Dear Redhead: Sarah Palin Is A Waste Of A Good Set Of Tits

sarahThere are certain things that piss me off. Three of them are Victoria’s Secret, Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin. What do they all have in common? All three are inherently useless and a perfectly good waste of a set of tits. If you have tits, you can’t find a bra at Vic’s that isn’t padded like a mailing envelope. If you have a brain, you don’t understand why Palin and Coulter are touted as role models for the modern woman. Let’s be honest here – all you’d really want to do is grudge fuck them and post the pictures on the internet. What can I say? Things like this get me riled-up.

And when you’re riled-up, the only solution is to get laid or masturbate. Which is why I gave away a sexy little LELO GIGI on last week’s column. Go knock out your frustrations, girl. This week, we’re giving away something new – get your sexy on with your honey with the JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Candles. Not only do they create a sexy glow, but you can (oh my) paint your lover with the warmed oil they create!

Post your sexiest, most embarrassing sexual moment below. We’ll announce the winner at 5pm EST on Friday!

If any of my readers are headed to BlogWorld next week in Vegas, hit me up. While I won’t be doing it up bachelorette party style like The Kinky Jew, I will be there with some…uh…safe blogging tips. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Thanks to all of my followers and reader who sent in questions for this week’s blog. Let’s all pile in the caboose of the sexy choo-choo train and delve into your kinks and crannies.

Dear Redhead~

I hear a lot of guys talking about anal intercourse but I just don’t get it. I’ve never really had an urge for it. What’s the happs?

The Guy Up Front

Dear The Guy Up Front~

Well, let’s begin by referring to the back door deed as “anal intercourse.” Yeah…umm…kind clinical. Kinda unsexy. Personally, I wouldn’t ask my man if we could “engage in anal intercourse.” His dick would likely go limp and he’d reach for the remote.

Your phrasing indicates that you’re pretty distant from warming to the idea of doing a girl (or guy?) in the ass. So be it. Many people have an aversion to the deed. But since you’re asking, let me tell you what three guys I’ve asked have had to say about ass piracy in general:

It just fuckin’ turns me on. It’s like cumming on her face. It really doesn’t get more personal than doing a girl in the ass.”

Because she gave it to me. The first time your girl lets you in there, well, you know you’re going to get in there again. It’s our little secret. I can look at her across the room at a dinner party and think – yeah, I did her in the ass. And she can think the same.”
Umm…because it’s AWESOME!”

Thank you, man #3 for your concise response.

Anywhoo, from a woman’s perspective, it’s a naughty little deed, isn’t it? I mean, wow. Naughty-naughty! If you want to try out being a back door man instead of the Guy Up Front all the time, here are some tips:

  • Try fingers first. If your partner is willing to play, they’ll let you know and you can both ease into anal at your own pace.

  • Lube, brother. Lube. One’s pooper does not naturally produce lubricant, so you can try personal lubricants like AstroGlide, KY’s new line of personal lubricants or various others available at your local toy shop. Advice – stay away from the “warming gels.” Oh. My. God. Fire in the hole.
  • It’s not a race. If it’s your first foray into the back door of the mansion, take it slow for the sake of all that is ass play. Much like when a girl tells you she’s sore after a marathon romp session, she’s going to be sore and feel some moderate discomfort during and following the act. It’s what some people find to be a turn on – that mix of pleasure and pain.

Dear Redhead~

I’ve been on the pill forever. Frankly, I’m sick of taking it every day. Do you know anything about things like the NuvaRing or the Depo shots? I’d really like to stop taking pills.

Pithy Pill Popper

Dear Pithy Pill Popper~

You wouldn’t know it, but I’m not so big on chemical birth control. Hey, I’ve been on the pill since I was 17. No harm, no foul. My acne is better and my periods predictable. All we can ask for, right? I totally get that you’re sick of popping pills, but you just named my two LEAST favorite forms of birth control out there. Here’s why (climbing on soapbox, inserting disclaimer that I am not a licensed medical professional but the owner of a very educated va-jay-jay and hence I have opinions):

Here is a chart (by the manufacturers of NuvaRing) comparing the device to both the pill and the patch. All three are shown as 99% effective in controlling pregnancy. A NuvaRing is a combination estrogen/progestin device, as are most birth control pills and the patch. It does the exact same thing as the pill, except you get to stick it in your hoo-hoo and leave it there for 3 weeks, take it out and then put another one back up there 7 days later. What. The. Fuck. If it does the same thing as the pill and takes up space in my va-jay-jay, that means it could be moved during intercourse, dislodged, require reinsertion or just fall the fuck out. There are also a shitload of pending class action lawsuits against the manufacturer of NuvaRing at present. While this should not solely be a deterrent, it would make me think I need to do a little research before sticking anything “on up there.”

Depo Provera is a progesterone-only shot that is given every three months. It changes the composition of the cervical mucus, making it impossible for sperm to reach the eggs and have a nice candlelight dinner. My favorite stat? 70% of women using Depo experience weight gain – 11 pounds over 3 years and 3.4% body fat. Why would you want to take something that’s going to make you unfuckable? Unless you’re looking for men (or women) into bigger girls, my guess is that you’d like to keep your current figure. You can read more about the drug directly from the manufacturer, but even the manufacturer admits that users can experience a loss of bone density due to the use of their product.

If you really need an alternate to the pill, why not try the birth control patch? Don’t fool yourself, kiddo. The oral route is always cheaper – just like with a hooker. The blow job is always less than straight sex. When you start to get fancy, the drug companies will charge you for the pizzazz. There is only ONE birth control patch (Ortho Evra) and you change it every week. However, realize that while it’s a combination progestin/estrogen product like the pill, you’ll be exposed to 60% more estrogen when using the patch than with regular pills. Which means an increased risk of side effects. Which is not so awesome. But then again, you only have to change it once a week instead of popping a pill every day. It also costs anywhere from $13-$28/month depending on where you get your prescription filled.

Do your research and see if you’re really that adverse to pill popping to prevent having to “discuss” something with the one you love. And if you don’t have someone you love, it’s even better to not have to discuss something with the one/ones you’re with in the process of your search, no? The pill is a pain, but I take it daily. Different strokes for different folks, but honey – pills are cheap, easy and easier to control the hormone dose with than any other birth control on the market. The va-jay-jay has spoken.

Erika Napoletano About Erika Napoletano

Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.

Comments

  1. High five to @toywithme for photoshopping the SHIT out of the broad above with Palin’s face. Can you put my face on there next time? ;-)

  2. Oh my, where to begin. It was the night I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend — I didn’t tell him I was a virgin. Instead of being romantic, it was a tug of war. I finally just said, “well, it’s going to hurt like fuck no matter how I do it” and pushed myself down on him. Although, the best part is where I get up to go shower afterwards, fart, get so startled that I slip on lube that got on the wooden floor and faceplant into the bathroom. Oh yes, and we’d only been together for 2 days — great first impression.

  3. @Saraid — slipping on lube on the floor. Now THAT’S hawt :)

    (it’s possible I’ve done that, too…)

  4. buttersduck says:

    You didn’t suggest an IUD?!? I’ve had mine for 2 years and LOVE it. No hormones, no worrying. It is the best thing since oral.

    The most embarrassing/highly amusing romp I’ve had was a few months ago. I was engaging in some light bondage and spanking (read: bound and gagged with my pink butt in the air) when the guy’s apartment complex’s fire alarm starts going off. Managed to throw on a dress, but forgot about the ball gag that I’d spit out that was still around my neck. Got some stares from the neighbors… But the best part is that, after we go upstairs and get things going again the fire alarm goes off AGAIN. The moral of the story is bondage tape is a godsend, since you can cut it off and not have to worry about fussy locks and cuffs in case of a fire. Or two.

  5. Loved the post – hilarious as usual!

    Now, here is my story.

    It had been a week of no sexy time. Unusual for us, but due to traveling for work, it just happened that way. Since the husband claims there is no ‘monkey’ time when I’m not around, this usual causes a little bit of pressure. The night I came home, we put the kids to bed and enjoyed some ‘beverages’. One thing led to another and before I knew it, we were into the good part. Then, we heard it, the door opening and our four year old walks in, legs high in the air. GREAT.

    We postpone the festivities and attempt to ‘act natural’ like we were merely “streching”. Um, yeah right. The husband slips on a pair of shorts and wisks said son back to bed. When the coast is clear, we start again, taking no time to find our groove. Since we were using the pull and pray method, the husband warns me and pulls out to spray on my chest (likes the pornstar he is, obviously!)

    But, something goes horribly wrong. To what I can only contribute to his ‘build-up’, he over shoots and hits me square in the eye. MY EYE! And what do you think I do at that exact moment? Well, of course I laugh. Fucking hysterically, full on giggles. I’m sorry, but COME ON.

    I just can’t make shit like that up.

  6. Excellent recommendation with regards to the IUD, @buttersduck. Thanks for adding this in. I know IUDs are even available through clinics like Planned Parenthood and their use is on the rise once again. Here’s a great link for those wanting to learn more about IUDs: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/iud-4245.htm

  7. In re: the IUD, just an FYI… They are not recommended if you haven’t had at least one child. I have had one, and I got an IUD, and the only complaint I’ve had is the cramping and heavier period. :)

    I have two stories to submit, if I may.

    Story #1: Not long after my now-husband and I began having sex, we began experimenting with other positions besides plain-old missionary. What’s the position most people seek to try when they wanna feel a little sexy? Doggie style. There’s just something about being taken like a dirty whore that makes a girl feel sexy… Anywho, I was bent over his bed and he was standing on the floor and we were going at it pretty hot and heavy. He pulled completely out, and I felt the air suck in… It made that slurpy Jello sound… He plunges back in, and PPPPFFFFFFffftttthhhhhhhhhhttt! QUEEF! Oh, no… We giggled a bit and because we were still horny proceeded to continue. 5 minutes later, he pulled completely out, the air sucked in, and twice as loud and long as the first – I queefed again. It sounded like a whoopie cushion. He collapsed on top of me in a fit of laughter, and totally lost his boner. We still make fun of that moment every once in a while.

    Story #2: Before Erf and I began having sex, we would fool around. At his parents’ house (we were in high school, so shush). One night we’re on the floor, messing around, and all of a sudden we hear his parents’ bedroom door open. Erf, being intelligent, hides on the dark side of the room behind the recliner. I, being blonde at heart, jumped (buck-ass naked) and flatted myself on the couch. In the light. His mom didn’t have her glasses on, thank goodness. However, once we relaxed, we began to heat things up again. As we’re in the middle of heating things up, we hear his dad’s car pull up. So we had to grab all our clothes and make a mad dash to the bathroom to get dressed. Then the next morning, Erf’s mom decided to have the ‘condom’ talk with Erf. Gotta love it. :)

  8. OMG…. funny stuff!!

    My most embarrassing story happened while I was a single mom… I dated this guy for around 2 months and one night after the kid was in bed “sleeping” we decided to get it on…

    Turns out the kid WASN’T asleep quite yet- she came into my room and climbed up onto his back, looked down at me with this goofy grin on her face and said, “whatcha doooooing??”

    She was only 3 and so had NO idea what we were ACTUALLY doing… and she didn’t see naughty bits either because the heat in my room didn’t work and it was f’n COOOLD so we were under blankets… but good gawd it was horribly embarrassing!!

    The next worst was after I got married- my daughter was visiting with her bio-dad and his parents. Grandpa fell asleep on the couch and proceeded to snore- she commented on it, and was asked “does your mommy snore?” her reply: “no, mommy goes ah ah ah” (moaning sounds)…. Isn’t that the type of story you just LOOOOOVE to hear from your ex???

  9. I’m currently on the NuvaRing, but only because the pill (doesn’t matter which one) makes me queasy ALL THE TIME otherwise I would still be on the pill. I’ve also been on Depo and have to say that out of the two I prefer the NuvaRing. Either way it’s a lose lose for me since my body doesn’t seem to like birth control at all. Both the NuvaRing and Depo, make me feel like a virgin each and every time, no matter how good the warm up is!

  10. buttersduck says:

    It is not necessary to have kids before getting an IUD, although it will make the insertion easier. I’ve had two (tried the hormonal one, switched to the copper one), and I’ve never had problems with expulsion or anything like that. And I’m relatively sure I don’t have any kids…
    There is a great LiveJournal group about IUDs if anyone is interested. http://community.livejournal.com/iud_divas/

  11. Not quite “sex” but very close…

    My high school boyfriend and I used to fool around by having him thrust his dick between my thighs until he came. Messy, but not sex! I was adamant that I wasn’t old enough to “do it.”

    So we did this all the time, and once at my house he was doing it from behind. Of course, he slipped, and his cock went RIGHT up my ass in the most painful, quick, and un-lubricated way possible. I bled all over the place and sobbed with the pain.

    We used some towels to clean it up, then dumped them and my sheets in the trash. Of course I wasn’t smart enough to take the trash out myself and my mom saw them. Convinced it was my virginity all over the sheets, she confronted me one day while the bf was there. So to keep my mom from thinking I was having sex, I had to explain to her EXACTLY what we were doing and what happened. In front of my bf. We wanted to die.

    And after all that, she still though we were having sex. =P

  12. This was one of the most embarrassing moments I’ve ever had and, it also nearly turned into a run-in with the TSA and Homeland Security Department.

    I was in New Orleans with my girlfriend of about 3 months. While walking down Bourbon Street, we saw a sex toy shop and, fueled by jello shots and hurricanes, decided to go inside to look around. We walked out of the shop with a few new things including a battery powered vibrator that I think was called “The Dolphin.” The Dolphin got a good workout that night…and the next day, too. We decided to bring it back home with us so we packed it in one of the suitcases and headed to the airport.

    After waiting in line at a Southwest counter, it was finally our turn to check in. I presented our drivers licenses and put the suitcases on the scale to check them through. When the counter attendant grabbed the handle of one of the bags, she jumped back and immediately called security over to the counter. Only then did she tell us that our suitcase was vibrating and she began questioning us about what was inside. Both my girlfriend and I turned bright red and we stood there completely unable to speak. A crowd of security guards began to gather around our luggage and I finally was able to say something the effect of “there’s nothing dangerous in the bag, just a personal item that probably shouldn’t have been packed with the batteries still inside.” I hoped that that would be the end of it but it wasn’t. Security took the bag, placed it in the middle of the airport check-in area and directed me to open it and show them what was inside. There had to have been 100 sets of eyes on me when I pulled the Dolphin from the suitcase. We were finally able to check the bag through (after the batteries had been removed!), go through security and board the plane with all of the same people who had just witnessed the appearance of our new toy in the middle of the New Orleans airport. Good times, for sure.

  13. That last “though” = “thought.” Ugh.

  14. OK, so this one is a little dark.
    I was in college, and had pulled a double-allnighter studying for a test, which I aced-thank you. Afterward, I went to a friends house to “celebrate.” (You can fill in the blanks.) After inhaling and holding my breath for quite a while, I blacked out briefly and found myself on the floor of my friend’s kitchen bleeding profusely from my head.
    In hindsight, I should’ve gotten stitches, but I was in no state to go see any sort of authorities. So I bandaged my head and went home.
    A few nights later, my girlfriend and I were doing it Quaker style when I hit my head on the wall above her…within seconds, I saw my girlfriend’s face go from “pleasure” to “fear.” Apparently, blood was quickly streaming down my face like a scene from a horror movie. It began to splash down on her forehead and cheeks until she kicked me off of her, jumped out of bed, and dragged us both to the shower.

    Not my most embarrassing story, but definitely an original one.

    Ciao!

  15. Long long ago in a forest far away BF at the time and I were out for a little outdoor excited. We stumbled across a boulder and a lovely make out position turned to him bending me over the boulder and the magic happening.

    Some hikers came upon us really quickly. For a moment I was surprised and one of them said something to the affect of “We heard screaming, I thought you might be injured. Sorry, carry on” and they trotted off quickly.

    It’s nice that people care to lend a hand but know when to quickly retreat as well.

  16. Years ago I had a roommate and a very small place. He was working late on one of the very few occasions that I actually invited my future ex-wife over to the house. He said that he wouldn’t be home until about 10 PM.

    One thing lead to another and her and I found ourselves naked on the couch watching television under a blanket. I went to the kitchen to grab some oranges and on the way back I decided to entertain her with my amazing juggling abilities. Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a grown man juggling oranges in the nude.

    So there I stood in front of her with my back to the front door juggling the vitamin C packed treats with her laughing so hard that the blanket completely slipped off of her. When suddenly the front door swung open behind me.

    As she scrambled to hide her naked body from the eyes of my roommate I attempted to swan dive on to the couch and under the blanket in one motion. Before the oranges even hit the floor we were both covered.

    Needless to say, my roommate was scarred for life after having a front row viewing of my nude diving abilities with my ass directly in his line of view.

  17. OMG – thanks to everyone so far for making me pee. Lots. Keep ‘em coming, please, as you know I have no problem whatsoever keeping another tidbit meant for bedroom pleasure all to myself. You’re going to have to EARN the candles! (she says, taunting)

  18. A few years back while still in college I shared a dorm with another young lady.

    One night, when she was going to be staying with her BF overnight, I decided it was finally time for a good bondage masturbation session.

    I got myself all trussed up, feet and legs to the bed, ball gag in, hands cuffed by my crotch with just enough room to maneuver a vibrator in my vagina and a butt plug in . . . well you can guess. (the kind of cuffs you can self release by the way)

    I’m a good few minutes into it when suddenly the door flies open and my roommate storms in because her bf and her had a fight. She took one look at me, pauses for a moment and then just continues in and sits at her desk and turns her computer on.

    I very embarrassingly turned my toys off and untied myself.

  19. trickykid says:

    This happened when I was in high school.
    I was getting a blow job from my girlfriend in my bedroom. My girlfriend told me to warn her when I was about to cum because she didn’t want it in her mouth.
    So, the moment arrives, I tell her and she pulls it out of her mouth and I, being a 16 year old boy, go off like a cannon. We try to find it to clean it up and it is nowhere to be found. Not on her, not me…it’s just gone.
    Just then my mom comes home. My girlfriend leaves and my mom eventually comes up to harass me about cleaning my room, doing my homework etc. She starts kicking around the room pointing out a half eaten sandwich and books and clothes and records all over the place. Then she goes to the window above my bed and starts to open the curtains, “you need some light and fresh air in here!” As she grabs the curtains she notices something on the fabric. “look at this, you even got something on the curtains!”
    Yep. It wound up on the curtains a good 3 feet behind me and 4 feet up.
    Before I could stop her she got some on her fingers and rubbed it around a little and said, “what is this?”
    Then she smelled it!
    I said, “it’s hair jell! I’ll clean it up! Please get out of my room!”
    As I was hustling her out of the room she still had several concerns, such as: why didn’t it smell like hair jell and how did I get it on the curtains?

  20. trickykid says:

    Oh man, as soon as I posted that I thought of another one that may be worse…I’ll let you be the judge.
    Let me set the scene: I’m 13, I’m in the garage checking out my dads new weight set. I find metal tube that is about 5 inches long and 3 or 3 inches in diameter. It’s the hand grip for the dumbells.
    Being a 13 year old boy my first thought is, of course, ‘ I bet my dick would fit in there’ So I drop trou and sure enough its a nice snug fit. I run in the house grab some lotion and go back out to the garage.
    I lube it up and start stroking myself with it and it feels pretty good!
    Then I get really creative. I notice that our old couch that is being stored in the garage has a crevice that would probably hold the tube for me and I could just hump it standing up.
    So I tuck the tube into the side of the couch and start humping away. This is great! I imagine this is what it would feel like to do a girl from behind standing up….then my little sister walks in and catches me fucking my moms old couch doggy style.
    I flop over the back of the couch so she cant see exactly what I’m doing and yell, “get out!”
    She innocently says “what are you doing?”
    “I’m leaning on the couch ,what does it look like?! Now get out of here before I kick your ass!”
    She calls me an asshole and leaves.
    I clean up as best I can, and leave the garage.
    The couch and I broke up shortly after that….the relationship was never properly consummated.

  21. When my husband and I first met, he was a freshmen in college and I was a sophomore. I was the first gf he had that liked to screw as much as him (a horny 18 yr old @ the time) so we often did things in interesting places… One night, we got into it and I kicked his dorm door shut. I hopped up on his desk and he proceeded to do me. In the middle of it, the door opens and the guy who lived next door walks in. He said hi, turned around and walked out, closing the door after him.
    We giggle a little but then A and I keep going. Then his dorm phone starts ringing. So I answer it (as he pounds away…) and they guy next door replies “You really should close the door you know.” As it turns out, when I kicked the door, it didn’t latch, but we were too busy to notice. (The guy had come over b/c he heard weird noises and wondered what was going on. we had knocked some stuff off the desk…)
    This was also the year that A lived right next door the the floor’s RA who decided that A’s loft hitting the wall made too much noise, so we were forbidden to have sex in the loft after 10 pm or we’d be written up and fined.
    We also got kicked out of a room for getting drunk and having a “sex competition” with 2 other couples… The RA decided we were too loud then too…
    I’m starting to see a trend…

  22. My husband and I practice asstinance.

  23. Oh, Aunt Becky, can I use that as a rebuttal to those promoting abstinence?

    The most embarassing/sexy story I have happened when I was 16 and the now-husband was a little older. When my husband and I were in high school/college we didn’t have our own place. So we would occasionally go for drives in the country and find an abandoned property and… while away a half an hour or so. This usually involved a bit of lube, some nakedness and some rope for happy bondage time. There was one particular weekend where we weren’t exactly smart about our location (right off of the freeway on Memorial weekend, car clearly visible in what was an abandoned eatery)(I’m originally from Ohio, cut me some slack. It seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time). The cops, of course, show up right in the middle of the good stuff . While I am bound and gagged. (At least the man had the good sense to let my man finish me off before knocking on the window and scaring the shit out of us.) (I really had a hard time convincing the police officer that I really was tied up because I wanted to be… that’s a conversation I’ll be happy to never have again. Judgy McJudgington.) We were both underage, so the office took us home to my father. After assuring the cop he wouldn’t be killing either myself or the husband, he just kind of chuckled and said “So that’s what that’s like from this view point. Don’t tell your mother.”

  24. I’ve been on the NuvaRing for almost 2 years and it has never “fallen out” during sex. Ask most NuvaRing users and they will tell you the same thing. You can’t feel it, either. You’re making it sound like a much bigger hassle than it is. And I would never consider switching to the pill over the ring.

  25. Hey there, Epiphora. Thanks for stopping by. Love new readers and new commenters. But I will say this: if you can speak for *most* NuvaRing users, that’s like me being able to speak for *most* women with tits.

  26. Alright, my story isn’t very hardcore, I was in Highschool and lived in my parents house. My boyfriend, several years older than me, lived in the neighborhood, and would come over almost every afternoon. One particular evening, I think it was raining outside, so we moved things into the kitchen.

    Mixed some cookie batter, put ‘em in the oven, scared ten years off my mothers life…well, let me rewind that a little. After putting the cookies (I think they were sugar cookies) in the oven, I was feeling a little frisky. My father had instilled an innate sense of caution in this boyfriend already, so he typically refused any kind of illicit behavior inside of my house for fear of being brutally pounded into a pulp. (Which never /really/ happens, does it?)

    But this night, oh this night I was persuasive. Lips and fingertips tempted, and I slowly coaxed him into a steamy makeout session. His hands grasped my thighs, and I slid up onto the counter, wrapping my legs tightly around his waist as his fingers deftly sought out the clasp of my bra. It got hot, it got heavy, and as I slid my hand between us, and into the warmth of his silky gym shorts- my mother came strolling around the corner and into the kitchen.

    All parties did that magnet thing and seperated in different directions. I’m not sure what was louder, him shouting “WOAH!” or her screaming as she did an about face and hauled ass in the opposite direction. I’ve never seen her so desperate to get out of a room, and in her desperation she nearly smacked right into the wall, still in mid-scream. But I think the next minute and a half of silence was louder yet. Because, after that, what can you really do except silently think “oh. my. god.” and laugh.

    Needless to say, a goodly number of months went by before that boyfriend would even step foot in my house again. But I had to face the dreaded- “So, uhm, what…were you guys doing?”

  27. So, mine isn’t very hardcore.

    The first one, almost always happens to me. I don’t really fart that often, and when I do, I make sure it is on a toilet so I don’t have any “accidents.” So, when my boyfriend and I do it doggie-style, our favorite, he ALWAYS gets air trapped in there, and my koochipop goes off so loud that my parents always get a little concerned. And then my boyfriend and I always fall on each other laughing, because I NEVER fart. The first time it happened, I was SO terrified. It still embarasses me to no end, even though it’s completely natural! It is just kind of like, a horrible wet farting sound that comes out in bursts because I have to push it out – Oh god, the horror! Pffft, Pfft, PFPFFFTTTTTT, PFPFP….PPTPTTTTTpppppfffttt…..spleerf.

    The second one, was when I had a girlfriend. It was my first time giving oral sex (especially to a person the same gender!) and her first time recieving it. I decided to do it as a surprise, because I really wanted to try it out, and so did she. So, at 4AM, after a good makeout session on the floor, and making sure the door was locked, I went down on her. It was good, and as delicious as I thought! Right as we were finished, I was lying next to her all cuddled up, when my SISTER walks in the door! Not only did she hate my girlfriend, but I would have been HORRIFIED for her to see us, especially since she had some friends with her!! Luckily, I had locked the door – It gave me just enough time to shriek and run out of the room, leaving my girlfriend there to wrap herself up back in her shawl and look like she was collecting blankets. I came out soon after in my shawl and pretended like we had just been cuddling…in the dark…with the room smelling like sex…My sister never looked at me the same. HAAH…boy was I embarassed!!!!

    Another time, was when I was first giving my boyfriend a blowjob. It was a first time experience for me, and I was really looking forward to it. So, I went down on him, and just as he was about to cum, my mom knocks loudly on the door and told me that I needed to leave to catch a ferry – I had completely forgotten! So I had to stop, throw clothes on, and run out the door – with my boyfriend still there! What an awful way to have to leave! I was almost late for the ferry, too. Boy did that suck! I felt really bad for leaving him, but I was more embarassed about my mother KNOWING what we were doing, and my mother’s boyfriend, who was WAITING for me in the car, so we could drive to the ferry!!! Oh, boy…Blush blush!

  28. Wow – weird, kinky. Nice.

    I’ve got one: we were 17 or 18. Her mom worked weird hours. We were going at it on the couch one afternoon in the summer, and when I was done, I slipped off the raincoat and dropped it on the floor. We were laying on the couch, buck nekkid, basking in the afterglow, and I was just glancing at the door when I saw the doorknob start to turn. I had enough time to grab my pants, push her in front of me toward her bedroom, when mom walks in in time to see my naked ass running after her naked daughter. We got to her bedroom and were laughing our asses off, but I had a problem. The only way out was through the said living room, and there was a used condom on the floor. Finally I just said “Fuck it.” Walked out shirtless (thankfully wearing my pants), said “How’s it going?” to her mom, grabbed my shirt, flops and the used condom and walked out the door.

    I was not allowed in the house again – whenever I picked her up, I had to yell through the screen door.

  29. buttersduck says:

    The funniest thing about NuvaRing is when you finish up and the guy asks why he is suddenly sporting some jewelry (a penecklace?). It only happened 2 or 3 times, but I laughed so hard I nearly peed.

  30. My four year old walked in holding the vibrator I had bought at a sex toy party (but never used) and said “Mommy, I think you need some new batteries for your back massager.”
    Awkkkward…

  31. december 4th is the last day my testicles have a direct conduit out of my johnson.

    creampies for christmas!!!

  32. I have no idea how we’re going to decide a winner here…I’m realizing that my “orgasmifart” experience can’t even compete with sofas, metal pipes, and little sisters.

    *I surrender to your collective, overwhelming humiliation.*

  33. M and I were camping. We always get the best campsites. This one was at least two tenths of a mile away from the road and completely private.

    So we did what any normal couple would do. I sat on a log by the fire in the gentle sprinkle of rain and gave him a blow job. Only to look up when he finished and find Ranger Weed standing in the “doorway” of our site.

  34. trickykid says:

    BTW, I have NEVER told anybody that story…ever. The curtain one? I have told a few people…I mean, the height and distance I got with that orgasm? I’m pretty proud of that actually…

  35. OK – I am pleased to announce that humiliation reaps rewards!

    Michelle Bell —- YOU WIN! I’ll bet you never though that your kink-n-catch would score you some sexy Jimmy Jane Afterglow Massage Candles! Congrats and thanks for sharing you story with us!

    Email dearredhead at toywithme dot com your details and we’ll send your prize along right away :)

  36. haha, awesome. I just want to add here that I use the Nuvaring and like it. It has never fallen out, and I have never gotten pregnant while using it, and I didn’t have any other hormonal side effects and my periods are super light with no cramping.

    But that’s just me, obviously everyone is different!

  37. These were awesome stories! You already know mine about the flaming hair.

  38. Do you have Implanon in the US? It’s a little thingy that goes in your arm & releases progesterone to stop you ovulating. It lasts for 3 years. I’ve been using it for about 6 years & it’s awesome (for me – ymmv). Just another alternative to the pill…

  39. OK, Michelle Bell’s submission was a RIOT!
    Popo catches you tied up at an abandoned bakery parking lot, yet he was kind enough to “let you finish.” Now that’s comedy.
    Brava!

  40. Sure, I could not post my story, after all, there’s no more prize to win, but I told this story to a friend of mine recently who gagged up her drink, so I feel it’s worth sharing.

    I draw the weirdos to me like some kind of a freaky, disturbed magnet. Well, in college I started dating this guy, A. A was a HUG dude: 6’4, probably just as big around, but smart as hell and funny as anything. And flexible. The man must have done yoga in his off-time.

    Anywho, we used to watch Cartoon Network together when relaxing, and one of A’s favorite shows was “Dexter’s Laboratory.” He loved Dexter, and he really liked the character’s voice, which is just a simple Russian accent. Being of Russian decent myself, I mimicked the accent one day, while we were sitting around. He turned and looked at me,

    “You can do the voice?”
    “Yeah, A. Why?”

    He picked me up (no small feat in and of itself!) and carried me to the bedroom. For the next month, before it all got just TOO freaky, he always wanted me to talk like Dexter in bed.

    Do me a favor, and go look up Dexter on YouTube. Then, picture that voice yelling, “Yes! Do it harder, you love-monkey!” … still, I’d rather do that than be caught by the cops MICHELLE!! :)

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