I don’t remember losing my virginity. Likely because it was borrowed and never returned while I was under the influence of copious amounts of trash can punch made with Everclear (if you’ve ever been shitfaced on Everclear, you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down). It’s 190 proof. Pure grain alcohol. It could power a Honda.
What I do remember, however, is not having any desire to have sex for the next two years. Not because I was scarred, traumatized or anything of the sort. It was a combination of two things:
I wasn’t interested and there weren’t any candidates.
Why? I was a nerd. 
Yes, those are huge glasses with a violet tint to the lenses. And that’s a motherfucking TROPHY. I was a competitive geek, more interested in grades than dick. This held true until the summer before my senior year of high school when I met Shawn.
Shawn was 19 – an older boy! We started dating and everything was pretty sweet. We listened to music, talked about music, kissed and held hands. And you betcha – we also had sex. We turned up the music in his room and with his mom and dipshit little wiener dog James (who always pissed on me when I came over) in the next room, we’d do it.
And then one day, Shawn looks up at me with a look on his face like I just kicked his pee-factory dog.
“The condom broke.”
Four weeks later, I had an abortion at age 17.
Moving On
To friends and family who might read this week’s column – yeah. That’s what I was doing when I was running out of Mr. Stanford’s history class the beginning of senior year. Puking. I have no regrets, no shame about how things turned out. At age 37, I love my life, my friends, family and all who grace me each day – I would have none of what I love so much had the sliding door slid another way. Wish it never happened? No.
What I wish is that someone had sat my punk ass down and talked to me about The Pill.
Y’see, kids do stupid shit. From the day our mothers kick us out of the womb to the day we die, we’re going to do stupid shit. Repeatedly. And a large proportion of the stupid shit we do occurs during adolescence. That’s why I’ve got an issue with abstinence-only sex education.
In my eyes, it’s like fucking for virginity and bombing for peace. Largely a product of the conservative Christian community, sex is often a vilified act riddled with shame. My word – what if we fuck-up and…fuck? Well, it’s hellfire and eternal damnation, as who’s going to want someone who’s not a virgin?
<raises hand – ME! ME! But I digress…>
This past week, I caught wind of this gem of a “study” that purports that “abstinence works.” Well, tickle my ass and call me Susan. Of COURSE abstinence works.
If I lock myself in the house all day long, it’s (pretty much) impossible to be hit by a car.
Honestly, I’m not impressed. We’ll get back to the “study” of 662 “young girls” in a moment. Grab a chai – we’re going to dish for a bit.
Let’s start with the surprising knowledge that abstinence-only programs only came of age in 1999-2000 in the U.S. 1996’s Welfare Reform Act earmarked $50 million in funds to be used for the purpose of teaching “abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school-age children.”
Kabam. There you have it.
Then, Gee-dubyah came along and said to hell with separation of church and state and initiated CBAE grants (Community Based Abstinence Education). Now, not only could states tap that awesome pool of WRA funds, but community organizations (including religious ones) could access CBAE money. Praise Jesus – pass the chastity belt. Newsweek offers this interesting tidbit:
“During the Bush administration, funding for abstinence education more than doubled, from $80 million in 2001 to $200 million in 2007, according to figures from the Congressional Budget Office.”
Newsweek also offers the following information:
“In 2007, a federally funded study of four abstinence programs found its students no more likely to abstain than those in a comprehensive program. At the same time, comprehensive programs that discuss contraceptives and their use received better, although by no means perfect, marks. Researcher Doug Kirby’s 2008 review of 48 studies of comprehensive curriculums found that two-thirds either reduced frequency of sex or number of sexual partners. By time Obama cut Title V abstinence-education funds from his budget, 25 states had already begun rejecting the money, 16 because they didn’t agree ideologically or weren’t seeing results, the others for administrative reasons.”
Now, if you want to read more than Newsweek, you can do so here on a comprehensive article that recounts the results of multiple abstinence-only programs.
So if it doesn’t work, what’s all the bitching about the demise of abstinence-only programs about?
Where I Stand, With My Mouth Open
I’m of the school of thought that abstinence should be taught in conjunction with safe sex education. Condom use, birth control options, STD prevention…let’s go back to the premise that kids fuck up. People fuck up. A 40-year-old can catch Chlamydia just as easy as a 15-year-old. The difference? The 15-year-old needs parental consent to get thee to a clinic.
Once again, I polled the Twitterverse and my followers on Facebook: give me your views on abstinence-only education. I wanted parental perspectives, thoughts from across the nation, male, female…I got ‘em. And the most surprising thing about the reactions?
No one’s against teaching abstinence, but they all agree: it should be a part of a comprehensive sex education program. Let’s review the personal stories and the angles from which people approach this testy (giggle – I said testy…and I damn well know the entendre is “teste!”) issue:
Raised Mormon
“I grew up in a Mormon household and started dating my son’s father when I was nearly 16. We waited almost a year before we had sex. I was in love with him and emotionally/physically ready at that age. However, the guilt I felt after having sex was horrid. I remember sitting in church at 15 and them telling us we would go to…well, basically Mormon Hell if we had sex before marriage and not to masturbate. I wanted to melt into my seat at that service. My mom and dad told me the basics about sex, but of course never mentioned masturbation. I got on birth control right away but had to hide it and live in terror that my mom and dad would find it. Growing up in a household where abstinence was preached didn’t keep me from having sex. What it DID do is keep me from really enjoying sex and becoming comfortable with my sexual self for a long time. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I really understood and was comfortable with many aspects of my sexuality.”
Lisa – Colorado
Hi – I’m a Mom and the Joke’s on My Kid
My daughter is a freshman at a high school in Jeffco, forced to take a semester of phys ed. (Turns out she likes it! Joke’s on her!).
She told me all about the two-day “WAIT Training,” partly because I bombarded her with questions – I had to sign permission slips for her to look at line drawings of penises in 5th and 7th grade, so why wasn’t I told that the Abstinence Police were coming?
The more I heard, the better I felt about it. The messages seemed to be to think about what you’re doing, understand that there are some primal communication differences between girls and guys, and also understand that the culture has ways of making you believe that everybody’s doing it but you, everybody’s smoother or prettier or more popular than you and sex = instant grownup status.
Nothing about Jesus wanting you to wait, or your virginity being a beautiful gift, or any of that.
For the second day, they had to find a magazine ad with a sexual undertone. My daughter ripped out the first perfume ad she found, then came out of the bathroom waving the perfect ad, from a food magazine — the one where a guy and a girl are gazing at each other across a crowded elevator. She’s obviously smitten with the giant … tumescent … loaf of Tillamook cheese he’s holding. Vertically.
So yeah, my daughter gets it.”
Lisa the Mom – Denver area
The Dude (with kids) Speaks
Trying to prevent teenagers from having sex is like trying to stop water from flowing downhill. You can create the illusion that you have succeeded but ultimately the dam will break and the water will continue on its predetermined way. And teenagers will continue to have sex.
We got that lesson with my youngest – he was 15 he had sex with his GF (she was 14).
They planned it thoroughly, stopping by Rite Aid to buy lube and condoms then doing the deed when no one was around. When we came home we thought it was really, really weird that he was sitting quietly doing his homework, the dishes were in the sink, his bed was made and room picked up. That had never happened. A few hours later we got a call from his GF’s mother, freaking, that they had had SEX and WHAT THE HELL WERE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!?!?!
We had THE TALK with them and from that day on, our son was the model kid. Good grades, homework on time without hounding, clean room and laundry in the basket, etc. The surprise here was that from that day on, everything was on the table. We have very adult conversations about marriage, family, kids, how many, when, etc. And these are conversations we rarely have with our adult friends and never have with our older son. Wild.
Teenage sex was the best thing that ever happened to him.”
An anonymously awesome dude
I’m 27 and Think We Should Teach the Little Fuckers the Consequences
“I feel that if we did explore these topics (abstinence, STDs, birth control, etc.) in sex ed, the awareness of both the cons and pros would allow kids today to be held responsible for their choices. It’s time to take control and accept what we decide to not face. But in educating teenagers in other methods besides abstinence and not skirt around the topic of avoiding sex all together, I’m sure you will find a bigger improvement in them making a smart, responsible decision about their sexual health and we’ll begin to see the positive elements, opposed to the shocking stupidity that is common in that age.
In conclusion, sex education classes should not promote just abstinence as their sole platform in sex ed. Europeans have been, mainly the Dutch, have included safe sex methods (like putting on a condom properly, etc.) in their sex ed curriculum for years and with success. It allows options and the more options they have, the more they will begin to think about the consequences that accompany each option. Why keep promoting Utopia when there is a war going on daily around us? Offer a solution – don’t be apart of the problem. Teach the little fuckers how to put on a condom already.”
Andy-a-la-Twitter
A Perspective from a (real) 40-year-old Virgin
My problem with abstinence education is that it’s based upon fear. Fear of being rejected by god, church, or society. Fear of catching an STD. Fear of getting pregnant and altering your potential in life. A man should never be taught to be abstinent until they are married. The amount of self-confidence that is lost destroys your future worth substantially. As for women, they should be choosey and there are benefits to your health and livelihood that accompany not having sex. But everyone should be taught all the options, given the pluses and minuses and allowed to make their own decision. Taught that having sex can be enjoyable and given the information of the health benefits that go along with having an active sex life. People shouldn’t be taught that sex is bad and have fear motivate their abstinence.”
Another awesome anonymous dude
Acknowledging that the readership on ToyWithMe is of open mind, heart and oftentimes, legs and mouth, I don’t feel ashamed about my stances on the puritanical, Utopian (thank you, Andy) viewpoint of the abstinence-only crowd. What I’ve got a problem with is the religiously-fueled hype that keeps screaming that abstinence works.
Of course it works, you idiots. You can take your 662 “young girls” and rap their knuckles with a ruler for all I care. Your touting of abstinence as a panacea for the sexual woes of America’s youth is tragically misguided and blasted by the evidence I’ve cited above that clearly shows that abstinence-only programs are ineffective.
What I’ll say is this (and it’s the bottom line of this argument): we all agree that abstinence works and it’s a great component of a healthy sexual education. What we don’t agree on is what accompanies it in the curriculum. Those who say that it’s abstinence or the highway to hell are missing out on the beauty of human sexuality (and if you haven’t read Mary Roach’s BONK, you should – an astounding non-fiction read). There is more to sex than marriage. There’s more to marriage than sex. There are components of adolescent development that are glaringly absent from abstinence-only education, like the realities of the world we drive to work in each day. STDs exist. Pregnancies happen (thank heavens). Condoms break. Boys hit girls. Girls hit boys. People stalk people. How about teaching kids that it’s about loving who you are and equipping them with the tools they need to make the best decisions possible when life throws them a curveball?
Stop Blaming the System
I love kids, I want kids, I’m delighted to be with a man who has kids. Your kids are yours and they’re welcome to play with my hypothetical kids anytime on the playground. But why don’t you start being a parent and stop relying on the public school system to do your duty? Sheltering your children from sex only creates an environment of taboo and you’re going to flip your shit twice as fast as you flip the pancakes for breakfast when you find out little Amy and little Johnny got it on in your bed while you were out of town. Whatever your beliefs dictate, talk about it at home. At church. Where those conversations belong. Sex education in schools is meant to be scientific and factual – just like the day you dissect a frog in Biology class. You let the family dog run around showing its tits and dingaling for all the world to see. We are intelligent beings (well, for the most part). We get smarter as we get older (hopefully). Give your kids some credit – if they don’t hear it from you, they’ll hear it elsewhere. Wouldn’t you rather control the content?
If you want your kids to be educated along a religiously-based party line, enroll them in a private school and keep them the hell out of the classroom with the kids that are going to go on to be the scientists of tomorrow. And enjoy those religious schools while you’re at it. There was a lot of boning going on in my public high school, but I’m sure anyone who went to a religious school can tell you – there was more boning going on at theirs.
Start acting like parents and start treating teachers and administrators like the professionals they are – people trained to deliver subject-specific content to your children – instead of babysitters burdened with the deliverance of your message of the moral rights and mights of the world.
I’ll offer bonus points in this week’s comments section for dirty parochial school stories and other kickass comments about why the burden should be relieved from the teachers of America and placed on the parents.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shop for a naughty schoolgirl outfit.
About the Author
Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Pretty well everything here is exactly how I feel about drug education.
It’s kind of a no brainer, at least in Vancouver, most people know that abstinence only sex ed only leads to uneducated children who have desires they don’t understand.
Why people can’t (or choose not to) see the parallels between teaching kids abstinence only, and Nancy Reagan’s :JUST SAY NO” campaign.
Those choices are FINE. If you want to abstain, great. But not giving your kids any other info leads to exactly what happened to you.
And the lack of availability, at the time, for the morning after pill. Without which, I might be a mother of four or five, and not one.
My kids can play with your hypothetical kids any day.
Great post.
I enjoyed the comments from other people, my kids are almost 2 and almost 4, but at the rate now a days..(and their parents horny genetics) I’ll be having the talk sooner, than later, I’d imagine. I havent thought about it before, and while its still inthe distant future, I really enjoyed reading & gaining perspective on something I havent had to think about since I was a teen!
An educated & informed decision is the best decision. 100% abstinence among teens will never happen.
I have an open, honest, and straight forward relationship of absolute trust with my soon-to-be 18 year old daughter. She has freedom & liberties but also guidelines & restrictions. No subject is taboo. She knows my feelings, as well as the pros & cons on any topic she chooses to discuss with me. Hell – her Easter basket even contained condoms! I know when the time is right for her, she will make an educated decision and that gives me peace or mind.
@LindsayDianne – Good point! The same education should be applied to drugs & alcohol.
@claire – I always found staying a step or five ahead of my daughter to be of great benefit.
I too was a redheaded geek that couldn’t find anyone in highschool who wanted to have sex with me. Consequently, I married the first person who did, which maight not have been my smartest move.
6 years ago my oldest daughter brough home the Abstinence Contract from our public school. I returned it in 2 pieces, unsighned by either of us, with a note suggesting that the school should advocate responsible behavior and safe choices, rather than ignorance and shame. I then fought tooth and nail to have the zero score for a missing assignment removed from my daughter’s grade.
Last month my younger daughter brought home the Abtinence Contract. She and I wrote a Responsibility Contract, in which she and I asserted our commitment to open and honest communication, and responsible actions. That was returned, along with the shreds of the Abstinence Contract in a tidy zyploc baggy. The Superintendent tells me that every year they have to deal with a few parents ‘like me’. I take that as a compliment, and assume that ‘like me’ translates to a parent that validates their childrens feelings and respects them as people.
Abstinence only education has resulted in a country full of young adults that think that oral and anal sex doesn’t count, because neither leads to conception. STD rates among young people have skyrocketed. And parents need to get off their lazy asses and do something about it. It’s our responsibility to talk to our children, more so than the schools.
I have another , younger daughter. I’ve put the Superintendent on notice: in 4 more years, he’ll be dealing with another parent ‘like me’–he’ll be dealing with me again.
@Catherine Heck – An abstinence contract?! From school? Wow, just wow! Something I never had to deal with here in Canada. I would have followed in your footsteps if my daughter brought that contract home.
Love the pic, Erika! Article: excellent as usual.
Catherine — keep up the good fight!
I’m so happy you touched base (no pun) on the people who rely on the public schools to educate their child on sex ed. Good grief! THOSE are also the people who have no F’n idea how their child is doing in school, who they hang out with, what they like/dislike… shameful, but that mentality is rampant. Thanks Erika for a rock’n article! Loved it… passing it around.
@ Catherine – Kudos for you. I would be utterly taken aback of my son brought home such a contract, and would likely end up a parent “like you,” with some lovely, volatile wording to go along with the shredded contract.
Abstinence works – this is a duh statement. If you don’t have sex, you’re not having sex – duh.
However the Abstinence Only program is bullshit. All it leads to is confusion, shame, and poor decisions. By teaching abstinence only we are teaching that sex is taboo, it is a bad, shameful act, and should you participate before the accepted time (i.e. marriage) your a bad person. A thought process that can lead to so many problems – poor self esteem, unwanted pregnancies, STDs…
Sex is a beautiful, complex thing. One that our kids should be educated about – should be given the tools to make good, healthy decisions about – they need to know about all their options, abstinence included, but also healthy habits, protection, and dealing with the emotions that go hand in hand with sex. If you simply say Don’t Do It or Else – it’s not going to stop kids from doing it; it’s only going to make them secretive and foolish about it.
I was a teen mother. And I now have two boys – one is fastly approaching the age when I started having sex. We have had an on going open conversation about everything from suicide to drugs to sex. And one day soon there will be a box of condoms under the bathroom sink – because I am a parent and I know that they will be experimenting and having sex sooner rather than later.
I don’t want them to be scared and uniformed when they take that step. I want them to have the tools to make good, healthy, informed decisions. And I want them to know that talking about sex is okay.
Thanks, Erika, for another awesome post.
Catherine – I want to be a parent “like you” one day. I pity the blindness of the kids and parents who returned their “completed assignment” like a field trip permission slip.
Alexis – I’m lucky that I had parents involved in at least my academic education, while my sex education fell behind. Alas, I’m desperately in love with both of them as people AND parents – sometimes learning takes a generation or two to come to fruition
Claire – Glad I could spark-up some thought this morning for you and welcome!
Excellent post Erika. I’m going to share it with Zane, my 14 year old son. He squirms a lot when we talk about this subject, but the conversation is important.
Toy With Me post
I live in West Texas, where the population is predominately Catholic Hispanics and Very-Conservative Christian Whites. Trust me when I say abstinance only sex-ed was all I learned, yet we have one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country.
The first time I had sex-ed was in the 6th grade. At that point we were so embarrassed to say anything and most of the questions had more to deal with menstration and actual sex. Looking back it seems like abstinance was brought up every year till I was in 11th grade. Hellfire and damnation were definately the punishment of anyone who had sex before marraige, and not just in hell. Once you were labeled a slut at my high school it stuck. Everything I actually learned about sex came from romance novels and thankfully my also slutty older sister.
I’m almost 23, have been away to college, and lived with my boyfriend. Yet my parents still ignore any sexual situations and talks with me. In fact, the last time my mother helped me move I think she found my vibrator as it has since disappeared from the face of the planet. I truely believe parents are blind towards their kids and that they like keeping it that way. In Texas parental consent is required for anyone under 18 seeking contraceptive services in state-funded family planning programs. This just makes kids scared causing them to have risky sex.
Safe-sex education taught along with or instead of No-sex education is the way to go. Information is the best defense agaisnst pregnancy, STIs and let’s face it peer pressure. Teenagers are having sex one way or another. I know I did!
Emily – another reason I had to lie about my age in order to get the pill. Tragic. Red state = blood on their hands. Thanks for stopping by (I grew up in Texas, too).
#effing great post, Erika with a K.
When my son was 5 I told him that there are 3 things that parents never discuss with their children that I would from that moment forward discuss with complete candor: sex, death, and money. Amazing how a 5 year old just gets the importance of genuine honesty. Even more amazing is the impact of just making a statement like that to them has. Our dialogues ever since have been clear, open and informative…and not just about the 3 deadly topics…all discussions. As you’re aware, he’s turned out rather well…valedictorian, straight A’s in college, and at this writing is racing bicycles against Pro Tour riders in Oman . That’s Oman, not ‘Onan’ you cheeky monkey.
I also think that part of what drives puritanists crazy are just the words themselves. Words become so emotionally charged. We need to turn the whole lexicon of sex on it’s head because for most people who haven’t recovered from their repressed upbringings, just the word association neural links flip trigger mechanisms without them even thinking about it. They go straight to “wig out”. Were we to say ‘wankery’ in lieu of ‘masturbation studies’, perhaps some traction could be had in the broader discourse. I think it’s astounding that grown adults cannot refer to their own intimate anatomies without resorting to the almost autonomic game-saying of childish terms. Alternate naming of one’s naughty bits is fine when it’s done in the context of fun, exploration and communication. But I had a partner that couldn’t even say “my vagina”. Could. Not. Say. It. You might guess where our sexual dialogue ended.
So, bully for people like you for crashing at the gates of linguistic virginity by doing what you do.
My oldest daughter was born almost 2 months after my 18th birthday. She is now a senior in high school. I have always had open, honest, frank conversations with her about everything. Admittedly, Mack used to get embarrassed, but now she always comes to me before asking anyone else anything, she values my opinion and I hers. Her friends also will come to me, often over their own moms.
If abstinence worked, I wouldn’t be a mother to an almost 18 year old girl. Which is pretty much the conversation that we have always had at home. I do not regret having my daughter, in fact, I think without her I would have ended up in pretty bad shape, but the truth of the matter is that if I would have been put on the pill a year before when my mom suspected I “maybe was” (was) having sex, I probably wouldn’t have been an 18 year old mom.
I have said to her, I love you, I wouldn’t have done anything regarding you any different, but don’t forget those lean years we had where we lived in that crappy apartment, and you spent all that time with your grandparents, aunt and random babysitters while I worked, and we ate mac-n-cheese 3 nights a week for dinner, there is better ways to go about starting and having a family, and as your Mom, I want you to be prepared, and do better then I did. That’s the wish of most parents, I know, but it especially is my wish for my girls.
great post! well written, and i appreciate and honor your candid portion you shared about yourself.
after teaching middle school for a couple of years and catching 8th graders attempt to fuck each other on the bathroom sink during study hall, i have to say that i think abstinence only programs are entirely bullshit. quite honestly, though i never intend to teach again, should i ever find myself in a position where i am working as a teacher and a student were to come to me asking for sex ed and to talk, i would give that student condoms from the bottom drawer of my desk, where i kept the tampons for the girls who started their period and were afraid to tell their mothers.
my son, while not even 2 years old, will most definitely be educated the way that my husband and i see fit… YOU DON’T TRUST SHRINK WRAP AND YOU DON’T TRUST THE PILL… he was conceived while i was on the pill, which is reason why they say it’s only 98% effective… the other 2% IS MY SON. so, here’s my sex ed for my son… DOUBLE UP. DON’T BE AN IDIOT. BE A BABY’S DADDY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE A BABY’S DADDY AND NOT BECAUSE YOU WERE AN IDIOT AND DIDN’T DOUBLE UP.
side note: with me also being a rape survivor, both my husband and i fully intend on raising our son (and any other child/ren we have) with full knowledge of what happened to me and what can happen to others.
in my opinion, the BEST weapon parents have is awareness. we should be spreading awareness and not bullshit abstinence, thereby creating kids that unknowingly spread STDs, etc.
*stepping off soapbox*
but truly, excellent post.
It is definatly time for parents to get off their asses and talk to their kids.
My daughter is only 7 and I bring it up. Hell, she listens to the radio, so she hears about sex. Ask the questions…Do you know what they are talking about. Do you know what that means?
When they get older yes share your views with them, but also give them the tools to protect themselves if they have sex anyway.
My daughter turns 9 next month… we’ve been talking freely about sex since she was 3 (first time she asked about where babies came from).
I’m most afraid that I will catch hell from some other parent for my daughter properly informing THEIR child about birth control, and proper condom use. I’ve already discussed with my daughter that with puberty looming she was likely going to start wanting to do things with boys- and to let me know when that happened so that I could teach her to do it SAFELY. The ideal is that she waits- abstinence really IS safest, but I’m not naive enough to leave my child’s health and emotional well-being to chance.
The worst case of parental ignorance I’ve ever seen was working in as a nurse in a pediatric clinic. Mum brought her 14 year old daughter in because she was “sick and acting funny”… daughter was forced by mum to have an abortion two weeks later- while SHE was in the hospital recovering, her 16 year old sister came in for the exact same reason!!! After the first pregnancy test came back positive- the mother spent 1/2 an hour screaming at me because it wasn’t possible that her daughter was pregnant- her girls DID NOT DO such things!!! yeah… fail mom for sure! Both girls had gotten knocked up at the same party by the SAME boy!!!
Oh hell yes teach abstinence only. Why the heck not. But for Mother Mary’s sake don’t leave out the the rest of the details!!!! I have a similar story to Toy With Me and it certainly would have been different if my dear, sweet Mum hadn’t answered by sex questions with a terse, defensive write off that I was too young to be knowing that. I was the last of my friends to lose it!!! Everyone was doing it and today is just the same. Teach the truth. Period. What great comments!
While in a perfect society, abstinence would be the perfect answer, the reality is that we don’t live in perfection and I agree that a 40 year old is just as likely to catch a STD as a 15 yr old is. The slap in the face is that a 40 year old sleeping around is less likely to seek medical attention and prevent the spead of said disease, a 15 yr old kid is petrified their organs are going to melt off and who wants to go through life with a melted dick sandwich? Not me!
I have a 9 yr old daughter whom I engage regularly in discussions about love, obsession, adult behavior, consequence and so many other things, I have lost count. Point being, I engage her in those conversations, not some bible thumping 95 year old woman bitter at the world because she was shamed into her repressed sex life and wants to now take it out on all the bright shiny faces sitting before her, eager to hear the teacher say PENIS and VAGINA in the classroom. I have taken on the mantle of educating my daughter! I wish that the ideal of abstience was the only option for her, not only for the health benefits of not catching an STD or a life threatening disease like AIDS, but also to shield her from the inevitable broken heart she is such to suffer when the hormone raging boy finds another girl to put a second ring of lipstick around his dick at the party. When you are a teenager, it is more about quantity than quality. We all get that. It’s about sowing your wild oats and getting in all the batting practice you can before the real game starts and coach calls you up to hit a home run and produce offspring.
The phenomenal rate of teenage pregnancy would surely drop if we taught our children that loving themselves also means masturbation! Having a viable outlet for the pounding in your pubic area would me a much more palatable idea if we weren’t so hell bent on cutting them off at every pass when it comes to sexuality.
Am I going to march right out and buy my daugther a vibrator the minute she even inquires about masturbation, of course not! What I am going to do is sit her down and in an age appropriate way, explain to her that it takes many many many things to find pleasure in life, masturbation being one of them, along with engaging in a physical relationship in a committed and adult relationship. Will she be allowed to have sleepovers when she is 15? FUCK NO! She will be allowed to have male friends over, doors open where I can be the voice of reason to both of them. I remember rushing home after school at 16 to engage in some hot and sweaty and totally unsatisfying sex on the basement couch that smelled like moth balls. I absolutely do not want that for my daughter! I want her to be so happy and healthy with herself that she need not find self esteem in a boy or a boys penis.
We have dropped the ball when it comes to educating our children on the REALITY of choice! We have given them carte blanche to go about life, heads in the clouds and mommy and daddy will fix it all. Not so in our home. Will I be pleased if my daughter gets pregnant at 15, not in the least. Will she be living with that choice, facing those consequences each and every day? YOU BET! I refuse to educate my daugther and then mop up after her when she had all the tools at hand, including birth control, condoms, lube and BRAINS, and still didn’t take the time to use the one sex organ she should have…her BRAINS!
Thanks for talking about this issue. We all need to take a stand and rise up for our children!
Bonus points? Woot!
I had my first sexual experience when I was thirteen. We didn’t use protection, ever, at all that year, and every day when I think about that, I get scared to my bones, all over again. Eventually, my dad put me on Norplant, which was a terrible idea, and has led to a *host* of medical problems, fourteen years later. If I’d had the education to choose my own damned birth control (as well as the education that I had the *right* to choose, but that’s a whole other issue), I likely wouldn’t have to deal with some of the medical conditions I labor through now.
When I was fifteen, I had my first multiple-partner experience. With a pair of twins, in the basement of my church school. I might not have had the stereotypical schoolgirl’s uniform, but damn, I was a sluttier schoolgirl than Britney Spear’s ever hoped to be. And, sadly, I’m only sort of proud of it. I’m proud that the three of us had a good time, that we’re all still friends, and that there weren’t any serious adverse effects…but I’m absolutely ashamed of the fact that I made the choice to do that because I thought my only choices were to be chaste or a slut.
The biggest flaw I see in abstinence-only sex education is that there’s suddenly a huge number of kids who don’t just have no resources for how to use a condom, but a bunch of kids who don’t have the resources to make decisions at all, because they were never taught how. We’re so desperate to “protect” them now, and then someday we’ll die and they’ll be in charge–and they won’t have a clue. Yes, that’s a healthy, intelligent way to continue a society.
Though, I will admit, poorly thought out decision or not… that afternoon in the basement *was* a hell of a lot of fun. They’re both married now, and their wives are *very* lucky women.
Wow – thanks everyone for leaving comments and sharing your thoughts this week. I’m going to respond to each of you later this evening, but thanks for stopping by and letting us know how sex ed impacts YOUR life and those you love. I couldn’t have asked for better parents or a life path that’s led me anywhere but where I am…sexuality is, well, awesome. It’s such a shame we’re surrounded by those that vilify it senselessly.
Thanks for your wonderful comments ladies. Refreshing to know there are so many hands on parents.
The reality is that by the time kids get around to sex ed in school they’ve already been filled with (mis)information from their friends.
Unless you stop your kids from watching TV, seeing movies, looking at any ad space anywhere at anytime, they are going to get sex ed whether you like it or not.
I guess I’m a realist. My daughter is going to have sex when she gets it in her mind that she is ready (hey, she’s my daughter, what do I expect?). So, why wouldn’t I give her all the information I could to help her make an *informed* decision, rather than burying my head in the sand and pretending that there’s no such thing as teenage hormones?
First time I had Everclear was 1989. I was visiting a friend at Santa Clara University. It had been cut with grape Kook-Aid… in a bathtub. Over two decades later, I think I’m just about sobered up. Sucks. Anyway…
… neither of my parents ever spoke of sex (probably, because they weren’t having it. Make that, definitely). The last couple of years, my dad won’t stop talking about it. In fact, about this time last year, we drove through Vegas together. I pointed up to Aria, and mentioned how a friend and I had written copy for the place. His response? “How many women up there you think getting the big johnson thrown at ‘em right now?” He then went on to tell me about how the first thing a woman wants to do when she gets on a boat is take her top off.
That’s it.
Seriously, fantastic post, as always.
As always, you’re fucking brilliant. You don’t need ME to tell YOU that, though. Well thought out and all great points. My parents were frank as hell about sex, put me on The Pill, and I STILL managed to get pregnant out of wedlock by an abusive dude. The Pill failed me. It happens.
Where I live, they teach REAL Sex Ed so I don’t worry too much. My kid knows about sex (is horrified by it) and we’re going to put the birth control discussion out there again soon, I guess. He’s in 3rd grade and I guess that shit starts young. I really, really don’t want to think about it yet, but you know, it happens. Rather he hear about it from me than someone else.
First, I want to sort of defend the study he was referencing, even if he chose not to truly reference it and to spin it in a way it wasn’t published and make claims it didn’t make. The “abstinence” group (of 12 year old children, not even teens…) made lists of why they should wait to have sex. Not until marriage, just until they were ready. One write-up is here: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE61163120100202
So, technically, that study didn’t really say abstinence until marriage because God says so, that particular man is just an idiot. And lying is a sin. The Bible says so alllll over… For reals.
But other than that, I agree completely that it’s absolutely dead-on that abstinence-only (and especially for God’s sake) education is a sham. I was going to wait because God wanted me to (which, maybe He did–I’m human…oops), and then I didn’t because sex felt good. It is absolutely miraculous and by grace alone I didn’t have a baby or five or HIV or who knows what else when I left the “waiting” period and entered a completely slutty party period. It was a lot of fun… but it was a very dangerous, too. Shaming kids into making dangerous choices, putting their health and an entire society at risk is pathetic, and it doesn’t promote God or anything else good. It just endangers kids.
This is such an important piece. Thank you so, so much for writing it! And I’m impressed that you guys even were using condoms– good for you! I was lucky in that my mom put me on the pill the second I told her I wanted to have sex, and that we got fairly comprehensive sex ed at my school. But most girls are not that lucky.
Comprehensive sex ed is so freaking important, and I’m right there with you on how badly it’s needed. In coincidental timing, I have a post going up tomorrow about a different kind of consequence of a lack of education for women, but this is great.
You’ve been writing some really fantastic pieces, lately, Red, and I applaud you for it. Thank you.
Oh, and in less serious topics– I would totally rock those glasses. Today.
bravo! two of the most important things i want for my daughter are 1. her safety 2. her enjoyment of life. teaching abstinence only won’t help her make educated decisions that will protect her from having or dealing with an unwanted pregancy or against getting an STD. in all of these, the most important thing is my daughter’s safety and her knowing that she can turn to me for support. also i don’t want her to fear sexuality, fear leads to bad and impetuous decisions. sexuality is one of life’s gifts and i hope to see my daughter embrace hers safely and responsibly when she feels ready.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; conversations about sex should be an ongoing, age-appropriate dialogue. When I started asking questions about where babies came from, my mother explained it in a way that a kid could understand. As we would watch tv together, she would talk to me about why people make good choices, and poor ones. Not just about sex, but about relationships and life.
Sex isn’t dirty, wrong, or bad, and abstaining is a legitimate choice… but if, in the heat of the moment, you make ANOTHER choice, you should know what your options are. You would never walk out for a two day hike saying, “I choose to abstain from hurting myself or getting into trouble.” Nobody CHOOSES for hiccups in life to occur, but they do. You bring your knowledge, first aid kit, and whatever else you MAY need… so why is preparing for an adult sex life any different a journey than a hike through the woods?
Give kids what they need, treat them with an age-appropriate respect, and that’s all you can do. But saying, “Abstain from accidentally falling in a ravine” is insane.
Abstinence Only programs infuriate me for the two high points that you mentioned, their disregard of seperation of Church and State (spin it how you wish, the abstinence push has been and continues to be a push by church groups) and the irresponsible nature of glaringly leaving out the human beings need to have sex. Sexual urges aren’t something teens seek out. They happen. Uh, hello??!! There is a reason my teenage son is now on laundry duty, had I found one more sock and made the mistake of trying to turn it..(well, just nevermind, you get what I am saying).
Point being, sex happens, there has to be dialogue. Open, honest dialogue. I have given my children 100% honest, but age appropriate answers and started conversations with them throughout their lives.
Well fuck, where do I begin?
I am a conservative (to the umpteenth degree) and I am a Christian. I agree with nearly everything you have said. Nearly.
I have had many debates with other conservatives as to why it is *so* utterly important that sex education involves birth control options. To me, sex education should involve abstinence, birth control methods, the way the human body works, where babies come from and why dry humping and blow jobs are so fucking awesome.
I personally feel you are a monster for aborting your tiny human, but I guess what matters is that you can live with yourself and your decision. I struggled for many years and lost many pregnancies before I conceived my son, so it made me appreciate life all the more. But that’s just me and my stoopid* old opinion. (You know, assholes … opinions … everyone has one and all that shit.)
I think *any* government overspending is ridiculous (why, look at Obama’s atrocities for a good example) but if they’re going to spend money on funding abortions (oh yes, yes they do, and in my state the state medicaid plan will pay for up to 5 – FIVE. WTF?), funding birth control education, funding family planning services, etc. then of course they should be able to spend money on abstinence education because that falls under the category of sex education (at least, in my mind it does and the voices say it makes sense too).
I absolutely concur that lazy ass motherfucking parents send their kids to be raised by the public school system. I think parents need to wake the fuck up and start raising their children. Public school is not a daycare, yo.
So yeah… parents need to play an active role. Birth control access is an absolute must to help teenage pregnancy, education about STD’s/etc needs to happen to help prevent the whores from getting holesions and shit and the government spends too much anyways and you happen to support that in many other ways so I am not quite sure what your beef is there. You probably don’t want me to list every bit of pork in our spending as of late, so I will spare you the temptation to stab yourself with a fork.
Oh, and where I live, kids can obtain care on a confidential basis and obtain birth control (any and all methods), abortions, mental health counseling and alcohol/drug services. So yeah.
As for naughtiness? I totally thought I was pregnant at 16 because my boyfriend’s penis touched (did not enter but TOUCHED) my labia and then my period was 3 weeks late, I was so sick, I was tired. I told my mom before I went on a CHURCH FUCKING CAMPING TRIP. My mom, totally awesome, said we would buy a test when I got home. I wasn’t pregnant, obviously, because that would have been immaculate conception or a pretty not-fucking-funny cliche’ teen statistic. It scared me so bad that I waited to have sex until I was married. Abstinence worked for me. But I know how teen’s minds work. They are underdeveloped and can’t think far enough ahead. Semi-retarded, if you will.
So yeah I agree with you for the most part. Except about abortion because, obviously.
*Yes, that was intentionally spelled wrong.
Oh, and I forgot. I am in love with the 3 blind mice t-shirt. HAHA. That’s awesome. I was fat and had a bad (can you say JCPENNEY’s Salon?) spiral perm. I ate lunch in the classroom and the one and only time the popular girls were in there with me, I farted so loud. I had one friend and if she was out of school for whatever reason I would shit myself out of fear — what would I DO???
I also forgot to mention that I completely agree with you that preaching abstinence only takes away from the beauty of sex. I remember when my mom had the birds and bees talk with me. She said “mommies and daddies who love each other make love and it feels SO GOOOOD”. Ew. I just threw up in my mouth but the great thing was she was so open and honest.
Sex is beautiful and young people need to be educated about every aspect of it — mostly by their parents.
Good article!
OMG! (sorry to be a stalker-poster) But I just re-read my first post and it’s supposed to read you are NOT a monster. Holy shit, that sounds terrible the way I wrote it! I am staunchly pro-life but I have a fucking heart and I stand firmly by my old saying “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. No stones here, dear. No stones here.
Now I am going to bed before I inundate you any furhter with my nonsense and enrage you with my typos and incoherent randomness.
Peace out.
@Britni TheVadgeWig – hey, thanks for stopping by once again and I’m glad you’re enjoying the op-ed content! Let us know about your post on sex ed today, will ya? Would LOVE to have a read!
@pattypunker – I could not have said it better myself: “fear leads to bad and impetuous decisions.”
@InsolentBitch – Thanks for giving me a read once again. I think our dialogue is one that shows that people with differing opinions on certain views aren’t divided by a Lead Wall of Hate. You make some kickass points with regards to government spending – hell, I’m a social liberal and fiscal conservative (I don’t fit any sort of cookie-cutter political mold…dammit…no checkboxed for me). My decision was my decision – thanks for clarifying the “monster” perspective. Would the decision be different today? Most likely. Then? 17-years-old. Pee factory dog. Life. I did what I did and yes, I can live with it. I grew up in Texas, like Emily. The age of consent is 18. I had to lie about my age to obtain the abortion as well as birth control. That’s some shit, if you ask me. Which you were. So I said it. Birth control and sex education isn’t giving permission to go be a ho bag. In conjunction with parenting, it’s a guide for choices you’re going to be making until the day you die with regards to your sexuality. Who the hell wants to miss THAT conversation and journey?
As usual, nice post. I agree with you. If abstinence is going to be taught, so should responsible preventative behaviors. (And why not throw in the consequences of not using proper protection while they are at it.)
I dated guys in high school, but I managed to avoid having sex with them. I was too busy getting it on with one of the girls, who like you, Erika, was super-smart and competitive, busy with activities ranging from the gifted students competitions to choir. (Yes, even back then I liked smart girls, but she was also a Miss Teen Ohio competitor too, which didn’t hurt either.) I guess she really was, as you say, “more interested in grades than dick”. Lucky me.
And you know, I wonder if gay safe sex is ever addressed in schools, because it sure as hell wasn’t back then.
Oh, have you seen this article? It’s an oldie but a goody. I find it wrong in so many ways, I don’t even know where to begin.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2007/01/purity-balls
As the mom of a 10 year old boy, I know “The Talk” will coming up soon. I have no idea how to have this talk, or when to have it. My husband is living in the stone age in this aspect – he thinks it won’t be necessary til high school, so it will probably be up to me.
So, to those of you who have the open trusting relationship that I want with my kids – when do I start the discussion, and for God’s sake HOW?