Their cumulative awesomeness will have you forwarding a link to this article to all your besties.

First up we have a lovely new douching product called Waterworks that my good friend Dingo called to my attention.  It’s not so much that it’s a new kind of douche bag that makes this awesome, it’s the marketing that I love.  I thought everyone knew douching is bad for your kitty and you shouldn’t do it, but  this product claims that since it shoots plain shower water up your hey-nanny-nanny, it does not  disturb the delicate Ph of the vajeen because  it’s ALL NATURAL WATER.

Can I ask you something Toy with Mes?

When you walk into a room, do people shudder and hold their breath because your monkey is funky? VAGINAL ODOR RUINS LIVES,  you know, but with the Waterworks douche bag, you never need worry again!  Just read the testimonials!

I love Dingo because she’s always trying to help me find ways to fix a funky twidget.  She sent me this next one, too…

Move over Vajazzling, here comes Twattoo! There’s a spa in New York City that is now offering what is called a bikini ink treatment, aptly nicknamed, “twattooing.”   It’s an airbrushed image that lasts a little under a week, and this confuses me because I bet it’s expensive as a motherfucker.  Why would I go and pay for someone to airbrush Jesus’s face (that’s totally what I’d get you know, because that way my husband could contemplate The Lord while worshiping at the altar.  Talk about a cum to Jesus meeting! HA!) on my crotchals when I can just grab one of my daughter’s My Little Pony, or no, wait!  HELLO KITTY temporary tattoos?

The answer is, I wouldn’t.  Don’t be silly.

I just got an awesome idea though, you guys.  BlogHer is in NYC this year, is it not?  Maybe that spa that does the twattooing can offer all the gals going to BlogHer a little ink for the pink! Maybe they can even design a special BlogHer twattoo!  Call me, BlogHer peeps!  I’ve got some designs all sketched out!  You’re def  gonna wanna give me a free ticket after you see them.  Consider it my volunteer service performed.

This next one is from a facebook friend of mine.  Apparently, this S-E-X T-O-Y thing is not new. They’re not really sure what this thing is, but it sure as hell looks like a stoneage dildo carved out of antler bone.   Apparently even the stone agers were chronic masturbators just like US!  Some things don’t change, you guys–there’s your proof right there.  I wonder if LELO made that one?  Talk about a boner.

Oh and have we heard of  Camelflage yet?  It’s “The Original Privacy Undergarment” and it prevents people from seeing your bulging lady junk through your tight pants.  I’ve sort of already had a solution to this problem for years though– I try to wear pants that fit properly.  But if you like to wear tight pants and you’re sporting a big ol’ camel toe, then these are the panties for you, my friend!

And I’ve saved the best for last!  Another facebook friend alerted me to this next thing–quite possibly the most entertaining article I’ve read in a really, really, long time.  Craigslist has yet again proven to be a blog fodder goldmine and this time it brings us “straight” dudes looking for a J.O. bro!  That’s right, folks: there are guys out there who insist they’re STRAIGHT but advertise in the m4m section on Craigslist for a jerk-off buddy.   Jerking off can be lonely business, and so just like some guys like to play poker once a week or go golfing with their buds, some dudes want to share their jerk off hobby with a pal.  Where else  but Craigslist would you go to find such a compadre?   Nowhere.  You guys have to go read this buzzfeed article. It will make your day, I promise.  Just remember these guys are NOT GAY and make sure you bring your favorite barbecue sauce recipe, wear your crystal necklace, and be prepared for a profound spiritual act of hetero awesomeness. That will all make sense to you in a minute.  I’m gonna go back and read it again myself.

So now that my inbox has been thoroughly cleaned of all it’s random bits of lols and roflmaos and pmsls, feel free to send me more OR!  You can share your random awesome sex news in the space provided below.  OR! You can react in shock/horror/excitement to what you have learned today.

Photo source

Post from: Toy With Me

Random Awesome Stuff In My Inbox

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Can I ask you something, Toy with Mes?

How common is it to have a one night stand?

I ask because I’ve never actually had one in the traditional sense where you 1) go out to a bar, 2) pick up a guy, 3) fuck him, and then 4) never see him again.

Never.

Of course, I’m speaking about the past here, because I’m an old married lady now, but even in my wild, swingin’ single days before I met my pimp, I just didn’t have what I call “casual sex” because I have never been able to separate sex and love. I’m not the kind of lady who wakes up and says “Damn, I need to get me some. My vagina is HONGRY! I’m hittin’ the bars tonight, honey!”

Oh my god, I would never (clutches her pearls, gasps in horror at the thought)!

You must know it’s not that I’m a big ol’ Prudence McPrude or anything like that–this is Crissy you’re talking to here, don’t forget. I’m not judging all-a-y’all who have no trouble goin’ out and gettin’ some. The fact is, I’ve never been able to do it. I guess I need to feel like there’s some sort of future in the relationship before I give up the punani.

I have had sex on the first date, but that’s because I really liked the boy and I wanted him to love me. That’s how you get boys to love you, right? Give them Sexy Time right away on the first date?

What, and it’s not?

Well that’s what I thought when I was just a young little dating Crissy and of course, it almost always blew up in my face (ha!) when the guy either 1) never called me again, or 2) I’d wind up being a booty call (back in the days before we had a cute name for it) which of course I mistook as a sign that the boy really liked me since he kept calling. I guess I was kinda like a “one night stand” in the first case, but the difference is that I didn’t intend to be. I didn’t set off with that destination in mind, nor did I start off the night single. I thought I had a boyfriend.

I’m embarrassed at how naive I was in my young dating years. If I’d had a clue, it would have saved me a lot of pain and confusion and my Asshole Guy Detector would have been a little better at detecting creeps instead of falsely leading me to believe that I had just met My One True Soul Mate.

Stupid broken useless detector. Now that I’m married, I can spot an Asshole Guy from miles away.

And what’s with booty calls anyway? How can you repeatedly be fucking someone and not have feelings for them? How can you not develop feelings for them? Even if you didn’t start off emotionally attached, it seems to me that it’s human nature to start drifting that way. Is that why these booty calls sometimes end badly? When I was unknowingly a “callee” I sure as hell had feelings for my gentleman friends. They just didn’t give a rat’s ass about me or my poor little tender Crissy heart.

The fuckbuddy, in my mind, is another term for the booty call. Both entail an on-demand, mutually agreed-upon, no strings attached (aka “NSA,” as my research has revealed) physical relationship. No dates, no cuddling, no drama–get in, get out, see you later. Unlike the one night stand, a repeat encounter is likely, at least as long as everyone gets their jollies and is pleased with the performance. (BTW, the term “one night stand” was originally used in the context of a theatrical production that was only to be performed a single time.)

Some of my friends (admittedly all guys) are frequent, unabashed partakers of prostitutes and I gotta tell you: I have trouble wrapping my head around that too.  It’s such an intimate act, and they sort of equate it to a visit to the dentist. Or the plumber, to “clean out the pipes.” From what I pick up, in their worlds, sex is just a physical need and once it’s satisfied, that’s the end of it. All visceral. All bodily. Neither mental nor spiritual nor emotional.

I have nothing against prostitutes; I believe that criminalizing prostitution is a mistake. I mean, it’s just a series of one night stands/booty calls but you end up with a fat roll of twenties. That’s actually pretty cool, and at least your heart doesn’t get broken in the process. The terms are pretty clear up front. I can see how THEY can detach and not develop romantic feelings–they’re pros. This is work. Gotta pay the bills, you know how it is.

But the Johns?

What about if they’ve developed a penchant for a particular prostitute (Hello! Pretty Woman!)? I’m sure that not all Ladies of the Evening are created equal, so what happens if they’re sporting a massive boner and it’s their favorite girl’s night off? Will they be disappointed? Will they pick a different prostitute? Will they fly solo for the night? Are prostitute visitors loyal customers?

Is it like how chicks are with their hairdressers?

Loyalty and jealousy must be factors in the booty call too. Say you’re some kind of player, with the cell phone contact list chock full of potential and willing candidates. You undoubtedly have favorites there, too. Some fucks are ALWAYS gonna be hotter than others, right? If your #1 is busy, perhaps with another fuck buddy, do you feel jealous? So then you end up calling #2 on the list. Is that like cheating on #1? Do you tell #1, in the hopes of making THEM jealous? Do booty callers and callees EVER get jealous, or is that verboten in the rulebook?

Finally there’s the “Friend With Benefits.” Is this person REALLY a friend? Like, you see them and you DON’T have your hands in their pants within 30 seconds, and you chat on the phone, and you know each other? Is it just another term for a booty call/fuckbuddy, or are there subtle differences?

I know you savvy Toy with Mes can help me understand the ins and outs of casual sex. So, go! Educate Crissy in the space provided below.

Post from: Toy With Me

Fuck Buddies & Booty Calls

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I was at work a few weeks ago when my husband called to share a few porn titles with me. Not only does he consume an inordinate amount of porn, but we have a need for such things sometimes, and can I just tell you that porn titles are awesome for lifting the spirits? Seriously, who doesn’t laugh when they see a title like My Secretary Is a Secret Transsexual or Fillet of Booty?

Nobody doesn’t laugh, that’s who. Even my mom would laugh, probably. (Hi mom! He forces me! I’d rather be watching The 700 Club, I swear!).

And then he came across Midget Mania #2:Wild! Crazy!

and I was all “WHATWHAT?” I don’t know why I was so surprised by it because of course midgets are people too, right? (That’s not the PC term is it? What is it? Little People? Lilliputians? Shorties? I’m never sure, so I’m just going to go on being offensive. After all, we’re talking about porn here. I’m not sure the PC rules apply.) Anyway, they get their freaks on just like everybody else, I imagined, but the very idea of it was really, very funny and of course I HAD TO see it because DUH! That’s all sorts of fan-freakin-tastic right there.

I mean, are little people penises the same size as tall people penises?

I NEED TO KNOW!

Well, let me tell you—Midget Mania 2 satisfied my hunger for good comedy and schooled me in the ways of little people penii. It was wondrous in its bizarre glory and one of my favorite scenes featured two escaped male prisoner midgets dressed in prison uniforms and handcuffs. They supposedly broke into a house to hide from the police, and in that house lived a hot Latina woman who was a lettuce farmer.

Right?

But wait, it gets better.

There was some sort of silly banter and the prisoners said they haven’t touched a woman in 10 years and this turned her on so the lettuce farmer starts stripping her clothes off and the midgets (who appear to have normal size dicks, btw—and ONE of the midgets was actually kind of hot) double penetrate her on a bed of…anyone? anyone? Lettuce. And the farmer was rubbing the lettuce all over her boobs (no doubt the high point in the actress’s career) and by the end everyone had smooshed green lettuce streaks and bits all over them.

It was hilarious, but also a little bit gross because of my food and sex issues, and I will never look at a head of iceberg quite the same way again, but it was so worth it. Spinach is waaaaay better for you anyway.

As if love on a bed of lettuce wasn’t bizarre enough, the scene with the zombie midget was even better. It starts off with a confused slut (I dare you Toy with Mes to find porn that doesn’t have any “confused sluts” in it. The challenge has been thrown down! Go forth and seek it, my friends!), wandering around what looked like fairgrounds or some sort of antique car show or used car lot or junkyard or something, and she was all alone and stumbly in her porn shoes when out of nowhere, a midget zombie who wanted to fuck her brains out instead of suck her brains out started following her.

OH NOS!!!

Run confused slut! RUUUNNNNN lest you be accosted by a tiny zombie in a size 3T suit and Halloween makeup!

And in true horror movie fashion, she runs into some messy office-type building where she gets cornered by the little zombie dude, screaming and kicking all the way, until he manages to awkwardly pin her to the couch and OH! what do we have here?

Suddenly she goes from sucky actress to sucky-fucky blow job maven and then eventually there was buttsecks and she was all “fuck me with your mini-dick!” and it was just…UGH!

Fabulous.

But I think what makes this whole video stand out, for me at least, isn’t so much the little people having sex. It’s the bizarre scenarios. There’s nothing like a little ludicrous comedy in your porn. I think that makes it way better. I appreciate the imagination it takes to pull it off—mostly because I’m insane and I have a twisted sense of humor. Clearly.

I was even going to do a Barbie pictorial of the midget porn for you, but I didn’t think it was appropriate to recreate any of it in front of my four-year-old. Imagine that coming out at Preschool!

Oy.

Anywho, while searching for bizarre/funny porn, my husband found a couple of new ones for me and I’m pretty excited about them. One of them is a human curling video where they lube up a couple of Japanese chicks and hurl them down the curling court or whatever it’s called. Points are awarded for accuracy. Bonus if she lands on (around?) a dildo! But the one I’m most excited about is Kung Fu Girls 2. I’ve always wanted to take Kung Fu lessons and this might just be the inspiration I need. It features an Evil Ninja Queen who has returned from outer space and plans to take over the planet with the help of an army of ninja zombies (who could very possibly be more awesome than midget zombies) and giant green space creatures on her side. Only the Kung-Fu Girls, led by their new master Yu Suk Wang, (Hahahhahahaha) can stop her evil plans. They heroically do the sucky-fucky with all their holes to save the Universe!

You can’t fit more awesome into a porn movie. You just can’t! I’ll let you know how that one is after I’ve seen it.

But I’m going to need more suggestions after that Toy with Mes. Tell me about your bizarre porn experiences, or make up your own ridiculous porn scenarios, or tell me you’ve never seen porn before (and then tell me what exactly is wrong with you)—just talk to me people!

Talk to me about The Porn.

Post from: Toy With Me

The Weirdest Porn I’ve Ever Loved

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HNT Courtesy of Molls (via Eat The Cake NYC)

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #5? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

♦ This Week’s Top Three Posts ♦

Interrogation - I looked up at him, feigning cluelessness. “I know you can understand me. So I ask you again. Where are the lenses?” Another strike. I crumpled into the bench.

Reconciling the Identities of Feminist & Butch Top - There’s something supposedly anti-feminist about wanting to dominate. There’s something in the feminist rhetoric which says we are all equal especially in bed, so that means I-do-you-you-do-me….

Fire and Ice – The rain comes down harder around us, the freez­ing drop pelt­ing what­ever skin lies exposed over the sur­face of the water.

◊ e[lust] Editress ◊

By the Twinkling Lights… - His lips found my nipples and I forgot about the cold. If a car were to drive by and the passengers were to look past the twinkling lights on the tree, they would have seen a naked woman’s rear end pressed against the glass wall..

♦ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ♦

Ronjazz: Late Night Rendezvous - Meet me in the parking lot at the post with the broken lamp. 10PM sharp! Do not be late! Stand facing the post, eyes closed. Wear a flimsy dress and heels – nothing else!

See also: Pleasurists #58 and #59 for all your sex toy review needs

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

Adoration
Diary Of A Pissed Off Wife
Happy Halloween
Heartbreak hotel
Heat
Lips…Tongue…Taste
Marathon Sex
Not Always, But Often: Part 1
Our (Sorta) Intro to BDSM
Rising above the Background
Sex at 2am
The Babysitter
The Chair
The Beginning?
The Pleasure Chest
The Slut Chronicles #10 ~ The Interview
The Walk
Today’s Specials: Orgasms, Wet Panties, and Margaritas
Twinkling Heat
We are glass
What I Want

Kink & Fetish

Amber’s New Dungeon
Awesome Body Mod Night
Co-Hypno-Topping
Day of Debauchery
Go Ask Teresa: Mothers
Helpless
Jack was a Picky Eater
Kissing Noises
My very first experience of BDSM
Mouth
Play Piercing? Seriously? Why?!?
Sounds and Catheters
The Taking of M

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Aftercare, Part I: The Basics
Ask The Negress: Privacy & Perversion.
Boundaries…
Do Slaves Deserve Love?
Gyne-Vestiphobia: Fear of Women’s Clothing
Let There Be Love
On My Experience With Sex Toys
Riding The Crimson Wave – Having Sex On Your Period
The Gangbang as Social Commentary
Titty Fucking
TPE (Total Power Exchange): A Novice’s Perspective
Weekend Fun

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

December 17th
God rest ye, merry cuckold!
You’ve Got To Be Nuts

Post from: Toy With Me

Elust Blog Roundup

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♦ This Week’s Top Three Posts ♦

The Heart of Darkness - “I swear that man can sense my fear like a hound scenting a rabbit, and just like the hound, his blood rises to it.”

Forever… – “Forever is a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s not a magic spell.“

His First Fuck - “He stood there, obviously nervous, obviously aroused by what he had been witness to seconds earlier.”

◊ e[lust] Editress ◊

I Dare You - “Aided by our clutches of printed papers, me hiding my nipples that could cut glass and him hiding the hard bulge in his dress pants, we scurried back to our cubes where the messages flew back and forth.”

♦ Featured Post ♦

Who am I? – “I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life and couldn’t fit it all on one piece of poster board.”

See also: Pleasurists #55 for all your sex toy review needs

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

♦ Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships ♦

First. Confession #380
In Defense of Squirting
Forever…
Gender, Buck Angel, and Me
G Spot Orgasms: It’s all about the clitoris
Spitroast
They May be Bi, But They’re Still Boys
Why I Sometimes Fake Orgasms
Wonderland: The British in Bed

♦ Kink & Fetish ♦

The Workout (fiction)
I Am Not Clark Kent
Caning
Lips Parted
Curve
She brought her own toys
Rope Bondage: Hemp vs. Mfp
Phew! Another Hole
Hearts
My virginity and how I lost it..
Gift
Spicing it up: Bondage Materials

♦ Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor ♦

20 Questions with Cyd
This Ain’t No Disney
A Thank You Note
Vegas Virgins
Sex and Happiness

♦ Erotic Writing ♦

1 Full Body Massage / 1 Happy Ending
The Slut Chronicles #7 ~ I Said No
To Do List
the date
And Your Hands and Your Lips and Your Tongue Tricks
Oh Fuuuck
I Get Around
Sometimes, Love Hurts
In The Dark
Making Up
Quickie – A Good Girl
What I Want You To Do To Me
Hitachi Fun
Her Curves
Carnal
marks she left
Wicked Wednesday: I Love Watching You Watching Me
Birthday Boy
Fucking & Making Love
Thy Mother and Thy Father: A Vodoun Love Spell
What Just Happened?
Happy Birthday Me
What Cums Around

Post from: Toy With Me

e[lust] Blog Roundup

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