There are certain things that piss me off. Three of them are Victoria’s Secret, Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin. What do they all have in common? All three are inherently useless and a perfectly good waste of a set of tits. If you have tits, you can’t find a bra at Vic’s that isn’t padded like a mailing envelope. If you have a brain, you don’t understand why Palin and Coulter are touted as role models for the modern woman. Let’s be honest here – all you’d really want to do is grudge fuck them and post the pictures on the internet. What can I say? Things like this get me riled-up.
And when you’re riled-up, the only solution is to get laid or masturbate. Which is why I gave away a sexy little LELO GIGI on last week’s column. Go knock out your frustrations, girl. This week, we’re giving away something new – get your sexy on with your honey with the JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Candles. Not only do they create a sexy glow, but you can (oh my) paint your lover with the warmed oil they create!
Post your sexiest, most embarrassing sexual moment below. We’ll announce the winner at 5pm EST on Friday!
If any of my readers are headed to BlogWorld next week in Vegas, hit me up. While I won’t be doing it up bachelorette party style like The Kinky Jew, I will be there with some…uh…safe blogging tips. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
Thanks to all of my followers and reader who sent in questions for this week’s blog. Let’s all pile in the caboose of the sexy choo-choo train and delve into your kinks and crannies.
I hear a lot of guys talking about anal intercourse but I just don’t get it. I’ve never really had an urge for it. What’s the happs?
The Guy Up Front
Dear The Guy Up Front~
Well, let’s begin by referring to the back door deed as “anal intercourse.” Yeah…umm…kind clinical. Kinda unsexy. Personally, I wouldn’t ask my man if we could “engage in anal intercourse.” His dick would likely go limp and he’d reach for the remote.
Your phrasing indicates that you’re pretty distant from warming to the idea of doing a girl (or guy?) in the ass. So be it. Many people have an aversion to the deed. But since you’re asking, let me tell you what three guys I’ve asked have had to say about ass piracy in general:
It just fuckin’ turns me on. It’s like cumming on her face. It really doesn’t get more personal than doing a girl in the ass.”
Because she gave it to me. The first time your girl lets you in there, well, you know you’re going to get in there again. It’s our little secret. I can look at her across the room at a dinner party and think – yeah, I did her in the ass. And she can think the same.”
Umm…because it’s AWESOME!”
Thank you, man #3 for your concise response.
Anywhoo, from a woman’s perspective, it’s a naughty little deed, isn’t it? I mean, wow. Naughty-naughty! If you want to try out being a back door man instead of the Guy Up Front all the time, here are some tips:
Try fingers first. If your partner is willing to play, they’ll let you know and you can both ease into anal at your own pace.
- Lube, brother. Lube. One’s pooper does not naturally produce lubricant, so you can try personal lubricants like AstroGlide, KY’s new line of personal lubricants or various others available at your local toy shop. Advice – stay away from the “warming gels.” Oh. My. God. Fire in the hole.
- It’s not a race. If it’s your first foray into the back door of the mansion, take it slow for the sake of all that is ass play. Much like when a girl tells you she’s sore after a marathon romp session, she’s going to be sore and feel some moderate discomfort during and following the act. It’s what some people find to be a turn on – that mix of pleasure and pain.
I’ve been on the pill forever. Frankly, I’m sick of taking it every day. Do you know anything about things like the NuvaRing or the Depo shots? I’d really like to stop taking pills.
Pithy Pill Popper
Dear Pithy Pill Popper~
You wouldn’t know it, but I’m not so big on chemical birth control. Hey, I’ve been on the pill since I was 17. No harm, no foul. My acne is better and my periods predictable. All we can ask for, right? I totally get that you’re sick of popping pills, but you just named my two LEAST favorite forms of birth control out there. Here’s why (climbing on soapbox, inserting disclaimer that I am not a licensed medical professional but the owner of a very educated va-jay-jay and hence I have opinions):
Here is a chart (by the manufacturers of NuvaRing) comparing the device to both the pill and the patch. All three are shown as 99% effective in controlling pregnancy. A NuvaRing is a combination estrogen/progestin device, as are most birth control pills and the patch. It does the exact same thing as the pill, except you get to stick it in your hoo-hoo and leave it there for 3 weeks, take it out and then put another one back up there 7 days later. What. The. Fuck. If it does the same thing as the pill and takes up space in my va-jay-jay, that means it could be moved during intercourse, dislodged, require reinsertion or just fall the fuck out. There are also a shitload of pending class action lawsuits against the manufacturer of NuvaRing at present. While this should not solely be a deterrent, it would make me think I need to do a little research before sticking anything “on up there.”
Depo Provera is a progesterone-only shot that is given every three months. It changes the composition of the cervical mucus, making it impossible for sperm to reach the eggs and have a nice candlelight dinner. My favorite stat? 70% of women using Depo experience weight gain – 11 pounds over 3 years and 3.4% body fat. Why would you want to take something that’s going to make you unfuckable? Unless you’re looking for men (or women) into bigger girls, my guess is that you’d like to keep your current figure. You can read more about the drug directly from the manufacturer, but even the manufacturer admits that users can experience a loss of bone density due to the use of their product.
If you really need an alternate to the pill, why not try the birth control patch? Don’t fool yourself, kiddo. The oral route is always cheaper – just like with a hooker. The blow job is always less than straight sex. When you start to get fancy, the drug companies will charge you for the pizzazz. There is only ONE birth control patch (Ortho Evra) and you change it every week. However, realize that while it’s a combination progestin/estrogen product like the pill, you’ll be exposed to 60% more estrogen when using the patch than with regular pills. Which means an increased risk of side effects. Which is not so awesome. But then again, you only have to change it once a week instead of popping a pill every day. It also costs anywhere from $13-$28/month depending on where you get your prescription filled.
Do your research and see if you’re really that adverse to pill popping to prevent having to “discuss” something with the one you love. And if you don’t have someone you love, it’s even better to not have to discuss something with the one/ones you’re with in the process of your search, no? The pill is a pain, but I take it daily. Different strokes for different folks, but honey – pills are cheap, easy and easier to control the hormone dose with than any other birth control on the market. The va-jay-jay has spoken.