Dear Redhead, It Tastes Really Gross

This is totally meI overheard the most ridiculous thing in the gym yesterday morning. Granted, I didn’t really overhear it per se, but rather I had no choice but to pay attention to the conversation since I could hear it over my iPod and the whirring of the elliptical machine. Two dainty college co-eds were chatting about the “boy trouble” that plagues the twenty-something set and one was particularly perturbed.

I mean, I went down on him for, like half an hour! He’s gotta call me after that, right?”

In an effort to be a supportive gal pal, her friend immediately chimed in with:

Oh, totally. He’s a total jerkoff if he doesn’t.”

While I was tempted to correct the Supportive Friend and say said guy’s not really a jerkoff since your friend’s 30-minute hummer did the trick, I opted for a moment of silence.

Ladies (and ladies who like ladies) and men who like the cock:

Providing sexual favors does not entitle you to a phone call, text message or top five on someone’s MySpace. It just makes you a Giver. A good rule of thumb in life is to never give with the expectation of receiving anything back. As a matter of fact, if you’re looking for everlasting love, it’s a good idea to keep your mouth and your legs closed for awhile. K? ‘Nuf said.

This week, we get to talk rivers and geography. Whip out your (no, not that) notepads and Gray’s Anatomy volumes – we’re digging in.

Dear Redhead~

Is there anything that can be done about precum? I think it’s gross but my boyfriend likes getting head.

Miss Priss

Dear Miss Priss~

Precum, or what is technically known as Cowper’s Fluid, is produced by the man’s prostate during a state of arousal. It’s colorless and slippery fluid. It’s also an occupational hazard for anyone who likes to have deep conversations with Captain Fantastic.

yuckWhat is your aversion to precum? Taste, texture, or merely its existence on the Planet Penis? Personally, I’ve always found it to have a somewhat sweet taste and erotic texture and a delightful…side effect…to oral relations. However, if your man’s precum is less-than-savory, you may want to accompany him to what I like to refer to as the Free Clinic (also known as the Free Clinic). If you two are in a monogamous relationship (which I hope you are if you’re having unprotected oral relations), then there’s no harm in testing for some condition that may be causing his milk to turn sour. It could be something as minor as a recommended diet change from Dr. Awesome and then you’ll be back on your way to doing your best rendition of Linda Lovelace – and without the gag reflex.

*****

Dear Redhead~

Do you have any recommendations for working with a real estate agent when looking for, ahem, adult features? Examples: sound proofing in the bedroom walls, support beams for swings, etc.?

Scout

Dear Scout~

Holy shit – this is something that I actually know something about! Alert the media! This won’t be total bullshit.

My ex-fiancé worked in the adult film industry as a director and editor. While I won’t go into the fact that I never visited him at work, I will talk about location scouting and what you can do to find places that meet your needs. Instead of a real estate agent, work with a Location Library.

Location Libraries have a roster of properties that are available for filming. The owners have already agreed to offer their residence for photo and film shoots, including adult film. When you approach the Location Library, I wouldn’t personally start off telling them you’re shooting porn. Rather, ask if there are any types of “restrictions” on the property. Restrictions can include modifications (i.e. bolting a sex swing to the ceiling) as well as the types of photo shoots and films the owners will allow to rent their property.

As for sound-proofing, I’ve heard from the sex-ex that nothing works better than (A) single-family homes with no shared walls, and (B) a crapload of those egg crate mattress pads.

Screw the real estate agent. Well, only if he/she is hawt. Use a Location Library instead. Your local film commission should have a list of them to share.

*****

Dear Redhead~

Can you confirm or deny the presence of the “male G-spot?”

Backasswards

Dear Backasswards~

Why yes, yes I can.

The “male G-spot” is actually the prostate glad itself. It reminds me of the movie “Road Trip” where Sean William Scott’s character goes in to donate sperm, hoping to trick the nurse into giving him a hand job. Instead, upon announcing he “can’t produce” without some assistance, he’s flipped over like a pancake and the nurse goes to work on his prostate with her finger like a line cook with a spatula at IHOP. Known to cause ejaculation, this is called “milking the prostate.”

Located adjacent to the front wall of the male rectum, it is possible and more widely practiced than you might think, for men to enjoy manual stimulation of the prostate (or M-spot). You can watch a…technical…YouTube video about the location of the male g-spot here. But here’s the bottom (tee-hee) line: some men like ass play and some don’t. Some prefer to be the giver via anal intercourse and wouldn’t think of being on the receiving end of his partner’s finger or other stimulating device. If it sounds interesting to any of you guys out there, communicate with your partner. While one of my favorite lines from Californication is Marcy’s “stinky pinkie” reference following a miscommunicated attempt at ass play with husband Charlie, nobody likes a back door surprise.

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10 comments

  1. Dear Redhead

    Crissy –

    While I don’t have a plant story, I do have one involving TSA and a certain carry on bag that wouldn’t stop buzzing.

    Let’s just say that vibrators are considered weapons of mass destruction and confiscated. (seriously!?!)

    Diddled to Death. Yup. It’s true.

  2. Dear Redhead

    OK, Daniel. I just snorted milk. No, not THAT kind of milk. You’re right – it shouldn’t take 30 minutes. Next time I see her at the gym, I’ll tell her!

  3. Backasswards oh the “male G-Spot” definitely exsists, no doubt about it girl. Just trust me on this one. If only more men were “open” to the idea of a little bum play. Unfortunately many men have a preconceived idea and view this as something meant only for gay men. Poor suckas they have no idea what they are missing!

  4. Kevin

    I’m not gonna ask how one meets an adult film director . . . maybe searching for “Allan Smithee” on eHarmony? Nah – the redhead don’t need no stinking messianic cult masquerading as a dating site – and F-You eHarmony for not being able to match me! (Wait, did I say that out loud?)

    Anyway . . .

    When looking for appropriate playhouses, I’ve also found a good strategy is to troll suburban neighborhoods looking for station wagons with wood paneling. If a white guy with a ‘fro and gold chains, and a woman with a halter top and bell bottoms get out of said station wagon – and both are wearing platform shoes? Pull up and say “Hey guys, you wanna do a key party?” If they are open to the idea it is likely this house will meet your kink needs.

    Just sayin’

    Kevin

  5. I actually have a really funny story about the swing. My sister-in-law put a hook in her bedroom ceiling for her swing. My nosy newsy mother-in-law looked up and asked her what the hook was for. Thinking fast, my sister-in-law said she was thinking of hanging a plant there. The next day, my mother-in-law showed up with an enormous Boston fern! Hahahahahahaha! Now my poor sister-in-law has to haul that thing down every time she wants to play on the swing. Also, it’s weird sleeping with a giant plant threatening to fall down and kill you in your sleep.

  6. Daniel

    Could it be he didn’t call back because it took a half hour for you to get the job done? Who doesn’t like a long blow, but chances are you just weren’t doing it right 😛

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