When Masturbation’s Lost Its Fun, You’re Fucking Breaking

blueEach week, I sit down to entertain. You’ve heard about why I’d hit for the same team, what I carry in my luggage and how I feel about ex-dates who hate the fact I have a public persona. As truth always surpasses fiction in the “strange” department, I hope to occasionally amuse, perhaps even titillate. But above all, it’s honest.

And this week, in all honesty: I’m completely unsexy.

Aside from having a “fat” day, my head seems to have meandered and found its way back up my ass. I just feel…meh.

There’s nothing different when I look in the mirror. Well, aside from what appears to be the inkling of a pimple on my chin. Having turned three-seven last week, you’d think that the acne would have left for teener pastures. Wrong. Hello, zit zapper cream – my name is Cougar.

There’s nothing different about the way my jeans fit. Matter of fact, they’re one pair away from my skinny jeans. Any other day, that would be fucking awesome. Today – it’s meh.

Having (recently? Not really) ended something that should have ended much sooner, I’m fairly sure my mood begs the question: am I soup? Soup is runny and fills the space it’s given. No matter what kinda chunks you put in it, soup remains soup. It’s never really divine. Not really interesting. More of something to warm you up or tide you over until whatever’s next arrives. And damn. That’s unsexy.

When something ends, the questions begin.

Was it my fault?
Is it me?
Am I fat?
Was I clingy?
Did I talk too much?
Am I fat?
Was it the sex? Was it not good enough? Am I not open enough? Am I too open?
Did I leave the iron on?
How do I believe anything he said?
Was it a lie?
Was I lying to myself?
What the fuck is the matter with me?!?!

That whole laundry list of questions – well, it’s pretty unsexy, too. Filled with self-doubt and lacking the sass and self-confidence that I carry around like a purse dog. The fact of the matter is I’m up to my nostrils in Tit Soup and I can’t seem to drink my way out.

I know I’m a sex, dating and relationship advice columnist – but how do I serve my readers when I’m sitting here in soup with Green Day lyrics running through my head:

When masturbation’s lost its fun
You’re fucking breaking

Where my head is at – I’m not even thinking about the hey, diddle diddle. And what’s worse: I’m not a “moper!” For fuck sake, I’m a doer and a shove-it-up-yer-arse if ya hates it, Preeeeeeecious kinda gal.

I can’t even shove something up my own ass since my head is currently up there. Awesome.

So there it is, my readers: Dear Redhead is in the soup. I don’t wanna diddle my way out, I don’t even want to go on a date. Today, at least. Someday would be nice, I’m sure. But that’s the thing when you live your life in words in the public eye: it has to be honest. If someone would please grab the Cat and the Fiddle and jump (or GET jumped) over the moon for me, it’d be appreciated. I’ll be out of the soup soon, but today…well, it’s tomato basil bisque (and that shit is going to stain).

Here’s where I shift focus from my soup to someone else’s stew…you’ll see what I mean:

Dear Redhead~

HELP HELP HELP – I need an expert opinion and quick!

It started innocently. A night out that ended with three-way nakedness. The suspects: me, my husband (together 10 years) and a mutual male friend.

Since the first incident happened, it’s happened again, to the point where it is almost IMPLIED if we see each other, we’ll sleep together.

On top of that, our mutual friend has started escalating our communications. He sends texts, videos, pics, emails, calls, etc. He knows my hubby’s schedule and tends to get in touch with me when I am bound to be alone. At first I played along, thinking it was just us bull-shitting and joking around. Now, he even asks to see me alone.

What do I say to my friend to stop it without harming the relationship? I’m fine with the threesome part, since my DH is a consensual partner. But with the texts, emails, pics – I feel guilty about it happening. He is also in a committed relationship and she probably doesn’t know about this.

I’m not ready to stop being friends. Are we destined to be stuck here? Can we ever go back to ‘just friends’?

Signed,

Threesome Conundrum

Dear Threesome Conundrum~

Well, m’dear Threesome…that’s some stew you and DH have cooked up! Waaaay beyond my soup du jour, I’ll say. Let’s get down to the broth, shall we?

First – this is done. And there’s a very simple reason it’s done: your male friend is cheating on his partner. Using only the info you’ve given, there’s a fourth party that needs to consent to your three-way frolicking: his girlfriend. Many couple swing, and many not even regularly. More often, even, it happens with friends as they’re perceived as “safe.” While there’s nothing inherently wrong with your three-way fun, what bothers me the most is the absent “fourth.”

And YOU are the one to define the parameters of this relationship, not your “friend.” If he was truly your friend, all sex aside, he’d respect the fact that you’re in a committed relationship as well – with your husband – and not try to cross the lines from threesome into a twosome without DH’s input. Swinging dynamics are very personal and require consent among all parties. Otherwise, someone is going to cross the line, which appears to be what’s happening now.

And you’re doing nothing to ruin your friendship – it sounds like your friend is doing all that himself. Sit down and have the talk – about the none-the-wiser girlfriend and about YOUR lines for propriety. And then…you need to decide what you will and won’t share with your husband about the situation.

Erika Napoletano About Erika Napoletano

Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.

Comments

  1. Damn.. I dig Canadian gals too… And redheaded ones even more (I’m incurable).

  2. Robert — I’m in British Columbia. Guess Toy with Me won’t have us on her conscience.

  3. Tanya & Robert …….. Hmmmm

  4. Thank you for the help Toy With Me! I will definitely take a look at Crissy’s article. I’ve never been afraid of a little ‘backdoor’ play and as much as guys are renowned for their hey diddle-diddle, avenues for new experiences are always welcome.

    Tanya – I’m in Ohio, how about you? (Not kidding. Sorta)

  5. Thanks Toy With Me, for the validation and the toy. I had not actually realized this was a contest. I try to have a half-decent sex life, even if it is mostly with myself, so I’m looking forward to an OhMiBod for the little collection.

    Hey Robert, where do you live? (Just kidding. Kinda.)

  6. None of you are playing fair this week!! If I were Oprah I would give each and everyone of you an ohmibod vibe, but sadly I’m not. So I’ll do what I can to decide the most deserving winner. And that person is…

    Tanya – Congratulations!! Having a fence put up is one thing, but to errect said fence and use “redesigned landscape” as the reason – totally unacceptable.

    Robert – Might I suggest you check out Crissy’s article on “Throwing Her Husband A Vasectomy Party” http://toywithme.com/birth-control/vasectomy/
    You could win a LELO BO (prostate massager) there ;)

    For all those who felt Miss Spoken should have won the prize – not to worry. She recently won a LELO ELLA and is now well taken care of.

  7. Oh Dear Redhead, that just sucks. Be “meh” for a little while, but then I hope you’ll spring back to that feisty, dirty-minded chick we all know and love!!

    As to the longest I’ve gone, well, several years ago I was dating this British man, and after about two years we decided to get engaged in Ireland. I had never been, I was so excited! The same trip, just before we left, he turned to me one night and said, “Yeah, I gotta be honest, I’m just not attracted to you sexually any more.”
    So, your whole laundry list? I did that one in SPADES! “Was it me? Am I fat? Am I not smart enough?…” And finally, after a while (and much Zoloft later) I came to terms with the fact that he felt the way he felt, and that’s all. So, after about a year and a half of no sex, I had my little “sleep around” phase, which was lovely (I highly recommend rugby players; good legs!), I met my now husband.

    So, go be “meh,” then find a rugby player, and move from a warm soup to a stunning Red Velvet cake: rich, delicious, and irresistible!

  8. Dear Redhead says:

    Oh dear readers – I’m with @ToyWithMe. Thanks for sharing your “soup” with me. Yeah, we all get in it every now and then.
    @Rose – thank you for the Soupy soup soup soup *slaps myself in the face*. I needed that :)
    @Miss Pissed Off – honey, tell that dude to get stuffed. If you’re happy with you, be happy. I know I’m one to talk, but no man should bring you down. In theory, that’s awesome, right?
    @Emma – ain’t that the truth? I’m waiting for that unexpected thing. Distractions? I’ve got ‘em…but do I want ‘em? Meh :-P

  9. Currently I haven’t had sex since August. And then there was last year, when I dated the guy who talked about his small penis, and yeah, that was an entire 6 month RELATIONSHIP without any sex. In fact, I didn’t have relations from February through September (that’s 8 months for those of you playing at home). But worse yet, I often completely forget about the fiddle and any diddling that I should be doing. Fail. I always thought it was because I was busy and distracted. Now I know it’s because of soup. It makes oh so much sense actually…

  10. The longest? I think about three years…but I just tried to distract myself with school. And it worked…until I got a boyfriend…..

    Oh, man. Was that ever fail. HAHAHA. Actually, I stopped because I thought masturbation was wrong and gross, and I was a virgin at the time, so no sexy time was present…

    Yeah, well, NOOOOW I am a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! *smiles happily* So…yeah. I mean, hey-diddle-diddle doesn’t mean happiness but it sure makes you feel relaxed, eh??

    I say, discount my entry for this (I also already have an OhMiBod club vibe) and give it to someone who NEEDS IT!!!

    PS I have days where I feel like soup. Okay, how about the past month? Soupy soup soup soup *slaps myself in the face*

  11. Miss Pissed off and frustrated says:

    Ok.. I just saw this post. But you know the guy I like told me he would like me more or find me more attractive if I lost weight. I am a plus size girl but I have no problems meeting guys or hooking up with guys. Frankly, plenty of men find me sexy enough to have crazy wild sex with. But I like none of them like I like this guy. But when he told me that my “alone sexy time” suffered. I couldn’t even get myself off. WTF ?!! How could what he said do this to me. So yeah for like a month masturbation lost it’s fun. Plus it did damage to my self confidence .. .. Why do we always waste our time on the ones that don’t love us like we deserve to be loved? But the ones that are crazy about us, we aren’t interested in? Is it because they are too easy. Because it is strange when someone totally likes you?
    I hate being in a “complicated” relationship.
    He’s a freak. He likes to wear women’s shoes for sexy time.
    I can accept that but he can’t over look a few extra pounds? wth?
    I think he’s a little gay. I need to get out.

  12. So, I guess this is the topic for us long redhaired, alabaster skinned girlys with one or two extra pounds, but not a whole lot after having babies. I’m half a stone over prepregnancies weight, but most of it’s gone on my boobs and arse. :D My husband is pathetic. Something happened four years ago which destroyed the way I looked at him. We have two children and I’m going to uni so we still live together but it is over. We have barely had sex since what he did. I didn’t diddle the fiddle either. Met a guy by chance 17months ago. He’s just great, but a long way away. But he did pull me outta that soup- crying and screaming. I now diddle the fiddle alone, and with him by text and occasionally phone.
    Sometimes the thing that gets you outta the stink is totally unexpected

  13. Dear Redhead – As you can see we all have our meh days, times, periods – some longer than others, so, of course, you are not alone. The important thing here is not to sit in the soup to long. Don’t let your tomato basil bisque chill and form a skin. So to avoid the risk of your gorgeous alabaster skin staining I am passing you a towel ;)

    For all who commented I admire you for sharing and today I am making a gi-normous vat of broth for anyone who cares to join me. Clean and clear. Big enough for everyone to jump in!

  14. As for the soup, I am torn between 2 soups. Some days I am Turkey Soup: warm and comforting, tasty and so good you eat too much and get sleepy afterward.
    Other days, I am Taco Soup. Hot, spicy, lick-your-fingers-good. You might burn yourself, but it is so damn good you don’t care.

    I’m a big fan of soup. It’s got a lot of varieties and you can pair it with a lot different toppings or sides or textures.

  15. Oh man… If we’re casting votes, I think MissSpoken is probably in the most need. Granted, I understand she might not be in the mood for sexy time, but when she is, I think it should be fun.
    My sympathies, dear.

    As for myself, I waited until I was 18, spent about 9 months doing the wrong guy and then took about 6 months off. There was some slight fooling around with a friend, but no hey diddle diddle until I met Andy. After I met Andy, we did it daily for months, then at least twice a week for all of the time we were together (geographically, I mean. We never actually broke up, but our houses were 8 hours apart).
    After over 2 years of doing it all the time, Andy had a life changing event and we stopped having sex… for 13 months. boy did that suck.

    As for the soup, I’ve had some pretty meh YEARS. I understand feeling like you’ll never care again and wondering what you did wrong.

  16. Since I’ve been married, 18 months without sex was the longest stretch, but really if you count it, there were about 6 episodes of sex over about 4 years in there. Not good at all.

    I’m in some kind of mirror image version of Robert’s situation: I have long flowing red hair, and kind of alabaster skin, and a few extra pounds since having babies (and only a few, I think I’m about 6 lbs above wedding day), but my husband is the one who has put the fence up. He claims it’s because my post-childbearing body is so unattractive (I had full term twins in my late 30s, I’ll admit that leaves a few marks). These days I manage to get over that fence once a month, tops, and even then, he somehow manages to do it without actually looking at me or touching me. So I stay up late reading sex toy sites.

  17. Dear Redhead says:

    Some excellent soup recipes, all…keep ‘em coming!

    Now back to my soup.

  18. Dear Redhead says:

    @ Miss Spoken – my heart goes out to you, gal. The one upside I’m finding with soup: at least it’s warm.
    @DT – you’re young. And good with math.

  19. Does 9 years count?

    As to the why, well, it was because for once in my life, I was determined to be smart. I had sex for the first time when I was 13, and for all the wrong reasons. I wanted him to love me, I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted to be accepted, I thought that was all I was worth…a lot of the same shit a lot of young teenagers feel when they find themselves in similar situations.

    I almost got pregnant, and that was the wake up call. I moved my ass 3000 miles away, started living with a very conservative family, and worked very hard on pulling *my* head out of my ass. After about 6 years, I met a wonderful man, who really did love me, much to my surprise. It took another three years before we did anything more than hold hands. What a freaking difference. While we never had intercourse, I can say with confidence that we definitely had sex, and it was the best sex of my life, still, to this day, and I *am* having amazing sex regularly now.

    The relationship didn’t last, but we’re still friends, and he can definitely be credited as one of the people who helped the most with pulling me out of my soup. It’s not really a “meh” story, but it’s still a good one.

    Today? Today, I am clam chowder. Rich, creamy, lush, chock full of yummy things. Damn. Now, I must begin the search for some of that. My tastebuds are whining…

  20. “I’m still pretty young and I haven’t been able to successfully abstain from sex or masturbation for any significant length of time.”

    Hell, I’m OLD (48y0) and I can’t seem to abstain either….wife ‘gives in’ about once a week (I rock her world, she rocks mine, cue her weekly “damn, we should do that more often…”; rinse; repeat). In between I toss-one-off at least once a day… Is there an antidote for Viagra?

  21. Do something nice for yourself (like a new pair of shoes, or even just a good glass of wine)…it will make you feel better!

    With the exception of post babies, I haven’t had a dry spell since my teens. My very first experience was my last for a year – I was dumped within the week (at 16 can you say complex much) becasue I was a junior and he was a senior. When I did resume activities it was with a guy who worked off shore and was home 2 weeks / gone 2 weeks. Despite that he was only interested once during his off time. I found out later it was because he was hitting the goods offered at a “bar” with his buddies when he got off the boat.

    Yep…I really knew how to pick em. Luckily that turned around when I met my husband!

  22. I am currently in one of my longest “dry spells”.

    11 Months and counting. Yes, I said MONTHS. We had sex last February, then… Nada!

    My wife is in a serious self-esteem situation where she forbids me to see her naked. She is unable to enjoy sex because she’s so concerned with how she looks. Thing is, she’s absolutely gorgeous! Long flowing red hair, alabaster skin, sure maybe a few pounds extra due to baby, but I personally like that. I ache to devour her, but she can’t get over this rut she’s in.

    I’d love an OhMiBod thinga-majiggy, but I think I’d probably be using it on myself since the fence gets put up immediately when we hit the sheets each night.

    Dry spell? Meh, try fricking Sahara..

  23. Longest I ever went…hmm…outside of protracted obstetric emergencies (because THAT is NOT sexy)…probably the time in 2007 when I had a hunk of MRSA the size of a New York Strip Steak carved out of my um…upper inner thigh, let’s say? I went like, three months and…

    Oh wait, that’s not sexy either.

    But seriously. Three months is a LONG TIME. And…things were NUMB…from surgery. Let’s just say I was VERY RELIEVED to find that everything worked again.

  24. I think the longest I’ve gone without sex was about a year. That’s not too bad, I suppose.

    And good answer to the question. I completely agree. :)

  25. Dear Redhead says:

    @sarahbear Nice to see you again and thanks for stopping by.
    @mepsipax Yah, we all deal with it, y’know? Being a blogger just means people tend to hear about my “mehs” more than others ;-) I stand firmly behind the belief that having my head OUT of my ass is a much better look for me.

  26. I hope you feel better. Having the meh’s sucks. And having a head up your ass is painful for your back and asshole. That can’t be healthy. Good response to the question btw.

  27. Longest I’ve gone? 68 days. And I was 20 at the time. The circumstances were. . . . odd.

    And then, I was dishonorably discharged. Heyo!!

    But seriously, 68. Days.

  28. My husband was killed on the job 16 months ago (he was 37). So yeah, it’s been 16 months.

    I totally get the soup. I alternate between sitting in the stew, sitting on the rim and sometimes I manage to crawl out of the bowl entirely.

    Today I’m War Won Ton.

  29. Mmmmmm, Vince Vaughn. Sorry all this talk about Swingers has made me a little distracted.

    Ahem.

    And even with the image of him, still feeling meh?

  30. tomato basil bisque is way better than corn chowder I must say. I do love the analogy, that is exactly how I feel about soup…meh. But your advice was right on! Also is it just me or do hottubs conjur up images of swingers?…somehow I always think of swingers when I see couples with a hot tub.

  31. This is actually the first post I’ve seen posted here that I both agreed with and wasn’t offended by in a while. I applaud your response to threesome-cunundrum.

    I’m still pretty young and I haven’t been able to successfully abstain from sex or masturbation for any significant length of time. In fact, each of the four times I gave birth and was told no nookie for six weeks, I might have lasted a week before I was experimenting with how comfortably I could have sex. If I was still too sore for PIV sex we would mutually masturbate each other. I hope that we’re always this horny. =)