Ever do the “walk of shame” and realize that you really have no shame? Everyone has to go home sometime. And is it only classified as a walk of shame if it’s before 9am the next morning? What if you go home after noon? I find these questions confusing.
Anywhoo – welcome to the second installment of Ask the Redhead. Are you following me on Twitter? Have you subscribed to our RSS feed? And for what it’s worth, I’ve noticed no one loves me enough to have sent me one of these as a gift. Fuck you all. (I still love you, though.)
Two great questions this week – meaty issues you can really wrap your…minds around.
*****
Dear Redhead:
So, I’m married now for a LONG time. 12 years. My wife and I have an okay sex life. The one missing thing is oral. I go down on her plenty and am good at making her cum. I LOVE to go down! However, she can’t make me cum at all.
She’ll go down and give me head but she can’t make me cum. I know I’m capable of cumming from oral because my ex was a pro and could make me cum easily. She also swallowed and on occasion would even ask me to cum in her mouth during intercourse. Not much sexier from a guys point of view. In fact, I’m pretty sure that my ex’s oral abilities added an extra 6 months to our relationship. I never imagined that after this many years (18!) I’m still missing her outstanding oral abilities.
I’ve talked to my wife plenty about this matter. I’ve tried coaching her, too (which she’s open to). In general she likes the idea of coaching but eventually gets frustrated and maybe a little disgusted. She’s squeamish about spit and probably cum too. I cum in her mouth maybe once every 2 or 3 years. I’ve tried helping her using my hands but she seems uninterested and definitely not turned on by my help. Nothing seems to work. What am I supposed to do?
How do I teach my wife better oral skills? I don’t think I can stay married to a women who won’t let me cum in her mouth (I know that’s really shallow but the truth is that it’s a major roadblock between good and great sex).
#moreoralplease
Dear #moreoralplease:
What I’m trying to figure out is if you even like the way your wife gives head. Maybe she’s just not good at it and gets frustrated with receiving help. I’ve heard that some women just aren’t good at it and there are more than a few who cringe at the thought of a man finishing in her mouth. It’s hypocritical if you ask me, as we want you to go down on us and bitch when you don’t, but we have restrictions on how you enjoy us in the same…oral…capacity? Bullshit, I say.
Here are some hints that might help fill-up her mouth and lessen your frustration:
1) Flavored lube - Drizzle some on Captain Fantastic and let her have at it. As a matter of fact, let HER pick the flavor(s).
2) The facial – I have yet to meet a man who isn’t turned on by the image of letting Captain Fantastic loose on his lover’s face. If she’s turned-off by the thought of you finishing in her mouth, ask her for a compromise. She can clean-up lickety split (no pun intended) and you still get to feel like a dirty little boy for messing-up something pretty.
3) Give her a break – Giving head is tiring work, honey. It locks up your jaw, cramps your cheek muscles and if it’s taking you forever, your wife might just be getting tired of feeling like Jack Nicholson’s rendition of The Joker. Try asking her to give it a go at shorter intervals and try pairing those intervals with something else that drives both you AND her completely wild. Spanking, hair pulling, touching naughty bits…you might just find that the combination sends you over the edge without making your wife’s mouth feel like the button hole on a 300 lb woman’s pants.
*****
Dear Redhead,
I met a girl online who is moving to my city next week. While we haven’t met yet, we talk for hours, know a lot about each other and have had phone sex. We obviously have a connection, but here’s the clincher: she’s already telling me not to see other women. Run away or give it a shot?
Reaching out to Touch Someone
Dear Reaching Out to Touch Someone:
As someone who is no stranger to having tried the whole “dating across state lines” thing, I’ll say this: until you MEET her, she’s a cool chick you met online and had phone sex with. You have no idea if there’s going to be a physical or enduring connection when you see one another face to face. I’m not saying run for the hills, but her request to not see other women is a bit premature in my opinion.
I personally have a problem with men and women who seek to connect with someone in a new city before they even get settled there. It shows a certain lack of security. When she arrives, she’s going to have a hell of a lot on her plate to deal with, and those tasks are going to take precedence over a new partner (as well they should). They’re about getting HER life in order, and until she has her life in order, it’s unlikely she’s going to be a good partner for anyone. And that backs up my case for her request for you to not see other women: her focus is going to be elsewhere when she arrives. Until you both take the time to get to know one another on a day to day basis, I don’t think either of you have the tools necessary to make a decision to date exclusively.
If you decide to be sexually active, then yes – I feel that monogamy is a topic for discussion before you start chatting about the Rockies and their shot at the Wild Card slot. If you can each keep your pants on (I know I’m asking a lot), if only for a little bit, then you may stand the chance of talking about the Rockies NEXT season as well as this one.
*****
Do YOU have a question for The Redhead?
Send your questions to me on Twitter via DM or email them to dearredhead@toywithme.com. If you liked this post retweet it. If you didn’t, you can suck it. I love you anyway.
Be sure to tune in next week – I’m working on a savvy giveaway for my readers…just thinking about it gives me the tinglies!
Possibly related goodness:
- Dear Redhead, My Wife Hates Her Vibrator
- Dear Redhead – You’re Offensive
- Dear Redhead, My Girlfriend Is Fat
About the Author
Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sorry but Captain Fantastic?
Bwahahahahahaha!!!
I’m totally using that.
Awesome advice Redhead! I would also like to add that if the married guy’s wife really can’t get her groove on with the oral, he could try a virtuality sleeve, which is supposed to simulate oral sex when used with a really good slippery lube. I know it’s not the same thing, but perhaps it will ease his pain a bit, so to speak, about missing out on good oral.
Honestly, I think some women just don’t have the ability to give good head, or they don’t enjoy it so they don’t put their all into it. Not everyone is going to like everything or be good at everything, and it might be something he has to live with, but of course if she is open to “guidance,” I give her all the credit in the world for keep on keepin’ on!
Why, thankya for the feedback, ladies! And Petra, you’re right. Not every gal can suck. Maybe Mr. MoreOralPlease can give one of those sleeves a shot. No pun intended. OK, maybe a small pun.
Re: Oral.
Some got it, some don’t. Be grateful you ever found someone who had it, there are a lot of guys missing out on more than you!
I have TMJ, so my jaw gets tight really quickly: not fun for either party on oral. Frankly, I sat down and learned where the most sensitive parts of the penis were (the ridge on the bottom, just bellow the head), and learned what I could do without sticking it down my throat the whole time…. though that’s lovely as well. GREAT ADVICE, REDHEAD! I’m also with you on the “she’s just a cool chick you met online.” Long distance relationships are tough… especially when it isn’t a relationship yet.
To Moreoralplease,
I had always been tough to finish with oral. For years I had not been gifted with the big finally by oral. That is until a rather challenged lady came into my life. It was her goal to make it happen. The day came and I couldn’t get enough. Some bits were very sad at the split, but life goes on.
Some time later and comfortably settled in a new relationship, I missed it the same as you Moreoralplease. It just wasn’t the same. She tried. She was just as challenged. It just wasn’t in the cards. I was ok with it because she in every way was not my ex. Thankfully!
Sadly, it became a sore topic for her because she could not get me to finish. Not the other way around. The problem started because she had never encountered a man who she couldn’t finish. She was gifted with the badge of honor for her amazing oral ability by her former beaus. In her mind she was certain I was faking enjoying it. She then felt a nag that I was measuring her against the skills of my Ex because of her lack of success. It only took a little while until she couldn’t stand giving oral.
Our fix was a lot like Redhead recommends with maybe a new point or two.
Like it or no, I was the biggest part of the problem. I had it in mind at the beginning that I was going to be blown away. When I realized their styles and skills were different I resigned myself to making only about foreplay. Bad move. I, by my actions, reinforced to her that I thought her skills were lacking and I wasn’t enjoying it.
We overcame the issue by first talking about it. We arranged a little game of no finish unless it was by oral. Then she put the whammy on me! She did everything in her power to bring me to the brink with no follow through. I was willing participant, so I held my breathe for the better part of a week and a half! That, my friend, is an amazingly long stretch of being caught in a near finish. The haze of lust was always hanging over me.
In the end we found zones we never knew existed for each other. See, she was free to finish but I wasn’t. In my quest for release I would be willing to try anything to get her to explode so she would take pity on me. She finally agreed to close certain negotiations orally and it was a success. The lingering memory of survival mode left a certain brain of mine eager to please.
In the end she regained her oral confidence and I learned a varied set of skills I might otherwise have missed. Oral is now back on the menu. It isn’t 100%, but it isn’t the destination anymore as much as the journey.
I hope this helps along with the good medicine Redhead prescribed.