Dickenomics – Penis Sizes Ranked By State

So, I’m looking at my Google Alerts, sifting through kinky news that could be possible fodder for this week’s column. I click. I stare. I blink.

My entire 16 years as a resident of Texas were shattered in an instant. Apparently, not everything is bigger in Texas.

Condomania, makers of the TheyFit line of condoms, compiled data based on measurements associated with their “Fit Kit” which matches users with 76 different sized condoms based on erect length and girth. Based on the results from 27,000 men, they know whom to salute and published lists of the top 20 most sizeable cities and all 50 states ranked by their crank.

Another Reason to “Head” to Mardi Gras

New Orleans ranks as head honcho in the prickography rankings by city. After all these years, I thought Mardi Gras was about the boobs-for-beads exchange. I’m wrong. If you’re in search of something more fulfilling than beads, The Big Easy is waiting. I was pretty impressed by the Super Bowl upset but given this info, I’m really not all that surprised: Indianapolis was only 13^th on the city-specific list of schlong.

Objects in the Mirror are Larger than They Appear

While New Hampshire may only be 9,351 square miles, it’s the biggest swinging dick of them all in prick. Unless you’re from there, it’s unlikely you’ve thought twice about this blink-and-you’ll-miss-it New England gem. Well, here’s some other awesome shit about New Hampshire you never wanted to know:

• Four-Legged Chicken. You can see one at the Woodman Institute in Dover (get in the motherfucking car. NOW).

• Stevie Ray Vaughan – eat your heart out. The author of the famous rhyme (Sarah Josepha Hale), “Mary Had a Little Lamb” was from Newport, NH. That’s hot.

Perhaps they should change their state motto from “Live Free or Die” to “Go Big or Go Home.” Just a thought.

We All Knew Politicians Tend to Exaggerate

The truth is in: politicians are liars. I know – say it’s not so. But Condomania’s study indicates that Washington, D.C. is only SECOND in prickonomics. New Orleans, a city duly fucked by FEMA during Katrina, has the last hurrah – our dicks are bigger than yours. New Orleans makes better blues music and here’s an awesome tidbit: blue states have bigger dicks than red ones. Gonna have to assume that red states rank higher in cases of blue balls as a result.

Yeee-ha…ha-ha-ha

The joke’s on you, Texas. Dallas/Ft. Worth ranks dead last in dick size. As a Texan (raised in Houston, born in Alabama…shut it), my world is shattered. What you’re telling me is that not only is the phrase “It’s bigger in Texas” a lie, but since Texas ranks a measly 35^th out of 50 states in penis size, that George W. Bush may indeed have a small, red state schlong? I don’t know what I can do with all of this new information in one day.

A Lesson in Dickenomics

New Hampshire isn’t small. Texas isn’t big. Politicians lie. Hurricane Katrina wasn’t the biggest thing to hit Louisiana. But let’s go beyond the numbers and look at this study as fodder for a different kind of stimulus plan. Let’s look at some schiz, using a handy dandy spreadsheet:

It’s simple numbers, folks: spending more doesn’t make you a big swinging dick. The State of New Hampshire boasts the highest income per capita according to the U.S. Census Bureau, has a very modest GDP and rather spectacular size rankings. Texas, in all it’s glory, is only ranked 38^th in per capita income, has a huge GDP and (apparently) a bunch of residents wishing all of the urban legends were true. Louisiana sits smack in the middle, partially obliterated by a hurricane and while a paltry per capita income ranking of 49^th out of 50, they’re a pleasing 7^th in penile.

I knew that New Orleans would triumph again. A Super Bowl title (explained above), a city returning from true desolation to a lively Mardi Gras celebration and now, the model for Dickenomics. They may not be first in GDP… their residents may make a modest living.

But they sure do know how to swing.

If Washington started paying more attention to statistics like penis size we may see an interesting paradigm shift. A decrease in braggadocio accompanied by an increase in personal productivity. There’s something that New Hampshire’s doing right, and it ain’t just good genes. A prick is still a prick (and Washington has those in spades) but perhaps what Washington needs to light a fire under this economic weirdness at present is a sit-down, rock hard lesson in Dickenomics. Not the kind that Cheney would deliver, either. God knows, he chose Palin as a running mate and that’s proof alone that thinking with your dick is a bad idea. But Dickenomics breaks down to this:

It’s not about size. It’s not about money. It’s about strength and a collective willingness to get the job done. Kinda like a good romp in the sack. A $400 per night whore will lie to you and say Captain Fantastic is fantastic but a guy who makes less money than you may be the lay of you life. It’s about using what you’ve got – brains, chemistry, resources, a kitchen table. It’s Dickenomics. And we’re lacking it in Washington these days.

The reality of Dickenomics is simply this: size isn’t everything, but it does matter. We knew all along that the voices of Washington were filled with some fish stories and that Texans were prone to brag. Perhaps that’s why Washington, D.C. and Texas are so far down in the rankings. Fish stories and filibustering aren’t going to get you anywhere in a Super Bowl or the Senate. You can sit there and brag to your date about how big your dick is, but when the pants finally come off, you’re the one who stands on trial. Who knew that a study on penis size would lay it all out on the kitchen table that so many of you like to be bent over?

Now I ask you, dear readers: is there a relocation in your future? Are there famous folks from states of note with whom you’d like to have your very own Dickenomics roundtable?

(Note: I’m filing a grievance regarding Colorado’s ranking. My better half should have blown the bell curve on it’s ranking as 40^th out of 50 states and Denver’s most average 16^th place among cities. I’m willing to submit evidence – but I ain’t sharin’.)

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Related posts:

1. A Tattoo On Your Penis? WTF?
2. What I Would Do If I Had Penis For A Day
3. Self Deprecation And My Small Penis

About the Author

Erika Napoletano is not your sister’s Barbie doll. She’s the sister who stole your Barbie doll (along with your brother’s G.I. Joe and had them getting it on in the back of her R.V.). The only way we can think to describe her is Dan Savage with a vagina – and most likely, a bigger dick. You can follow her rants at RedheadedFury, an uncensored traipse through her life and times. If you’re more of a techie, check out her irreverent take on social media, business and the interwebz at RedheadWriting. Get social with Erika on Twitter.