Get Off and Take Off: How to Sneak Sex Toys Past the TSA

A story behind this week's Naugh-Tee:  This shirt ended a relationship (term used loosely, standby). I went ice climbing with a group of friends and guy I was dating back in 2007. I had this tank in a tee at the time and wore it to a big dinner one night at the Ouray Ice Festival. When I took off my coat, my date says,

A story behind this week’s Naugh-Tee: This shirt ended a relationship (term used loosely, standby). I went ice climbing with a group of friends and guy I was dating back in 2007. I had this tank in a tee at the time and wore it to a big dinner one night at the Ouray Ice Festival. When I took off my coat, my date says, “Why you gotta advertise?” And I’m like, umm…it’s a t-shirt and last I checked, you weren’t complaining about the Mouth Hugs. Anywhoo, he was bent six ways till Sunday and we ultimately broke up. But that’s OK since HE FORGOT TO TELL ME HE WAS FUCKING MARRIED! *WHOOPSIE!*

The stories aren’t uncommon: an airport luggage search that yields a…well…one of those. Mine was a day back in 1999 on a trip to Guam from Japan. A military wife at the time, I usually avoided most of the “additional search” rigamarole but I guess they had my number that day at Narita Airport in Tokyo. The look on my face as this slight Japanese man held my Eager Beaver in his latex-clad hands was nothing short of mortified. In a country where owning a firearm is illegal, I’m confident that my possession of the Eager Beaver was nothing short of a national security threat. Then again, this was a country with vend-o-porn and love hotels. Perhaps that’s why Slight Man in Latex Gloves gently put it back in my luggage and waved me onward.

I never told my then-husband about the incident. Or about my tendency to be a bit hard on The Beav while he was deployed.

Now that we live in a day and age where you have two shitty choices when you travel:

Leave shit you need at home (sex toys, shampoo, hair mousse, shaving cream) and fly with a carry-on bag only


Check a bag and take it all with you at the risk of never seeing it again.

Fuck that. Travel with The Redhead. I pack light and I’ll make sure you never have an embarrassing (or unwanted) body cavity search from the Friendly TSA folk. Now, ToyWithMe visited the issue of sex toys and travel back in June, but not with The Redhead twist.

There are two things always in my carry-on luggage:

An Oral B Battery-Powered Pulsar Toothbrush and a Neutrogena Wave.

The toothbrush is, without a doubt, the most inexpensive little basket of sexual goodness I’ve ever experienced. It’s never in question going through airport security and operates like a champ. I’m not talking bristle-side down, if you’re wondering. Flip that puppy over to the flat side behind the bristles. Yes. Yessssss, preeeeecious.

And the Wave. Brilliant. Neutrogena has long been a favorite of mine as a manufacturer of pseudo-sex toys. I’ve had it years and it’s outlived many of it’s purpose-driven accomplices. Really, Neutrogena: what were you thinking? Two speeds. An ample, well-proportioned vibrating surface. Easy-to-clean exterior. I’m thinking you made a vibrator and called it a facial cleansing tool.

Just like you did with the Wave. Purse and carry-on friendly, the Wave will fit anywhere and go anywhere you go. Now, the flat surface of the Wave is covered with Velcro (ummm…NOT comfy), so you’re going to want to cover that with something…like one of the super soft cleansing pads. Or a sock if you’re in Chicago and forgot cleansing pads. Just sayin’.

Forget the “body massagers.” Forget going without because the trip is “only three days.” If your family is anything like mine, you’re going to need a little “happy ending” when you close the doors this holiday season and climb into that twin bed in your old room. I don’t know what led me to explore any of these things, but hey – I masturbate with toothbrushes and you can, too. Kinda makes you look at that Orbit gum chick in a whole new way. Clean! (ding) Awwyeah.

I don’t know what brought that to mind, either. Come to think of it. I’ve met many-a-dude who would bend the Orbit Gum chick over the closest available whatever and do his own drilling. Right. OK. Stopping now. Let’s move on to this week’s contest:

You guys really loved the fact that I’d love to have a mouth full of Joanie Pie. (Note to self: more girl-on-girl action in Dear Redhead.) Thanks for all of the comments on your never-to-be-had movie and TV crushes – we’ll be announcing the winner of the OhMiBod vibe at 5pm EST today!

For this week’s contest, riddle The Redhead this: What’s your naughtiest apparel incident? It can be something as innocent as this week’s Naugh-Tee story or something more tawdry. Do tell! Whisper sweet nothings into The Redhead’s ear…I’m a voyeur by nature and love to eavesdrop. While you’re whispering, you can whisper me a happy birthday (it’s today!). OMFG. LOL. The Sweater Kittens and I thank you in advance and will be delighted to line up for our spanking!

Leave your answer in the comments section below and the Holy Fucking Trinity (@DearRedhead @ToyWithMe and @Mr_Puck) will announce the winner next Thursday, December 17 at 5pm EST!

And now…this week’s Dear Redhead question:

Dear Redhead~

Why is it OK for girls to have sex toys but not guys? I feel as if a girl finds out I have a Fleshlight or a cockring, she’ll think I’m a freak but her stash of vibrators is AOK? Help a guy out here.

Double Standard

Dear Double Standard~

You’re completely right and it’s completely wrong! Why is it that girls can keep a toy chest and men seem only entitled to their own chest? It’s bullshit, through and through. There are a ton of fun toys for guys out there. The Fleshlight, Lelo Bo cockring, bondage accessories and anything you might like to use with a partner. Guys like gadgets! Holy shit. With the whole ‘teledildonics’ thing coming onto the scene, men actually have cooler options than women do for…er…going solo.

I’m wondering if you’re more weirded out by telling your girl that you think toys are cool or by the fact that you have them. I’ll address it in three bold strokes (heh) and hope that maybe I can answer the unasked part of your question:

1) There is intimacy. And then there is fucking. You can use toys with both, but when it comes to intimacy, you’re not going to whip out the keys to your Secret Stash from square one. Intimacy takes time. Fucking, on the other hand…well, you may as well wear the keys to that drawer around you neck when you’re out trolling for girl scouts.

2) All great sex play involves communication. If you can’t talk to your girl about what you like and want…why is she your girl? As I said, intimacy takes time to develop, but don’t you want to be on a path of developing a meaningful relationship with someone who feeds your kink instead of squashes it?

3) Some toys isolate. Others bring you closer. If you’ve never used a sex toy with a woman, it provides a really intimate opportunity for a guy to see how their girl gets off. We masturbate just like you. And just like you, we know how to take surface streets or the highway to get where we want to go. There’s no shame in going solo or sharing. If you let them, sex toys can help you discover things you didn’t even know about your own sexual preferences. Those discoveries lead to better sex. Period.

Bottom line: build your toy chest to suit your preferences. Build relationships that support healthy lines of communication, both inside and out of the bedroom. Screw the societal stigma that says it’s OK for girls to have toys but not boys.

Guys. Dig. Gadgets.

Toy With Me About Toy With Me


  1. SkyddsDrake says:

    *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!* OMIGODSICAN’TWAITTOTRYIT! I can just imagine the fun hubby is going to have hooking that up to his 4G playlist complete with everything from hard rock to polka. =P Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

  2. It’s that time again – yes, Toy With Mes – Winner Time!

    Dear Redhead, Mr. ToyWithMe and I want to congratulate….
    SkyddsDrake on her new ohmibod vibe.

    Meooowww – We could not resist her purrrfect ensemble worn to met her hubby’s co-workers.

    Enjoy your new toy!!

  3. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh……. I forgot about this one…. my junior year of college, my first halloween officially dating my now-husband, I wore a super hot, slinky catsuit to a halloween party. Well, it was cold, so I drank fast and got fairly drunk and was in the “sleepy” stage of drunk before you reach the hyper stage… So I stretched and as I popped my back, my boob popped out the side of the catsuit. Right in front of one of my boyfriend’s least favorite people. …. It took a LONG time to live that down…

  4. No apparel incidents to speak of here. Though I am reminded of my first trip to Europe. I was 18 and promised to bring a Cuban cigar back for a friend who just thought that would be “neat”. It was probably too expensive, neither of us were cigar aficionados, and it carried a bit more than the simple International smuggling risk.

    Am I the only one who was unaware that single, pricey cigars are vended in their own 8-inch, aluminum, cylindrical tube, rounded at one end? Consider it a smoke with a dildo thrown in for free! Here I am certain not that I’m going to simply get nabbed for violating some Castro-punishing embargo. No. I am certain instead that the metal in my suitcase will set off alarms. The then revealed silver penis in the suitcase of this 18 year-old, long-haired guy will evoke derision. And then and only then will the nicotine torpedo be discovered. We’re talking death by embarrassment, then legal trouble.

    It wasn’t until years later that I discovered the solution I only wish I’d known back then. Some six years ago I went on a single date with this girl I’d been following like a lost puppy for weeks. It was perhaps a humanitarian act that she finally caved in for a date. But more importantly she taught me a life skill, How to Smuggle Pornography Into Japan.

    My understanding is that the Japanese, while they are fine selling soiled panties in vending machines, are all uptight about pubic hair. And so this has turned much pornography into contraband. Why this girl was so keen on getting bushy porn into Japan I never learned. But the key, she claimed, of How to Smuggle Pornography Into Japan, was… drumroll… tampons!

    So here, she explained, was the trick. Place the curly-haired pube porn deep in the suitcase. Then, regardless of whatever retentive nature you might have, muss up all the clothes covering the curlicued contraband. You are now presenting yourself as a complete mess to the Japanese customs folk. In my date’s deep sociological wisdom she judged these people be the well-groomed, neat and tidy types. Then open a brand new box of tampons and upend it into your luggage. Toss them around a bit. You’re a messy, messy person and you keep these things jumbled in all of your belongings. This, she proclaimed, was the trick. As much as the Japanese authorities disdain the short hairs, they are so much more disturbed by the contemplation of anything related to menstruation. Viola, your copy of Natural Muffs is safely stashed where no Japanese customs agent is willing to prod.

    Something in this rings true. In the 1980’s friends of the family were working in Saudi Arabia. The wife had been stopped in customs by a young man with a large automatic weapon slung over his shoulder. In a language she did not understand he made demanding noises and gestured quizzically at her hygiene products in her open bag. Not a bit shy, she concocted an elaborate pantomime that, by the pallid look that overtook the young gent, educated him well on monthly cycles and Western customs for dealing therewith. My understanding is that the luggage was then treated like an icky bug, touched sparingly and then only to get it out of sight.

    Well, who knows if the travel advice is true. And in the post-9/11 world I can’t even pass that trick off as good advice. And anyway, I wasn’t in Japan. And I was smuggling a stogie, not pics of coochie-fro. And really, if the cigar-dildo was going to embarrass me so, how was I going to countenance the convenience store clerk to purchase a box of Tampax? And how to steel myself to look deadpan at the customs agent upon their discovery as if to say, “You got it pal, I’m a messy bitch”?

    And so I am left to ponder, since a women’s jittering razor and electric toothbrush will likely not be the right companion for a traveling fellow, how best to disguise the life-sized, disembodied, desk-top, rump modeled after the real anatomy of Tera Patrick when I go on my next business flight. My naughty smuggling ideas are all far too naive for this venture.

  5. Dear Redhead says:

    @Skydds – OMG, you had me at “fist pump.” I’m on the floor.
    @Curiously – Good. God. Almighty. That’s one happy skirt :)
    @Kinky Jew – I’m trying to figure out why the dude even argued. Ditch it. Buy more. Works with hairspray, works with lube :)

  6. Ok, this wasn’t MY experience, but the hubs and I were standing on line to go through security on a flight to Israel. So… you already known that a cavity search is NOT out of the question. Anyway, the dude right in front of us gets his bag pulled from the x-ray machine. They tell him he must have a liquid in there that’s over 3 oz. Ok, so they pull it out, and it is a GIANT FUCKING TUBE OF KY. The poor TSA agent is trying SO hard not to laugh, because this is a matter of national security.

    So the TSA agent says, “Sir, this is over 3 oz.” The man replies, “Yes, but it’s for medical purposes.”
    “Ok” *snicker* “What medical purposes?”
    “It’s… er…. ahem…. for my wife.”
    “Sir, what medical purposes?” *giggle*
    Finally, the guy had to toss the KY, and while everyone in line was trying very hard not to laugh, I doubt anyone will forget watching that HUGE tube of KY be pulled out of his bag.

    Oh, and Dear Double Standard – you can bring your cock ring over to this place ANYTIME, kid. No judgments. 😉

  7. What’s your naughtiest apparel incident?

    Ah yes. First time I fucked the Pilot. He was walking me back to my car from the hotel with the fabulous view of the San Francisco Bay at 2 AM (he was so romantic in the beginning) and a train came right down the road we were walking on. We stopped, it stopped, and I needed to get to the other side of the street, but here was half a mile of train in front of us. He lifted me up over his shoulder and carried me over the train couplings. I was wearing a short skirt and my panties were wadded up in my purse, not on me, so I probably flashed a bunch of homeless guys.

    He tried the toothbrush trick on me a month later in Vegas when I wasn’t getting off the bed fast enough to head out for dinner one night. I still need to get that skirt cleaned. It has toothpaste splattered on it.

    *sigh* I miss those days.

  8. Dear Redhead says:

    @Frankie – if you can, go for the Neutrogena Dermabrasion “appliance” linked in the blog. O.M.F.G. #awesome :)

  9. SkyddsDrake says:

    @DearRedhead A few (very proper, southern boys) didn’t know what to do with me. I was nice, and smiled and tried to get them to chat, but they were pretty shy. One guy thought it was great fun. Luckily I have a very understanding hubby, so he didn’t mind when I insisted that we leave the drab bar we stopped at first to go find a bar with a more happening view of the female persuasion. (I believe the words out of my mouth at that point were, “F#ck this place. Let’s go find some titties.” ) His friend literally fist pumped the air and screamed, “YES!”

    Personally, I hardly remember the co-workers. I was way too hooked on my hubby… I kept catching his eye and smiling… and driving from bar to bar (he was the sober cab that night), I kept grabbing his hand and putting his fingers in my mouth to suck on them… He didn’t know what to do with me, but he made up for it when we got home. Literally… the moment we got home… we almost made it to the couch in the living room. =P

  10. OMG I LOVVVVVE the battery operated toothbrush, but I never thought of the Neutrogena Wave! good idea!

  11. Dear Redhead says:

    @skydds – oh, naugh-TAY! Tell me – what was the reaction of your hubby’s coworkers upon seeing you in your Pussysuit? :)
    @Misty – I think you hit upon something huge here: no one wants to feel like they’re being replaced by toys. While we can use them as surrogates when the real thing isn’t around, use them WITH our lay-du-jour when they are, stimulation with a toy and that with a person are very different things.

    As a woman, I can say that the instant gratification of a toy is always tempting, learning to orgasm with a parter took communication and turned out to be an entirely different sensation!

  12. Dangerous Lilly – That does sound intriguing!

    D- You’re not the only one who would like to try a penis on for size

    Rose – You can reassure your man he’s not the only guy who enjoys a little back door fun.

    Misty – Let your man know that the LELO BO cock ring heightens the fun when using a Fleshlight.

  13. I semi-dated a guy who had an entire toolbox *full* of toys before I had ever had my first one. It actually wasn’t really a surprise when he showed me. I think the actual box was more of a surprise than the contents. So maybe someone just needs to come up with a more manly toybox. Call it Tools For Your Tool or something.

    As for my toys, my husband just doesn’t want to feel like my toys are replacing him. I guess I’d feel the same way. I wouldn’t mind the fleshlight as long as he was still playing with me… and as long as I got to use it on him a few times too.

  14. I would NEVER have guessed about the Wave. SO getting one now. Hehehehehe. 😉

    Oh, so, I just found out one of my boyfriend’s kinks last night, and I am SUPER excited about it. We know a lot of sex-toy girls are fans of anal toys and pleasure, right? Well, my boyfriend is super Ultra-Man and we live in a Naval town, which means men are super MR. MANLY here, and don’t admit anything like, you know, feelings? But, here I find out my boyfriend likes anal play, and he knows because he has tried it out on himself. *With toys*.

    I kind of died and went to heaven. My last boyfriend was so closed-minded to anything kinky, and frankly it was before I got into the kink world myself, so I didn’t even know what I liked and disliked. And now I know. Oh, boy, do I. And it turns out? My boyfriend and I have practically all the same kinks.

    What a breath of fresh air that is, I can tell you!

  15. Oh….how wish I where an “Eager Beaver”…an eager beaver is what I reeaally want to be!!!…..Because…. If I where an Eager beaver…..A really hot Redhead would wan’t to play with meeeeee!!!

  16. Awesome shirt! If I it wouldn’t be false advertising, I would get one for my gal. She knows about my toys and is OK with them.

  17. You know I wonder about that…it’s completely weird to me because it’s expected for men to masturbate but not women…is it really expected for women to have sex toys…but not masturbate…but for men to masturbate…but not have sex toys?

    It completely defies logic.

    Personally I think guys should have all the toys they want…though they don’t have as many options for quality toys, either. That’s starting to change (thankfully)…but male sex toys are definitely behind the curve.

    Still, some toys for guys make me wish I could have a penis for a day so I could try them out (Tenga Flip Hole anyone?).

  18. Once I discovered the joys of a vibrator on my clit (and then said vibrator promptly died) I discovered then the joys of the electric toothbrush because I had nothing else!

    Did you know that one UK company makes an attachment for certain electric toothbrushes so that it’s more “friendly” as a sex toy but these tips still don’t make the uninitiated anymore the wiser? I’ve not tried, but they sound promising.

  19. I have always gone with the “less is more” reasoning. In the Summer when it’s a gazillion degrees out I love to wear a skirt – with nothing underneath. Once out on the town I whisper in Mr. ToyWithMe’s ear that I am pantyless. His reaction makes me feel so sexsaaaayy!

  20. Dear Redhead says:

    Miss Spoken – Is your daughter named Stacy? :)

    Robert – I have no idea why, but I’m oddly aroused…

    DT – You’re an ass. I say that only because I can *hear* you saying that. Verbatim. Nice.

    [blink blink]

  21. SkyddsDrake says:

    Hmm… I think my “naughtiest” piece of clothing would have to be my black corset from Frederick’s of Hollywood. I got it to wear under my wedding dress. That was awesome and fun, and all… but it really wasn’t enough wear time for me. As it turned out, Halloween was on a Saturday this year, and my husband took me out barhopping that night. I decided to wear the corset over a pair of jeans and some combat boots, wear a pair of kitty ears and do up kitty make-up. Accessories included a black, lacey chocker, and a short necklace with a pair of small handcuffs for the clasp. Oh my gods, that was a fun night… I was drunk and crazy horny…

    Did I mention that it was on this night that I met and hung out with his co-workers for the first time?

    *Clears throat* Yes. I think that corset is definitely the naughtiest thing in my wardrobe, if only for the way it makes me feel and act. =P

  22. DCS – Now I’m craving chocolate – Mmmmm

    Mel – Hot damn! I wish I was at the party 😉 Always love unexpected frontal exposure.

    Miss Spoken – Sounds like something from “Stacey’s Mom”

    Robert – You little devil.

  23. Happy Birthday. I’m sure you’ll definitely have a great one. :)

    I was actually reading this yesterday: It’s about BDSM toys, not just vibrators, but about the same general idea.

    Naughtiest apparel? I really don’t have one, really. I do have a pretty, open-back shirt that I wear to job interviews but I cover it up with a black sleeveless coat if that counts as “naughty” really, but aside from that, I don’t really even own anything naughty. I want some corsets, though.

  24. Dear Redhead says:

    Hey Sid! Happy co-birthday!

    And Mepsipax – I fucking LOVE that t-shirt :)

  25. I’m at work now and I’m actually wearing a pair of my wife’s panties. No shit, really, I am.

    She has no idea, it is just my naughty little secret. I don’t do this regularly, but sometimes I just feel like wearing a tight pair of thin cotton bikinis.

    I like that while I’m working I forget I’m wearing them, but every so often it flashes back into my head. I get this evil grin on my face every time.

    I’ve actually heard that there are / were US Senators who would wear woman’s underwear under their $500 suits. They say it helped break barriers and instilled confidence. I don’t know about that. All I know is that I like how they feel on my junk.

  26. Wow! I love the toothbrush idea. I don’t know why I’ve neve thought of that.

  27. It was a tank top that read, “Fluffer” and I of course had it on one day when my daughter brought her new boyfriend over to meet me. He came over a lot after that.

  28. I LOOOOVE the Swallows T-shirt. It has long been on my list of shirts I’d like to add to my wardrobe!

    I *like* naughty clothes, but never have the guts to wear them. For example, I have two corsets I haven’t worn in years. Then, for Hallowe’en this year, I had a completely backless shirt for my costume that was held in place by one single thin tie across the back. It wasn’t really naughty, but it was SMOKIN’, and much more revealing than anything I’d normally wear to a party. Also, I couldn’t wear a bra with it, which was also something I’m not used to. I considered using some double-sided tape to hold it in place, but decided against it. I sure regretted that decision, let me tell you, when I reached over to pick up a bowl of popcorn and *POP*, the tie in the back broke, and my shirt fell away, right in front of everyone at the party! Complete frontal flash for all to see. Needless to say, I was really embarassed, but now I’m feeling less uncomfortable about my clothing. If I can handle a little boob-flash to the crowd without losing my cool, maybe I should add some Naughty to my wardrobe? That can’t possibly be more embarassing!

    Great advice re: boy toys. I will keep it in mind next time I’m talking to my man about our toys. So far, all our toys are for me, but I’d like to change that if I can! :)

  29. I have a shirt that says your girlfriend fucks like a champ. Awesome. I love your blog. I love that shirt. You are the shit. Not that I am into shit. Ewwww. But all the references. Hellz yeah.

  30. I am not ashamed to say I have a “toy chest.” It’s called my “little black book.”


    Please don’t hit me.

  31. Dear Redhead says:

    Oh, Bill…backing you up 100%. The “subtle hint” can fuel the fire y’know?! :)

  32. Nice story! I was flying from Amsterdam to DC a few years ago and bought a girlfriend of mine a huge chocolate penis as a fun gift (come’on, it’s chocolate and she can practice while consuming it). Yep, I was selected for personal baggage inspection and they pulled it out of my bag and say it upright in public view while rummaging through the rest of my bag.

    I had flash backs to Austin Powers and the Swedish Penis Pump, “it’s not mine, baby!”

  33. to distract folks away from your personal accessories, open this webpage on your laptop right before you put it in hibernation.

    they’ll LOVE it when they ask you to boot it up.

  34. Awesome post. Funny and useful! I liked the Swallows shirt a lot and your Q&A’s are always great.

  35. Toothbrushes, removable pulsating shower heads, and now the Neutragena wave? Are they really trying to slip that in under the radar as a innocent skin cleaner?

  36. Happy Birthday Sid!!

  37. unfortunately no naughty stories.

    just wanted to say happy birthday. also, we share a birthday.

  38. I’m completely there with the Orbit gum girl. It doesn’t hurt that she was a page 3 girl as well.

    My clothing issues aren’t so much naughty as they are a lack of naughty. We get both the Fredericks and Vickis catalogs and my wife regularly turns down the corners to point out what she likes. Really nice undies are expensive so I don’t go shopping all that often, but when I do she very much seems to like them… and then they disapear into the drawer never to be seen again. What’s a guy to do?

  39. Happy Birthday Redhead!!

    Ohhh….the ole toothbrush trick. My all time favorite discreet and amazingly effective vibe. Tip: If you like it a little more extreme use those bristles girls!! Try one with baby soft bristles. It’s an erotic massage for your pleasure point 😉 Which reminds me, forgot to brush my teeth *wink* this morning. Gotta fly.