In the past week, Pope Benedict XVI (formerly known as Cardinal Joseph Ratzenberger, Archbishop of Munich) has been blasted in the media in light of the latest priest-centric sex scandal. It’s at this time, one of the holiest weeks of the year, that those with faith are faced with what’s said to be an iconic lack of accountability.
As a fan of the underdog, I’m going to come right out and say…
I’ve decided to convert to Catholicism.
Sticky, flat wafers, be damned! I’m going to confession and getting some rosary beads. The Redhead has found her calling, as she likes getting into boys’ pants as much as this organized bastion for sin. I mean, seriously – this dude, The Pope, is a guy I want to work for. He’s a talented dude! Not only can he turn a blind eye towards indiscretions while managing the largest real estate holding organization in the world, but he’s not intimidated by “petty gossip” that alludes to his employees. Damn straight, Pope Baby – you shut ‘em up and I get ‘em to sign-up. The Redhead and The Pope? An unbeatable combination of management and rationalization. Let’s review the top five reasons to convert to Catholicsm today:
Conversion Argument 1: Old Enough to Set the Table…
Apparently, if the boys are of pubescent age, it ain’t pedophilia – it’s homosexuality. Check out ardent defender of the Catholic Church, Bill Donahue, explain that it’s not the Church’s fault that priests can’t stop touching little boys…it’s the fault of the gay community:
I simply cannot believe that the last time I had a job where I had to clock in, I totally missed the opportunity to use the “blame the gays” excuse for being late! Apparently, I was gay and not really late at all. If The Pope had been my boss, this would have totally not been an issue.
Conversion Argument 2: I’m Never Going to Get Fired
Job security, folks. It’s a rough world economy out there. As a small business owner, I’m always in the situation where I could gain one client, lose two – it’s a month-to-month roller coaster ride! For all that’s holy, I wanna go work for Pope Daddy, ‘cause if I do, I’m never going to get fired.
- The AT&T Approach to Religion: Go ahead – reach out and touch someone. It’s cool by The Pope. He won’t even fire you if you molest kids. Hot damn – just imagine the lunches you could get away with stealing from the rectory fridge!
- Relocation is Always an Option: No longer do I have to join the Navy to see the world…I can join the Catholic Church! If I’m not so great a fit for some ridiculous reason or another for a certain diocese, I can just get shipped off to another one where I might have an impact on God’s children.
Conversion Argument 3: The Pope Won’t Be My Friend on Facebook
You know the edict that you should never connect with your boss on your personal Facebook page? Well, Pope Daddy is never going to be my friend on Facebook! He’s a dude I can trust to stay out of my personal life completely. A man dedicated to doctrine instead of discipline, he’s going to go after those lippy gossipers over by the water cooler and going to leave the fact that I had a three-way with my best friend and her boyfriend the hell alone. Finally – a boss who stays out of my business and takes care of those uppity honor students and their “progressive” ways.
Conversion Argument 4: Benefits, Benefits, Benefits
No matter what ails me, I’m going to have health care when I go to work for Pope Daddy. They take care of therapy for pedophiles, approve the use of condoms to prevent sexually transmitted disease, and they’re all about charity to promote health through the consortium of hospitals in their vast medical system. Honestly, Kaiser Permanente can kiss my lily white ass after reading what I can get by switching over to the REAL God Squad. So much for $50 to see a specialist and a $1500 deductible. I’ll stop by the Sunday Schools, pick up a few kiddos and line up at the door for some real therapeutic care.
Conversion Argument 5: You Can’t HANDLE The Pope!
Having worked in the Marketing and Public Relations space for quite some time, I know spin when I see it. I have to tip my hat when I see a job well-done. During one of the holiest weeks of the year, the Church is spinning the most elaborate set of yarns EVAH. Maureen Dowd offered-up a stellar op-ed piece about the Holy Week spin doctoring, but instead of bashing, I’m going to say – hey! Every company out there WISHES they had a PR team like the Catholic Church. Just check out some of the slugs they could pump into the mediasphere:
Catholicism: We Separate the Men from the Boys…and find ways to bring them together after hours
Semantics: a Study in Accordance With Vatican II
You Blame Canada – We’ll Blame the Gays: Catholicism – Your Partners for Equal Treatment Under God
Criticize Us. We Can Take It. Now Shut Up.
If you can spin it, you can win it. A solid PR and Marketing team just makes my decision to convert a lock.
Conversion Argument – The Final Chapter
Back in 2007, the Catholic Church took a beating to the tune of $660 million because their boys couldn’t keep their hands off of little boy’s toys. With 580 victims set to receive damages from that case, each plaintiff made out to the tune of $1.13M each.
Honestly, this could be a cult that worships a giant purple people eater. If I stand to file a lawsuit for a little boob grazing and win a princely sum of $1.13M, I’ll line-up as victim 581. Hell, I’ll even have t-shirts made! It’s clear that becoming a Catholic aligns perfectly with my penchant for indecent behavior, a solid set of health care benefits and appreciation for a sound marketing and public relations plan. Honestly, there’s no reason for me to fight the faith anymore.
But I’m wondering – how does the entire priesthood feel about that whole “do unto others” thing? Ponder…
About the Author
Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
OK, this is one of the best religious posts I’ve read in a long time. But I have to say….you’re preachin’ to the choir. :::: bad joke ::::
Old fatty up there on Larry King literally made me sick to my stomach with his “it’s not pedophilia, it’s homosexuality” bullshit. So if a 12 year old boy gets molested, it doesn’t count as pedophilia because maybe his balls have dropped and his voice has started to change. The worst part is, so many of them will be inclined to agree with him because of their ridiculous blind faith…not to God, but of this sick organization. The more you have to shout to make your point, the more full of shit you are. That being said, GREAT post. Catholicism will welcome you, I’m sure.
Larry King is wrong. I mean if we are going to get super technical it is called Hebaphilia since they have hit puberty. Still wrong though and irrelevant what we label it. This is about an adult in a power position using said position to molest a child. It’s also, at least here in the us, considered rape.
The modern Catholic Church isn’t about any god, it’s about maintaining itself.
Oh my God. I can’t believe that guy, doesn’t he know that post pubescent doesn’t mean your or an age to consent to sex? I really couldn’t not believe the stuff that guy was saying. I was like WOW he can not be for real. This is the Catholic’s church response to all the pedophilia that the priest do?
Go Sinead O’Connor I didn’t recognize at all but she is right about the Church committing a crime by all the cover up they are doing. *sighs* This horrible, the Catholic Church needs practice what they preach, they need to confess, repent, do Good clean charitable work and non stop Our Fathers.
@ innannastarr – Hey – sometimes ya gotta take the low-hanging fruit
@ Jessica – in the spirit of Catholicism, he’s not a “fatty.” He’s devoting himself to his Lord and Savior and thus has little time to indulge in physical exertion. (aka who would fuck him?)
@ Larry – indeed. Rape. Four letters, sums it up!
@Angel – Consent. Another short, yet concise word. AMEN!
Thank you for another incisive piece of satire. You’re becoming a regular part of my Thursday morning routine.
I recently found out that a dear friend of mine was abused by a Catholic priest many years ago, and I’m so angry I can’t see straight. I was already outraged by both the behavior of the priests and the systematic cover-up by the Church, and I find myself wondering how/when/if this epidemic will come to an end.
Check out the outrage on my Facebook Fan Page. I’ve been wrongly accused of calling the Pope Daddy a “shitbag.” (!!!)
Love me, hate me, just don’t be indifferent!
I think the guy also compared Tiger Woods to The Pope. I’m not sure…
@Jennifer – thanks for stopping by again! Always great to see you and thanks for making me a part of your Thursday morning!
Brill.
LOVE THIS!!! i gave up catholicism for lent… pretty sure it’s going to last forever.
this shit is so disturbing to my core, and i just can’t believe that so many continue to back the pope daddy for making such heinous decisions.
ps- i will so buy that tshirt and wear it until it’s worn out.
Nice satirical piece, Red (Did the John Jay study cover satire?).
Bad people happen – always have, always will. They will always be attracted to circumstances that allow them to readily embrace their badness. The real test of any institution is how it deals with the inevitable bad apples.
I’m guessing Glen Beck’s doddering uncle Bill Donohue in the video is NOT the best spokesman in this case – unless he is, which is a damning condemnation of the Catholic Church. Because, Bill, with all your bluster, bullying and pontificating (did you get that one? Huh? Nice, huh?) – anyway, with all your bullshit speaking in the name of the “Catholic League for Religious & Civil Rights” you miss the point: whether it is pedophilia, homosexuality or something else, we know it is one thing. It is rape. Priests raping young boys. I don’t think that is a religious OR a civil right, no matter what labels you and John Jay are most comfortable using.
Keep keeping ‘em honest, Red.
K
you may have an excellent point. Any religion that can spend over $1 billion paying off people who have been fondled by its employees, not lose vast numbers of followers even though this has went on over hundreds of years, still have people defend them and tried to divert blame, and can still get by with a simple spin apology must be doing something really right some wheres.
I mean let’s look on the bright side. If I went to work and did this type of stuff I would be dead before the trial. The Catholic Church they just give you a different change of scenery and keeps on paying you.
Now that’s the winds of shit Mr Lahey
Is anyone going to grope me? I could use the $1.13M. Just sayin’.
@Kevin – “whether it is pedophilia, homosexuality or something else, we know it is one thing. It is rape. Priests raping young boys.”
Which according to the Bible is a sin. And sinners go where?
“HELL” – As an atheist when the day is done I’m sure to be going to “Hell” and it looks like Hell is a room full of priests. Just fucking great!
While it is a well organized pitch, I am still opting out. Just can’t bring myself to join a group that insists on that much kneeling when all they are going to do is put a tasteless wafer in my mouth.
As for the post puberty argument, no comment is even necessary, his ignorance speaks for itself. Anyone who hears him and thinks, “Gee, he has a valid point” is simply not someone I would ever want to be in agreement with anyway.
Thanks for a good laugh. As a lapsed Catholic who attended a Catholic university and actually enjoyed studying with Jesuits, I appreciate your take on how wrongheaded the Catholic leadership is.
Great post. However, after seeing Sinead O’Connor, I do not want to make the Catholics angry. Sinead did, and they must have put a curse of some sort on her. She went from a hot Irish pop singer with a shaved head to looking like a member of Monty Python in drag!
Kidding aside, if a systematic and decades-long issue like this became public about any company—heck, I don’t care if it’s Google or Apple or Southwest Airlines—they would be shut down by a combination of government intervention and public outrage. But the Catholic Church gets away clean because… ? Help me out here. Can’t quite figure that one out.
@Wicked Shawn – I just spit on my screen. “Just can’t bring myself to join a group that insists on that much kneeling when all they are going to do is put a tasteless wafer in my mouth.” BWAAAAAAH!
@Beth – Word of the day: “wrongheaded.” WIN!
@Doyle – You know, it’s the Catholics who denied Henry VIII a divorce and spun British history out of control, founding the Church of England. I really don’t care if I piss them off, though. I don’t want their damn unleavened bread. This girl is gluten-free! I can’t answer why The Church gets away clean, though. Anyone? Bueller?
I’ll have to read the shitstorm on FB because all comments seem to agree with you. Mine included. This is a serious and disgusting, anger inducing issue and yet your irreverance and wit made me laugh.
That guy on CNN had to planted there by anti-Catholics – he’s an amazing ass and makes such a ludicrous argument.
Keep up the great writing Erika. Cherry
@DearRedhead – You won’t get groped. You’re not the right sex it seems. This is the church – bobbies bad!
The church gets away clean for one main reason I think. The ideal of the church doesn’t reflect the reality. Just like when dealing with a loved ones flaws it is easy to ignore or overlook the flaws. People don’t want to think the institution that probably has done a lot of good in their lives from their point of view can do something so heinous. And really for some people it has done a lot of good, and it helps them quite a bit.
Damn right!
But as for me, I’m a cathokic going to convert to judaism!
What the heck! Let’s spread the wealth around. What does the popiola and the Vatican have , that the rabbis and Israel doesn’t have, eh?
And after all, ou must concede that chraitianity is simply a derivative of judaism! That fine man, Saul, the Pharasee, who converted to christianity, the one that turned tghat rebel religion right back in a “u-turn” to the rules, laws, dogma of the “chosen.” It’s all the same, baby. All the same.
Dear Redhead,
I was baptised & confirmed in the Catholic Church on Easter 2000 and I am a public relations professional. Not your average cradle Catholic. I wasn’t born into it, I chose it. I didn’t realize it then, but now I realize it was an act of job security.
You, my friend, are going to hell in a handbasket. I’d imagine you’ll have a lot of loyal blog readers there with you. Give us 69 hail Mary’s to atone for your sins. Or not. You’ll like it here. The fish fries are awesome and the beer is heavenly.
As a guy who went K-8 Catholic school (hell, I was even in the choir for a year), I find myself a bit hurt that I was never groped.
Guess I’m not a hottie. Sigh.
That said: why don’t they get in more trouble, as opposed to a corporation? Are you kidding? This is the world’s oldest, slickest marketing organization. They have a phenomenal field sales force; managed to spin the world into believing that Easter, Christmas, and the phrase “prince of peace” were theirs (and I hear Odin’s still pissed they stole his whole nailed to a tree for three dats and nights OS); and literally invented the term “evangelist”.
The real question is: what _can’t_ they do?
Lets Not let Facts get in the way of a Story here…..
2002, Christian Science Monitor on national survey results by Christian Ministry Resources
Penn State professor Philip Jenkins, on Pedophiles & Priests:
0.2 & 1.7 percent of Catholic priests are pedophiles.
Protestant Clergy Ranges between 2- 3%.
Despite headlines focusing on the priest pedophile problem in the Catholic Church, most US churches being hit with child sexual-abuse allegations are Protestant.’
————————————————————————————-
October 14, New York Times reporter Paul Vitello exposed the sad extent of Child Sexual abuse in Brooklyn’s Orthodox Jewish community & details cover-ups that have long been aided by law enforcement.
According to the article, there were Forty cases of such abuse in this tiny community last year alone. 40 in 1 town!
Yet the Catholic Church had just 10 cases in the same year across the entire USA.
Smell the Hypocrisy & Kosher controlled media?
Zio Jews love to attack Catholic and Christianity.
Protest-ants Abuse rate is Double that of Catholics.
Orthodox rabbis were allowed by the D.A.’s office to settle these cases “internally” Where are the professional victims’ groups staging protests outside synagogues?
Or sue-happy lawyers been seeking to plunder the Orthodox? Or comedians and late-night entertainers been in cracking jokes about rabbis raping kids?
——————————————————————————————–
How extensive is the problem of clergy sex abuse in the Jewish community?
Wayward Clergy: Is it Rampant or an Aberration?
Eugene L. Meyer & Richard Greenberg
NY(JTA)-Some experts estimate that “between 18 and 39% of Jewish clergy are involved in Sexual harassment, sexual Exploitation and/or sexual Misconduct -the Same Percentage as Non-Jewish clergy,” according to the 2002 book “Sex, Lies, and Rabbis: Breaking a Sacred Trust” written by psychotherapist Charlotte Rolnick Schwab.’
Its Holy Week, Jews want another war and Attack the visible head of Christianity to discredit future criticism of a Jew War.
If it were about pedophilia, we would focus on US Public Schools, Psychiatrists, Coaches, Rabbis and Protestant Preachers.
More nonsense from those that watch too much Jew Tube.
Facts: ( Ireland)
1000 Incidents in 216 schools, OVER 100 years.
Thats 4.5 incidents per school, per 100 years!
Lower than any public school.
This is another JEW Media Smear Job to attack the only Institution capable of muzzling them.
The Rate of incidence if No higher in the Catholic Church and in fact, lower than Protestant denominations and Lower than in Judaism-which the media buries in reports.
this is savagery.
so homosexuality is a crime and pedophilia doesn’t exist in the catholic church? really! bill donahue, what if this happened to your son? would you crucify him as a gay (could you imagine a sentence worse than this, bill)? or would you want to see the evil criminal who did this to your son own it and be punished for it? personally i think if this happened to your son and all talk of this was dismissed by the big man himself as petty gossip, it would be fucking hilarious.
this was an awesome post and a great “spin” on the heinous acts and outrageous denial taking place within this organization.
i can’t believe the pope, bill donahue, the catholic powers that be, or the people who turn the other cheek to this monstrosity are even human.
I freakin’ love you.
@ pattypunker – Great to see you again this week. I think I’d be terrified to know what Bill Donahue would actually do if it were his son who had been groped. Walk a mile in different shoes, y’know?
@ Bill – bril way to bring up the Protestant problem as well. But that’s the fucking problem with satire – it don’t work if you ain’t focused! Hence, I’ll have to leave the Protestants for another column! Next time – post links if ya would. My readers actually DO click through…they’re whores for information.
@ Martin – apparently neither of us are getting groped. Dammitall.
@ Rajean – Hell is gonna be a hoppin’ joint, y’know?!
Meh – that’s alright. More fun to be a groper than a gropee anyways.
Where can I get several of these buttons in a hurry? Have been looking for the perfect something to pin to the napkin rings at this year’s family brunch, gathering directly after Easter Mass.
I know I can get great Grand Father’s 3rd wife, Lucia Hildegaard, to wear hers, she’s 92, has bad cataracts, and the Pope’s her man.
Awesome post. And I NEED one of those buttons. Desperately.