Dear Redhead – You’re Offensive

Welcome to the inaugural Dear Redhead column! I’m completely titillated to have earned your readership. Whether you’ve stopped by out of morbid curiosity or to see if your question made the cut, have a seat (on something or someone) and buckle up yer shit for a crazy ride. Have you subscribed to our RSS feed? Are you following me on Twitter (and if so, how does my ass look?) Have you told your girlfriend that you love her enough to get her one of these? Right – and off we go! Thanks to everyone who lobbed questions in my direction – 17 in all this week and I had to pick three. Congrats, guys: you earned it.

Dear Redhead: When going out of town is it necessary to lock up the nightstand goodies so sneaky housesitters won’t find them? Curiously, The Cupcake

Dear Cupcake –
Unequivocally and absofuckinglutely YES. Leaving your treasure trove accessible for housesitters (and maids) is only asking for trouble. Imagine the shock you felt when you found your little pupster or kitty cat licking away at one of your Adult Appliances when you failed to re-stash. Those are creatures you mouth-kiss on a regular basis. Now escalate that shock 1346% when you come home to find your Adult Appliances covered in an odd film (that is obviously not yours) and the batteries so low they wouldn’t help turn anything on in the bedroom, much less a blackout. Bottom line: clean out your drawers and stash your stash when you head out of town.  That includes batteries — people swipe batteries, the filching bastards.

Dear Redhead: I got my girlfriend a vibrator a few months ago but she just won’t use it. She says she feels dirty and doesn’t want to “hump anything that runs on batteries.” Any advice?

Unplugged

Dear Unplugged –

I’m betting that since you’re a guy, you like to watch sports on TV. Or at least Entourage. That makes you battery-powered, just like the vibrator. Will she hump you? I really have no tolerance for a gal who won’t be open-minded in the bedroom. Christ – it’s not like she’s cheating on you with the vibrator (unless you’re a white guy and you got her a huge black dildo…). I’d give it one more go and ask her if she’d at least try incorporating it into your bedroom festivities. If she says no, dump her, because she sounds like the kind of girl who doesn’t like to give head, either. And if she does, she certainly doesn’t swallow.

Dear Redhead:
What is this, your third Twitter account or something? You’re offensive on your other Redhead account and no doubt you’ll be offensive on this one. Who fucking cares? You’re a blogging whore. Give it up already.

Dis Dane

Dear Dis Dane –

I though our divorce was final back in ‘97? Wait – you can’t possibly be my first husband, as he would have had to stop banging his ex-wife in my bed long enough to figure out how to use a computer. My bad.

Funny thing is, I saw the email address you sent your love letter from and I know who you are. It’s pretty awesome that you sent it from your work email address, too! The coolest thing is that you’re going to visit ToyWithMe.com today JUST to see if I had the balls to publish your question. Which I did. And you’re probably going to do it from work. Which means you’re going to have a website about sex toys cached in your work computer. And then your IT guy is going to come along and wonder why you’re poking around a sex toy site at the office. He’ll probably think it’s really questionable that you’re looking at dildo reviews, too.

And I’m just going to laugh. Be sure to stop by next week, lovey. I’ll still be a blogging whore and you’ll still be an epic fucktard not smart enough to send a flaming question from a web-based email address. Hugs!

Got a question about sex, dating or relationships? Ask Dear Redhead! Email your questions to dearredhead at toywithme.com or send them to her via Twitter (either @ or DM). Seriously – she’s waiting with bated breath to hear from you. No – seriously.

Thanks so much for visiting us! We are working hard to bring you the best in sex, snark and hilarity along with sex toy reviews of the latest and greatest sex toys that are available. Never miss a thing by subscribing to my RSS feed. Want to get social with me? I would love it if you followed me on Twitter! Have a suggestion? Questions about our sex toy reviews? Just want to say hello? I would love to hear from you.

Related posts:

1. Dear Redhead – My Wife Sucks At Sucking
2. Dear Redhead, My Girlfriend Is Fat
3. Dear Redhead, My Vibrator Stinks

About the Author

Erika Napoletano is not your sister’s Barbie doll. She’s the sister who stole your Barbie doll (along with your brother’s G.I. Joe and had them getting it on in the back of her R.V.). The only way we can think to describe her is Dan Savage with a vagina – and most likely, a bigger dick. You can follow her rants at RedheadedFury, an uncensored traipse through her life and times. If you’re more of a techie, check out her irreverent take on social media, business and the interwebz at RedheadWriting. Get social with Erika on Twitter.