Oh my gawd! Can you Toy With Mes believe it’s almost Christmas? That shit just sneaked right up on me! Holy Crap! I’m sort of in a panic because after all the cookie making and sweater buying, I’ve totally forgotten to get presents for the people on my list who are um…well, they’re perverts. You can’t believe I know any of those kinds of people, can you?
Because I’m so demure.
But it is true, nonetheless. Like, take my mother for example. Oof! She’s a superfreak!
Actually, no she’s not. She likes slippers and cookies. (Hi mom! I didn’t tell them about your in flagrante delicto fantasies about Barry Manilow. You’re welcome.)
Anyway, last year all I wanted was a Chia Pet. More specifically, I wanted a Chia Tree:
which my friend Stoogepie saw and immediately pointed out that it looked like a Christmas Butt Plug.
You see the resemblance, don’t you? He may or may not be one of those people on my list who fall into the “pervert” category.
But that Chia Tree got me thinking about all the other stuff the Cha-cha-cha-Chia! people aren’t making but probably should. Like, how about a Chia Vagina? Or a Chia Ball Sack that comes with clip and trim scissors so you can landscape your manscape?
And speaking of the manscape, what about a little something special for the dick in your life? Doesn’t it deserve to be warm and cozy every bit as much as the upper half does? We buy the upper parts a warm sweater, so why not the fancy place too? That’s why I think a hand crocheted penis cozy is the perfect gift for the dick that lives in a cold climate (Mrs. Toy With Me, Mr. Toy With Me emailed me and told me this is what he wants you to get him, he’s just feeling a little shy about asking).
I’ll never understand why more guys don’t wear these things. I bet it would reduce sperm count like a motherfucker.
Doesn’t the word crochet make you laugh?
Because it looks like crotch and you still have the sense of humor of a seventh grader.
And you know what people who crotchet are called? They’re called “crotchetiers.” Like, The Three Crotchetieers!
That’s why I don’t crotchet. I don’t want to be called a crotchetier. That, and I have no fucking patience for that shit.
Since we’re talking about hand-made gifts, if you’re the kind of person who prefers to reject the commercialism of the holiday season in favor of more personal “gifts from the heart,” I suggest you re-visit your preschool years by using an egg carton to make something Very Special. For example, instead of fashioning an egg carton snow man, you could sculpt a very nice set of boobs, or even make a butt or a cock n’ balls if you wanted! All you need is a stapler or some tape and some paint and you’re fucking golden. You could even bronze the shit out of it if you really wanted. I mean, damn. It’s your gift—make it your way. You might even be able to put some glitter on that crap and make it all kinds of motherfucking festive.
But if you’re not crafty, I won’t judge. I’m not crafty either. Everything I try to make with my hands comes out looking like I did it with my feet. That’s why I like Etsy. I’ve gotten some really wonderful things there. Do you know about Etsy? It’s the place on the Internet where you can pay other people to make stuff with their feet.
Take this exquisite Vulva Necklace, that I found on Etsy for example.
The description says that each one has a “durable polymer glaze” which makes it look wet because if you’re gonna have a pussy around your neck, you want it to look like it’s having a good time, amiright? And each one is “original never from a mold.” That’s nice because you can have a whole collection–a different pussy for every day of the week! Who doesn’t want that?
Oh my god! This is a festive, Jesus-y gift for the religious pervert on your list!
I thought I’d have some better jokes for that, but Jesus Vagina Painting kind of scares me. It’s a steal for only $320 US Dollars. I can’t believe it hasn’t sold already!
A while back, I found a person on Etsy who would turn a snapshot of your down-belows into a watercolor painting for you–all you had to do was send the picture and she’d paint it. What a wonderful gift for anyone on your list, really. I think I’d make it my Secret Santa gift for work. GUESS WHO!! I’d give you a link, but I can’t find it again. Sorry. She must be overwhelmed with orders. But, don’t worry you guys. You could probably do one yourself with your kid’s watercolors or something. Vaginas are not that hard to paint.
Don’t ask me how I know.
And of course there are the more traditional, hand made gifts, like chocolate penises or vagina lollipops. You could even make them more festive if you wanted, by using red and green chocolates, but I cannot recommend it. There’s just something super wrong about a red vagina or a green penis. I mean, right? Doesn’t seem healthy.
So yes. That’s my Holiday Gift Guide for Perverts.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some shopping to do…
P.P.S… Oh, almost forgot…. I reviewed a a vibrator and made a little video. Check it.