Dear Redhead, What The Hell Is Up With The G-Spot?

Oooooh, a spanking!” ~ Monty Python’s Holy Grail

spankI typed “spanking” into the Google search bar just for giggles. I don’t know what I found more curious – that there’s an actual Wikipedia entry for spanking (this is necessary?) or that there’s a spanking club in New York City (read: awesome!). There’s even a handy-dandy guide to spanking for newbies on that site. Man, the shit you find at 11pm on the interwebz when you mistakenly took a muscle relaxer instead of a Claritin.

But Redhead (you ask), what does this all mean?

Well, my precious little monkeys, it means that there are resources for everything and I’m one of them. There are no dumb questions on Dear Redhead. You can even don a Cloak of Invisibility and have your questions addressed sans stigma. If more people felt comfortable asking questions about sex, dating and relationships, there’d be a lot more boning and a lot less fighting going on. After all, I do maintain that blow jobs can bring about world peace. Major props to the Kinky Jew for her post earlier this week on exploring BDSM and the accepting nature of that community. If you haven’t given it a read, it’s titillating to say the least!

I had more questions in my inbox than I could handle this week, so some will spill over into next week’s column. After all, since I’ve already shown you my boobs, I have to keep you coming back somehow! This week, we’re chatting about the elusive myth of the female orgasm and the skinny on sexual attraction.

Dear Redhead~

Can you tell me what percentage of women actually have orgasms just through intercourse without clitoral stimulation? Most women I talk to cannot. I think that is more the norm.

Statistically Confused

Dear Statistically Confused~

Let me just whip-out my crystal ball and see here…hmmm….I have no fucking clue. But I will tell you that in my case, the two most certainly go together. I did some digging for you and found a very useful piece online (courtesy of Brown University’s Health Education Program!) that I think is spot-on. Pun intended.

Here’s the truth from The Redhead: every woman’s body is different. Some women have overly sensitive and prominent G-spots and other women have clitorises that a stiff breeze could arouse. I think masturbation and an open dialogue with a patient sexual partner is the key to finding out not only what you like but how you can best communicate to a partner what you like. As the owner of both a clitoris and a G-spot (shit howdy), I can tell you that there are even days where one is more willing to play at the playground than the other.

We are human beings, not mechanized things you can pick up on an end cap at Walmart underneath a maniacal yellow smiley face “Roll Back!” sign. If you never have an orgasm via your G-spot, you won’t be the only gal in that boat. But in that case, it’s your responsibility to communicate to your partner that fact. Letting your partner know how they can please you sure as hell beats any statistics I can throw out there that will either make you feel awesome or like an outcast.

And here’s the other part of this equation: don’t fake it. Shut your whore mouths and quit faking orgasms, ladies. You know what? It’s a lie. You’re lying to your partner. If your bedmate is just a zipless sport fuck you’ve brought home for the night, fine. Faux-moan your little vulva out. But if you’re bedding a true partner quit faking and start communicating. There is nothing that makes a man or woman feel more like a rock star than bringing their partner to a slot machine-like, eye-rolling, knee-quivering orgasm that leaves them a mere puddle of a human being.

So screw statistics and start touching yourself naughty. Get your partner on in there, too. And if all else fails, you can get one of these. If that won’t give her a full on gushing G-spot orgasm then nothing, and I mean nothing ever will.

Dear Redhead ~

When I met my girl I was over 250 lbs, flabby and pasty white. She was 110lbs, petite, and her body and personality were retardedly hot. Now I’m almost 200lbs, gaining some muscle and starting to go tanning. She’s still 100lbs, petite and retardedly hot. But as time goes on, there’s less fire in the bed.

Now…I’m a guy. Foreplay and sex are things I’m down for 24/7 at the drop of a hat. But when I do things like cuddle, touch her gently, kiss, or go out of my way to do something nice, none of it results in getting the vibe that she’s interested in getting anything on. Meanwhile she’ll watch me playing cornhole and get totally turned on and not say anything to me. Then she complains that we don’t get it on more.

I have no idea what the hell is going on. Am I just more attractive as a pasty, flabby guy? Or has that fiery physicality from when we first met finally worn off and there’s just nothing there anymore? Help!

Fire Starter

Dear Fire Starter ~

First of all, congrats on focusing on you and putting in the effort to improve yourself. When we’re happy about our bodies, we experience a whole different kind of confidence which most definitely translates to the sack.

I can’t fathom what’s going on with your girl. Have you tried (gasp) talking to her? Maybe she has a kink for watching you masturbate. If that’s the case, hey – I can think of more complicated kinks to deal with in a relationship. If that’s the case, hell…make it a part of your regular sex play and it’ll turn you on to see her get turned on. Then bone like teenagers behind the bleachers at homecoming, yo?

Perhaps your girl has a preference for big guys. There are plenty of gals (and guys) out there who prefer ample lovers. If this is the case, she should tell you that. But you’re never going to know unless you open the floodgates of communication.

Here’s my issue with this scenario (and understand that my knowledge is limited to what you’ve shared): when you try to do “relationship” things, she’s shutting you out and then complaining that there’s not more boning. Seriously!? There’s a woman out there that’s dissing a dude’s affections and do-nice efforts? I kinda wanna slap her as she makes it look bad for the rest of us. It’s usually the other way around: we’re begging for more of the intimacy.

Being intimate with someone is different from having sex with someone. In a recent conversation with my partner, we smiled when we realized: talking is the most intimate thing we do. That communication leads to better sex, better days and a better understanding of what we each expect, are challenged by and that which freaks our respective shit completely out. Intimacy leads to long-term relationships. Having sex with someone leads to…well, more sex and a hefty tab at the drug store for condoms and lube.

My best advice is to sit down and talk with your girl. If you’re interested in a relationship with her, you need to develop some intimacy (which she currently shuns). And I don’t really think she’s in any position to complain about not having sex when you and Captain Fantastic are ready to go at the drop of a hat, 24/7. There’s something that’s not being said here and while it may be uncomfortable to unearth, you’re doing both you and her a huge disservice if you don’t try to dig it up.

Comment Contest!
In the spirit of “no dumb questions,” we can talk about what’s weird, right? This week, we’re giving away some more sexy Jimmy Jane massage oil candles for the best comment. While wax on the nipples has become a cliche, we want to hear:

What’s the weirdest thing a lover has ever asked you to do in bed?

We’ll pick the winner at 5pm EST on Tuesday November 17th so stay tuned and leave a comment. Your kinks are safe with us :)

Toy With Me About Toy With Me


  1. Ok Toy With Mes – Winner Time!

    Congrats to go – CITO!!

    Cito, please DM or email me your shipping information. You have a choice of scents so please click the link to choose you favorite.
    Thanks, Sandy

  2. Yes. I said no to a blowjob. Maybe I’m gay. So far that seems unlikely however.

  3. Dear Redhead says:

    I’m sorry – did someone say something about a guy turning down a blow job?

    (blink blink)

    I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

  4. Girls tricky? Us – really?

  5. Well, if it were to happen today, I would have said no based on Love and Loyalty to my wife. At the time however as I said I was fairly viriginal and my understanding of the joys of the BJ was limited. Despite being somewhat obsessed with sex at the time, I simultaneously wasn’t entirely sure what the fuss was all about. At the same time I was fairly suspicious of women as a young geek still shedding that reputation the majority of my interactions with women who offered me things had all made me the butt of some sort of joke that I didn’t really understand. My female friends showed me their friendship by never asking anything of me. A no string BJ seemed at the time that it was just a way to put me in a vulnerable position. Girls are tricky like that you know.

  6. On the clown thing. I remember years ago there was an episode of Sally Jesse Rafael (Remember her with the big red glasses?) that covered various different fetishes. One of her guests was a girl who claimed that she couldn’t get off unless she was dressed as a clown. The best part was that she had honkers in her knockers so every time she squeezed her boobs they honked like a clown nose. I later looked her up and it turns out she was a performance artist who goes through things like that.

    Also, King Missile (of Detachable Penis fame) has a song called ‘The Leather Clown’ which I would describe but you really have to listen to (or read the lyrics for) yourself.

    As for my own weird requests. The top of my list has got to be the stringless blowjob. I’d just started dating this girl (who is now my wife) and we were apart over the summer due to school or lack there of. I was going down near her for what we would call a ‘tweet ups’ these days though this was well before twitter. I had caught a ride with some friends so was pretty much dependent on the kindness of strangers to get around. I wanted to spend part of the day visiting with my future wife and so managed to convince someone I had chatted with to give me a ride. She drove and brought along another guy and they went and hung out or something while I made my move on my lady.

    Later that night they came back. The guy was tired and sleeping in the back seat. We were half-way back to the place when the girl informs me that she’d really like to give me a blowjob. No strings, just a suck. I’m not ashamed to say I was still fairly virginal at the time and wasn’t at all sure what to say. I don’t remember what exactly I said but it amounted to politely declining. Still a little dumbfounded able the whole experience even 10+ years later.

  7. Wow! I’m amazed and dumb founded. Not sure I’ve ever heard of a guy turning down a BJ, especially with no strings attached.

  8. Dear Redhead says:

    @Cito: somebody misses his moooooooooommy…

  9. Hmm, lets see…My ex boyfriend thought it would be hot if I masturbated with a carrot. I was like, really?? I would rather use, like, a vibrator. They *have* those things now, remember? It’s not the middle ages anymore, friend.

    Oh, there was this one guy my friend was dating who wanted her to rub his chewed gum on her kootchipop and then put it back in his mouth so he could taste her. While I can understand that wanting to taste her would be sexy, asking something like that in 7th grade was uber creepy. Just sayin’.

    My ex also wanted to do it on my mom’s bed at one point, which completely grossed me out, even though I didn’t tell him that. I mean, while it is reminiscent of the song, “Mama’s Room” by Under the Influence of Giants (a sexy song) the thought of doing it where my mother sleeps, and has done it herself, is not something that was very sexy to me…but maybe that is just me…that would be an uber violation of space!!

    That reminds me of the time I tried to do it in the shower, but my boyfriend was a few feet taller than me, and I am 5’1”, so…lets say it didn’t work out…and I kiind of fell and hurt myself. HAHA…good times. Oh! Or the time I broke the bed frame. But that is a comment for another day…

    Hold on, did I just read something about a clown going down on someone??!!! Oh my GOD…that is…amazing and horrifying at the same time.

    I am a complete cirque du soleil nerd, but the whole sterio-typical clown would just be creepy. Don’t get paint on my bits, dude! I am all for sparkley outfits and glitter, though. Oh yeah.

  10. ThatToyChick says:

    Well – it wasn’t in bed, but one time this guy I had gone on ONE date with was calling me at stalker-o-clock every day, so I thought of the most socially repugnant (and untrue, I’d like to assure) fetish I could come up with and abruptly crashed the conversation into the beastiality wall the next time he called. ….turns out, the idea of me preferring German Shepherds to my own kind made his libido go off the charts. Figures. Had to block his number after the phone calls doubled the next day.

    IN bed, I had a ridiculously sacrilegious conversation once with a lover (he started it!) that, in retrospect I should really have been more ashamed of. It involved bukkake and the shroud of turin. That’s really all of it I can put in print.

  11. Dear Redhead says:

    Oh. My. God.
    @Naomi – I can’t imagine having a clown going down on me. Waaaay to close the the whole Stephen King/IT scenario. Clowns scare the crap outa me, too.
    @Mr. ToyWithMe: Track pants? I am…speechless.

  12. Cito – I would have peed on him then and there, followed by a prompt “Get The Fuck Out!” But hey, that’s just me.

  13. I had a guy ask me after a sex session if during the next go at it, could I take him to the bathroom, sit him in the tub, pee on him, then proceed to give him a bubble bath and dry him off and wrap him in a towel afterward. Golden showers followed by a mommy fantasy? Not my style.

  14. Annon O. Mys says:

    Note: name has been changed to protect the innocent. 😉

    The weirdest request involved a bonfire, an entire bottle of Jack, two guys and me…until dawn.

    Perhaps I’ve already said too much.

  15. Pantyhose fetish. Him wearing.

  16. Not actually in bed, and perhaps not even weird (more like kinky) anyhow, in the middle of having my naughty bits being brought to the brink of ecstasy I was asked to jump up on my mirrored coffee table (and since I am always so accommodating I sprung up there like Tigger) so I could have front row seats to a very awesome show. Ahh…..sweet memories.

  17. My husband thinks if semen tasted like chocolate it would bring world peace. You guys should get together.

    Sadly, no one has ever asked me to do weird stuff in bed. Never. I suck at these contests.

  18. I swear to God, someone wanted to dress up like a clown and go down on me. He got off on the white face paint getting smeared on a girl’s inner thighs and pubic hair. Since I’m utterly and completely terrified of clowns, let’s just say I wasn’t okay with this. (Turns out that part of why he kinked on it was the terror–he never asked this of someone who wasn’t afraid of clowns). I always wondered, if he met someone who *wasn’t* afraid of clowns, would he change it to something they were scared of? I didn’t ask. I was afraid he’d pull out a snake.

  19. Oh, I have one. This was back in college and I was seeing a girl who was in my Psych class. We were fooling around and she asked me to hypnotize her. I knew the basic concept but hadn’t ever done it. It SEEMED to work and we had a lot of fun doing roleplaying where I had her be a stripper or in bondage or whatever.. but its hard to tell how much is just having some fun and how much is actually ‘real’.

  20. DearRedhead – Well, slap my ass and call me Sally! A spanking club?

    Fire Starter – Solid advice to you there – good luck :)

    CP – Gushing like a school girl over here just at the mention of the njoy Pure Wand.

  21. good advice, redhead.

    i would love to have an njoy pure wand. nice piece of machinery.

    sorry. i don’t have any history of weird requests of me. although my wife might have some!

  22. SkyddsDrake says:

    Actually, the weirdest thing a lover has ever asked me to do in bed wasn’t even necessarily “sexual.” He was a dom, I am a submissive. Because I had been a “good girl,” he told me to choose my nickname. It threw me off like crazy and completely halted play because I didn’t know what to tell him. I mean… at that point I was wholly submissive. I was fairly new to play, and I wasn’t accustomed to being given any options, let alone giving myself a nickname. I mean, aren’t nicknames meant to be pet names? Given by someone else?

    Sorry… not very weird, but the best I could think of. Even though I’ve done and tried plenty of other things, none of them have ever struck me as “weird” in the moment, so the above bit is the only thing that’s ever really given me pause in the sack. Lol