Dear Redhead, My Vibrator Stinks

I recently applied to Agent Provocateur’s affiliate program. A long-time customer and no history of complaints from those who have witnessed their wares, they simply are the sexiest of the sexy when it comes to ladies’ lingerie without being…well, sleazy.

They rejected me. Christ, have they not seen my rack? I’d say I should be a stock holder but it’s more like I enlist their help to hold my stock. I’m half-tempted to ditch every piece of their naughty bits into the charity donation bin. But I cannot. I hold firm that men are visual creatures and that an investment in a little lingerie goes a long way. Whether it ends up on the ceiling fan, nightstand or the cat – really, who fucking cares? You’ve gotta rev a motor before you can let it loose on the Autobahn.

This week, we’ve got some motors in need of revving and we’re going to work our way from the front door of the proverbial body shop all the way to the back door. If you’ve liked what you’ve read thus far, get this column and all the other sultry goodness from ToyWithMe in your reader.

Dear Redhead~

I need my mojo backLately, I’ve not been myself. I moved here from across the country less than a year ago with my boyfriend of 2 years. Our sex is great. Everyone’s a winner, every time. The problem is: I rarely feel like having sex. I get the urge to masturbate (and I do) occasionally (not frequently), but it’s like every other blue moon when the “I’m gonna fuck you today” feeling comes over me. The sick part is, after we do have sex I am BAFFLED as to why I wouldn’t want to do it all the time. I just get so anxious and worked up about it… total mood killer.

I’ve had stress/anxiety issues for ages, but I just don’t correlate sex with stress relief. I know it bums him out to be rejected so often, which in turn makes me feel even worse, guilty, and even less horny. EVIL SPIRAL OF CELIBACY! Oh Redhead of endless mojo, how do you do it? How can I get my groove back?

Unsexy

Dear Unsexy~

I hear ya, sister. Sometimes life grabs hold of our libido, packs it into a little box and shoves it up on a shelf in our closets right next to those Christmas sweaters we never wear. The first tip I’ll give you is to ditch those sweaters. Fuck, they’re awful. My cat’s thrown-up better looking hairballs.

Secondly, maybe it’s time to stop thinking of sex as another thing on your To Do list. Relocations, job hunts, job losses and life stresses can take over our brains and leave us little time or desire to pursue things that actually feel good. I used to ask my personal training clients: do you feel better before you eat the Twinkie or after? It was always before. Sex is your Twinkie and you’re seeing it as a burden as opposed to a pleasure. Strange how we can come to resent things that actually feel good because they interrupt our negative vibe.

Step one: it sounds like you’ve got a kickass relationship where the vibe is right and the sex is hot with a man who wants you. It’s everything else getting in the way. Get rid of the Twinkie and start loving yourself. You’re probably doing a great job with your career search and focusing so much energy on everything outside your home that the thought of fun at home just exhausts you. Twinkies are evil little sponges of negativity. Ditch ‘em.

Step two: take small steps. You like getting laid, your boyfriend likes getting laid. Take a single day each week where you’re not looking for work and the two of you can just…be. Get out of the house, step away from the Twinkies. Who knows? You just might feel a little randy at the end of a stress-free day?

*****

Dear Redhead~

My fiancé doesn’t like “cocopokes” (anal) and I love them. It’s become a once a year thing. Any suggestions? It’s sad.

Please Use the Back Door

Dear Please Use the Back Door~

In Through The Out DoorFirst of all…“cocopokes.” While I can’t stop giggling at the nickname you’ve given anal intercourse, maybe your fiancé can’t, either. Maybe he’d prefer to have anal?

Nicknames aside, what is it about anal that turns him off? Many men adverse to anal find it’s a hygiene issue or religious upbringing. Perhaps he links the activity to homosexuality. Whatever the reason, you first need to have a clear understanding to his aversion to delivering packages to your back door.

Next, if you still want anal intercourse more often than he’s willing to give it, try a compromise. There are things like anal beads, vibrators and dildos designed for anal penetration. Maybe you can convince him to send a package to your back door but hire UPS to deliver it? After all, sex toys come delivered in unobtrusive, unmarked packages! The use of toys can not only solve any hygiene concerns he might have but give you a participatory experience with your lover, putting a new coat of paint on your back door that wants it so badly.

*****
Dear Redhead~

My vibrator leaves my toy drawer with a lovely rubbery-latexy smell–is it making my hoo-haa smell like that, too?!?

Rubber Ducky

Dear Rubber Ducky~

I can only hope that your va-jay-jay doesn’t smell like new car mats. Granted, we all want to be fresh down there, but if your toys have an odor, that’s not necessarily a good thing. The latexy smell is from chemicals and coatings used in molds in the manufacturing process. Do you really want those all up in your hoo-haa? My advice is to chuck the offending pleasure wand in the bin and check out a higher-quality toy like the WeVibe, the Lelo Gigi or the Fun Factory Delight. Even electric toothbrushes don’t smell latexy. Not that I would know. Is that Elvis?

*****

Tune in next week – this week had more questions than Dear Redhead could handle! You can send your questions via email or DM them to me on Twitter. If you enjoyed the column, follow me on Twitter and bookmark this post with your favorite social bookmarking tool. There’s a lot of crap advice floating around out there by “experts.” Wouldn’t you rather get your advice from a redhead?

Erika Napoletano About Erika Napoletano

Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.

Comments

  1. Kevin Boulas says:

    Wow – where to start? It’s not often that your rack, a ceiling fan, cat and revving a motor before you take it out on the Autobahn collide within 2 sentences. Brilliant writing aside, as a dude, and a sleazy one at that, I just have to say (in question order):

    1) Find a time 15 minutes a day to fantasize (seriously) – your young stallion is the Autobahn, so the revving has to start before you get there. BUT NO TOUCHING YOURSELF! NO! STAY AWAY FROM THAT! YOU’RE JUICING THAT THING, BUT YO’ BULL STUD GETS TO DRINK IT!

    2) What’s your phone number? I could buy some brown shorts…Wait, wife might read this; better to go with the sex toys option. And tell your douchenozzle boyfriend guys are lining up for your box of cocopuffs, and it ain’t all about him anyway. What a total weenie – as a guy who enjoys the deed, and for every one of my friends who can’t get anyone to cooperate with THEM in this quest, I want to kick him in the ‘nads. Out of principle.

    On a more serious note: you’re kind of kinky; ever thought of a threesome? What . . . No dear, I’m just looking at my stock portfolio . . .

    3) As a man – well, when I was a young man and able to perform adequately – it almost NEVER matters what your hoo-hah smells like. If we’re gonna take that dive, we’re thumbs up and going down – could be the crystal seas of the Dry Tortugas or the East River. Doesn’t matter – it’s a commitment thing . . .

    That being said, a finely crafted sex toy is a beautiful thing. I know this because my wife has pointed out that 1) I am no longer one of those; and 2) she now goes for the quality toy to satisfy herself.

    Oh, dear lord – I am going to Hell . . .

  2. Wow, Kevin…now that’s one HELL of a comment!

    I’m speechless. But I’m giggling because you said “cocopuffs.”

    Hee hee…

  3. Coocoo for cocopuffs?

  4. I can see this cocopokes/cocopuffs thing is going to go on for awhile, no? Dirty readers…dirty, dirty readers ;-)

  5. Man, I WISH my husband was the one who didn’t want anal…at least once a week I have to remove his love stick from between the crack of my ass and say “not today dear.” Cause I need some serious prep time for that shit, ya know?

  6. Perhaps now would be good time to get some feedback on a new product set to hit the market. DILDO DEODERIZER. Eliminates or replaces Dildo odors with new odors. Available in Banana, papaya,ugli fruit and pine scents. Also coming soon Dick Deoderizer so you your man can smell like BOB. (Battery operated boyfriend.)

  7. @ Petra – You crack me up. Pun intended. Hah!

  8. @ RR5280 – Will you have an affiliate program? Oh, but one request: no banana scents. I like banana milkshakes…and…umm…oh shit, I’ve just said too much. Nevermind!

  9. Please use the back door:

    Either your man is an idiot or you may have a hygiene problem.

    Perhaps at one time he went for a stab at the sphincter and got poopy on his “Ron Jeremy?” That can be a real turn off.

    Maybe try “flushing” out your caboose before the deed.

  10. Petra, I find a glass of wine or two – ok – a whole bottle does wonders for turning me into a crack addict ;)

  11. Screw Agent Provocateur! I’m loving http://www.myla.com/ lately. HAWT.

  12. Ah yes, having to hand it to AssMan for his recommendations. Cleanliness is next to godliness when it comes to packages left at your back door. Help your parnter-in-crime bring ‘em inside with a little extra…er…legwork?

    And Larue…HOLY SHIT. Thanks for costing me my entire next month’s salary. Myla’s Boudoir collection is Da Hizzy! Gawddammmm…spend, spend, spend…Crap – they don’t ship to the U.S.??? Damn Brits. ARGH!

  13. Jesus christ, I love your posts. They are so funny! They make me laugh and I just love reading them every day.

  14. so i had a little experimentation vith vibrators and then that poopie smell was awful aaaand i panicked a little. i tried hand soap- nothing. dish soap- nothing. rubbing alcohol- still nothing. so i thought that the ultrasonic cleaning would be ideal. i thought that i would have a poopie vibe forever. and then that idea came to my head like a flashing light. it is a vibrator. it has a motor and it works kinda like the ultrasonic transducers. so i had a second experiment time… took a plastic bowl, water, dish soap mixed it, full throttle on the vibe and inside he goes. well it worked. after 5 minutes or so the smell was nearly gone. left it inside for 10 more minutes (ultrasonic cleaning takes time trust me..) and the smell was looooong gone. hope it helps.

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