Why My Vagina Is Steaming

ID-100284493My vagina has been feeling really stressed out lately, you guys.

Maybe it’s the crush of the holiday season, maybe it’s the two periods a month it’s forced to endure, maybe it’s worried about global warming, I have no idea, but I know it’s really sad and upset and just like everybody else, it could use a little pampering.

Like, a nice steam bath perhaps.

According to a story in the L.A. Times, some Southern Californian spas are now offering a service called chai-yok—an age-old Korean practice involving sitting on a bottomless stool over  a bowl of steaming hot herbs and giving the ol’ hey-nanny-nanny a nice sauna.  It’s thought to reduce stress, fight infection, clear up hemorrhoids, fight infertility and regulate periods.

Well, sign my shit up!  I’m just dying to get rid of these roids regulate my periods and reduce stress!  I will totally go steam my clam if that’s what it takes!

It’s…beavers in the mist!

There are 14 different herbs in the pot, but mainly it’s made of wormwood and mugwort.

Mugwort has been used for ages to balance female hormones.  It is said to contain natural antibiotics and antifungal agents.  It is also supposed to stimulate the production of hormones that help maintain uterine health by preventing ulcers and tumors as well as a whole bunch of other health stuff like ease headache pain and  some other crap I’m too lazy to list.

Wormwood has been used to induce uterine contractions, treat bladder infections, fevers, sores, digestive troubles, eczema and all sorts of other annoying health issues.  I also heard it tastes like ass, but I guess if it cures your diarrhea then it’s a small price to pay.  Plus taking something that tastes like ass to cure an ass problem just seems poetic.

In this application, though, it’s not orally administered–it’s crotchally administered via vapors!  The hot steam helps circulation by bringing warmth to your twidget which stimulates circulation to the area which brings more healing, nourishing blood there.  I’m no doctor, but it’s not totally nuts to think this might work and do, well, something. When a part of my body gets hot, like when I’m sitting by a fire, or taking a hot shower, or getting spanked, it gets all red and flushed and tingly and there’s obviously a lot more blood closer to the skin.  Herbs or no herbs, this part seems totally legit.

The treatments at a spa last anywhere from 30-45 minutes and cost anywhere from $20 to $75.  I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to sit anywhere for that long, never mind squatting naked over a pot of soup at some spa while the people behind the curtain laugh at me for paying them $75 for the privilege, but maybe that’s just me.

I’m more of a do-it-yourself kind of girl and so I’d rather do my squatting in the privacy of my own home where the only ones judging me are my dog and possibly my cat but I suspect he really doesn’t give a shit what I do as long as the meow mix keeps on meowing.  I’m in luck, too because an at-home kit that’s supposedlyavailable here is at bargain at only $330!!!!  Why couldn’t I have heard about this sooner?  It totally would have made my list for Santa this year!  Knowing my depraved open-minded husband he would be VERY encouraging of an activity that consists of me squatting over a bowl with no pants on.

From what I’ve read, many women in Korea do the chai-yok after their periods on a regular basis.  It’s like a whole ritual they do.  Shit, I usually just stuff my period panties back into the far reaches of my underwear drawer and bust out my sexy toys, but you know, to each her own.  It’s a cultural thing!

Some people might look at this service being offered at fancy spas as yet another way to get women to believe that their girl parts are “dirty” and that they need to dump $75 for a good cleanse, but I don’t know.  Honestly, I think “why not?”  It can’t hurt and actually, I bet it feels pretty good and kind of soothing. If there are health benefits to it beyond that, GREAT!  People blow $75 on far stupider things that are actually BAD for your health.

When I try to envision myself doing this, though, I’m pretty sure I’d feel really stupid sitting on a pot of tea and praying those roids my period leaves me be for a while.  Still, like most things, I’d try it at least once.

If you’re a dude, you need not be jealous of us ladies!  Fellas can get their chai-yok on too!  There is an identical treatment for the taint!  I totally should have gotten a gift certificate for my dad instead of the socks with little Schnauzers on them I gave him for Christmas.  “Merry Christmas dad! Go poach your bells!”

I’ve actually heard that if a dude sits with his balls in a pot of hot water, he can render himself temporarily sterile.  I don’t know if the steaming is supposed to do anything like that for guys, but I bet it feels nice and makes their nads smell like a nice cuppa tea.   Who wouldn’t want that?

Nobody wouldn’t, that’s who.

So are you guys skeptical?  Would you ever do it?  Is this right up there with labia dye, vajazzling, or any of the other things you can do to “improve” your vajeen?  Is it just another way for a patriarchal capitalistic society to cash in on women’s insecurities about their girly parts being dirty or ugly or in need of repair?  Sound off, bitches (and bastards)!

Free Digital Photos. Photo by dream designs.



  1. What is this rumor about no more toy with me articles? Just toy reviews? Which are awesome by the way, but this is one of the most interesting collections of posts on the interynets. The guest posts are fresh and the regulars keep me coming back for more. Don't change it! Pretty please?

  2. My thoughts

    One of the contributing factors for me signing over to the same team as you girls, was the stress the vagina caused me! Emotionally… physically I can handle that. Not that I prefer to. Anyway, point is, as much as I love you girls for all your sass and mmhmm attitude, the one thing that I will never be able to understand, is the hormones and crazy times ever month. If there is actually a legit treatment which soothes your savage beast… By all means try it once. God knows I love a good bitch and dirty talk with the girls… But seriously. Sometimes it seems you girls really do just need to take a break and steam your vajeen. If it makes you a less anxiety-ridden-estrogen-loaded-crazy-woman (who I would love no matter what, but regardless am shit scared off once a month) then go for it. Wrap your do-da up and cleanse your downstairsies. Keep your vag in tip top shape so I may love you 24/7.

  3. Sarah

    Things I love – this post. I know I can count on Crissy to bring me up-to-date on the latest trends, be it vajazzeling or chai-yok.
    Things I love the sound of – chai-yok. Unfortunately now I'll never be able to enjoy the spa experience without thinking about the technicians tittering behind curtains, taking turns rolling around in all of the money they've suckered out of us.
    Crissy, you rock, and I'll miss reading your work here!

  4. Katya

    I totally want to try this. Mugwort smells funny but does AMAZING things to your skin.

    I've been to the Korean Spa (for $20 all day and for body scrubs and stuff like that) and they had a big tiled trough of mugwort for you to splash onto your skin after jacuzzi or showering. I've never seen this offered.

    I'm totally imagining the DIY versions, though. I'm thinking herbal tea like infusion into a vaporizer … or a hookah. Then it's directional steam and you can lay down in the bathtub and not worry about the whole seat-less chair thing.

  5. @AvaApollo

    This can get rid of the 'roids?! I'll take an "exotic" but facial over a suppository any day. But, really, why do the main ingredients need to be called "mugwort" and "wormwood"? My lady bits are not in need of worms nor worts. If the stuck with sure-fire words like Vajazzling I bet they could charge a lot more than $75.

  6. Piper

    The only thing that could improve my vagina would be a little male attention. This will make me consider where my chai tea's been next time I order one, however.

  7. Sounds an awful lot like a sits bath to me. Or whatever they are called……..fix yourself one in the comfort of your own bath tub. Add the herbs and voila! a treatment at home while reading toy with me on the laptop…….just don't drop it in the water.

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