What If We Had A First Date Rule?

The three date ruleYou know the three date rule?

I know you know the three date rule. It even has its own Wikipedia page.

The Three Date Rule is a dating rule of thumb which states that the third date is a milestone in determining whether a woman will consent to physical relations. This is not to be confused with the Three Day Rule cited in the movie Swingers, which states that the “industry standard” waiting period for a guy to call a girl after obtaining her phone number is 3 days, the purpose of which is to not appear desperate.

Sidenote: if you wait three days to call me, this is what will happen by the time you do call:

a) I assume you’re not interested in me and therefore, alas, possess below-average decision-making skills.
b) I am already sleeping with someone else. That guy called right away.

I digress.

The three date rule is a cliché, and it is not even true. That same Wikipedia page says that msn.match.com conducted a survey (so gawd, like, it must be true) asking: how long does it take you to be intimate?

(I wish we didn’t use the word “intimate” as code for having sex. Intimate and getting nekkid can be two different things. Ideally they are entertwined but *heavy sigh* not always.)

(I also don’t like the phrase “make love.” If you are a man who wants to sleep with me and you call it “making love”, please trust and believe it will never happen. Instead, I prefer the economical and multipurpose – it can be a noun, verb, adjective and even punctuation – “fuck”. BEST WORD EVAH.)

Circling back to my point. Survey says y’all are knocking boots

  • On the first date: 12.74%
  • On the second date: 24.94%
  • On the third date: 21.48%
  • On the fourth date or beyond: 34.18%
  • Only after marriage: 6.66%

So the third date rule is obeyed by only 21% of us.

Like you, if I got 21% on a test, I’d be pretty upset. That’s not a great score, especially when we’re talking about scoring.

But in this case, I think that is awesome. Because I think the third date rule is ridiculous.

We should all be having sex on the first date.

Think about it. What if sex on the first date was the rule?

  • You’d get really picky about who you decide to go out with. No more wasting time on pity dates or I’m bored dates or don’t really wanna be here but hey, you’re buying dinner dates. The bar would be set high.
  • Sex is a great icebreaker. It is hard to posture and bluff and pretend when you’re naked. (Unless you’re in porn, and let’s be honest: no one in porn is pretending all that well, either.)
  • All the torturous does he/doesn’t he/or does he just want the booty that goes on for three or four weeks? Eliminated.
  • You screen the sexist guys out. Guys with fucked up attitudes to women and sexuality – you know, the ones who lose respect for you if you put out but unfortunately you get attached to them before you figure that out? You get rid of them right away. No muss, no fuss.
  • If he doesn’t call? Perfect. Better now than a month from now when you actually care.
  • You get to try before you buy. This is important. Haven’t you ever dated someone for a couple of months, started liking them, and then discovered – horrors! – that the two of you are completely sexually incompatible?

I haven’t. Wanna know why?

Maybe I have a first date rule. But don’t tell anyone.

Toy With Me About Toy With Me


  1. CortGirl says:

    My husband and I fucked a few hours after we’d met for the first time. We’d known each other for a while (about 2 months) having met online, so there had been plenty of phone calls, emails and chats in between. He offered to help me move into my new place and halfway through the day *WHAM* it was unbelievable! Five years later, things are still pretty awesome :-)

  2. i fucked my wife BEFORE the first date. in fact we hadn’t even met yet.

    i’m that good. 😉

  3. Julie Roads says:

    Brilliant. Brilliant. And brilliant. I’m recently divorced and agree wholeheartedly. I don’t have time to screw around – and good sex is a must before I would consider a relationship.

    Also – You are an amazing writer. Just so we’re clear.

  4. I think sex on the first date is a natural reaction, that is drowned out by social norms that have really screwed up with Darwin’s natural selection. Instead, women are conditioned to evaluate men on the basis of what they have/earn, play mind games, and many settle for the better provider ‘on paper’, to end up with an alpha male that keels over and dies from stress or depression, but what about the rest? I’m interested to know how many women divorced their husbands after the global financial crisis.

  5. i’m so with you on fuck! the phrase make love makes me gag. could you imagine “make love to me hard, baby” “make love to me silly” “make love my brains out” wtml!

    and we pretty much know if we wanna fuck someone’s brains out on the first date, so why wait. maybe till the second if you get off on a little anticipation.

  6. Excellent points! I love this post. :)

  7. I had sex with my husband within hours of meeting him in person. Regardless of the fact that we had been chatting online for awhile before that, it was still much quicker than a younger me would have thought possible. (Waited until I was 23 to have sex, whatever that might tell you.) Best choice I have made, jumping in. Happily married, fully sated sexually. 😉

  8. I have to say I’m a little disappointed at the absolute absence of offers. Not one person has asked me out. I just publicly proclaimed my easiness…and nothing. Alas.
    @Shannon – I think that says “passion”. We dismiss it as lust or butterflies but sometimes new connection runs deeper than we think.
    @TC – I know a whole lot of married couples who started out as a one night stand. Good sex is the heartbeat of a relationship, and when you’ve got that, AND you like the person and want to hear what they have to say and look forward to breakfast…well now you’ve got something. The everydayness of love is hot.
    @thedevilyousay – honey, I dismissed “intimate”, too. Feminists are fierce. mwah.
    @WickedShawn – WELL SAID.
    @Sam – I like it. Of course.

  9. When I was single, I didn’t have a rule… and my time frame was longer than any listed in the MSN poll. But the interesting thing is… the guy I made wait for the least amount of time is the one I ended up marrying. I wonder what that implies.

    I love the point made here: “What if sex on the first date was the rule? You’d get really picky about who you decide to go out with. No more wasting time on pity dates or I’m bored dates or don’t really wanna be here but hey, you’re buying dinner dates. The bar would be set high.”

    The bar should be high and we should be picky no matter what our rule is, the concept of the first just gives us a reason to. Fabulous points made Kelly!

  10. Cheers to the First Date Rule! Hilarious post. :-)

  11. Hehe deep dick by the fire…beats “Hey baby wanna go balls deep.”

    In H.S. I had sex with a guy who was not my boyfriend at the time. I was actually dating someone else. So I went negative on the first date rule. Ended up marrying him & we’ve been married for 10 years. The sex rocks more now then ever.

  12. I am a big fan of the phrase ‘deep dicking’ to describe the act of sex.

    “I need a deep dicking bad.”
    “I really deep dicked that girl last night.”
    “Hey Sweety, lets you and me stay in tonight, have dinner, watch a movie and later on we’ll deep dick by the fire.”

  13. I think “stuffs your twat” would be a better phrase than “intimate”. (oops, read your profile, “feminist” let’s go back to “intimate” ;-D )

    I think it’s funny that 6.66% is the saving for marriage %. Waiting that long would be hell. ;-D

  14. Brilliantly written! Everything your saying is so true.

  15. I once heard a story that said in America it is the women who hold the power to say no to sex but (at least during World War II) in England it is the men who are responsible for saying ‘Hey we’re going too fast’. This apparently led to some interesting times during WWII when American service men stationed in England were putting the moves on British gals. I don’t know how true it is however.

    Despite being a guy myself, I’ve always held out a bit longer. Maybe it was the age I was at when I was dating but back then I wanted the first time to be special and when I say ‘first time’ I mean with a given individual. The very first girl I had sex with, I waited 7 months… and yes, I was the one who waited. I think its really all about what you’re comfortable with.

  16. @BlowJoy – Nothing wrong with enjoying the best of both worlds 😉
    @The Mercurial Wife – I love a determined girl. Now go find your own rock & quit hogging mine.
    @Danielle – Nicely put – “Life is too short for bad sex.”

  17. Yeah, so totally been with a guy I fucked the first night we went out, have been for a long time. The sex was good then, is phenomenal now. Any guy who is so prehistoric that he insists on banging his ho’s on the weekends but expects to marry a good little girl who won’t sleep with him until they have been in the relationship for a while deserves the marital sex he will get. 😉

  18. The first date is a bit too soon for me, but I think it is certainly important before you get too involved. Why do you want to waste time on a relationship, if the sex is no good? Life is too short for bad sex.

  19. I must be living under a rock because I’ve never heard of the three -date rule! I’m so ashamed. Anyhow I don’t like waiting. Having sex is the only way for me to determine if he’s going to be worth my while or not.

    When I just met my husband I had to pretend to be interested in action movies or same movies as he, to get me ‘a piece of sex’! I used to make him tea so I get an excuse to be in his room. ;p

    So ya first-date rule FTW!

  20. When I was dating, I’d keep two groups of guys… There were guys who I was seriously considering for a boyfriend and I wouldn’t sleep with because I do think there’s something to be said about waiting a bit. Make them court you, see if there’s a real connection, build up emotions and all that. You know, old school courtship. And then there were guys who I’d fuck right away because, what? Me go without sex while I’m being courted by Maybe Mr. Right? HAHHAH HAHHAH AHA you’re dumb!

    So I had my Guys for Dating and I had my Guys for Fucking and it worked out really well for me.

    It should be noted that I ended up totally dating one of those Guys for Fucking. We’ve happily been together for over a year, so I guess it goes you never can tell. Welp.