I’d Totally Hit For The Same Team If I Could Do Joan Holloway

@DearRedhead Naugh-Tee" alt="Yep, this is me!" src="http://toywithme.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Naughtee-014-300x225.jpg" width="300" height="225" />Right before Thanksgiving, I sat down with my laptop to catch up on an entire season of Mad Men I’d missed. I’ve long been a fan of eras past where women wore skirts to the supermarket and men hats and vests. Times in history where gender roles were visually distinct. Garter belts…stockings…undershirts…vests with buttons to be unbuttoned. Hats that were placed on the counter when a man walked through the door each evening.

I remember three seasons ago when I first laid eyes on Joan Holloway. Yes, my inner lesbian screamed. YES! Porcelain skin, auburn tresses and hips that would bring an aircraft carrier coming into port to a halt a clear mile away from the pier. Now THAT was a woman, I thought. I wanted to kiss her.

Moreso, I wanted to run my fingertips across her cheekbones. Down her neck. Feel her breasts stashed inside a Playtex bra underneath her feminine frock-du-jour. Run my hands over her hips and celebrate the fact that she had hips and was shaped more like an hourglass than Pete Campbell

There have been moments throughout the past three seasons that I have wanted nothing more than to have Joan Holloway (now Harris since she’s gone and married some dipshit wannabe surgeon. I applauded when she smashed that vase over his head in season three. If you haven’t seen the episode, sorry I fucked that up for you…). I am a girly girl who is a flag-waving fan of the good ‘ol Texas Hangdown (read: dick), but I’d totally hit for the same team if I could have Joan.

Call me crazy, but I think there is something completely luscious in dressing for dinner and putting on your good pearls for the evening. Dabbing on a shade of lipstick in a gold, ridged tube that stains your lips even after a man’s kissed it off completely. I wonder what it felt like the first time a man’s hand slid up past your hemline, feeling the tops of your stockings. Hormones ranging and society shouting whore! as you pushed his hand away and your heart settled from your throat back into your chest beneath a bra shaped more like a straitjacket than a piece of lingerie.

Damn, I want herJoan’s got it: the sex appeal, the moxie. The body that would turn a priest to male prostitute. She has what porn is lacking: a package. Pictures are pretty, but when Joan’s red hair tumbles down from her pent-up ‘do, I have no shame saying that, with every ounce of my heterosexuality, I want it to fall on my face. Strands, in my mouth. I want to bite them. Bite her, the ample apple she is. You can’t tell me there’s not something…wickedly sweet…about the prospect of messing up something so pretty as one of these ladies. And knowing you were the one who did the deed. It’s possession, pure and simple. To have something so feminine and seemingly delicate and remove her from her shell by its back zipper and garter belt. It’s private – that’s what attracts me. I can imagine a bedroom or boardroom, the door slammed closed as the frantic undressing begins.

But this, I know: Joan would probably bite me harder than I’d ever dare bite her, the naughty, naughty little bitch. In the morning, I’d send her a hand-written Crane thank you card.

OhMiBod FreestyleMy lust for Joanie Dear is the perfect occasion for announcing: Dear Redhead has a new column sponsor AND a new contest this week to win an awesome prize! If you tell me about your number one never-to-be-had TV or movie crush (and the scene that “had you at hello”), you’ll win the sexy OhMiBod iPod-compatible vibrator! Just plug this baby into your iPod or iPhone and you, too can have the music in you. Oh My. Leave your comment below and I’ll announce the winner on Thursday December 10th!

This week’s question for The Redhead:

Dear Redhead~

My boyfriend grew up in a very sheltered home. I understand this and try and explain stuff to him as best as I can when he asks me about things relating to sex. The other day though…he struck me speechless with the question: “So what actually happens when a guy masturbates?” Now, I’ve answered his queries about periods, tampons and wet dreams to name a few but this one totally threw me…a guy who doesn’t understand masturbation? Do you know of a website, book, or something I could show to him to help him out?

Sex Ed

Dear Sex Ed~

Sounds like you’ve got a real project on your hands, sister! First, you must really care about this guy to spend the time being his sexual guide. It’s no simple undertaking. There are a few thoughts I’ll put out there as you work with your guy on putting out. I hope they help:

  1. Does he have many male friends? It sounds like he might be flying pretty light in the dude department. Encouraging your guy to pursue more male friendships could do wonders for having some “guy input” on his sexuality AND lighten the load on you to explain every little detail.
  2. Don’t know a gentle way of saying this, but have you ever jerked him off? I think that simple act alone would answer his question. If he’s new to masturbation, you’re probably going to be waiting in line behind Left Hand and Right Hand for awhile once he gets a grip on the concept!
  3. I’ll be the asshole here and say that you need to embrace the concept that you’re this guy’s first. And you probably won’t be his last. You don’t need to feel obligated to send him off to the Land of Strange with a matching set of luggage and a new sofa.
  4. As for books, why don’t you try the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex and perhaps Sex for One? They could be excellent places for a beginner to begin his sexual journey (and lighten your teaching load in the process!).

Toy With Me About Toy With Me


  1. celeb crush…have to be val kilmer in the saint…when he’s seducing elisabeth shue…mmmm… and to be able to change accents and appearance would be like having someone new all the time. and then there’s christian bale in the batman movies, i wouldn’t toss him out of bed either 😉

  2. Oh wow, my first crush was probably Gillian Anderson as Scully on the X-Files. I loved the tension between Mulder and her. The scene that did me in – the Christmas episode where they almost kiss!

  3. Hey Toy With Mes – it’s Winner Time!!

    Your comments where full of some hot and steamy fantasy’s. What a treat to read. This week’s winner is……..

    Raven Quince – Loved your childhood innocence – Congratulations!!

    Get ready to “Groove To The Music!” and party on with your new sexy OhMiBod iPod-compatible vibrator! Enjoy! I hope you don’t have to use your “Free Fuck” card for this :)

  4. Awakening Tara says:

    I think I am part of the crowd here. Johnny Depp can visit me anytime. I also really love Pierce Brosnan. That British accent makes my knees go weak.

  5. Parminder Nagra, the actress from the show E.R. who played Dr. Neela Rasgotra. The sight of her makes my heart ache.

    Clooney wasn’t bad in that show, either.

  6. Patrick. Swayze.

    My favorite movie scene with him is definitely in Dirty Dancing when he runs his hand down Jenifer Grey’s side, and she can’t stop laughing. I love that scene because it’s fun, and it also makes their “successful” attempt at that move a few minutes later infinitely sexier.

  7. Movie crushes? Woody Harrelson – crazy crazy man but a talented actor with a body that just won’t get out of my dreams and always a delight to watch on screen. Just don’t tell anyone ’cause he’s crazy and they’d never let me live it down!

  8. Gerard Butler in P.S. I Love You. The scene in the bar, where he’s singing karaoke and betting that Hilary Swank won’t get up there and sing. That crooked smile and the way he blushed when she actually did. I just loved what a sweet and funny guy he played in the whole movie. Then I saw 300 and realized that was him. He’s gorgeous and his accent drives me mad. He is my movie crush.

  9. My number one movie crush would have to be Maggie Gyllenhaal, and her infamous movie Secretary is the one that started to get my blood flowing. I knew of her before that movie and always thought she was beautiful…but her style of dress, her transformation, everything about her in that movie was sexy. “The scene” for me was toward the end of the movie, where she’s laid out, naked. Her body, tiny with nice breasts and still a hint of curves just looked amazing.

  10. HI, I just found ur blog TODAY, and I love the way u write. I am deffinatly gonna follow u more closely. LOL! To jump in on this contest my big celeb crush moment was when i was in Junior high I saw a Lil Kim video on Mtv and almost came in my pants. I like my girls built thick and hippy, like you do, and she had tits and ass that is normally not put on a girl that tiny but she worked it to her advantage. The way she moved her body mad me just want to ravage her all night long. She is also the first black woman i had a cruch on too. I had only eyes for white chicks up to that point(not that im raceist or anything, I just never had a big crush on a black chick before). Anyway, thats my 2 cents, and I agree with you, Joan Holloway is a redheaded godess. I would do all the same things to her that you said, and then some. And frankly I would like to just sit on the sidelines and watch you do all the stuff you said you were goona do to her. LOL!

    ALAH (A_LAH on Twitter)

  11. Dear Redhead says:

    Oh yes…Kelly LeBrock had a nice run, didn’t she? Papered the rooms of boy’s walls across the world with the hot Weird Science poster.

    And now, why am I thinking of Chet?

  12. oh I know this one haha because i talk about it all the time. Milla Jovovich is my all time crush it started when i seen her in Resident Evil at about nine minuets into the movie haha then as the movie went on I started to like her more and more ^_^

  13. So, would that guy be the first to pick up an issue of Playboy to READ the articles?

    Love the t-shirt melons…and the shirt!

    My first movie crush was/is Christina Ricci. We’re about the same age so I have no shame in professing my teenboy lust for Wednesday Addams. She’s SUPER HOT now too!

  14. Scarlett Johanssen!! MMMM I have many fantasies about that girl!

  15. Dear Redhead says:

    I’m so glad to find that someone else is sharing my obsession with John Cusack. Funny…his sister’s name is Joan.

    Maybe I have a thing for Joans.

    And who mentioned Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You??!?!? Oh hell. He was even sexy as the Joker. A loss, indeed. H-A-dubbuyah-T!

  16. Kelly LeBrock (Weird Science/Woman in Red). Has to be said that certain parts of Basic Instinct (…”It’s nice”). film memories.

  17. She’s beautiful!

    I have yet to try an OhMiBod product. I hope that changes!

  18. My number one movie crush is Richard Gere in ‘An Officer and A Gentleman.’ Also Matt Damon in ‘Good Will Hunting.’ And, Steve Martin – in just about anything!

  19. Miss Cinnamon says:

    Zachary Quinto as Sylar from Heroes. He’s a crazy-as-fuck serial killer, sure, but he has his vulnerable moments, and that’s what endears him to me. Also, he’s kind of really hot and dominating. I like dominating. The end.

  20. I was in London, in 2006. The television was on –my mother was catching up with the second to last episode of Doctor Who, delighted that she could be watching it without having to torrent it first. I wasn’t against watching such a thing, but hadn’t really been paying attention.

    I glance up, and see a pair of chuck taylor sneakers, propped on a table. Long legs, a gangly body, and a just *beautiful* smile under hair that _begs_ to be tousled. I had found David Tennant.

    I started watching Doctor Who pretty much immediately after that. There’s a scene in the third episode with a close up of his tongue (mmm!) licking a cabinet. If he didn’t have me before, him and his tongue *definitely* had me then.

    …and on the subject of girls, Julia Stiles circa 10 Things I Hate About You can do whatever she wants with me. Mm!

  21. Ok, I’ll own up to mine: Peter Wingfield. He played “Methos” in the tv show “Highlander,” and even did a soft-core erotica tv episode where he played a submissive husband… the things I wanted to do to that tied down tush! Mmmmmm….

    Obscure, but delish none the less!! He would have to be immortal to live through all the stuff I would do to that man! Of course… after reading this post, I now have a thing for red-heads!! 😉

  22. Johnny Depp, for sure.

    Not a movie star crush, but Eddie Vedder can come have his way with me any time he wants to!

    Same with Julia Stiles. Or Betty Draper.

    Oh! How about Betty Draper AND Joan Holloway?!?! Excuse me while I go to bed with that mental image. Remind me to tell my husband about that fantasy!

  23. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I’ve now re-read this and re-posted it with reckless abandon. :)

    “It’s possession, pure and simple. To have something so feminine and seemingly delicate and remove her from her shell by its back zipper and garter belt.”


  24. Lady Lover says:

    YES, David Bowie! He makes for a very sexy 60-something. Just close your eyes, if you can’t stand the wrinkley bits.

  25. I would have to say Imogen Heap in the IAMX video for their song, “My Secret Friend.” Usually, I LOVE Immy, but this video made me have the hots for her all over again! For some reason, I LOVE a woman who dresses up as a man, and is all butch but beautiful. Oohh, man that gets my whizz wheels turning. TAKE ME NOW. Her in that suit with messy hair and those cheesy glasses? Oh. My. God. Just seeing her lips and her jawline meant to be like a man’s, but is too graceful? Oh. Yeah.

  26. Okay, the part in “Wedding Crashers” when you can first see that Owen Wilson is falling in love with Rachel McAdams. They’re on the beach and I just kind of want to fuck him right here. Seriously, he’s so sexy!

  27. Kat @ Drawing Cowboys says:

    Dear Redhead, #1 never to be had movie crush (doubly now that hes dead) is Heath Ledger. I first saw him in 10 Things when I was like 15 and I just melted. I mean, the wink? THE FUCKING WINK! And his “Are you telling me I’m not a pretty guy?” Woof. Pants melted ladies and gents. <3

  28. S. Osborne says:

    Fello redhead here & I agree red on the head means fire in the bed and Yes, Joan’s got it.


  29. john cusack, in “the grifters”, when he throws naked annette bening down on the hotel bed.
    oh. my. god.

  30. Dear Redhead says:

    David Bowie?



    Good gravy. Keep ’em coming, folks. We’ve got a week to go and you’re gonna have to EARN this OhMiBod vibe!

  31. Keith Anderson says:

    I’m amazed that there’s only one mention of Christina as “YoSaffBridge” in her 2 episodes of Firefly. Just watched “Our Mrs. Reynolds” last night. Butt nekkid, emphasis on the butt. Get it from Netflix and find out how Mal almost gets sent to the “special level of Hell reserved those who take sexual advantage of young women and people who talk at the theater…”
    Seriously. Funniest episode of the best science fiction show on TV until the reboot of Galactica.

  32. Lady Lover says:

    Aw, man, celebrity crushes. I never understood them until I heard David Bowie’s voice in “China Girl.” Not /exactly/ a TV/movie crush, but something about that song… Oh, his voice is made of sex! I could listen to him sing in my ear all night long, and getting lost in those eyes of his wouldn’t be too hard, either! He could even just croon a bit. Or purr. Y’know, get that deep, rich thing he does going. If only I’d been born in the 70s! Gah! I gotta say, BugginWord, Labyrinth didn’t do much to disuade, either. Just think of why his dance cup so prominent on the big screen. (Yes, I saw Labyrinth in a theatre. I love downtown.)

  33. My current TV crush is Tina Fey. Going back a bit, it was Donna from That 70s Show.

  34. I’m gonna take it back a little further. Not everyone has the total package, right? Some are beautiful (Rupert Everett), some are sexy (Prince), and some are both (Johnny Depp). I think it’s the unattractive sexy ones that are the bees knees. I’m thinking specifically of David Bowie and his cream inducing performance in Labyrinth. Holy Mother of Hotness. I lost my mind when he said, “Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.”

    Or even better…
    “I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want.”


  35. Dear Redhead says:

    @Mike Roe – you’re right, no doubt. Dressing for bed is a favorite personal pastime. High five!
    @CP – thank you for the interwebz journey through Alicia Witt. Oh my. How we forget the important things.
    @LizzyB – Megan Fox is also HAWT. She’s not bite-he-hard HAWT in my book, but if I were ever a college student again, she’d be on my Undergrad Gay list :)

    And @CuriouslyRandom – JOHN CUSACK FTW! Gawd, he is just the epitome of Geek/Everyguy HAWT! Definitely a candidate for #lickalicious. He had me in Say Anything and could have knocked me over with a feather in Gross Pointe Blank. We could share him :)

  36. Stephanie says:

    Oh my! That was a lovely read.

    Hmm… Let’s see… Girl crushes? Felicia Day!! OMG, Felicia Day!
    She’s got that next door neighbor vibe. She’s kind of nerdy, sweet, smart and oh so sexy. And not to mention a red head! (Yup I love em too!)

    Megan Mullaly. She just seems like she’s a whole lot of awesome in a little package. :)

  37. You nailed it on Joan Holloway, it’s the package that makes it so damn shazam.

    As for Mr. Touch-Myself-Not, well either he is lying or has been woefully sheltered. It boggles my mind that some kind of instinct would not kick in to explore that.

  38. OOooh, If I was going to switch teams (and I totally would for these two) I’d pick Eva Longoria-Parker and/or Jennifer Aniston. OMFG HOT.

  39. Oh let’s see, celebrity crushes to me are a dime a dozen, I have a new one every other day, there is just so many to choose from. Among my friends from jr high, I am most notorious for my crush on Josh Hartnett after Pearl Harbor came out. That summer I went to band camp (yes I play the flute, no cracks please ;)) I printed out & laminated EVERY and I do mean EVERY pic of that man that I could get my hands on, and then I taped them up all around my room. I promise I’m harmless :p

    My female celeb crush is Megan Fox…OMG that scene in transformers 2 on the motorcycle is so hott. I love her luscious lips..I’m a sucker for the “bee stung” lips on women.

  40. I actually had to explain “spank bank” and beating it and the like to a college freshman (male!!) not so long ago… That was weird.

    I think Matthew Mc. and Josh Hartnett were first in my “take me now!” spank bank, but the current resident is Johann Urb. I watched Strictly Sexual last week… wow. I don’t think I’ve ever been so hot after a movie in my life.

  41. So…….been thinking about dying my hair red, what do you think?

    SkyddsDrake – Drew Barrymore *swoon*

  42. Dear Redhead says:

    @ToyWithMe – thank you! I’m adding a new “Naugh-TEE” to every week’s post. I have such a collection of inappropriate t-shirts, why not share them and all their sweater kitted glory?

    Robert – I am delighted I could help further your affection for redheads with my porno-in-words. Joan. Is. HAWT. I’m giving her her very own hashtag: #lickalicious!

  43. SkyddsDrake says:

    PS – Salma Hayek in Fools Rush In? Salma is definitely my very close crush in second… Talk about gorgeously sweet and spicy, all rolled into one lovely package…

  44. SkyddsDrake says:

    Bad Girls (1994). Drew Barrymore, Madeleine Stowe, Andie McDowell… This film was so stocked full of fuck-me-now moments I can hardly sit still right now. I think I literally drooled the first time I saw it at the age of twelve. I’ve had one hell of a crush on Drew Barrymore for as long as I can remember, though. I mean, serioulsy… Adorable little golden ringlets in her hair, lushous lips, big lovely eyes, fabulous curves… She’s played every kind of role from the superbly sweet and vulnerable wallflower to the awesomely kick ass, leather-clad heroine. I mean… may I say it? *Purrrrrrrs*

  45. Wait, what. A dude who doesn’t masturbate? Call Ripley’s. I don’t believe it. The world as I know it has ended. I’m scared.

  46. Vanessa Marcil when she played Sam on Las Vegas. All her scenes had me at hello.

    And Christina Hendricks is just walking sex in everything she does. She only had two episodes on Firefly but damn she worked them.

  47. First unattainable TV crush: I was 5 and fell in love with Jack Wild (Oliver, HR Puffinstuff http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0928349/ . I remember my mom trying to get me dressed one Saturday morning while I was watching young Jack blowing Freddy the Flute (that show was totally pervy in retrospect). I did not want her to take off my nightgown because I thought that Jack would see me naked from the TV.

    But my real unattainable movie crush is definitely Johnny Depp. I loved his role as Bon Bon, the pretty transvestite who smuggled a novel out of prison in his ass in Before Night Falls. I loved Rochester in the Libertine, even when he was ravaged by syphilis. Roux the gypsy in Chocolat made my knees weak, and even better that Johnny played guitar himself in that role. Yes, I’ve gotten the “free fuck” card from my husband if I were to ever have the opportunity. :)

  48. That whole post had me nodding yes yes YES because my inner lesbian isn’t very shy about her wants and desires. She doesn’t watch TV but is willing to watch Mad Men on DVD one of these days when she had some free time to sit still. And buxom redheads… damn. I lust ’em.

    Dressing up for anything gets me excited. Hats, gloves, even corsets and lacy underthings. Bring it on, lover. Let’s go dancing, then take it all off while I mess up your ‘do and leave my seamed stockings under your bed.

    Favorite Hollywood guy crush goes to John Cusack. Always and forever. There’s something about the deep intensity of his gaze, the intelligence evident there, and the fact that he works with his sister (my own sister and I don’t get along so this speaks volumes to me) all make me want to do something dirty and complicated with him. Or someone like him, at least, because I’m sure he’s busy or married or something.

  49. Wow, that post was so hot. Damn, I had to take off my sweater.
    But come one you want me to tell you about my crush. Hell, I was a boy growing up with sex on tv. I had a new crush every 10 minutes.

  50. Lol Bill – if memory serves me correctly that was a “guaranteed, no strings attached” blowjob.

  51. Oh man. My terrible-never-happening-crush is totally Christopher Walken, as the Hessian in Sleepy Hollow. Purely for the ending scene when he bite-kisses Lady Van Tassel. Nom.

  52. Dear Redhead says:

    Seriously: how does a guy get past puberty without spanking it? Me = confused.

  53. And people were giving me hassles for turning down a blowjob.

  54. S – O.M.F.G. Damn that man (especially in”A Time To Kill”) can make sweaty look so hot! I’m stealing Dear Redhead’s hashtag for him because he truly is #lickalicious!

    Dear Redhead – Ohhhhh …… I can’t wait for you to dress up your bodacious tatas next week in another “Naugh-TEE” t-shirt. That alone is worth coming back for.

  55. Nora Charles (Myrna Loy). And, the second I saw her in the first “Thin Man” movie.

    Nick & Nora dressed for bed better than most men and women today dress for work. And, to me, there’s “something completely luscious” in dressing for bed.

  56. My movie crush that has yet to go away… Matthew. Which Matthew? The only one. Mcconaughey. Matthew strip me down naked and hear my drawl Mcconaughey. The scene? OMG EASY.

    There was a scene in “A Time to Kill” where he had been working on the remodel of his Antebellum style home and thus he was hot and sweaty and glistening. He stops to take a brief break and slowly lowers himself to the floor of the house and talks to his wife and pets his dog. I wanted to throw myself on his sweaty glistening chest and beg him to take me right then. Oh Merciful God of All. things. SEXY. Mine. Give him to me now.

    I’ve loved him since.

  57. I’ve got constant TV and movie girl cruches, but while most of them are “Oh, how I’d love to hang out with so-and-so and raid her closet” there are occasionally “Hot damn! She’s fine!” moments, too. The party scene in Revolutionary Road when Leo meets Kate is one of those. She’s just so amazing: curvy, sassy, confident and gorgeous hair and makeup with that same retro appeal as Joan. Rawr.

  58. Just something about imagining one Redhead going after another Redhead that has me completely hot and bothered. The alabaster skin; the auburn tresses; the matching carpets & curtains. Good God Y’all.

    I’m an incurable redhead fanatic. Your post today implies total redhead overload which is both totally arousing – and totally dangerous.

    Thank you for that!

  59. Arrr – Nothing gets my panties quite as moist as Johnny Depp playing Captain Jack Sparrow. I have a thing for bad boys 😉

  60. Tina Fey. So freking sexy.

  61. Whew…Joan is kind of hot. I thinks i need a coffee, or a cold shower now!


  62. Wow … not know about masturbating. That is a new one!! On a totally weird note, I had to draw a picture for my brother of the female layout … yeah, it was strange. Not as strange as walking into his college apartment when he and his girlfriend were in the shower … MY EARS! They BURN!!

  63. My number one movie crush was definitely Arnold Schwarzenegger. As awful as Conan the Barbarian was, when he was sitting on that throne with those muscles bulging, he just swept me away.

  64. Dear Redhead your sweater kittens really rock that awesome tee 😉

  65. wow… doesn’t know what happens when a guy masturbates.

    he DOES realize how easy it is to find out the answer to this mystery, right?

    i scarcely remember a time when i WASN’T whacking off!