The media’s been overrun as of late with the shocking “news flash” that there are gay high school students and they (gasp) want to bring their same-sex dates to prom. Dan Savage – hero/icon/outspoken motherfucker with a voice has had extensive reports on both the gay Georgia teen who will be bringing his date to prom as well as Constance McMillen’s ACLU human rights win against her backwoods, hick-ass Mississippi High School who canceled prom because she wanted to bring her girlfriend. The entire GLBT community (and large portion of straight, non-fundamentalist America) has lined-up behind these kids with support. Hell, Ellen DeGeneres even awarded Ms. McMillen a $30,000 scholarship as an award for challenging her high school’s stance against her same-sex date. You can watch Ellen’s interview with Constance below.
My issue this week is that sexual orientation now apparently has age restrictions and I think it’s bullshit. You’re reading this week’s column and I thank you for coming back – by the end of this week’s rant, you’re going to see why, once again, I have a fundamental problem with fundamentalists and why I think public school administrators need to start acting like voices of reason instead of backwoods homophobic fundamentalist pricks afraid that someone’s “gay” is going to rub-off on a student body.
Gay Happens…
Gay happens. So does straight. So does bisexuality.
So, why the hell is “gay” such a shocker and when did the edict come down that people can’t tell what they like until a certain age? Sure I understand that a minor can’t enter into a legally binding contract and you need parental consent for lots of things before you hit the golden age of 18. I know that you can’t legally get liquored-up until you’re 21 and that the zipless fuck with that boy you lurv in the backseat of an ’84 Lincoln where neither of you brought condoms but you really don’t care because he promises to pull out before he ‘splodes…well, that’s a bad idea at any age.
If you can raise a child to believe in God at age 4, why can’t we understand that sexual orientation happens and there is no age restriction on our personal preferences for men or women…or both?
I Like Dick (not Ike)
I’ve done “college gay.” Hell, I’ve done “college gay” as late as 2006 (and I graduated in 1996) and I can tell you – girls are great kissers. But when it comes right down to it, I can’t deny that I get the same tingly sensation when my boyfriend puts his hand on my tits as I did in fifth grade when a guy whose name I can no longer remember groped me on the school bus. I like dick. I knew it when I was 12. And I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who knew they liked dick at age 12, too.
As a culture, we raise children and fuel their growth based on preference. You like Thomas the Train? Bratz? Dora the Explorer? SURE! Mass Commerce ensures that we have an endless supply of accessories and whatnot so that we can cater to a child’s expressed preferences. We’re AOK with kids expressing that they like Star Wars, the color orange and playing basketball but there’s suddenly this underlying stigma attached to an expression of sexual preference.
Especially if it’s not heterosexual in nature.
Let Me Get This Straight…
If what the recent news has brought to light is correct, then it’s perfectly acceptable to be straight when you’re under 18 and gay is completely out of the question. For all that’s fucking holy, if I was expected to pick a major at age 17 for my college applications, wouldn’t I also be pretty damn entitled to make a choice about my sexuality?
I went on Twitter on Tuesday and lobbed a poll from both my @DearRedhead and @RedheadWriting accounts. For all my trying to almost 7000 followers, I couldn’t find a single person who would speak out against the gay prom date scenario. Not one person stood up. Apparently closet homophobes only shut their mouths when people ask them to speak. Granted, I have a fairly liberal following across the board but am fully aware that there are those of a more conservative ilk in my herd. If it’s true and not one of the 7000 folks following me had a single negative thing to say about a gay student being allowed to bring a gay date to his or her prom, then I consider myself to be in the company of open-minded folk who are more concerned about healthcare and why human sacrifice could turn bricks red. Yes, you may lodge a collective whatthefuck now.
What Are We Teaching?
It simply astounds me that we continue to be a nation where we’re worried that a student’s “gay” is going to rub-off on the rest of the student body. Late last year, my alma mater (Nimitz High School – Houston, Texas) sent home a transgender student (male) who decided to wear women’s clothing to school one day. Appalled…that was me (and delighted to no longer be a Texas resident). I stand firm when I say that school administrators who are calling attention to students who choose to dress differently and express their sexual preferences in a healthy manner are doing more to impede intellectual growth than foster it. Should boys be allowed to wear skirts to school? Fuck yeah – if he’s passing his classes. Girls can wear pants and cheerleaders can wear skirts that don’t meet the “fingertip test” so why the hell can’t a dude throw on a kilt or a little Donna Karan for good measure?
By calling these students out, school administrators are making them targets for hate. And don’t stand there and tell me “the students had it coming.” They know it. They’re already facing an uphill battle by the simple fact they feel comfortable in a different mode than their heterosexual peers and have a lifetime ahead of stares and ugly glances from folks who judge those who don’t meet their own parameters for “acceptable.” How many students in classes past have gone stag to prom out of fear that they couldn’t bring a date of the same sex? How many didn’t go to their proms at all? (Redhead raises her hand, but that’s only because I was dumped 3 weeks beforehand by my boyfriend in favor of two girls. Yes – TWO girls.) If we stop drawing attention to what’s considered “acceptable” social behavior and focus on…oh, I dunno…important shit like making sure students actually learn enough to not end up at the bottom of the academic pile?
The Round-Up
If you couldn’t stand to read my entire diatribe, here are the broad strokes for the Dear Redhead folks:
- If a kid knows they like
- playing baseball
- In-n-Out hamburgers
- Blue t-shirts
- And they know they don’t like
- Peas
- Tom Cruise
- Mowing the lawn
- And we encourage them to
- Choose what they’re going to spend the next 4 years studying when they’re 17
- Respect others
- Not act like a jackass
Then, we can
- Understand that they’re perfectly capable of understanding whether they like the good ‘ol Texas Hangdown or eating at the Y
- Be comfortable in the fact that we each made our own choice with regards to sexuality and let our children experience the same process (regardless of how it turns out).
And our school administrators need to focus on
- Education.
- Encouraging acceptance among students.
- Driving diversity not homogeneity.
And when that’s all done, we can finally see the upside to a fabulously gay prom:
- Less risk for teen pregnancy
- Brilliant fashion choices
- Women who look good in a tux
- Guys who look great in dresses
- And the sure-fire inclusion of dance faves like YMCA and We Will Rock You.
- Design By Reese
Possibly related goodness:
About the Author
Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
You rock! I feel exactly the same way (except I’ve never kissed a girl and missed out on the whole college experience). Sing it Sister!
I love you.
And I love this.
That is all.
My DD goes to an amazing school where an issue such as this would “never” exist. Gay, Bi, Transgender – it does not matter. I see students who are male wearing wedge shoes, pony tails and makeup. Girls holding hands and openly being a couple on their way to classes. There is no judgment.
To be educated in this environment has enabled my daughter to view people solely by their opinions, ideas, values and character. I only wish high schools of my generation had been more like this, then perhaps we would not being dealing with such ignorance today.
WAY TO GO!!!!!!!! LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks everyone for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. I was looked at as a freak when I dressed in a goth fashion in high school. I remember fondly the honor graduate reception when a snotty classmate asked, “What are YOU doing here?”
I replied, “Graduating ahead of you.” And I did. By 10 slots.
People are precious. We’re not commodities. You can never replace one life with another and the sooner we realize that gay/straight/bi/trans/purple/pink/polkadot, we’re all the same humans, we’ll have set a foundation for tomorrow’s youth to grow up in a more tolerant, accepting and fostering environment. Religious fundamentalism, be damned.
I completely agree with you Erika. Nicely written
I live in a large diverse city and still encounter these small minded fucktards more often than not. And yeah, even though I prefer dick, I agree girls are better kissers.
I’m lesbian, and I didn’t go to my prom. Probably because I didn’t have a (female) date and surely wasn’t interested in a male one. If I DID have a girl-date, though I’d have loved to go, I doubt I would have. See, it was 1979 and I would have been looked at as a freak, and the administration would have probably disallowed it anyway. NO ONE was out at my school. Totally sucks that I missed out on all those rights of passage in high school.
Well thought out well said!
Interestingly, my high school right here in Prairie Village, Kansas (Shawnee Mission East)… couldn’t sound more Midwest could it?… had the first Homecoming “Queen” in the nation, a few years ago. It was received with national attention and with non other than our states own homophobe/sexist/racist Rev. Phelps from Topeka, with signs and the whole circus they bring to town. The support from parents, faculty, community, alumni and the might voices of the students overshadowed any thing that dbag Rev. Phelps was blaring from his megaphone. It was beautiful. Made me proud of our community.
Where to fucking begin??!! One, small minded people, be they educated or not, will remain small minded. It makes me sad and angry that they have found their way to leadership roles in our educational system and I hope forward thinking, logical people will remember who these people are and rectify this situation immediately! These people are not untouchable, they can be removed from the positions they hold. Proms are not about education, but cancelling one because of your ignorance does tell us about your lack of intelligence.
This is of particular interest to me because the Drama Queen, at the ripe old age of 14, has let us know that she is unclear as to whether she prefers boys or girls. We have let her know it’s a no pressure kind of thing. She has time to decide. I just hope I don’t have to sue some idiot fucking school board come time for her junior prom if she decides to take a boy and a girl.
@Amy McClintock – It is freaking asinine that 31 years later the administration still disallows high school students from choosing whom to take to prom.
@Alexis Ceule – Go Prairie Village!!! The only place Rev. Phelps megaphone should be is up his……well you know. Problem is his head is in the way.
@Wicked Shawn – If only more people were as opened minded and accepting as you. Your daughter is very fortunate that she has your support. To many families have been torn apart based on a child’s sexual orientation.
Well, I found my daughter liked both sexes in the 7th grade and wasn’t happy but I came to accept it. She’s not in the 10th grade and is still Bi. I love her to death. All her friends accept her and they also know that I know and I do stand up for her. Her friends parents also know and accept her and who she is.
I’m glad you stood up and wrote what you did.
So glad I clicked over. I grew up with hippie parents in Eugene, Oregon, so I was lucky to grow up without a cloak of judgement as my guide. Also, I think I have girl crush on your trucker mouth.
Nice post, as usual Red. I will take exception to one thing, though. This idea that sexuality is a “choice.” Perhaps it is, but it ain’t me choosing – it’s my wee willy winky getting hard because I see a beautiful woman. I could no more be gay than a gay person could be straight – it’s a fact of life, a fact of biology, but not a choice.
K
This is a great post.
It hadn’t registered before that the people who say kids/teenagers are too young to know their sexual orientation never say that if the choice is heterosexual. It’s obvious, but I hadn’t thought about that part. So thanks, it’s a response I can use in the future.
Also, your comments about the acceptance of diversity in the school your DD attends gave me food for thought with transgender dressing in school. I had worried that the kid would get picked on and wondered if class would be too disrupted but then realized how would that change unless schools, families etc. took a stand and said “acceptance” is what we’re promoting. Thanks for all this thought provoking. Cherry
Thanks for commenting Cherry.
I must say though that our daughter does attend a school for the arts so it is certainly not even close to the norm. Last year, the cutest couple as voted for the yearbook were a couple of guys. Having said that, it is quite interesting watching my daughter grow and learn in an environment like that. To be able to go through such a challenging time in your life where cliques are not an issue and that celebrating your differences is the norm. It makes for very well rounded young adult.
What is a “fingertip test”? Google search just shows me stuff about checking for heart disease.
A woman can wear pants and be ‘crossdressing’, but if a man does it he’s looked at funny unless it’s a kilt (and often times STILL gets looks). We have no right to call ourselves an enlightened society when we’ve gone so bass ackwards on the gender equality issue. Women got equality, but where’s the male equality?! I have a friend who’s a (pre-surgery) female to male trans and he occasionally complains how he’d just like to wear a dress. Not because he’s uncertain of his decision to eventually become fully male, but because he likes the way dresses feel and I say that in spite of his unique situation, he should still be allowed to do as he likes without people thinking he’s changed his mind about becoming an actual male when no one gives a male to female the same flack if she wants to wear pants.
In short, if a homosexual couple wants to go to prom, damn well let them. Let them both wear a tux or dress if they want to, or one of each even if they’re both guys. If it isn’t hurting anyone, then what the hell is the issue? ‘Gay’ isn’t something you catch, and it’s well past time that people stopped getting their panties in a bunch over it.
@Kevin – I don’t think sexuality is a choice. I thought I was pretty clear in likening it to “figuring out what you like.” If I wasn’t, great call-out and that’s a better clarification of my intentions
@Cherry – Always great to see you here! It’s stunning that we accept certain practices because they’re linked to social “norms,” isn’t it? Thanks for stopping by this week and I’m glad something I said made ya think…
@Ebby – Welcome to Dear Redhead and thanks for sharing your thoughts…you’re right – “gay” isn’t contagious and it’s a shame some people think it is. Personally, I don’t like NASCAR but I don’t think someone’s going to pee in my gene pool if I catch a glimpse of the Daytona 500.
@Toby – the skirt “fingertip test” is where girls are required to hold their arms down straight at their sides and their skirt must be at least as long as the tips of her fingers.
@Amanda – I’m never too old for more “girl crushes!” Glad you clicked over as well and thanks for reading and commenting.
Thanks as always for reading, everyone, and for sharing my post beyond these virtual walls as I know many of you do!
The CDC is super gay.
How incredibly awesome is this: because of today’s post, I’ve had tweeted at me:
“Obama is really ruining everything”
http://twitter.com/2509/status/11057744044
and that I’m a “liberal/deviant/sodomite”
http://twitter.com/2509/status/11060018588
Tsk tsk with the name calling. Did I even mention the Presidential administration in today’s post? Sodomy? Bueller?
It’s because of shit like this that God let 911 happen. And now they want our brave soldiers to suck each others dingalings. Well, I won’t stand for it.
I’m…wow. I’m speechless. Anyone else want to take a hold of this before I go on full-tilt?
This post really couldn’t have come at a better time for me. My first cousin and her girlfriend recently put themsevles out there on facebook for the world to see and judge and comment – and the backlash they received is unimaginable. I know we live in a very rural area where supporting the gay community is like killing baby kittens in many people’s eyes, but I never thought it would be so cruel. I’ve always been open-minded, thanks in part to the way I was raised. I’ve also lived in this podunk place all my life, so I know only a few brave souls who’ve come out while still living around here.
It amazes me, constantly, that people can be cruel and so closed-minded towards something that doesn’t affect them in the least bit. If another person is gay, it has zero affect on you as a person. It doesn’t hurt you, it doesn’t cause you daily pain, it doesn’t make you any different than you already are. I’ll never understand how so many people can constantly belittle this great community of amazing men and women and undecideds.
I love the gays, support them and encourage them and aspire to be as brave as they all are. I hate to think that my child might have to go through something like this someday. It breaks my heart to know that there’s still so much hate in the world today.
And all this hate is over something as silly as a kid being gay. I think we have more important things to worry about.
(Sorry for the novel – love your blog, dear)
Great post!
I totally wasn’t going to post here today, because, well… I just didn’t have anything to add. I still can’t get over how it’s not obvious that gay isn’t a choice. There was a little boy growing up in my town, and the entire town knew he was gay before he did. (This would be a charming little Bible Belt town on the plains of Kansas. But it was that obvious.) A college friend-of-a-friend was clearly not into girls, but I knew that before he ever admitted it to himself. Hell, the Larry Craig still won’t admit it.
Also, for the record, Jesus (nor God the Father) didn’t hate anyone. So ridiculous and hateful and false testimony and absolutely nothing positive to spew lies and bigotry and blame it on any supreme being. (Though, I guess the Greek & Roman gods were pretty harsh if you pissed them off.)
2509 Bio i’m a filmmaker and a writer and i’m not very good at either of them.
Hmmm. Apparently not a real big thinker, either. Who is this ‘they’ that wants dingaling sucking?
And God let 911 happen. Would that be 9/11? This is why I don’t believe in your god.
Dear Tolerant Readers:
Please don’t pay any attention to 2509. He’s afraid if his non-tolerant parents find out that he’s gay, they’ll send him to his room without dinner. In an effort to keep up appearances, he likes to spew nonsense all over the internet and deflect attention away from himself. Sadly, he’s not very educated, so his arguments make no sense.
This is a fantastic article. I can’t say anything that those above me haven’t already said about it, so I am not going to try.
I will, however, point out to 2509 that if YOUR god let 911 happen, I am REALLY glad that I don’t believe that YOUR god exists.
*ahem*
2509- you make me laugh and you make me sad. If you really have that opinion and feel the need to blame sexuality for something as horrible as the lost life in 9/11 then I sincerely hope you don’t breed or ever around any children ever. You know there was a time when citizens of the US that didn’t fit other “normal society” standards like being a different race and/or female could have rights like yours to write such a statement as you did. We are given freedoms to be who we want and say what we want. Freedom shouldn’t have gender, race, or sexual preference restrictions. Next will you say you blame Japanese Americans who were full citizens yet lost their rights because of their race? Freedom allows choices and those choices shouldn’t be restricted to your limited scope of Americans. 9/11 happened because religious Zealots (hope that isn’t too complicated for you to comprehend) took it upon themselves they would punish Americans because we do not hold their beliefs. We allow women to dress as they like not covering all skin. We also let them vote and go to school. Also unlike some countries, we do not stone people to death nor whip them with canes for minor law breaking.
So in making that statement you think it’s ok for a extremist Muslims to kill people including their own because they understood written religious documents written by other people wrong about how they should practice their faith. I guess you agree with Hitler’s worldview too?
I am a heterosexual, straight male who was in the military. Everyone volunteers to serve in our military, I don’t care what anyone’s sexual or religious or even political preference is. If they volunteer and do their job as good or better than someone else, i would be proud to serve with them knowing they would give their life just as anyone else in the service would. I need to reiterate they are volunteering for military service just like I did while you hide on the Internet and make anonomous cruel statements. Allowing openly gay people in the military is no different then allowing them to go to a prom with their significant other. It shouldn’t be an issue. Serving with someone that’s different doesn’t mean anyone else is forced to do anything. Your statement is equal to saying allowing Americans of African decent would make non African Americans suddenly take on a stereotypical trait associated with African Americans.
Well loripop I think you pretty much summed up my thoughts on that so I’m just here to show my support for Redheads article and all my wonderful gay friends and family. I can’t stand ignorant people like 2509.
Oh my God, I LOVE you!!! Seriously- you are so right on with this, and the fact that you are getting hate-tweets means that you are making the idiots uncomfortable. You might even be making them think. *gasp*
multiple encores here. standing ovation. just bravo. thank you, thank you, thank you.
i too have a fundamental problem with fundamentalists.
2509 can suck it. and by it, i mean a dingleberry. which should qualify as asexual so shouldn’t be a problem.
Well, it’s late but I wanted to chime in and say that I guess I didn’t have to say anything – my readership handled everything just fine this evening!
As a writer, indifference is deadly. If you sway people to love or loathe, it’s a success. Apparently today, I did both. I appreciate all of you stopping by to read, the words on my Facebook Fan Page and Profile as well as your sharing of today’s column.
And @patty punker: I choked when I read your remarks about “it.” I concur that “dingleberry” is asexual. A “dick” would have been distinctly male and a “hoo hoo” female. Way to find the middle ground.
Pun intended.
Hat tip to you, readers
Do not respond or interact with 2509. He said what he said for attention to his website no other reason. Redhead you should have told us you know him so we would simply ignore him. He is ONLY saying crap to get people to his twitter and his blog.
I graduated in 1995 from a public school in the Bible Belt … we had a dozen lesbians at our prom. Eleven of them wore tuxedos with rainbow cumberbunds, the twelth had recently come out of the closet and already bought her dress. There was no stink about it. It wasn’t a big deal.
I did one day meet a woman who I was instantly attracted to. Drawn to physically and emotionally. Love is love is love. People need to focus on that.
I am straight…. however
…ASSHOLES
@mommaruthsays – Very well said, thanks for stopping by.
@Cougar78 – I think you lost him at sincerely – far to many big words. As a post-military man here is another article that you might find interesting. http://toywithme.com/dear-redhead/dont-ask-dont-tell/
*stands up and claps heartily*
@Cougar78 – I no more know 2509 than a strange man’s knee. I have no idea who he is, though he purports to have met me at local Denver events. You can rest assured I don’t keep numbnuts like him in close company and I’ve indicated that he’s not welcome in my IRL circles directly should he ever feel the need to reintroduce himself.
@mystagenameis – the finest comment I’ve seen all day: love is love.
I’m going to be taking up this issue with my blog partner in an upcoming podcast, and we’ll probably be using your copy here as a starting point.
The thing I don’t understand in your take? The naivete that a transgender student dressing in women’s clothes and placed in a large building likely filled with primarily less-than-accepting colleagues (who I would take a wild guess are bigger and stronger and ass-kickier) wouldn’t result in a bloodbath. Sending the kid home may well have protected him from harm and prevented the faculty from having to spend a portion of their day breaking up fights.
Time and place. School may not be the best place for donning the chick clothing.
My post for Eden Cafe that i think you will appreciate.
http://akirarose.blogspot.com/2010/03/looking-back-my-prom.html
I have been surrounded by a ‘mostly’ positive community of support, but then again i don’t live in a rural hick town in the middle of the bible belt.
Perhaps in high school i WOULD have done a double take at a guy wearing a skirt and heels, but now it doesn’t bother me.
The only thing that will be hard for me is telling my mother that i’m less than straight.
Yep, gay happens.
Love your post !
You know, when I was eighteen my best friend and I told each other we were gay. Together, he and I told my grandparents (who I was living with at the time) that we were together, and that we were in love.
My nan and pop both looked at us, completely what I thought was speechless. But to my surprise, my nan turns to my pop then to us and says "Is that it?" then my two grandparents went back to doing the crossword.
HOWEVER, when I told my parents, they told me, and I quote "No child of mine is a queer" then proceeded to kick me out. Which was convenient anyway, as I was moving away for Uni, so there ostracism was redundant.
What surprised me the most of all was how the PARENTS, of my parents who come from a more close-minded (well supposedly) generation can accept me and m then boyfriend yet my parents couldn't.
The one thing I gained from that experience was, while homo-phobia can largely be found in older generations, you CAN NEVER judge someone. It took me so much courage to tell my grandparents and almost none to tell my parents, yet the outcomes were opposite to what I had expected. Its funny… I'm lucky that I have lived/been to a school/university/country that hasn't for the majority treated me being as a gay as wrong. I mean, Australia has a long way to go, but for the most part, I love my country and its people because for the most part, they let me love who I want.
interesting, dylan.
sounds like your grandparents were just more "grown up" than their children were.
I'm a high school student myself, and I am so glad my school isn't like this. Maybe it's because my school is in an area which is not the best, socioeconomically. Races are mixed like nobody's business (it's rare when a couple has two people of the same race), and plenty of kids are out and proud – and nobody gives a fuck. A lesbian couple went to my Winter Formal, and they were damn cute.
I hope that other schools learn to accept and grow up, because if a school in the "bad part of town" in Middleofnowhere, California can do it? They look awful. (For the record my school is brand-new, beautiful, and has amazing test scores. But you know, stereotypes.)