand for awhile once he gets a grip on the concept!
3. I’ll be the asshole here and say that you need to embrace the concept that you’re this guy’s first. And you probably won’t be his last. You don’t need to feel obligated to send him off to the Land of Strange with a matching set of luggage and a new sofa.
4. As for books, why don’t you try the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex and perhaps Sex for One? They could be excellent places for a beginner to begin his sexual journey (and lighten your teaching load in the process!).

Post from: Toy With Me

I’d Totally Hit For The Same Team If I Could Do Joan Holloway

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127 of you, in fact.

Collectively, I love how twisted you are. You did, however, catch The Redhead a bit off guard. Honor students…ex-execs…meat eaters. Wow.

Here’s how the twisted stats shake out in the wash:

Sex Toys…

73%of you own them (designated in the survey as vibrators, BDSM accessories, cock rings, swings, gimps in your closet, etc.)

27% of you need to get your shit together and get some

Of those of you who own sex toys…

27% own Vibrators (battery operated or powered)
18% own Dildos
14% own Handcuffs/Restraints
11% own Other awesome shit
10% own Cock Ring
8% own General BDSM accessories (masks, gags, whips, etc – does not include restraints)
8% own Anal beads or ben-wa balls
3% own Sex Pillows (love wedges, etc)
1% own Suspension Equipment (swings, etc)

And if you’re wondering, “other awesome shit” includes…

“Little spiky rubber rings to put around his cock”

“I love nipple clamps, although it’s taken several iterations to find a set that does what I want.”

“My husband, who is better at taking The Anal than I am (I am actually oddly jealous), loves my strap-on.”

“Ties. Since I do not wear them to work anymore had to find something to do with these silk babies.”

“My honor cords from high school graduation”(fucking A – HONOR ROLL!)

“I was tired of my Anal Trainer Non-Vibrating Dildo and I wanted (craved, is a better word description) a bigger model. Since the nearest ToyBoxStore was 50 miles away I spied a nice Ekrich Sausage as a substitute.” (Apparently it’s not just for breakfast anymore…)

“Other couples. A third. Or being the third. Cameras.” (There goes the neighborhood)

“Some little vibrating octopus thing.” (like this?)

“Produce. Cucs, zucchini, eggplant, etc.” (When you don’t have produce, do you get green balls instead of blue ones?)

How frequently do you use the following toys & accessories in your sexual activities?

Your favorite overall sex toy is….

A vibrator. Hands down (yeah, down around your naughty bits!). You folks love da bunny and your Lelo toys!

*****
So now, Dear Redhead readers is where I ask you: what would you like to hear more about in my column?

I have a request for a blow job “how to” course. Consider it done. It’ll blow your mind.

But there’s more you’re not telling me, my little monkeys…

Leave your comments below. While this column is my own little dick-tatorship, it is ultimately for you. Next week, we’ll return to answering your questions (there are some juicy ones in the hopper!), but this week, it’s all about you, your kinks and what kind of kinks you want me to talk about.

Sending you all a virtual boob flash.

Thanks for reading, don’t forget to subscribe and tell your friends about the kinky redhead with a foul mouth!

Sidebar: Toys for big and small…Meet me, Dear Redhead, at tonight’s Denver Tweetup. ToyWithMe.com is co-sponsoring and I’d love to say hello! The holidays are all about toys and we’re delighted to be doing a toy drive along with some naughty giveaways. Cum early, stay late.

Post from: Toy With Me

Dear Redhead’s Sex Toy Poll

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Oooooh, a spanking!” ~ Monty Python’s Holy Grail

I typed “spanking” into the Google search bar just for giggles. I don’t know what I found more curious – that there’s an actual Wikipedia entry for spanking (this is necessary?) or that there’s a spanking club in New York City (read: awesome!). There’s even a handy-dandy guide to spanking for newbies on that site. Man, the shit you find at 11pm on the interwebz when you mistakenly took a muscle relaxer instead of a Claritin.

But Redhead (you ask), what does this all mean?

Well, my precious little monkeys, it means that there are resources for everything and I’m one of them. There are no dumb questions on Dear Redhead. You can even don a Cloak of Invisibility and have your questions addressed sans stigma. If more people felt comfortable asking questions about sex, dating and relationships, there’d be a lot more boning and a lot less fighting going on. After all, I do maintain that blow jobs can bring about world peace. Major props to the Kinky Jew for her post earlier this week on exploring BDSM and the accepting nature of that community. If you haven’t given it a read, it’s titillating to say the least!

I had more questions in my inbox than I could handle this week, so some will spill over into next week’s column. After all, since I’ve already shown you my boobs, I have to keep you coming back somehow! This week, we’re chatting about the elusive myth of the female orgasm and the skinny on sexual attraction.

Dear Redhead~

Can you tell me what percentage of women actually have orgasms just through intercourse without clitoral stimulation? Most women I talk to cannot. I think that is more the norm.

Statistically Confused

Dear Statistically Confused~

Let me just whip-out my crystal ball and see here…hmmm….I have no fucking clue. But I will tell you that in my case, the two most certainly go together. I did some digging for you and found a very useful piece online (courtesy of Brown University’s Health Education Program!) that I think is spot-on. Pun intended.

Here’s the truth from The Redhead: every woman’s body is different. Some women have overly sensitive and prominent G-spots and other women have clitorises that a stiff breeze could arouse. I think masturbation and an open dialogue with a patient sexual partner is the key to finding out not only what you like but how you can best communicate to a partner what you like. As the owner of both a clitoris and a G-spot (shit howdy), I can tell you that there are even days where one is more willing to play at the playground than the other.

We are human beings, not mechanized things you can pick up on an end cap at Walmart underneath a maniacal yellow smiley face “Roll Back!” sign. If you never have an orgasm via your G-spot, you won’t be the only gal in that boat. But in that case, it’s your responsibility to communicate to your partner that fact. Letting your partner know how they can please you sure as hell beats any statistics I can throw out there that will either make you feel awesome or like an outcast.

And here’s the other part of this equation: don’t fake it. Shut your whore mouths and quit faking orgasms, ladies. You know what? It’s a lie. You’re lying to your partner. If your bedmate is just a zipless sport fuck you’ve brought home for the night, fine. Faux-moan your little vulva out. But if you’re bedding a true partner quit faking and start communicating. There is nothing that makes a man or woman feel more like a rock star than bringing their partner to a slot machine-like, eye-rolling, knee-quivering orgasm that leaves them a mere puddle of a human being.

So screw statistics and start touching yourself naughty. Get your partner on in there, too. And if all else fails, you can get one of these. If that won’t give her a full on gushing G-spot orgasm then nothing, and I mean nothing ever will.

Dear Redhead ~

When I met my girl I was over 250 lbs, flabby and pasty white. She was 110lbs, petite, and her body and personality were retardedly hot. Now I’m almost 200lbs, gaining some muscle and starting to go tanning. She’s still 100lbs, petite and retardedly hot. But as time goes on, there’s less fire in the bed.

Now…I’m a guy. Foreplay and sex are things I’m down for 24/7 at the drop of a hat. But when I do things like cuddle, touch her gently, kiss, or go out of my way to do something nice, none of it results in getting the vibe that she’s interested in getting anything on. Meanwhile she’ll watch me playing cornhole and get totally turned on and not say anything to me. Then she complains that we don’t get it on more.

I have no idea what the hell is going on. Am I just more attractive as a pasty, flabby guy? Or has that fiery physicality from when we first met finally worn off and there’s just nothing there anymore? Help!

Fire Starter

Dear Fire Starter ~

First of all, congrats on focusing on you and putting in the effort to improve yourself. When we’re happy about our bodies, we experience a whole different kind of confidence which most definitely translates to the sack.

I can’t fathom what’s going on with your girl. Have you tried (gasp) talking to her? Maybe she has a kink for watching you masturbate. If that’s the case, hey – I can think of more complicated kinks to deal with in a relationship. If that’s the case, hell…make it a part of your regular sex play and it’ll turn you on to see her get turned on. Then bone like teenagers behind the bleachers at homecoming, yo?

Perhaps your girl has a preference for big guys. There are plenty of gals (and guys) out there who prefer ample lovers. If this is the case, she should tell you that. But you’re never going to know unless you open the floodgates of communication.

Here’s my issue with this scenario (and understand that my knowledge is limited to what you’ve shared): when you try to do “relationship” things, she’s shutting you out and then complaining that there’s not more boning. Seriously!? There’s a woman out there that’s dissing a dude’s affections and do-nice efforts? I kinda wanna slap her as she makes it look bad for the rest of us. It’s usually the other way around: we’re begging for more of the intimacy.

Being intimate with someone is different from having sex with someone. In a recent conversation with my partner, we smiled when we realized: talking is the most intimate thing we do. That communication leads to better sex, better days and a better understanding of what we each expect, are challenged by and that which freaks our respective shit completely out. Intimacy leads to long-term relationships. Having sex with someone leads to…well, more sex and a hefty tab at the drug store for condoms and lube.

My best advice is to sit down and talk with your girl. If you’re interested in a relationship with her, you need to develop some intimacy (which she currently shuns). And I don’t really think she’s in any position to complain about not having sex when you and Captain Fantastic are ready to go at the drop of a hat, 24/7. There’s something that’s not being said here and while it may be uncomfortable to unearth, you’re doing both you and her a huge disservice if you don’t try to dig it up.

Comment Contest!
In the spirit of “no dumb questions,” we can talk about what’s weird, right? This week, we’re giving away some more sexy Jimmy Jane massage oil candles for the best comment. While wax on the nipples has become a cliche, we want to hear:

What’s the weirdest thing a lover has ever asked you to do in bed?

We’ll pick the winner at 5pm EST on Tuesday November 17th so stay tuned and leave a comment. Your kinks are safe with us

Post from: Toy With Me

Dear Redhead, What The Hell Is Up With The G-Spot?

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I love my readers. Thanks again for your collective efforts to get me over 1000 followers on Twitter. You’ve been duly rewarded. However – there is some dissention in the ranks. Some of you are complaining about my provided “boob shot,” as if it weren’t enough. Here is where I am perplexed.

You’ve all now seen more of the Sweater Kittens than 99% of the world, so I’m really done with all of your selected whining on the lack of full frontal and nipplage. Here’s my response:

• There is a lovely man in my life who has earned the keys to my sexual castle. Only he has access to the “full frontal” and “nipplage.” I am a snarky sex advice columnist, not a nightclub skank or porn star.
• You saw boobs. I don’t understand why you’re complaining. Explain this one to me again?
• Lastly, you saw boobs. I’m still a bit lost about the whining.

I need all of you to go back to the days where you were fourteen-years-old and whacking off to a Farrah Fawcet poster. The days where you appreciated boobs. You saw most of mine this week, and that was my gift to you. Don’t look a boob horse in the mouth, yo?

To thank you further, I realize it’s been awhile since we’ve given away a toy here on ToyWithMe. So this week, I’m giving away…a cock ring. Yes, I said cock. Guys and gals, submit your hottest sex toy experience in the comments below and you could win the LELO BO, which is the best cock ring ever made. I have never given away a cock ring before – very excited.  I have given away a no-longer-needed engagement ring, however. Another story entirely – my own little Hank Moody moment. We will choose a winner tomorrow at 5pm EST.

This week, we’re talking about Noobs. New to sex toys, new to sex, and new to becoming the UPS man. All hail the Noobs! Let’s dive in face-first. (snicker)

Dear Redhead~

My wife bought a little small vibrator – not much bigger than my thumb – shaped like a bullet. We tried it maybe 2 times and she decides that she doesn’t like it. What are we doing wrong?  Does she need something that goes inside her?

Unphased

Dear Unphased~

I’m on your wife’s side, actually. Those little guys do nothing for me, but I’ve read product reviews where you would swear they produce orgasms akin to the Second Coming. Everyone has preferences when it comes to sexual stimulation, just like we all have favorite sexual positions. You may want to try out something like the Hitachi Magic Wand (a bit more high powered) or something like the We-Vibe (a different shape and designed for couples). She may even want a larger vibrating surface like the Lelo Gigi provides. Bottom line is there are plenty of vibrators on the market that will give your girl a thrill. Don’t be discouraged about not finding the right one from the get-go. Let me put it like this: I suck at every Wii game I’ve ever played, but as soon as I found Bowling, that all changed. Awwwyeah. Bowling.

Dear Redhead~

I don’t have much experience with girls. I do a lot of reading, but is there such thing as being too prepared? I just want to be ready when the time comes, but am I shooting myself in the foot?

The Noob

Dear Noob~

When it comes to the whole dating and sex game, everyone finds their rhythm eventually. While there’s no shame in waiting, and since I have no idea how long you’ve waited or what you’re waiting for, I’ll send out some general advice that you can take, leave or sell on eBay.

You can read all you want, but getting out there and figuring out the joy of sexual and relationship chemistry is a hands-on gig. There is no instruction manual for men or women though there are days we all wish to all that’s holy that wasn’t the case. You can treat two seemingly identical romantic or sexual situations the same but you’re likely to have a different outcome each time. Here are some things to keep in mind as you brave the sexual jungle:

• Sex is sex. Sometimes people just want to have sex. Recognize it for what it is, be honest about your intentions.
• Sex and relationships are both about sharing. They are not about giving. They are not about taking. The gentle balance – while it takes us all awhile and practice to find – is what makes the ride worthwhile.
• The thrill of the hunt is fun, but don’t be a doormat. You know what feels good emotionally and physically. Hopefully you’ll be finding a lot more that brings about those feelings as you get out there in the mating pond. Don’t let any woman walk over you – be kind but firm. Be your own person, as your self-worth has nothing to do with what others think of you – it has everything to do with what you think of yourself.

Keep reading, Noob – and report back and let us know how the waters are in the dating and mating pool!

Dear Redhead~

I read about anal sex in your column all the time and am pretty turned on by the idea. Problem? I’ve never actually done it. Any tips for a guy on his first time around back?

Applying to UPS

Dear Applying to UPS~

Thanks for being a regular reader and I’m glad that something here has stimulated your interest. Hoping I can be of help here since I’m not a dude, but here are some tips to get in you around back safe and sound…past the tip.

• Two to tango. I’m assuming your girl is game. If she’s not, you kinda need her to be game. Sexual exploration is natural for both men and women and anal sex is something that will require a little more…give…on her end than yours. (I’m cracking myself up.) In all seriousness, make sure that you both have an adventurous outlook on the hawt task at hand.
• Lube, dude…lube. Grab yourself some lube specifically designed for sex play. Not hand lotion. Not cooking oil. L-U-B-E. Our back doors do not, as I’ve mentioned previously, produce any natural lubricant. You may want to err on the side of a thicker lubricant than the more popular liquidy ones as well.  They will keep you from having to reapply as often. And for the love of all that’s holy, skip the “tingling” and “warming” gels. Oh. God. No. Click here to get a free sample courtesy of our friends at Astroglide.
• Easy there, cowboy. You’re the winner in the “first package at the back door” game the first few times around. Go slow and let her guide the speed, depth and duration. I have no doubt you’re a stallion who could ride forever, but I’m thinking your girl has a day job and may need to sit down in the next day or two. Have a heart along with your hard on, mkay?

Don`t forget! submit your hottest sex toy experience in the comments below and you could win the LELO BO,

Post from: Toy With Me

Dear Redhead, My Wife Hates Her Vibrator

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There’s this guy here in Denver I slept with. Yes, it’s true: The Redhead has actually engaged in intercourse outside of wedlock. Holy. Fucking. Shit. But that’s not the remarkable part. I can’t call what we were doing “dating” since dating actually implies a two-way relationship, so for the love of  all that’s holy, let’s just call it “convenient for at least one party.” SO! What’s remarkable is that, since this “convenient thing” has ended (months ago) and I’m like a giddy schoolgirl with Mr. Snacky (my chosen pseudonym for my new Royal Hotness), he still feels the need to mention how awesome it’ll be to see my tits when I flash them when I hit 1000 followers on Twitter.

Here’s my thought: when something is done, let it be done. Do you really think I’m interested in having a conversation about your thoughts on my tits? All I can do is spend my days thinking about nibbling on various parts of Mr. Snacky and here you come, uninvited, with the “awwwyeah – TITS!” like they’re an appetizer from Applebee’s on game day.

Do I think my tits are the holy grail? Not even close. But they are $5500 worth of man-made perfection and I doubt my followers will complain. But they’re not yours to talk about. That’s the cool thing about having tits: they’re mine. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.

So guy: it’s done. It ain’t something to rehash. Stop talking about my tits or thinking you even have permission to talk about them. You had your card pulled. And by me, if I recall correctly.

On a brighter, more self-indulgent note, Dear Redhead was the focus of last Friday’s #69 Edition at Cru Jones Society. Thanks, guys. Sending you a virtual boob flash for the props!

For all my faithful followers that are asking – “Ohhh…..is there a contest this week?” You bet your sweet little butt cheeks there is!  Get your sexy on with your honey and  JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Candles. Not only do they create a sexy glow, but you can (oh my) paint your lover with the warmed oil they create!

Just post the most unusual place you’ve had “sexy time” below. We’ll announce the winner at 5pm EST on Friday!

This week’s column has me all choked-up. And, we’re going to finally answer two questions that have plagued all mankind. Put your gag ball in, get tied to the bedpost and settle in for some reading!

Dear Redhead~

My boyfriend often grabs my neck while doing me from behind – I think he’s trying for the autoerotic asphyxiation effect. I have to admit there are times where I let it go on a bit and it does heighten the pleasure, but it scares the hell out of me. Is the pleasure worth the risk?

All Choked Up

Dear All Choked Up~

autoerotic asphyxiation is the act of cutting-off your own oxygen supply (generally during masturbation) to heighten sexual pleasure. What your guy is doing is asphyxiation erotica. Commonly referred to in BDSM circles as “breath play,” it isn’t something you can just let your boyfriend do to you. You both need to be in agreement about safety, that it is consensual and what you each perceive your comfort level to be (and how to signal for a partner to stop – as you can’t really tell him when he’s choking you). Yes, the danger is there for you to go too far, but if you’re really interested in learning how to safely incorporate breath play into your sex routine, try Bondage.com. Every fetish has a home, and you might find some solid information there.

As far as the pleasure being worth the risk: I’ve never done heroin, but seeing Requiem for a Dream once was enough to convince me that the “pleasure” isn’t worth the risk. Just sayin’.

Dear Redhead~

Why do I get more interest from a woman when I treat her kind of crappy as opposed to when I’m nice and polite?

Confused Dude

Dear Confused Dude~

Because it’s all about primal instinct, my friend. Men and women both enjoy the thrill of the hunt. When most (stupid) women feel pushed away, they’ll try to “fix” the situation. Guys are no different with a woman they like. Ever had that woman you just fawned over who wouldn’t give you the time of day if she were in a clock tower wearing three watches? You still thought she was hot.

As well, there’s a confidence thing in all this. Both men and women alike who put out the vibe that I’m just as good with you as without you vibe are just a little bit…sexier…than the rest. What you might perceive as “treating crappy” may be no more than you taking care of your own needs. But if you really are treating a woman crappy, I’ll bitch slap you myself. There’s a difference (men and ladies – listen up) between being a confident person with your own interests and needs and being a dick or a bitch. There’s never any excuse for being the latter. Confidence is sexy – no one likes a doormat.

Dear Redhead~

So what’s up with women anyway?

Mankind

Dear Mankind~

This is what I get for having an anonymous question submission form on the site. But, it’s a question that needs answering, so I’ll rise to the challenge.

Women are inherently evil. There – I said it. We lure you in with our nice smells and heaving bosoms, promises of blow jobs and delicate back rubs. We only pretend to like sports because we know we can play the you watched the game so now you have to take out the trash card. We are conniving and quite frankly, will ruin your life if you let us.

We will marry you only in community property states so we can walk away with half of everything you own after the divorce. Your friends? Really – just forget you have them. Once Captain Fantastic seeks refuge in a va-jay-jay’s warm embrace, owner of said va-jay-jay IS your only friend.

We purposely lift the toilet seat up even if you put it down, solely for the purpose of having something to yell at you about. We will also change our mood, hair, clothes, what’s for dinner and The Rules at any given time. It is OK for us to buy shoes that cost $400, but completely ludicrous for you to spend $40 on the boxed set of Star Wars movies. We don’t care if it’s all six movies. These are Stuart Weitzmans, for fuck sake.

Finally, unless you want to try “gay” on for size, we are the only ones who will suck your dicks. Which means you’re stuck with us. Or one of these. Your choice.

Post from: Toy With Me

Dear Redhead, What’s The Deal With Women?

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