Dear Redhead – You’re Offensive

Dear RedheadWelcome to the inaugural Dear Redhead column! I’m completely titillated to have earned your readership. Whether you’ve stopped by out of morbid curiosity or to see if your question made the cut, have a seat (on something or someone) and buckle up yer shit for a crazy ride. Have you subscribed to our RSS feed? Are you following me on Twitter (and if so, how does my ass look?) Have you told your girlfriend that you love her enough to get her one of these? Right – and off we go! Thanks to everyone who lobbed questions in my direction – 17 in all this week and I had to pick three. Congrats, guys: you earned it.

Dear Redhead: When going out of town is it necessary to lock up the nightstand goodies so sneaky housesitters won’t find them? Curiously, The Cupcake

Dear Cupcake –
Unequivocally and absofuckinglutely YES. Leaving your treasure trove accessible for housesitters (and maids) is only asking for trouble. Imagine the shock you felt when you found your little pupster or kitty cat licking away at one of your Adult Appliances when you failed to re-stash. Those are creatures you mouth-kiss on a regular basis. Now escalate that shock 1346% when you come home to find your Adult Appliances covered in an odd film (that is obviously not yours) and the batteries so low they wouldn’t help turn anything on in the bedroom, much less a blackout. Bottom line: clean out your drawers and stash your stash when you head out of town.  That includes batteries — people swipe batteries, the filching bastards.

Dear Redhead: I got my girlfriend a vibrator a few months ago but she just won’t use it. She says she feels dirty and doesn’t want to “hump anything that runs on batteries.” Any advice?

Unplugged

Dear Unplugged –

I’m betting that since you’re a guy, you like to watch sports on TV. Or at least Entourage. That makes you battery-powered, just like the vibrator. Will she hump you? I really have no tolerance for a gal who won’t be open-minded in the bedroom. Christ – it’s not like she’s cheating on you with the vibrator (unless you’re a white guy and you got her a huge black dildo…). I’d give it one more go and ask her if she’d at least try incorporating it into your bedroom festivities. If she says no, dump her, because she sounds like the kind of girl who doesn’t like to give head, either. And if she does, she certainly doesn’t swallow.

Dear Redhead:
What is this, your third Twitter account or something? You’re offensive on your other Redhead account and no doubt you’ll be offensive on this one. Who fucking cares? You’re a blogging whore. Give it up already.

Dis Dane

Dear Dis Dane –

I though our divorce was final back in ’97? Wait – you can’t possibly be my first husband, as he would have had to stop banging his ex-wife in my bed long enough to figure out how to use a computer. My bad.

Funny thing is, I saw the email address you sent your love letter from and I know who you are. It’s pretty awesome that you sent it from your work email address, too! The coolest thing is that you’re going to visit ToyWithMe.com today JUST to see if I had the balls to publish your question. Which I did. And you’re probably going to do it from work. Which means you’re going to have a website about sex toys cached in your work computer. And then your IT guy is going to come along and wonder why you’re poking around a sex toy site at the office. He’ll probably think it’s really questionable that you’re looking at dildo reviews, too.

And I’m just going to laugh. Be sure to stop by next week, lovey. I’ll still be a blogging whore and you’ll still be an epic fucktard not smart enough to send a flaming question from a web-based email address. Hugs!

Got a question about sex, dating or relationships? Ask Dear Redhead! Email your questions to dearredhead at toywithme.com or send them to her via Twitter (either @ or DM). Seriously – she’s waiting with bated breath to hear from you. No – seriously.

Erika Napoletano About Erika Napoletano

Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.

Comments

  1. oh shit, I totally read a bunch of you at work today (stumbled upon it in “error” – and happy I did- I was not searching for new bedside boyfriends at work) and didn’t even think about what would be stored on the computer. Better remember to delete what I can tomorrow.

    Thanks, loved your answers to all these questions.

  2. Lisa Nelson says:

    Love love love your column…anxiously awaiting more!

  3. I had the “fucking something that runs on batteries” issue to- not that I didn’t try it, just that, it was weird. I was fully aware that I was fucking something made of plastic and it was a total turn off.

    The first few times.

    I got over it. xD

  4. Bwahahaha! I love you.

  5. you missed a perfectly good felching joke when you used the word filching. i expect that to be, erm, rectumified next week.

    #moredisgustingthaniexpectedthatcommenttobe

  6. sexandthemom says:

    If your going out of town shouldn’t the goodies go with you? Just sayin’