Post from: Toy With Me

Boobie Wednesday Trading Cards

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Post from: Toy With Me

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Via Twitter, I had encountered this interview (1) concerned Ey’Van. She’s an African-American female blogger being interviewed about her blog which intertwines her perspectives on sexuality, sensuality, and intimacy (among other things). And as per usual, I found myself wondering, “Wow. That sort of thing must be nice. Getting laid and having a sexy husband and all.” For some reason, I’m often pulled into this mentality that those who are having sex are somehow infinitely wiser, happier and just more than me. 

Maybe this is because the conversation revolving around sex almost always focuses on the Other, versus the Self. Whenever I wander into B&N, looking at the sexuality section, it’s always about positions between two people, or how to create intimacy between two people. I haven’t found a book as of yet that discusses the intimacy with the Self that masturbating can (and does) create. 

Masturbating is probably one of the few things I really enjoy about myself because I’ve been doing it since elementary school, and watching porn since I was fourteen. I enjoy looking up new techniques, new positions and creating better orgasms for myself. Whenever I meet girls who don’t enjoy sex or have a hard time achieving orgasms, I want to help them because sex with yourself should be fun and ranked as a top priority (assuming you’re not asexual). 

The conversation of sexuality definitely needs to be inclusive, not just limited to the few who have regular access to sex. For a long time I used to feel that I didn’t need to learn anything about sex because I wasn’t having any and didn’t think it was a valuable use of my time. But even so, learning about protection, reproductive health and sexuality can easily empower a person (particularly a woman) and dispel a lot of stereotypes and false assumptions. This is even more true if you don’t prescribe to heterosexual sex, and prefer sex with people of your own gender. Same-sex sexuality is rarely discussed – if ever – and to steer the direction to the LGBT community would be excellent in clearing up a lot of the misconceptions. 

So, what are some benefits to masturbation? (2)

Health Wise:

1. Helps prevent cervical infections and helps relieve urinary tract infections because the cervix opens up which increases friendly bacteria, and allows more fluid to move into the vagina. The fluid lubricates the vagina, while flushing out bacterial organisms. 

2. Associated with improved cardiovascular health and lower risk of type-2 diabetes, because studies revealed that more orgasms and greater satisfaction with sex – without or with a partner – showed greater resistance to coronary heart disease and type-2 diabetes.

3. Helps work against insomnia naturally, through hormonal and tension release because the “feel good” hormone knows as Dopamine, is rises with a sexual climax. Afterward, oxytocin and endorphins are released helping you to sleep. 

4. Increases pelvic floor strength (“The pelvic floor makes up a significant piece of your body’s core, the essence of your very being. The foundation for all movement, balance, stability and flexibility begins in the pelvis” – 3). 

Psychological and Emotional Wise:

1. Improves our mood as it helps relieve out depressive emotions with mood booster hormones, Dopamine and Epinephrine. 

2. Relieves stress because you’re taking the time to take care of your body, amidst the stresses of everyday life. 

3. Strengthens our relationship to ourselves! 

4. Strengths sexual relationship with partner.

So the benefits of masturbating can help keep us both sane and healthy! The discussion of sex definitely needs to start centering around the Self, versus sex with another person because not everyone is having sex, nor is everyone interested in doing it with another person. The discourse about sex also needs to include not just heterosexuals, but people from all walks of life who don’t have a lot of resources available to them to understand their own sexual desires. 

Post from: Toy With Me

Virgin Sexuality

You know what some people find really weird about me, Toy with Mes?

Okay, first of all, SHUT UP because I’m only talking about ONE thing.  Yes, I know I’m fairly weird, but the thing that some people find particularly weird about me is my willingness to talk about anything to the Internets.  In case you haven’t noticed yet. There is no topic I won’t cover and share my intimate personal experiences on because everyone knows the Internet isn’t real.

You’re not real, are you?

I didn’t think so.  I’m not real either.

But even though I’m not real, there is one subject that I’ve been wanting to tell you about, but have been feeling shy about it and I’m not sure why because it’s actually something I think more ladies should try (I’ve converted two people so far).

It’s the Diva Cup and I really like it.

For those of you who don’t know what it is, a Diva Cup is an alternative to using tampons and pads to hold back the red tide when Auntie Flow comes a ‘visitin’.  They’ve actually been around since the 1930′s. To be honest I think they’ve been around a lot longer than that. I started using one because I was totally freaked out by the thought that my tampons and pads and stuff were treated with chemicals and mouse urine or something and then there I was allowing this expensive toxic crap to have frequent, intimate contact with my lady business!

Icky.

The Diva Cup is a smallish medical grade, latex free silicone cup that you kind of shove up your noonie and it holds your menstruations in until you’re ready to change it.  Think of a contraceptive diaphragm, only with a deeper cup. It has a small “handle” at the bottom to help with maneuvering it.

I don’t think it’s a big deal, but I know some people are totally grossed out by the thought of collecting their bloods in a little cup and then dumping it out in the toilet afterward, but really?  Is it more gross than collecting it in a wad of cotton and leaving it in a landfill?  I don’t think so.

So, I bought a Diva Cup.  While I was ordering it, I was slightly insulted that I needed the “Model 2″ for women over 30, or who have given birth vaginally or by Cesarean section.  I sort of read that as “Model 2: for tired old whores,” but whatever.  Maybe those are my insecurities talking and not necessarily judgment from the Diva Cup people.  Possibly.

Finally I got one in my hand. It looks kind of big. At the same time it looks not big enough to hold what I’ve got goin’ on or coming out or whatever, but it really does the job.  For reference, it holds about as much as a super tampon.  I know that means something different for everybody depending on how heavy the flow is, but that’s what I compare it to.

When you’re ready to change it, you wash your hands first and then sort of bear down a little bit or give it a tug and for the love of God BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO SPILL IT ON YOUR WHITE PANTS and then dump it in the potty.  You wash it with soap and water if that’s possible (but you don’t have to wash it every time) shove it back up there and move on with your life. It’s not associated with Toxic Shock and you can wear it up to 12 hours at a time. It has to be sterilized every month by boiling it, and that’s that.

There’s no more embarrassment when the hot young college guy behind you in line at Target catches a glimpse of your box of Superflow Tampons and/or gargantuan period diapers.  I admit to feeling a little bit smug every time I walk past the tampon department at the store because I’m above all that now.  In fact, my friend The Rabbi who is my latest convert, feels the same way.  And then we giggled and gave each other the secret Diva Cup Club handshake because we’re so much cooler than everyone. The Diva Cup even comes with a free pin so you can identify fellow Awesome People like you.  Gotta represent!

Most people, including me, just wash the blood down the drain. The Rabbi’s crunchy granola friend actually saves the blood in a mason jar and dumps it in her vegetable garden as fertilizer. I’m not sure I’m going to go that far with it.  Talk about a marinara sauce!  I just couldn’t look people in the eye when I share with them my summer’s bounty knowing that my tomatoes are so red and juicy because I dumped blood on them.  Also, what do you do with it in the winter?  Do you freeze it and just have freakin’ blood bank happening or what?

I’m all for being “green” and environmentally responsible and I like to reduce, reuse, recycle as much as possible,  but that’s just fucking gross.  My hippie-ness only extends so far and then I have to draw the line.

Now, I have to warn new initiates.  It’s a disaster at first and you might even hate your Diva Cup.

First of all, you’re going to spend some time reading the instructions and trying to understand what the hell they’re talking about.  You’ll be folding it and mashing it and flexing it and inserting it and twisting it and turning it.  I’d actually lube up and give it a whirl before “P Day” because you don’t want to be fiddling with this thing with blood running down your elbow and splashing all over the place.

Once you have it in and you figure out where it’s supposed to be, you don’t feel it at all–if you’ve done it correctly.  You’ll know when it’s in right, but it’s a learning process. Also part of the process is learning to trust it and knowing when you have to run to the potty to dump it out.  Even though I can leave it in for quite a while, even on the heaviest day, mine always leaks a little bit and I have to use a panty liner with it, but I suspect it’s because I’m a small and delicate flower and that I really do need the smaller size, the “Model A: for the fine china.”  Or, maybe I’m just not doing it correctly or my anatomy sucks.

The first time I used it, I must have checked the thing every hour or so.  I shoved my hand up there and fished around and twisted and turned the thing so much that by the end of it, I was sore as hell and felt like a porn star after a 15 dude gang bang.  I don’t mind telling you I was walking a little funny for a bit. Or that I know what a 15 guy gang bang feels like.

And holy shit the mess.  You will have a bloody disaster on your hands, literally.  At first, I did a lot of Lady Macbeth style hand washing and went through rolls of toilet paper trying desperately to eradicate the rather disturbing sight.  I had to clean the toilet seat and the floor every time I took it out.  It was horrible and messy and I was ready to give up–I’m not going to lie to you–but eventually, I got the hang of it and learned how not to create a gory mess the likes of which would give Rob Zombie a raging boner.

Basically you need to be really comfortable with your fluids.  If the sight of blood makes you feel a little ooshie and weak in the knees, don’t use the Diva Cup.  You’ll be horrified to see what actually comes out of you and you’ll probably pass out with the thing in your hand and spill it all over the place and that is how they’ll find you.   Additionally, there’s a veritable rainbow of colors you produce depending on where you are in your cycle, and it you don’t want to know, don’t go there my friend.  My sister-in-law bought one (GILBERTS IN THE HIZ-OUSE!) and used it only once. She couldn’t deal with the sight of it, the big sissy.

Overall, despite my difficulties with it in the beginning, I really like the Diva Cup. I love that I don’t have to carry tampons and have to try to hide the evidence in the bottom of trash cans when I go to friend’s houses. I love that I don’t have to buy chemically treated products every month and I love that I don’t contribute to the landfill. I love that I can put it in and forget it for hours and hours and not worry that I’m getting toxic shock. I really feel like it has made having my period easier. I get mine every ten fucking days. I know what I’m talking about, people: I’m a expert period-getter.

Here, watch this video. It’s a thesis film by Vanessa Tolkin Meyer and it’s very cool.

The End.

PS: Have any of you Toy with Mes tried a Diva Cup or something like it? Are you fertilizing your gardens with the contents, because I’m so not coming to dinner for spaghetti night. If you haven’t tried it, would you consider it or do you think it’s the nastiest thing ever? Testify, people!

Photo source

Post from: Toy With Me

Lets Talk About Our Periods, OK?

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If any of you lady Toy with Mes are like me, you have struggled with your libido from time to time. Having babies, dealing with the pressures of careers, family life, medical problems, financial issues, relationship woes, menopause, open genital sores, what have you, can make your libido go bye-bye thereby creating even more stress in an already fucked existence.

Don’t tell me it’s never happened.

And sometimes you just wish there was a pill to magically transform you from Frigid Farrah into Henrietta Humpsalot. After all, they have a magic pill for men, so why can’t the ladies have one too? It’s only fair!!

I myself have been praying for such a miracle drug to be approved for women but guess what? Fuck me in the ass with a big rubber dick because it ain’t gonna happen.

Nope.

We’re on our own for now girls, but after thinking about it a little, I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. Check it:

Whilst perusing The New York Times the other day because I’m very smart and always on top of current events, I read that the German drug maker Boehringer Ingelheim announced last week that they are stopping their work on a pill to treat low libido in women, aka “female viagra” or “pink viagra.”

The drug containing a chemical called flibanserin–which was originally intended as an antidepressant, and was thought to perhaps help menopausal women suffering from what is referred to as “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” (or the broader term “female sexual dysfunction”)–went through clinical trials and was submitted to the FDA for approval, but was rejected because it has not been proven to increase the level of female sexual desire.

Although they could not prove that the pill could increase desire, it did seem to increase the number of what they call “sexually satisfying events.” The events, which didn’t necessarily include the big O, were more frequent in women who took the drug as compared to women who took a placebo or nothing at all. So, I guess all it did was make Sexy Time more fun and/or rewarding, but didn’t make people actually want it.

If that’s the case, then the shit was no good anyway–at least for me. My problem has always been getting the engine started. Once that happens, she be purrin’ like a kitten if you know what I’m saying. “Hard starts” are notoriously difficult to troubleshoot, according to my husband. It’s a frequency thing, not a quality thing with me.

But don’t cry tears of woe just yet, my horny-wannabes.

The fact that one German company dropped the ball isn’t that horrible of a thing because there are two other companies who are currently testing out testosterone-based products instead of the flibanserin one. While this seems like great news at first, it scares me a little bit because while the side effects from the flibanserin based drug included dizziness, nausea, and fatigue which would have been no big whoop for me since I feel those things all the time anyway, what might the side effects of a testosterone based pill be?

Would it turn me into a dude? Would I grow…(GASP!) MY OWN COCK N’ BALLS???

Oh nos! While I rather enjoy a nice cock n’ balls, I don’t want one of my own, you know, hanging on me. Plus, I know from my own experience with taking birth control pills that messing with hormones is bad news bears. They turn me into a fat, bloated, psycho-bitch from hell. I don’t need to turn into a hairy, raging dick from hell. That would cause more problems in my house than it would solve, I think. Who wants to be horny, breaking out in pimples, and unapproachably aggressive?

Speaking of big deals, this whole “pink viagra” thing has been controversial anyway as it raises some important questions about what constitutes “normal” desire in women.

Who is to say, really, what that is? Aren’t we all wired just a little bit differently from one another? Some people burn 3,000 calories a day just sitting there (my husband for example), and others have metabolisms like lizards outside on a chilly morning. Some folks are just born to be taller than others, and some with less body hair. Why should we expect sex drives to fall into a narrow range of values? How do you even measure libido?

Not only that, but everyone has a different set of life circumstances that may be affecting their libidos. I think it’s impossible to account for that. I have a lot of crap going on in my life and most of the time it’s really hard to shut that off and focus on bodily pleasures. I really don’t think that’s dysfunctional–I think it’s part of being a woman living in 2010.

Also, I wonder if drug companies are just trying to profit from so called “female sexual dysfunction?” Male impotence/erectile dysfunction is a multi-billion dollar industry. Tapping into what seems to be just as pervasive a problem (if not more) means double the profits if they can jump on the bandwagon. Side effects be damned!

I’m just throwing this out there. I’m not a doctor or a psychiatrist and I’ve never been through menopause or suffered from a serious illness. I’m just a lady who sometimes is so, so, so not interested in Sexy Time and I don’t know why or how to fix it and it causes me anxiety and I’d do anything to change it.

Since I already know how I am with hormonal drugs, I don’t think I want to take a testosterone pill. Plus, according to an endocrinologist, I don’t need one.  However I absolutely think they should keep working on it as an option for people who DO want to give it a whirl, or for whom the indications promise a better fit.  There are many women out there with legitimate hormonal imbalances that get tested, before and after drug therapy, and show a definite improvement in quality of life, so having additional options is never a bad thing.

So I’m going to open all of this up to all you Toy with Mes. How do you feel about “female sexual dysfunction?” Do you think it’s a medical problem, a life problem, or is it just a way for drug companies to make money on us by preying on our insecurities when we’re really just variations on a spectrum of “normal” levels of desire? How do you know when someone has an honest-to-god issue that deserves medical attention?

Post from: Toy With Me

Would You Take A Pill To Increase Your Libido?

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This post today is really mostly a public service announcement brought to you by my mother who rather insisted that I write about hygiene. She was just like, “I think people need hygiene lessons. I want you to teach them about basic hygiene through your blogging and you need to go into great detail because they need to know how to be clean.”

Apparently, my mother thinks you guys are dirty.

Just kidding.

The whole thing got started when she got all fired up about it the other day when I was at her house. I said the word “fishcunt” because that’s how we roll in my family.  Actually, truth be told, it was used while describing how I was going to tell off the first grader who gave my kid trouble on the bus.  (In the end, we never told her off, so don’t worry. My classy daughter decided to try and make friends with her instead. I don’t know where she gets it.)

Suddenly, in the midst of MY story, my dear mother interrupted me and started telling a story of her own.  Apparently, as soon as I mentioned the word “fishcunt,” she was immediately reminded of my brother’s (recently ex-) girlfriend. He broke up with her after dating for about a year and I was disappointed to hear it because she was pretty and smart just like me, but she had hygiene issues not like me at all, and while he managed to get her to wash her hair, shave her pits, and clean under her fingernails, he could not get her to de-funk her crotchal area.  I guess I could have seen this coming–a few months ago, he asked me what the best way to tell a girl she needs to “scrub her beaver” would be. I covered my ears and sang the National Anthem because I did not want to have that conversation with my brother and then I sent him to my husband for advice. The poor kid didn’t want to hurt ol’ fishcunt’s feelings and was looking for a nice way to say it, but the fact was he didn’t want to go down on her because she was stinky and smelly.

I gotta tell you–I find the whole “fishcunt” thing ironic as I believe she was a Marine Biologist. So to me, it seems completely appropriate that she would have a fishcunt. It’s almost exactly like how being a chef puts you at greater risk for being chubby. I think he’s being fussy. The poor girl’s fishcunt is just an occupational hazard!

My mom’s heart is in a good place here you guys and she really wants to help people have better lives though crotchal cleanliness and deodorization.  She’s a social worker and as such, she comes into contact with The Great Unwashed on a daily basis.  She’s always shocked and dismayed at how many people don’t know anything about brushing their teeth or washing their funky asses.  Some of her clients even think babies come out of their belly buttons and are pretty shocked when they go into labor and the baby does not emerge, alien style, from the center of their stomachs.  I shit you not.  So there are people out there, you undoubtedly incredulous Toy with Mes, that don’t know how to have clean private parts or even that there is a need for such things.  Even some Marine Biologists don’t know, apparently.

Without further ado, here is my mom’s advice for a clean and lovely-smelling vagina:

• Drink plenty of water!  It cleans you from the inside out and makes your pee-pee more watery.  Smelly, concentrated, pungent pee means you’re dehydrated and it can totally make it seem like your twidget is funky, too.  You can also try cranberry juice if water bores you.  The cranberry will also help prevent urinary tract infections.
• Don’t eat crap food because you are what you eat! If you eat fish tacos day in and day out, delicious as they may be, you’re going to have a fish taco.  Eating a variety of healthy foods that are low in sugar (because germs love sugar) can make your fur burger happy.  Try to get some acidophilus into you by eating yogurt or taking a supplement.
• Don’t be such a cum dumpster! Sperm is highly alkaline, and so when introduced to your vajeen, it needs to work extra hard to restore it’s naturally acidic status.  This is particularly a problem if you’ve got loads and loads of different kinds of sperm going in and out of there like the metro, so if you’re sleeping around and you don’t use condoms, you’re gonna smell like the dirty girl you are.  Don’t act surprised.  Consider it yet another argument for safe sex.  Or swallowing.
• Wear cotton panties.  I know the lacy ones are so pretty and they have their place in your lingerie wardrobe, but for every day underpanties, choose cotton so your kitty can breathe.  Or no undies, you naughty thing, you.
• Do not douche.  It fucks with everything up in there by killing the healthy germs called lactobacilli.  You want them because they protect you from bad guys who make your monkey funky.  Your cave of a thousand wonders is perfectly capable of regulating its own chemistry–IF YOU LEAVE IT ALONE.   How or why the douche industry is still in business is beyond me.
• Scrub your crotchals every day.  Even if you don’t have time for a real shower, take a second to do do a whore’s bath and mop off the tits, pits, twidget and ass.  Get in the labial folds and crevices.  Do your job and make sure the yogurt and cheese is dislodged and swept away.

I’m not even going to go into why my brother would tell my mother about his girlfriend’s fishcunt because that’s a whole ‘nuther topic for another time (maybe next week, even). Anyway, this has been a public service announcement on behalf of my mother:

Please wash your netherbelows or my brother will have to break up with you. The end.

Are we happy now, mom?

Photo source

Post from: Toy With Me

My Mom, My Brother, And The Fishcunt

For someone who lives in the Internet and writes a sex column, it’s pretty rare that someone actually asks me anything sex-related. Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City must have ruined that for any future sex columnists. Bitch.

But, Toy With Me-ers, I was actually asked something that I was specifically asked to bring to you and discuss! I pretty much peed all over myself when a friend of mine gave me permission to take a conversation we’d had onto my column, because normally people are all, ‘YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BLOG THIS, ARE YOU, AUNT BECKY?’ like I’m some useless jerk who only hangs out with my friends so that I can rifle through their brain cavity and steal their stories. Which is pretty much the truth, but let’s keep this between us, shall we?

Her Man Has Low Sex Drive
My friend mentioned that she’d been having some trouble in the bedroom with her husband. Not, perhaps, like you’d expect, with Mr. Happy performing, but because her husband wasn’t as interested in The Sex as she was. This was very troubling to my friend, who had always thought that men were supposed to be these virile creatures, chomping at the bit to have The Sex with Their Women anytime they could. When she was met with the “not tonight, honey,” from her husband, she was, at first, taken aback. When it happened again, she was hurt. When it continued to happen, she was baffled and more than a little bewildered. Was he having an affair? Why wouldn’t her husband have The Sex?

I did a little Dr. Googling for her, and it turns out that according to WebMD as many as one in five men reported having such low sexual desire that they would rather do almost anything else besides have sex. That’s one-fifth of all men! Men with low sex drive are one of the dirty secrets in America, according to another article.

Not All Men Are Horny Sex Creatures
Thanks to the stigma of the man as a potent sex god, what man wants to come forward and admit that hey, you know what? Sometimes, I’m just not in the mood. And that’s okay! Women, too, didn’t want to admit that they were being denied sex by their husbands for fear that it really had something to do with them. That being repeatedly turned away from sex meant that they were unattractive, ugly and really, the problem was not with their partner having a low sex drive, but something to do with them. And with a society that promotes men as such a horny creature, how could women like, my friend, not see it this way? My friend was constantly worried that she was bad in bed, that he was having an affair or worse, that he might be gay. She had no issue with gay men, of course, unless she was married to one. Talk about a slap in the face.

Maybe Men Actually Do Have Feelings
As a former nurse (stop shuddering, Toy With Me-ers, I no longer hang bags of vodka instead of bags of ringers lactate), I knew some of the reasons for a low sex drive in men were physical. The anti-depressant medications, like Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro and Zoloft, were a huge culprit in decreasing libido, as are some of the drugs taken to reduce chronic high blood pressure. Some of the other reasons are exhaustion, which, of course, was one of those stereotypical excuses women used, but my friend and I admitted was true. If we were tired, it was pretty hard to want to get in the mood. Stress is another libido-killer, although, I always found the endorphin rush to be the perfect stress BUSTER, but we all know that I am perhaps not the judge for normalcy for anything. The most surprising thing I found that probably shouldn’t have surprised me at all was this: one of the reasons men don’t want to have The Sex with their partners is because they are angry with them. The same reason that women often don’t want to have The Sex with their men. Hm. So maybe men have feelings too, ladies.

The first issue with dealing with a low-libido is this: realizing that there is no “national average” or “normal” for men. Once you get rid of that notion that men are sex-crazed bulls who will hump anything in a skirt that walks near them, you’re dealing with a real person who has real emotions, real desires and real turn-ons. Assuming a man will want to have The Sex simply because it’s offered isn’t always fair. Certainly, there are men like that, but there are women like that, too.

Figure It Out
Then, you must get to the root of the underlying cause for the low sex drive, if, like in the case with my good friend, it’s something that’s causing discord in your relationship. If sex isn’t a focus in your relationship for either of you, well then, there’s no issue. If the underlying cause is related to something hormonal or biological, like medication, talk to your doctor. If your male partner is refusing sex because he is angry with you, perhaps it’s time to speak with a marriage counselor. Or, at the very least, spend some quality time talking about your relationship in a non-threatening way. Accusing your partner of not wanting to have sex because (insert reason here) may only drive the wedge in further.

And after those issues have been treated, or if it’s none of those things, and your male partner is simply one of those people who just isn’t very interested in sex, and well, you are, perhaps he needs to look at it from a different angle. Perhaps your partner needs to think of sex as giving a gift to you. It’s something he can do for you, even if it’s not something that is as exciting for him. Like anything else in a relationship, it’s all about give and take, right? And who knows. Maybe once he’s actually in the middle of it, he’ll actually start to enjoy it.

Sex is an integral part of a relationship for many people and problems in the bedroom can certainly lead to all kinds of problems in every other part of the relationship. It’s one of those things that must be addressed before something more drastic than some hurt feelings happens. And in the end, it doesn’t matter how much sex anyone else is having, so long as what you and your partner has is good enough for you both.

So, my friend, I wish you luck, and I’m glad you gave me a chance to talk about this. I only hope that you’ll still take my calls. What are your experiences with this, Toy With Me-ers? What advice can you give my friend about this incredibly tough situation?

Photo source

Post from: Toy With Me

Low Sex Drive In Men

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When I first heard about this, I wanted to throw up. Actually, I still want to throw up. I also want to become some kind of an activist or something, but I probably won’t do that either because I’m kinda lazy.

A company in Switzerland has introduced a new kind of condom. It’s called The Hotshot and it’s extra-small (1.7 inches in diameter as opposed to 2 inches for regular ones, and 7.4 inches in length) because it’s designed for 12-14 year-old-boys.

Close your mouth.

Does this kind of horrify you? Maybe it’s because I have condom issues, but I am horrified that there is a need for this at all. As a mother, I just don’t like to think about kids that young having sex, but this condom was developed in response to a recent study done by The Center for Development and Personality Psychology at Basel University in Switzerland that showed young teens engaging in unprotected sex resulting (duh) in conception, thus prompting several family planning organizations to campaign for it’s production.

So now there are kid-sized condoms.

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO, TOY WITH MES?

My god how things have changed in 24 years only a few short years.  When I was that young,  I was still playing with Barbies (actually, I still do play with Barbies, but you know, I’m weird like that).  Sure, my  Barbies had some raunchy encounters, but you know.  That was Barbie sex.  I remember sitting in a tree house at my friend Katie’s and giggling and swearing up and down that we would never have sex with boys because we don’t want them to pee on us. That’s what we thought. We thought sex was kissing and then the boy peed on you.  We used to make up new lyrics to songs on the radio about boys peeing on girls.

Shut up.

We were 12!!!

That’s what 12- year-olds should be doing.

I stayed in the dark about sex until Freshman year of high school, or thereabouts. While I stopped thinking boys actually peed on you, I was really fuzzy on how exactly it all went down. My mom probably would have told me if I had asked her, but I was too mortified to bring it up to her, so Katie and I kept on theorizing and giggling and sneaking her older brother’s college anatomy books up to that tree house. I mean, we didn’t even know any sex words beyond penis and vagina, let alone having a clue what to do with them. My very first locker in Jr. High had “I wish every girl in the school would swallow my cum” written on the inside of the door, and I remember thinking “what an idiot! He spelled GUM wrong. SHEESH!” Once the sun came over the mountain a couple of years later and I learned what cum was, I felt pretty stupid for having shown the kid with the locker next to mine how some moron didn’t know how to spell GUM. No wonder he looked at me like I was clueless.

But don’t worry about poor wee little Crissy. Ninth grade Health class with Mr. Murgo cleared up my confusion. He looked and spoke exactly like Ferris Bueller’s Economics teacher, btw.

Anyone? Anyone?

Try watching that dude put a condom on a banana and not lose your shit, I dare you.

Thank goodness for ol’ Mr. Murgo, hilarious as he was, because he took care of all that naivety, but even though I knew what to do with the penis and the vagina and the cum, I still wasn’t ready to put it into practice! This is why I am so horrified. These are such different times and it makes me so sad that CHILDREN! are having sex.

But don’t take my horror at the mini condoms as disapproval, Toy with Mes. If there is a need for them, then they should make them available. I hope they ship a few of those bad boys over here to the states, too. I’m sure our statistics on young teens having sex are quite similar, if not even more shocking than Europe’s, but remember how I mentioned that I’m lazy? Yeah. I wont’ be going to check the facts on that one, but you know what I’m saying.  Most people know a young teen mom or dad, don’t they? That’s why this condom development is a positive one if you ask me. The only thing more horrifying than kids having sex, is kids having STDs or abortions or even worse, babies who will no doubt be abused or neglected unless there’s some serious intervention and support.  That’s not to say that teen parents are bad people, they’re just immature people, and that’s a recipe for disaster.

I’m almost 36 and I’m barely mature enough to handle parenthood (but then again, I still play with Barbies, so maybe that’s just me).  I couldn’t even keep a goldfish alive when I was in college.

So there you have my opinion on the kid-sized condoms.  They’re horrifyingly necessary.  I’m sure you all have something to say about this, so go to it Toy with Mes. Tell me how old you were when you lost your virginity, and if you think that was a good idea.  Was your 12 year-old-self mature enough to have sex and use protection? Is there a better solution to the problem of kids having sex?

Post from: Toy With Me

Condoms For Kids – How Young Is Too Young?

“What are you writing?” My brother – in – law, who has recently moved in with us for a spell while he gets his feet back under him asks me as I type away and pull out chunks of hair.

“The folks at ToyWithMe asked me to do an article on depression. Since I live with depression, I was super excited, but now I don’t really know what to write!” I look at the blank screen where I’ve deleted about six somewhat decent starts.

“Ugh! Talk about how you end up with zero sex drive on your meds. Talk about how you never feel good or bad, just kinda hazy. Talk about how people go off their meds all the time, just to feel something!”

He made a compelling argument.

I have hereditary depression; that means that it runs in my family, and usually hits around the age of twenty – four. My husband and his brother both have anxiety disorders, which were acquired through… well, that’s a whole different article. The point is, we, like many people on the internet and the two million folks living in America with some sort of depression – related disorder, know the ups and downs of medications. Worse, we know the ups and downs of sex on meds.

Orgasms? Damn Near Impossible

Unlike other members of my family, I have managed to deal with my depression through Cognitive – Behavioral Therapy, diet, exercise, and a fucking fantastic support system. My case is manageable, but it wasn’t always. When my husband and I first met, I was well and goodly set on my Zoloft and Clonazepam prescriptions. He was very understanding, but we soon learned that those “sexual side effects” were no damn joke. I’d never had an overly difficult time having an orgasm before, but now it was near impossible. Things would start to chafe before I even got close to cumming. And even that was a victory, because for the most part, I had the worst time just getting wet. We should have bought stock in KY for the amount of lube we used in that first year! I’m surprised I didn’t receive a “Thank You” card from those people!

A Difficult Time

But you’re torn when you’re on your medications and your partner isn’t, because while you could give or take sex, they may really want it. It was very difficult on us, because while he wanted that “new – girlfriend” sex, I was ok just hanging out or going for walks. I was attracted to him, but no matter what he did, how good he was, what positions we tried, or what new kinks he suggested: Nothing. Happened.

If you have depression and you’ve ever been on medications, I’m guessing it’s the same for you. Maybe not, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones, in which case I kinda hate you a little. Just kidding. Sorta.

Sacrifice For The Greater Good

So how did we solve the issue? I wish I could tell you that we found some magical position that negated the meds for a couple of hours, just long enough for some good hanky – panky time, but didn’t have an adverse impact on my general mood. But the fact of the matter is that I didn’t have a good orgasm until after I stopped taking my pills. I have friends who have stopped taking their medications specifically for that reason, and I absolutely do NOT encourage that. If you have depression, are bi – polar, or Schizophrenic, do not stop taking your meds because you think you have to please your partner sexually. Do not stop taking your meds because you are sexually frustrated. Loads of us have been there, and if your partner doesn’t understand your needs, then you’re with the wrong person. Point – blank. If you miss those really good orgasms, join the club. Sometimes you have to make a few small sacrifices for a greater good.

Being Patient

My then – boyfriend and I solved the issue by being patient. I understood that to him denying sex was like refusing love (no, I realize this is not the same for all men, just for my future – husband), and he understood that there was only so far my body would take me at that point. We renegotiated things when I finally worked my way off of Zoloft, and our sex life changed significantly. I won’t say that there will never be a time in the future when I may have to go back onto medication, but for now my partner and I know that we can handle that possibility.

An Understanding Partner Is Key

I know there are a lot of people out there on the interwebs who live with depression and other mood disorders. I personally know how both depression and the meds can impact your sex life, and the resulting frustration both you and your partner can feel. If I could say anything, it would be that there is nothing more important than an understanding partner. Your sex life will have its ups and downs, and maybe you’ll be on and off your meds, there really is no way to know. But more important than anything is getting that support structure in place, surrounding yourself with people who love you, and working the physical details out later.

My brother – in – law peers over the computer screen at the article, “Did you talk about how much it sucks to jerk off until your arm hurts?”

Uhh… No. But I will now!

How have you dealt with your medications, and their impact on your romantic life?

Post from: Toy With Me

Depression And Sex – What Happened To My Libido?

Possibly related goodness:

1. Would You Take A Pill To Increase Your Libido?

If you have had a baby, it is quite possible that you are concerned with more than just the tightness of your abs since giving birth. Let’s just say that your other set of lips may not be as resilient as you would like them to be, and after pushing a 6-10 pound screamer out of your love kitty, you might just notice a difference in the amount of sensation and, let’s just say “tightness” (or lack thereof) during sex once you have gotten the go-ahead to resume sexual relations with your partner.

Although your partner may be worried that it will be like “throwing a hot dog down a hallway;” in reality, most women do not notice much of a difference in the tightness of their vagina after giving birth nor do their partners notice that anything has been stretched out or malformed. But for a certain percentage of moms, sex just doesn’t feel the same after the miracle of childbirth, and this could be due to a loosening of the pelvic floor muscles-you know, the ones you used to push that slimy ball of joy out of your uterus. Is it really all that surprising that things might not bounce right back to where they were before the blessed event

Perhaps you aren’t able to orgasm as easily because there is not enough friction, or your partner feels like the fit isn’t quite as tight as it used to be. Maybe, even maybe, you are experiencing urinal incontinence and discomfort, something you thought would disappear once the oven roaster stuffer wasn’t pressing on your bladder anymore. In these cases, there are very simple exercises that can help get your vagina back into tip-top shape. You may have heard of them-they are called KEGELS and they are really easy and painless (and may be priceless for your sex life, and your ability to hold your pee, in the long run).

Now, most women will recognize Kegels already from learning from their midwife or obstetrician that doing Kegels would strengthen the muscles that assist in childbirth. Turns out that those same muscles also determine how tightly your partner fits in your “love glove,” so it only makes sense that these exercises would also serve a sexual purpose as well, right? Right. So here is how it works:

The pelvic floor muscles support the uterus, bladder and bowel, as well as provide the necessary friction during sex to create stimulation. When these muscles become lax due to childbirth, being overweight, a chronic cough, or aging, certain undesirable symptoms can occur-such as urine or bowel incontinence (can you say EW?), inability to reach orgasm (double EW), or a lack of friction on your partner’s member during sex, thus decreasing the amount of pleasure during lovemaking sessions for both of you. Kegel exercises involve contracting the vaginal muscles on a regular basis to tone them (just like crunches tone your abs) so that they are more elastic, tighter and stronger. This will lead to a decreased likelihood of those nasty side effects, and perhaps a better (and more orgasmic) sex life. RAWR!

So you think you are ready to transform your loose, flaccid cooter into a tight, wet love muscle? First and foremost, you have to isolate the muscles you need to contract. To contract your pelvic floor muscles, try stopping the flow of your urine while you are on the toilet-those muscles that you use are exactly what you need to contract to do your Kegels. Or, put your finger up inside your vagina and try to squeeze against your finger. There you have it. You may feel like you can’t contract very hard, but the more you do so and strengthen them, the more pronounced each contraction will be. Then you are ready to jam out with your clam out, just like before that baby pushed itself into this world and changed the topography down south.

Once you have determined where exactly you are supposed to be focusing, you can begin your Kegel routine. First of all, empty your bladder before beginning, because contracting the muscles with a full bladder can actually end up weakening them. Sit or lie down and concentrate on contracting the pelvic floor muscles, holding the contraction for three seconds, and then release for three seconds. Do this 10 times in a row. Once you feel comfortable with the three-second contraction routine, move up to four, then five, all the way up to holding the contraction for 10 seconds. Be sure you are ONLY tightening the pelvic floor muscles and not your abs, thighs or bum-this will isolate the correct muscles to provide the proper amount of contraction to get them nice and toned. Also, remember to breathe and don’t hold your breath. Relax the rest of your body and focus on those muscles around your vagina and rectum-those are the ones that will make the difference!

For the best results, perform three sets of 10 Kegels per day, getting yourself into a routine so you remember every day. Try doing them while making the coffee every morning or walking the dog. Maybe you want to make it a point to do them while checking your morning e-mail at work. Don’t worry, nobody will be able to tell what you are doing; Kegels are VERY discreet. You can also try mixing things up a bit by varying how you do your Kegels. Instead of holding each contraction for a long period of time, try contracting and releasing very quickly for 20 seconds, then rest and repeat. Or start contracting lightly and each time you contract, contract harder until you are contracting as hard as you can, then work your way back down. All these variations will work your pelvic floor muscles in different ways to get the ultimate results and get your hoo-ha taut and tight in no time.

So what do you do if you try and try and just can’t seem to contract ANYTHING down there? Some women have a hard time contracting the proper muscles for Kegels, occasionally because the muscles have become so weak that they don’t contract very easily. In this case, pulling out the good ‘ole toy box can be a great way to get more acquainted with the area, while stimulating yourself at the same time. Try using a non-vibrating dildo, such as the NJoy Pure Wand or something similarly designed. Put the wand inside your vagina and notice which muscles are hugging the toy. Try to squeeze against the dildo and when you bring the balls at the end in and out, notice where it feels tighter as it enters and exits. This will pinpoint the muscles you need to contract to do your Kegels.

If you start doing your Kegels today, and do them religiously every day, you should notice a difference in your “loose lips” within six to 12 weeks, maybe even sooner. Every woman (and her vagina) is different, so results may vary, and they may be dramatic (a significant increase in sensation or ability to orgasm during sex) or subtle (more like throwing a big Polish sausage down a hallway instead of a hotdog). But the more you do them in the long term, the more you (and your partner) will benefit from the orgasmic results.

AND you won’t be investing in adult diapers anytime soon. There’s always that too.

Post from: Toy With Me

Loose Lips Sink Ships – Tighten Up That Vagina