Cosmopolitan Can Totally Suck It

I'm On The Cover Of Cosmopolitan!When I was in my early twenties, I’d often pick up a Cosmo when I was at the grocery store because I always enjoyed their True Confessions section where people would describe farting while their lovers went down on them or similarly humiliating experiences. Come to think of it, this was kind of the theme of my first blog because there’s nothing not awesome about experiencing such mortification. Especially when you can laugh your ass off without having to be all “Bwahahaha! I mean, OH NO!” Like you would have to if it were your friend or something.

I’d read the rest of the magazine, too, because it cost me four well-earned dollars (I was a waitress, and let me tell you, I worked hard for my money) and sometimes I found the articles worthwhile, especially the dating advice and celebrity gossip, but mostly, it irritated me. I wanted to like it, you see, because it was a magazine designed for my age bracket, but it managed to annoy me more than anything else. The magazine seemed to be the same stories repackaged with different covers every month, which made me wonder if they simply switched articles around every 18 or so months.

How To Please Your Man

But the magazine confused me, because while it was supposed to be a magazine written for women, really, it all appeared to be about how to please your man. While I was always always happy to learn new and exciting ways to titillate and thrill my man in the bedroom, I felt like at least SOME of the magazine should have been devoted to how to better please MYSELF in the bedroom as well. You know, how better to have an orgasm, maybe a frank discussion of how some women don’t achieve orgasm from penetration alone, and some tips on how to make the Big O last longer. That’s what I wanted to learn more about.

A Drop Kick To The Weenier

After I started dating my future husband, The Daver, I realized that most of the articles that I’d poured over when I was younger that translated what “he was really thinking” were kind of bullshit. Because most of the guys that I know weren’t that backhanded about how they felt. All of their secret guy decoder articles really didn’t mean much of anything. I mean do I really need an article about what his “kisses really mean?” Or maybe “what he thinks when he walks into a room?” Truthfully, I could care less if he thinks my gigantic bag of cotton balls or my love of pink stuff or Hello Kitty paraphernalia is annoying, because I think his habit of leaving his socks around the house is worthy of a drop kick to the weenier.

I was A Size Six, Not A Size “Zero”

The beauty articles I mostly skimmed over because even while I was the target age for the magazine, I was also (for awhile) a single mother with a special needs kid at home who went to nursing school full time and worked as a waitress 3-5 nights a week. I studied in between dropping off plates of food, so it’s pretty safe to say that I didn’t have a whole lot of time to devote to blowing out my hair into the perfect bob every morning before I blearily made my way to the hospital for clinicals. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, it’s that I simply didn’t have it in me. So rather than give me pointers, it just made me feel kind of bad about myself. Plus the models were all a size zero and I was a size 6 with a flabby waistline and stretchmarks and they made me feel ugly. Really, why bother with that?

The beauty articles were also laden with ads for the products they were clearly being paid to promote, which always annoyed me because they usually cost a trillion and a half dollars. I’d bought a couple of them only to find that they didn’t even work the way the magazine promised they would. Which, I mean, let the buyer beware, right?

Maxim. Cosmo For Dudes?

Most of my male friends subscribed to men’s magazines, like Maxim, which, like Cosmo and other women’s magazines, featured hot chicks on the cover. The first time that I picked one of those up, I held out hope that it was kind of like Cosmo for dudes, because that’s how they’d described it to me. Maybe in those pages, it would give some tips to guys about how to please their ladies and be a better boyfriend, because Cosmo was always all about how to be a better girlfriend and not nag lest you get under his skin (assumably by painting your bedroom too bright a pink)(I am not kidding). Eagerly, I opened the pages, and while I enjoyed myself thoroughly, I didn’t see a single article about being a better lover, boyfriend, husband, or man. The articles were far more interesting, and I subscribed immediately, but it didn’t seem to be the male answer to Cosmo. I was a saddened. If women needed to learn to be better lovers, so did men. Lord knows I’ve bedded some men who could have used some pointers.

Some Of The Best Sex I’ve Ever Had has Been With Myself

Cosmo clearly needs to get with the times and become more balanced in it’s reporting. It could use a bit more focus on how we women can please ourselves and a little less focus on how we need to please our man. Because you know what? Some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been with myself. Not every woman wants a man and not every women DATES men. And any magazine that suggests that you need to change who you are or what you like in order to date someone else is clearly sending the wrong kind of message. Until they get their act together, I’ll skim the True Confessions and get my giggles at the expense of others. Because who doesn’t love a good story about being busted while having sex in a church? (answer: people with taste)

How do you feel about beauty magazines?



  1. ghoulia

    Cosmo taught me 1 really useful thing that I've kept with me for the last 20 years, and thought of just the other day: 'If he tells you you're too good for him, or he doesn't deserve you, he knows what he's talking about, and you should listen! And leave.' That, and that hunger pangs only last for 20 minutes.
    All the rest is crap, as has been stated previously.

  2. g

    I quit buying Cosmo about 20 years ago, when one fateful day in the supermarket checkout line, I was reading 10 tips to lose 10 lbs… and one of them was to eat dog biscuits for a few days. ummm yeah…

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